par Bill Tiepelman
Tideborn Majesty
The Splash Heard 'Round the Realms By the time the unicorn hit the water, the Kingdom of Larethia was already in trouble. Taxes were up, pants were down, and the High Chancellor had accidentally turned himself into a marzipan swan mid-speech at a war council. In short, things were spiraling. Then came the splash. Not just any splash, mind you. This was the sort of splash that made sirens clutch their pearls and krakens raise a brow. It came at twilight—when the veil between realms wore thin—and it was made by a creature so radiant, so unreasonably majestic, it seemed the gods had been holding out on the good stuff. From the ocean leapt a horned beast of impossible beauty. Wings like opalescent glass arched into the dying sun. Its mane flowed like moonlight drunk on champagne. And its horn? Let’s just say it looked like the sort of thing that could skewer both a dragon and your ex’s ego in a single thrust. “Oh no,” muttered the wizard Argonath, sipping from a mug that read ‘#1 Spellslinger’. “It’s one of those.” “A flying unicorn?” asked Lady Cressida, princess by birth, chaos incarnate by choice. She was halfway through her third goblet of fermented starlight and already considering seducing the phenomenon for political leverage—or for fun. Whichever came first. “Not just a unicorn,” Argonath said grimly. “That’s a Tideborn. One of the First Five. Rumor says they show up only when realms are about to collapse or… begin anew.” The creature touched down on the shore in a spray of light and seafoam, hooves sizzling against the sand like divine frying pans. Every seagull in a three-mile radius passed out in unison. One exploded. No one talked about it. Lady Cressida stepped forward, tipsy but intrigued. “Well then. I suppose we ought to say hello to the end of the world—or the start of a rather exciting chapter.” She straightened her crown, adjusted her cleavage (always part of diplomacy), and began walking toward the Tideborn with the unshakable confidence of a woman who’d once won a duel using only a spoon and three insults. The unicorn stared back. Its eyes gleamed like galaxies having an argument. Time hiccuped. The waves paused. Somewhere, a bard fainted in anticipatory excitement. And just like that… destiny blinked first. Diplomacy by Firelight and Feral Sass The unicorn did not speak—not in the usual sense. No lips moved. No vocal cords vibrated. Instead, words pressed directly into the minds of everyone present, like a silk-wrapped brick of pure intention. It was a telepathic voice, deep and resonant, with the seductive growl of thunder and the tactless honesty of a drunk philosopher. “You smell like bad decisions and premature declarations of war,” it said bluntly to Lady Cressida. “I like you.” Cressida beamed. “Likewise. Are you available for a seasonal alliance or, perhaps, something slightly more carnal with a diplomatic twist?” The Tideborn blinked. Galaxies in its eyes collapsed and reformed into spirals of amused indifference. Argonath muttered into his beard. “Of course. She’s trying to seduce the doomsday horse.” The beach was now crowded. Word of the divine splash had spread like wildfire through the realm. Locals, nobles, spellcasters, and three absolutely feral bards arrived breathless, notebooks at the ready. The bards immediately began arguing over what key the unicorn’s hooves were clapping in. One claimed it was E minor; another swore it was the rhythm of heartbreak. The third burst into spontaneous song and was immediately punched by the other two. Meanwhile, the sky shifted. Stars began to shimmer more boldly, and the moon rose too fast, like it had just remembered it was late for something. The fabric of reality puckered slightly, like a bedsheet being sat on by a cosmic weight. “This realm is on the cusp,” the unicorn said, pacing with the grace of a god doing yoga. “You’ve abused its magic, ignored its tides, and scheduled war like it was a midweek brunch. But—” the beast paused dramatically, “there is potential. Unruly. Unrefined. Unreasonably attractive.” Its eyes landed again on Cressida. “Well,” she purred, “I do exfoliate with dragon ash and self-belief.” Argonath rolled his eyes so hard a minor wind spell activated. “What the beast is saying, Princess, is that the realm might not be doomed if we pull our collective heads out of our collective rears.” “I know what it said,” Cressida snapped. “I’m fluent in ego.” The unicorn—whose name, it revealed, was something unpronounceable in mortal tongue but roughly translated to ‘She Who Kicks Stagnation in the Teeth’—lowered its horn and drew a line in the sand. Literally. It was a glowing line, pulsing like a heartbeat. Everyone stepped back except Cressida, who approached with the energy of a woman about to declare civil war at a brunch buffet. “What is this?” she asked, heels crunching over the warm sand. “A challenge?” “A choice,” said the Tideborn. “Step across, and everything changes. Stay, and everything stays exactly the same until it all collapses under the weight of mediocrity and bureaucracy.” It was a hard sell for a realm built on red tape and unnecessarily fancy hats. But Cressida did not hesitate. She stepped over the line with one sandal, then the other, and for a brief, blinding moment, her silhouette exploded into celestial ribbons and dripping nebula. When the light faded, her armor had melted into something infinitely more badass—dark silk wrapped in starlight, with shoulder pads that whispered ancient battle hymns. Everyone gasped, except for the wizard, who merely scribbled in his journal, “Fashion: unholy but effective.” The unicorn reared and trumpeted a sound that cracked open a passing cloud. Lightning danced across the sky like drunk ballerinas. The earth trembled. And from beneath the waves, something else began to rise—an ancient altar long buried beneath the tides, covered in barnacles, ambition, and salt-soaked secrets. “You’ve chosen rebirth,” said the Tideborn, now glowing from within like an overachieving glow stick. “The rest will come. Painful, ridiculous, glorious. But it will come.” And just like that, the unicorn turned. It walked back into the ocean without a backward glance, mane whipped by starwind, wings tucked tight. Each step shimmered with impossible possibility. By the time its tail disappeared into the surf, the crowd was silent. Spellbound. Terrified. Slightly aroused. Argonath turned to Cressida. “So. What now?” She cracked her knuckles, eyes alight with the fire of new beginnings and scandalous potential. “Now?” She smiled like the morning after a political coup. “Now we wake the gods... and rewrite everything.” The Crownless Reign and Other Awkward Miracles The following weeks were not quiet. As Cressida crossed the Tideborn’s line, reality wobbled like a drunk noble at his sixth royal banquet. Prophecies updated themselves mid-sentence, magic surged through plumbing systems, and one particularly unfortunate palace hedge gave birth to sentient topiary who immediately unionized and demanded leaf conditioner. Lady Cressida—no longer just a lady—now carried herself like thunder dressed in lipstick. Her new title, whispered reverently (and sometimes fearfully) across the land, was Stormborne Sovereign. No coronation. No ceremony. Just a roaring shift in the very bones of the world and an unspoken understanding: she ruled now. Meanwhile, the council scrambled. The Grand Comptroller tried to ban metaphor. The Minister of Protocol fainted upon discovering Cressida had abolished dress codes in favor of “emotional layering.” Argonath quietly relocated his tower to a mountaintop just out of fireball range and began writing memoirs titled: “I Told You So: Volume I”. But Cressida wasn’t interested in power for the sake of it. She had something far more dangerous: vision. With the magic of the Tideborn humming in her veins like caffeinated destiny, she marched straight into the Temple of Refrained Divinities—a grand dome of overly polite gods—and kicked open the doors. “Hello, pantheon,” she said, brushing starlight off her shoulders. “It’s time we talked about accountability.” The gods stared, mid-nectar brunch, dumbfounded. A mortal. In their dining room. With that much cleavage and zero fear. “Who dares?” asked Solarkun, God of Controlled Fires and Bureaucratic Passion. “I do,” she replied. “I dare with excellent lighting and one hell of a thesis.” She laid it out. The cycle of rise, ruin, repeat. The apathy. The interference. The divine meddling disguised as fate. She talked of mortals tired of being the punchline to immortal whim. She demanded cooperation, balance—and a revised calendar because “Monday” was clearly cursed. There was stunned silence, followed by muffled applause from one of the lesser gods—probably Elaris, Patron Deity of Misplaced Keys. It escalated, as these things do. There were trials of wit and will. Cressida debated the goddess of Paradox until time itself had to sit down for a drink. She wrestled the Avatar of Eternal Expectations in a ring of shifting realities and won by making him laugh so hard he fell through his own narrative loop. She even seduced—then ghosted—the demi-god of Seasonal Overthinking, leaving him writing poetry about why mortals always “ruin everything beautifully.” Eventually, even the gods had to admit: this was not a woman you could put back in the box—or on a throne. She wasn’t ruling from above. She was already in the world. Walking barefoot through its contradictions. Dancing in its ruins. Kissing chaos on the mouth and asking it what it wanted to be when it grew up. And so, Cressida made the gods an offer: step down from the altar and step up as partners. Join the mortals in rebuilding. Help without dominating. Witness without warping. Incredibly, a few agreed. The others? She left them in the divine breakroom with a strong suggestion to “sort their existential kinks out before they tried meddling again.” Back on the beach where it all began, the tide rolled out to reveal something unexpected: a second line in the sand. Smaller, fainter, as though waiting for someone else to choose. Argonath stood staring at it. The wizard who had lived through five failed empires, one successful midlife crisis, and seven accidentally summoned demons (one of whom he’d dated). He sipped his tea, now permanently spiked with phoenix bitters, and sighed. “Well,” he muttered. “Might as well make things interesting.” He stepped across. In the weeks that followed, others would too. A baker with dreams of skyships. A warrior with anxiety and perfect hair. An old thief who missed being surprised. One by one, they crossed—not to seize power, but to participate in something terrifying and spectacular: change. The realm didn’t fix overnight. It cracked. It shifted. It argued. It danced awkwardly and re-learned how to listen. But under moonlight and under starlight, something pulsed again. Something real. Not prophecy. Not fate. Just choice, messy and magnificent. And far across the water, beneath constellations no one had named yet, the Tideborn watched—half myth, half midwife to a reborn world—and smiled. Because new beginnings never arrive quietly. They crash like waves. They shimmer like madness. And they always, always, leave the sand forever changed. Bring the magic home. If “Tideborn Majesty” stirred something wild, wistful, or wonderfully rebellious in you, don’t let it fade with the tide. Hang it in a framed print where dreams spark revolutions. Let it shimmer in acrylic like myth caught mid-flight. Challenge your mind with the jigsaw version and piece together magic at your pace. Toss the Tideborn onto your couch with a throw pillow that whispers rebellion between naps. Or send someone a greeting card infused with the spirit of transformation and winged sarcasm. Magic doesn’t have to stay in stories—it can live in your space too.
