Epic fantasy comedy

by Bill Tiepelman

Mushroom Monarch in Winter

Deep within the frostbitten woods of the Wibbly Wobbly Forest—where nothing is quite as it seems—there lived a peculiar little creature known as Fizzlefrump. Officially, Fizzlefrump was the self-declared "Mushroom Monarch," a title they had proudly scribbled on a soggy leaf and ceremoniously nailed to a rotting stump. Whether anyone else acknowledged this title was irrelevant; Fizzlefrump had the crown (mushrooms count, don’t they?) and a regal swagger to match. It wasn’t an easy job ruling over a kingdom of fungi. Mushrooms, as it turns out, are terrible conversationalists. “Tell me your secrets, O great toadstools!” Fizzlefrump would bellow, standing atop their royal stump, only to be met with frosty silence and the occasional spore puff. Yet, Fizzlefrump persisted, convinced that one day, the mushrooms would reveal the mysteries of the universe. Or at least how to keep their fuzzy socks from freezing solid. The Royal Duties of Fizzlefrump Every morning, Fizzlefrump embarked on their daily rounds, inspecting their fungal subjects with a magnifying glass held aloft like a scepter. They took their job very seriously. A crooked mushroom? Straightened. A frostbitten cap? Polished with a spit-shine and a grumble. “You’re welcome,” they’d mutter to a cluster of particularly ungrateful chanterelles. On Tuesdays, the monarch hosted the “Mushroom Moot,” a weekly event where forest critters could voice their complaints. The turnout was usually poor. Last week, a raccoon showed up to complain about the lack of decent dumpsters in the forest. Fizzlefrump, as any good monarch would, nodded sagely and offered a detailed plan involving a catapult and an abandoned pizza box. The raccoon, oddly impressed, bowed and called them "Your Mushy Majesty" on the way out. A Visitor from the Outside One particularly frosty evening, as the forest glittered under a veil of ice, a strange figure stumbled into the Mushroom Kingdom. Clad in an oversized parka and looking very much like a lumpy snowman, the stranger introduced themselves as Gary, a professional mushroom forager. “Ah-ha!” Fizzlefrump exclaimed, puffing out their chest. “A lowly commoner come to pay tribute to the Monarch of Mushrooms, I see!” Gary, holding a half-eaten granola bar, blinked. “What?” Fizzlefrump squinted. “You there, peasant! State your business before the crown!” They tugged at their mushroom-laden curls for emphasis, sending a sprinkle of frost into the air. It was both regal and slightly sneeze-inducing. “I’m... just here for mushrooms?” Gary offered hesitantly. “To, you know, eat?” There was a long, dramatic pause. The kind that only occurs when one’s entire worldview is shattered in real-time. “Eat?” Fizzlefrump finally whispered, their glowing blue eyes narrowing. “My subjects? My loyal, squishy kingdom? How dare you!” Before Gary could respond, Fizzlefrump grabbed a nearby twig (which they dubbed “The Mighty Stick of Justice”) and began chasing the bewildered forager in circles around the stump. “OUTLAW!” Fizzlefrump bellowed. “INFIDEL! FRIEND OF SALADS!” The Great Mushroom Rebellion Word of the incident spread quickly through the forest. Squirrels whispered about it over acorn lattes, and an owl who had seen the whole thing promptly wrote a passive-aggressive poem titled "The Monarch’s Meltdown." Meanwhile, Fizzlefrump retreated to their moss-covered den, fuming. “This is an outrage!” they grumbled to a cluster of frost-dusted morels. “We must protect the kingdom at all costs! Even if it means war!” The mushrooms, predictably, did not respond. But Fizzlefrump was undeterred. They spent the next week building an elaborate defense system made entirely of twigs, icicles, and an alarming amount of raccoon fur. Gary, to his credit, never returned. He later described the experience as “oddly enlightening” and took up basket weaving instead. A Peaceful Resolution Eventually, Fizzlefrump’s rage subsided, replaced by a newfound sense of purpose. They declared the Mushroom Kingdom a sanctuary, banning all foraging under penalty of being hit with the “Mighty Stick of Justice” (which, upon closer inspection, was just a soggy twig). Life returned to its peculiar rhythm. Fizzlefrump resumed their rounds, their mushroom crown as frosty and fabulous as ever. The kingdom flourished, undisturbed by outsiders, and the monarch's glowing blue eyes sparkled with pride. And so, the Mushroom Monarch ruled on, their reign marked by equal parts whimsy, chaos, and an unshakable belief that mushrooms were destined to one day crown them the supreme ruler of all things squishy. Until then, there were socks to thaw and toadstools to polish. Long live Fizzlefrump, the quirkiest ruler the Wibbly Wobbly Forest has ever seen.     Explore the Archive This whimsical artwork, "Mushroom Monarch in Winter," is available for prints, downloads, and licensing. Visit our Image Archive to bring a touch of fantasy into your collection.

by Bill Tiepelman

Game of Croaks and Oinks - Sword & Sass

Game of Croaks and Oinks In the verdant swamplands of Ribbitshire, Sir Kermit the Green—a noble knight of the Lily Order—had lived a life of quiet bravery. Across the border, in the porcine lands of Snoutholm, Lady Piggy of House Porcine reigned supreme, her iron will matched only by her love for luxury. Though their worlds were as different as mud and water, fate had other plans for the amphibian and the boar. The Tavern Incident It all began on a humid evening at The Crooked Tadpole, a tavern infamous for its watered-down mead and poorly thought-out open mic nights. Kermit, seeking a brief respite from courtly duties, was enjoying a mug of fermented fly beer when Piggy stormed in. Draped in a fur cloak and brimming with sass, she demanded the bartender “fetch something that doesn’t taste like a swamp boot.” The two locked eyes across the smoky room. Piggy scoffed, unimpressed by the quiet knight in the corner, while Kermit muttered under his breath, “Great. Another loudmouth noble.” Neither had planned to speak to the other. But when a drunken minstrel tripped, spilling an entire pitcher of mead on Piggy’s boots, her shriek of outrage shook the rafters. In the chaos, Kermit accidentally knocked over his chair, which toppled into the tavern’s taxidermy bear—a prize possession of the local lord. The bear collapsed, crushing the innkeeper’s prized lute and setting off a chain reaction that ended with the entire tavern on fire. In the aftermath, as villagers gathered to gawk at the flames, the local baron arrived, demanding to know who was responsible. Piggy, covered in soot, pointed dramatically at Kermit. “HIM!” she declared. “The green oaf!” Kermit retaliated with a calm yet cutting rebuttal. “I wasn’t the one screeching like a banshee and throwing furniture.” “HOW DARE YOU!” Piggy bellowed. Before anyone could stop her, she drew her jeweled dagger and lunged at him. Kermit, dodging expertly, slipped on a puddle of ale and knocked both of them into a rain barrel. By the time the baron managed to break up the brawl, the two were soaking wet, furious, and sentenced to repair the tavern together under threat of exile. The Coronation Chaos As luck—or misfortune—would have it, word of their "heroic" actions (completely exaggerated by a traveling bard) reached the king. Believing they had “selflessly” saved the tavern from total destruction, the king invited both Kermit and Piggy to the royal court for a feast in their honor. Neither wanted to go. Kermit hated pomp and circumstance, while Piggy found the whole ordeal beneath her. But refusing the king’s summons was a surefire way to lose one’s head—or at least one’s lands—so they begrudgingly attended. The feast began innocently enough, with roasted pheasant, honeyed figs, and a suspiciously slimy soup that only Kermit seemed to enjoy. However, as the evening progressed, things took a turn. A courtier made the mistake of calling Piggy “plump” in her presence, resulting in a well-aimed drumstick being launched across the room. Meanwhile, Kermit found himself in a heated debate with the king’s advisor about the ethical treatment of swamp creatures, which ended with the advisor storming off in a huff. The climax of the evening came when the king, slightly tipsy, declared, “These two should rule together! A frog and a pig—what a jolly jest!” The court erupted into laughter, but the king wasn’t joking. To Kermit and Piggy’s horror, the king had a marriage contract drawn up on the spot. Despite their protests, the document was signed and sealed before the feast was over. The Reluctant Rulers Now crowned King Croak and Queen Sass, the unlikely duo found themselves ruling the kingdom of Ribsnort, a newly united land combining Ribbitshire and Snoutholm. Their reign got off to a rocky start, with constant arguments over everything from castle decor (“No, Kermit, we are NOT hanging lily pads in the royal dining hall!”) to military strategy (“Piggy, I don’t think ‘charge in screaming’ is a viable plan.”). Their bickering, however, proved to be surprisingly effective. When an assassin attempted to poison the royal stew, Piggy’s insistence on sampling everything first saved Kermit’s life. When a rival lord attempted to stage a coup, Kermit’s calm negotiation skills (and Piggy’s ability to throw a chair like a catapult) managed to thwart the rebellion. The Unexpected Bond Over time, their mutual disdain turned into begrudging respect. Piggy admired Kermit’s wisdom and his ability to remain calm under pressure. Kermit, meanwhile, couldn’t help but admire Piggy’s fierce determination and her ability to command a room. The pair began to work together, combining their strengths to rule Ribsnort with a unique blend of diplomacy and sass. Their subjects adored them, often referring to them as “the bickering parents of the realm.” Even the king, who had initially orchestrated their union as a joke, admitted they were surprisingly effective leaders. The Legacy of Croak and Sass Years later, bards would sing of King Croak and Queen Sass, the frog and the boar who turned a drunken tavern brawl into a legendary reign. They were remembered not just for their unconventional partnership, but for proving that even the most unlikely pairings could create something extraordinary. And though they’d never admit it, late at night, in the privacy of the royal chambers, Kermit and Piggy would often laugh about how it all began—with a spilled mug of mead and a burning tavern.     Bring "Sword & Sass" Into Your World Celebrate the epic saga of King Croak and Queen Sass with exclusive merchandise! Whether you're a fan of fantasy humor, whimsical art, or unforgettable characters, these products are perfect additions to your collection—or the ideal gift for a fellow adventurer. Explore the options below: Tapestry: Transform any space with the bold and whimsical artwork of Sword & Sass, perfect for a dramatic flair in your home. Canvas Print: Elevate your walls with this stunning piece of fantasy art, a perfect centerpiece for any room. Puzzle: Dive into the details of this epic artwork piece by piece with a high-quality puzzle that’s as fun as the story itself. Spiral Notebook: Take your notes or jot down your own epic tales in a notebook that’s as unique as your imagination. Visit the full collection at our shop and bring the legend of Sword & Sass into your world today!