sarcastic cat

by Bill Tiepelman

Mystical Feline in Enchanted Forest

Some things just don't make sense in life: how you can go from binge-watching TV to hiking in an enchanted forest in the blink of an eye is one of them. Seriously, I was *minding my own business*—snacks, blankets, the works—when I found myself face-first in moss. And not just any moss, but the kind that seems to glow. That’s when I realized, oh great, I’m not in Kansas anymore. But I sure didn’t sign up for Narnia either. “You’re late,” a voice purred from above. I looked up and nearly choked on my breath. Sitting on a low-hanging branch was a cat. No, scratch that. This was some sort of winged feline diva—because of course, in a magical forest, cats would have wings. And not just wings, but pink and purple swirls that looked like they were ripped out of a fractal dream. It was the type of creature you’d imagine if Salvador Dalí decided to moonlight as a fantasy writer. “Excuse me?” I asked, already sensing this wasn’t going to be a casual encounter. The cat, a.k.a. 'Flying Furball of Attitude,' didn’t even bother to look down at me. Typical cat behavior, really. “I said you’re late. For the prophecy,” it replied, licking one paw as though this whole conversation was boring it to tears. I had a million questions but started with the obvious. “Prophecy? Like, the chosen one kind of prophecy?” The cat finally gave me a slow blink, the type that screamed ‘I’m way too good for this,’ before hopping down from the branch, fluttering its ridiculous wings like a faerie high on catnip. “Oh please, don't flatter yourself. You’re not the chosen one. That spot was filled centuries ago, trust me. You, darling, are the expendable one.” I blinked. “The what?” “The expendable one. You know, the one who bumbles into the mystical forest, stirs up some long-forgotten curse, narrowly avoids death but probably won’t get laid in the process, and ends up helping me in some tedious, inevitable battle. You know, *that one*.” This cat had an unhealthy amount of snark. But honestly, I was too disoriented to keep up. “Right… so what’s the deal here? Am I supposed to follow you? Are you going to give me magical powers or something?” The cat gave a soft chuckle, as if I’d just asked the dumbest question in the world—which, to be fair, might be true. “Magical powers? Oh, sweetie. No, no, no. I’m the one with the powers. You’re just here to, well, survive. Preferably.” It turned and began to saunter down the path, its tail flicking like it owned the place. I had no choice but to follow, stepping over glowing mushrooms and strange, whispering vines. The further we walked, the more the forest around us seemed to come alive. Literally. I swear one of the trees winked at me. The Forest’s Test “So what kind of ‘test’ is this prophecy about?” I asked, trying not to sound too panicked as the ground started to hum beneath my feet. The cat yawned, utterly unimpressed by the sudden appearance of mist rolling in from…well, nowhere. “It’s not really a ‘test,’ per se. More like a series of inconvenient, life-threatening obstacles designed to make you wish you’d never left your couch. But don’t worry, I’ll be there—probably mocking you from the sidelines.” “Oh joy. I feel so much better,” I muttered, kicking a pebble only to watch it immediately turn into a frog and hop away. I hoped that wasn't an omen. Just then, the forest darkened. The sun, which had been cheerily filtering through the trees, disappeared, and the shadows grew long. And from the distance? A deep, guttural growl. Of course. Of course there’d be a growl. The cat’s ears perked up, and it smirked. “Ah, there’s our welcoming party. You should probably run now.” I didn’t wait for further instruction. I took off, sprinting between trees that seemed to shift and move as I ran. The growl got louder, and out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of something massive—a hulking shadow with glowing eyes, baring fangs the size of my forearm. “Any advice?” I shouted, dodging a root that tried to trip me up. The cat glided effortlessly beside me, flapping its wings just enough to stay airborne. “Advice? Hmmm, well, don't die. That would be inconvenient for me. And also—duck!” Without thinking, I dropped to the ground, just as a massive claw swung through the air where my head had been. I scrambled back up, my heart pounding so hard it felt like it might burst from my chest. Plot Twist And then, just when I thought I was about to become forest creature chow, the cat let out a sharp, ear-piercing yowl. The hulking shadow froze, mid-lunge, its eyes narrowing at the tiny winged menace floating between us. “That’s enough,” the cat hissed, and to my utter shock, the monster actually stopped. “What…?” I panted, trying to catch my breath, my mind racing to make sense of what just happened. “Oh, did I not mention?” the cat said with a lazy stretch. “The beast was part of the test. He’s my cousin. He just likes to mess with the newbies. You’re welcome.” I gaped at the cat, my disbelief palpable. “Your cousin? You’re telling me I almost got mauled to death by your *cousin*?” “Yes, well, you humans are so dramatic. Honestly, you should’ve seen your face. It was priceless.” The massive creature—who now looked far less terrifying and more like an oversized puppy with bat wings—snorted, as if in agreement. I couldn’t believe it. I had been duped by a faerie cat and its oversized bat-puppy cousin. Lesson Learned? I glared at the cat, crossing my arms. “So what now? Do I win? Is the prophecy fulfilled?” “Oh, we’re just getting started, my dear,” the cat purred, fluttering its wings again as it took off, leading the way deeper into the forest. “But if you make it through the next part alive, I’ll tell you what’s really at stake. Let’s just say it involves more than just your average 'happily ever after.’” With a sigh, I trudged after the winged nuisance, knowing deep down that I was in way over my head. But something told me that if I survived this, I’d have a hell of a story to tell. Assuming I didn’t end up as beast food first. And thus, with every step deeper into the forest, I found myself on the most ridiculous, dangerous, and sarcastically narrated adventure of my life.     Take the Magic Home Feeling enchanted yet? If you survived this wild ride with our snarky, winged feline guide, you’ll want to take a piece of the magic with you. Whether you’re lounging on the couch dreaming of your own mystical adventures or adding a touch of whimsy to your walls, we’ve got you covered. Check out these enchanting products featuring the very "Mystical Feline in Enchanted Forest" that started it all: Throw Pillow – Perfect for those times you want to curl up like a cat after a day of dodging mystical beasts. Tapestry – Add a magical backdrop to your space with this beautiful artwork hanging on your wall. Tote Bag – Whether you're off on a real-world adventure or just need a mystical accessory, this tote has you covered. Framed Print – Bring home a piece of the enchanted forest with a stunning framed print to elevate your living space. Each item is a perfect reminder of the faerie cat's snarky wisdom and the magical chaos of the enchanted forest. Who knows? Maybe having a piece of it in your home will inspire your own next great adventure.