por Bill Tiepelman
The Dragon of the Christmas Grove
Long before Santa Claus got fat, and elves unionized for better candy-cane breaks, there was another story of Christmas magic—a legend buried deep in the frosted forests and whispered only on the longest, coldest nights. The Beginning of the End… Or Something Like That Once upon a decidedly hungover December morning, the world almost ended. See, humans—being humans—accidentally broke Christmas. Someone tried summoning a "Yuletide Spirit" with one too many Pinterest-y candles, a dash of clove, and a Latin incantation they absolutely mispronounced. Instead of a cozy Hallmark miracle, the spell ripped open a glowing crack in the universe and out popped a dragon. Not a metaphorical dragon. Not a cute, cartoon dragon you’d knit sweaters for. Oh no. This dragon was glorious and also mildly ticked off. Its scales gleamed a vicious green and red—so festive it looked like it should sit on top of a tree. Instead, it perched atop the shattered remnants of its giant ornament-egg and said, in a deep, gravelly voice: “WHO. SUMMONED. ME?” The forest fell silent. Even the squirrels paused mid-nut. Somewhere, a snowman fainted. Unfortunately, the answer was: nobody. Like most human problems, the summoning had been a group effort involving Karen from HR’s holiday party antics and Greg’s terrible idea of making a “pagan bonfire moment.” “Ugh,” the dragon said, looking around with eyes that flickered like Christmas lights on the fritz. “What century is this? Why does everything smell like peppermint and regret?” Enter: A Hero (Sort Of) This is where Marvin comes in. Marvin was not brave. He was not handsome. He was not even particularly sober. He was just a guy who’d wandered into the woods after his cousins roasted his ugly Christmas sweater. Marvin, clutching his half-empty eggnog, stumbled upon the dragon. “Whoa,” Marvin said. “That’s… that’s a big lizard.” “Excuse me?” said the dragon, its wings flaring dramatically. Marvin squinted up at it, swaying a little. “Are you, like, a metaphor for capitalism?” “I AM CALDERYX, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!” the dragon roared, snowflakes swirling wildly around it. “...AND POSSIBLY A HOLIDAY MIRACLE, IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.” Marvin frowned, thinking hard. “So… you’re here to ruin Christmas?” “Oh no,” Caldyrex replied. “I’m here to fix it. Humanity has clearly forgotten how to celebrate properly. You’ve turned it into cheap sweaters, lukewarm fruitcake, and terrible carols sung in high-pitched nasal tones.” Marvin blinked. “I mean, yeah. That tracks.” The Dragon’s Christmas Reform Plan What followed was the weirdest Christmas Eve of all time. With Marvin as his reluctant wingman, Caldyrex instituted his Great Christmas Overhaul, or as Marvin called it, “Festivus for the Damned.” Step 1: Ban the song “Feliz Navidad” after its third repeat. Step 2: Melt every fruitcake into a gooey lava pit for good measure. Step 3: Replace fake Christmas cheer with something better. “What’s better?” Marvin asked, confused. Caldyrex exhaled a plume of fire that ignited a nearby pine tree into a blazing spectacle of light and shadow. “Chaos. And also real joy. Have you ever seen someone open an unexpected gift and scream ‘HOW DID YOU KNOW?’ That’s Christmas, Marvin. THAT'S MAGIC.” Marvin couldn’t argue with that. The Surprise Ending At midnight, Caldyrex declared his mission complete. People across the village woke up to find mysterious, personalized gifts on their porches. Karen from HR got noise-cancelling headphones. Greg got a Latin dictionary and a restraining order from all bonfires. And Marvin? Marvin woke up in his living room to a brand-new sweater—one that said “The Dragon’s Favorite Human.” He smiled, despite himself. As for Caldyrex, the dragon slipped back into his ornament-egg with a satisfied sigh. “Until next year, Marvin,” he said, disappearing into a burst of golden light. “Keep the magic alive.” Marvin raised his eggnog in salute. “Merry Christmas, big guy.” The Moral of the Legend Every Christmas since, the legend of Caldyrex has spread in hushed, slightly tipsy tones. If your holiday feels too predictable—if you’ve heard “Jingle Bell Rock” one time too many—keep an eye out for a shimmering ornament that seems to hum with its own warmth. Because sometimes, Christmas magic isn’t soft and twinkly. Sometimes, it’s a dragon that yells at you to do better. And honestly, we probably deserve it. Bring the Legend Home If you’ve fallen in love with the story of Caldyrex, The Dragon of the Christmas Grove, you can bring a little magic (and snarky holiday cheer) into your home. Explore these featured products inspired by the legendary scene: Tapestry: Transform your walls with the glow and grandeur of the Christmas Dragon. Canvas Print: A stunning masterpiece to capture the magic year-round. Puzzle: Piece together the legend one glowing scale at a time. Greeting Card: Send a little holiday chaos with a dragon-approved message. Celebrate the season with a twist of magic and a dash of fire. Caldyrex would approve.
