by Bill Tiepelman
Beard, Boots, and Baby Dragon
Deep in the heart of the Widdershins Woods, where the moss grew thick enough to hide bad decisions and the mushrooms leaned in like gossiping aunties, lived a gnome named Grimble Stumbletoe. Grimble was small, round, boot-heavy, beard-heavy, and blessed with the sort of face that looked like it had argued with weather for sixty years and lost only twice. He wore a sagging brown hat embroidered with mysterious patterns, none of which meant anything noble, although Grimble once claimed they were “ancient runes of protection.” In truth, they were stains, threadbare patches, and one burned spot shaped suspiciously like a duck. His beard tumbled down his chest in great silver waves, magnificent enough to earn admiration from respectable woodland folk and flammable enough to keep everyone concerned. His boots were another matter entirely. Large, brown, battered, and apparently built from the hide of some extinct beast with attitude problems, they announced his arrival before his mouth did. Which was impressive, because Grimble’s mouth was famous for arriving early, staying late, and insulting the furniture. But for all his questionable hygiene, unreliable manners, and lifelong commitment to being a nuisance, Grimble was not alone. Curled against him, clinging to his arm, or occasionally trying to chew the buckles off his belt was Sizzle, a baby dragon no larger than a plump house cat but already convinced he was the blazing doom of kingdoms. Sizzle had slate-blue scales, a gold-plated belly, horns like little crooked candle flames, and wings so brilliantly orange they looked as if autumn itself had been slapped onto leather and told to behave. He also had a mouth full of tiny teeth, an enthusiasm for chaos, and the emotional restraint of a drunk pixie at a cake auction. Together, Grimble and Sizzle were the most troublesome pair in Widdershins Woods. Some called them heroes. Some called them menaces. Most called them from a safe distance. The Little Menace Beneath the Foxgloves Grimble found Sizzle on a morning that had already gone poorly. For starters, his left boot had filled with rainwater overnight, despite there being no rain. His kettle had been stolen by a raccoon with the dead-eyed confidence of a professional criminal. And old Miss Frumpel, the mushroom widow who lived beneath a red-capped toadstool, had posted yet another notice on the community stump reading: “Residents are kindly asked to refrain from shouting profanity at squirrels before breakfast.” Grimble had responded by shouting, “Squirrels can read now? Well, that explains the smug little bastards.” It was while searching for his kettle, his dignity, and possibly breakfast that he heard the rustling beneath the foxgloves. Now, sensible woodland folk do not investigate strange noises beneath foxgloves. Foxgloves are beautiful, yes, but they also tend to attract bees, witches, enchanted beetles, dramatic frogs, and once, briefly, a wandering accordion player who refused to leave until someone praised his “emotional range.” Grimble, however, had never been accused of being sensible by anyone sober. He shoved aside the pink bell-shaped flowers, squinted beneath a mushroom cap, and found a tiny dragon curled in the damp moss like a forgotten coal from a magical fireplace. The creature blinked one enormous eye at him, then the other. His wings were wrapped tight around his body, his tail tucked beneath his chin, and his expression suggested that the world had disappointed him already. “Well,” Grimble said, scratching his beard, “aren’t you an ugly little bugger?” The baby dragon sneezed. A puff of flame shot from his mouth and set Grimble’s beard on fire. For three full seconds, the Widdershins Woods knew peace. Then Grimble shrieked, slapped his own chin, rolled through a patch of wet moss, kicked over a mushroom, insulted four generations of imaginary dragon ancestors, and finally sat up smoking from the mouth down. The baby dragon stared at him with bright, curious eyes. Grimble stared back. Then he laughed. Not politely. Not gently. Grimble laughed like a rusty hinge being tickled by a goblin. He laughed until the squirrels fled. He laughed until Miss Frumpel slammed her tiny round window shut. He laughed until the dragon’s ears perked up and his little spiked head tilted sideways in what might have been confusion or judgment. “Ah,” Grimble said, wiping soot from his mustache, “you’ve got spirit. Terrible aim, but spirit.” The dragon opened his mouth again. “Nope.” Grimble held up a finger. “You scorch the beard twice before noon, and we’re no longer friends. That’s a boundary, that is.” The dragon sneezed again, this time sending only a tiny curl of smoke into the air. “There we are.” Grimble nodded. “Progress. Low standards, but progress.” He named him Sizzle by lunchtime, after the little dragon bit into Grimble’s stolen kettle, sneezed inside it, and cooked the rainwater into steam. Grimble took this as a sign of usefulness. Sizzle took it as a sign that metal was delicious. Neither of them was completely right, but that rarely stopped them. From that day forward, Sizzle followed Grimble everywhere. Through fern thickets. Across mossy stones. Into abandoned badger tunnels. Behind taverns. Under bridges. Occasionally into situations that had no business involving either of them, especially after dark. Grimble raised the baby dragon as best he could, which is to say poorly but with conviction. He taught Sizzle how to sit, although Sizzle preferred perching on his shoulder and digging tiny claws into his vest. He taught him how to hunt beetles, though Sizzle preferred roasting them first and making the entire clearing smell like burnt nutshells. He taught him how to glare at strangers, steal sausage ends from unattended plates, and avoid eating mushrooms with spots shaped like screaming faces. “Those ones make you see tomorrow,” Grimble warned him once. “And tomorrow is usually unpaid bills and back pain, so don’t bother.” Sizzle listened. Mostly. Every morning, Grimble would stomp out of his hollowed-out tree, stretch until his joints sounded like a bag of dropped spoons, and inhale deeply. “Ah, smell that, Sizzle,” he’d say. “Fresh moss, damp stone, wildflowers, and something dead behind the brambles. Nature’s perfume.” Sizzle would sniff, blink solemnly, and give a small approving chirp. Breakfast was whatever could be found, stolen, bartered, trapped, traded, or bullied away from something smaller than Grimble. Mushrooms were common. Stale bread was a luxury. Acorns were only eaten under extreme circumstances or after losing a bet. On rare fine days, Grimble would cook root cakes over a small fire while Sizzle hovered nearby, trying to help by breathing flames at everything except the cooking pot. “Not the hat,” Grimble snapped one morning as Sizzle’s nostrils glowed. “Anything but the hat. This hat has seen things. Mostly because I was wearing it when I saw them, but still.” Sizzle chirped and flapped his wings. “Don’t give me that innocent face. You have the innocent face of a weasel in a pie shop.” By midday, they usually wandered. Grimble claimed he was patrolling the woods. Miss Frumpel claimed he was avoiding chores. The owls claimed nothing at all, but only because Grimble had once threatened to charge them rent for staring at him. There were paths in Widdershins Woods, though none could be trusted. Some moved when you weren’t looking. Some led in circles out of spite. One path near the western creek led only to an apologetic shrubbery and a pair of shoes nobody admitted owning. Grimble knew them all, not because he was wise, but because he had gotten lost on each of them often enough to form opinions. “A map is a coward’s blanket,” he liked to say. “That’s because you can’t read one,” Miss Frumpel replied once. “I can read plenty.” “You held it upside down and used it as a napkin.” “Multifunctional literacy,” Grimble said, and Sizzle sneezed smoke like he agreed. For all his bluster, Grimble loved the woods. He loved the dripping stone walls half-swallowed by ivy, the mushrooms glowing faintly under moonlight, the purple foxgloves nodding along the trails, the secret hollows beneath tree roots, and the endless damp green smell of things growing where they absolutely pleased. And, though he would deny it loudly and perhaps throw a pinecone at anyone who suggested it, he loved Sizzle most of all. He loved the way the baby dragon tucked his head under Grimble’s beard during thunderstorms. He loved the way Sizzle growled at shadows twice his size and then hid behind a boot when the shadow moved. He loved the way Sizzle tried to roar every evening at sunset, producing a noise somewhere between a kettle whistle and an insulted chicken. “Terrifying,” Grimble would say gravely. “Absolutely bone-chilling. Somewhere, a turnip has fainted.” Sizzle would puff himself up, delighted. That was their life: moss, mushrooms, insults, smoke, and occasional petty theft. Until the morning Grimble’s left boot disappeared. A Shiny Young Fool and a Path That Lied for a Living Grimble discovered the theft with a scream that startled birds from three trees, woke a sleeping badger, and caused Miss Frumpel to spill tea down her front. “My boot!” he bellowed. “My left boot! Agnes is gone!” Yes, Grimble had named his boots. The left one was Agnes. The right one was Mildred. He claimed they had personalities. Agnes was loyal, dependable, and smelled faintly of onion. Mildred was suspicious, judgmental, and had once been used to stun a troll. Whether this counted as personality or merely fungal damage was a matter of debate. Sizzle waddled in a circle, sniffing the moss near Grimble’s sleeping stump. He lowered his scaled snout to the ground, inhaled dramatically, and sneezed hard enough to singe a beetle. “Well?” Grimble asked. Sizzle pointed one claw toward the northern brambles. Grimble narrowed his eyes. “Goblin stink.” Sizzle nodded. “And onion.” Sizzle nodded again. Grimble clutched his remaining boot to his chest. “They’ve taken Agnes.” From her toadstool porch, Miss Frumpel sighed. “Perhaps they mistook it for a dwelling.” “Careful, Frumpel,” Grimble snapped. “You’re one lace away from a strongly worded gesture.” “You haven’t strongly worded anything in your life. You just swear until birds leave.” “Effective communication comes in many forms.” Sizzle hissed at the brambles. Grimble jammed Mildred onto his right foot, wrapped his bare left foot in a rag, grabbed his rusted dagger, and stomp-limped toward the trail. “Come on, Sizzle,” he said. “Nobody steals a gnome’s boot and lives peacefully with both nostrils.” They had gone less than half a mile before they found the young man. He stood in the middle of the path wearing shining armor, a polished breastplate, silver-trimmed gloves, and a helmet so clean it looked like it had never been introduced to weather. He held a map upside down, which immediately made Grimble dislike him less than he expected. “Excuse me!” the young man called. “Good sir! Might you know the way to the Great Elven Temple?” Grimble stopped. Sizzle stopped. A squirrel stopped, sensing entertainment. “Good sir?” Grimble repeated. “Yes.” “You talking to me?” “I believe so.” Grimble looked down at his bare rag-wrapped foot, then at his soot-streaked beard, then at the dragon perched beside him, chewing thoughtfully on a twig that had done nothing wrong. “Boy,” Grimble said, “your judgment is already in the ditch.” The young man swallowed. “My name is Cedric Larkspur, apprentice of the Order of the Gilded Fern. I seek the Temple of Lethandriel, where the Silver Lantern of Kindly Directions has been stolen by goblins.” Grimble blinked. “The what of what now?” “The Silver Lantern of Kindly Directions,” Cedric repeated. “It is an ancient elven relic that guides lost travelers home.” Grimble barked a laugh. “Well, that explains why the path behind the creek led me to my own backside yesterday.” Cedric frowned. “I beg your pardon?” “Keep begging. You’re dressed for it.” Sizzle gave a tiny chirp that sounded suspiciously like laughter. Cedric leaned sideways to look at him. “Is that a dragon?” Grimble’s expression changed. It was subtle, but Sizzle noticed. Grimble’s hand lowered to rest lightly on the baby dragon’s back. His eyes, usually bright with mischief, narrowed into something old and sharp. “No,” Grimble said. “He’s a cabbage with wings.” Cedric flushed. “I only meant—he’s magnificent.” Sizzle puffed up immediately. “Don’t encourage him,” Grimble said. “He already thinks he’s the flaming doom of breakfast.” “The goblins who stole the lantern,” Cedric continued carefully, “were seen near Snarglecap Hill. There were rumors they had other stolen goods as well. Boots, bells, silverware, a priest’s wig, several enchanted spoons, and…” “Boots?” Grimble said. “Yes.” “What kind of boots?” “I didn’t ask.” “Of course you didn’t. Nobody ever thinks to ask the important questions.” Cedric lowered the map. “Will you help me?” “No.” Sizzle stared at Grimble. “Absolutely not.” Sizzle continued staring. “Don’t look at me like that.” Sizzle blinked slowly. “He’s a shiny lad with a lantern problem. We are boot people.” Sizzle pointed one claw toward the north. “Fine,” Grimble muttered. “But only because Agnes may be involved. Not because I care about elves, lanterns, or this polished spoon of a man.” Cedric straightened. “You have my gratitude.” “Keep it. Does it buy lunch?” “No.” “Then it’s useless.” So the three of them set off: Cedric in his shining armor, Grimble in one boot and a rag, and Sizzle trotting between them with his wings half-spread, thrilled to be included in something that smelled like danger. The northern path was not friendly. It twisted through fern beds and thorn tunnels, over slick stones and beneath arching roots. The trees leaned close, murmuring in creaks and leaf-whispers. Somewhere overhead, owls watched with the solemn disapproval of unpaid judges. “Do the trees always sound like that?” Cedric asked. “Only when they’re bored,” Grimble replied. “And are they bored now?” “You’re asking a gnome with one boot and a baby dragon. Take a guess.” They crossed a creek where the water ran backward every third minute. They passed a ring of mushrooms that bowed politely until Grimble warned Cedric not to bow back. “Why not?” Cedric whispered. “Because then they think you’ve accepted office.” “Office?” “Mushroom politics. Nasty business. Too many committees. Too much damp.” Sizzle paused at the mushroom ring and sneezed sparks. The mushrooms recoiled. “That’s my boy,” Grimble said proudly. “Diplomacy.” By afternoon they reached the old stone wall that marked the beginning of goblin territory. It ran crooked through the woods, half-collapsed and moss-eaten, with purple flowers growing between its cracks. Beyond it, the trees seemed shorter, meaner, and more interested in watching people trip. Cedric lifted his sword. Grimble lowered it with two fingers. “First rule of goblins,” he said. “Don’t point the expensive shiny thing unless you’re ready to lose it.” “What should I do?” “Look poor.” Cedric glanced down at his gleaming armor. “Too late,” Grimble said. Sizzle sniffed the ground again. Smoke curled from his nostrils. He let out a low growl, deeper than his usual squeaks, and Grimble’s jokes faded for a moment. There, pressed into the mud beside the wall, was the print of a goblin foot. Beside it was the square, deep impression of a boot heel. Agnes. Grimble knelt slowly and touched the print. “Those green-nosed little pantry rats,” he whispered. Cedric looked uncomfortable. “It is only a boot.” Grimble turned his head. Cedric took one step back. “Only a boot?” Grimble said softly. “That boot carried me out of a troll wedding, across the Mudfen Flats, through the cellar of the Crooked Goat Tavern during a cheese riot, and away from three tax collectors who were faster than they looked. Agnes has seen more life than your entire helmet.” Cedric nodded quickly. “A noble boot.” “Damn right.” Sizzle pressed his little snout against Grimble’s shoulder. Grimble gave him a rough pat. “Don’t worry. We’ll get her back. And if they’ve scratched the buckle, I’m doing something dramatic.” “What sort of dramatic?” Cedric asked. “I haven’t decided yet. But it’ll involve yelling.” They followed the tracks until dusk draped itself over the woods. Ahead, through the tangled branches, they saw firelight flickering against stone. They smelled smoke, stew, wet leather, cheap ale, and goblin confidence. They heard singing. It was bad singing. Not ordinary bad, either. Goblin bad. The kind of bad that sounded like someone throwing a sack of spoons down a stairwell and insisting it had a chorus. Grimble parted the leaves and peered into the hollow below. There, beneath Snarglecap Hill, sprawled a goblin camp. Dozens of crooked tents leaned around a smoky fire. Loot lay piled everywhere: silver plates, jeweled combs, cracked mirrors, rusty helmets, temple bells, a priest’s wig hanging from a spear, and three crates labeled Definitely Not Stolen. At the center of it all, raised on a flat stone like a throne, sat a goblin chief with a nose like a rotten pear and a crown made of bent forks. And on his lap, filled with soup, was Grimble’s left boot. Agnes. Grimble made a noise so quiet and furious that even the owls stopped judging. Sizzle’s spines rose along his back. Cedric whispered, “Is that your boot?” “That,” Grimble said, “is a declaration of war.” The Goblin Hoard, the Stolen Boot, and the Roar That Finally Found Its Teeth The goblin chief lifted Agnes to his mouth and drank from her. Grimble’s left eye twitched. “I’m going to peel him,” he said. “We need a plan,” Cedric whispered. “That was the plan.” “A better plan.” Grimble glared at the hollow. “Fine. You walk in first, all shiny and noble. They get distracted by your expensive kneecaps. I sneak around the side, retrieve Agnes, steal the lantern, insult someone’s mother, and then Sizzle sets fire to something emotionally important.” Sizzle chirped approvingly. Cedric looked horrified. “That is not a plan. That is a crime with choreography.” “Most good plans are.” Before Cedric could object further, a new sound rose from the far edge of the camp: wheels creaking over roots, horses snorting, and a man complaining loudly about mud. A carriage rolled into the hollow, lacquered black and trimmed in brass. Two exhausted ponies dragged it through the muck. On the side, painted in gold letters, were the words: Lord Prundle Coppersnatch’s Traveling Collection of Rare, Dangerous, and Financially Promising Creatures Grimble went very still. Sizzle pressed closer to him. From the carriage stepped Lord Prundle Coppersnatch himself, a tall, narrow man wearing a velvet coat, white gloves, and the expression of someone who had never been punched by nature but richly deserved the introduction. He held a silver-tipped cane and walked as if the ground was lucky to be beneath him. The goblin chief hopped down from his stone, still holding Agnes. “You bring gold?” the goblin demanded. Lord Prundle sniffed. “If you have brought me what you promised.” The goblin grinned, revealing teeth like broken corn. “Little dragon. Blue scales. Orange wings. Baby. Rare. Worth lots.” Sizzle’s pupils narrowed. Grimble’s hand closed around his dagger. Cedric whispered, “They mean him.” “Aye,” Grimble said. There was no joke in his voice now. Lord Prundle removed a small golden cage from the carriage. The bars shimmered with spellwork. “A hatchling drake,” he said, almost purring. “Excellent. Properly trained, displayed, and branded, it will be the centerpiece of my autumn exhibition.” Sizzle made a tiny, terrified sound. Grimble’s face hardened into something the woods had not seen in years. For all his foul jokes, petty theft, and general resistance to behaving like a civilized creature, Grimble Stumbletoe had rules. Not many. Not tidy ones. But rules all the same. You did not steal a gnome’s boot. You did not serve soup in Agnes. And you absolutely, under no circumstances, put Grimble’s dragon in a cage. “Change of plan,” Grimble said. Cedric swallowed. “To what?” Grimble stood up. “To dramatic.” He marched straight into the goblin camp. For a moment, nobody moved. Goblins paused mid-song. Lord Prundle froze with his cage in hand. The goblin chief looked down at the soot-bearded gnome stomping into camp wearing one boot and one filthy rag. Then Grimble pointed at him. “You,” he said, “are drinking soup from my wife.” The hollow went silent. Cedric closed his eyes behind the bushes. The goblin chief blinked. “Boot wife?” “Don’t judge what you don’t understand.” Lord Prundle looked disgusted. “What is this creature?” “This creature,” Grimble snapped, “is the last bad idea you’re going to have today.” Sizzle stepped out beside him, wings spread, orange membranes glowing in the firelight. He was still small. He was still young. His claws sank nervously into the dirt. But he lifted his head and bared every tiny tooth he had. The goblins stared. Lord Prundle’s eyes lit up. “There it is.” Grimble moved between him and Sizzle. “There he is,” Grimble said. “And there he stays.” The goblin chief cackled. “Small dragon. Small gnome. Big soup boot.” He raised Agnes again. That was his mistake. Grimble flung his dagger. It did not hit the goblin. Grimble was not that accurate. It did, however, slice through the rope holding up a rack of stolen pans, which crashed down onto six goblins, a barrel of turnips, and one unfortunate fiddle. Chaos exploded. Sizzle launched himself into the air with a squeak of fury and spat flame at the nearest tent. The tent did not catch fire, because it was too damp and miserable, but it did begin smoking in a way that deeply offended everyone inside it. Cedric charged from the bushes, sword raised, shouting, “For the Temple of Lethandriel!” Grimble shouted, “For Agnes, you soup-sucking goblin twits!” The goblins shouted several things, most of them grammatically unstable. Lord Prundle shouted, “Do not damage the merchandise!” Sizzle heard that. His little head snapped toward the collector. Smoke curled from his nostrils. Grimble saw it too, and pride flashed across his soot-smudged face. “That’s right, lad,” he said. “Nobody merchandises you unless you get royalties.” A goblin lunged at Grimble with a club. Grimble ducked, grabbed a ladle from the soup pot, and smacked the goblin across the nose. “You call that a swing?” Grimble barked. “My gran hit harder with a knitting needle, and she’d been dead three days at the time!” Another goblin leapt onto his back. Sizzle swooped low and bit the goblin’s ear. The goblin shrieked, released Grimble, and ran in a circle yelling, “Tiny devil! Tiny devil!” “He prefers dragon,” Grimble shouted after him, “but your terror is appreciated!” Cedric, to his credit, fought better than Grimble expected. He swung his sword with practiced precision, knocked clubs from goblin hands, kicked over a crate of stolen candlesticks, and once accidentally reflected firelight off his polished breastplate so brightly that three goblins ran into each other. “Useful armor!” Grimble called. “Annoying, but useful!” “Thank you?” Cedric shouted back. “Don’t get sentimental. I’m under stress.” Lord Prundle advanced toward Sizzle with the golden cage open. “Easy now,” he crooned. “Easy, precious little specimen.” Sizzle backed away. Grimble saw fear flicker through the baby dragon’s eyes, and something in him cracked open like old bark. He remembered finding Sizzle beneath the foxgloves. Remembered the first beard fire. Remembered the little dragon sleeping in Agnes during a cold rainstorm, curled in the boot like a scaly coal. Remembered the first time Sizzle had followed him into the dark, trusting him without question, as if Grimble Stumbletoe of all people was a safe place in the world. Grimble had been called many things: nuisance, thief, drunkard, mushroom menace, public language hazard. But safe? That one was new. And he would be damned before he let some velvet-coated collector take that away. Grimble grabbed Agnes from the goblin chief’s hands, dumped the soup over the chief’s head, and shoved his bare foot into the boot with a wet, awful squelch. “Oh, that is vile,” he said. “That is emotionally vile.” The goblin chief wiped broth from his eyes. “My soup!” “My boot!” “My dragon!” Lord Prundle snapped. The camp went quiet again. Even the fire seemed to lean back. Grimble turned slowly. “Say that,” he said, “one more time.” Lord Prundle lifted his chin. “That dragon is an unregistered magical creature. By royal collector’s privilege, I have the right to claim—” Sizzle roared. It was not the squeaky kettle-whistle roar from sunset practice. It was not the tiny chirp that made frogs look concerned. This roar rolled out of him with heat, smoke, and the sudden ancient weight of mountains remembering they used to be volcanoes. For one shining second, Sizzle was not a cat-sized baby dragon clinging to a gnome’s sleeve. He was fire with wings. The flames that burst from his mouth did not strike Lord Prundle. They hit the golden cage. The spellwork shattered. The bars melted. The collector screamed and dropped it, stumbling backward into a crate marked Rare Snails: Do Not Agitate. The crate broke. The snails emerged. They were indeed rare. They were also deeply agitated. Goblins scattered. Cedric seized the Silver Lantern of Kindly Directions from a pile of loot, only to have it shout, “LEFT, YOU FOOL!” in an elegant elven voice. “It talks?” Cedric cried. “Everything talks in these woods if you annoy it enough!” Grimble shouted. Sizzle landed on Grimble’s shoulder, trembling with excitement and fear and the aftershock of his own roar. Grimble reached up and held him steady. “Good lad,” he whispered. “Good bloody lad.” The goblin chief, still dripping soup, tried to rally his troops. “Get them! Get boot gnome! Get dragon!” Grimble looked around quickly. He saw the smoky tent, the overturned turnips, the melted cage, the panicked ponies, the scattered lantern light, and the rare agitated snails advancing with slow, terrible purpose. Then he saw a sack of powdered puffball mushrooms. Grimble grinned. “Sizzle,” he said, “remember diplomacy?” Sizzle’s eyes brightened. Grimble kicked the sack into the fire. A cloud of glittering mushroom powder erupted through the hollow. Goblins coughed. Lord Prundle wheezed. Cedric sneezed into his helmet so loudly that the Silver Lantern shouted, “BLESS YOU, BUT WITH RESERVATIONS!” Sizzle flapped his wings, pushing the sparkling cloud across the camp. And then the puffball powder did what puffball powder from Widdershins Woods always does when heated, disturbed, and exposed to goblin panic. It made everyone brutally honest. “I never liked this crown!” one goblin sobbed, throwing down a fork. “I can’t read!” shouted another, holding up a stolen recipe book. “I only joined this gang for dental coverage!” cried a third. The goblin chief clutched his soup-stained tunic. “I am lonely and my leadership style is mostly yelling!” Lord Prundle staggered backward, covered in glittering spores. “I have no friends because I collect living things instead of forming meaningful relationships!” Grimble pointed at him. “There it is.” Cedric, also dusted in powder, turned to Grimble. “I was terrified the whole time and I polished my armor because I thought confidence could be buffed onto metal!” “That one we knew,” Grimble said. Sizzle sneezed once and released a puff of smoke shaped vaguely like a rude gesture. “And you,” Grimble told him, “are perfect.” Sizzle froze. Grimble froze too, realizing what he’d said. “Perfectly annoying,” he added quickly. “Perfectly bitey. Perfectly likely to burn down something I just paid for.” Sizzle nuzzled into his beard anyway. The battle, if it could still be called that, collapsed into goblin confession, snail vengeance, and Lord Prundle trying to apologize to a pony. Grimble took advantage of the confusion with the efficiency of a man who had never respected property boundaries. He retrieved Agnes properly. He pocketed three coins, one silver spoon, a whistle shaped like a frog, and a bottle labeled Do Not Drink Unless You Mean It. He helped Cedric gather the Silver Lantern, several temple bells, and a scroll that kept sighing. Then he found, tucked behind the collector’s carriage, a small bundle of shed dragon scales tied with red string. Sizzle sniffed them and whimpered. Grimble’s jaw tightened. “Were these yours?” he asked softly. Sizzle touched one claw to the bundle. Lord Prundle, still covered in glittering spores, raised a weak hand. “I bought those from a reputable goblin.” “That sentence had three crimes in it,” Grimble said. Cedric stepped forward. “By authority of the Order of the Gilded Fern, I declare Lord Prundle Coppersnatch under arrest for trafficking magical creatures, conspiracy with goblins, and misuse of velvet in a woodland environment.” Grimble looked impressed. “That last one official?” “It should be.” “You’re learning.” The Silver Lantern glowed brightly and shouted, “SOUTHWEST FOR JUSTICE! ALSO, SOMEONE PICK ME UP PROPERLY!” By midnight, the goblins had fled, Lord Prundle was tied to his own carriage with curtain cords, the rare snails had claimed the chief’s throne, and Cedric stood in the hollow looking far less polished than before. There was mud on his armor, soot on his cheek, and a dent in his helmet shaped like a goblin pan. “You did well,” Grimble said. Cedric smiled. “Truly?” “Don’t make it weird.” “Right.” Sizzle climbed onto the stolen loot pile, spread his orange wings, and attempted another mighty roar. This one came out half-roar, half-hiccup, and ended with a spark that lit the priest’s wig on fire. Grimble watched the burning wig sail into the night on a sudden gust of wind. “Majestic,” he said. The next morning, they returned the Silver Lantern of Kindly Directions to the Temple of Lethandriel, though not without incident. The lantern criticized Grimble’s route the entire way, calling him “geographically feral” and once suggesting that even moss had better instincts. The elves, who were tall, serene, and nearly unbearable about both qualities, thanked Cedric with a formal bow and thanked Grimble with visible hesitation. “Your assistance,” said the High Keeper of the Temple, “has restored balance to the northern paths.” “Good,” Grimble said. “Because yesterday one of them tried to lead me into a pond.” “The lantern will prevent such confusion.” “Will it prevent goblins from making soup in my footwear?” The High Keeper paused. “Not specifically.” “Then your magic has gaps.” Cedric coughed into his hand. As a reward, the elves offered Grimble a silver medal, a blessing of safe passage, and a small purse of coins. Grimble took the coins. “No medal?” Cedric asked as they left. “Medals are just shiny responsibility.” “And the blessing?” “I’ve survived this long without being blessed. No sense confusing the universe now.” They parted at the old stone wall. Cedric bowed to Grimble, then to Sizzle. “I owe you both my life.” “Probably,” Grimble said. “If ever you need aid from the Order of the Gilded Fern—” “Do they cook?” “Not well.” “Then we’ll manage.” Cedric smiled, less shiny now and better for it. “Farewell, Grimble Stumbletoe. Farewell, Sizzle.” Sizzle chirped. Grimble waved one hand. “Try not to get lost on the way out.” The Silver Lantern, now hanging from Cedric’s belt, shouted, “HE ABSOLUTELY WILL!” Grimble laughed all the way back through the woods. When they reached their clearing, Miss Frumpel was waiting with folded arms, a stern expression, and a fresh notice already nailed to the community stump. “Residents are kindly asked not to return from adventures covered in goblin soup, mushroom glitter, and legal complications.” Grimble read it twice. “That feels targeted.” “It is,” said Miss Frumpel. Sizzle waddled up to her porch and dropped a silver spoon at her feet. Miss Frumpel blinked. “For me?” Sizzle nodded. Her stern face softened, just a little. “Well. Thank you, dear.” Grimble gasped. “He steals one spoon and gets praised. I borrow three pies and I’m a menace.” “You borrowed them from a windowsill.” “That’s where pies go when they wish to travel.” Miss Frumpel shook her head, but she was smiling when she shut her door. That evening, Grimble and Sizzle sat together beneath the foxgloves where they had first met. The old stone wall glowed softly in the sunset. Mushrooms dotted the moss like tiny umbrellas. Somewhere in the distance, goblins were probably reconsidering their lives, Lord Prundle was definitely composing an apology he didn’t mean, and Cedric Larkspur was learning that heroism involved far more mud than expected. Grimble cleaned Agnes as best he could, muttering apologies to the boot for the soup incident. Sizzle curled against his side, wings folded, eyes heavy. “You were brave today,” Grimble said. Sizzle looked up. “Don’t get smug. Brave and smug are cousins, and one of them gets punched at weddings.” Sizzle blinked. Grimble sighed and leaned back against a mossy stone. “But aye. You were brave.” The baby dragon rested his head on Grimble’s belly. For a while, they listened to the woods breathe. Then Sizzle opened one eye and gave a tiny puff of flame that warmed Grimble’s beard without burning it. Grimble smiled. “There you go,” he murmured. “Getting the hang of it.” Above them, the first stars pricked holes in the deepening blue sky. The flowers nodded. The mushrooms glowed. The forest settled around them, wild and green and full of problems waiting patiently for morning. Grimble knew there would be more trouble. There always was. Some lost fool would wander in with a quest. Some goblin would steal something sentimental. Some elf would make a ceremony too long. Some squirrel would look at him wrong. And Sizzle would be there for all of it, tiny teeth flashing, orange wings blazing, eyes bright with the terrible joy of being loved by someone just irresponsible enough to make life interesting. “Tomorrow,” Grimble said, “we practice roaring without setting wigs on fire.” Sizzle made a doubtful chirp. “Fine. Without setting important wigs on fire.” Sizzle seemed satisfied. Grimble pulled his hat low, tucked one arm around the baby dragon, and closed his eyes. So the tales continued through Widdershins Woods: of Grimble Stumbletoe, the gnome with the glorious beard, the questionable boots, and the mouth that could curdle cream at twenty paces; and of Sizzle, the baby dragon who was small enough to sleep in a boot but fierce enough to melt a cage, humble a collector, scatter a goblin camp, and warm one cranky old heart that had pretended for years it didn’t need warming. They were not proper heroes. They were too rude for that. But they were loyal. They were ridiculous. They were dangerous in ways no respectable villain could plan for. And in Widdershins Woods, that was usually better. Bring Grimble and Sizzle Home The artwork behind Beard, Boots, and Baby Dragon captures Grimble Stumbletoe and Sizzle in all their wild woodland glory: the tangled silver beard, the battered leather boots, the mossy mushrooms, and one gloriously loud little dragon with wings like firelit autumn leaves. Bring their mischief home piece by piece with the jigsaw puzzle, turn a wall into Widdershins Woods with the tapestry, or add a bold fantasy focal point with the canvas print. For a softer dose of dragon-powered nonsense, the throw pillow delivers cozy charm with just enough goblin-level attitude. Whether you love gnomes, dragons, woodland fantasy, or art with a mischievous grin, Grimble and Sizzle are ready to stomp, snort, and mildly threaten the mood of any room.
