Absurd humor

por Bill Tiepelman

Fluff & Flutter

A Noseful of Chaos In the land of Flitterwhump, where dandelions danced to jazz and tea kettles gossiped at dusk, there lived a kitten named Toodles. Yes, Toodles. Don’t judge. Her full name was “Lady Toodlewump Fluffington III,” but after one too many hairballs during her cotillion, the name sort of... stuck. And frankly, if you’re a silver-dappled feline with glacial blue eyes and a tail so fluffy it required its own postcode, you learn to own your weirdness. Toodles had one rule: never trust anything with wings and an agenda. This was a rule born from a childhood incident involving a hummingbird, three spoiled sardines, and an accidental eyebrow singe. But today, that rule would be tested. Mercilessly. It started innocently enough. Toodles had just finished her daily glamour stretch—a high-arched back extension so glorious it once made a potted plant faint—and was in the process of delicately judging the neighborhood from the windowsill. That’s when it happened. A Monarch butterfly, drunk on pollen and audacity, landed square on her nose. The room froze. Somewhere, a spoon dropped. In the distance, a squirrel gasped. Toodles went cross-eyed, which, unfortunately, made her look like an emotionally unstable plush toy. She blinked. The butterfly blinked. (It didn’t, but Toodles swore it did, and frankly, her perception was the only one that mattered.) “Excuse me,” she meowed with impeccable diction, “you are trespassing on sacred fluff. That nose was blessed by a hedgehog monk in the village of Sniffenshire.” The butterfly remained perched, wings fluttering like it had gossip to share and nowhere to be. Toodles panicked. She tried a gentle paw swat. The butterfly dodged and landed on her tail. Toodles spun around like a caffeinated ballerina and promptly toppled into her succulent collection, which screamed dramatically, because everything in Flitterwhump was over-the-top and plant life was no exception. By the time she emerged—covered in potting soil, bits of lavender, and one particularly aggressive cactus spike—the butterfly had returned to her nose. Again. “Oh it’s war now, wing goblin,” she muttered. “Toodles does not negotiate with chaos.” And that, dear reader, was how it began. A tale of flirtation, frustration, and a cat with too much pride to admit she was completely outwitted by an airborne postage stamp with legs. The Fluffening Escalates Toodles was not the sort of cat who tolerated defeat. She once spent three consecutive Tuesdays attempting to outstare a portrait of her great-aunt Darlene just because the mustache had been painted slightly askew. (She won, of course. The portrait fell off the wall and was last seen sobbing in a thrift store.) So, you can imagine the psychological unraveling when this butterfly—this winged noodle of deceit—refused to acknowledge Toodles' sovereign nasal domain. Now, in Flitterwhump, cats had options. They could petition the Council of Mildly Concerned Hedgehogs. They could hire a disgraced owl private investigator. They could even bribe a family of voles to create a series of decoy butterflies using glitter and misplaced ambition. Toodles chose vengeance by theater. The next morning, she prepared her stage: a velvet chaise lounge (stolen from a gnome divorcée), a tin of anchovy pâté (lightly truffled), and her dramatic flower crown fashioned from geraniums, rosemary, and one incredibly passive-aggressive dahlia. She posed on the chaise as if she were contemplating the futility of existence—or at least how dramatic she could look while holding in a sneeze. The butterfly returned right on cue. A diva always knows her spotlight. “Welcome back,” Toodles purred, tail twitching with restrained lunacy. “I see you’ve accepted my invitation to our duel of the fates.” Instead of engaging in mortal combat, the butterfly… danced. Not just any dance. It performed an aerial ballet so majestic, so fluid, it made the clouds pause to weep softly in applause. It looped around Toodles’ whiskers, spiraled through sunbeams like they were champagne bubbles, and ended with a dainty curtsy atop her left eyebrow. Toodles hated how impressed she was. “Fine,” she hissed, leaping up and flopping back down in an act of protest. “You’ve bested me in grace. But can you juggle?” She tossed three chestnuts into the air with her back paw. They landed on her head. The butterfly landed on one of them, smug as a librarian with a secret. “Ugh. Your face is like a warm breeze wrapped in smug marmalade,” she grumbled. “Are you even real?!” The butterfly flapped once, twice—and then, like all mystic creatures with a sense of timing more dramatic than a Regency widow, it spoke. Not with words. With vibes. With the tickle of truth behind the ears. With the knowing twinkle of a being that had seen interdimensional ferrets and survived. “I am Zephoria,” it seemed to hum through the pollen-swirled air. “Spirit of transformation, mistress of brief landings, and destroyer of personal space.” Toodles blinked. “Destroyer of—? You’re a space invader with a cute butt, that’s what you are.” Zephoria gave a wing shrug. “And yet here you are, talking to me instead of knocking me into your litter box.” “Only because I respect your audacity,” Toodles admitted, finally surrendering to the seductive power of nonsense. “And also because if I move again, I’ll sneeze out a whole tulip.” The butterfly chuckled, which sounded like tiny tambourines being tickled. “Perhaps,” Zephoria offered, “you’ve spent so long chasing away the unexpected, you’ve forgotten how to dance with it.” Toodles rolled her eyes so hard it triggered a minor windstorm. “Oh don’t start with the magical metaphors. Next thing I know, you’ll tell me I’m secretly a time-traveling cloud or some philosophical pastry.” Zephoria tilted her wings just so. “You’re not. But your tail might be.” The two stared at each other in absurd, slightly unhinged harmony. That evening, Toodles didn’t hiss at the bees. She didn’t growl at the moon. She did, however, invite Zephoria to perch on her head like a ludicrous fascinator, and together they paraded through the town square as if it were a runway covered in gossip and rhinestones. And thus began the great Flitterwhump Butterfly Incident of the Year—an event that would be whispered about by teacups and sung by slightly inebriated garden gnomes for generations to come. But that, dear reader, is the sugar-frosted cherry on the next ridiculous chapter. The Ballad of Toodles and the Winged Menace It all spiraled—no, pirouetted—out of control on the third day. By then, Zephoria the butterfly had become something of a local celebrity. Toodles, to her horror and reluctant pride, was now referred to in neighborhood gossip as “The Cat of Graceful Chaos.” Children threw her air kisses from balconies. The local ducks asked for autographs. One particularly ambitious squirrel began selling tiny velvet capes claiming they were “Toodles-Approved™.” (They were not.) “It’s like living inside a fairy tale,” Toodles complained, sprawled across a pouf made of retired sock puppets. “But one written by a raccoon who drinks glitter and screams about taxes.” Zephoria, meanwhile, was running a support group for underappreciated airborne insects in the garden gazebo. She held sessions twice daily under the title Wing Therapy: Finding Your Flap in a Rigid World. The ladybugs adored her. The bees were hesitant. The moths just kept trying to eat the pamphlets. But as the saying goes in Flitterwhump, “Fame’s a fickle ferret with frosting for morals.” Things got weird. And that’s saying something, considering this was a realm where hedgehogs had dental plans and most mirrors could quote Oscar Wilde. It began when a rival butterfly named Chadwick appeared. Chadwick was everything Zephoria wasn’t: muscular, broody, and annoyingly fond of leather vests. He flapped with menace. He hummed with mystery. He insisted on introducing himself with, “The name’s Chadwick. Just Chadwick. Like moonlight... but darker.” “What in the name of scented compost is that?” Toodles asked as Chadwick arrived on a Harley snail. “Did a romance novel fall into a vat of protein powder?” Zephoria, to her credit, tried diplomacy. “Welcome, Chadwick. Would you like to join our mindfulness circle and unpack your unresolved chrysalis trauma?” Chadwick scoffed. “Nah. I came to challenge you. And your floofy mount.” Toodles fluffed herself indignantly. “Excuse me?! I am not a mount. I am a legend. I have whiskers insured by the Ministry of Feline Drama.” “Exactly,” Chadwick said with a smirk. “Which makes this the perfect battlefield.” And just like that, the Flitterwhump Annual Wing-Off was declared. (There hadn’t been one before, but bureaucracy was very fast in this part of the world when drama was involved.) The rules? Simple. Two butterflies. One feline runway. A series of increasingly absurd challenges judged by a panel of semi-retired flamingos and one very cranky tortoise named Gary. Challenge One: The Loop-de-Flap. Chadwick went first, swooping through seven garden hoops while quoting existential poetry. Zephoria responded by spelling out the phrase “Consent is sexy” with her flight path. Toodles applauded. Challenge Two: The Wind Tunnel Waltz. Chadwick powered through, wings slicing the air like avocado toast through a millennial brunch. Zephoria pirouetted softly and dropped flower petals behind her like a slightly judgmental wedding fairy. Challenge Three: The Nose Stand. This one was personal. The butterflies had to perch on Toodles’ nose without tickling her into sneezing, flinching, or sass-shouting. Chadwick landed, puffed his thorax, and struck a pose. Toodles, unimpressed, let out a tiny fart. Chadwick fled in disgrace. Zephoria landed gracefully, offered a wink, and whispered, “Still not over that cactus, are we?” The crowd went feral. Gnomes threw tiny roses. A teacup sobbed. Someone passed out from delight. Gary the tortoise blinked for the first time in a decade. Victory was Zephoria’s. Toodles preened in the limelight, pretending she hadn’t just sneezed a tulip stem out her left nostril. But just when you thought the fluffstorm had passed, Zephoria turned to Toodles and said something that shattered the nonsense bubble entirely. “I’m leaving.” Toodles froze mid-paw-lick. “Come again?” “My work here is done,” Zephoria said gently. “You don’t need me to dance chaos into your world anymore. You’re doing it just fine on your own.” Toodles blinked. Her ears tilted in emotional confusion. “But who will keep me humble? Who will perch on my tail and make me question the nature of reality while insulting my eyeliner?” Zephoria flapped closer, brushing her wings against Toodles' cheek. “You have an entire world to flirt with, fuss at, and occasionally sit on. You’ll be fine. And besides, I heard there’s a philosophical bat colony up north in need of someone with wing charisma and a borderline unhinged moral compass.” And just like that, she flapped away—trailing sparkles, gossip, and a final note: "Toodles, you glorious fluffstorm, never let your nose be ruled by reason." Toodles stared into the sky long after Zephoria vanished into the clouds. Then, with dramatic purpose, she flopped backward into a bed of daisies, farted just a little, and whispered: “I was born to be confusing.” And the daisies nodded.     ✨ Take a Little Fluff & Flutter Home If the tale of Toodles and Zephoria tickled your whiskers, why not invite a piece of their whimsical world into yours? Whether you’re lounging like a fluff queen, sending giggles in the mail, or redecorating your magical lair, we’ve got you covered—literally. Wrap yourself in storytelling with this vibrant tapestry, or bring nature’s sass into your spa day with our ultra-charming bath towel. For those who like their art grounded and grainy, the wood print version offers a tactile, storybook feel with just a hint of nose-tickling nostalgia. And don’t forget the greeting card—perfect for sending fluttery vibes, random cat wisdom, or declarations of aesthetic superiority to your favorite fellow weirdos. Snag one, snag them all. Zephoria would approve (and Toodles would pretend she doesn’t care—but she absolutely does).

por Bill Tiepelman

Juego de croar y gruñir - Sword & Sass

Juego de croar y gruñir En los verdes pantanos de Ribbitshire, Sir Kermit el Verde, un noble caballero de la Orden del Lirio, había vivido una vida de tranquila valentía. Al otro lado de la frontera, en las tierras porcinas de Snoutholm, Lady Piggy de la Casa Porcine reinaba suprema, con su voluntad de hierro solo igualada por su amor por el lujo. Aunque sus mundos eran tan diferentes como el barro y el agua, el destino tenía otros planes para el anfibio y el jabalí. El incidente de la taberna Todo empezó una tarde húmeda en The Crooked Tadpole, una taberna famosa por su hidromiel diluido en agua y sus noches de micrófono abierto mal pensadas. Kermit, que buscaba un breve respiro de sus deberes cortesanos, estaba disfrutando de una jarra de cerveza fermentada cuando Piggy irrumpió. Envuelta en una capa de piel y rebosante de descaro, le exigió al camarero que "le trajera algo que no tuviera sabor a bota de pantano". Los dos se miraron a los ojos desde el otro lado de la sala llena de humo. Piggy se burló, sin impresionarse por el tranquilo caballero que estaba en la esquina, mientras Kermit murmuraba en voz baja: "Genial. Otro noble bocazas". Ninguno de los dos tenía pensado hablar con el otro, pero cuando un trovador borracho tropezó y derramó una jarra entera de hidromiel sobre las botas de Piggy, su grito de indignación hizo temblar las vigas del techo. En medio del caos, Kermit derribó accidentalmente su silla, que cayó sobre el oso disecado de la taberna, una preciada posesión del señor local. El oso se desplomó, aplastó el preciado laúd del posadero y desencadenó una reacción en cadena que terminó con toda la taberna en llamas. Después de los hechos, mientras los habitantes del pueblo se reunían para contemplar las llamas, llegó el barón local, que exigió saber quién era el responsable. Piggy, cubierta de hollín, señaló dramáticamente a Kermit. “¡ÉL!”, declaró. “¡El patán verde!”. Kermit respondió con una respuesta calmada pero cortante: “No fui yo el que chilló como un alma en pena y arrojó muebles”. —¡CÓMO TE ATREVES! —gritó Piggy. Antes de que nadie pudiera detenerla, sacó su daga adornada con joyas y se abalanzó sobre él. Kermit, esquivándolo con destreza, resbaló en un charco de cerveza y los arrojó a ambos a un barril de agua de lluvia. Cuando el barón logró detener la pelea, los dos estaban empapados, furiosos y sentenciados a reparar la taberna juntos bajo amenaza de exilio. El caos de la coronación Por pura suerte (o por desgracia), la noticia de sus acciones "heroicas" (totalmente exageradas por un bardo viajero) llegó al rey. Creyendo que habían salvado "desinteresadamente" la taberna de la destrucción total, el rey invitó a Kermit y a Piggy a la corte real para un banquete en su honor. Ninguno de los dos quería ir. Kermit odiaba la pompa y la solemnidad, mientras que Piggy consideraba que toda esa experiencia era indigna de ella. Pero rechazar la convocatoria del rey era una forma segura de perder la cabeza (o al menos las tierras), así que asistieron a regañadientes. El banquete comenzó de forma bastante inocente, con faisán asado, higos con miel y una sopa sospechosamente viscosa que solo Kermit parecía disfrutar. Sin embargo, a medida que avanzaba la velada, las cosas dieron un giro inesperado. Un cortesano cometió el error de llamar a Piggy “regordeta” en su presencia, lo que provocó que lanzaran una baqueta certera por toda la habitación. Mientras tanto, Kermit se vio envuelto en un acalorado debate con el consejero del rey sobre el trato ético a las criaturas del pantano, que terminó con el consejero marchándose furioso. El momento culminante de la velada llegó cuando el rey, un poco achispado, declaró: “¡Estos dos deberían gobernar juntos! Una rana y un cerdo... ¡Qué broma más divertida!”. La corte estalló en carcajadas, pero el rey no bromeaba. Para horror de Kermit y Piggy, el rey hizo redactar en el acto un contrato de matrimonio. A pesar de sus protestas, el documento fue firmado y sellado antes de que terminara el banquete. Los gobernantes reacios Ahora coronados como rey Croak y reina Sass, este extraño dúo se encontró gobernando el reino de Ribsnort, una tierra recién unificada que combinaba Ribbitshire y Snoutholm. Su reinado tuvo un comienzo complicado, con constantes discusiones sobre todo, desde la decoración del castillo (“¡No, Kermit, NO vamos a colgar nenúfares en el comedor real!”) hasta la estrategia militar (“Piggy, no creo que 'cargar gritando' sea un plan viable”). Sin embargo, sus disputas resultaron sorprendentemente eficaces. Cuando un asesino intentó envenenar el guiso real, la insistencia de Piggy en probar todo primero salvó la vida de Kermit. Cuando un señor rival intentó dar un golpe de estado, las tranquilas habilidades de negociación de Kermit (y la habilidad de Piggy para lanzar una silla como una catapulta) lograron frustrar la rebelión. El vínculo inesperado Con el tiempo, su mutuo desdén se convirtió en un respeto a regañadientes. Piggy admiraba la sabiduría de Kermit y su capacidad para mantener la calma bajo presión. Kermit, por su parte, no podía evitar admirar la feroz determinación de Piggy y su capacidad para dominar una sala. La pareja comenzó a trabajar junta, combinando sus fortalezas para gobernar Ribsnort con una combinación única de diplomacia y descaro. Sus súbditos los adoraban y a menudo se referían a ellos como “los padres pendencieros del reino”. Incluso el rey, que inicialmente había orquestado su unión como una broma, admitió que eran líderes sorprendentemente eficaces. El legado de Croak y Sass Años después, los bardos cantarían sobre el rey Croak y la reina Sass, la rana y el jabalí que convirtieron una pelea de borrachos en una taberna en un reinado legendario. Se los recordaba no solo por su asociación poco convencional, sino por demostrar que incluso las parejas más improbables podían crear algo extraordinario. Y aunque nunca lo admitieran, tarde en la noche, en la privacidad de las cámaras reales, Kermit y Piggy a menudo se reían de cómo empezó todo: con una taza de hidromiel derramada y una taberna en llamas. Lleva "Sword & Sass" a tu mundo ¡Celebra la saga épica del Rey Croak y la Reina Sass con productos exclusivos! Ya seas fanático del humor fantástico, el arte extravagante o los personajes inolvidables, estos productos son complementos perfectos para tu colección o el regalo ideal para un compañero aventurero. Explora las opciones a continuación: Tapiz: Transforme cualquier espacio con la obra de arte atrevida y caprichosa de Sword & Sass, perfecta para darle un toque dramático a su hogar. Impresión en lienzo: Eleve sus paredes con esta impresionante pieza de arte de fantasía, una pieza central perfecta para cualquier habitación. Rompecabezas: sumérgete en los detalles de esta obra de arte épica pieza por pieza con un rompecabezas de alta calidad que es tan divertido como la historia misma. Cuaderno espiral: toma tus notas o anota tus propios cuentos épicos en un cuaderno tan único como tu imaginación. ¡Visita la colección completa en nuestra tienda y trae la leyenda de Sword & Sass a tu mundo hoy!