Gnome Folklore

by Bill Tiepelman

Laughing with Dragons: A Gnome's Joyful Moment

In a forest where the trees never stop gossiping and the mushrooms grow as tall as your ego, there lived a gnome named Grimble Bottomsworth. Grimble wasn’t just your average gnome—oh no, he was the gnome who could out-laugh a banshee, out-drink a troll, and out-flirt a tree nymph (not that the nymphs appreciated it). Sitting atop his favorite oversized toadstool, he was having one of his famous chuckling fits. But this time, he had a new partner in crime: a baby dragon named Snarky. Now, Snarky wasn’t your typical dragon. For starters, he was about the size of a house cat and didn’t breathe fire, but he did occasionally burp out something that smelled worse than an ogre’s armpit. Snarky flapped his tiny wings, perched in Grimble's grubby hand, puffing out his chest like he was the king of this absurdly colorful jungle. Grimble cackled. “Look at this little bugger! Thinks he’s fierce! Ha! You couldn’t roast a marshmallow if it begged ya, could ya, Snarky?” Snarky, feeling the insult (or maybe just responding to Grimble’s constant stench of ale and mushroom stew), let out a tiny, yet surprisingly sharp, flame that singed a bit of Grimble’s beard. The gnome paused, blinked, and then erupted into laughter so hearty that a nearby squirrel dropped its acorn in shock. “Oi! That’s the best ya got? My granny’s breath is hotter than that, and she’s been dead for forty years!” Grimble slapped his knee, almost tipping off the toadstool as his leathery boots dangled in the air. “Bloody brilliant!” The Unfortunate Toadstool Incident As Grimble kept laughing, his mushroom throne gave a low groan. You see, toadstools aren’t exactly made to support the weight of a gnome who spent most of his life binge-eating pies and downing mead. With a rather unceremonious squelch, the toadstool gave way, collapsing beneath Grimble’s rotund rear with a fart-like noise that echoed through the forest. “Well, bugger me sideways!” Grimble exclaimed as he found himself flat on his back, surrounded by the remnants of what was once his beloved mushroom seat. “That toadstool didn’t stand a chance, did it? Too much ale and… well, let’s just say I’ve had a few more pies than I should’ve.” Snarky let out a snicker, which was an odd sound coming from a dragon, but it seemed fitting. The tiny dragon flapped his wings, hovering just above Grimble’s beard, which had now caught a few mushroom chunks. “Oi! You laughing at me, ya scaly little fart?” Grimble grunted, wiping his hands on his tunic, smearing dirt and mushroom bits across it. “Bloody hell, this place is a mess. I look like a drunk dwarf after a wedding feast. Not that I’m much better at weddings either… well, not after what happened last time.” He trailed off, muttering something about a goat and too much wine. A Foul Bet “Tell ya what, Snarky,” Grimble said, still sprawled on the ground, one leg draped over a broken mushroom stalk, “if you can manage to burn that there big ol’ mushroom,” he pointed to a colossal red-capped toadstool about ten feet away, “I’ll get ya all the roasted rabbits you can stomach. But if you fail, you’ve gotta clean my boots for a month! And trust me, they smell worse than a troll after a spa day.” Snarky narrowed his eyes and let out a determined growl that sounded more like a hiccup. He swooped down to the ground, planted his tiny claws, and puffed up his chest. With a snort, he unleashed a pathetic puff of smoke that dissipated in the wind faster than Grimble’s last bit of dignity. “Oh, come on! My piss after a night at the tavern’s got more heat than that!” Grimble guffawed, rolling over and clutching his belly. “Looks like you’ll be lickin’ my boots clean, mate!” Snarky, thoroughly annoyed, darted forward and clamped his tiny jaws onto Grimble’s nose. It wasn’t enough to draw blood, but just enough to make the gnome yelp. “Oi! You cheeky bastard!” Grimble yelped, pulling the dragon off his face and glaring at him, though the effect was lost because he was still laughing. “Alright, alright, I’ll give ya a rabbit anyway, ya little shit.” He scratched the back of his head and let out a deep sigh, the kind only someone who’s eaten one too many pies could muster. The Aftermath As the day wore on, Grimble and Snarky settled into their usual routine of half-hearted bickering, mushroom-smashing, and general forest chaos. Despite their insults and shenanigans, they made quite the pair—both oddballs in their own right, united by their love of mischief and the fact that neither of them could take life (or each other) too seriously. And so, in the heart of the enchanted forest, with his belly full of pie and his beard smelling faintly of burnt mushrooms, Grimble Bottomsworth spent his days laughing with dragons, farting on mushrooms, and reminding anyone who crossed his path that even in a world full of magic, sometimes the best thing you can do is sit back, have a laugh, and let the dragon bite your nose when you've earned it. “Here’s to another day of nonsense,” Grimble said, raising his flask to Snarky, “and may your farts never be hotter than your breath, ya useless little lizard.” Snarky burped in response. “Atta boy.”     Bring the Whimsy Home! If you enjoyed Grimble’s wild antics and Snarky’s mischief, you can bring a piece of this magical world into your own! Check out these delightful products featuring "Laughing with Dragons: A Gnome's Joyful Moment": Jigsaw Puzzle – Perfect for piecing together Grimble’s hilarious adventures while enjoying some leisurely fun. Acrylic Print – Elevate your space with a vibrant, high-quality acrylic print that captures every laugh and mushroom fart in stunning detail. Greeting Card – Share a bit of Grimble’s joy with friends and family through whimsical greeting cards that feature this fantastical scene. Don’t miss out on these enchanting collectibles! Whether you’re a fan of puzzles or looking to brighten someone’s day with a card, these products bring the magic to life in your hands.  

by Bill Tiepelman

Happily Ever After... Mostly

Happily Ever After... Mostly Interviewer: Good afternoon, folks! Thanks for agreeing to sit down with us. You two look…well, quite the pair! How long have you been together? Jasper the Gnome (rocking the striped hat): Oh, it’s been what? 237 years, love? Greta the Gnome (arms crossed, not having it): Feels like 500. Jasper: She’s kidding! We met at the Gnome Shindig of ’787. She couldn’t resist my moves. Greta (deadpan): Yes, he was dancing on a toadstool and fell right off. I thought he was dead. Should’ve left him there. Interviewer: Wow, sounds like love at first…fall? Greta: More like an unfortunate accident that became a life sentence. You try saying no when a gnome proposes in front of the entire mushroom village. You’re stuck. Jasper (laughing): And what a beautiful life sentence it’s been! Don’t let her fool you—she’s my flower in the garden, my sun in the forest, my— Greta (interrupting): Ugh. Please, you romantic fool, the mushrooms are blushing. Let’s not pretend you don’t spend most of your days “foraging” for fungi with the lads. I haven’t seen you sober since last Midsummer's Eve. Interviewer: Sounds like you both have very…uh, balanced roles in this relationship. How do you keep the spark alive after all these centuries? Greta (rolling eyes): Spark? Oh, there’s plenty of sparks—mainly from me lighting fires under his lazy butt. I do all the hard work. I tend the garden, I ward off trolls, and what does he do? He gives rock 'n roll hand gestures to passing gnomes and pretends he’s still in his “heyday.” Jasper: That’s not true! I’m a provider. I bring home the rarest mushrooms. Just last week I found a Shroom of Ever-Lasting Farts. Very rare. A prized specimen! Greta: Oh yes, and I’ve had the distinct pleasure of experiencing those farts ever since. Thanks for that. Interviewer (laughing): So, what's the secret to surviving centuries together? Greta: You make sure he’s outside when the farts kick in. And you always keep a frying pan nearby…just in case. Jasper: And love! Lots of love! And, you know, forgiving the occasional fart…or ten. Greta: *Sigh* The things I endure for love. He’s lucky he’s cute. Barely. Interviewer: Well, it’s clear you two have something special, even if it's a bit…aromatic! Any last words for the folks at home about keeping a gnome marriage strong? Greta: Don’t. Do. It. Jasper (grinning): Oh come on, love, don’t be grumpy. I’d say, keep laughing. Whether it’s at her grumpy face or my mushroom hunting “skills,” laughter’s kept us going. Greta (softening, just a bit): Hmm. Fine. Laughter…and a frying pan. Interviewer: You heard it here first, folks—farting, frying pans, and laughter. That’s the key to a happy gnome marriage. Thanks for your time, you two! And best of luck with…well, surviving each other. Jasper: Anytime! Now, about that mushroom hunting trip I was talking about— Greta: No. Absolutely not. We’re done here.   The Backstory of Jasper and Greta: A Gnome Love (and War) Story It was the year 787, a wild time in the gnome world. Gnome festivals were all the rage, and young gnomes were hopping around from mushroom to mushroom like it was going out of style. In the middle of this chaos was Jasper, a self-proclaimed “wild stallion of the woods,” known for his legendary mushroom-foraging skills and his ability to drink an entire tankard of nectar without collapsing. On the other side of the forest? Greta. Stoic. Stubborn. Not here for anyone’s nonsense. She spent her days in peaceful solitude, tending her garden and perfecting her signature death glare that could freeze a goblin in its tracks. The last thing she wanted was some wide-eyed, happy-go-lucky fool traipsing into her life. And yet, fate—or perhaps just bad luck—had other plans. They met at the infamous Gnome Shindig, where Jasper, in a spectacular display of clumsiness, slipped off a toadstool during an attempt at a particularly daring jig. He landed face-first in Greta’s flowerbed. Covered in dirt and muttering something about “true love,” Jasper was smitten. Greta? Not so much. But as it happens with gnomes, persistence pays off. Jasper wooed her with gifts of rare mushrooms (not the fart-inducing kind, yet) and charmingly awful serenades. Greta, despite herself, began to soften—mainly out of exhaustion from his relentless attempts. And so, under the soft glow of mushroom caps and amidst the buzz of tiny fireflies, they became the oddest couple in the forest. Since then, they’ve endured centuries of gnome bliss: bickering, mushroom hunting, and enough eye rolls from Greta to power a windmill. Their love, while not the stuff of fairy tales, is real. It’s built on snark, fart jokes, and a deep, unspoken understanding that they’re stuck with each other—for better or for worse. And honestly? They wouldn’t have it any other way. Except maybe Greta. She’s still on the fence.  

by Bill Tiepelman

The Tale of Jasper, the Mushroom Meditator

Deep within the whispering woods, where the moss grew thick and the ancient trees stood as sentinels of time, there wandered a gnome known to all as Jasper, the Mushroom Meditator. His days were a gentle meander along the paths of enlightenment, through a retreat crafted by nature's own hand. Jasper's attire, a tapestry of earthy hues and vibrant patches, mirrored the woodland floor, adorned with the sacred symbols of peace and harmony. His beard, a flowing silver river, was interwoven with wildflowers and leaves, and his bare feet kissed the earth with each step, grounding him in the forest's timeless rhythm. An earring of feathers and beads dangled from his ear, a memento of the sky's boundless freedom. His eyes, closed in contemplation, saw beyond the veil of the material, into a realm of ethereal tranquility. Jasper's presence was a melody of the earth, a living embodiment of the age-old adage, "Make love, not war." Perched upon a toadstool or nestled at the base of an oak, Jasper would meditate. The creatures of the forest, from the scurrying squirrels to the wise old owls, would gather in his aura, finding comfort in his silent solace. Together, they shared the sacred silence, a communion in the cathedral of the woods. Jasper, the Mushroom Meditator, became a legend, not just of the forest, but of souls seeking peace in a world of chaos. His nature retreat was a beacon, a testament to the power of stillness, and the profound whispers of the earth that could be heard only by those who dared to listen with their hearts. As the seasons cycled from the vibrant greens of summer to the golden hues of autumn, Jasper remained an unchanging constant amidst the transformation. Children who stumbled upon his tranquil form amidst the forest leaves would pause, their innocent hearts instinctively understanding the need for quiet, the need for reflection. They left with spirits lighter, their laughter a gentle echo amongst the trees, as if the forest itself shared in their joy. Winter brought a cloak of silence to the woods, the snowflakes descending like a benediction upon Jasper's unmoving figure. The animals, now cloaked in the hues of winter's palette, continued their silent vigil, the harmony of their presence an orchestra without sound, a dance of life in stillness. With the arrival of spring, the forest awoke once more, and Jasper's open eyes reflected the rebirth around him. Life, he knew, was a cycle of change and constancy, a tapestry woven with threads of the mundane and the magical. And in his heart, he carried the message of the whispering woods - that peace is not merely a quest, it is a journey without end, a path forever winding, forever inviting one to walk in meditative solitude. To all who sought his wisdom, Jasper offered the simplest of truths: that to hear the whispers of the earth, one must first learn the art of silence, of being at one with the world, a harmony that resonates within the soul. As the legend of Jasper, the Mushroom Meditator, enriches the tapestry of our lives, let his spirit of tranquility grace your space. Carry a piece of the whispering woods with you with our exclusive Mushroom Meditator Poster, a vibrant reminder to live harmoniously with the world. Or, let the playful charm of Jasper accompany you on your journeys with our durable Mushroom Meditator Vinyl Stickers. Embrace the ethos of Jasper and let the silent music of nature inspire your every day.

by Bill Tiepelman

A Gnome's Highway to Adventure

The Odyssey of Thornbeard In the hush that falls over the desert as day melds into night, Thornbeard rides, his journey weaving through the tapestry of time like a thread gilded by twilight. This path, less a line than a loop, spirals in on itself, bringing him ever closer to the ancient cactus bloom. His legend, already vast among the roadhouse realms, grows with each mile; a story in which the very fabric of the myth is his to weave. Thornbeard, born of the desert's magic at a time when the stars danced new patterns in the heavens, was not always the solitary rider. Once, he belonged to a clandestine brotherhood of gnomes, each a guardian of nature's most sacred secrets. But his heart, wilder than his brethren, yearned for the open sands, for the freedom that only the desert could offer. And so, he left, seeking the whispers of the wind, the tales told by the tumbling tumbleweeds, the dreams dreamt in the heat mirages that rose from the searing ground. His search for the ancient cactus bloom is not only for the heart of the desert spirit but for a connection to the legacy he left behind. Legends hold that the bloom’s nectar can grant a single sip of pure, unbridled essence, a chance for Thornbeard to commune with the earth, to understand its deepest longings and its oldest memories. Tonight, the desert tests him. The guardians of lore, each a sentinel of the old ways, challenge him with riddles spun from the very dust of the desert floor. These riddles are echoes of the questions that Thornbeard has asked himself throughout his many rides under the sun and stars. To answer them, he must delve into the annals of his memory, confront the solitude of his choice to ride alone, and reconcile the wildness of his spirit with the wisdom he's gained from the land. And as the stars crown the night sky, he stands at the threshold of the secret garden, the cactus bloom radiant within, a beacon calling to the very core of his being. The desert, now a sentient force before him, poses its demand: the price of the bloom's essence is the tale of his heart. To drink of the bloom, Thornbeard must relinquish his story, for stories are the currency of the mythic world. In doing so, he would become a part of the desert’s own story, his individual saga absorbed into the grand narrative of the sands, forever to be retold in whispers by the creatures that scuttle beneath the moon. The dilemma tears at Thornbeard. Is the communion with the earth worth the loss of his personal odyssey, the adventures he's undertaken, the name he's carved into the annals of the mythic desert? What worth is the essence of the desert if it means the end of Thornbeard the legend, even if it signals the birth of Thornbeard the eternal? The desert waits, patient and endless, as Thornbeard, with Jup-Jup by his side, makes his choice. A choice that will resonate through the dunes and canyons, a choice that will define the legacy of Thornbeard, the gnome whose heart beat in tune with the desert's own rhythm. For those enthralled by Thornbeard's epic desert adventure, the spirit of gnome wanderlust beckons. Embark on your own fantasy quest with items like the Gnome's Highway Gaming Mouse Pad, perfect for navigating through gaming landscapes. Assemble the legend piece by piece with the intricately designed Gnome's Highway Jigsaw Puzzle, or bring a touch of mythical decor to your space with the stunning Gnome's Highway Poster. And for those long motorcycle rides beneath the sun or stars, keep the essence of the journey close with the durable Gnome's Highway Tumbler. Each product carries a fragment of the wild spirit that drives Thornbeard through the heart of the desert.