by Bill Tiepelman
Game of Croaks and Oinks - Sword & Sass
Game of Croaks and Oinks In the verdant swamplands of Ribbitshire, Sir Kermit the Green—a noble knight of the Lily Order—had lived a life of quiet bravery. Across the border, in the porcine lands of Snoutholm, Lady Piggy of House Porcine reigned supreme, her iron will matched only by her love for luxury. Though their worlds were as different as mud and water, fate had other plans for the amphibian and the boar. The Tavern Incident It all began on a humid evening at The Crooked Tadpole, a tavern infamous for its watered-down mead and poorly thought-out open mic nights. Kermit, seeking a brief respite from courtly duties, was enjoying a mug of fermented fly beer when Piggy stormed in. Draped in a fur cloak and brimming with sass, she demanded the bartender “fetch something that doesn’t taste like a swamp boot.” The two locked eyes across the smoky room. Piggy scoffed, unimpressed by the quiet knight in the corner, while Kermit muttered under his breath, “Great. Another loudmouth noble.” Neither had planned to speak to the other. But when a drunken minstrel tripped, spilling an entire pitcher of mead on Piggy’s boots, her shriek of outrage shook the rafters. In the chaos, Kermit accidentally knocked over his chair, which toppled into the tavern’s taxidermy bear—a prize possession of the local lord. The bear collapsed, crushing the innkeeper’s prized lute and setting off a chain reaction that ended with the entire tavern on fire. In the aftermath, as villagers gathered to gawk at the flames, the local baron arrived, demanding to know who was responsible. Piggy, covered in soot, pointed dramatically at Kermit. “HIM!” she declared. “The green oaf!” Kermit retaliated with a calm yet cutting rebuttal. “I wasn’t the one screeching like a banshee and throwing furniture.” “HOW DARE YOU!” Piggy bellowed. Before anyone could stop her, she drew her jeweled dagger and lunged at him. Kermit, dodging expertly, slipped on a puddle of ale and knocked both of them into a rain barrel. By the time the baron managed to break up the brawl, the two were soaking wet, furious, and sentenced to repair the tavern together under threat of exile. The Coronation Chaos As luck—or misfortune—would have it, word of their "heroic" actions (completely exaggerated by a traveling bard) reached the king. Believing they had “selflessly” saved the tavern from total destruction, the king invited both Kermit and Piggy to the royal court for a feast in their honor. Neither wanted to go. Kermit hated pomp and circumstance, while Piggy found the whole ordeal beneath her. But refusing the king’s summons was a surefire way to lose one’s head—or at least one’s lands—so they begrudgingly attended. The feast began innocently enough, with roasted pheasant, honeyed figs, and a suspiciously slimy soup that only Kermit seemed to enjoy. However, as the evening progressed, things took a turn. A courtier made the mistake of calling Piggy “plump” in her presence, resulting in a well-aimed drumstick being launched across the room. Meanwhile, Kermit found himself in a heated debate with the king’s advisor about the ethical treatment of swamp creatures, which ended with the advisor storming off in a huff. The climax of the evening came when the king, slightly tipsy, declared, “These two should rule together! A frog and a pig—what a jolly jest!” The court erupted into laughter, but the king wasn’t joking. To Kermit and Piggy’s horror, the king had a marriage contract drawn up on the spot. Despite their protests, the document was signed and sealed before the feast was over. The Reluctant Rulers Now crowned King Croak and Queen Sass, the unlikely duo found themselves ruling the kingdom of Ribsnort, a newly united land combining Ribbitshire and Snoutholm. Their reign got off to a rocky start, with constant arguments over everything from castle decor (“No, Kermit, we are NOT hanging lily pads in the royal dining hall!”) to military strategy (“Piggy, I don’t think ‘charge in screaming’ is a viable plan.”). Their bickering, however, proved to be surprisingly effective. When an assassin attempted to poison the royal stew, Piggy’s insistence on sampling everything first saved Kermit’s life. When a rival lord attempted to stage a coup, Kermit’s calm negotiation skills (and Piggy’s ability to throw a chair like a catapult) managed to thwart the rebellion. The Unexpected Bond Over time, their mutual disdain turned into begrudging respect. Piggy admired Kermit’s wisdom and his ability to remain calm under pressure. Kermit, meanwhile, couldn’t help but admire Piggy’s fierce determination and her ability to command a room. The pair began to work together, combining their strengths to rule Ribsnort with a unique blend of diplomacy and sass. Their subjects adored them, often referring to them as “the bickering parents of the realm.” Even the king, who had initially orchestrated their union as a joke, admitted they were surprisingly effective leaders. The Legacy of Croak and Sass Years later, bards would sing of King Croak and Queen Sass, the frog and the boar who turned a drunken tavern brawl into a legendary reign. They were remembered not just for their unconventional partnership, but for proving that even the most unlikely pairings could create something extraordinary. And though they’d never admit it, late at night, in the privacy of the royal chambers, Kermit and Piggy would often laugh about how it all began—with a spilled mug of mead and a burning tavern. Bring "Sword & Sass" Into Your World Celebrate the epic saga of King Croak and Queen Sass with exclusive merchandise! Whether you're a fan of fantasy humor, whimsical art, or unforgettable characters, these products are perfect additions to your collection—or the ideal gift for a fellow adventurer. Explore the options below: Tapestry: Transform any space with the bold and whimsical artwork of Sword & Sass, perfect for a dramatic flair in your home. Canvas Print: Elevate your walls with this stunning piece of fantasy art, a perfect centerpiece for any room. Puzzle: Dive into the details of this epic artwork piece by piece with a high-quality puzzle that’s as fun as the story itself. Spiral Notebook: Take your notes or jot down your own epic tales in a notebook that’s as unique as your imagination. Visit the full collection at our shop and bring the legend of Sword & Sass into your world today!
