Crass fairy antics

by Bill Tiepelman

Torchbearer of the Toadstool

The Itch in the Moss The woods, contrary to poetic belief, are not serene. They are loud, rude, and filled with creatures that don’t care about your personal space — especially if you’re knee-high and have wings like stained glass. Just ask Bibble. Bibble, a fairy of questionable repute, sat atop her chosen throne: a glistening red toadstool with the kind of white speckles that screamed, “do not lick.” She licked it anyway. She did a lot of things just to spite the rules. In her grubby little hand she held a torch — not magical, not ceremonial, just a stick she lit on fire because it made the beetles scatter dramatically. That, and she liked the power trip. “By the Glimmering Grubs of Gramble Root,” she muttered, staring into the flame, “I swear, if one more gnome asks if I grant wishes, I’m setting his beard on fire.” Bibble was not your average fairy. She didn’t flit, she strutted. She didn’t sprinkle pixie dust, she shook glitter in people’s faces and yelled “Surprise, b*tch!” She was not the chosen one — she was the annoyed one. And tonight, she was on patrol. Every seventh moon, a fairy must take the Spore Watch, ensuring that the Amanita Council’s fungal empire isn’t being nibbled on by rogue badgers or cursed raccoons. Bibble took this role very seriously. Mostly because the last fairy who skipped watch was now being used as a coaster in the council’s breakroom. “Torchbearer,” came a voice behind her. Slithery. Elongated. Like someone who practiced being creepy in front of a mirror. She didn’t turn around. “Creevus. Still oozing around like a sentient rash, I see.” “Charming as ever,” Creevus replied, sliding from the shadow of a mossy log, his cloak stitched from shed snakeskin and the dreams of disappointed parents. “The Council demands an update.” “Tell the Council their mushrooms are unbitten, their borders unmolested, and their Torchbearer deeply underpaid.” She blew a puff of smoke toward him, the flame flickering like it was laughing at him too. Creevus narrowed his eyes. Or maybe he just didn’t have eyelids. It was hard to tell with creeps like him. “Don’t let your spark go to your head, Bibble. We all know what happened to the last Torchbearer who disobeyed the Spore Law.” Bibble grinned, wide and wicked. “Yeah. I sent him flowers. Carnivorous ones.” Creevus vanished back into the darkness like an overdramatic theatre major. Bibble rolled her eyes so hard she nearly levitated off her mushroom. The flame danced. The night stretched its claws. Something was watching. Not Creevus. Not a badger. Something... older. And Bibble, goddess help us, grinned wider. The Spores of Suspicion The thing about being watched in the woods is — it’s rarely innocent. Squirrels watch you because they’re plotting. Owls? Judging. But this? This was something worse. Something ancient. Bibble hopped down from her toadstool, torch held like a royal scepter, eyes narrowed. The flame’s glow made her shadow stretch tall and lanky across the mossy ground, like it was auditioning for a villain role in a woodland soap opera. “Alright then,” she shouted, twirling the torch. “If you’re going to stalk me, at least buy me dinner first. I like acorn wine and fungi you can't pronounce.” The forest answered with silence — thick, heavy, and absolutely hiding something. And then, with the elegance of a drunk centipede in heels, it emerged. Not a beast. Not a ghost. But a creature known only in whispers: Glubble. Yes, that was its name. No, Bibble wasn’t impressed either. Glubble had the face of a melted toad, the smell of compost tea, and the conversational charm of wet socks. He wore a robe made entirely of leaf husks and arrogance. “Bibble of Sporesend,” he rasped. “Bearer of Flame. Licker of Forbidden Caps.” “Oh look, it talks,” she said dryly. “Let me guess. You want the torch. Or my soul. Or to invite me to some terrible forest cult.” Glubble blinked slowly. Bibble could swear she heard his eyelids squelch. “The Flame is not yours. The Torch belongs to the Rotmother.” “The Rotmother can suck my bark,” Bibble snapped. “I lit this thing with dried moth guts and sheer spite. You want it? Make a PowerPoint.” Glubble hissed. Somewhere behind him, a slug exploded from stress. Bibble didn’t flinch. She’d once stabbed a possum with a licorice wand. She feared nothing. “You mock the old ways,” Glubble wheezed. “You taint the Watch.” “I am the Watch,” she declared, raising the torch. “And trust me, darling, I make tainting look good.” There was a sudden rumble — deep beneath the forest floor. Trees leaned in. Moss shivered. From the base of Bibble’s old toadstool throne came a sound like choking fungus. “Ah, fantastic,” she muttered. “I woke the throne.” The mushroom had been enchanted, yes. But no one told her it had feelings. Especially not the emotionally unstable kind. It stood now, unfolding from the ground like a sad inflatable sofa, eyes blinking beneath its cap, and let out a pitiful groan. “Torch…bearer…” it moaned. “You… never moisturize me…” Bibble sighed. “Not now, Marvin.” “You sat on me for weeks,” it whimpered. “Do you know what that does to a mushroom’s self-esteem?” Glubble raised a clawed hand. “The Rotmother comes,” he declared with terrible drama. Thunder rolled. Somewhere, an owl choked on its tea. “And I’m sure she’s lovely,” Bibble deadpanned. “But if she tries to mess with my watch, my torch, or my emotionally needy mushroom, we are going to have a situation.” The woods fell into chaos. Roots whipped like angry noodles, spores exploded from the ground in clouds of glittery rage, and a deer — possessed by pure drama — threw itself sideways into a ravine just to avoid involvement. Bibble, torch raised, yelled a war cry that sounded suspiciously like “You fungal freaks picked the wrong fairy!” and leapt onto Marvin’s back as he sprinted like a caffeinated Roomba through the underbrush. Glubble pursued, screaming ancient rot-prayers and tripping over his own leaves. Behind them, the Rotmother began to rise — enormous, festering, and surprisingly well-accessorized. But Bibble didn’t care. She had a flame. A throne. And just enough bad attitude to spark a revolution. “Next full moon,” she shouted into the wind, “I’m bringing wine. And fire. And maybe some self-help books for my throne.” She cackled into the mossy night as the forest shuddered with spores and chaos and the joy of one fairy who absolutely did not care about your ancient prophecies. The flame burned brighter. The Watch would never be the same.     Epilogue: The Fire and the Fungus The woods eventually stopped screaming. Not because the Rotmother was defeated. Not because Glubble found inner peace or because the Council decided to cancel Bibble (they tried — she cursed their group chat). No, the forest settled because it realized one immutable truth: You don’t fight Bibble. You adjust your entire ecosystem around her. The Spore Laws were rewritten, mostly in crayon. The official title “Torchbearer” was changed to “Spicy Forest Overlord,” and Bibble insisted her mushroom throne be referred to as “Marvin, the Moist Magnificent.” He cried. A lot. But it was growth. Creevus retired early, moved to a cave, and started a disappointing podcast about ancient fungus. Glubble joined a moss therapy group. The Rotmother? She’s now on TikTok, doing slow, haunting makeup tutorials and reviewing mushrooms with disturbing intimacy. As for Bibble? She built a shrine out of old beetle shells and sarcasm. Every now and then, she hosts illegal bonfires for delinquent fairies and teaches them how to yell at shadows and forge torches from twigs, venom, and pure audacity. When travelers pass through the woods and feel a sudden warmth — a flicker of fire, a rustle of glittery defiance — they say it’s her. The Torchbearer of the Toadstool. Still watching. Still petty. Still, somehow, in charge. And somewhere, under the roots, Marvin sighs happily… then asks if she brought lotion.     If you feel your life lacks just a little chaos, confidence, or flaming toadstool energy — bring Bibble home. You can channel your inner Torchbearer with a framed print for your lair, a glorious metal print for your altar of chaos, a soft and suspiciously magical tapestry for wall summoning rituals, or a wickedly stylish tote bag to carry snacks, spite, and questionable herbs. Bibble approves. Probably.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Black Cat Fairy of Winter

Deep in the frosty woods, where the snow piles up higher than a bad decision on New Year’s Eve, lived a creature of legend—or perhaps infamy. She wasn’t your average sweet little pixie with flower crowns and doe-eyed innocence. No, this was The Black Cat Fairy of Winter, and she was here to raise hell, sprinkle glitter, and drink spiked eggnog—though not always in that order. The Black Cat Fairy, or "Kat" as she liked to be called, had a reputation. Her wings were as dark and shimmering as a blackout drunk text, and her feline tail swished like she was perpetually annoyed with everyone—because she was. Her wardrobe? A mix of gothic lace, thigh-high stockings, and a corset so tight it looked like it owed her money. But Kat didn't care about modesty. After all, as she liked to say, "If you’ve got it, flaunt it—especially if it makes the elves uncomfortable." A Snowstorm of Trouble One frigid evening, as snowflakes kissed the tops of the evergreens and the wind howled like a hungover banshee, Kat sat perched on a frozen log, sipping from a steaming mug. The mug read, "World’s Sassiest Fae". Inside? A suspiciously potent mixture of hot cocoa, Bailey’s, and something that burned like regret. "Ah, winter," Kat purred, her tail curling lazily behind her. "The time of year when people pretend to like their relatives and cry over failed resolutions." She sighed dramatically and took another sip. Just then, the quiet forest was interrupted by the crunch of boots on snow. A group of travelers had wandered into her domain. Kat perked up, her eyes narrowing with predatory glee. "Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favorite type of idiot—lost hikers." Emerging from the shadows like a cross between a seductive goddess and a walking HR complaint, Kat stepped onto the path, her wings glinting in the moonlight. The travelers froze. One of them—a burly man with a beard that looked like it had been grown out of spite—blinked at her and stammered, "Uh… are you… are you real?" Kat smirked. "As real as your browser history, big guy." The Fae's Mischievous Bargain The group exchanged nervous glances. They had heard stories about the Black Cat Fairy, though most of them involved drunken tavern tales about people who had returned from the forest missing wallets, pants, and sometimes dignity. "We’re just trying to find the main road," one of them piped up, a petite woman clutching a map that looked like it had been printed off the internet in 2003. "Do you… do you know the way?" Kat tapped her chin, pretending to think. "Hmm, I could help… but where’s the fun in that? No, no. Let’s play a little game." The hikers groaned in unison. Games with Kat never ended well. But it was either play along or risk wandering the woods until they became popsicle versions of themselves. "Alright," Kat said, clapping her gloved hands together. "Here’s the deal. If you can answer three riddles, I’ll guide you to the road. If you fail…" She trailed off, her grin widening. "Well, let’s just say you’ll be leaving the forest with fewer socks and more regrets." The Riddle Gauntlet The first riddle was simple enough: "What has a tail, no legs, and loves mischief?" "A cat!" shouted one of the hikers, looking far too proud of himself. Kat raised an eyebrow. "Sure, we’ll go with that. One point to you." The second riddle was trickier: "I’m cold, I’m hard, and I get in your way—what am I?" The hikers debated for a moment before the petite woman shouted, "Ice!" Kat’s tail swished. "Well, aren’t you clever? That’s two for two." But the third riddle? Oh, she wasn’t going to make this one easy. "I’m dark, I’m moody, and I’ll ruin your day if you cross me. What am I?" Silence fell over the group. They whispered amongst themselves, throwing out answers like "a thunderstorm" or "a wolf." Finally, the burly man stepped forward and, with a sheepish grin, said, "Uh… you?" Kat blinked, then burst out laughing—a laugh so loud it startled a squirrel out of a nearby tree. "Damn right, it’s me!" She clapped him on the shoulder, nearly knocking him over. "Congratulations, meatbags. You win." The Road Ahead True to her word—something that didn’t happen often—Kat led the group back to the main road. But not before pilfering the last granola bar from one of their backpacks and giving the petite woman a slap on the rear for good measure. "Remember," Kat called as they trudged away, "next time you’re in my forest, bring wine and snacks. Or don’t come at all." As the hikers disappeared into the distance, Kat leaned against a tree, sipping the last of her now-cold cocoa. "Ah, humans," she muttered. "So predictable. So entertaining." And with that, the Black Cat Fairy of Winter vanished into the night, leaving behind only faint pawprints in the snow and a lingering sense of mischief. Legend has it that she still roams those woods, waiting for the next unlucky soul to cross her path.    Take the Black Cat Fairy Home If the mischievous magic of The Black Cat Fairy of Winter has captured your imagination, you can bring her charm into your life with a variety of unique products. Whether you're looking for stunning decor or a touch of whimsy, we’ve got you covered: Acrylic Prints – Add a sleek and modern touch to your walls with a vibrant, crystal-clear print. Tapestries – Create an enchanting focal point in any room with a soft, high-quality tapestry. Tote Bags – Carry a little fairy magic with you everywhere you go, perfect for shopping or daily use. Canvas Prints – Enjoy this stunning artwork with a classic, gallery-quality finish. Shop these exclusive items and more at Unfocussed.com, and let the Black Cat Fairy bring a little sass and sparkle to your space!