by Bill Tiepelman
Old Magic and Stale Ale
The Pint of No Return Gorbwick the Grumpy Fae was having a day. A long, painful, gods-forsaken kind of day. The kind of day that made him question why he ever bothered getting out of his moss-covered bed. His wings, once shimmering gold and translucent like the morning dew, now looked like someone had used them to wipe up a particularly messy bar brawl. His tunic, which had probably been green in some distant past, was now a patchwork of ale stains, mud, and the occasional mysterious substance that he didn’t care to investigate. And worst of all? His beer was too damn foamy. “For fuck’s sake,” he grumbled, watching as another dollop of foam dribbled over the side of his wooden mug and plopped onto his bare foot. “Is it too much to ask for a proper pour? This is why I drink at home.” The bartender, a willowy dryad with an attitude as thorny as her ivy-wrapped arms, rolled her eyes. “You don’t have a home, Gorbwick. You have a tree stump that smells like regret.” “A tree stump is a home if you believe hard enough.” He took a long, slow sip of his ale, glaring at the world as if it had personally wronged him. Which, to be fair, it had. Once upon a time, he had been a trickster, a legend, a mischievous little shit whose name was whispered in taverns with a mixture of awe and irritation. Now? Now he was just the cranky bastard who never tipped. And that, dear gods, was unacceptable. “You know what?” he said suddenly, slamming his mug down on the counter. “I’m done with this. Done with the self-pity, the sitting around, the endless fucking drinking—” “You literally started today with a breakfast beer,” the dryad pointed out. “—Done, I say!” Gorbwick continued, ignoring her. “It’s time for a comeback.” “Oh no.” “Oh yes.” He stood up dramatically. At least, he tried. His left leg had fallen asleep, and instead of rising like a victorious warrior, he wobbled like a drunken goat. The dryad sighed. “You’re going to embarrass yourself.” “That’s how all the best stories start.” And with that, Gorbwick the Grumpy Fae, washed-up legend, set out on a grand new adventure—the first step of which was, of course, stumbling over a root and landing face-first in the dirt. The comeback was off to a fantastic start. A Fae, a Fool, and a Fistful of Bad Decisions Gorbwick peeled his face off the dirt with all the grace of a snail getting evicted from its shell. He spat out a mouthful of moss, muttered a curse that made a nearby squirrel cover its ears, and staggered to his feet. The comeback was still on. “Where the hell are you even going?” the dryad bartender called after him. “Adventure, my dear Twigs, adventure!” he shouted over his shoulder. Her actual name was Lissandra, but Gorbwick had been calling her Twigs for years, mostly because it annoyed the absolute shit out of her. “Well, at least let me get you some pants first!” she yelled. Gorbwick glanced down. Ah. That explained the draft. “No time! The wind shall cradle my nethers like a gentle lover!” “You’re gonna get arrested.” “Only if I get caught!” With that, he stumbled deeper into the forest, barefoot, pantless, and fueled by equal parts determination and whatever questionable liquor still sloshed around his gut. His goal? He had no idea. His strategy? None. His plan? Absolute nonsense. And that’s when he walked straight into the Goblin Mafia. A Poorly Timed Introduction Now, goblins are many things—shrewd, ugly, a little too enthusiastic about stabbing—but they were also businessmen. And business, on this particular evening, was going down in a clearing just past Gorbwick’s favorite piss-tree. Unfortunately, Gorbwick did not know this. Because Gorbwick, despite his magical heritage, was not what anyone would call “observant.” “Well, well, well,” drawled a greasy voice from the shadows. “Look what we got here.” Gorbwick blinked. Five goblins stood before him, dressed in ragged vests, fingerless gloves, and the kind of trousers that screamed, “I live in a hole but want to look professional.” At their feet were wooden crates labeled ‘DO NOT TOUCH OR YOU WILL BE STABBED’—a very specific warning. The lead goblin stepped forward. He had a face like a pug that had lost a fistfight and a permanent sneer that suggested he didn’t particularly like his own existence. “You lost, fairy boy?” Gorbwick dusted himself off, doing his best to stand tall despite the fact that he was very obviously half-dressed and covered in dirt. “I, good sirs, am not lost! I am merely… uh… assessing the perimeter.” The goblins looked at each other. “What?” “You know. Scouting.” “For who?” “…Future me.” The pug-faced goblin, whom Gorbwick now mentally named Squintsy, narrowed his beady eyes. “You a cop?” Gorbwick snorted. “Do I look like a cop?” Another goblin, this one with a tooth so long it curved over his bottom lip, leaned in. “Kinda, yeah.” “Oh, piss off.” Gorbwick sighed and crossed his arms. “Look, I don’t know what you little shits are smuggling, but I’m not here to mess with your business. I’m on an adventure.” “An adventure.” Squintsy deadpanned. “Yes.” “And you just happened to walk into our highly illegal, very secret deal?” “Yes.” “With no pants?” “…Yes.” The goblins mulled this over. Finally, Squintsy sighed and rubbed his face. “Okay. We’re gonna have to kill you.” Gorbwick threw up his hands. “Oh, come on. That’s excessive.” “Rules are rules.” “Can’t you just, I don’t know, kick me in the shin and call it a day?” “Nah, see, we’ve got a reputation to maintain.” “Oh, for fuck’s sake—” Before Gorbwick could finish, there was a loud crash. A wooden crate burst open, spilling its contents everywhere. Glittering, shimmering, bouncing contents. Pixie dust. Loads of it. A Brilliantly Terrible Idea Every goblin froze. Pixie dust was a tricky thing. In small doses, it could make you light on your feet. In moderate doses, it could make you float. But in high doses? It could turn an entire bar fight into a floating, screaming disaster. Gorbwick grinned. “No,” Squintsy said immediately. “No. Don’t even think about it.” Too late. Gorbwick lunged, grabbing two fistfuls of stolen pixie dust and launching himself backward, throwing the sparkling powder into the air like a deranged carnival performer. Chaos. One goblin shot straight into the tree canopy, screaming bloody murder. Another spun in midair, flailing as if he were trying to swim through honey. Squintsy, who had clearly been through this shit before, just sighed and let himself hover two feet off the ground. Gorbwick? Gorbwick rocketed up like a fucking firework. “WOOHOOOOO!” The world became a blur of treetops and moonlight as he spiraled uncontrollably through the sky. His wings, pathetic as they were, fluttered uselessly against the sheer force of pixie-fueled propulsion. Somewhere below, Squintsy’s voice echoed through the forest: “I hate fairies.” Gorbwick didn’t care. He was flying! He was free! He was— Oh. Oh no. He was losing altitude. “Oh, sh—” Gravity kicked back in like a pissed-off landlord, and Gorbwick plummeted toward the ground. He crashed through a tree, smacked into a branch, tumbled through a bush, and finally landed— —right back at the tavern’s doorstep. Lissandra the Dryad looked down at him. “So. How’d the ‘adventure’ go?” Gorbwick groaned. “I need another beer.” “Told you.” And with that, the grand comeback of Gorbwick the Grumpy Fae ended exactly where it began—on his ass, in the dirt, with a desperate need for alcohol. Take a Piece of Gorbwick’s Grumpy Glory Home Love Gorbwick's cranky, chaotic energy? Bring a bit of his misadventure into your space with Old Magic and Stale Ale—available as high-quality tapestries, canvas prints, tote bags, and even throw pillows for the ultimate fae-approved lounging. Perfect for lovers of fantasy, humor, and a touch of grumpy goblin magic, these unique pieces are a must-have for any adventurer—whether you're stumbling through a forest or just trying to survive another Monday. Shop now and let Gorbwick’s legendary attitude take up residence in your home!
