silly bedtime story

por Bill Tiepelman

Squish Squad

The Sacred Order of the Squish In a rose-covered corner of a sleepy village nestled somewhere between the Land of Milk and Belly Laughs, there lived a baby named Pippa. She was a pint-sized tyrant of cuteness, armed with a rosebud mouth, violently kissable cheeks, and an unexplainable mastery of facial squishery. Birds chirped when she giggled. Grown men cried when she pouted. And grandmothers fainted dead away when she made her “pucker face,” a maneuver so powerful it had once derailed a church service and temporarily shut down the town’s entire Wi-Fi grid. Pippa lived with her human parents, an exceptionally lazy cat named Dave, and most importantly, Sir Butterbean—a roly-poly English bulldog puppy with more wrinkles than a laundry pile and the emotional range of a wet sponge. He snored like a chainsaw dipped in pudding and loved two things above all: belly rubs and pretending to be emotionally unavailable. Naturally, Pippa had declared him her soulmate. Every morning, after their breakfast of mashed bananas (Pippa) and mashed couch cushions (Butterbean), the two would toddle and waddle their way to the back garden—an explosion of rose petals, moss, and suspiciously judgmental gnomes. Here, on their well-worn mossy patch, they enacted their ancient morning ritual: the **Kiss of the Squish.** Now this was no ordinary peck. No dainty smooch. This was a full-lipped, squish-powered, squinty-eyed smacker that could startle birds mid-flight. Pippa would close her eyes, push her cheeks forward like two freshly risen buns, and lunge toward Butterbean’s jowly face with the might of a thousand grandmas armed with lipstick. Butterbean, who had long since resigned himself to his fate, would close his eyes like a saint accepting martyrdom and brace for impact. Their cheeks would meet with a noise somewhere between a squelch and an angel sigh. The world would pause. Gnomes would salute. Somewhere, a rainbow would burp itself into existence. And thus, the Order of the Squish would be reaffirmed for another day. But what neither Pippa nor Butterbean knew was that something far bigger than mashed banana and smooshed affection was brewing in their sleepy cottage garden. Something that involved an enchanted pacifier, a squirrel cult, and a retired garden hose named Gerald. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. For now, let us return to the garden. The roses blushed in full bloom. The air was thick with love, mischief, and the distant whiff of diaper ointment. And deep within the soft folds of Pippa’s giggle and Butterbean’s belly, the greatest adventure of their tiny lives was just beginning... The Secret Smooch Society Later that afternoon, as the sun hung low and lazy like a golden yolk on the edge of a nap, the air in the garden shifted. The wind fluffed Pippa’s curls just so, and Butterbean—mid-snore, upside down with his tongue lolling out and one paw twitching from a dream of chasing his own tail—snorted awake. His eyes opened slowly, like rusted garage doors. He blinked twice. Something was off. The roses were whispering again. He turned to Pippa, who was sitting in a mossy tuft wearing nothing but her floral diaper cover and a serious expression. She was chewing on a wooden spoon she had somehow smuggled out of the kitchen in her onesie’s buttflap pocket. That’s when it happened. Out from behind the hydrangeas shuffled an assembly of creatures so ridiculous, so wonderfully absurd, that even the garden gnomes narrowed their ceramic eyes in curiosity. There was a one-eyed squirrel in a satin cape. A rooster wearing sunglasses and cowboy boots. A raccoon who appeared to be carrying a clipboard and a great deal of emotional baggage. And leading the charge was Gerald—the retired garden hose—dragging his rubbery body through the gravel like a washed-up sea serpent on a mission. “It is time,” said the raccoon gravely, holding up the clipboard. “The prophecy is fulfilled. The Chosen Squish has awakened.” “Bwoof?” Butterbean grunted, blinking with the intensity of someone who had just eaten a dandelion and was questioning every life choice. Gerald reared his hosey length into the air like a makeshift cobra and hissed, “Silence, Squish-Bearer! She must complete the Trials before the Equinox of Giggletide. Or the garden shall be lost to... The Nibblers.” “Nope,” whispered the raccoon, flipping the clipboard, “wrong script. That’s from the Dandelion Cult. Sorry, Gerald.” Gerald sagged in a wave of apologetic hose, then composed himself. “Still. Trials. Destiny. That part’s legit.” Before Butterbean could crawl back into the sweet arms of his nap, Pippa stood. Or at least wobbled with conviction. Her tiny face lit up like a toaster oven. She babbled something that sounded suspiciously like “Adventure banana,” and stuck her spoon into the air like a sword forged from kitchen drawer chaos. She was in. They were whisked away (well, escorted at the pace of a sleep-deprived raccoon with a limp and a hose with no limbs) through the garden’s hidden glade—past the Judgmental Ferns, beneath the Great Swing of Yore, and into the Hollow of Whispering Worms. There, they were met by a grand circle of beasts who had sworn allegiance to the ancient laws of squish, slobber, and snack-sharing. They called themselves… The Secret Smooch Society. “You, Chosen One,” boomed a hamster in ceremonial feathers, “have passed the First Trial—The Unprovoked Kiss of Maximum Cheek Compression. Now you must complete the Second: The Test of Toy Sacrifice.” Pippa paused. Her face turned serious. She reached into her saggy diaper pouch (where most babies keep lint and secrets), and pulled out her most sacred treasure: the squeaky rubber duck named Colonel Nibbleton. Butterbean gasped. The raccoon wept. Even Gerald let out a low whistle that smelled faintly of mildew and prophecy. Without hesitation, Pippa plopped Colonel Nibbleton into the ceremonial puddle (which was, to be fair, just a birdbath the raccoon had peed in earlier). The Council nodded solemnly. “She is worthy,” intoned the rooster, who then did an uncalled-for dance move no one could explain. “Bring forth the Pacifier of Truth!” From the depths of the moss came a glowing object of pure baby legend: a pacifier so perfectly round, so ridiculously glittery, that even Pippa squinted with awe. Butterbean tried to eat it. Twice. He was gently but firmly sat on by a marmot named Linda until he stopped. The pacifier floated in mid-air. Gerald coiled himself into a ceremonial spiral. And then, as if pulled by the gravity of destiny (or possibly the smell of peanut butter from someone’s pants), Pippa reached up and popped the Pacifier of Truth into her mouth. The world blurred. Light twisted. Somewhere, a harmonica began playing itself. Pippa’s eyes widened with baby wisdom far beyond her eighteen and a half months. And then she said her first full sentence: “We are all just squishy miracles looking for a lap.” Silence. Reverence. Then someone farted. Probably the rooster. The Secret Smooch Society erupted into cheer. Toasts were made with acorn cider. The gnomes performed an interpretive dance involving finger puppets and interpretive sobbing. Pippa was crowned with a garland of daisy snacks. Butterbean peed on Gerald, who accepted the blessing in dignified silence. That night, under a sky smeared with stars and baby giggles, the Chosen Squish and her Jowly Guardian were honored in a ceremony involving three cupcakes, a tambourine, and something called “The Ceremony of the Holy Tummy Raspberry.” But trouble was brewing. In the shadows beyond the garden, behind the compost bin and beneath the swing set of broken dreams, a pair of glowing eyes blinked. A dark whisper carried on the breeze: “The Squish is rising... We must stop it before it softens the world.” And thus, the true battle for the future of squish had begun... Rise of the Anti-Squish The dawn broke slow and buttery over the garden, golden rays stretching like lazy kittens across the moss and dew-kissed petals. Pippa, still crowned with her floral garland and a single Cheerio stuck to her cheek, awoke in her royal highchair to find Butterbean at her feet, doing that dreamy sideways snore only bulldogs do when they've eaten too much pudding and have emotionally given up on gravity. The celebrations of the night before had ended in hiccups, several poorly timed nap-crashes, and one incident involving a cupcake, a sprinkler, and the concept of dignity. But today, there would be no parades. No interpretive dances by worm troupes. No recitations from the Chipmunk Bard Collective. No, today… they had a mission. A prophecy had been squealed. A threat had emerged. And it all started with a suspicious giggle echoing from the far side of the compost bin. Meet: Taffyta Von Smoogle. A rival baby influencer with 4.6 million followers on Totstagram, a personal stroller valet, and a jawline so sharp it had allegedly once sliced a teething ring in half. Taffyta wore designer overalls, metallic pacifiers, and sported a birthmark shaped like the Chanel logo. Her parents called her “a prodigy.” Her nanny called her “an emotional sugar bomb with legs.” Taffyta hated squish. “Squish is... common,” she sneered to her army of identically dressed ducklings—her so-called “Taffy Duck Force.” They were less ducks and more highly trained peeping operatives with tiny aviator glasses and questionable morals. “Real power,” she continued, adjusting her satin bib, “is in angles. Edges. Untouchable aesthetic. Not... slobber-based affection.” She had heard of Pippa’s coronation. She had heard of the ancient pacifier. And she knew: if this Squish Movement continued, there would be no space left in the influencer market for her brand of ice-cold, baby-couture chic. The world would be full of open arms and squishy bellies. There would be hugs. On camera. She shuddered. “Unforgivable.” Meanwhile, back at the Council, Pippa sat in deep consultation with Gerald, Butterbean, and Linda the marmot. The raccoon, suffering from a cider hangover and unresolved abandonment issues, had opted to nap under a rake. They were drawing up battle plans in crayon. The operation was to be named: Smooch Storm: Operation Lipplosion. “We strike at naptime,” said Linda, tapping a juice box for emphasis. “That’s when the ducklings’ focus drops. We’ll need distractions, decoys, and at least three banana peels.” Butterbean, wearing a colander helmet and a bib that read “Cheek First, Ask Questions Later,” nodded solemnly. Pippa narrowed her eyes, slapped mashed peas onto a parchment like a wax seal, and gurgled her official approval. As the sun reached its apex, the squad moved. They emerged from the tulips like legends—Pippa in full ceremonial footie pajamas, Butterbean in a stroller mounted with squeaky toys and snacks, and Gerald dragging an entire wheelbarrow of emotional support plushies. They marched to the Other Side—the uncharted land of Taffyta’s domain—past the forbidden sandbox, over the Bridge of Abandoned Sippy Cups, and through the Dunes of Forgotten Teething Toys. Taffyta met them at the center of the cul-de-sac, surrounded by her ducklings, arms crossed and face full of smug. “Well, well,” she smirked. “If it isn’t the Duchess of Drool and her furry sidekick. What’s the matter? Lost your blankie of justice?” Pippa didn’t flinch. She stepped forward. The air changed. The roses from the other garden leaned in. Even the sidewalk ants paused their buffet of fallen graham cracker to watch. Slowly, gracefully, powerfully… she opened her arms. “Huh?” said Taffyta. Pippa stepped closer. Eyes wide. Smiling. Soft. Her fingers spread like petals. Butterbean let out a proud fart of solidarity. “Hug?” Pippa asked. For a moment, Taffyta faltered. Her ducklings gasped. Gerald squeaked in anticipation. And the entire world held its breath. “You… you can’t just—” she sputtered. “You can’t hug your way out of—” But Pippa could. And she did. With the force of a thousand unspoken lullabies and the cozy warmth of a blanket straight from the dryer, she enveloped Taffyta in a squish so pure it nearly rewired the ducklings’ entire understanding of strategic philosophy. At first, Taffyta resisted. She puffed. She scowled. But then… her stiff baby limbs softened. Her lips trembled. Her face cracked. And out popped a hiccup so loud and heartfelt it triggered spontaneous emotional vulnerability in a passing goldfish. “It’s... nice,” she whispered. And just like that, the squish prevailed. In the days that followed, the two baby empires merged. Taffyta opened a line of limited edition cuddle cloaks. The ducklings became certified emotional support fluff. The pacifier was returned to its velvet-lined shrine beneath the hydrangeas. And Pippa and Butterbean resumed their sacred morning ritual, now with twice the audience, three extra cupcakes, and a deeply apologetic raccoon who was working on himself. The garden, once divided, now bloomed in full harmony. The Judgmental Ferns gave standing ovations. The gnomes wept openly. And every morning, the world paused for one blessed moment to witness the most powerful magic of all: A kiss, a squish, and the unspoken promise that love will always find the chubbiest cheeks. And thus, the Squish Squad reigned in peace. Until, of course, the arrival of the Sibling Horde. But that’s a story for another bottle of juice...     Bring the Squish Home If the Squish Squad stole your heart (and let’s face it, they did), you can keep the magic going with cozy, cuddly, and display-worthy goodies from shop.unfocussed.com. Whether you're decorating a nursery, curling up for storytime, or just need a daily reminder that hugs > everything, we’ve got you covered: Wood Print – A rustic, ready-to-hang tribute to Pippa and Butterbean’s legendary smooch, perfect for warm-toned interiors and squish-friendly spaces. Throw Pillow – Hug it, squeeze it, nap on it. Butterbean would absolutely approve of this snuggle-ready accent. Fleece Blanket – Wrap yourself in this soft masterpiece and channel the spirit of The Secret Smooch Society. Bonus: great for napping through duckling invasions. Framed Print – Elevate your wall game with a museum-quality print of this heartwarming scene, framed and fabulous for squish appreciation year-round. Explore the full collection and let a little bit of baby-and-bulldog joy into your home. Long live the Squish!

por Bill Tiepelman

El Vigilante de la Luz Nocturna

De gnomos y deberes nocturnos Érase una vez —o al menos un tiempo después de la invención de la fontanería— un gnomo llamado Wimbley Plopfoot . No era el típico gnomo de jardín con caña de pescar y barriga cervecera tallada en cerámica. No, Wimbley era diferente. Tenía un trabajo. Uno de verdad. Era el Vigilante Oficial de la Luz Nocturna de la Gran Región Subterránea. Cada noche, en cuanto los humanos de arriba terminaban de hacer lo que suelen hacer antes de acostarse (una combinación de cepillarse los dientes, leer el doomscrolling y preguntarse si el queso sobrante seguía en buen estado), Wimbley se acomodaba en su sitio. Su suave gorro de dormir floreado le caía encantadoramente sobre un ojo. Su pijama a juego evocaba campos de lavanda y moda casual. Y en brazos, llevaba a Bartholomew el Oso , un peluche con una expresión sospechosamente crítica. "¿Listos?", preguntaba Wimbley cada noche, aunque Bartholomew nunca respondía. No estaba encantado, ni vivo, ni era mágico. Simplemente estaba allí. Juzgando. Como la mayoría de los osos, para ser sinceros. El ritual era sencillo: sentarse junto a la cama del niño, sostener el cartel de BUENAS NOCHES y exudar un aura de seguridad, calidez y un ligero toque herbal. Pero un martes particularmente anónimo, algo salió mal. Wimbley parpadeó lentamente y notó que el resplandor de la luz nocturna estaba... parpadeando . —Oh, no —murmuró, con su voz de gnomo, el equivalente auditivo de una infusión de manzanilla—. Otra vez no. La última vez que falló una lamparita, el niño soñó con brócoli consciente dando un golpe de estado en la cocina. Se necesitaron tres atrapasueños, una varilla de incienso susurrante y un terapeuta con marionetas para reparar el trauma. Wimbley se acercó al enchufe, gimiendo como solo alguien con rodillas más viejas que la democracia puede hacerlo. Tiró del enchufe y luego dio un golpecito a la lamparita. Nada. Sopló. Nada seguía. Bartholomew observaba en silencio, probablemente juzgando la técnica de Wimbley. "Supongo que voy a entrar", suspiró Wimbley, levantando una tabla suelta del suelo para revelar un túnel brillante y giratorio con una etiqueta que decía 'Reino Eléctrico: Sólo Gnomos Autorizados' . Con una palmadita de resignación en la cabeza de peluche de Bartholomew, se zambulló. El mundo se retorció. El olor a tostada quemada y pilas viejas le inundó la nariz. El túnel giró como la reluciente cisterna de un inodoro hasta que aterrizó con un sonoro plop en un lugar que sospechosamente parecía el interior de una fábrica de lámparas de lava dirigida por mapaches. —De acuerdo —murmuró Wimbley—. Arreglemos una lamparita antes de que la realidad se desmorone. El resplandor Wimbley se ajustó el cuello del pijama, una maniobra ridícula dado que acababa de sumergirse en un subespacio interdimensional alimentado por la ansiedad infantil y las pilas agotadas. El reino era más brillante de lo que le gustaba y olía vagamente a ozono, toallitas para secadora y pavor existencial. "Bienvenido al Departamento de Mantenimiento del Brillo", dijo un alegre orbe flotante con un portapapeles y diminutos anteojos para leer, balanceándose de alguna manera sobre lo que solo podría describirse como 'energía del párpado'. Wimbley entrecerró los ojos. "¿Tú otra vez?" El orbe parpadeó. «Ah, sí, señor Plopfoot. Ya le han marcado antes por «uso no autorizado de destornillador» y «insultar una subida de tensión». "Esa oleada lo empezó todo", se quejó Wimbley. "Me dio una descarga. Dos veces". El orbe emitió un zumbido evasivo y convocó a una puerta translúcida que brillaba con etiquetas de neón: «Bosque de filamentos», «Pantano de circuitos», «Cementerio de bombillas» y, el destino de Wimbley , «Admisión de reparación de bajo brillo». Cruzó el arco, que lo depositó al instante en una enorme caverna brillante llena de mechas flotantes y una cantidad sospechosa de conos de tráfico. Ingenieros gnomos con cascos diminutos gritaban sobre la potencia mientras bebían martinis con barras luminosas. —¡Oye, Wimbley! —gritó una figura desgarbada con un portapapeles más grande que él—. ¿Estás aquí por la gota brillante en el Sector Ronquido Alfa? "Sí, parpadea como una luciérnaga con cafeína", dijo Wimbley, sacándose la pelusa de la barba. Eso no está bien. El brillo de la luz nocturna debería ser suave, como un pudín con ambición. "Exactamente." Los dos gnomos intercambiaron asentimientos y se sumergieron en la charla técnica: amperaje, umbrales de consistencia de los sueños y un debate muy acalorado sobre si un osito de peluche debería considerarse un estabilizador emocional o un sedante basado en la distracción. Finalmente, encontraron el problema. Un microfusible del tamaño de un píxel había sido corrompido por una pesadilla olvidada de 2006. Algo común, al parecer. Wimbley lo reemplazó con unas pinzas hechas con cuentos para dormir solidificados y suspiró aliviado al ver que el brillo volvía a su suave y suave normalidad. —Dile a Bartolomé que todavía me debe cinco abrazos —dijo el gnomo desaliñado, tocándose el sombrero. Wimbley sonrió y regresó al túnel, sintiendo el calor de la luminiscencia restaurada pulsar en el aire como una canción de cuna tarareada por un pasante celestial con exceso de trabajo. Aterrizó de nuevo en la habitación del niño con una nube de purpurina. La lamparita de noche brillaba con fuerza y ​​firmeza. El niño dormía plácidamente, con una pierna completamente fuera de la manta (un gesto que aún aterrorizaba a los demonios). Bartholomew permaneció exactamente donde lo dejó Wimbley: con los brazos abiertos y la mirada crítica sin cambios. —Misión cumplida —susurró Wimbley, acomodándose en su puesto habitual y levantando de nuevo el cartel de BUENAS NOCHES . La habitación estaba a salvo. La luz era perfecta. Y en algún lugar profundo debajo de las tablas del piso, un técnico de mapaches presentó otra queja contra una fuga de brillantina no autorizada. A Wimbley no le importó. Su trabajo estaba hecho. Hasta mañana por la noche… Desvanecerse en sueños. Epílogo: Brilla, pequeño bicho raro Pasaron los años, o quizás solo tres minutos, dependiendo de cómo funcione el tiempo cuando tienes la forma de un adorno de jardín y te mueves con la luz de la luna. Wimbley Plopfoot, ahora ascendido a Enlace Superior de Resplandor , seguía en su puesto debajo de la cama de la niña, ahora un poco mayor (quien a veces se refería a él como "ese duendecillo raro de la hora de dormir" en su diario). ¿Bartolomé? Sigue juzgando. Sigue siendo lujoso. Sigue invicto en todos los concursos de miradas conocidos en el mundo de los lujosos. La lamparilla, en pleno funcionamiento gracias a la ingeniería avanzada de los gnomos y quizás a un poco de pegamento mágico ilegal, brillaba como un faro de suave desafío contra el caos creciente de los miedos a la hora de dormir. Los monstruos se habían reubicado hacía tiempo; algo relacionado con los permisos de urbanismo y la escasez de refrigerios sin gluten. A Wimbley no le importó. Tenía todo lo que necesitaba: un horario para dormir ligeramente arrugado, una bata sospechosamente sensible y la admiración tácita de la comunidad de los que se acostaban debajo de la cama, quienes una vez lo votaron como "el que más probablemente detiene un sueño de pánico con solo una mirada de reojo". Y cada noche, mientras las estrellas parpadeaban y los padres exhalaban sobre los monitores de bebés, Wimbley sostenía su cartel con un simple mensaje: BUENAS NOCHES Y si por casualidad miras debajo de tu cama y ves una figurita con una barba más larga que tu lista de tareas pendientes, simplemente sonríe. Él lo tiene todo bajo control. Ya puedes dormir. Brillad, soñadores. Brillad. Dale un toque de brillo a tu hogar Si sentiste una chispa de calidez (o un puro absurdo gnómico) con The Nightlight Watcher , ahora puedes traer esa misma magia acogedora a tu ritual de dormir. Ya sea que estés decorando la habitación de tu bebé, mejorando tu rincón de siesta o simplemente necesites un osito de peluche crítico en tela, hay algo de ensueño para ti: Tapiz de pared : transforma cualquier habitación con un brillo suave y narrativo. 🛏️ Cojín : acurrúcate en el país de los sueños con un cojín aprobado por los gnomos. 🧸 Manta Polar – La manta oficial de los protocolos de apoyo emocional de Bartholomew. Funda nórdica : con certificación Gnome para un máximo encanto a la hora de dormir. Compra la colección completa y deja que Wimbley Plopfoot vigile tus sueños, sin necesidad de pilas ni mapaches burocráticos.