forest gnome love

by Bill Tiepelman

The Mush-room for Debate

There was peace in the forest. Well, there had been peace in the forest until Gilda and Bramble started up—again. “For the last time, Bramble,” Gilda huffed, arms crossed so tightly that even the wildflowers in her crown looked nervous, “you cannot put mushrooms in everything! This isn’t some foraged gourmet forest bistro. I don’t care what you heard from the squirrels!” Across from her, Bramble, ever the optimist (or so he called himself—Gilda had other words for it), grinned through his bushy beard. His oversized hat tilted to one side, festooned with more flowers and mushrooms than any self-respecting gnome should wear. “Now, now,” he said, holding up a finger like he was about to impart ancient wisdom. “You’re not giving these little beauties enough credit. Mushrooms are the foundation of all culinary genius. Why, without them—” “We’d be eating something that doesn’t taste like dirt,” Gilda cut in, her cheeks flushing a deeper pink. “You put mushrooms in the soup, mushrooms in the stew, you even tried to sneak them into my tea! If I wanted everything to taste like the bottom of my shoe, I’d—” “Wait, wait, wait!” Bramble interjected, eyes twinkling with mischief. “How do you know what the bottom of your shoe tastes like? Been nibbling on your boots again, eh? I told you, Gilda, there’s tastier snacks out here, and guess what? They’re mushrooms!” Gilda stared at him, deadpan. “You are going to be the death of me, Bramble. Or, at the very least, the death of my appetite.” She turned and motioned at the forest around them. “There are thousands of other ingredients in this entire forest. Berries, herbs, nuts… Why, I even saw a deer the other day—” “Oh-ho!” Bramble piped up, waggling his finger. “Look who’s thinking about eating Bambi now. And you called me the barbarian.” He stuck his tongue out, clearly enjoying himself far too much. “The deer is off the menu, obviously,” Gilda replied with a sigh. “But we have options, Bramble! You don’t need to make every meal a mushroom festival.” Bramble leaned in, eyes narrowing in mock suspicion. “Tell me something, Gilda. Why the sudden anti-fungus agenda? What did mushrooms ever do to you? Did one offend you in your sleep? Did it—gasp—touch your flower crown?” Gilda threw her hands up in exasperation. “They don’t have to do anything! It’s just common sense not to base your entire diet on something that grows in the dark and smells like... decay!” She glanced at the mushrooms around them, their caps glistening with morning dew. They seemed to be taunting her now, all of them smugly rooted in place as Bramble’s best allies. “Ah, that’s where you’re wrong,” Bramble said, raising a finger in triumph. “Mushrooms are versatile, robust, and quite fashionable, if I do say so myself.” He adjusted the tiny mushroom growing out of his hat for emphasis. “They go with everything. Look at this beauty!” He gestured to the enormous mushroom behind him, its bright red cap looming over them both like an umbrella. “You’re telling me you wouldn’t want this in your living room? Decorative and delicious!” “Bramble, if you put that in the house, I swear I will burn it down myself. And then where will we live? Under another mushroom?” Gilda shot back. Bramble scratched his beard, pretending to consider. “Hmm… I do hear they’re quite spacious if you hollow them out. Cozy, even. Could be the start of a trend—mushroom living, eco-friendly and efficient!” He raised his eyebrows as if he were a revolutionary genius. “Plus, think of the convenience—if you get hungry in the middle of the night, just nibble on the wall!” Gilda groaned, dragging a hand down her face. “The only thing I’ll be nibbling on is my last bit of sanity.” She turned away, mumbling to herself. “I should have married that wood sprite. He at least knew how to cook something besides fungus.” Bramble, undeterred, sidled up beside her, still grinning. “Come now, love. Don’t be such a sourberry. Mushrooms are good for you! Full of fiber, antioxidants, and a little earthy mystery. Besides, without them, what would you complain about? I’m doing you a favor, really.” Gilda shot him a look that could have frozen lava. “Oh, believe me, I would find something. You’re a never-ending source of complaints.” Bramble’s grin only widened. “That’s the spirit! See? This is why we make such a good team. You keep me grounded, and I keep you on your toes. Or at least, toe-deep in mushrooms.” Gilda rolled her eyes but couldn’t help a small smirk creeping up on her lips. “If you even think about adding mushrooms to dessert tonight, I will relocate you to the shed. Permanently.” “Fine, fine. No mushrooms in the dessert… this time,” Bramble relented, his expression still far too gleeful for her liking. As they walked back to their cozy home nestled in the woods, Bramble hummed a merry tune, while Gilda muttered under her breath, something about “one more mushroom and I’m moving into the berry patch.” The sun began to set, casting a golden glow over the forest, and the mushrooms around them sparkled in the soft light. It would have been peaceful, serene even—if not for Bramble’s sudden outburst. “Oh! Wait! What if we made mushroom-flavored jam? It’d be revolutionary! Sweet, savory, a real fusion of—” “BRAMBLE!” And so, the great mushroom debate continued, as eternal as their love, and just as frustrating.    

by Bill Tiepelman

Biker Gnomes: Romance on the Woodland Path

Interviewer: Well, this is a first! I don’t think we’ve ever had gnome bikers in the studio before. You two look like you’ve been on quite the ride—tell us, how did you meet? Gus the Gnome (stroking his beard): Oh, it’s a classic love story. I was cruising down the woodland path on my hog—er, I mean, my mushroom-powered bike—and there she was. Just standing there with that bandana and a wrench in her hand. My heart couldn’t take it. Rosie the Gnome (adjusting her goggles): Yeah, well, his bike was making more noise than a disgruntled badger. I had to fix it. Can’t have him stalling out in the middle of my forest, y’know? Interviewer: So, it was love at first repair? Gus: You bet! She tuned me up, and I’ve been running smooth ever since. I knew I couldn’t let this one get away. Not when she handled a wrench better than I did. Rosie: Pfft, it wasn’t just the bike. He’s got that whole rugged, “I don’t care” thing going on, but he’s soft as a marshmallow when you get past the leather. Interviewer: And Rosie, what’s it like being with a gnome who rides through life on two wheels? Rosie (laughs): Oh, it’s a blast! We take the bike out, feel the wind in our beards—well, his beard. I just hang on and make sure he doesn’t drive us into a mushroom patch. There’s something freeing about it, just us and the open forest trails. Gus: She’s the best co-pilot. Knows when to smack me upside the head when I’m going too fast, and she always packs snacks for the road. Can’t ask for more than that. Interviewer: So, what’s the secret to keeping your relationship revved up after all these years? Gus: Easy—adventure. We don’t sit still. Life’s too short for that. Whether it’s a ride through the forest or a pit stop for some mushroom ale, we’re always doing something. Rosie: And laughter. I mean, look at this guy. How can you not laugh when he’s wearing goggles bigger than his head? Gus (grinning): Hey, they’re functional. Safety first, sweetheart. Interviewer: Sounds like you two are the perfect mix of tough and tender. Any big plans for the next ride? Rosie: Oh, we’re thinking of cruising down to the southern mushroom grove. They’ve got a gnome biker rally happening next month. Should be a good time—lots of bikes, beards, and brews. Gus: And maybe a little mischief along the way. You know, the usual. Just us, the bike, and the open trail. Interviewer: Well, I don’t think we’ve ever met a couple quite like you two! Keep the wheels turning, and thanks for sharing your story. Ride safe! Gus: Always. Just gotta keep the wind in my beard and the love of my life by my side. Rosie: *rolls eyes* He’s such a sap. But yeah, what he said.     The Backstory of Gus and Rosie: Biker Love on the Woodland Trail Gus and Rosie weren’t your typical gnome couple. While other gnomes were busy gardening or foraging, these two were roaring down woodland paths on their custom-made mushroom-powered bike. Gus, with his gruff exterior and iconic black leather jacket, has been a biker gnome for as long as anyone can remember. He spent his early years riding solo, leaving a trail of dust—and curious gnomes—in his wake. Enter Rosie, a gnome with grease under her nails and the ability to fix anything with wheels. She was the local mechanic, known for tuning up everything from wagons to woodchuck-powered scooters. When Gus rolled into town with a bike that sounded like it was on its last legs, Rosie saw it as a challenge. She tuned up his bike and, in the process, tuned up his heart. Since that fateful day, Gus and Rosie have been inseparable. They ride the forest trails together, enjoying the wind in their beards (or in Rosie’s case, the wind in her curls) and stopping at every gnome tavern along the way. Their love of adventure and each other keeps them young, even as the mushrooms around them grow old. With a mix of grit and grace, Gus and Rosie have shown the gnome world that love isn’t about settling down—it’s about gearing up for the next adventure.     Feeling inspired by Gus and Rosie’s adventurous love story? Now you can bring a piece of their wild ride into your own life with these unique products! 🏍️🍄 Add a touch of gnome biker charm to your space with the “Biker Gnomes” art print, perfect for your home or office. Transform any room into a woodland retreat with the stunning tapestry featuring Gus and Rosie in all their leather-clad glory. Looking for a fun way to spend the evening? Challenge yourself with the “Biker Gnomes” puzzle and piece together this unique love story! For those on the go, carry the adventure with you in style with the tote bag featuring these rebellious gnomes! Gear up for your next adventure and grab a piece of Gus and Rosie’s story today! 🍂