by Bill Tiepelman
Guardian of the Golden Clover
Deep in the heart of the Emerald Glade, nestled between the Wobbly Hills and the River of Regrettable Decisions, lived Fergus O’Twinkleboots, the self-proclaimed Guardian of the Golden Clover. No one had asked him to be the guardian. No one particularly wanted him to be the guardian. But Fergus had appointed himself to the position, made himself a badge out of melted gold coins, and spent most of his days drinking, yelling at passersby, and setting up ridiculously impractical security measures. Fergus was a rare breed—a gnome-leprechaun hybrid, possessing both the fiery stubbornness of gnomes and the chaotic mischief of leprechauns. He was about two feet tall, with a beard so curly it could double as a bird’s nest, eyes that sparkled like freshly poured whiskey, and a green coat that was covered in so much gold embroidery, it looked like a dragon had sneezed on him. His hat was an architectural masterpiece—so curled and floppy that it required structural support (provided by a network of enchanted twigs). A Guardian’s Responsibilities (or Lack Thereof) The Golden Clover was no ordinary plant. It was said to be the luckiest of all clovers, granting limitless fortune to whoever touched it. Naturally, this meant that Fergus had exactly three responsibilities: Keep the Golden Clover safe. Make sure nobody stole it. Drink enough ale to forget about responsibilities one and two. He excelled at the third one. To deter thieves, Fergus had set up a variety of highly sophisticated booby traps, including: A set of enchanted bagpipes that played off-key sea shanties when stepped on. A squad of attack squirrels trained in aerial acrobatics (though they mostly just stole his snacks). A badger named Nigel who could scream at such a high frequency that people momentarily forgot their own names. A fake map labeled “Secret Shortcut to the Clover” that actually led adventurers into the Pit of Existential Dread, where a magical voice would whisper, “Why do you even want luck? Isn’t happiness the true goal?” Needless to say, the traps were effective. For years, Fergus remained undefeated. The Great Heist (And The Even Greater Hangover) One fateful night, Fergus found himself in his favorite drinking establishment, The Tipsy Goblin, engaged in an intense drinking competition against a particularly shady-looking elf named Darius the Dubiously Employed. “Ye think ye can outdrink me?” Fergus slurred, slamming down his 12th mug of clover ale. Darius smirked. “I don’t think, Fergus. I know.” This was, of course, a blatant lie. Nobody could outdrink Fergus O’Twinkleboots. However, Darius had a plan: get Fergus so spectacularly drunk that he passed out, allowing Darius’ team of thieves to steal the Golden Clover. It was, as plans went, quite solid. It also backfired spectacularly. The Heist Begins At precisely 2:43 AM, Darius’ crew tiptoed into the glade, confident that their leader had successfully incapacitated the Guardian. They were wrong. Fergus, despite his intoxicated state, had muscle memory. The moment his enchanted “Thief-Detection Alarm” (Nigel the Badger) let out an ear-piercing screech, Fergus reacted. With the grace of a drunken ballerina, he leapt out of bed, donned his hat (upside down, but still), and pressed the hidden button beneath his left boot, activating The Oh No Ye Don’t Mechanism. What followed was a series of escalating disasters: A trapdoor opened beneath the thieves, dumping them into the “Pit of Mild Inconvenience,” where they were immediately tangled in enchanted laundry lines. The attack squirrels (who had been bribed with walnuts earlier) betrayed Fergus and stole his cheese collection instead. The bagpipes began blaring an off-key rendition of “Danny Boy,” causing one thief to voluntarily surrender out of sheer emotional distress. Finally, the Final Defense System was activated—a giant boot on a spring, which launched the remaining thieves directly into the River of Regrettable Decisions. By the time Fergus had stumbled to the clearing, the only sign of the attempted robbery was a single abandoned shoe and the distant sound of a thief cursing as he floated downstream. “HA! That’s what ye GET, ye gobdaws!” Fergus shouted, swaying slightly. Then he promptly passed out in a bush. The Aftermath When Fergus awoke the next morning, head pounding like a drum at a goblin wedding, he found himself surrounded by several concerned villagers. “Fergus… did ye fight off an entire gang of thieves while drunk?” one asked. Fergus groaned. “Aye. But don’t worry. I took care of ‘em.” “How?” Fergus grinned, pointing a thumb at Nigel, who was now wearing one of the thieves’ hats. “With me secret weapon.” From that day forward, Fergus became a local legend. His exploits were sung in taverns, his traps became the stuff of adventurers' nightmares, and Nigel the Badger was promoted to Chief of Security, a title he took very seriously. And as for Fergus? Well, he went right back to drinking, yelling at tourists, and perfecting his latest trap: The Catapult of Shame, which launched particularly persistent thieves directly into their childhood homes. After all, a Guardian’s work is never done. Love the mischievous magic of Fergus O’Twinkleboots? You can own a piece of his legendary tale! This whimsical artwork, Guardian of the Golden Clover, is available for prints, downloads, and licensing in our Image Archive. Click below to explore: View & Purchase the Artwork
