by Bill Tiepelman
Cheeky Forest Dwellers
Interview with the Cheeky Forest Dwellers Welcome to a very special (and chaotic) interview with two of the forestโs most infamous troublemakers. We sat down with the delightful duo, Hank and Gertie, to hear about life, love, and why they refuse to act their age. Warning: this interview contains snark, sass, and mushroom-infused moonshine. Interview Highlights Interviewer: So, Hank and Gertie, thanks for sitting down with us today! You two are quite the pair. How long have you beenโฆ uh, โtogetherโ? Hank: Together? Ha! Sheโs been stuck with me since the Summer of โ834. Just sorta latched on like a barnacle on a troll's backside. Gertie: Oh, please. If Iโm a barnacle, then youโre the sea slug Iโm stuck on. He wooed me with a wilted dandelion bouquet and the promise of free mushroom stew. Real charmer, this one. --- Interviewer: Wow, quite the romantic beginning! So, whatโs kept you two together forโฆ checks notesโฆ over a thousand years? Gertie: Itโs simple. I keep him around โcause he knows how to build a good fire and heโs got a high tolerance for my cooking. And because heโs too slow to run away. Hank: And I stick with her โcause she laughs at all my jokes, even the bad ones. Plus, sheโs handy with a slingshot when the squirrels get cheeky. Gertie: True. Nothing says romance like warding off a squirrel invasion together. They donโt tell you that in fairy tales. --- Interviewer: Speaking of squirrelsโฆ you two have a bit of a reputation in the forest. Care to comment on all the mischief? Hank: Mischief? Us? Look, if weโre not keeping things lively, the place would be dull as dirt. Someoneโs gotta keep these mushrooms on their toes. Gertie: Exactly. Lifeโs short, even for us gnomes. Might as well spend it playing tricks, throwing pine cones, and generally causing a ruckus. Keeps us young. Hank: Besides, weโre practically celebrities โround here. The pixies tell legends about us! "The Great Gnome Fart Fiasco of โ976โโever heard of it? Gertie: *rolls eyes* Letโs not get into that one. We nearly got banished for a year after that stunt. --- Interviewer: I canโt believe Iโm asking this, but any relationship advice for the young gnomes out there? Gertie: Sure. Find someone who doesnโt mind that you snore like a bear or that your idea of a bath is wading through a mud puddle once a month. Hank: And someone who can handle yourโฆ โunique talents.โ Like her mushroom casserole. Tastes like dirt, but you wonโt hear me complaininโโmostly because sheโd whack me with her ladle. Gertie: Thatโs the spirit. Just remember, kids, love is all about tolerance. And sometimes a good dose of blindfolds and nose plugs. --- Interviewer: One last questionโwhatโs the secret to staying soโฆ lively? Hank: Easy! A nip of mossy moonshine every morning and a solid diet of insults. Keeps the blood pumpinโ and the heart rate high. Gertie: And donโt take life too seriously. If you canโt laugh at yourself, find someone else to laugh at. Like Hank here. Heโs got a face only a blind troll could love. Hank: And sheโs got a laugh that could wake the dead. But thatโs love, ainโt it? Gertie: *grins* I guess so. Now, if youโll excuse us, weโve got a mushroom hunt to get to. And a few squirrels who could use a good scare. With that, the Cheeky Forest Dwellers stomped off, arm in arm, leaving behind only the faint scent of mushroom stew and an echo of mischievous laughter. --- The Secret to Cheeky Love For all their crassness, Hank and Gertieโs long-lived love reminds us that a little snark, a lot of laughs, and a mutual appreciation for mischief may just be the recipe for happily-ever-afterโฆ in gnome years, anyway. The (Unlikely) Tale of How Hank and Gertie Met Long before they were the most infamous pranksters of the forest, Hank and Gertie were just two solitary gnomes with reputations for causing trouble in their own unique ways. Hereโs the (mostly true) tale of how these two stubborn souls first crossed pathsโฆ The Festival of the Fungi It was during the annual Festival of the Fungiโa legendary event held in the deepest part of the enchanted forest. Gnomes, pixies, and critters from all over gathered to celebrate the wonders of wild mushrooms. There was food, music, mushroom-flavored moonshine, and, of course, plenty of mischief. Hank, already a well-known menace, was in his element. Heโd spent the whole evening challenging other gnomes to drinking contests and trying to steal hats off the heads of every passing pixie. With his long beard and his wild laugh echoing through the forest, he was hard to miss. Gertie, meanwhile, had come for the mushrooms. She wasnโt interested in festivities or flirtationsโshe was there on a mission. She had a particular fondness for the rare Glowcap Shroom, which only appeared once a century. Unfortunately for her, the Glowcap patch was surrounded by rowdy gnomes, with none other than Hank smack in the middle, drunkenly challenging anyone who crossed his path. The (Not So) Meet-Cute Gertie rolled her eyes and waded through the chaos, determined to reach her prized mushrooms. Just as she stretched her hand toward a perfect Glowcap, Hank lurched forward and stepped on it, squashing the shroom under his big muddy boot. Gertie: Hey! You big oaf! That was the rarest shroom in the forest! Hank: *looks down, grinning* Whoops. Didnโt see it there. Maybe if you got a pair oโ spectacles, youโd find a shroom without trippinโ over your own feet. Gertie: Tripping over my own feet? Iโve half a mind to wallop you with my basket! Hank: Go ahead, sweetheart. Bet you couldnโt knock over a feather if you tried. And that was all it took. In an instant, Gertie had grabbed her basket, wound up, and whacked Hank squarely across the beard. The slap echoed through the forest, stopping the music and drawing the attention of every gnome, pixie, and squirrel nearby. Hank: *laughing* Feisty one, arenโt ya? I think I like you! Gertie: *glaring* Well, I donโt like you! And Iโd like you even less if you keep squashing mushrooms under your clumsy feet. A Prank War Begins Hank, being the foolhardy gnome he was, saw this as a challenge. For the rest of the festival, he followed Gertie around, pulling every prank he could think of. Heโd hide her basket, replace her mushroom samples with rocks, and even sprinkle itching powder on her hat. Gertie, far from backing down, retaliated in kind. She โaccidentallyโ spilled mushroom stew on his boots, planted stinkweed in his path, and once even put a toad in his bedroll. By the end of the festival, both of them were exhausted, filthy, and still arguing. But there was something neither of them could ignoreโbeneath all the insults and pranks, theyโd started to enjoy each otherโs company. Somewhere between the mushroom stew mishap and the toad incident, a strange, grudging respect had blossomed. A Strange Proposal As the Festival of the Fungi wound down, Hank turned to Gertie, grinning his signature, lopsided grin. Hank: Tell ya what, Gertie. How โbout we keep this going? I could use a lady with a mean swing and a taste for mischief. Gertie: *scoffs* Only if you promise not to squash any more Glowcaps under those big, clumsy feet of yours. Hank: Deal. Long as you promise not to hit me with that basket again. Hard enough being a gnome without a concussion. And just like that, they struck a dealโa partnership in chaos, a truce between pranksters, and, perhaps, the beginning of something resembling love. Theyโd argue, prank, and torment each other for centuries to come, bound together by a shared love of mischief and a mutual refusal to act their age. And thatโs how Hank and Gertie, the Cheeky Forest Dwellers, metโover a squashed Glowcap and a mutual willingness to annoy each other for the rest of their very long lives. Bring the Cheeky Forest Dwellers Home! If youโve fallen for the mischievous charm of Hank and Gertie, why not invite a little of their cheeky spirit into your own space? Our Cheeky Forest Dwellers Collection captures all the humor, sass, and rustic whimsy of this unforgettable duo. Perfect for anyone who loves a good laugh and a touch of woodland magic! Tapestry โ Add a bold touch of gnome mischief to any wall with our vibrant tapestry, perfect for bringing a slice of enchanted forest into your home. Framed Print โ Capture Hank and Gertieโs timeless snark in a beautifully framed print, ideal for those who appreciate a bit of character in their decor Jigsaw Puzzle โ Piece together the charm of this dynamic duo with a puzzle thatโs as fun and quirky as they are. A perfect gift for gnome lovers and puzzle enthusiasts alike! Tote Bag โ Carry a bit of cheeky charm wherever you go with this sturdy tote, featuring Hank and Gertieโs unforgettable expressions. Embrace the magic, humor, and pure cheekiness of the forestโs most famous gnome couple! Check out the full collection here.
