by Bill Tiepelman
Pounce of the Poison Cap
The Shroom with a View It began, as most ridiculous tales do, with a purring lie and a daring squat atop a toadstool the size of a barstool. Tabitha Nine-Lives — part cat, part woman, all sass — perched smugly on her favorite fly agaric like it was her royal throne. Her striped fur shimmered in the damp light of dusk, tail flicking with feline superiority as if to say: Yes, I am absurdly gorgeous and possibly lethal. Deal with it. The forest around her dripped with secrets. Literal ones — some of the trees had mouths. But that was beside the point. The real danger was far less botanical and far more... bipedal. A new player had entered the woods. A human. A tall, confused, annoyingly handsome one who smelled like confidence issues and overpriced cologne. Tabitha had been watching him for three days. From the tops of trees, under ferns, through illusionary puddles — the usual. He didn’t know it yet, but he was already doomed. Not because the forest would eat him (though, to be fair, parts of it did bite), but because she had decided he was her next puzzle. “You're not ready for me,” she murmured with a purr, curling her claws around the cap of the mushroom as if it were a drumroll. “But then again, who is?” She crouched lower, eyes glowing in the dimness like twin moons on the prowl. Her ears twitched. He was close now. Crunching through leaves with all the subtlety of a toddler in tap shoes. Humans were such gloriously un-stealthy creatures. Like if a ham sandwich tried to join a ninja cult. Still, this one was curious. He’d asked the trees questions. He’d tried to pet a thorn bush (that had gone badly). And last night, he’d looked directly at a wispsnake and said, “Hey, do you talk?” Oh, honey. Tabitha hadn’t laughed that hard since the Dryad Queen tried to flirt with a scarecrow. She’d nearly fallen out of a pine tree. Which, for a cat-woman, was deeply embarrassing. But also worth it. Now it was time to escalate things. She licked the back of her paw (mostly for effect), adjusted her assets, and whispered a spell that smelled faintly of cinnamon and regret. A swirl of gold shimmered around her claws. The bait was set. Because tonight, she wasn’t just watching. She was going to make contact. Or more accurately, she was going to toy with her prey like a laser pointer on meth. And if the poor boy survived it? Maybe, just maybe, he’d earn the right to learn her real name. But probably not. She pounced off the mushroom, landing with a sound no louder than a smirk. Her silhouette vanished into the shadowed brambles, tail curling like a question mark behind her. The hunt had officially begun. Breadcrumbs, Bait, and the Boy Who Should Have Turned Back Wesley Crane was not having a good week. First, he got dumped by text (an emoji was involved — a cactus, oddly enough), then his GPS led him to a campsite that didn’t exist, and now he was hopelessly lost in a forest that definitely shouldn’t exist. Not like this. The trees were far too tall. The fog was far too warm. And he could’ve sworn the moss had a pulse. “This is fine,” he muttered, stepping over a suspiciously glowing mushroom and attempting to sound confident, which made him sound even more like a corporate intern pretending to know how to use Excel. “Totally fine. Just a highly immersive hiking trail. No biggie. That squirrel probably wasn’t carrying a dagger.” Meanwhile, Tabitha watched from the high boughs of a bent yew tree, stretched languidly like a striped shadow of judgment. She had toyed with the idea of letting the forest swallow him — as it had so many disappointing poets and flat-earthers — but there was something about this particular man-child that amused her. The way he flinched at leaves. The way he cursed under his breath like someone who thought swear words should be rationed. The way he kept muttering apologies to trees as if they were emotionally sensitive. He was, in a word, delicious. “Let’s see how you do with breadcrumbs,” she whispered, and flicked her fingers toward the trail ahead. Instantly, a path of mushrooms bloomed in a perfect spiral, glowing faintly and releasing just enough hallucinogenic spore to make his vision shimmer. He paused, blinked twice, and then laughed. “Cool. Bioluminescent funghi. Totally not ominous.” He stepped onto the path. Tabitha grinned. “Atta boy.” Deeper and deeper he went, winding through the illusion-rich woods. The air got thicker, dreamier. He passed a stone fountain that sang Broadway show tunes. A floating teacup offered him honey. A large snail wearing a monocle hissed, “Don’t trust the ferns.” Wesley, poor soul, thanked it earnestly and saluted. By the time he reached the clearing, he was half-hallucinating and entirely enchanted. Before him stood a glade of red-capped mushrooms, all silent, all watching. And in the center? The biggest, boldest toadstool of them all. Vacant. Like a throne missing its queen. “I feel like I’m being lured,” he said aloud. “Oh, you are,” came the voice. Smooth as cream, sharp as claws. Wesley spun around — and there she was. Tabitha emerged from the trees with the casual grace of someone who had definitely been stalking you and was 100% proud of it. Her fur shimmered with gold-tipped twilight, her ears twitching with smug superiority. And those eyes… twin portals of cosmic mischief. She stopped just close enough to be unsettling, one clawed finger tapping her thigh with theatrical flair. “So,” she purred, “do you always follow glowing fungus into mysterious glades, or is today special?” “Um,” said Wesley, whose brain had just face-planted into a puddle of hormones and terror. “I… well… the mushrooms—” “—You obeyed a fungal breadcrumb trail like a Disney side character.” She circled him now, slow and measured. “Bold. Stupid. Probably repressed. But bold.” Wesley tried not to turn his head as she passed behind him, tail curling toward his shoulder. “What are you?” he managed. She paused. “Oh, honey. If I had a mushroom for every man who’s asked me that...” She flicked a single claw and a small spore cloud poofed into the air. “But let’s pretend you’re new and unspoiled. Let’s start with names. You can call me Tabitha.” “Is that your real name?” She squinted. “Did you just ask a shapeshifting forest predator for her government name?” Wesley immediately regretted his life choices. “Look,” he said, holding up his hands, “I think I took a wrong turn. I’m not… I mean, I don’t want any trouble. I just want to get out of here and maybe call an Uber?” “Darling,” Tabitha said, stepping closer, “you walked into an enchanted forest with GPS, AirPods, and anxiety. You didn’t take a wrong turn. You got chosen.” “Chosen for what?” She leaned in, her nose almost brushing his. Her voice dropped to a whisper: “That’s the mystery.” And then she was gone. Vanished. Not vanished like "ran into the woods" — vanished like poof, snap, smoke-ringed drama. Only a faint pawprint of golden dust remained where she had stood. Wesley stood in the clearing, alone, heartbeat in his ears, wondering if he’d imagined it all. Behind him, the toadstools giggled softly. Not with mouths — that would be ridiculous — but with spores. Invisible, snickering spores. He sat down on the edge of the mushroom throne and sighed. Somewhere, an owl hooted the opening chords to "Careless Whisper." This night was getting weird. And it was far from over. The Claw and the Contract Wesley didn’t sleep that night. Not because of fear — though the tree that kept softly whispering “snacc” in his direction wasn’t helping — but because he couldn’t shake her. The feline silhouette. The velvet sarcasm. The way she had looked at him like a bored librarian eyeing a misfiled romance novel. It wasn’t love. Hell, it wasn’t even lust. It was worse. It was curiosity. He had the distinct sense that he had been catalogued. Weighed. Possibly licked. And that the forest was just waiting to see what he'd do next. Spores floated like lazy fireflies. Somewhere nearby, a pair of mushrooms slow-danced to swing jazz. He had tried walking in a straight line for an hour. The result? He ended up exactly where he started — at the toadstool throne. And it was warm. That was the worst part. It remembered her. “Alright,” he muttered at the moss. “I give up. Forest 1, Wesley 0.” “Technically, I’m the forest’s MVP,” purred a familiar voice, “but I’ll accept the compliment.” She was lounging on a low branch now, upside-down, tail swaying lazily, cleavage unapologetic. The picture of chaos in repose. He didn’t scream. He had passed the scream phase hours ago and was now deep into deadpan resignation. “You’re messing with me,” he said. “Of course,” she said brightly, flipping down and landing on all fours like a sin in motion. “But I mess with everyone. The trick is knowing why.” He frowned. “You said I was chosen.” “I did. And you are. Chosen to make a choice.” She circled him again, but slower now. Less predatory, more... performative. “You’re not the first to stumble in here. Most don’t make it past the mushrooms. You did. That says something.” “That I’m gullible?” “That you’re curious. Curious people are dangerous. They either burn down systems or die spectacularly trying.” “And what if I just want to go home?” She stopped. Tilted her head. “Then I’ll walk you to the edge of the woods myself.” “Really?” “No,” she said flatly. “This forest eats GPS signals and barfs up metaphors. You’re not leaving until you hear the offer.” “The what now?” She clapped her clawed hands. Sparks flew. A scroll of bark and golden moss appeared in mid-air and rolled open with an audible pop. The ink glowed. “One wish,” she said. “Forest rules. You made it to the throne. You met the guardian. That’s me, by the way, in case you’re still catching up. So you get a wish.” Wesley looked at the scroll. “There’s fine print.” “Of course there’s fine print. What do you think this is, Disneyland?” “What’s the catch?” “Well, you could wish for money. But the forest doesn’t understand taxes. You could wish for love, but it’ll probably come in the form of a dangerously codependent kelpie. Or,” she said, stretching lazily, “you could wish for what you really want.” “And what’s that?” She was behind him now, chin on his shoulder. “Adventure. Mystery. Something real in a world where everything feels like it’s been run through a content filter and sold back to you in an ad.” He turned. Met her gaze. “Is that what this is to you? A job?” She blinked. For the first time, her mask cracked, just a little. “It’s what I was made for.” “That sounds lonely.” She growled low in her throat. “Don’t human me, Wes. I’ll vomit on your shoes.” “I’m just saying... maybe you don’t have to be alone in this forest. Maybe you want someone to choose you for once.” Silence. Then: “Say that again and I’ll make you mate with a talking fox for eternity.” “You didn’t say no.” She stared at him. Eyes narrowed. “Make your wish.” He reached out and touched the scroll. His voice steady. “I wish to know the truth about this forest — and about you.” The scroll burst into flame. The trees leaned in. The wind held its breath. Tabitha didn’t move. Her pupils shrank to slits. “You... idiot. You could’ve had gold. Immortality. Threesomes with dryads. And you picked me?” He shrugged. “You’re more interesting.” She pounced. Not like before. This wasn’t a predator striking — it was something more like gravity. She landed on him, claws out but careful, breath hot against his cheek. “You don’t know what you’ve done,” she whispered. “You’ve bound yourself to the woods. To me.” “I’ll take my chances.” “You’re mine now, Wes.” “I figured.” And as the forest exploded into golden light and laughter, the trees dancing, the mushrooms whistling, and the path finally revealing itself — Tabitha kissed him with a purr and a growl. The woods had chosen him back. If you're now emotionally bonded to Tabitha and itching to take a piece of her world home, you're in luck. "Pounce of the Poison Cap" is available as a gallery-quality canvas print or a framed wall piece to bring that woodland sass into your lair. Want to cozy up with a purring mystery? There's a super soft fleece blanket that'll make you feel wrapped in forest magic. Prefer something interactive? Try the jigsaw puzzle version—because nothing says “chaotic bonding ritual” like 500 tiny pieces of cat and fungus. Or, jot down your own mischievous adventures in the spiral notebook edition, perfect for spells, secrets, or surprisingly deep thoughts about talking snails.
