by Bill Tiepelman
Whiskers at the Witching Window
The Familiar's Complaint βIf one more squirrel insults me from the holly bush, I swear to Bast Iβll torch the tree.β The orange tabby was muttering again. His nameβthough few dared use it aloudβwas Bartholomew R.J. Whiskerstein, Esquire. He was the third Familiar to serve at No. 13 Embercurl Lane, a mystical townhouse wedged between dimensions, where the mail arrived only when Mercury was in retrograde and the curtains had a mind of their own. Bartholomewβs ears twitched as he sat perched on the ledge of the violet-paned window. Beneath him bloomed a plush carpet of enchanted lavender that hissed faintly if plucked without permission. Behind him, thick velvet curtains danced without breezeβtracing glowing sigils in the air like lazy lightning bugs scribbling curses in cursive. Inside the townhouse, chaos hummed in that pleasant, distant way only mild sorcery can. There was the sound of a teapot making demands. A stack of grimoire pages trying to unionize. And, somewhere in the study, the soft weeping of a sentient lamp contemplating its existence. Bartholomew ignored all of this. Because Bartholomew had a job. A highly specific job. A job that came with perks (a bottomless dish of roasted chicken hearts) and perils (being regularly used as a scrying lens by a witch who still hadnβt mastered βconsentβ). He was the Official Perimeter Watcher, Guardian of Thresholds, andβunofficiallyβthe only housemate with the balls to tell Madam Zephira that her black lace corsets were clashing with her aura again. Tonight, however, the swirls in the stucco glowed brighter than usual. Their fractal curls pulsed like molten gold veins across the obsidian walls, marking the hour as not quite midnight and definitely up to something. And Bartholomew, with his one crooked whisker and eyes the color of guilty marmalade, knew the signs. Someone was coming. And not the kind who wore boots or knocked politely or brought salmon. Someone uninvited. With a tail twitch of annoyance and a small sneeze into the lavender blooms (they smelled amazing but were absolute bastards to his sinuses), Bartholomew straightened his spine, narrowed his gaze, and did what any respectable magical creature would do in his position. He farted dramatically, just to establish dominance. The wall beside him hissed in response. βOh please,β he purred into the growing glow. βIf youβre here to devour souls, at least bring a snack.β Zephira, Doomscrolling, and the Visitor from the Slant Madam Zephira Marrowvale was elbow-deep in her spellbook, though not for anything productive. She was doomscrolling. To be fair, the grimoire had recently updated its interface, and now it mimicked the layout of a social media feedβan unfortunate side effect of Zephiraβs habit of whispering her thoughts to her mirror while the Wi-Fi was unstable. As such, instead of recipes for lunar elixirs or hexes for passive-aggressive neighbors, the leather-bound tome now served up endless gossip from disembodied witches across the astral plane. βUgh,β Zephira groaned. βAnother thirst trap from Hagatha Moonbroom. Thatβs the third this week. No one needs to see that much thigh from a lich.β Bartholomew, having returned from his window post only to find his warning hisses entirely ignored, slunk into the main room, tail held at a judgmental tilt. βYou do realize,β he said with that slow, deliberate tone cats use when they know youβre not paying attention, βthat thereβs a potential rift forming in the wall?β Zephira didnβt look up. βIs it the laundry wall or the library wall?β βThe front wall.β βOh.β She blinked. βThatβs... more important, isnβt it?β βOnly if you enjoy the concept of interior dimensions staying on the inside,β Bartholomew replied, now licking one paw in a manner that suggested this was all terribly beneath him. With a sigh and a dramatic flourish, Zephira stood up, her long coat rustling like parchment paper dipped in attitude. The air around her shimmered with leftover magic: sparkles, ash, and the faint smell of peppermint schnapps. She stomped toward the window where Bartholomew had resumed his watch, this time sitting like a disappointed statue made entirely of orange velvet. Outside, the night was beginning to change. Not just darkenβbut change. The swirling glow around the window had thickened, threads of molten amber knotting and curving like someone had spilled calligraphy ink into firelight and pressed it to the walls of reality. Thenβsomething knocked. Or maybe it burped. Or maybe the universe coughed up a hairball. Either way, the sound was wrong. βThatβs not good,β Zephira whispered, suddenly sober. βThatβs... from the Slant.β Bartholomewβs ears flattened. The Slant was a bad neighborhood between planes. It was where lost socks went. Where contracts rewrote themselves. Where things that werenβt supposed to feel shame hung out just to enjoy the sensation. No one invited guests from the Slant. Mostly because if you could invite them, it meant you were already partly one of them. The knock-burp-hiccup came again. βDo you think itβs after you or me?β Zephira asked, half-hoping it would be Bartholomew. He was, after all, technically immortal and less emotionally fragile. βNeither,β he said, fur bristling. βItβs here for the window.β βWhy the hell would anyone come for a window?β βBecause,β Bartholomew said, leaping down into a stretch that made every vertebrae in his body crackle like a haunted fireplace, βthis particular window is a passage. A junction between realms. A former portal to the Celestial DMV. You really should keep better notes.β Zephiraβs mouth fell open. βI thought this window had weird feng shui.β Before either of them could speak again, the glass began to bend inwardβnot break, not shatterβbend, like it was made of smoke or jelly or poorly explained plot devices. The lavender beneath the sill rustled and puffed in protest, releasing sparkles and spores that smelled strongly of sassafras and minor regret. From the swirling gold, a face emerged. Not a full face. Just... parts. An eye here, a suggestion of a grin there. Andβstrangest of allβa monocle made of static electricity. It was a face both beautiful and terrible, like a Greek god who also did your taxes and wasnβt happy about your deductions. βHOUSE OCCUPANTS,β the entity intoned, its voice vibrating the curtains into curls. Bartholomew leapt back onto the sill and squared his shoulders. βWhat in the unholy name of wet kibble do you want?β The face pulsed, amused. βI AM THE INSPECTOR OF INTERPLANE THRESHOLDS. THIS UNITββ βThis house, darling,β Zephira corrected, arms crossed. ββTHIS UNIT IS IN VIOLATION OF CODE 776-B: UNSANCTIONED ENCHANTMENT OF ARCHITECTURAL OPENINGS.β Zephira raised an eyebrow. βSo youβre telling me I have a... magical zoning issue?β Bartholomew hissed. βHeβs here to repo the window.β The entity blinked. βYES.β For a moment, no one spoke. Then Zephira reached down, plucked Bartholomew off the sill, and cradled him like a particularly judgmental baguette. βListen here, Spectral Bureaucrat,β she said, raising her chin, βthis window is original to the house. Hand-framed by a sentient carpenter who charged us in riddles. Itβs mine. Mine!β The inspector swirled ominously, then paused. βHAVE YOU FILED FORM 13-WHISKER?β Zephira blinked. β...Thereβs a form?β Bartholomew groaned. βOf course thereβs a form.β The face began to phase back into the wall. βI SHALL RETURN AT MOONRISE TO SEIZE THE STRUCTURAL COMPONENT UNLESS PROPER PAPERWORK IS PRODUCED. PREFERABLY WITH A NOTARYβS SIGIL AND A RUNE OF COMPLIANCE.β Thenβpoof. Gone. Only a light sprinkle of bureaucracy sparkles remained in the air, which smelled like cinnamon and mild passive aggression. Zephira looked down at Bartholomew. βWell... now what?β βNow?β he said, wriggling out of her arms. βNow we commit minor fraud and probably summon your cousin from the Ministry of Misfiled Souls.β βUgh. Thistle? She still owes me twenty moons and a jar of pickled griffin toes.β βThen I suggest you bring snacks,β Bartholomew said, already walking away. βAnd donβt wear the lace. It makes your aura look bloated.β Loopholes, Lavender, and Larceny The clock struck something. Probably not midnight, because this particular clock refused to engage with time in a linear fashion. It preferred vibes. Tonight, it struck βtense-but-optimistic,β which was either promising or deeply concerning. Bartholomew was back at the window, tail twitching like a metronome set to sarcasm. The lavender beneath him had sprouted extra blossoms during the argument with the inspector, clearly energized by the conflict. They whispered quietly to themselves about how juicy everything was getting. Inside the house, Zephira was hunched over a cluttered desk, surrounded by scrolls, spell-stamped forms, and at least two empty wine bottles (one real, one conjured). Sheβd summoned her cousin Thistle for help, which was like hiring a tax attorney who specialized in interpretive dance. βYou donβt file the 13-Whisker form,β Thistle was explaining, twirling a quill that occasionally bit her fingers. βYou embed it into a sub-layer of your homeβs aura, with a notarized dream. Honestly, Zeph, everyone knows that.β βEveryone?β Zephira asked, face planted in a stack of parchment. βYou mean everyone who majored in Arcane Bureaucracy and enjoys licking stamps made of beetle shells?β Thistle shrugged, looking very pleased with herself in a cardigan made of disappointment and sequins. βI got mine done during a blackout after a cursed fondue party. Youβve had years.β Bartholomew, overhearing this, let out a sound that was somewhere between a meow and a groan. βYou two do realize the Inspectorβs coming back tonight, right? Iβm not in the mood to explain to the dimensional authorities why a ginger tabby is living inside a legally extradimensional portal with noncompliant trim.β Zephira stood up, eyes glowing faintly with a mix of hope and sleep deprivation. βWe have one chance. If we can disguise the windowβs threshold signatureβjust until the next lunar quarterβwe can delay the repossession. Thistle, get the dreamcatcher chalk. Bart, start projecting non-threatening thoughtforms. I need plausible deniability on the astral field.β βExcuse you,β Bartholomew sniffed. βIβve been projecting non-threatening thoughtforms since I was neutered.β The house groaned in agreement, shifting its weight as spells realigned themselves. The curtains flattened. The furniture arranged itself into Feng Shui legal compliance. The dishes washed themselves in a frenzy of sudsy paranoia. Just as the finishing rune was inscribed around the window frameβusing chalk blessed by three caffeine-addled dreamwalkers and one heavily sedated owlβthe wall glowed again. He was back. The Inspector oozed into existence like molasses with a law degree. βOCCUPANTS,β it bellowed, less intense this time. βI RETURN FORββ βHold it,β Zephira interrupted, stepping forward like a woman who had absolutely not just spilled gin on an ancient document of exemption. βPlease review Form 13-WHISKER, Subsection D, filed under the Implied Entanglement Clause, certified via mnemonic binding and signed by my Familiarβs third eyelash.β She held up a glittering sigil embossed into a strip of lavender parchment that reeked of legitimacy. Mostly because it was actually a forged wedding license from a dryad and a toaster, re-enchanted by Thistle with mild deception runes and a scent of βforest confidence.β The Inspector pulsed. Blinked. Spun slowly. βTHIS... DOES APPEAR TO BE... ACCEPTABLE.β βThen kindly sod off into your dimensionβs nearest cubicle farm,β Bartholomew purred, eyes half-lidded. βBefore we file a Form 99-B for harassment under Rule of Familiar Dignity.β The Inspector paused. βTHOSE STILL EXIST?β βThey do if youβve got a cousin in the Ministry,β Thistle said sweetly, batting her eyes and sipping something from a mug that steamed in Morse code. The glow faded. The swirling tendrils dimmed. The monocle flickered, sighed, and finally vanished like a disappointed dad at a community theatre recital. The Inspector was gone. Zephira slumped against the wall, lavender chalk crumbling in her fist. βWe did it.β βWe barely did it,β Bartholomew corrected, stretching luxuriously. βYou owe me an entire week of scrying-free naps and the good sardines.β βDone,β Zephira said, kissing his furry forehead. βAnd no corsets for at least a lunar cycle.β βBlessed be,β Thistle whispered, throwing a little confetti made of shredded legal scrolls into the air. Outside, the window returned to its quiet glow. The lavender purred. The swirls of gold settled into elegant curves againβless frantic now, more decorative. Like they were proud of themselves. Like they, too, were in on the joke. Bartholomew returned to his perch, curling up with a satisfied grunt. He blinked once at the stars. βLet βem try,β he muttered. βThis house is defended by sarcasm and sleep deprivation. Weβll never be conquered.β And as the first rays of false dawn peeked through the enchanted sky, the cat on the sill sleptβdreaming, no doubt, of squirrels who finally shut their damn mouths. Β Β Take a Little Magic Home If you felt the curl of mystery or heard the whisper of lavender while reading Whiskers at the Witching Window, youβre not alone. Now you can bring a piece of Bartholomewβs world into your own with a selection of enchanted keepsakes featuring this very scene. Cozy up with the fleece blanket for a nap worthy of a Familiar, or rest your dreams beneath the swirling gold with our duvet cover. Need a bit of sass on the go? The tote bag has your backβwhether you're transporting spell ingredients or snacks. And for those seeking a bold statement of aesthetic rebellion, the framed art print is a portal unto itself, ready to hang in any room that dares to flirt with the arcane. Each item is available exclusively at shop.unfocussed.com, where fantasy meets home decor in purring, glowing, ginger-furred defiance.