by Bill Tiepelman
The Mush-room for Debate
There was peace in the forest. Well, there had been peace in the forest until Gilda and Bramble started upโagain. โFor the last time, Bramble,โ Gilda huffed, arms crossed so tightly that even the wildflowers in her crown looked nervous, โyou cannot put mushrooms in everything! This isnโt some foraged gourmet forest bistro. I donโt care what you heard from the squirrels!โ Across from her, Bramble, ever the optimist (or so he called himselfโGilda had other words for it), grinned through his bushy beard. His oversized hat tilted to one side, festooned with more flowers and mushrooms than any self-respecting gnome should wear. โNow, now,โ he said, holding up a finger like he was about to impart ancient wisdom. โYouโre not giving these little beauties enough credit. Mushrooms are the foundation of all culinary genius. Why, without themโโ โWeโd be eating something that doesnโt taste like dirt,โ Gilda cut in, her cheeks flushing a deeper pink. โYou put mushrooms in the soup, mushrooms in the stew, you even tried to sneak them into my tea! If I wanted everything to taste like the bottom of my shoe, Iโdโโ โWait, wait, wait!โ Bramble interjected, eyes twinkling with mischief. โHow do you know what the bottom of your shoe tastes like? Been nibbling on your boots again, eh? I told you, Gilda, thereโs tastier snacks out here, and guess what? Theyโre mushrooms!โ Gilda stared at him, deadpan. โYou are going to be the death of me, Bramble. Or, at the very least, the death of my appetite.โ She turned and motioned at the forest around them. โThere are thousands of other ingredients in this entire forest. Berries, herbs, nutsโฆ Why, I even saw a deer the other dayโโ โOh-ho!โ Bramble piped up, waggling his finger. โLook whoโs thinking about eating Bambi now. And you called me the barbarian.โ He stuck his tongue out, clearly enjoying himself far too much. โThe deer is off the menu, obviously,โ Gilda replied with a sigh. โBut we have options, Bramble! You donโt need to make every meal a mushroom festival.โ Bramble leaned in, eyes narrowing in mock suspicion. โTell me something, Gilda. Why the sudden anti-fungus agenda? What did mushrooms ever do to you? Did one offend you in your sleep? Did itโgaspโtouch your flower crown?โ Gilda threw her hands up in exasperation. โThey donโt have to do anything! Itโs just common sense not to base your entire diet on something that grows in the dark and smells like... decay!โ She glanced at the mushrooms around them, their caps glistening with morning dew. They seemed to be taunting her now, all of them smugly rooted in place as Brambleโs best allies. โAh, thatโs where youโre wrong,โ Bramble said, raising a finger in triumph. โMushrooms are versatile, robust, and quite fashionable, if I do say so myself.โ He adjusted the tiny mushroom growing out of his hat for emphasis. โThey go with everything. Look at this beauty!โ He gestured to the enormous mushroom behind him, its bright red cap looming over them both like an umbrella. โYouโre telling me you wouldnโt want this in your living room? Decorative and delicious!โ โBramble, if you put that in the house, I swear I will burn it down myself. And then where will we live? Under another mushroom?โ Gilda shot back. Bramble scratched his beard, pretending to consider. โHmmโฆ I do hear theyโre quite spacious if you hollow them out. Cozy, even. Could be the start of a trendโmushroom living, eco-friendly and efficient!โ He raised his eyebrows as if he were a revolutionary genius. โPlus, think of the convenienceโif you get hungry in the middle of the night, just nibble on the wall!โ Gilda groaned, dragging a hand down her face. โThe only thing Iโll be nibbling on is my last bit of sanity.โ She turned away, mumbling to herself. โI should have married that wood sprite. He at least knew how to cook something besides fungus.โ Bramble, undeterred, sidled up beside her, still grinning. โCome now, love. Donโt be such a sourberry. Mushrooms are good for you! Full of fiber, antioxidants, and a little earthy mystery. Besides, without them, what would you complain about? Iโm doing you a favor, really.โ Gilda shot him a look that could have frozen lava. โOh, believe me, I would find something. Youโre a never-ending source of complaints.โ Brambleโs grin only widened. โThatโs the spirit! See? This is why we make such a good team. You keep me grounded, and I keep you on your toes. Or at least, toe-deep in mushrooms.โ Gilda rolled her eyes but couldnโt help a small smirk creeping up on her lips. โIf you even think about adding mushrooms to dessert tonight, I will relocate you to the shed. Permanently.โ โFine, fine. No mushrooms in the dessertโฆ this time,โ Bramble relented, his expression still far too gleeful for her liking. As they walked back to their cozy home nestled in the woods, Bramble hummed a merry tune, while Gilda muttered under her breath, something about โone more mushroom and Iโm moving into the berry patch.โ The sun began to set, casting a golden glow over the forest, and the mushrooms around them sparkled in the soft light. It would have been peaceful, serene evenโif not for Brambleโs sudden outburst. โOh! Wait! What if we made mushroom-flavored jam? Itโd be revolutionary! Sweet, savory, a real fusion ofโโ โBRAMBLE!โ And so, the great mushroom debate continued, as eternal as their love, and just as frustrating. ย ย
