Christmas gnome

by Bill Tiepelman

A Gnome’s New Year Revelry

The Gnome Who Gave Zero F***s About New Year's It was a snowy New Year’s Eve in the middle of nowhere—exactly how the gnome liked it. His name? Didn’t matter. Let’s just call him "That Gnome." He wasn’t the cute kind you’d stick in a garden. No, this one was a little rough around the edges, with a long curly hat that screamed, “I’m festive, but also don’t touch me.” That Gnome was perched on a wooden stump, surrounded by glittering crap that would make even Martha Stewart gag from the excess. A Christmas tree, decked out in so much gold it looked like a Kardashian got to it, loomed behind him. At his feet, champagne bottles were scattered like battlefield casualties, their corks long popped, their bubbly contents half-drained. “Here we go again,” he muttered, staring at the fireworks that were lighting up the snowy forest sky. “Another year, another pile of resolutions no one’s gonna keep. Cheers to more lies and gym memberships!” He grabbed his glass of champagne, but not before kicking over a perfectly wrapped gift. "What is this? Socks? F***ing socks again? I live in the damn woods! What part of ‘practical’ don’t you people understand?” He sighed dramatically and took a swig. The bubbles burned just right. He’d definitely regret it tomorrow, but that was tomorrow’s problem. The Party Nobody Was Invited To Despite his grumpy demeanor, That Gnome had set quite the scene. Candles flickered, casting a warm glow over the forest clearing. Golden ornaments dangled from nearby trees, glinting in the firelight. A clock, ominously ticking down to midnight, sat on a makeshift table. He’d stolen it from a passing hiker months ago. Recycling, he called it. “Ten minutes until midnight,” he grumbled, looking at the clock. “Just enough time to regret everything I’ve eaten this week and remind myself that kale is still garbage.” He leaned back against the stump, watching the world celebrate through his tiny, judgmental eyes. Somewhere, people were singing “Auld Lang Syne,” holding hands, and pretending they weren’t going to ghost half the people in that room by February. Midnight Madness The countdown began, and That Gnome groaned audibly. “Ten… nine… blah, blah, blah,” he mocked as the fireworks began to crescendo overhead. “Three… two… one—oh, look! It’s another year where I have to pretend to care!” The clock struck midnight, and the forest exploded in light and noise. Fireworks crackled, the tree sparkled, and That Gnome raised his glass. “Cheers to you, 2025. Let’s see if you can suck a little less than last year. Though, knowing how this world works, I’m not holding my breath.” He drained his glass in one gulp and threw the flute into the snow. “That’s it! Party’s over. Go home, you losers!” he shouted to absolutely no one. He was, after all, completely alone. Resolution? Don’t Hold Your Breath By the time the fireworks faded and the champagne bottles were empty, That Gnome was passed out in the snow, snoring loudly. His curly hat drooped comically over his face, and his beard was covered in glitter from a champagne mishap. Somewhere in his alcohol-soaked brain, he muttered, “Next year, I’ll try harder. Just kidding—screw that.” And there he lay, the most festive, grumpy little gnome in the forest, dreaming of a world where people actually gave up on the whole “New Year, New Me” charade. As far as he was concerned, New Year’s resolutions were for suckers, and champagne was the only thing worth celebrating. So, here’s to That Gnome: the hero we didn’t ask for, but the one we all secretly are. May your New Year be full of snark, sass, and just enough champagne to make it bearable.     Shop the Look Love the vibe of this grumpy little gnome’s celebration? Bring some of that festive sass into your home or wardrobe with these amazing products: Shop this scene as a tapestry – Perfect for covering that boring wall you’ve been meaning to fix. Canvas print – Because your living room deserves a gnome’s touch of sarcasm. Throw pillow – A soft place to rest while you contemplate your next fake resolution. Tote bag – For carrying your champagne and snacks to the next party you’ll regret attending. Start your year with a laugh and some style! Click the links above to shop now.

by Bill Tiepelman

Lantern Light and Holly Delight

The Day After Christmas: The Gnome Chronicles The day after Christmas dawned cold and bitter. Snow still clung to the pine branches outside the gnome’s hut, but inside, it smelled of regret, spiked eggnog, and faintly of burnt gingerbread. Our hero, the holiday gnome—known in certain circles as Gary—sat at his wooden table, nursing a hangover the size of Santa’s naughty list. Gary squinted at the mess around him. Broken ornaments glittered like shameful confetti, and the pine needles on the floor looked less festive and more like a crime scene. His lantern flickered on the table, barely holding onto its dignity. “Why the hell did I do shots with those damned elves?” Gary grumbled, rubbing his temples. “Those little bastards are like frat bros with pointy ears.” The Night Before It had started innocently enough. Christmas Eve had been perfect—snow was falling, carolers were singing, and Gary had successfully avoided the reindeer potluck (he had a sneaking suspicion about what "venison surprise" really meant). By Christmas night, however, the elves showed up at his hut with “a little cheer,” which turned out to be a keg, a deck of questionable playing cards, and enough eggnog to sedate a moose. Gary had intended to keep it classy, sipping his spiked nog and munching on cookies. But then Elroy, the ringleader of the elves, brought out the peppermint schnapps. “One shot won’t kill you, G-Man!” Elroy had chirped, grinning like the devil in a holiday sweater. That was the beginning of the end. Fast forward three hours, and Gary was wearing his red knit hat like a toga, belting out inappropriate versions of Christmas carols. “Deck the halls with boughs of holly—fa-la-la-la-*burp*! La-la-la-screw-it-all!” He barely remembered the elf conga line, but he distinctly recalled losing a bet that involved twerking on the mistletoe. Regrets (and an Angry Reindeer) Now, in the harsh light of the day after, Gary faced the aftermath. His overalls were smeared with frosting from some ill-advised cupcake fight, and his boots were missing entirely. He suspected the elves had stolen them as a prank. To make matters worse, there was a pile of reindeer poop outside his front door, which suggested he’d angered someone in Santa’s fleet. Again. He groaned as he spotted his phone blinking on the table. A text from Elroy read, “Legendary party, bro! Also, I think you owe Prancer an apology.” Gary frowned. What could he have possibly done to Prancer? The memory was foggy, but flashes of him trying to ride a reindeer like a drunk cowboy came to mind. “Dammit,” he muttered. “That explains the hoof mark on my ass.” The Clean-Up He spent the rest of the morning cleaning up the carnage. The snow-dusted wooden planks outside his hut were littered with half-empty bottles and candy cane shards. He found his missing boots under a bush, inexplicably tied together with tinsel. As for the reindeer poop, he shoveled it into a sack labeled “Return to Sender” and left it by the elves’ workshop. By noon, Gary had restored some semblance of order, though his dignity was still in short supply. He brewed a strong cup of coffee (spiked, of course) and sat down to reflect on his choices. The gnome life wasn’t easy—living in the woods, dealing with tourists taking selfies, and now, apparently, fending off wild elf parties. But as Gary sat there, watching the snow fall softly outside, he felt a grudging sense of pride. Sure, he’d made some questionable decisions. Yes, he’d probably be on Prancer’s blacklist for a while. But wasn’t that what the holidays were about? Joy, laughter, and the occasional peppermint schnapps bender? The Resolution Gary raised his mug in a toast to himself. “Here’s to another year of festive chaos,” he declared, ignoring the fact that he was still wearing a candy cane stuck in his beard. “Next year, I’ll double the rum.” As the gnome settled in for a well-deserved nap, a faint knock came at the door. He opened it to find a reindeer, looking unamused, holding a note in its mouth. It read, “Prancer is not amused. Expect coal.” Gary sighed, grabbed a bottle of schnapps, and muttered, “Well, coal makes for great barbecues.” And with that, he shut the door on Christmas and vowed to survive the New Year.     Shop the Look Bring the festive charm of "Lantern Light and Holly Delight" into your home with these featured products: Tapestry Canvas Print Throw Pillow Tote Bag Deck your halls with these festive delights and keep the holiday spirit alive all year long!

by Bill Tiepelman

The Starbearer of Holiday Joy

The Legend of the Starbearer In the heart of the winter solstice, when the nights were long and the world seemed cloaked in an endless blanket of snow, there lived a peculiar gnome known as Jorvick Starbearer. Jorvick wasn’t your average gnome tending to gardens or tinkering with mushrooms; he was the guardian of joy, the keeper of laughter, and the deliverer of light to even the darkest corners of the land. But his tale is not all sparkling cheer. It begins, as most good tales do, with a terrible mistake. A Gnome with an Unlikely Destiny Jorvick hadn’t always been destined for greatness. In fact, for much of his life, he was what his peers referred to as a “decorator gnome.” While others busied themselves crafting tools or herding forest animals, Jorvick spent his time obsessively embroidering his robes and polishing his oversized star-topped staff. “The village doesn’t need fancy hats, Jorvick!” his elder once barked. “We need firewood!” But Jorvick had always believed that a touch of beauty could warm the soul more than fire ever could. One fateful winter, however, things took a turn. As the village prepared for their annual Festival of Lights, a tradition meant to stave off the dreaded spirits of gloom, Jorvick accidentally knocked the ceremonial torch into the river. The flame was extinguished, and with it, so was the village’s hope. Without the light, they believed the spirits would descend, bringing misery and endless winter. “This is it,” Jorvick muttered, watching the villagers glare at him in horror. “They’re going to make me herd squirrels for eternity.” But instead of banishing him, the village elder handed him a small, unlit lantern. “If you think beauty can save us,” the elder said with a smirk, “then you will find the light to reignite our hope.” The Quest for the Light With little more than his elaborately embroidered coat, his beloved hat, and the golden staff he’d carved from an old tree, Jorvick trudged into the night. He didn’t have a plan, but he knew one thing: if he didn’t find the light, the village—and his reputation—was doomed. As he wandered through the forest, the snow falling thicker and thicker, Jorvick began to hear whispers. They weren’t the friendly kind of whispers, either. These were the Gloom Sprites, mischief-makers who fed on doubt and despair. “You’ll never find it, you ridiculous little gnome!” one hissed. “Your fancy coat won’t save you now!” Jorvick, to his credit, was far too stubborn to be intimidated by a voice that couldn’t even bother to show itself. “Oh, hush,” he said, waving his staff as though shooing away flies. “I’m on a mission, and frankly, you’re distracting me.” After hours of wandering, he stumbled into a clearing where an enormous pine tree stood. Its branches sparkled with frost, and at its tip was a single, glowing star. It was unlike anything Jorvick had ever seen—brighter than fire, warmer than sunlight, and pulsing with an energy that seemed to hum with laughter. “That’ll do,” Jorvick whispered, adjusting his hat. A Very Gnomish Solution The star, however, had no intention of being taken. As Jorvick climbed the tree, it began to taunt him. “You, a gnome, think you’re worthy of my light?” it scoffed. “You couldn’t even keep a torch lit!” “Listen here, you luminous ornament,” Jorvick grunted, slipping on a branch. “I’ve had a long night, and frankly, I’m not leaving without you. So, we can do this the easy way, or the gnome way.” “The gnome way?” the star asked, intrigued. “The gnome way,” Jorvick said, smiling. “It involves embroidery and stubbornness.” Somehow, his absurd confidence amused the star. “Fine,” it said, “but only if you promise to share my light with more than just your village. The world could use a bit of joy, don’t you think?” “Deal,” Jorvick said, wrapping the star in his coat like a precious jewel. The Birth of a Tradition When Jorvick returned to the village, the star’s light illuminated the entire valley, melting snow and banishing the Gloom Sprites. The villagers cheered, but Jorvick wasn’t done. He placed the star atop the tallest pine tree, declaring that its light belonged to everyone. “Beauty,” he said, “is a fire that no river can quench.” From that day on, Jorvick became known as the Starbearer, a gnome whose legacy wasn’t one of tools or firewood but of joy, laughter, and the belief that even the smallest among us can bring light to the darkest places. And so, every winter, when the nights grow long, people decorate their trees with stars, not to keep the spirits away but to remind themselves of a stubborn little gnome who proved that a touch of beauty and a pinch of humor could save the world. The End... or the Beginning? And if you’re ever wandering in the woods on a snowy night, don’t be surprised if you hear the faint jingling of a gnome’s hat or catch a glimpse of a glowing star. After all, Jorvick is still out there, reminding everyone that even in the coldest winters, joy is never out of reach.    Bring the Starbearer Home Inspired by the whimsical tale of Jorvick Starbearer, you can bring the magic and joy of this festive gnome into your own home. Explore our collection of exclusive products featuring "The Starbearer of Holiday Joy" to add a touch of holiday enchantment to your space: Tapestry – Perfect for creating a warm and festive backdrop in your home. Canvas Print – A timeless piece of art to showcase the magic of the Starbearer. Puzzle – Bring the family together with this delightful holiday activity. Greeting Card – Share the joy with loved ones through this beautifully illustrated card. Each product is thoughtfully designed to capture the spirit of Jorvick's tale, spreading light, laughter, and a bit of festive mischief wherever they go. Explore the full collection here.