par Bill Tiepelman
Campfire Regrets
Marshwin T. Mallow had always been warned about the fire. "Keep your fluff three feet from the flame," his mother used to say. “Any closer and you’ll be a crème brûlée with abandonment issues.” But Marshwin, ever the thrill-seeker, was born to tempt fate — or at least tempt thermodynamics. And on one fateful, smoky, stick-snapping evening in Sizzlewood Forest, he made the worst decision of his gelatinous little life: he sat too damn close to the campfire. To be fair, the fire had *looked* romantic — all flickery and seductive like a Tinder date that promised s’mores but delivered STDs. The kind of fire that whispered, “Come hither, baby. Let me kiss your sugary dome.” Marshwin, puffy with pride and three shots of pine needle gin deep, took the bait. He dragged his stubby bottom across the dirt, wedging himself cozily between a mossy log and a pile of broken dreams (read: crunchy acorns and one suspiciously melted gummy bear). “Just gonna toast the buns a bit,” he mumbled to himself, adjusting his polka-dotted neckerchief — the one he wore for occasions when he wanted to look hot. Literal hot. Not fashion hot. Although if you asked him after two more gin shots, he’d tell you it was both. Five seconds in and the sweat was real. Not from panic — from the marshmallow equivalent of an armpit. His edges began to bulge. A thin veil of smoke rose from his scalp like a bad idea. His eyes widened, and a tiny, pained fart escaped from what could generously be called a "marshhole." “Aw hell,” he whispered, feeling his top begin to caramelize. “I’ve made a terrible mistake.” From across the firepit, his best friend Graham — a honey-wheat cracker with a crippling fear of heat — waved frantically. “GET OUTTA THERE, YOU STICKY IDIOT!” But Marshwin was already stuck. His gooey thighs had bonded with the bark beneath him. His lower fluff had begun to blister in places that weren’t covered in the marshmallow anatomy manual. And worst of all, his once-proud sheen was now a patchy, blistered wreck, like a melted bar of soap trying to cosplay as a glazed donut. In the woods behind him, a chorus of toasted nuts and charred licorice whispered legends of others who had dared flirt with combustion. “He’s the chosen goo,” one hissed. “The one they’ll call ‘The Half-Baked.’” As the campfire cracked louder — and Marshwin’s pride cracked louder still — something inside him snapped. Was it the sugar bonds? His sense of dignity? Or simply the feeling returning to his left mallow cheek? He didn’t know. But he was about to find out. And it involved a very awkward escape plan, a twig that looked suspiciously like a grappling hook, and the kind of groan that only comes from burning your metaphorical balls on literal firewood. Marshwin's internal monologue had long since turned into a full-blown mental meltdown, not unlike the slow-roasting calamity bubbling under his epidermis. As his upper puff smoldered like a busted ceiling tile at a vape convention, he began muttering a half-drunk survival mantra under his breath: “Stay calm. Don’t panic. You’re not stuck. You’re simply... aggressively adhered to bark with third-degree fluff trauma.” His left arm — let’s call it what it was, a stubby goo-nub with the flexibility of a licorice whip — wobbled toward the twig he’d spotted earlier. It looked kind of like a grappling hook if you squinted, spun three times, and were suffering heatstroke. Still, it was something. And Marshwin wasn’t about to die crispy. Not tonight. Not like this. Not with his marshhole exposed to the open air like a disgraced fondue fountain. He lunged. Or rather, he *attempted* to lunge. What actually happened was a pitiful shimmy, like a sentient marshmallow trying to twerk its way out of trauma. The singed bark clung to his undercarriage with the loyalty of a bad ex — refusing to let go and full of splinters. “GRAHAAAAAAAM!” he bellowed, his voice cracking like a stale wafer. “I need backup!” From behind a rock, Graham peeked out, trembling like a cracker at a vegan cheese convention. “Dude, I don’t *have* arms. I’m two flat planks held together by crippling anxiety and cinnamon dust!” “Then THROW SOMETHING! Chuck me a mushroom! A sock! YOUR DIGNITY!” Marshwin screamed. Instead, Graham hurled a pinecone. It struck Marshwin squarely in the face, bouncing off with a loud thwok and smearing sap across his toasted cheek like war paint. “NAILED IT!” Graham shouted, clearly unqualified for first aid or friendship. Meanwhile, things were escalating. A small squirrel had appeared, sniffing around the clearing like it had just stumbled upon the world’s most confused dessert. It stared at Marshwin, tilting its head. “Don’t even THINK about it, nut nugget,” Marshwin hissed. “I may be roasted, but I bite back.” Somewhere in the background, a disheveled raccoon with a headband and a hotdog skewer muttered, “You got any chocolate? We could complete the trifecta...” “BACK OFF, BANDIT CAT!” Marshwin shrieked, flailing wildly now. In a burst of desperation and molten shame, he yanked himself upward — bark and bits of moss ripping from beneath his scorched ass like a marshmallow molting into adulthood. The twig grapple caught a branch. For one glorious second, he was airborne. Gliding through the forest like a marshmallowy Tarzan of the Trees, screaming, “I REGRET EVERYTHING AND NOTHING!” He soared. He glistened. He briefly passed out from sugar loss and existential horror. And then — *WHAM.* He faceplanted into a muddy creek with all the grace of a microwaved jellyfish. Sputtering, smoking, and newly soaked, Marshwin crawled to the bank, trailing charred fluff and pondweed from his dignity-parts. Behind him, the forest was quiet. The fire crackled on in the distance, smug as hell. Graham finally caught up, panting and breathless. “You made it. Holy crap. You smell like burnt hope and sticky trauma.” “I’m a changed puff,” Marshwin wheezed, steam rising from every orifice. “No more fire. No more neckerchief flair. No more butt-scorching bravado.” He rolled onto his back, looking at the stars. “From now on... I live a cool life. Like, refrigerator-chilled... popsicle-monk... no-spark lifestyle. I'm going full Zen Snack.” “You’ll last a week,” Graham said flatly. “Probably less,” Marshwin sighed. “But damn if I didn’t look hot while nearly dying.” Next: A mysterious traveler offers Marshwin a new purpose... and maybe a pair of pants. The next morning arrived like a hangover in a nun’s confessional — silent, judgy, and full of regrets. Marshwin T. Mallow lay motionless on a flat rock, steam gently hissing from his pores. His once-pristine fluff now resembled a half-sucked pillow mint that had been dropped in gravel and dunked in regret. Every inch of him ached. Even the bits that didn’t technically exist on the marshmallow anatomy chart. Like his sense of pride. And whatever was left of his marsh-nuts. “I feel like a microwaved napkin,” he muttered. “You smell like a failed crème brûlée that cheated on its diet,” Graham chimed in, chewing thoughtfully on a stick he’d mistaken for an oat bar. “Honestly, I’m proud of you. You finally outran both the fire and your own overconfidence. That’s growth. Or combustion. Hard to tell with you.” Marshwin tried to flip him off but could only manage a floppy wiggle of his semi-melted hand nub. “Shut up and go find me a loofah. I’ve got bark in crevices I didn’t know I had.” That’s when the shadow appeared — long, ominous, and shaped like an overfed marshmallow in a trench coat. From the trees stepped a figure none of them had ever seen, though they instantly felt like he’d been lurking in the back of their cookbook all along. He was tall. Puffy. Lightly dusted in cocoa powder like he was born of a barista’s fever dream. He wore a crooked toffee monocle and walked with a graham cracker cane. His name was whispered only once, but that was enough: “S’morris,” Graham whispered. “The Charred One. The legendary snack who survived triple-roast s’moregery and a camping trip with teenagers...” “Shut your crumbs,” S’morris growled, voice smooth like marshmallow jazz. “I heard there was a little puff who got singed but didn’t melt. A sweetling who thought he could tango with fire and not end up a puddle on a cracker. That you, Toastboy?” Marshwin sat up slowly, the scorched bark fused to his backside cracking like cheap ceramics. “What’s it to you, Sugarpimp?” S’morris smiled. “I like your attitude. Arrogant. Roasted. Gooey in all the wrong places. You’ve got what it takes. Ever heard of the Toasted Order?” “Is that some kind of cult?” Marshwin asked. “Because I already drank enough pine gin last night to hallucinate a squirrel with a knife.” “No,” S’morris said. “It’s a support group. For the singed. The caramelized. The ones who’ve flown too close to the flame, got their asses burnt, and came out... seasoned.” Marshwin blinked. “You want me to join a gang of emotionally scarred snack foods?” “We meet Thursdays,” S’morris added. “We swap stories. Trade SPF tricks. Learn how to walk again without leaving streaks. Sometimes we fight raccoons. Mostly for sport.” Marshwin looked down at his crispy hands. Then at Graham. Then at the firepit in the distance, where smoke still danced like the ghost of his roasted past. “Fine,” he said, “But only if you’ve got pants. I’m tired of moss rash.” S’morris pulled a pair of custom-tailored s’more-shorts from inside his coat — woven from licorice strands, lined with powdered sugar, and tastefully embroidered with the words “Too Sweet to Die.” “Welcome to the Order, Toastboy.” Over the next several weeks, Marshwin trained with the Order of the Toasted. He mastered the ancient ways of the Sear-Slip. He learned to extinguish himself in three seconds or less. He even achieved Marshmallow Inner Peace (M.I.P.), which involved deep breathing and controlled melting. They traveled the woods. Preached fire safety to reckless teens. Set squirrel traps made of peanut butter and sarcasm. And every night, around a controlled, regulated firepit with a perimeter of gravel and safety signage, Marshwin would share his story — of ego, combustion, escape... and sticky redemption. One day, he returned to that same log where it all began. The bark still bore his butt-mark — a fossil of fluff and shame. Marshwin smiled, placed a graham cracker flower at the site, and whispered, “Thanks for the trauma. You taught me how to live cool.” Then he farted softly and walked into the sunset, his sugar-pants rustling in the breeze. Bring the Roast Home 🔥 Marshwin’s tragicomic tale of toasty survival is now immortalized in art — perfect for those who like their décor equal parts whimsical and well-done. Framed Prints bring the full, singed glory of Marshwin’s meltdown to your walls, while the sleek Metal Prints add an extra layer of fireproof flair. Prefer your humor on natural textures? The Wood Prints give rustic charm to this campfire catastrophe. Challenge yourself (or your friends) to piece together every glorious bit of Marshwin’s gooey trauma with a delightfully ridiculous Jigsaw Puzzle, or carry his legacy with you into the wild with our versatile Tote Bag — ideal for snacks, regret, and emergency marshmallow repellant. Because nothing says “I’ve got great taste” like celebrating the life of a mildly traumatized, partially caramelized marshmallow legend.
