clown call

by Bill Tiepelman

The Floral Jester's Solitude

Once upon a time—because everything always seems to start with “Once upon a time” and I’m not about to break tradition—there was a clown. And not the fun kind either. No balloons, no honking noses, just one seriously depressed jester sitting in a chair that looked like it was stolen from a 1950s grandmother’s house. You know, the kind with way too many flowers and that questionable smell of lavender and... regret. The clown, whose name was probably something ridiculous like “Bingo” or “Sparkles,” sat there for days. Or maybe it was years. It’s hard to tell when your only companions are flowers that smell better than you and shoes that are two sizes too big. He wasn’t quite sure how he ended up in this floral prison, but he had a feeling it involved one too many tequila shots and a dare gone horribly wrong. Clowns, after all, weren’t known for their life choices. As Sparkles (we’re just going to call him that) slumped deeper into the overstuffed armchair—like a sad sack of potatoes in a velvet tracksuit—he sighed. Not a cute little sigh either. It was more like the kind of sound you make when you realize your credit card bill is due, and you’ve been buying “self-care” items from online influencers for three weeks straight. Yup, Sparkles was tired. And not just “I need a nap” tired—no, he was bone-weary, soul-crushing, existential-crisis tired. The kind that comes from a life of painted smiles and pratfalls, all while your internal monologue is screaming “Why do I even bother?” The flowers didn’t help. They were too bright, too cheerful, like those people who always tell you to “look on the bright side.” If Sparkles had a dollar for every time someone said that to him, he wouldn’t be sitting in this hideous chair. He’d be in a mansion somewhere, probably still miserable, but at least he’d have good Wi-Fi. He looked at the petals around him, blooming with obnoxious, vibrant joy, and wondered if they were mocking him. If flowers could laugh, these ones would sound like a bad laugh track from a 90s sitcom. “Oh look at you, Sparkles,” they seemed to whisper, “sitting there all mopey while we’re out here thriving. Pathetic.” But it wasn’t his fault. He tried, okay? He tried the whole 'happy clown' thing, but it turns out there’s only so much glitter and red nose-wearing a person can do before the crushing weight of absurdity sets in. And now? Well, now he was just a weird guy with face paint, sitting alone in a chair that screamed “I’ve given up” louder than his last relationship did. The flowers weren’t the only weird thing though. There was a strange smell. It wasn't coming from him—though let's be honest, he wasn't exactly fresh. No, this smell was more... floral? But also kind of like old socks? The kind you find in the bottom of your gym bag that have been there since the last time you actually exercised—which was, let’s face it, 2017. Sparkles wrinkled his nose and glanced around. Maybe it was the chair? Had the chair always smelled like that? It had definitely seen some things. He was pretty sure if it could talk, it would tell stories that would make him blush. And he was a clown. Blushing was practically part of the uniform. One of the flowers—a particularly smug-looking rose—swayed gently as if to say, “What, you thought this was going to get better? Honey, you’re a clown in a floral chair. Just embrace the weirdness.” And honestly, that was solid advice. Sparkles took a deep breath, or at least as deep as you can when you’re wearing pants made of satin that squeak every time you move. He decided then and there to stop caring. If the flowers wanted to mock him, fine. If his shoes were too big, whatever. If he was sitting in what looked like the living room of a retired circus performer who had an unhealthy obsession with floral patterns, so be it. He was Sparkles, dammit, and if this was his life now, he was going to make the most of it. He reached down, grabbing one of the overgrown dahlias next to him. “Hey,” he muttered to it, “you’re coming with me.” The flower didn’t resist (because, let’s be real, it was a flower). He placed it in the pocket of his garish jacket, giving himself a little flair. If he was going to be a sad clown in a ridiculous chair, at least he could accessorize. And that was that. Sparkles, now with a newfound sense of defiant apathy, sat back, crossed his oversized feet, and stared off into the middle distance, waiting for whatever came next. Probably more flowers. Or maybe a nap. Either way, he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. The chair had claimed him, and honestly, he was okay with that. After all, it wasn’t the worst thing that had happened to him. That honor went to the time he tried to juggle chainsaws at a bachelorette party. But that’s a story for another day.     The Ballad of Sparkles the Clown Oh Sparkles the clown, in his floral despair, Sits slumped in a chair that smells worse than the air. His shoes are too big, his life’s a sad joke, And his satin pants squeak every time that he spoke. “What the hell happened? Where did it go wrong?” He wonders while tugging his pant leg along. Was it the booze? The tequila? The shots? Or that one time with chainsaws? (He forgets lots). “The flowers are smug,” Sparkles whispers with spite, “They mock me, they taunt me, with colors so bright.” Those roses, those dahlias, those blooms full of cheer, He glared at them all with a cynical sneer. “Oh sure, you look happy, so plump and so lush,” But you don’t know crap about being a mush!” He pulled at his ruffles, adjusted his nose, And mumbled some insults at the damned happy rose. His hair was like cotton, his smile was a mess, But Sparkles the clown was done caring, I guess. He’d given up hope, tossed it all to the wind, And sat there like laundry no one bothered to spin. “Screw it,” he said, with a chuckle and snort, “I’m a clown in a chair. What more can I court?” He crossed his fat feet, leaned back with a shrug, And whispered, “Life’s short. Let’s all just say... 'bug!'” So Sparkles stayed put, in his floral cocoon, A clown in the corner, humming some tune. If you find him someday, don’t ask him what’s wrong— He’s busy not caring. (And the flowers? Still strong.)     Feeling inspired by Sparkles' floral-infused existential crisis? Or maybe you just need something to brighten up your home that screams “I’ve given up, but make it fashion”? Either way, you can bring a bit of that quirky clown energy into your life. Check out throw pillows that will cushion your own self-loathing, or grab a fleece blanket to wrap yourself in while you ponder your poor life choices. If you’re more of the artsy type (and let’s face it, aren’t we all pretending to be?), hang a wood print of Sparkles on your wall and let him judge you from the corner of the room. And for those who really want to take the clown on the go, there’s even a stylish tote bag—because nothing says 'I'm over it' like carrying your groceries with a sad clown by your side. Shop now and embrace the weirdness!