par Bill Tiepelman
Corona and Companions
The Suds Before the Storm It all began on a Tuesday, which was problematic, because Mortimer the Gnome had promised himself he’d stay sober at least until Wednesday. But Tuesday had other plans. Specifically, the kind of plans that involved a case of Corona, a slightly moldy wedge of lime, and a lab puppy named Tater Tot with the attention span of a goldfish on caffeine. Mortimer had once been a proud garden gnome. You know the type — stoic, cheerful, always pointing at invisible butterflies. But those days were long gone, buried under layers of mulch and emotional trauma from one too many weed whacker incidents. After faking his own lawn-mower-related death and fleeing suburbia, he now lived behind a condemned Taco Bell, which he called “La Casita de Chillin’.” “#CHILLIN’” read the tank top he hadn’t washed since Cinco de Mayo 2011. The hashtag had faded, but the attitude had fermented like the warm bottle he now cradled like a newborn. Next to him sat his ride-or-die, Tater Tot, the golden retriever pup with a passion for limes and absolutely no sense of personal boundaries. “You bring daddy another lime, you little citrus gremlin?” Mortimer slurred with affection, sloshing beer onto his lap for the fifth time. Tater Tot dropped the wedge in his lap like a proud sommelier. Mortimer, of course, missed his mouth entirely and shoved the lime dramatically into his left nostril. It was that kind of day. Somewhere between the sixth bottle and a very confused conversation with a spider named Cheryl, Mortimer began outlining his master plan to create the world’s first Gnome-Pup Influencer Duo. “We’ll call it Gnome & Tots,” he hiccuped. “Merch. TikToks. An NFT of your butt. We’ll be legends, Tater.” Tater Tot blinked. Then burped. The room smelled of lime zest and regret. But before Mortimer could draft a business plan on the back of a stale tortilla, a shadow darkened the cracked stucco wall behind him. A tall figure loomed, carrying something that sloshed ominously. Mortimer’s bloodshot eyes squinted upward. “Well, well,” said the voice, laced with menace and mild nasal congestion. “If it isn’t the lawn gnome who stiffed me three beer runs ago.” Mortimer's mustache twitched. “Clarence?” Clarence. The garden flamingo Mortimer once left at a truck stop in Yuma. Back. Angry. With a handle of tequila and vengeance in his tiny plastic heart. The lime slipped from Mortimer’s nose and landed with a plop in his bottle. “Tater,” he whispered, rising slowly, “fetch me… the emergency sombrero.” Flamingo Vengeance and the Lime Wars of ’25 Tater Tot leapt into action, skidding across the sticky floor like a four-legged Roomba with a mission. From behind a half-eaten churro and an empty salsa jar, he retrieved Mortimer’s prized Emergency Sombrero — a battered, oversized hat covered in glitter, nacho cheese stains, and three rusted bottle openers sewn onto the brim like medals of war. “Good boy,” Mortimer wheezed, slapping the sombrero onto his head with the dramatic flair of a man who'd seen too many telenovelas and too few therapy sessions. Clarence took a step forward. His hot pink plastic legs creaked with rage. “You left me, Morty. In the Arizona sun. Melting. Watching truckers eat gas station burritos and contemplate their ex-wives.” “You said you needed space!” Mortimer protested, using the lime in his Corona like a stress ball. “I said I needed sunscreen!” Before the confrontation could devolve into sobbing and flamingo-on-gnome violence, a bottle rolled across the floor — unopened, full, cold. The room fell silent. Clarence blinked. “Is that... is that a chilled Modelo?” “It’s yours if you sit your feathery ass down and chill the hell out,” Mortimer said, voice gravelly and noble, like a drunk Clint Eastwood doing a beer commercial. Clarence hesitated. His beady eyes narrowed. Then, slowly, he tucked his tequila bottle under his wing and flopped his flamingo self onto the cushion of a crusty beanbag chair, sighing like a diva finally given her spotlight. Tater Tot, now donning a mini-sombrero of his own (don’t ask where he got it), pranced over and flopped beside him. Peace was restored. But not for long. Three raccoons burst in through the broken window like tiny furry ninjas, all wearing bandanas and reeking of fermented fruit. “Where’s the tequila, Clarence?” the leader squeaked, claws twitching. “We’re out of lime!” another raccoon wailed, noticing the dog with the last wedge. Tater growled softly, tucking his citrus treasure beneath his paw like a dragon guarding a hoard. “No one’s takin’ my pup’s lime!” Mortimer bellowed, rising unsteadily and brandishing a broken flip-flop like a katana. The room erupted. Raccoons shrieked. Clarence screamed. Tater barked like a drunk pirate. The beanbag chair exploded under the stress of flamingo weight. A wrestling match broke out involving three shot glasses, two beers, and someone yelling “AY CARAMBA!” from the alley. After 18 minutes of chaos and two calls to the local churro stand for backup, the brawl ended with everyone passed out in a tangled heap. Mortimer lay snoring on top of Clarence, Tater Tot curled up on a pile of limes like a citrus-scented loaf of bread. One raccoon was using a Corona bottle as a pillow, another wore Mortimer’s tank top as a cape. The third was inexplicably cuddling a garden gnome figurine and whispering “Forgive me, Papa.” The sun rose gently the next day over “La Casita de Chillin’.” Birds chirped. A mariachi ringtone echoed from under a pile of tacos. Mortimer stirred, blinking one crusty eye. “Tater,” he rasped. “Did we… win?” Tater burped in response, the unmistakable scent of lime zest and low-stakes victory wafting through the room. Clarence opened one eye. “I think I peed in your beer.” Mortimer considered this for a long moment, then shrugged. “Adds character.” And thus, the legend of the Great Lime Wars of ‘25 was born. They never did become influencers. But they did get banned from three liquor stores and somehow ended up on a T-shirt sold exclusively at gas stations in New Mexico. As for the sombrero? It now sits atop a barbed-wire fence, flapping nobly in the breeze, watching over drunkards, dogs, and vengeance-seeking flamingos everywhere. #Chillin', forevermore. If the lime-loving chaos of "Corona and Companions" made you snort-laugh, cry tequila tears, or just deeply relate to a gnome in a crusty tank top, you can snag a piece of this legendary mess for yourself. Whether you're decking out your bar with a metal print, puzzling through your poor life choices with a hilarious jigsaw puzzle, or just need a sticker to slap on your cooler that says “I, too, once fought off lime-thirsty raccoons,” we’ve got you covered. Send gnome-themed greetings to your weirdest friend with a greeting card, or class up your bathroom (questionably) with a rustic wood print. Mortimer would be proud. Tater Tot would wag. And Clarence? He'd demand royalties.
