woodland fantasy

by Bill Tiepelman

Tranquil Toadstool Tavern

Deep in the heart of the Old Widdershins Woods, where the cell service was nonexistent, and the mushrooms grew big enough to warrant their own zip code, there was a spot few humans had ever laid eyes on. It was neither a pub nor a picnic area but something far more mysterious and slightly questionable: the Tranquil Toadstool Tavern. Its bartender? A gnome named Garvin, though his friends called him "Garvin the Gnarly" due to his propensity for dispensing unsolicited advice with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Garvin didn’t much care for adventurers, and he really didn’t care for tourists who stumbled into the forest in search of “authentic gnome experiences.” He’d seen enough neon-t-shirted hikers poking at moss with selfie sticks to develop a permanent eye twitch. So, on the rare day a human stumbled upon his spot, Garvin usually hid in the bushes. But today, he was exhausted. A Sip of Solitude Wearing his favorite moss-lined hat (which doubled as camouflage for napping), Garvin settled onto his favorite mushroom stool, grabbed his Corona Extra, and sighed. Finally, he was alone. No bothersome trolls hawking “enchanted rock carvings.” No elves with their lute-playing and glitter-shedding. Just him, his beer, and the comforting smell of damp forest floor. “Here’s to peace and quiet,” he muttered, tipping his Corona in a toast to absolutely no one. The bottle was almost as tall as his torso, and it took both hands to keep it steady. But he didn’t mind—it was a small price to pay for tranquility. Enter the Unwanted Company Just as he took his first, refreshing swig, a loud rustling erupted from the undergrowth. He spat out a mouthful of beer. “Oh, for the love of fungus. Can’t a gnome get a moment to himself?” A squirrel the size of a large house cat—furry, overfed, and glaring—sauntered over, sniffing the air. It was Poppy, the unofficial tavern pest and a bit of a freeloader. She always knew when Garvin cracked open a beer, and she had the audacity to judge him for it. “Isn’t it a little early for that?” she chittered, nose twitching with disapproval. “It’s five o’clock somewhere,” Garvin shot back, rolling his eyes. “Besides, aren’t you supposed to be hoarding acorns or whatever it is you oversized rodents do?” “First of all, I’m a squirrel, not a rodent,” Poppy said, standing on her hind legs, looking indignant. “Second, I have a reputation to uphold. Can’t have the local humans thinking all forest creatures are lazy drunkards.” “You’re lecturing me on reputations?” Garvin scoffed, gesturing to Poppy’s expanding waistline. “Anyway, this is my break. Just me, my beer, and absolutely no small talk.” “You’re doing an excellent job at it,” she retorted, before scurrying off in a huff. The Arrival of the Toadstool Regulars As Garvin raised his bottle again, the usual cast of woodland misfits ambled into view. First, there was Cedric, the fox who considered himself a sommelier, though his idea of “fine wine” was any liquid that didn’t outright poison him. Then came Elowen, the owl who had convinced herself she was a poet despite her only two topics of expertise being night and rodents. “What’s that, Garv? Corona again?” Cedric asked with a smirk, sniffing the air. “I’d have thought a worldly gnome like you would go for something more refined.” “It’s a classic!” Garvin grumbled. “Not all of us are born with taste buds that can detect notes of oak and pretentiousness.” “You could at least squeeze a lime in it, dear,” Elowen cooed, perched on a low branch, feathers rustling with amusement. “A little citrus, a little panache, you know?” “Lime? This is beer, not some alchemist’s elixir!” Garvin grunted, taking another sip. “Besides, I don’t see either of you bringing anything to share.” They both looked at each other, slightly embarrassed. Cedric muttered something about a “wine shortage” while Elowen claimed she was “saving her inspiration” for a reading that night. The Buzzkill Bunny Just as Garvin thought his suffering was complete, yet another figure appeared: Bernie the Rabbit. A self-appointed health coach, Bernie’s entire personality could be summed up in two words: unsolicited advice. “Garvin!” Bernie hopped over, looking mortified at the beer. “You know alcohol isn’t good for you, right? It dehydrates and ages you.” Garvin stared at the bottle, then looked at Bernie, raising an eyebrow. “Bernie, I’m a hundred and fifty-seven years old and have been drinking since before you were a dust bunny. I think I’ll be fine.” Bernie frowned, twitching his nose with exaggerated concern. “Maybe switch to kombucha? I hear it’s all the rage with forest influencers.” Garvin gave him a withering look. “Let me make this clear, carrot-muncher: I’m not switching to kombucha. If I wanted to drink fermented swamp water, I’d visit the bog witch.” “Suit yourself,” Bernie shrugged, hopping away with an air of judgment so thick you could cut it with a butter knife. A Moment of (Finally) Peace At last, the critters dispersed, leaving Garvin alone once more. He took a final, savoring sip, enjoying the earthy quiet that enveloped him. The soft glow of the sun filtered through the leaves, casting an almost magical light over the forest floor. “Ahhh,” he sighed, content. “There’s nothing quite like a cold one and some quiet.” Then, from somewhere in the forest, he heard an unmistakable rustle, followed by a voice shouting, “Hey! I think I see a gnome! Quick, get the camera!” Garvin’s eyes widened as he pulled his hat low over his face, muttering, “Nope. I’m done. Forest’s closed. Everyone go home.” And with one swift motion, he slipped behind the largest toadstool, blending seamlessly into the mossy undergrowth, determined to preserve his peace—even if it meant playing hide-and-seek with every selfie-stick wielding intruder until winter. Some days, being a gnome wasn’t easy. But Garvin wouldn’t trade his little corner of the woods for all the kombucha in the kingdom.    Bring a Bit of Gnome Magic Home If Garvin's woodland sanctuary speaks to your heart, why not bring a little "Tranquil Toadstool Tavern" magic into your own space? We’ve got a cozy collection of products featuring this whimsical scene, perfect for gnome lovers and forest dreamers alike: Tranquil Toadstool Tavern Tapestry - Transform any wall into a gnome’s retreat with this vibrant tapestry that brings the forest right to your home. Tranquil Toadstool Tavern Puzzle - Piece together this cozy scene, one mushroom and mossy detail at a time. Tranquil Toadstool Tavern Wood Print - Add a rustic touch to your decor with this print on wood, perfect for any nature-inspired space. Tranquil Toadstool Tavern Beach Towel - Bring a bit of the forest with you to the beach or poolside! And for true gnome aficionados, don’t miss our brand new 2025 "My Gnomies" Calendar. It's packed with charming gnome scenes to keep you company all year long. After all, Garvin may need his peace and quiet, but your walls could use a bit of that gnome magic!

by Bill Tiepelman

Moonshroom Mischief: A Gnome’s Night Out

There are few things in life Clyde the Gnome loved more than a bottle of Shroomy Moonshine. Tonight, he had several. The potent brew, made from God-knows-what fungi and who-knows-where ingredients, was a staple in Clyde's life, especially during these lonely, booze-fueled treks into the woods. The night was cool, the moon hung low, and Clyde was ready for trouble. His vision was already swimming, but it didn't stop him from popping open another bottle with a loud crack, spilling a bit of the liquid gold onto his dirt-covered boots. "Ah, who needs fancy boots anyway," Clyde muttered, waving his bottle dismissively at his own feet as he tilted his head back and took a long gulp. The stars above spun lazily, almost as if they were having a private joke at his expense. "To the Woods, Let’s Go Ride!" "To the woods!" he slurred triumphantly, raising his bottle in the air like some deranged conqueror. "Let’s go ride!" Ride what? He had no idea. But it didn’t matter. His alcohol-soaked brain was convinced that something, anything, was waiting out there for him to tame. Maybe a squirrel, maybe a badger. Maybe even a tree stump if it came down to it. Tonight, he was on a mission. He stumbled forward, swaying between trees, his oversized red hat flopping around like a flag in the wind. The forest floor was a mix of fallen leaves, mushrooms, and roots waiting to trip him up. Clyde had no concern for any of that though. No, he was lost in a world of his own—where everything was a little too bright, a little too blurry, and everything definitely felt funnier than it actually was. His boots thudded against the forest floor, scuffed and worn from countless nights of gnome-sized debauchery. The soles were so thin that each step felt like a direct conversation with the earth. "Damn dirt," he growled, shaking his foot out as if that would get rid of the clumps of mud building up around his toes. His foot caught on a large mushroom, sending him sprawling face-first into the dirt. The Fall For a moment, all was quiet. Clyde’s face was planted firmly in the ground, his bottle rolled off to the side, now just a sad casualty of his inebriation. And then—laughter. Deep, booming, gnomish laughter echoed through the trees. Clyde rolled over, wiping the dirt from his bushy white beard, his eyes wide and glistening with mischief. "Ha! Tripped on a shroom! Ain’t that poetic!" he bellowed into the night. The forest remained silent, indifferent to his mirth. But Clyde didn’t need anyone to appreciate his joke. He laughed harder, clutching his sides as he lay flat on his back, staring up at the moon. His hat had fallen off somewhere in his tumble, but he wasn’t in the mood to look for it. Hats were overrated anyway. "Nature’s my friend...and dessert!" he giggled to himself, reaching out and grabbing a handful of nearby mushrooms. He sniffed one suspiciously, squinting at it under the dim light. Then, with a shrug, he popped it into his mouth. "Tastes like dirt. But dirt’s good! Good for the soul, right?" he mumbled between mouthfuls. A Gnome’s Late-Night Philosophy Eventually, Clyde picked himself up and continued his aimless journey through the woods. His bottle of Shroomy was half-empty now, but the night was young, and he still had plenty of stumbling left to do. His steps were more staggered than before, though, as if the forest floor had suddenly turned into a trampoline designed to make fools out of the drunken and clumsy. At some point—maybe minutes later, maybe hours—Clyde plopped himself down on a fallen log. His tiny gnome legs dangled off the edge, boots caked in mud, his pants torn at the knees from yet another fall he didn’t remember. But Clyde didn’t care. He sat there, swinging his legs like a child, staring into the gloom of the woods, where the trees loomed like giant shadows. He took another swig of his Shroomy Moonshine, the liquid burning its way down his throat, and sighed deeply. "Y’know…," he started, talking to no one in particular, "life ain’t so bad when ya got a bottle of this stuff, some good ol' mushrooms underfoot, and the whole forest to yourself." He paused, burping loudly. "Except for the damn squirrels. They’re little shits." As the night wore on, Clyde’s drunken musings grew more philosophical—or at least, what he thought was philosophical. "Maybe the trees are alive," he whispered conspiratorially, eyes darting to the nearest oak. "Maybe they’re listening. Maybe they’re just waiting to get revenge on us gnomes for all the times we’ve pissed on 'em." He blinked slowly, swaying in his seat. "But...eh. Who cares? A tree can’t hold a grudge... right?" The Final Stumble After another hour—or was it two?—Clyde had enough. He stood up shakily, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. His bottle was empty, his body aching from all the falls he could vaguely recall. The forest, once his playground, now seemed like a giant, looming creature ready to swallow him whole. But Clyde was undeterred. With one last, triumphant yell, he declared, "The woods may have won this round, but I’ll be back! You can’t keep a gnome down!" Then, without much ceremony, he promptly tripped over another mushroom and collapsed into a heap. And there he stayed, fast asleep, snoring loudly, a content smile on his dirt-smeared face. The bottle of Shroomy Moonshine lay beside him, and the forest, indifferent as always, carried on around him.     There once was a gnome named Clyde, Who drank ‘til his eyes opened wide. With Shroomy in hand, He could barely stand, But yelled, "To the woods! Let’s go ride!"   His boots were all scuffed from the dirt, And his brain was too fogged to assert. He tripped on a shroom, Then laughed in the gloom, Saying, “Nature’s my friend… and dessert!”         If you're interested in prints, art downloads, or licensing options for this image, you can find more details at archive.unfocussed.com.