fantasy couple

by Bill Tiepelman

Cheeky Forest Dwellers

Interview with the Cheeky Forest Dwellers Welcome to a very special (and chaotic) interview with two of the forest’s most infamous troublemakers. We sat down with the delightful duo, Hank and Gertie, to hear about life, love, and why they refuse to act their age. Warning: this interview contains snark, sass, and mushroom-infused moonshine. Interview Highlights Interviewer: So, Hank and Gertie, thanks for sitting down with us today! You two are quite the pair. How long have you been… uh, “together”? Hank: Together? Ha! She’s been stuck with me since the Summer of ’834. Just sorta latched on like a barnacle on a troll's backside. Gertie: Oh, please. If I’m a barnacle, then you’re the sea slug I’m stuck on. He wooed me with a wilted dandelion bouquet and the promise of free mushroom stew. Real charmer, this one. --- Interviewer: Wow, quite the romantic beginning! So, what’s kept you two together for… checks notes… over a thousand years? Gertie: It’s simple. I keep him around ‘cause he knows how to build a good fire and he’s got a high tolerance for my cooking. And because he’s too slow to run away. Hank: And I stick with her ‘cause she laughs at all my jokes, even the bad ones. Plus, she’s handy with a slingshot when the squirrels get cheeky. Gertie: True. Nothing says romance like warding off a squirrel invasion together. They don’t tell you that in fairy tales. --- Interviewer: Speaking of squirrels… you two have a bit of a reputation in the forest. Care to comment on all the mischief? Hank: Mischief? Us? Look, if we’re not keeping things lively, the place would be dull as dirt. Someone’s gotta keep these mushrooms on their toes. Gertie: Exactly. Life’s short, even for us gnomes. Might as well spend it playing tricks, throwing pine cones, and generally causing a ruckus. Keeps us young. Hank: Besides, we’re practically celebrities ‘round here. The pixies tell legends about us! "The Great Gnome Fart Fiasco of ’976”—ever heard of it? Gertie: *rolls eyes* Let’s not get into that one. We nearly got banished for a year after that stunt. --- Interviewer: I can’t believe I’m asking this, but any relationship advice for the young gnomes out there? Gertie: Sure. Find someone who doesn’t mind that you snore like a bear or that your idea of a bath is wading through a mud puddle once a month. Hank: And someone who can handle your… “unique talents.” Like her mushroom casserole. Tastes like dirt, but you won’t hear me complainin’—mostly because she’d whack me with her ladle. Gertie: That’s the spirit. Just remember, kids, love is all about tolerance. And sometimes a good dose of blindfolds and nose plugs. --- Interviewer: One last question—what’s the secret to staying so… lively? Hank: Easy! A nip of mossy moonshine every morning and a solid diet of insults. Keeps the blood pumpin’ and the heart rate high. Gertie: And don’t take life too seriously. If you can’t laugh at yourself, find someone else to laugh at. Like Hank here. He’s got a face only a blind troll could love. Hank: And she’s got a laugh that could wake the dead. But that’s love, ain’t it? Gertie: *grins* I guess so. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a mushroom hunt to get to. And a few squirrels who could use a good scare. With that, the Cheeky Forest Dwellers stomped off, arm in arm, leaving behind only the faint scent of mushroom stew and an echo of mischievous laughter. --- The Secret to Cheeky Love For all their crassness, Hank and Gertie’s long-lived love reminds us that a little snark, a lot of laughs, and a mutual appreciation for mischief may just be the recipe for happily-ever-after… in gnome years, anyway. The (Unlikely) Tale of How Hank and Gertie Met Long before they were the most infamous pranksters of the forest, Hank and Gertie were just two solitary gnomes with reputations for causing trouble in their own unique ways. Here’s the (mostly true) tale of how these two stubborn souls first crossed paths… The Festival of the Fungi It was during the annual Festival of the Fungi—a legendary event held in the deepest part of the enchanted forest. Gnomes, pixies, and critters from all over gathered to celebrate the wonders of wild mushrooms. There was food, music, mushroom-flavored moonshine, and, of course, plenty of mischief. Hank, already a well-known menace, was in his element. He’d spent the whole evening challenging other gnomes to drinking contests and trying to steal hats off the heads of every passing pixie. With his long beard and his wild laugh echoing through the forest, he was hard to miss. Gertie, meanwhile, had come for the mushrooms. She wasn’t interested in festivities or flirtations—she was there on a mission. She had a particular fondness for the rare Glowcap Shroom, which only appeared once a century. Unfortunately for her, the Glowcap patch was surrounded by rowdy gnomes, with none other than Hank smack in the middle, drunkenly challenging anyone who crossed his path. The (Not So) Meet-Cute Gertie rolled her eyes and waded through the chaos, determined to reach her prized mushrooms. Just as she stretched her hand toward a perfect Glowcap, Hank lurched forward and stepped on it, squashing the shroom under his big muddy boot. Gertie: Hey! You big oaf! That was the rarest shroom in the forest! Hank: *looks down, grinning* Whoops. Didn’t see it there. Maybe if you got a pair o’ spectacles, you’d find a shroom without trippin’ over your own feet. Gertie: Tripping over my own feet? I’ve half a mind to wallop you with my basket! Hank: Go ahead, sweetheart. Bet you couldn’t knock over a feather if you tried. And that was all it took. In an instant, Gertie had grabbed her basket, wound up, and whacked Hank squarely across the beard. The slap echoed through the forest, stopping the music and drawing the attention of every gnome, pixie, and squirrel nearby. Hank: *laughing* Feisty one, aren’t ya? I think I like you! Gertie: *glaring* Well, I don’t like you! And I’d like you even less if you keep squashing mushrooms under your clumsy feet. A Prank War Begins Hank, being the foolhardy gnome he was, saw this as a challenge. For the rest of the festival, he followed Gertie around, pulling every prank he could think of. He’d hide her basket, replace her mushroom samples with rocks, and even sprinkle itching powder on her hat. Gertie, far from backing down, retaliated in kind. She “accidentally” spilled mushroom stew on his boots, planted stinkweed in his path, and once even put a toad in his bedroll. By the end of the festival, both of them were exhausted, filthy, and still arguing. But there was something neither of them could ignore—beneath all the insults and pranks, they’d started to enjoy each other’s company. Somewhere between the mushroom stew mishap and the toad incident, a strange, grudging respect had blossomed. A Strange Proposal As the Festival of the Fungi wound down, Hank turned to Gertie, grinning his signature, lopsided grin. Hank: Tell ya what, Gertie. How ‘bout we keep this going? I could use a lady with a mean swing and a taste for mischief. Gertie: *scoffs* Only if you promise not to squash any more Glowcaps under those big, clumsy feet of yours. Hank: Deal. Long as you promise not to hit me with that basket again. Hard enough being a gnome without a concussion. And just like that, they struck a deal—a partnership in chaos, a truce between pranksters, and, perhaps, the beginning of something resembling love. They’d argue, prank, and torment each other for centuries to come, bound together by a shared love of mischief and a mutual refusal to act their age. And that’s how Hank and Gertie, the Cheeky Forest Dwellers, met—over a squashed Glowcap and a mutual willingness to annoy each other for the rest of their very long lives. Bring the Cheeky Forest Dwellers Home! If you’ve fallen for the mischievous charm of Hank and Gertie, why not invite a little of their cheeky spirit into your own space? Our Cheeky Forest Dwellers Collection captures all the humor, sass, and rustic whimsy of this unforgettable duo. Perfect for anyone who loves a good laugh and a touch of woodland magic! Tapestry – Add a bold touch of gnome mischief to any wall with our vibrant tapestry, perfect for bringing a slice of enchanted forest into your home. Framed Print – Capture Hank and Gertie’s timeless snark in a beautifully framed print, ideal for those who appreciate a bit of character in their decor Jigsaw Puzzle – Piece together the charm of this dynamic duo with a puzzle that’s as fun and quirky as they are. A perfect gift for gnome lovers and puzzle enthusiasts alike! Tote Bag – Carry a bit of cheeky charm wherever you go with this sturdy tote, featuring Hank and Gertie’s unforgettable expressions. Embrace the magic, humor, and pure cheekiness of the forest’s most famous gnome couple! Check out the full collection here.

by Bill Tiepelman

Crimson and Shadow: A Love Torn by the Tempest

The storm had been brewing for centuries, but tonight it was angrier than ever. The skies above churned with violent clouds, crackling with lightning that threatened to tear the world apart. And there, on the edge of it all—where the sea met the sky, where fire met shadow—stood two figures. Lady Seraphina of the Crimson Flame, a woman whose beauty was as dangerous as the fire that seemed to swirl from the very fabric of her gown. She stood tall, unbothered by the wind whipping around her, eyes fixed on the warlord beside her, her mouth curled in the hint of a smirk. Her crimson gown billowed in the tempest, each fold dancing like tongues of flame. Beside her, Lord Malachar, the Warlord of Shadows, seemed carved from the very storm itself. His armor, jagged and dark as night, pulsed with the energy of lightning and thunder. His helm was a crown of spikes, his gauntleted hand gripping a massive sword that seemed forged from the storm’s wrath. A wicked blade that hummed with malevolent power, just waiting to strike. And, for a moment, they stood together in the chaos, watching the world collapse in on itself. A Conversation Under the Storm "Well," Seraphina said, her voice light despite the carnage around them. "This is cozy." Malachar’s shadowed form shifted, his eyes glowing faintly beneath his helm. "You find this... cozy?" His voice was a low growl, a rumble that could almost be mistaken for thunder. He sounded unimpressed, as if the apocalypse happening around them wasn’t quite what he had expected for date night. Seraphina laughed—a sound that cut through the wind like a knife. "Don’t be so grim, darling. It’s romantic in its own way." She turned to face him fully, her crimson gown swirling dramatically. "It’s just you, me, and the end of the world. What could be more intimate than that?" Malachar’s grip tightened on his sword, sparks crackling along the blade. "Romantic, is it?" he muttered. "I suppose you enjoy the smell of sulfur and the impending doom?" “Sulfur smells better than whatever it is you’ve been brooding in lately,” she quipped, wrinkling her nose in exaggerated disgust. “When’s the last time you aired out that armor? You smell like—what is it?—oh yes, death and regret.” Malachar rolled his eyes beneath his helm, though no one would know it. The man was a walking mountain of shadow and steel, but somewhere beneath all the darkness, there was still a person—a person who, unfortunately, had fallen in love with the most infuriating woman in existence. “I don’t have time for your games,” he grumbled. “The storm is upon us. You know what’s coming.” Love in the Eye of the Storm Seraphina’s smile faded for just a moment as she looked back out at the ocean. The waves were fierce, crashing against the shore with the force of a thousand battles. Lightning split the sky, momentarily illuminating their twisted, broken world. The storm had come for them, just as they always knew it would. The time had come to choose—fire or shadow. Passion or destruction. “Oh, I know what’s coming,” Seraphina said quietly. “I’ve always known.” Her eyes flicked back to him, softening just a fraction. “But just because the world is ending doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun first, right?” “Fun?” Malachar raised an armored brow, though it was hidden by his dark helm. “Do you think this is a game, Seraphina? Our world is burning, the storm is tearing it apart, and you want to dance in the ashes?” “Why not?” she replied, her voice full of fire and mischief. “We’ve been fighting this storm for as long as I can remember. If it’s finally here, I say we make the most of it.” Malachar stared at her for a long moment, his sword still crackling with storm energy. Then, to her surprise, he lowered it. “You’re absolutely mad,” he said, his tone dark but with a trace of something that almost sounded like affection. “And you love me for it,” she teased, stepping closer to him, her hand brushing against his armored chest. “Admit it.” “I love you in spite of it,” he corrected, though there was a glint in his eyes that suggested otherwise. The storm raged on around them, but in that moment, it seemed far away—just the sound of distant thunder. A War of Fire and Shadow But love, like all things, could only hold back the storm for so long. “The storm isn’t going to wait for us to settle our differences,” Malachar warned, his grip tightening once again on his sword. “Soon it will consume us. Fire and shadow can’t exist together, Seraphina. You know this.” “Oh, I know,” she said, her voice suddenly cold. “I’ve always known.” She stepped back, the wind catching her crimson gown, flaring it out around her like flames. “And I’ve always known that one of us would have to fall.” Malachar’s hand twitched at his sword hilt. “You’re making this sound like a Shakespearean tragedy,” he muttered. “We both know how those end.” “Oh, darling,” she said with a wicked smile, “this isn’t a tragedy. It’s just... dramatic.” Before he could respond, Seraphina moved like the flame she was, swift and fierce. Her hands sparked with crimson fire as she sent a wave of heat toward him. Malachar barely had time to raise his sword, deflecting the attack as lightning cracked above them. “So it begins,” he growled, his voice tinged with both sorrow and anticipation. “I always knew it would come to this.” “Oh, don’t be so moody,” Seraphina quipped as she conjured another blast of flame. “Let’s make this fun. At least one of us should enjoy the apocalypse.” The Last Dance They fought beneath the storm—fire against shadow, passion against destruction. Each strike was a symphony of fury, their power rippling through the earth and sky. The storm was drawn to them, its lightning flashing in sync with their battle, as if the very heavens were watching this final, twisted dance. “This could have been easier,” Malachar said, swinging his lightning-fueled blade toward her. “You could have just... given in.” Seraphina dodged, her laughter rising above the howling wind. “Given in? What kind of love story would that be?” She sent another wave of flame toward him, her eyes glowing with the heat of it. “Besides, you’ve always liked the challenge.” He deflected her fire, but his movements were slowing. His dark energy was waning, and Seraphina could see it. She smirked, stepping closer, ready for the final strike. “Malachar,” she said softly, almost tenderly. “Do you really think I’d let the storm take you from me? After everything?” He hesitated, his sword lowering just slightly. “What are you—” Before he could finish, she was there—her lips crashing against his in a fiery, desperate kiss. For a moment, time itself seemed to still. The storm above them roared, the waves crashed... but for just a heartbeat, there was only them. Fire and shadow, locked in an eternal embrace. Then, with a crack of lightning, Seraphina pulled away, smiling that same wicked smile she always did when she knew she’d won. “Sorry, love,” she whispered, and with a flick of her wrist, she unleashed a final burst of crimson flame. The End of Fire and Shadow The storm surged around them, devouring their final battle in fire, lightning, and shadow. When the smoke cleared, only the storm remained—raging, unrelenting, as if it had been waiting for this moment all along. And in the aftermath of their twisted love story, where fire met shadow, there was nothing left but ash and memory. But perhaps, somewhere deep within the heart of the storm, they still danced—forever locked in their fiery, tempestuous love, never quite together, but never fully apart.    Bring the Storm of Fire and Shadow Into Your World If the tempestuous love of Seraphina and Malachar has captivated you, why not bring a piece of that dramatic world into your own space? Whether you’re a lover of dark fantasy or simply enjoy powerful imagery, we’ve got the perfect items to help you channel the intensity of "Crimson and Shadow." Crimson and Shadow Tapestry – Transform any room into a scene from their stormy world with this striking tapestry, capturing the clash of fire and darkness in vivid detail. Crimson and Shadow Puzzle – Immerse yourself in the dramatic artwork piece by piece with this intricate puzzle. It’s perfect for anyone who enjoys putting together their favorite fantasy worlds. Crimson and Shadow Greeting Card – Share the magic and intensity with someone special by sending them this beautifully designed card, featuring Seraphina and Malachar locked in their eternal battle. Crimson and Shadow Pouch – Keep your essentials secure with this stylish pouch, adorned with the fiery passion and stormy energy of the "Crimson and Shadow" duo. Each product brings the dark, enchanting world of "Crimson and Shadow" into your daily life. Whether you're decorating your space or sending a message, let the stormy love story inspire you. Explore more at Unfocussed Shop.