by Bill Tiepelman
The Ember-Eyed Wanderer
Of Hoodies and Horns The forest of Merribark was not on any map, mostly because the cartographers who found it never made it out again—distracted by the intoxicating scent of maple-sugar moss and the unsolicited life advice given by the ferns. Some claimed the trees whispered gossip about local wildlife. Others said the squirrels held tiny séances and debated philosophy. But none of these eccentricities compared to the real enigma of Merribark: the ember-eyed creature in the hoodie. He had no name—or rather, he had so many that he simply shrugged when asked. The owls called him "Snugglehorn." The chipmunks used “The Fuzzy Prophet.” The humans, few and flustered as they were, referred to him only as "Oh My God What Is That—It’s So Cute—AAAAAH." He just went with “Wanderer,” which sounded mysterious and chic. Our Wanderer had the vibe of a creature that drank oat milk lattes, listened to forest lo-fi, and probably had an Etsy shop for enchanted pinecones. With plush white fur, oversized ears blushing with warmth, and twin antelope-like horns peeking through a shaggy mop of fluff, he was the kind of creature you'd want to cuddle, unless you disliked unsolicited sarcasm from woodland beings. Today, like many other days, he sat cross-legged on his favorite log wearing his mustard-toned hoodie—too big, slightly frayed, and enchanted to always smell like cinnamon rolls. Leaves drifted lazily down around him, performing aerial ballet. He watched them fall with an expression that suggested deep contemplation, though in truth, he was just wondering if it was too early for second breakfast. “You’re philosophizing again, aren’t you?” came a voice from the ferns, brittle and judgmental. It was Twiggy, a very sharp-tongued hedgehog with bangs and a dramatic sigh. She emerged with all the flair of a diva suffering a wardrobe malfunction, dragging a mini handbag made from acorn caps and sass. “Only about bread, darling,” said Wanderer, blinking his glowing eyes slowly. “Why do we bake it, slice it, and then toast it? Isn’t that emotional whiplash for the wheat?” “You need a hobby. Or a boyfriend,” Twiggy sniffed. “Or a therapist. Or all three. Probably in that order.” “You’re just upset because the mushroom you married turned out to be a toadstool in disguise.” “We do not speak of Reginald the Deceiver,” she hissed. “Besides, he was too spongy anyway.” Just then, a frantic bluebird dive-bombed through the clearing, panting in short, tweet-sized bursts. “HE’S COMING! THE TWO-LEGGED GIANT!” The entire forest paused mid-wind-blow. Leaves froze in midair. Even the judgmental ferns stiffened their fronds. Wanderer, meanwhile, adjusted his hoodie like a fashion influencer preparing for a live stream. “Oh yes, the one with the camera and the tragic man-bun,” he said. “Chadwick.” “He brings gluten,” whispered a squirrel reverently from the shadows. “He steps on fungi,” muttered a mushroom bitterly. Wanderer sighed, stood up, and brushed his tiny paws off on his hoodie. “Well, let’s not be rude. We’ll give him a proper Merribark welcome. Someone fetch the sarcasm wreath and the ‘You Tried’ banner.” By the time Chadwick stumbled into the clearing—half-mulched by brambles, holding his DSLR like it was an ancient relic—the forest scene had been curated to Pinterest-worthy perfection. Wanderer perched regally on his log, leaves spiraling behind him like nature’s confetti, eyes glowing like warm bourbon lit by fairy light. Chadwick gasped. “You’re… real.” Wanderer tilted his head. “Define ‘real.’ Existentially? Metaphysically? Or just tax-deductible?” Chadwick began clicking frantically. “This is going viral. I’m going to call you ‘Forest Catfox!’” “That’s offensive,” Twiggy growled from a branch. “He’s a Forest Dramaturge.” “I’m more of an Emotional Support Goblin,” Wanderer said with a shrug. “But I’ll let it slide for a croissant.” Chadwick, dazed and elated, kept snapping photos, unaware that the squirrels had already started rummaging through his backpack, assessing the value of his granola bars in acorn currency. And that’s when the whisper started, soft and eerie: a voice among the trees, unmistakably annoyed. It wasn’t Chadwick. It wasn’t Twiggy. And it definitely wasn’t one of the squirrels (though they could be dramatic). It was something older. Wilder. Grumpier. And mildly damp-smelling. The forest shivered. The leaves dropped like dead gossip. And Wanderer… Wanderer stood up straighter. Adjusted his hoodie. And whispered, “Oh fungus muffins. She’s awake.” The Slumbering Grump and the Granola Apocalypse The forest of Merribark was not accustomed to drama. Sure, there were the occasional turf disputes between badgers and raccoons (usually over who left peanut butter on the communal hammock). And yes, the annual “Mushroom Masquerade” sometimes ended with a few intoxicated toadstools face-down in the duck pond. But *this* was different. Because She had awakened. Deep beneath the glade, where roots knotted like secret handshakes and the earth hummed with unsent emails from Mother Nature, something ancient stirred: Grumple Griselda, the disgruntled fungus queen, was no longer dormant. She was awake, crusty, and she was hungry. “You didn’t tell me you lived over a spore mat,” Chadwick whispered, eyes wide behind his ironically large glasses. “Technically, I rent it. On a very flexible mycelium sublease,” Wanderer replied, cracking his knuckles like a woodland chiropractor. “But semantics aside—yes. We are standing on the grumpy fungal womb of doom. And you brought peanut butter trail mix. Excellent.” “That wasn’t me!” Chadwick hissed. “That was the influencer I dated last week! I’m more of a keto sunflower seed guy!” “Oh, you’re that guy,” Twiggy said, hopping down with a sniff. “The one who won’t shut up about gut biome and 'intermittent enlightenment.'” “Wanderer,” a voice rumbled from the soil itself. “Is that a human I smell?” “You smell that?” Wanderer muttered. “That’s ancient mold resentment mixed with existential dread and body lotion called ‘Forest Seduction.’” The ground trembled. From a slowly splitting mound of moss and dirt rose a towering column of sentient mushroom—hulking, multicolored, and wildly over-accessorized in damp velvet and beetle-shell jewelry. Griselda, Her Sponginess, emerged like an angry sourdough starter granted mobility. “YOU.” Her voice sloshed across the clearing like gravy rage. “You let another one in. Another two-leg. With hair gel!” “Chadwick, do not—do not—try to negotiate,” Wanderer warned. But Chadwick had already stepped forward, pulling out a bag of gluten-free trail mix like an offering to a snacky goddess. “It’s vegan?” Griselda blinked. Then blinked again. Then released a sound that could only be described as a mycological snort. “You think you can bribe me with roasted chickpeas? CHILD, I was fermenting before your ancestors even knew how to boil an egg!” “That’s true,” Twiggy piped up. “She’s older than regret.” “And just as clingy,” Wanderer added. “But she also really loves interpretive dance. Maybe we distract her.” “With dance?” Chadwick gasped. “With interpretive existential dread dance,” Twiggy clarified. “Big difference.” And so it began. In the center of the forest clearing, the most awkward flashmob in magical history unfolded. Squirrels somersaulted with nut-cluster precision. Frogs leapt in chaotic jazz sequences. Twiggy twirled like an angry pretzel, while Chadwick—bless his soft-shelled soul—attempted a combination of tai chi and a mid-2000s boy band routine. Wanderer, meanwhile, simply stood still, eyes glowing brighter than before, hoodie rippling in the wind like he was in an emotionally complicated shampoo commercial. Griselda narrowed her eyes. “What is this?” she demanded, swaying. “A ritual?” “A vibe,” Wanderer replied smoothly. “A forest reclaiming its narrative through kinetic vulnerability and granola-averse choreography.” Griselda paused. Blinked again. “...It’s working. My rage… it’s slowing…” “Careful,” Twiggy hissed. “She’s entering her sentimental fermentation phase.” “This is when she’s most dangerous,” Wanderer added. “If she starts quoting ancient mushroom poetry, we’re doomed.” “Let the moss beneath us bear witness,” Griselda began, her voice softening into a tragic, echoing croon, “to the cycle of growth and rot… for even the firmest fungi… must one day… split…” Chadwick burst into tears. “That’s so beautiful.” “He’s been emotionally compromised,” said a badger wearing monocles. “Time to engage Protocol Nutshake.” Before anyone could ask what that was, a chipmunk rocketed out of the underbrush riding a red squirrel bareback and wielding two pinecone maracas. The scene dissolved into joyful chaos as woodland creatures celebrated the near-aversion of disaster through interpretive art and accidental snack diplomacy. Griselda, touched by the bizarre communal ritual, slowly receded into her fungal dormancy. “Fine,” she grumbled. “You may keep your camera monkey. But I expect seasonal tributes. And at least one heartfelt ballad about the tragedy of mold.” “I’ll have Chadwick write an indie folk song,” Wanderer promised. “It’ll have banjo. And melancholy.” “Better have accordion,” Griselda muttered, sinking back into the dirt. “Or I will rise again…” By nightfall, the forest had returned to a semi-chaotic peace. The squirrels were tipsy on fermented berries. Chadwick had 347 blurry photos and one accidental selfie with Griselda. Twiggy had started selling tiny bottles of forest-scented oil labeled “Spores & Sass.” And Wanderer? He returned to his log, hoodie fluffed, sipping tea brewed from leaves that giggled when plucked. “So,” Twiggy asked, curling beside him. “Think he’ll come back?” “Probably,” Wanderer said with a sly smile. “Humans love mystery. And granola. And I am, if nothing else… extremely photogenic.” The stars blinked awake above Merribark, as soft laughter echoed through the trees and the forest whispered secrets to itself. And somewhere, far below, a mushroom queen dreamt of accordions. The End. Bring the magic home: If “The Ember-Eyed Wanderer” stole your heart, whispered to your inner mischief, or made you cackle into your tea, you can now bring a piece of Merribark Forest into your world. From soft furnishings to gallery-worthy wall art, this enchanting scene is available in a variety of charming formats to suit every adventurer’s den. Tapestry: Perfect for creating a cozy reading nook or dreamy bedroom vibe, this fabric art brings the wanderer’s forest glow into any space. Canvas Print: Museum-quality texture with a rustic touch—ideal for showcasing this whimsical scene in your home gallery. Metal Print: Bold, luminous, and modern—this sleek print makes the glowing eyes and autumn tones pop with spellbinding clarity. Throw Pillow: Soft enough for squirrel naps and stylish enough for enchanted living rooms. Cozy up with forest flair! Fleece Blanket: Wrap yourself in woodland whimsy—ideal for chilly evenings, tea rituals, or pretending you're napping in a magical glade. Explore the full collection at shop.unfocussed.com and let the ember-eyed mischief-maker spark stories in your space.
