by Bill Tiepelman
The Grumpy Griffin Hatchling
A Face Only a Mother Could Slap Barnaby knew he had made a mistake the moment the egg cracked open. He had expected something majestic—perhaps a regal beast that would soar the skies and guard his treasure hoard. What he got instead was a fistful of pissed-off fluff with the attitude of a bar bouncer who just got stiffed on a tip. The tiny griffin glared up at him with an expression that said, "I already hate you, and I’ve only been alive for twelve seconds." Its golden feathers bristled, its curled tail flicked like an irritated cat’s, and its beady little eyes burned with the fiery rage of an overcooked omelet. "Well, aren’t you just the embodiment of sunshine and rainbows," Barnaby muttered, rubbing his temples. The griffin let out a sound—part squawk, part growl, part tax audit notice. Then it immediately turned, lifted its tiny lion-esque rear, and shat on his boots. "Oh, for fu—" Barnaby grabbed an old towel, cursing whatever gods had let him hatch this grumpy abomination. He had paid a shady wizard a fortune for a 'Rare & Exotic Mystic Guardian.' Instead, he got a sentient middle finger wrapped in fur and feathers. A Starving, Screeching Nightmare Day two was somehow worse. As soon as the sun rose, so did the hellspawn, screeching with the desperate hunger of a drunken noble who just realized his servants forgot to restock the wine cellar. Barnaby tried raw meat. The griffin sniffed it and kicked it away like a snobby food critic. “Alright, asshole. What do you want?” he groaned. The griffin stared at him with all the warmth of a tax collector. Then, in a move that should not have been possible for something so tiny, it pounced—sinking its baby talons into his arm. “GAH! What the hell?! You little—” The creature didn’t bite. Instead, it glared at him harder. And then, with painstakingly slow effort, it reached over, grabbed the hunk of meat it had just rejected, and took a delicate, smug little nibble. "Oh, so you just wanted to establish dominance first, huh? Great. I’m raising a tiny warlord." The griffin made a chirping sound that almost sounded like laughter. Destroyer of Sleep, Devourer of Sanity By the end of the first week, Barnaby had reached new levels of exhaustion. The griffin, whom he had begrudgingly started calling "Bastard" because that’s what he shouted most often, had two hobbies: Judging him from atop furniture he had no business climbing. Waking him up every two hours with a scream that could curdle milk. It was like raising a demonic toddler with wings. Every time Barnaby thought he had a moment of peace, Bastard would knock something over, screech at nothing, or—on particularly annoying days—stare at the wall for hours, making Barnaby increasingly paranoid that he was about to be murdered by an invisible entity. And yet… the little bastard was kind of adorable. In an “I-hate-you-but-would-also-kill-anyone-who-hurt-you” kind of way. But there was no way in hell Barnaby was ready for what came next. The Tiny Terror Ascends Barnaby had survived bandits, bounty hunters, and one particularly bad case of dragon-induced food poisoning, but nothing had prepared him for the absolute nightmare that was a griffin experiencing its first wing growth spurt. “I swear to the gods, Bastard, if you knock over one more—” CRASH. “—thing.” Bastard sat on the floor, staring blankly at the shattered remains of a priceless vase. His golden wings, still awkward and too big for his tiny frame, twitched in what could only be described as absolute lack of remorse. Barnaby pinched the bridge of his nose. “That was an antique.” The griffin blinked. Then, in a deliberate move that was clearly designed to ruin his entire week, it stood up, strutted over to another vase, and swiped it off the table while maintaining direct eye contact. Barnaby let out a long, defeated sigh. He was never going to financially recover from this. Attempted Flight, Attempted Murder It was inevitable that Bastard would eventually try to fly. And, much like every other moment of his short existence, he approached it with a mix of arrogance and homicidal intent. The first attempt was harmless enough—mostly flapping, a lot of screeching, and a dramatic faceplant into Barnaby’s laundry pile. The second attempt, however, involved launching himself off the bookshelf while Barnaby was in the middle of breakfast. There was no warning. No chirp, no squawk, no malicious glint in his eye. Just *WHUMP*—a sudden impact as an entire griffin hatchling landed on Barnaby’s face. His chair tipped over. His breakfast flew across the room. His life flashed before his eyes. “YOU FEATHERED DEMON,” he bellowed, flailing wildly as Bastard flapped like a panicked bat and promptly got tangled in his hair. It took several minutes, a lot of screaming, and one overturned table before the two of them emerged from the disaster, panting and covered in food. Bastard, as usual, looked completely unbothered. “I hope you choke on your own smugness,” Barnaby grumbled. The griffin chirped, pecked at a bit of egg in Barnaby’s beard, and then strutted away like he hadn’t just committed attempted manslaughter via dive bomb. Mutual Loathing, Mutual Loyalty Weeks passed. Bastard grew bigger. More graceful. Slightly less inclined to wake Barnaby up at ungodly hours. He still judged him constantly, still acted like an entitled little prince, but somewhere between the destruction, the screaming, and the minor injuries, a grudging respect had formed. Barnaby had once thought about selling him back to that shady wizard, but the moment some idiot tried to mug him in the alley, Bastard had detached a man’s ear in under four seconds. After that, Barnaby figured… maybe the little hellspawn wasn’t so bad. Maybe. One evening, as Barnaby sat by the fire nursing a well-earned ale, Bastard flapped up onto his shoulder. He weighed a lot more now, and his talons dug into his skin, but Barnaby was too tired to care. The griffin let out a low, contented chirp and—perhaps for the first time ever—nuzzled his cheek. Barnaby narrowed his eyes. “If you puke on me, I swear—” But Bastard just curled his tail around Barnaby’s neck and dozed off, golden wings twitching as he fell into sleep. Barnaby exhaled, took another sip of ale, and grumbled, “Fine. But you’re still a little shit.” Somewhere in the realm of sleep, Bastard chirped in agreement. Take Home Your Own Little Bastard Love Bastard but not quite ready for the whole ‘raising a chaotic griffin’ experience? Good news—you can still enjoy his grumpy little face without dealing with the destruction! Check out these glorious ways to bring The Grumpy Griffin Hatchling into your home: Need a statement piece that silently judges your life choices? Get a Canvas Print. Want your space to exude the energy of a tiny, furious guardian? Snag a Tapestry. Feel like your couch is too peaceful? Add some attitude with a Throw Pillow. Want to carry around a piece of griffin-fueled chaos? Grab a Tote Bag—perfect for storing snacks, spellbooks, or questionable life decisions. Unlike the real Bastard, these versions won’t destroy your furniture, scream at ungodly hours, or attempt aerial assassinations. Probably.
