cheeky humor

by Bill Tiepelman

Rosy Lips and Wrinkled Sass

The New Year crept in with a quiet drizzle, but for Gladys, it was an occasion to make noise—and a lot of it. She sat in her plush pink armchair, donned head-to-toe in what she affectionately called her “glamazon armor.” Oversized pink glasses perched on her nose, hot pink lipstick smeared (liberally) across her puckered lips, and a fluffy feather boa that had clearly seen more action than anyone dared to ask about. “Well, New Year,” Gladys muttered, swirling a gin martini in her jeweled glass, “what do you have for me this time? Another gym membership pamphlet? Another lecture about kale? Pfft.” She rolled her eyes, nearly dislodging one of her fake lashes. “I’ve got wrinkles older than most of those influencers telling me to ‘hydrate and manifest.’” Gladys was no stranger to attention, and she planned on starting 2025 with the same unapologetic energy that had carried her through eight decades of mischief, martinis, and a couple of husbands who couldn’t quite keep up. “If they can’t handle the sass, they don’t deserve the class,” she always said, though her brand of class was often served with a generous helping of crass. The Annual Pink Party Each New Year’s Day, Gladys hosted what had come to be known as “The Pink Party,” a legendary gathering of her closest friends, all of whom were just as fabulous and outrageous as she was. The invitation read: “Dress code: Anything pink and everything dramatic. Leave your resolutions at the door. We’re here for cocktails, not kale.” By 8 PM, her house was a swirling hurricane of pink boas, rhinestone heels, and questionable decisions. Her best friend Margie showed up wearing a sequined jumpsuit that looked suspiciously like it had been stolen from the Vegas strip. “Margie, darling,” Gladys drawled, kissing her on both cheeks, “you look like a disco ball with daddy issues. It’s perfect.” Margie cackled, and the two shuffled off to the bar, where Gladys poured something that could only loosely be defined as a cocktail. “Here’s to another year of ignoring doctor’s orders and making bad choices,” Gladys toasted, holding her glass high. “Cheers to that,” Margie replied, already two sips deep. The Toast Heard ‘Round the Neighborhood As the night wore on and the gin flowed freely, Gladys decided it was time for her annual toast. She climbed up onto her coffee table, feather boa trailing behind her like the train of a royal gown. Clearing her throat dramatically, she declared, “Ladies, gentlemen, and those fabulous enough to defy labels, I have but one thing to say about this New Year…” The room fell silent, save for the faint hum of a disco remix playing in the background. Gladys adjusted her glasses and took a deep breath. “Screw resolutions! I’m sticking to revolutions—mainly the ones on my barstool!” The crowd erupted into cheers, glasses clinking as they toasted to her rebellious spirit. “But seriously,” she continued, her voice softening for a moment, “life’s too short for regrets, bad wine, or boring underwear. Wear the lipstick. Buy the shoes. Say the thing. And for the love of all things pink, dance like nobody’s taking video for TikTok.” The applause was deafening, though whether it was for her words or the fact that she managed not to fall off the table was anyone’s guess. Either way, Gladys raised her glass one last time, the queen of sass and class, ready to conquer another year with her signature blend of mischief and glamour. The Aftermath By the time the clock struck midnight, Gladys was lounging in her chair, a rose in one hand and a cigarette in the other. “Well, New Year,” she said, smirking at her reflection in the pink-rimmed mirror on the wall, “you’ve got a lot to live up to if you think you’re outshining me.” She leaned back, exhaling a plume of smoke, and let out a satisfied chuckle. Life, like her lipstick, might not always stay in the lines, but damn if it wasn’t fabulous.     Well, here you are, New Year, looking all prim, While I’m here with my lipstick, poured to the brim. I’ve survived decades, drank gallons of gin, And frankly, sweetheart, I’m not starting again. “New Year, New Me!”—what a pile of bull, I’m already fabulous, vibrant, and full. These wrinkles are roadmaps of mischief and sin, Each line’s got a story, a scandal within. Pink glasses? Check. A rose in my hand? I’ve still got more flair than your bland little plans. Resolutions are cute, for the young and naïve, I’ll toast to my glory while you make-believe. I’ll sip bubbly wine and I’ll cackle out loud, While you clutch your green juice and act all profound. Go ahead, chase your dreams, or whatever’s in trend, I’ll stick to my nonsense till the bitter end. So here’s to the New Year, let’s keep it crass, May it kiss my lips and maybe my… sass. You’re welcome to join me, but bring your own glass— This diva’s not sharing her liquor or class.     Discover More: This captivating artwork, "Rosy Lips and Wrinkled Sass," is available for prints, downloads, and licensing. Bring a touch of humor, sass, and vibrance to your collection. Visit the Unfocussed Archive to explore and make it yours today!

by Bill Tiepelman

Morning Symphony of the Tropics

The rainforest woke up slowly, like a cat stretching in a sunbeam. Golden shafts of sunlight pierced through the dense canopy, glinting off dew-drenched leaves and painting the jungle in soft, ethereal light. Somewhere in the distance, a waterfall gurgled contentedly, as if chuckling at its own joke. The air was warm and heavy with the scent of blooming hibiscus and damp moss, and the entire forest seemed to hum with the lazy energy of a new day. On a low-hanging branch that curved like the back of a weary hammock, perched two macaws—Polly and Pico, the self-proclaimed king and queen of their tropical domain. Polly, resplendent in feathers of blazing red, green, and yellow, was the more theatrical of the two. She had a flair for drama and a voice that could carry all the way to the other side of the forest. Pico, on the other hand, was a gentleman of blue and gold, with a penchant for sarcasm and an uncanny ability to sound bored even in the most exciting of moments. “Polly, darling, do you think the rainforest is listening?” Pico drawled, preening a feather with the kind of care one reserves for polishing a rare jewel. “I wouldn’t want to waste my beautiful voice on deaf ears.” Polly gave him a look that could have felled an oak tree. “Pico, the rainforest is always listening. She’s our audience, our stage, our loyal fan club. You just have to learn to feel it.” She flared her wings for emphasis, the sunlight catching each feather like a kaleidoscope of fire. “Now, hush. It’s time for the morning show!” Pico sighed dramatically. “Oh, joy. Another chance for me to perform for the frogs, the snakes, and that suspiciously judgmental toucan. My dreams have come true.” The Morning Warm-Up With an exaggerated flourish, Polly cleared her throat—or at least made a sound that could generously be described as such. “Good morning, my fellow rainforest residents!” she trilled, her voice echoing through the trees. “Welcome to another glorious day in paradise, brought to you by yours truly, Polly, and my reluctant sidekick, Pico.” “Sidekick?” Pico muttered under his breath. “I’m the reason this branch doesn’t break from your ego alone.” Ignoring him, Polly launched into what she proudly referred to as her “Opening Serenade.” It was a medley of squawks, chirps, and whistles that somehow managed to be both startling and oddly melodic. In the background, a family of capuchin monkeys paused their morning banana thievery to clap politely—though one or two might have been throwing fruit instead. Polly didn’t mind. In her world, attention was attention. Pico waited until she had finished her theatrics before chiming in with a low, melodious whistle. His contribution was softer, more subdued, like the sound of a cool breeze whispering through bamboo. The rainforest seemed to lean in, the rustle of leaves and the distant chirp of cicadas forming a quiet harmony with his tune. “Show-off,” Polly whispered, though her tone betrayed a hint of admiration. The Peanut Controversy After their performance, Polly and Pico settled into the universal ritual of breakfast. Nearby, a stash of peanuts—courtesy of a wandering botanist who had tragically underestimated the thieving capabilities of macaws—awaited their attention. Polly dove in first, cracking shells with the precision of a diamond cutter. “You know,” she said between bites, “I read somewhere that peanuts aren’t actually nuts. They’re legumes.” Pico raised an eyebrow, an impressive feat for a bird. “Oh, thank you, Polly. My life was incomplete without that crucial nugget of knowledge. Truly, the rainforest’s resident philosopher has spoken.” “Don’t mock me,” Polly huffed. “I’m educating you. Knowledge is power.” “And yet here we are, fighting over legumes,” Pico quipped, tossing a shell over his shoulder. It landed on a passing lizard, which scurried off in what could only be described as dramatic indignation. A Zen Moment Once the peanuts were gone, the macaws settled into the second act of their daily routine: basking. The sun had risen higher now, and its warmth felt like a soft blanket draped over the forest. Polly and Pico leaned against each other, their feathers shimmering like polished gemstones. “This is the life,” Polly sighed, her voice softer now. “No deadlines, no predators, just sunshine and snacks.” Pico nodded, for once too content to be sarcastic. “You know, Polly, sometimes I think you’re not entirely unbearable.” Polly chuckled, a rich, throaty sound. “And sometimes I think you’re not a complete buzzkill. It’s moments like these that remind me why I put up with you.” “Ah, the highest of compliments,” Pico murmured. “Truly, I am honored.” Their banter faded into companionable silence, the kind that only comes from years of shared mischief and mutual understanding. Around them, the rainforest thrummed with life—the chatter of monkeys, the distant call of a jaguar, the soothing trickle of the waterfall. It was chaos and serenity, all wrapped into one. And in the midst of it all, Polly and Pico sat, two tiny bursts of color in an endless sea of green, perfectly at peace. The Grand Finale As the sun climbed higher, Polly stretched her wings and hopped to the edge of the branch. “Come on, Pico. Let’s give them one last show before siesta time.” Pico groaned but followed her. Together, they took off, their wings slicing through the air with a sound like whispered secrets. They circled the canopy, weaving through the trees in a graceful dance that was equal parts performance and play. Below, the rainforest residents paused to watch, their eyes reflecting the vibrant colors of the macaws’ feathers. When they finally landed back on their branch, Polly puffed out her chest triumphantly. “Another masterpiece,” she declared. “They’ll be talking about this morning for weeks.” “If by ‘talking,’ you mean ‘trying to forget,’ then yes, absolutely,” Pico said, though his tone lacked its usual bite. He was smiling, in that subtle, birdlike way of his. As the rainforest settled into the warm embrace of midday, Polly and Pico leaned against each other once more, their feathers glinting in the sunlight. It had been a good morning—a symphony of color, sound, and just the right amount of chaos. And as they drifted into a blissful nap, the rainforest hummed along, cradling its feathered stars in the arms of its eternal melody.    Bring the Symphony Home The vibrant energy and serene charm of "Morning Symphony of the Tropics" can now bring a touch of tropical bliss to your space. Explore these beautiful products, inspired by Polly and Pico’s cheerful world: Tropical Tapestry: Perfect for transforming your living space into a rainforest retreat. Canvas Print: A timeless piece of art that captures the vibrant beauty of the rainforest. Jigsaw Puzzle: A fun and relaxing way to immerse yourself in this colorful tropical scene. Tote Bag: Carry the rainforest’s charm with you wherever you go. Each product celebrates the enchanting beauty of the tropics and lets you bring a piece of this story into your everyday life. Shop the full collection here.

by Bill Tiepelman

Winter Enchantment on a Green Machine

Let me tell you something: being a fairy isn’t all glitter and wishes. Sometimes, you need to blow off steam. And what better way to do that than stealing—erm, borrowing—an enchanted Harley from the Winter King himself? That’s exactly what Frostina Sparklebottom did on one particularly snowy evening. But let’s rewind a bit, shall we? Frostina wasn’t your typical fairy. While her peers were out frolicking in flower meadows and sprinkling pixie dust on lost hikers, she was in her log cabin, sipping spiked hot cocoa and debating whether she should finally learn to snowboard. “Why sprinkle magic when I can be magic?” she always said, usually while adjusting the rhinestones on her thigh-high boots. One frosty evening, after a few too many shots of peppermint schnapps, Frostina decided she was tired of being underestimated. “I’m done with this ‘sweet and dainty’ fairy crap!” she declared to her pet squirrel, Nutmeg, who didn’t seem particularly invested in her self-revelation. “I’m going to ride into town on the baddest machine Winterland has ever seen!” The only problem? Frostina didn’t own a motorcycle. But she knew who did: the Winter King. He had a gleaming green beast of a bike parked outside his ice palace. Sure, he was the ruler of all things cold and sparkly, but Frostina had something he didn’t—audacity. Lots of it. With a flick of her glitter-dusted wings, she zipped through the frosty forest, her teal outfit catching the moonlight. “He won’t even miss it,” she muttered, brushing snow off her lace-up boots. She reached the bike, gave it a once-over, and cackled. “Oh, baby, you and I are going to make history tonight.” Did she know how to ride a motorcycle? Absolutely not. But that wasn’t about to stop her. Fairies are great at improvising, and Frostina was no exception. With a flutter of her wings, she hovered over the bike and inspected it like a Pinterest mom pretending she knew how to install a backsplash. “How hard can it be?” she mumbled, pressing random buttons. A low growl rumbled as the engine roared to life. “Hell yeah! Mama’s got a new ride!” She sped off into the snowy night, her glittering wings leaving a trail of sparkles in her wake. The roar of the bike echoed through the forest, scaring off reindeer and a few elves on their late-night coffee runs. The cold wind whipped against her face, but Frostina didn’t care. She felt alive—invincible even. That is, until she accidentally swerved into the town square. The townsfolk, who were in the middle of their annual Snowball Festival, stopped mid-throw to stare at the fairy zooming past. “Is that Frostina Sparklebottom?” someone gasped. “What is she wearing?!” another shouted. Frostina, ever the drama queen, slowed down just enough to strike a pose. “It’s called style, Karen!” she hollered, flipping her silver hair as she zipped past. Of course, word of her little joyride reached the Winter King faster than Frostina could say, “Oops.” The icy monarch himself appeared on the horizon, riding a snowstorm like a pissed-off weather god. “FROSTINA!” his voice boomed, shaking icicles loose from the rooftops. “Oh, chill out, Frosty!” she shouted back, skidding to a stop in front of him. “It’s just a little spin! Besides, you never use the damn thing!” The Winter King, unimpressed by her sass, crossed his arms. “That’s not the point! You can’t just steal my bike, terrorize the townsfolk, and call it ‘a spin.’” Frostina smirked, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. “Terrorize? Please. I’m giving them a show. You should be thanking me for spicing up this snowy hellscape you call a kingdom.” The king pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Return the bike. Now.” “Fine,” Frostina groaned, dramatically rolling her eyes. “But only because it’s almost out of gas.” She dismounted and patted the bike’s seat. “Thanks for the memories, babe. You were too good for him anyway.” The Winter King muttered something about needing a vacation as Frostina flounced away, wings sparkling under the moonlight. “You’re welcome for the entertainment!” she called over her shoulder. “Next time, I’m taking the sleigh!” That night, Frostina returned to her cabin feeling triumphant. Sure, she might have annoyed the Winter King and scared a few elves, but who cared? Life was short, and fairies who played it safe never made history. As she kicked off her boots and poured herself another mug of schnapps-laden cocoa, she raised a toast to herself. “Here’s to being fabulous, fearless, and unapologetically Frostina,” she declared. And with that, the sassiest fairy in Winterland settled in for a well-earned nap, dreaming of her next wild adventure.    Bring the Magic Home If Frostina's daring escapades and enchanting style inspire you, why not bring a piece of her winter magic into your life? Explore stunning products featuring Winter Enchantment on a Green Machine, available now: Tapestries to add a whimsical touch to your space. Canvas Prints for a bold and artistic centerpiece. Puzzles to piece together Frostina's sassy charm. Greeting Cards for sharing the magic with friends and loved ones. Each product is designed to capture the brash, bold, and whimsical essence of Frostina’s unforgettable adventure. Shop now and let the enchantment ride into your home!