Halloween humor

by Bill Tiepelman

Crisp Leaves and Curious Eyes

There’s something special about the pumpkin patch at night. Sure, it's a wholesome place by day—filled with giggling kids, hayrides, and apple cider—but come dusk, it changes. Maybe it’s the shadows from the jack-o'-lanterns flickering just a bit too long, or the way the wind howls through the cornfields, whispering secrets like it’s in on a joke you don’t quite get. For Evie, it was more than just a patch. It was her escape. An escape from the grown-up nonsense of bills, laundry, and men who couldn’t text back within a 48-hour window. Tonight, though, she was here for one thing: answers. Her straw hat was tipped low over her face, a ridiculous scarecrow get-up she borrowed from the bottom of her attic’s Halloween bin. The patch wasn’t open to the public at this hour, but Evie wasn’t exactly the rule-following type. So, under the guise of “blending in,” she figured scarecrow attire would be just inconspicuous enough. Because who questions a girl holding a black kitten, after all? She didn't name it—cats weren’t her thing—but it showed up one day, eyes glowing like it was auditioning for a Tim Burton movie. The damn thing followed her everywhere now, like a fuzzy, judgmental shadow. "Alright, mystery pumpkin patch," she muttered to herself, kicking a random gourd with the tip of her boot, "what are you hiding?" Evie wasn’t entirely sure why she’d come back. Maybe it was the weird note she’d found stuffed in her grocery bag last week. “Your answers are in the patch. Come alone.” She'd chuckled when she first read it, thinking some loser from the dating app was trying to get creative with his pick-up lines. Or worse, some MLM hun trying to sell her organic pumpkin spice oils. But curiosity got the best of her, as it often did. As she crept deeper into the field, the pumpkins seemed bigger, more sinister. The moonlight danced on the orange skin of each one, giving them a strange, almost human expression. She caught herself staring a little too long at a particularly squat one that looked like it could pass as her high school gym teacher. "You judging me too, Coach Johnson? Yeah, well, screw you. Your crossfit circuit was a joke," she muttered under her breath, glaring at the gourd. The kitten meowed, as if in agreement. Or maybe protest. Who knew with cats? A Rumble in the Patch Suddenly, there was a rustling in the rows of corn nearby. Evie froze, her heart doing that weird skippy thing it always did when she felt like she was about to be caught doing something she shouldn’t. The kitten, on the other hand, seemed utterly unimpressed, licking its paw like the possibility of danger was an afterthought. "Who’s there?" she called, her voice wobbling only slightly. She might be a grown woman, but cornfields at night had a way of bringing out the nine-year-old in anyone. There was no answer, but she could feel eyes on her. And not just pumpkin eyes. Evie tightened her grip on the kitten, which, again, seemed more annoyed than protective. She spun around, her gaze darting from one oversized pumpkin to the next, half expecting one to stand up and start chasing her like a scene from a B-movie horror flick. Then, from behind a particularly large patch of sunflowers, a figure emerged. "Well, well, if it isn’t Little Miss Scarecrow. You really went all out, huh?" The voice was annoyingly familiar. It was Todd. Of course, it was Todd. The only guy she knew who’d break into a pumpkin patch for kicks and who, for some reason, believed showing up unannounced was 'quirky' and not just downright creepy. "Todd? Seriously? The note was from you? What the hell?" Todd smirked, stepping forward into the moonlight, revealing a mismatched pirate costume—complete with an eyepatch that seemed to be slipping off his head at an unfortunate angle. "Yeah, yeah, sorry about the theatrics. But I needed to get your attention. You haven’t been answering my texts." Evie rolled her eyes so hard she was sure they were going to pop out of her skull. "You can’t just lure me to a damn pumpkin patch with some cryptic-ass note, Todd. And your texts? What part of 'we broke up three months ago' didn’t get through to your tiny, pirate-infested brain?" "I thought it was romantic. You know, like an autumn mystery? You like mysteries." "I like mysteries involving crime, Todd, not my ex-boyfriend who can’t let go." The Real Mystery Just as Evie was about to tear into him further—because if Todd deserved anything, it was a proper verbal smackdown—a loud rumble shook the ground. The pumpkins trembled. Even Todd, with all his “I’m just a cool guy” bravado, took a step back. "Uh... did you feel that?" Evie asked, her anger momentarily replaced by actual concern. "Yeah," Todd nodded. "Was that...an earthquake?" "In Ohio? Really? That’s your answer?" Before either of them could come up with a better explanation, the ground started to shift again. This time, it wasn’t just a tremble. Something—something—was pushing its way up through the soil. Evie’s heart leapt into her throat as a giant pumpkin began to rise, roots snapping, dirt flying everywhere. "Okay, WHAT THE ACTUAL—" Todd blurted, eyes wide as dinner plates. The giant pumpkin cracked open, revealing...a man. A man? No, not just any man. He was dressed in a suit, covered in dirt, and holding a clipboard. "Excuse me," the man said, adjusting his tie like this was the most normal thing in the world, "I’m here to conduct the annual Pumpkin Patch Inspection. You two are trespassing." Evie stared, mouth agape, the kitten meowing in confused irritation. "You mean...this is about zoning regulations or something?" she asked, unable to process the absurdity of the moment. "Yes," the inspector said, flipping through his clipboard nonchalantly. "This patch is in violation of several autumnal codes. You’ll need to leave." Evie and Todd exchanged bewildered glances. This night had taken a turn that even Evie, in her wildest mysteries, couldn’t have imagined. "So, uh, no haunted pumpkin conspiracy then?" Evie asked. The inspector sighed. "No. Just poor agricultural planning." With that, the giant pumpkin closed back up, sinking into the ground as if nothing had happened. Evie stood there, utterly baffled, wondering what the hell she just witnessed. "Well," Todd finally muttered, "at least you got your answer." "Shut up, Todd."    Bring the Magic of "Crisp Leaves and Curious Eyes" Home If you're as enchanted by the whimsical charm and autumn magic of Evie and her fluffy feline companion as we are, you'll love these unique products featuring the stunning artwork "Crisp Leaves and Curious Eyes" by Bill and Linda Tiepelman. Perfect for adding a touch of autumn to your home or to give as a quirky gift! Autumn Tapestry – Hang a piece of fall magic on your wall with this beautifully detailed tapestry. Wood Print – Bring rustic autumn vibes to your space with this textured wood print. Puzzle – Get cozy on chilly nights while piecing together this fun, detailed autumn puzzle. Tote Bag – Carry a bit of autumn wonder with you wherever you go with this charming tote. Explore the full collection and bring the playful spirit of fall into your world with these delightful pieces!

by Bill Tiepelman

Fur, Wings, and Midnight Stars

It wasn’t your typical night. No, it was one of those nights where everything felt just a little… off. The kind where the moon looked like it was hanging a little too low in the sky, the stars twinkled with an extra bit of sass, and the air smelled faintly of something suspiciously floral. As if the world had decided to add a hint of cherry blossom perfume, just to throw everyone off. Hanging from a thin branch, Bob, a bat with what he liked to call "above-average fur," swung upside down, wondering how his life had come to this exact point. Cherry blossoms? Really? How cliché. He’d been aiming for mysterious and edgy, not some kind of romantic backdrop for a Hallmark movie. Yet here he was, blending into an Instagram post waiting to happen, all fluffy and cute. Yuck. “Look at me,” he muttered sarcastically, squinting at the petals gently falling around him. “I’m a walking Pinterest board.” He flicked his wings dramatically, sending a couple of cherry blossoms fluttering to the ground like they had personally offended him. The moon, in its usual overly dramatic fashion, glowed as brightly as it could, determined to outshine everything else in the sky. “Oh, look at me,” the moon seemed to say. “I’m so big and round and full of myself.” Typical moon behavior. Bob rolled his eyes—at least as much as a bat could roll its eyes while hanging upside down. “Could you tone it down a bit?” Bob called out to the moon. “Some of us are trying to be mysterious over here.” The moon, of course, didn’t respond. It never did. Always too busy being the center of attention. Stars, on the other hand, twinkled mischievously in the background, as if they were in on some cosmic joke Bob hadn’t been invited to. “Oh yeah, sure, laugh it up,” Bob mumbled. “You’ve got one job. Blink. Real impressive. Meanwhile, I’m out here doing acrobatics, defying gravity, and hanging by my freakin’ toes. But sure, let's all focus on the big shiny ball in the sky.” At that moment, a particularly bold cherry blossom floated down and had the audacity to land directly on Bob’s head. He sighed heavily. “Perfect. Just perfect. This is exactly what I needed. A flower crown. I look like the poster bat for a hipster festival. Someone hand me a tiny latte so I can complete the look.” Bob had been hanging around this tree for a few hours now, waiting for something exciting to happen. And by exciting, he meant anything that wasn’t him accidentally falling asleep and almost plummeting to the ground. It wasn’t his fault, though. The nocturnal life could get... repetitive. You'd think a creature of the night would have some epic adventures—maybe an underground rave, or a thrilling chase with a vampire—but no. Mostly it was just endless nights of hanging out (literally) and listening to the wind rustle through the branches. “Why did I choose this tree again?” he asked himself. “Oh right, because the last one had that squirrel problem. Ugh, don’t even get me started on squirrels. One time I blinked, and they’d stolen my entire stash of perfectly good berries. And for what? To bury them? In what world does that make sense? Do they even remember where they put them? Spoiler alert: no.” Suddenly, a second bat—Vera—swooped in and landed gracefully next to Bob. She hung there, looking effortlessly cool, her sleek wings catching the moonlight in just the right way. Bob hated it when she did that. “You look... cozy,” Vera said, eyeing Bob’s accidental flower crown with a smirk. “Oh yeah, I’m living the dream,” Bob replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Just me, my petals, and an overly enthusiastic moon.” He flapped his wings lazily. “Life doesn’t get better than this.” Vera chuckled, her amusement only adding to Bob’s misery. “You’re such a drama bat,” she teased. “It’s kind of adorable, in a ‘tragically misunderstood artist’ kind of way.” “Please,” Bob scoffed. “I’m not misunderstood. I understand myself perfectly. I’m just not sure why I bother.” They hung in silence for a while, watching the stars flicker and the wind carry the scent of cherry blossoms through the air. Every now and then, Bob would let out an exasperated sigh, as if the weight of the entire night sky rested on his little bat shoulders. “You know,” Vera said after a while, “you could always just... fly somewhere else. If the cherry blossoms bother you that much.” “Fly where? Every tree around here is basically a scene from a botanical calendar. There’s no escaping the pretty.” “Or you could embrace it,” Vera suggested, clearly trying to be the voice of reason. “It’s not so bad. You’ve got a prime spot, great view of the moon—” “Ugh, don’t mention the moon,” Bob interrupted, glaring at the big glowing ball in the sky. “It’s like a giant nightlight that won’t turn off. Ever.” “Or,” Vera continued, ignoring him, “you could stop being so grumpy about everything. Maybe try... I don’t know... enjoying yourself?” Bob snorted. “Enjoy myself? In this economy?” Vera sighed, but there was a fondness in her eyes as she watched Bob fume over the petals that continued to rain down. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” “Yeah, well, someone’s got to be the voice of reason in this overly-optimistic world.” Bob shook the cherry blossom crown off his head. “Besides, I hear being miserable is very in this season.” “Oh yeah?” Vera raised an eyebrow. “And where did you hear that?” “The stars,” Bob said with a wink. “They’re gossipers, you know.” Vera laughed, and for a brief moment, Bob let a smile tug at the corners of his mouth. Maybe tonight wasn’t so bad after all. Even if he did feel like a decorative ornament hanging in some picturesque scene. “Alright,” Bob sighed. “Maybe I’ll stick around a little longer. But if one more petal lands on my head, I’m burning this tree down.” “Good luck with that,” Vera replied, her voice dripping with amusement. “Let me know how that goes.” And so, with the stars giggling overhead, and the moon continuing to shine like the overachiever it was, Bob the bat decided to endure the night—flower crowns and all. After all, someone had to keep things grounded while the rest of the world floated away in its ridiculous beauty. Besides, the view wasn’t half bad.    Enjoyed the whimsical charm of "Fur, Wings, and Midnight Stars"? Now, you can bring a piece of Bob's night into your home! Whether you want to snuggle up with a cozy throw pillow or transform your space with a stunning tapestry, we’ve got you covered: Throw Pillow – Add a touch of moonlit whimsy to your couch with this fluffy bat-inspired pillow. Duvet Cover – Drift into dreams with this charming nocturnal scene wrapped around your bed. Tote Bag – Carry a piece of the night with you wherever you go, perfect for the quirky bat lover. Tapestry – Turn your wall into a dreamy, moonlit canvas with this beautiful piece. Explore the full collection and embrace the magic of "Fur, Wings, and Midnight Stars" today!

by Bill Tiepelman

Spells, Pumpkins, and Gnome Mischief

In the heart of the haunted hollow, there sat a gnome. Not just any gnome—this was Garvin, the self-proclaimed “Master of Spells” and “Pumpkin Aficionado.” Spoiler alert: he was terrible at both. Garvin wasn’t your typical, cutesy lawn gnome. No, no. This one had big plans. With his oversized witch’s hat, adorned with fake flowers he stole from Mrs. Willowbottom’s garden, and his broom that had never swept a thing in its life, Garvin was ready to cause some mischief. Or at least, that was the plan. “Alright, pumpkin,” he muttered under his breath, glaring at the jack-o'-lantern next to him, which glowed a bit too cheerfully for his taste. “Tonight’s the night we make magic happen.” The pumpkin didn’t respond. It was a pumpkin, after all. Garvin huffed. “You know, some witches get a talking cat. I get...you. A vegetable with a face. Great.” The broom next to him seemed to mock his lack of witchy credibility. But it wasn’t the broom’s fault that Garvin hadn’t quite mastered the whole “flying” thing. Or sweeping, for that matter. He gave it a kick for good measure. It did nothing, of course. With a dramatic flourish, he waved his hands, trying to summon something spooky, something powerful. “Abra...kadabra?” He paused, frowned. “Wait, no. Alaka-zam? Oh, whatever.” Nothing happened. Well, aside from a gust of wind that knocked over a nearby stack of firewood. Real spooky stuff. Frustrated, Garvin leaned back against the pumpkin and crossed his arms. “I’m starting to think this whole witchy gnome business is overrated. Do you know how much this stupid hat itches? And don't even get me started on these striped socks. They're cutting off circulation.” The pumpkin glowed, casting a warm light on Garvin’s disgruntled face. For a moment, the gnome just stared at it. Then, with a sigh, he nudged it again. “Look at you, all smug with your perfect little glowing grin. Bet you’re really proud of yourself, huh?” Suddenly, a bat flew overhead, casting a shadow across the moonlit yard. Garvin flinched, then quickly composed himself, pretending he hadn’t just jumped out of his skin. “Oh, yeah. That’s real original. A bat. On Halloween. Didn’t see that coming.” He rolled his eyes. But as the bat disappeared into the night, Garvin allowed a small smirk to creep across his face. Maybe tonight wasn’t so bad after all. After all, it was Halloween—a night for witches, gnomes, and all sorts of spooky mishaps. He picked up his broom, not to fly it (let’s not kid ourselves), but to lean on it like a walking stick. “Alright, pumpkin,” he said, “let’s go see if we can find some candy to ‘borrow.’ After all, if I can’t conjure magic, I can at least conjure up a sugar rush.” And with that, Garvin, the most sarcastic, spell-challenged gnome in the haunted hollow, shuffled off into the night, ready to cause just the slightest bit of mischief... or at least get his hands on some chocolate. The pumpkin, as usual, said nothing.     Bring Home the Mischief! Love Garvin the gnome and his magical, sarcastic adventures? Why not invite him into your home! Whether you're decorating for the spooky season or just want a quirky reminder of Halloween mischief, we’ve got you covered. Choose from a variety of products featuring "Spells, Pumpkins, and Gnome Mischief": Framed Prints – Add a touch of gnome magic to your walls with this beautifully framed print! Tapestries – Drape your space in whimsical charm with a cozy tapestry of Garvin and his pumpkin companion. Greeting Cards – Share the fun with friends and family with gnome-inspired Halloween greeting cards. Stickers – Slap some spooky, gnome-filled goodness on your laptop, notebook, or anywhere that needs a dash of Halloween fun! Embrace the enchantment with a touch of sarcasm – Garvin wouldn’t have it any other way!