by Bill Tiepelman
Happily Ever After... Mostly
Happily Ever After... Mostly Interviewer: Good afternoon, folks! Thanks for agreeing to sit down with us. You two lookโฆwell, quite the pair! How long have you been together? Jasper the Gnome (rocking the striped hat): Oh, itโs been what? 237 years, love? Greta the Gnome (arms crossed, not having it): Feels like 500. Jasper: Sheโs kidding! We met at the Gnome Shindig of โ787. She couldnโt resist my moves. Greta (deadpan): Yes, he was dancing on a toadstool and fell right off. I thought he was dead. Shouldโve left him there. Interviewer: Wow, sounds like love at firstโฆfall? Greta: More like an unfortunate accident that became a life sentence. You try saying no when a gnome proposes in front of the entire mushroom village. Youโre stuck. Jasper (laughing): And what a beautiful life sentence itโs been! Donโt let her fool youโsheโs my flower in the garden, my sun in the forest, myโ Greta (interrupting): Ugh. Please, you romantic fool, the mushrooms are blushing. Letโs not pretend you donโt spend most of your days โforagingโ for fungi with the lads. I havenโt seen you sober since last Midsummer's Eve. Interviewer: Sounds like you both have veryโฆuh, balanced roles in this relationship. How do you keep the spark alive after all these centuries? Greta (rolling eyes): Spark? Oh, thereโs plenty of sparksโmainly from me lighting fires under his lazy butt. I do all the hard work. I tend the garden, I ward off trolls, and what does he do? He gives rock 'n roll hand gestures to passing gnomes and pretends heโs still in his โheyday.โ Jasper: Thatโs not true! Iโm a provider. I bring home the rarest mushrooms. Just last week I found a Shroom of Ever-Lasting Farts. Very rare. A prized specimen! Greta: Oh yes, and Iโve had the distinct pleasure of experiencing those farts ever since. Thanks for that. Interviewer (laughing): So, what's the secret to surviving centuries together? Greta: You make sure heโs outside when the farts kick in. And you always keep a frying pan nearbyโฆjust in case. Jasper: And love! Lots of love! And, you know, forgiving the occasional fartโฆor ten. Greta: *Sigh* The things I endure for love. Heโs lucky heโs cute. Barely. Interviewer: Well, itโs clear you two have something special, even if it's a bitโฆaromatic! Any last words for the folks at home about keeping a gnome marriage strong? Greta: Donโt. Do. It. Jasper (grinning): Oh come on, love, donโt be grumpy. Iโd say, keep laughing. Whether itโs at her grumpy face or my mushroom hunting โskills,โ laughterโs kept us going. Greta (softening, just a bit): Hmm. Fine. Laughterโฆand a frying pan. Interviewer: You heard it here first, folksโfarting, frying pans, and laughter. Thatโs the key to a happy gnome marriage. Thanks for your time, you two! And best of luck withโฆwell, surviving each other. Jasper: Anytime! Now, about that mushroom hunting trip I was talking aboutโ Greta: No. Absolutely not. Weโre done here. ย The Backstory of Jasper and Greta: A Gnome Love (and War) Story It was the year 787, a wild time in the gnome world. Gnome festivals were all the rage, and young gnomes were hopping around from mushroom to mushroom like it was going out of style. In the middle of this chaos was Jasper, a self-proclaimed โwild stallion of the woods,โ known for his legendary mushroom-foraging skills and his ability to drink an entire tankard of nectar without collapsing. On the other side of the forest? Greta. Stoic. Stubborn. Not here for anyoneโs nonsense. She spent her days in peaceful solitude, tending her garden and perfecting her signature death glare that could freeze a goblin in its tracks. The last thing she wanted was some wide-eyed, happy-go-lucky fool traipsing into her life. And yet, fateโor perhaps just bad luckโhad other plans. They met at the infamous Gnome Shindig, where Jasper, in a spectacular display of clumsiness, slipped off a toadstool during an attempt at a particularly daring jig. He landed face-first in Gretaโs flowerbed. Covered in dirt and muttering something about โtrue love,โ Jasper was smitten. Greta? Not so much. But as it happens with gnomes, persistence pays off. Jasper wooed her with gifts of rare mushrooms (not the fart-inducing kind, yet) and charmingly awful serenades. Greta, despite herself, began to softenโmainly out of exhaustion from his relentless attempts. And so, under the soft glow of mushroom caps and amidst the buzz of tiny fireflies, they became the oddest couple in the forest. Since then, theyโve endured centuries of gnome bliss: bickering, mushroom hunting, and enough eye rolls from Greta to power a windmill. Their love, while not the stuff of fairy tales, is real. Itโs built on snark, fart jokes, and a deep, unspoken understanding that theyโre stuck with each otherโfor better or for worse. And honestly? They wouldnโt have it any other way. Except maybe Greta. Sheโs still on the fence. ย
