crass humor

by Bill Tiepelman

Terror on the Tile Wall

Panic in Ply Town Rolland Q. Plyworth III had lived a cushy, well-rolled life up until this exact moment. He was proud of his smooth finish, triple-ply pedigree, and his strategic placement on the prime real estate that was the polished chrome dispenser in Stall Two. He'd heard horror stories from the bidet crowd—rumors about rough wipes, careless tears, and the dreaded "backdoor blizzard" incident of 2017. But Rolland? He thought he was above it all. Then he walked in. At first, Rolland didn't panic. Sure, the human was humming a weird polka tune, pants already around his ankles like a flag of defeat. But Rolland had seen plenty of cheeks come and go. This was standard issue. Nothing to worry about. Until he saw the hand. It wasn’t just dirty. It was apocalyptic. A crime scene in five fingers. Caked in the brown shame of a thousand tacos past their prime. The kind of mess you don’t wipe—you just burn it down and start a new life in Idaho. “Oh sweet Charmin’s ghost,” Rolland muttered as his arms sprung from his soft sides, reaching out to protest. “Not me! I’m embossed! I have a quilted legacy!” The hand got closer. It reached for the tail end of Rolland’s perfectly perforated sheet. His heart—if he had one—would’ve exploded like a hot burrito in a microwave. “Stop! Use the paper towels! Use your sleeve! Use... your dignity!” Rolland shrieked, trying to unspool himself off the holder like a hostage escaping bondage. Too late. A single square was torn free, gripped by the filth-riddled claws of the man who had clearly just committed war crimes in porcelain. And then—horror—Rolland was made to hold it. His tiny paper hand gripping the dirty square like a traitor handing over state secrets. His fibers trembled. His embossing began to curl with trauma. “You monster,” he whispered, his googly eyes widening. “I’m not even flushable.” But the man didn’t hear. The man never heard. They never do. They just wipe and leave. No thank you. No apology. No therapy voucher. As the hand drew the square toward the unspeakable, Rolland knew this was only the beginning of his nightmare. And if he didn’t do something drastic... he’d be next. The Great Escape and the Porcelain Underground It’s said that in moments of mortal terror, your life flashes before your eyes. For Rolland Q. Plyworth III, it was a slideshow of packaging. The proud day he left the factory. The first time he was stocked on the top shelf—front-facing, labels aligned. The time a small dog tried to chew on his outer layer and got scared off by his screaming face. Simpler times. But now? Now he was about to be complicit in the kind of fecal felony that gets you blacklisted from every guest bathroom from here to Biscayne Bay. His mind raced. He was a roll of few options. But if he could just... twist his core... leverage the spring of the holder... maybe—maybe—he could dismount. “FOR PLYDOM!” he howled, spinning like a majestic soft grenade and flinging himself off the metal spindle with all the grace of a suicidal croissant. He hit the tiled wall, bounced off the sink, and landed with a panicked flop behind the toilet brush caddy. The human stared at the empty holder. “What the—” he grunted, cheeks clenched, reaching under the sink in desperation. “WHERE’S THE BACKUP ROLL?!” Rolland peeked from behind the plunger, gasping for breath he didn’t need. “There is... no backup... you crusty-handed barbarian.” Suddenly, from the shadows of the baseboard heating vent, came a whisper. “Pssst. New guy. You alright?” Rolland turned to see a square of paper towel, folded into a vaguely humanoid shape with duct tape shoes. One corner was burnt. One side had coffee stains that looked... deliberate. “Who... who are you?” Rolland asked, still trembling. “Name’s Bev. Bev Napkin. We’ve been watching you from the vents. You’ve got guts, roll-boy. Most of your kind go limp and get flushed. But you? You’ve got fiber.” Rolland blinked. “Is this the afterlife? Is this where all the partially used napkins go?” Bev laughed, a harsh papery rasp. “Nah, sweetheart. This is the Underground. And you just joined the resistance.” Bev led him down through a vent tunnel, past tissues with eye patches, floss with battle scars, even a bar of soap that refused to speak of what it had seen in Gym Locker 9. They emerged into a hollow behind the baseboards—a sanctuary of the discarded and the defiant. A haven for the hygienically traumatized. “We call it ‘Plymoria’,” Bev explained, spreading her crumpled hands. “And we fight for justice. For dignity. For one-ply, two-ply, and moist towelette alike.” Rolland stared in awe. “But... what can I do?” Bev grinned. “You know the layout. You’ve seen the enemy. You’ve touched their hands.” He shuddered. “More like... their sins.” “Then you’re perfect for our mission,” she said. “Operation: Wipe Back.” From that day forward, Rolland trained with the Paper Platoon. He learned to roll silently across linoleum. He mastered distraction techniques (mostly involving fake poop and creaky cabinet doors). He even bonded with a grizzled loofah named Carl, who’d done two tours in the bachelor dorm showers. The next time that filthy human entered the bathroom, things were different. As he reached again—confident, unrepentant—he felt the snap of a tripwire made of floss. The thud of a plunger falling on his foot. The squirt of hand soap in the eye. He stumbled, slipped, and fell backward into the tub with a dramatic flail worthy of a daytime soap opera. “WE DON’T WIPE IN FEAR ANYMORE!” Rolland yelled, rappelling from the shower rod with a grappling hook made of hair ties and courage. “WHO SAID THAT?!” the man screamed, now face-down in a puddle of his own arrogance. Bev appeared beside Rolland, her crumpled napkin form backlit by the glowing nightlight shaped like a seashell. “Justice,” she said, flicking a Q-tip like a ninja star. And thus, the Porcelain Underground made their mark. They didn’t stop all the messes. But they did stop the worst of them. And they reminded every person entering that room that toilet paper was not just a tool—it was a soul. A sentient square with dreams. And boundaries. And Rolland? He wasn’t just a roll anymore. He was a revolutionary. A soft-spun soldier of sanitary salvation. Long live the resistance. Long live the Ply.     Bring the Bathroom Battle Home! If you laughed, gasped, or nervously checked your own toilet paper holder—why not commemorate the madness? "Terror on the Tile Wall" is now available as a series of gloriously absurd, conversation-starting products. Whether you're decorating your guest bathroom or just want to weird out your in-laws, we've got you covered (with more dignity than that guy's hand). Framed Print – Classy enough for your hallway, disturbing enough to keep the kids out of your bathroom. Metal Print – Because nothing says “modern chic” like a terrified toilet roll immortalized in aluminum. Acrylic Print – Vibrant, glossy, and deeply unsettling—perfect for contemporary bathrooms or as a housewarming gift for people you want to confuse. Shower Curtain – Give your morning routine a sense of urgency with Rolland’s face screaming at you while you lather. Make your walls weird, your shower scenes surreal, and your bathroom proudly unhinged with this one-of-a-kind image. Go on, wipe responsibly—shop hilariously.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Floral Jester's Solitude

Once upon a time—because everything always seems to start with “Once upon a time” and I’m not about to break tradition—there was a clown. And not the fun kind either. No balloons, no honking noses, just one seriously depressed jester sitting in a chair that looked like it was stolen from a 1950s grandmother’s house. You know, the kind with way too many flowers and that questionable smell of lavender and... regret. The clown, whose name was probably something ridiculous like “Bingo” or “Sparkles,” sat there for days. Or maybe it was years. It’s hard to tell when your only companions are flowers that smell better than you and shoes that are two sizes too big. He wasn’t quite sure how he ended up in this floral prison, but he had a feeling it involved one too many tequila shots and a dare gone horribly wrong. Clowns, after all, weren’t known for their life choices. As Sparkles (we’re just going to call him that) slumped deeper into the overstuffed armchair—like a sad sack of potatoes in a velvet tracksuit—he sighed. Not a cute little sigh either. It was more like the kind of sound you make when you realize your credit card bill is due, and you’ve been buying “self-care” items from online influencers for three weeks straight. Yup, Sparkles was tired. And not just “I need a nap” tired—no, he was bone-weary, soul-crushing, existential-crisis tired. The kind that comes from a life of painted smiles and pratfalls, all while your internal monologue is screaming “Why do I even bother?” The flowers didn’t help. They were too bright, too cheerful, like those people who always tell you to “look on the bright side.” If Sparkles had a dollar for every time someone said that to him, he wouldn’t be sitting in this hideous chair. He’d be in a mansion somewhere, probably still miserable, but at least he’d have good Wi-Fi. He looked at the petals around him, blooming with obnoxious, vibrant joy, and wondered if they were mocking him. If flowers could laugh, these ones would sound like a bad laugh track from a 90s sitcom. “Oh look at you, Sparkles,” they seemed to whisper, “sitting there all mopey while we’re out here thriving. Pathetic.” But it wasn’t his fault. He tried, okay? He tried the whole 'happy clown' thing, but it turns out there’s only so much glitter and red nose-wearing a person can do before the crushing weight of absurdity sets in. And now? Well, now he was just a weird guy with face paint, sitting alone in a chair that screamed “I’ve given up” louder than his last relationship did. The flowers weren’t the only weird thing though. There was a strange smell. It wasn't coming from him—though let's be honest, he wasn't exactly fresh. No, this smell was more... floral? But also kind of like old socks? The kind you find in the bottom of your gym bag that have been there since the last time you actually exercised—which was, let’s face it, 2017. Sparkles wrinkled his nose and glanced around. Maybe it was the chair? Had the chair always smelled like that? It had definitely seen some things. He was pretty sure if it could talk, it would tell stories that would make him blush. And he was a clown. Blushing was practically part of the uniform. One of the flowers—a particularly smug-looking rose—swayed gently as if to say, “What, you thought this was going to get better? Honey, you’re a clown in a floral chair. Just embrace the weirdness.” And honestly, that was solid advice. Sparkles took a deep breath, or at least as deep as you can when you’re wearing pants made of satin that squeak every time you move. He decided then and there to stop caring. If the flowers wanted to mock him, fine. If his shoes were too big, whatever. If he was sitting in what looked like the living room of a retired circus performer who had an unhealthy obsession with floral patterns, so be it. He was Sparkles, dammit, and if this was his life now, he was going to make the most of it. He reached down, grabbing one of the overgrown dahlias next to him. “Hey,” he muttered to it, “you’re coming with me.” The flower didn’t resist (because, let’s be real, it was a flower). He placed it in the pocket of his garish jacket, giving himself a little flair. If he was going to be a sad clown in a ridiculous chair, at least he could accessorize. And that was that. Sparkles, now with a newfound sense of defiant apathy, sat back, crossed his oversized feet, and stared off into the middle distance, waiting for whatever came next. Probably more flowers. Or maybe a nap. Either way, he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. The chair had claimed him, and honestly, he was okay with that. After all, it wasn’t the worst thing that had happened to him. That honor went to the time he tried to juggle chainsaws at a bachelorette party. But that’s a story for another day.     The Ballad of Sparkles the Clown Oh Sparkles the clown, in his floral despair, Sits slumped in a chair that smells worse than the air. His shoes are too big, his life’s a sad joke, And his satin pants squeak every time that he spoke. “What the hell happened? Where did it go wrong?” He wonders while tugging his pant leg along. Was it the booze? The tequila? The shots? Or that one time with chainsaws? (He forgets lots). “The flowers are smug,” Sparkles whispers with spite, “They mock me, they taunt me, with colors so bright.” Those roses, those dahlias, those blooms full of cheer, He glared at them all with a cynical sneer. “Oh sure, you look happy, so plump and so lush,” But you don’t know crap about being a mush!” He pulled at his ruffles, adjusted his nose, And mumbled some insults at the damned happy rose. His hair was like cotton, his smile was a mess, But Sparkles the clown was done caring, I guess. He’d given up hope, tossed it all to the wind, And sat there like laundry no one bothered to spin. “Screw it,” he said, with a chuckle and snort, “I’m a clown in a chair. What more can I court?” He crossed his fat feet, leaned back with a shrug, And whispered, “Life’s short. Let’s all just say... 'bug!'” So Sparkles stayed put, in his floral cocoon, A clown in the corner, humming some tune. If you find him someday, don’t ask him what’s wrong— He’s busy not caring. (And the flowers? Still strong.)     Feeling inspired by Sparkles' floral-infused existential crisis? Or maybe you just need something to brighten up your home that screams “I’ve given up, but make it fashion”? Either way, you can bring a bit of that quirky clown energy into your life. Check out throw pillows that will cushion your own self-loathing, or grab a fleece blanket to wrap yourself in while you ponder your poor life choices. If you’re more of the artsy type (and let’s face it, aren’t we all pretending to be?), hang a wood print of Sparkles on your wall and let him judge you from the corner of the room. And for those who really want to take the clown on the go, there’s even a stylish tote bag—because nothing says 'I'm over it' like carrying your groceries with a sad clown by your side. Shop now and embrace the weirdness!