gnome tradition

by Bill Tiepelman

Happily Ever After... Mostly

Happily Ever After... Mostly Interviewer: Good afternoon, folks! Thanks for agreeing to sit down with us. You two look…well, quite the pair! How long have you been together? Jasper the Gnome (rocking the striped hat): Oh, it’s been what? 237 years, love? Greta the Gnome (arms crossed, not having it): Feels like 500. Jasper: She’s kidding! We met at the Gnome Shindig of ’787. She couldn’t resist my moves. Greta (deadpan): Yes, he was dancing on a toadstool and fell right off. I thought he was dead. Should’ve left him there. Interviewer: Wow, sounds like love at first…fall? Greta: More like an unfortunate accident that became a life sentence. You try saying no when a gnome proposes in front of the entire mushroom village. You’re stuck. Jasper (laughing): And what a beautiful life sentence it’s been! Don’t let her fool you—she’s my flower in the garden, my sun in the forest, my— Greta (interrupting): Ugh. Please, you romantic fool, the mushrooms are blushing. Let’s not pretend you don’t spend most of your days “foraging” for fungi with the lads. I haven’t seen you sober since last Midsummer's Eve. Interviewer: Sounds like you both have very…uh, balanced roles in this relationship. How do you keep the spark alive after all these centuries? Greta (rolling eyes): Spark? Oh, there’s plenty of sparks—mainly from me lighting fires under his lazy butt. I do all the hard work. I tend the garden, I ward off trolls, and what does he do? He gives rock 'n roll hand gestures to passing gnomes and pretends he’s still in his “heyday.” Jasper: That’s not true! I’m a provider. I bring home the rarest mushrooms. Just last week I found a Shroom of Ever-Lasting Farts. Very rare. A prized specimen! Greta: Oh yes, and I’ve had the distinct pleasure of experiencing those farts ever since. Thanks for that. Interviewer (laughing): So, what's the secret to surviving centuries together? Greta: You make sure he’s outside when the farts kick in. And you always keep a frying pan nearby…just in case. Jasper: And love! Lots of love! And, you know, forgiving the occasional fart…or ten. Greta: *Sigh* The things I endure for love. He’s lucky he’s cute. Barely. Interviewer: Well, it’s clear you two have something special, even if it's a bit…aromatic! Any last words for the folks at home about keeping a gnome marriage strong? Greta: Don’t. Do. It. Jasper (grinning): Oh come on, love, don’t be grumpy. I’d say, keep laughing. Whether it’s at her grumpy face or my mushroom hunting “skills,” laughter’s kept us going. Greta (softening, just a bit): Hmm. Fine. Laughter…and a frying pan. Interviewer: You heard it here first, folks—farting, frying pans, and laughter. That’s the key to a happy gnome marriage. Thanks for your time, you two! And best of luck with…well, surviving each other. Jasper: Anytime! Now, about that mushroom hunting trip I was talking about— Greta: No. Absolutely not. We’re done here.   The Backstory of Jasper and Greta: A Gnome Love (and War) Story It was the year 787, a wild time in the gnome world. Gnome festivals were all the rage, and young gnomes were hopping around from mushroom to mushroom like it was going out of style. In the middle of this chaos was Jasper, a self-proclaimed “wild stallion of the woods,” known for his legendary mushroom-foraging skills and his ability to drink an entire tankard of nectar without collapsing. On the other side of the forest? Greta. Stoic. Stubborn. Not here for anyone’s nonsense. She spent her days in peaceful solitude, tending her garden and perfecting her signature death glare that could freeze a goblin in its tracks. The last thing she wanted was some wide-eyed, happy-go-lucky fool traipsing into her life. And yet, fate—or perhaps just bad luck—had other plans. They met at the infamous Gnome Shindig, where Jasper, in a spectacular display of clumsiness, slipped off a toadstool during an attempt at a particularly daring jig. He landed face-first in Greta’s flowerbed. Covered in dirt and muttering something about “true love,” Jasper was smitten. Greta? Not so much. But as it happens with gnomes, persistence pays off. Jasper wooed her with gifts of rare mushrooms (not the fart-inducing kind, yet) and charmingly awful serenades. Greta, despite herself, began to soften—mainly out of exhaustion from his relentless attempts. And so, under the soft glow of mushroom caps and amidst the buzz of tiny fireflies, they became the oddest couple in the forest. Since then, they’ve endured centuries of gnome bliss: bickering, mushroom hunting, and enough eye rolls from Greta to power a windmill. Their love, while not the stuff of fairy tales, is real. It’s built on snark, fart jokes, and a deep, unspoken understanding that they’re stuck with each other—for better or for worse. And honestly? They wouldn’t have it any other way. Except maybe Greta. She’s still on the fence.  

by Bill Tiepelman

Groovy Getaway: Gnomes' Nature Fest

In the heart of the whispering woods, under the canopy of ancient trees, there existed a secret known only to the most whimsical of creatures. Here, the Gnome couple, Ziggy and Marla, hosted the most enchanting of all gatherings, the 'Gnomes' Nature Fest'. It was a celebration that marked the beginning of their nomadic journey, an annual event that brought together all manner of magical beings. Ziggy, with his beard as wild as the untamed river, and Marla, whose laughter was as melodious as the dawn chorus, were the very spirit of the forest. They adorned their trusty Volkswagen van, a relic from a time when love and peace were the mantras of the day, with the most intricate patterns and vibrant colors. It stood at the center of the fest, not just as a vehicle of travel, but as a symbol of the boundless journeys that life offered. As the dusk crept in, casting a golden glow over the clearing, the fire crackled to life, casting dancing shadows upon the faces of the gathered throng. Gnomes, fairies, and even the wise old owls came forth, drawn by the allure of the fire's warmth and the promise of stories that would be told. The night was young, and the air thrummed with the melody of acoustic guitars and the soft murmur of enchanted tales. "Are you ready for another escapade, my dear Marla?" Ziggy asked, his eyes twinkling with a familiar spark of adventure. Marla nodded, her hand finding his in the glow of the firelight, her smile an echo of all the joyous journeys they had embarked upon together. They stood together, the flames reflecting in their eyes, as their friends encircled them, each creature a character in the tapestry of stories that wove through the fabric of the fest. The Gnomes' Nature Fest was more than an event; it was a moment in time where every soul present could be their truest self, united by the wanderlust that pulsed through the veins of the forest. As the night deepened, Ziggy and Marla took to the makeshift stage by the fire. The crowd hushed, the crackling flames playing accompaniment to the unfolding tale. "Beyond these woods, beyond the misty mountains, there lies a realm where the sky showers not rain, but falling stars," Ziggy began, his voice a soft incantation. Marla's fingers danced in the air, weaving a tapestry of starlight that shimmered above the audience, her magic bringing Ziggy's words to life. "This realm, known as Astralis, is only visible during the Geminid meteor showers," Marla continued, "when the veil between worlds is thinnest. It is there that the Starweavers craft the threads of fate, weaving the very essence of existence." The crowd watched, entranced, as tiny orbs of light swirled around them, a reflection of the celestial bodies far above. Ziggy's gaze met Marla's, a silent acknowledgement of their shared secret. They had been to Astralis, guided by the stars, on a night much like this one. "To reach Astralis," Ziggy whispered, "one must not only believe in the impossible but also possess a heart unburdened by the trappings of the mundane world." Just then, a shooting star streaked across the sky, casting a brilliant light over the gathering. Gasps and cheers erupted as each attendee made a silent wish, a tradition as old as the fest itself. The Gnomes' Nature Fest was not only a celebration of their love for travel and discovery but also a reminder of the limitless possibilities that lay in the hearts of dreamers. As the fire dimmed to embers, the forest whispered its secrets, and the magical beings dispersed, carrying with them tales of the night. Ziggy and Marla retired to their painted van, their spirits full, knowing that the story of Astralis would continue to inspire long after the fire's last glow had faded. For in every gnome's heart burned the fiery ember of adventure, and the Gnome's Nature Fest was but a prelude to the countless journeys that awaited in the realm of the imagination.     As the tales of Astralis wove their magic into the hearts of all present, a collection of keepsakes were offered, each a tangible piece of the magic to be cherished in daily life. The "Groovy Getaway: Gnomes' Nature Fest" poster, capturing the essence of Ziggy and Marla's enchanted campsite, now available for those who wish to hold a piece of this whimsy on their walls. For those desiring a more tactile memento, the intricate designs of the gathering were transformed into a vibrant tapestry, a puzzle to piece together with loved ones, and even a throw pillow to add a splash of color to any nook. For those chilly evenings reminiscent of campfire nights, a soft fleece blanket awaits to wrap you in the warmth of a thousand stories. Each item in the collection is a tribute to the spirit of exploration and the joy of gathering, a piece of the Groovy Getaway to call your own.