Captured Tales

by Bill Tiepelman

Tiny Roars & Rising Embers

Of Smoke Rings and Sass-Fueled Friendships Once upon a high-ass noon in the middle of a nowhere-meadow that smelled suspiciously of toasted daisies and regret, a baby phoenix crash-landed face-first into a clump of thistle. She sizzled like a marshmallow on the Fourth of July and let out a squeal that could de-feather a vulture. "Bloody ash biscuits!" she screeched, flapping her half-baked wings and shaking off what looked like scorched pollen. She was not having a glamorous rebirth moment. She was having a full-on existential molt in public. From behind a bush that had clearly seen better landscaping choices, came a snorting giggle. A baby dragon—stubby, soot-covered, and already reeking of questionable decision-making—rolled out, clutching his scaly belly. "Did the fire goddess forget the landing instructions again, Hot Stuff?" he burped, releasing a small puff of smoke in the shape of a middle finger. His name was Gorp. Short for Gorpelthrax the Devourer, which was hilarious considering he had the intimidation level of a fart in church. "Oh, good. A heckle-lizard with acne and no wings. Tell me, Gorp, do all the dragonettes in your nest smell like burnt meat and shame?" snapped the phoenix, whose name, for reasons she refused to explain, was Charlene. Just Charlene. She claimed it was exotic. Like citrus. Or cologne sold in gas stations. Charlene stood up, did a dramatic shake that flung embers everywhere (and mildly threatened a butterfly), and strutted over with the wobbly arrogance of a half-baked diva. "If I wanted unsolicited roasting, I’d visit my Aunt Salmora. She's a salamander with two exes and a grudge." Gorp grinned. "You’re feisty. I like that in a flammable friend." The two stared at each other with mutual disgust and budding affection—the kind of confused, 'I’m not sure if I want to fight you or braid your hair' energy that only magical misfits can muster. And as the warm summer breeze blew across the meadow, carrying the scent of charred grass and destiny, the first cracks of a weird, wild friendship began to take hold. “So,” Charlene said, fluffing her tail feathers, “you just hang around in flower fields puffing smoke rings and judging firebirds?” “Nah,” Gorp replied, picking a ladybug off his tongue. “Usually I hunt squirrels and emotionally damage frogs. This is just my brunch spot.” Charlene smirked. “Fabulous. Let’s make it our war room.” And with that, the phoenix and the dragon plopped down among the blooms, already planning whatever nonsense would come next—completely unaware they’d just signed up for a week of stolen cheese, pant-stealing raccoons, and that one centaur orgy they’d rather not talk about. Yet. The Cheese Heist, The Centaur Cult, and the Pants That Weren’t The following morning arrived with all the grace of a hungover satyr trying to do yoga. The sun bled into the sky like overripe marmalade, and Charlene’s feathers were extra frizzy—possibly from the dew, but more likely from dreams involving a singing cauldron and a flirtatious gnome with a beard that wouldn't quit. “We need a quest,” she declared, stretching her wings and accidentally setting a passing grasshopper on fire. Gorp, chewing on a half-melted pinecone, squinted up from his supine position in a patch of mint. “What we need is brunch. Preferably with cheese. Maybe pants.” Charlene blinked. “What in the name of Merlin’s flaming foot fungus does cheese have to do with pants?” “Everything,” Gorp said, entirely too seriously. “Everything.” And that’s how it began: a mission forged in nonsense, fueled by lactose-based cravings and a mutual inability to say no to chaos. According to the local buzzard—Steve, who freelanced as a gossip columnist—they’d find the best cheese stash this side of the fire mountains in the abandoned cellars of a former centaur monastery turned nudist spa retreat. Obviously. “It’s called Saddlehorn,” Steve had hissed, eyes gleaming. “But don’t ask questions. Just bring me a wheel of the triple-aged smoulder-gouda and we’ll call it even.” “You want us to rob a cult of centaur cheese monks?” Charlene asked, mildly offended that she hadn’t thought of it first. “They’re not monks anymore,” Steve clarified. “Now they just chant affirmations and oil each other’s thighs. It’s evolved.” Their journey to Saddlehorn took approximately four fart breaks, two detours caused by Charlene’s crippling fear of hedgehogs (“They’re just pinecones with eyes, Gorp!”), and one awkward moment involving a cursed toadstool that whispered tax advice. By the time they reached the spa, the meadow behind them looked like it had been trampled by a caffeine-fueled behemoth with commitment issues. Charlene was ready for blood. Gorp was ready for cheese. Neither was ready for what awaited beyond the hedgerow. Saddlehorn was...not what they expected. Picture a sprawling estate made of polished wood, gentle waterfalls, and lavender-scented steam. Picture also: thirty-seven shirtless centaurs doing synchronized yoga while whispering “I am enough” in haunting unison. Gorp immediately tried to inhale his own head in embarrassment. “Oh gods, they’re hot,” he whispered, voice cracking like a bad omelet. Charlene, on the other hand, had never been hornier—or more confused. “Focus,” she hissed. “We’re here for the gouda, not the glutes.” They snuck in through a laundry basket of loincloths—Charlene lighting one accidentally on fire and blaming “ambient heat energy”—and slithered (well, waddled) down to the cellar. The smell hit them first: pungent, aged, slightly sexy. Rows upon rows of enchanted cheese wheels glowed softly in the dim light, radiating buttery power. “Sweet mother of melty miracles,” Gorp breathed. “We could build a life here.” But fate, as always, is a smirking bastard. Just as Charlene jammed a gouda wheel into her tailfeathers, a loud neigh erupted behind them. There stood Brother Chadwick of the Inner Thigh Circle—head oilist, chief cheese guardian, and possibly a Sagittarius. “Who dares desecrate the holy dairy sanctum?” he thundered, flexing in slow motion for dramatic effect. “Hi, yes, hello,” Charlene said, smiling with the confidence of someone who’d set fire to every escape route already. “I’m Brenda and this is my emotional support lizard. We’re on a cheese pilgrimage.” Brother Chadwick blinked. “Brenda?” “Yes. Brenda the Eternal. Holder of the Feta Flame.” There was a tense silence. Then—bless the idiot universe—Gorp burped smoke in the shape of a cheese wedge. That was enough. “They are the Chosen!” someone yelled. In the next 48 minutes, Charlene and Gorp were crowned honorary lactose priests, treated to an awkward massage ceremony, and allowed to leave with a ceremonial cheese wheel of destiny (triple-aged, smoked with elderberry ash, and cursed to scream the word “BUTTERFACE” once a week). As they waddled back to their meadow—Charlene with a tail full of smuggled curd, Gorp licking what may or may not have been goat sweat from his claws—they agreed it had been their best brunch yet. “We make a damn good team,” Charlene murmured. “Yeah,” Gorp said, snuggling the cheese. “You’re the best fire hazard I’ve ever met.” And somewhere in the distance, Steve the buzzard wept tears of joy... and cholesterol. Of Raccoon Politics, Firestorms, and the Feral Thing Called Friendship Back in the meadow, things had gotten... complicated. Charlene and Gorp’s return from their cheesy spiritual journey had not gone unnoticed. Word had spread, as it tends to in magical circles, and within days their meadow had turned into a pilgrimage site for every half-baked forest nutjob with a bone to bless or a toe fungus to cure. There were druids meditating in Gorp’s favorite fart puddle. Fauns composing lute ballads about “The Gouda and the Glory.” At least one unicorn attempted to huff Charlene’s tail for “sacred combustion vibes.” “We need to leave,” Charlene said, eye twitching, as she kicked a bard out of her nest for the third time that morning. “We need to RULE,” Gorp replied, now fully reclined in a hammock made from elf-hair and dreams, wearing a crown made of daisy chains and cheese rinds. “We’re legends now. Like Bigfoot, but hotter.” Charlene narrowed her eyes. “You don’t even wear pants, Gorp.” “Legends don’t need pants.” But before Charlene could light him on fire for the twelfth time that week, a rustle in the underbrush interrupted their bickering. Out popped a delegation of raccoons—six strong, each wearing tiny monocles, and the one in front wielding a scroll made of birch bark and passive-aggression. “Greetings, Firebird and Flatulent One,” the lead raccoon said, voice like wet gravel. “We represent the local Council of Dumpster Sovereignty. You’ve disrupted the ecological and political balance of the meadow, and we’re here to file a formal grievance.” Charlene blinked. Gorp farted nervously. “Your reckless cheese heist,” the raccoon continued, “has created a black market for dairy. Ferrets are rioting. Hedgehogs are hoarding gouda. And the goblin economy has completely collapsed. We demand reparations.” Charlene slowly turned to Gorp. “Did you—did you sell cheese on the black market?” “Define sell,” Gorp said, sweating. “Define black. Define market.” What followed was a montage of chaos, possibly set to banjo music and moonlight screams. The raccoons declared martial law. Charlene incinerated a wheel of brie in protest. Gorp accidentally summoned a cheese elemental named Craig who would only speak in puns and had violent opinions about cheddar purity. The climax hit when Charlene, cornered by raccoon enforcers, let out a scream so powerful it ignited half the sky. Feathers blazing, she soared into the air—her first real flight since the meadow crash—and dove like a comet into the horde, scattering rodents and flaming scrolls in all directions. Gorp, seeing her explode with rage and beauty and possibly hormones, did the only logical thing. He roared. A real roar. Not a sneeze-fart combo. A deep, ancient, dragon-born, bowel-rattling roar that split a tree, scared a skunk into therapy, and echoed through the hills like a declaration of sass-fueled war. The battle was short, smelly, and slightly erotic. When the dust cleared, the meadow was a wreck, Craig the Cheese Elemental had exploded into fondue, and the raccoons were holding a silent vigil for their fallen monocles. Charlene and Gorp collapsed in the wreckage, covered in soot, feathers, and at least three kinds of gouda. “That,” Gorp wheezed, “was the hottest damn thing I’ve ever seen.” Charlene laughed so hard she snorted fire. “You finally roared.” “Yeah. For you.” There was a long pause. Somewhere in the distance, a confused squirrel tried to hump a pinecone. Life was returning to normal. “You’re the worst friend I’ve ever had,” Charlene said. “Same,” Gorp replied, grinning. They lay in silence, watching the stars bleed into the sky. No cheese. No cults. Just fire and friendship. And maybe—just maybe—the beginning of something even dumber. “So…” Charlene said at last, “what’s next?” Gorp shrugged. “Wanna go steal a wizard’s bathtub?” Charlene smiled. “Hell yes.”     Bring a little chaos, charm, and cheese-fueled myth into your world! Immortalize the legendary saga of Charlene and Gorp with stunning art collectibles like this metal print that gleams with phoenix-level shine, or an acrylic print that brings out every sass-drenched feather and fart-lit flame. Feeling bold? Try puzzling together their epic cheese heist in this jigsaw puzzle—a perfect gift for people who enjoy mythical disasters and raccoon uprisings. Or set the mood for your own magical meadow with an art tapestry worthy of a centaur cult spa. Gorp-approved. Charlene-blessed. Possibly enchanted. Probably flammable.

by Bill Tiepelman

Tiny But Ticked Off

The Stump Situation In the middle of the Bellowing Pinewood, just past the grumpy willow who swore at birds and before the mossy rock that looked suspiciously like your ex, sat a tree stump. Not just any stump — this one smoldered with attitude. Burnt at the edges from a spell gone wrong (or right, depending on which witch you asked), and surrounded by crisp, curled autumn leaves, it had become something of a local attraction. Not for the stump itself, mind you. No one really cared about a stump, even a slightly singed one. What drew the gawkers, the gaspers, and the not-so-subtle sketch artists was the baby dragon squatting right atop it. About the size of a corgi, but far more judgmental, he was a glimmering puff of sapphire scale, spiked tail, and chronic side-eye. His name — and don’t you dare laugh — was Crispin T. Blort. The "T" stood for "Terror," though some claimed it stood for "Tiramisu" after a naming mishap involving dessert and ale. Either way, the point is: Crispin was, without question, over it. He was over the elves who kept stopping by to “boop his snoot.” Over the halfling bards who wrote odes about his “cutie-wittle fireballs.” And he was especially over the traveling influencers who draped him in flower crowns for their “Forest Core” TikToks. He was a DRAGON, not some enchanted handbag! “Touch me again and I will flambé your kneecaps,” he warned one morning, his voice somehow managing to sound both adorable and deeply menacing. A chipmunk froze mid-acorn heist and passed out from sheer intimidation. Or possibly from the fumes — Crispin had roasted a mushroom omelet earlier and, well, let’s just say eggs plus sulfur equals atmosphere. Despite his size, Crispin knew he was destined for greatness. He had dreams. Ambitions. A five-year plan that involved treasure, domination, and a personal assistant who wasn’t afraid of talons. But for now, he was stuck defending a tree stump in the middle of nowhere from well-meaning tourists and enchanted squirrels. One particularly brisk morning, as the leaves performed synchronized dives off their branches, Crispin awoke to the sound of giggling. Not the innocent kind. No, this was the unmistakable snicker of someone about to do something profoundly stupid. Slowly, eyes still half-lidded with disdain, he turned his head toward the noise. Two gnomes. One holding a cup of glitter. The other holding... was that a tutu? Crispin’s eyes glowed a little brighter. His tail twitched. His smirk spread like a gossiping gremlin across his face. “Oh,” he purred, cracking his knuckles (claws? knucklaws?), “You really want to do this today.” And that, dear reader, was the last moment of peace the Pinewood would know for a long, long time. Gnomes, Glitter, and Gratuitous Gloating “Wait, is he smiling?” whispered the smaller gnome, Fizzlestump, who held the glitter. His friend, Thimblewhack, clutched the pink tutu like it was the Holy Grail of humiliation. They had come prepared. They had rehearsed their lines. They had even brought enchanted oat bars as peace offerings. What they had not anticipated was that the tiny dragon on the stump — despite his adorable widdle size — would smirk like a Vegas blackjack dealer about to wreck your rent money. “Go on,” Crispin said, stretching languidly, wings flaring open just enough to send a flurry of dry leaves cascading into the gnomes’ faces. “Put the tutu on me. Do it. I double dare you, Fizzle-whatever.” Fizzlestump blinked. “H-how did he know my name?” “I know everything,” Crispin purred. “Like the fact you still sleep with a teddy bear named ‘Colonel Snugglenuts’ and that your cousin tried to marry a turnip last Midsummer.” Thimblewhack dropped the tutu. “Let me be clear,” Crispin continued, rising slowly, smoke curling from his nostrils like the world's sassiest incense. “You don’t glitter a dragon. Not unless you want to fart sparkles for the rest of your life and smell like regret mixed with elderflower shampoo.” “But it’s for charity,” Fizzlestump squeaked. “I am a charity,” Crispin snapped. “I’m charitable enough not to incinerate your shoe collection, which I assume consists entirely of orthopedic clogs and one suspiciously sexy leather boot.” With a single flap of his wings — more for dramatic effect than necessity — Crispin vaulted off the stump and landed between the two gnomes. They shrieked in harmony, clutching each other like protagonists in a poorly rated romantic comedy. “Let me show you something,” Crispin said, dragging a claw through the dirt like he was about to explain battle strategy to a pair of sentient beets. “This is my domain. This stump? Mine. That patch of moss that smells weird when it rains? Also mine. And that tree over there — the one shaped like a middle finger? Yeah. Named it after my mood.” Fizzlestump and Thimblewhack, both shaking like leaf salad in a wind tunnel, nodded rapidly. “Now. I have a very simple philosophy,” Crispin continued, walking slow circles around them like a furry blue shark with questionable ethics. “You glitter me, I gaslight you. You tutu me, I torch your topiary garden. You call me ‘snuggles,’ and I send a strongly worded letter to the Department of Hex Enforcement listing all your browser history.” Fizzlestump collapsed. Thimblewhack soiled himself just a little — barely noticeable, really. “BUT,” Crispin said, now lounging dramatically on his own tail like an actor awaiting applause, “I’m willing to forgive. I believe in second chances. I believe in redemption. And I believe — deeply, truly — in community service.” “Oh, thank the stars,” Thimblewhack gasped. “So here’s what’s going to happen,” Crispin said, claws tapping like the world's sassiest metronome. “You two are going to go into the village square. You’re going to gather a crowd. And you’re going to perform an interpretive dance titled 'The Audacity of Gnome'. There will be props. There will be glitter. And there will be musical accompaniment provided by my new friend, Gary the Screaming Possum.” Gary, who had wandered up during the drama, let out a blood-curdling shriek that sounded like a banshee trying to sing disco. The gnomes whimpered. “And if you refuse,” Crispin added with a grin wide enough to scare thunder, “I will sneeze directly into your facial hair. Which, as we all know, is magically bound to your reputation.” Fizzlestump started crying softly. “Good talk,” Crispin said, patting each of them lightly with the kind of sarcastic affection normally reserved for passive-aggressive HR meetings. “Now run along. You’ve got jazz hands to prepare.” As the gnomes scurried off in a blur of shame and glitter, Crispin flopped back on his stump, tail curling contentedly around his claws. The forest quieted again — even the wind paused, unsure whether to laugh or bow. From the branches above, a wise old owl shook its head. “You’re going to start a war, you know.” Crispin didn't even look up. “Good. I’ll bring the marshmallows.” And somewhere, deep in the enchanted foliage, the ancient magic of Pinewood stirred... sensing that a storm — or at least a really dramatic talent show — was on its way. Smoke, Sparkles, and the Smug Awakening The gnome performance hit Pinewood like a glam-rock meteor. Villagers gathered in the square expecting a harvest festival, only to be greeted by two quivering gnomes in sequined lederhosen performing what could only be described as a fever dream choreographed by a glitter-obsessed banshee with ADHD. Gary the Screaming Possum provided an audio experience that defied mortal language and possibly several sound ordinances. The highlight of the show — apart from the moment Fizzlestump was catapulted out of a papier-mâché mushroom cannon — was Thimblewhack’s solo interpretive wriggle entitled "We Should Not Have Mocked the Dragon." The villagers were too baffled to interrupt. Several fainted. One old centaur declared it a religious experience and renounced pants forever. Crispin, watching from atop a magical scrying puddle in his stump lair, dabbed the corner of his eye with a leaf. “Art,” he whispered. “This is what happens when petty vengeance meets interpretive jazz.” And while most thought the affair would be forgotten within a fortnight, Pinewood had other plans. The performance awakened something. Not a literal ancient evil — that was still sealed under the tavern, snoring softly — but a cultural ripple. The villagers were inspired. Inter-species dance competitions were scheduled. Glitter sales skyrocketed. The mayor declared every Thursday henceforth as “Dramatic Justice Day.” The town slogan was updated to: “We Don’t Tutu Dragons, We Embrace Them.” For the first time in generations, Pinewood wasn’t just a sleepy nook on the edge of the realm. It was the place. Trendy. Infused with chaotic joy. The kind of town where gnomes, goblins, and gremlins could coexist in collective weirdness. Crispin didn’t just start a movement — he incinerated the rulebook and replaced it with glitter, sass, and bite-sized revolution. Of course, not all were thrilled. The Woodland Purity League (founded by a cranky dryad who thought moss was a personality trait) tried to stage a protest. It ended poorly when Crispin challenged their leader to a rap battle and dropped bars so fiery a pinecone caught fire mid-rhyme. Meanwhile, Crispin found his fame had perks. Offers rolled in. Royalty requested fire lessons. Artists asked to paint his “angriest pose.” Someone sent him a golden chaise lounge. He didn’t know what to do with it, so he burned it. For ambiance. But even with rising notoriety, Crispin stayed true to his stump. “I’m not leaving,” he told a journalist from the Enchanted Times, sipping a marshmallow-laced cappuccino from a goblet. “This is ground zero for the snarkquake. Also, my tail looks amazing in this light.” He’d built a following. Cultivated a vibe. Influenced a town and possibly a small demigod who now insisted on wearing bedazzled capes. His legend — like his wings — kept growing. One dusk, as dragonkind began whispering of him in hushed tones (mostly “How is that smug lizard getting more fan mail than the Great Wyrm of Nork?”), Crispin lay curled on his stump, tail swishing, eyes glinting in the molten sunset. “I did good,” he murmured. A hedgehog rolled by with a bouquet and a letter of admiration from a fan club called “Scalies for Sass.” He accepted it with a nod and immediately set it on fire. For branding. And just as he began to drift into sleep, a breeze carried distant words through the forest: “...is that the dragon who made the gnomes dance and punched a unicorn in the feelings?” Crispin smiled. Not just any smile. The smile. That smug, bratty, glimmering grin that had launched a thousand awkward dance routines and at least three poetry slams. “Yes,” he whispered to the wind, glowing faintly in the evening haze. “I am.” And somewhere in the swirling gold of twilight, a new legend was born — of the tiny dragon on the stump who conquered an entire village, one sarcastic smirk at a time.     Bring Crispin Home (Without Getting Singed) If you’ve fallen in love with Crispin’s bratty brilliance and scaly sarcasm, you don’t have to journey into the Pinewood to see him again. Whether you want a daily dose of sass on your wall, your couch, or even in your stationery stack, we’ve captured his most iconic pose — tail curled, eyes glowing, attitude at 110% — in a collection of “Tiny But Ticked Off” gifts and prints. Canvas Print: Let Crispin’s glorious scaly mug take center stage on your wall. Perfect for spaces that need a little fire — or a lot of personality. Own the canvas here. Framed Print: Make it official. Put a frame on that smirk and let the world know your décor has bite. Frame your fire here. Greeting Card: Know someone who needs a little dragon energy? Send them sass in a stampable format. Send the smirk here. Spiral Notebook: Plot your revenge, doodle snarky dragons, or just write your grocery list like a boss. Get yours here. Fleece Blanket: Wrap yourself in mischief and fluff with this ridiculously soft throw featuring everyone’s favorite infernal gremlin. Snuggle the sass here. Crispin doesn’t bite — much. But his products? They slap. 🔥

by Bill Tiepelman

Pounce of the Poison Cap

The Shroom with a View It began, as most ridiculous tales do, with a purring lie and a daring squat atop a toadstool the size of a barstool. Tabitha Nine-Lives — part cat, part woman, all sass — perched smugly on her favorite fly agaric like it was her royal throne. Her striped fur shimmered in the damp light of dusk, tail flicking with feline superiority as if to say: Yes, I am absurdly gorgeous and possibly lethal. Deal with it. The forest around her dripped with secrets. Literal ones — some of the trees had mouths. But that was beside the point. The real danger was far less botanical and far more... bipedal. A new player had entered the woods. A human. A tall, confused, annoyingly handsome one who smelled like confidence issues and overpriced cologne. Tabitha had been watching him for three days. From the tops of trees, under ferns, through illusionary puddles — the usual. He didn’t know it yet, but he was already doomed. Not because the forest would eat him (though, to be fair, parts of it did bite), but because she had decided he was her next puzzle. “You're not ready for me,” she murmured with a purr, curling her claws around the cap of the mushroom as if it were a drumroll. “But then again, who is?” She crouched lower, eyes glowing in the dimness like twin moons on the prowl. Her ears twitched. He was close now. Crunching through leaves with all the subtlety of a toddler in tap shoes. Humans were such gloriously un-stealthy creatures. Like if a ham sandwich tried to join a ninja cult. Still, this one was curious. He’d asked the trees questions. He’d tried to pet a thorn bush (that had gone badly). And last night, he’d looked directly at a wispsnake and said, “Hey, do you talk?” Oh, honey. Tabitha hadn’t laughed that hard since the Dryad Queen tried to flirt with a scarecrow. She’d nearly fallen out of a pine tree. Which, for a cat-woman, was deeply embarrassing. But also worth it. Now it was time to escalate things. She licked the back of her paw (mostly for effect), adjusted her assets, and whispered a spell that smelled faintly of cinnamon and regret. A swirl of gold shimmered around her claws. The bait was set. Because tonight, she wasn’t just watching. She was going to make contact. Or more accurately, she was going to toy with her prey like a laser pointer on meth. And if the poor boy survived it? Maybe, just maybe, he’d earn the right to learn her real name. But probably not. She pounced off the mushroom, landing with a sound no louder than a smirk. Her silhouette vanished into the shadowed brambles, tail curling like a question mark behind her. The hunt had officially begun. Breadcrumbs, Bait, and the Boy Who Should Have Turned Back Wesley Crane was not having a good week. First, he got dumped by text (an emoji was involved — a cactus, oddly enough), then his GPS led him to a campsite that didn’t exist, and now he was hopelessly lost in a forest that definitely shouldn’t exist. Not like this. The trees were far too tall. The fog was far too warm. And he could’ve sworn the moss had a pulse. “This is fine,” he muttered, stepping over a suspiciously glowing mushroom and attempting to sound confident, which made him sound even more like a corporate intern pretending to know how to use Excel. “Totally fine. Just a highly immersive hiking trail. No biggie. That squirrel probably wasn’t carrying a dagger.” Meanwhile, Tabitha watched from the high boughs of a bent yew tree, stretched languidly like a striped shadow of judgment. She had toyed with the idea of letting the forest swallow him — as it had so many disappointing poets and flat-earthers — but there was something about this particular man-child that amused her. The way he flinched at leaves. The way he cursed under his breath like someone who thought swear words should be rationed. The way he kept muttering apologies to trees as if they were emotionally sensitive. He was, in a word, delicious. “Let’s see how you do with breadcrumbs,” she whispered, and flicked her fingers toward the trail ahead. Instantly, a path of mushrooms bloomed in a perfect spiral, glowing faintly and releasing just enough hallucinogenic spore to make his vision shimmer. He paused, blinked twice, and then laughed. “Cool. Bioluminescent funghi. Totally not ominous.” He stepped onto the path. Tabitha grinned. “Atta boy.” Deeper and deeper he went, winding through the illusion-rich woods. The air got thicker, dreamier. He passed a stone fountain that sang Broadway show tunes. A floating teacup offered him honey. A large snail wearing a monocle hissed, “Don’t trust the ferns.” Wesley, poor soul, thanked it earnestly and saluted. By the time he reached the clearing, he was half-hallucinating and entirely enchanted. Before him stood a glade of red-capped mushrooms, all silent, all watching. And in the center? The biggest, boldest toadstool of them all. Vacant. Like a throne missing its queen. “I feel like I’m being lured,” he said aloud. “Oh, you are,” came the voice. Smooth as cream, sharp as claws. Wesley spun around — and there she was. Tabitha emerged from the trees with the casual grace of someone who had definitely been stalking you and was 100% proud of it. Her fur shimmered with gold-tipped twilight, her ears twitching with smug superiority. And those eyes… twin portals of cosmic mischief. She stopped just close enough to be unsettling, one clawed finger tapping her thigh with theatrical flair. “So,” she purred, “do you always follow glowing fungus into mysterious glades, or is today special?” “Um,” said Wesley, whose brain had just face-planted into a puddle of hormones and terror. “I… well… the mushrooms—” “—You obeyed a fungal breadcrumb trail like a Disney side character.” She circled him now, slow and measured. “Bold. Stupid. Probably repressed. But bold.” Wesley tried not to turn his head as she passed behind him, tail curling toward his shoulder. “What are you?” he managed. She paused. “Oh, honey. If I had a mushroom for every man who’s asked me that...” She flicked a single claw and a small spore cloud poofed into the air. “But let’s pretend you’re new and unspoiled. Let’s start with names. You can call me Tabitha.” “Is that your real name?” She squinted. “Did you just ask a shapeshifting forest predator for her government name?” Wesley immediately regretted his life choices. “Look,” he said, holding up his hands, “I think I took a wrong turn. I’m not… I mean, I don’t want any trouble. I just want to get out of here and maybe call an Uber?” “Darling,” Tabitha said, stepping closer, “you walked into an enchanted forest with GPS, AirPods, and anxiety. You didn’t take a wrong turn. You got chosen.” “Chosen for what?” She leaned in, her nose almost brushing his. Her voice dropped to a whisper: “That’s the mystery.” And then she was gone. Vanished. Not vanished like "ran into the woods" — vanished like poof, snap, smoke-ringed drama. Only a faint pawprint of golden dust remained where she had stood. Wesley stood in the clearing, alone, heartbeat in his ears, wondering if he’d imagined it all. Behind him, the toadstools giggled softly. Not with mouths — that would be ridiculous — but with spores. Invisible, snickering spores. He sat down on the edge of the mushroom throne and sighed. Somewhere, an owl hooted the opening chords to "Careless Whisper." This night was getting weird. And it was far from over. The Claw and the Contract Wesley didn’t sleep that night. Not because of fear — though the tree that kept softly whispering “snacc” in his direction wasn’t helping — but because he couldn’t shake her. The feline silhouette. The velvet sarcasm. The way she had looked at him like a bored librarian eyeing a misfiled romance novel. It wasn’t love. Hell, it wasn’t even lust. It was worse. It was curiosity. He had the distinct sense that he had been catalogued. Weighed. Possibly licked. And that the forest was just waiting to see what he'd do next. Spores floated like lazy fireflies. Somewhere nearby, a pair of mushrooms slow-danced to swing jazz. He had tried walking in a straight line for an hour. The result? He ended up exactly where he started — at the toadstool throne. And it was warm. That was the worst part. It remembered her. “Alright,” he muttered at the moss. “I give up. Forest 1, Wesley 0.” “Technically, I’m the forest’s MVP,” purred a familiar voice, “but I’ll accept the compliment.” She was lounging on a low branch now, upside-down, tail swaying lazily, cleavage unapologetic. The picture of chaos in repose. He didn’t scream. He had passed the scream phase hours ago and was now deep into deadpan resignation. “You’re messing with me,” he said. “Of course,” she said brightly, flipping down and landing on all fours like a sin in motion. “But I mess with everyone. The trick is knowing why.” He frowned. “You said I was chosen.” “I did. And you are. Chosen to make a choice.” She circled him again, but slower now. Less predatory, more... performative. “You’re not the first to stumble in here. Most don’t make it past the mushrooms. You did. That says something.” “That I’m gullible?” “That you’re curious. Curious people are dangerous. They either burn down systems or die spectacularly trying.” “And what if I just want to go home?” She stopped. Tilted her head. “Then I’ll walk you to the edge of the woods myself.” “Really?” “No,” she said flatly. “This forest eats GPS signals and barfs up metaphors. You’re not leaving until you hear the offer.” “The what now?” She clapped her clawed hands. Sparks flew. A scroll of bark and golden moss appeared in mid-air and rolled open with an audible pop. The ink glowed. “One wish,” she said. “Forest rules. You made it to the throne. You met the guardian. That’s me, by the way, in case you’re still catching up. So you get a wish.” Wesley looked at the scroll. “There’s fine print.” “Of course there’s fine print. What do you think this is, Disneyland?” “What’s the catch?” “Well, you could wish for money. But the forest doesn’t understand taxes. You could wish for love, but it’ll probably come in the form of a dangerously codependent kelpie. Or,” she said, stretching lazily, “you could wish for what you really want.” “And what’s that?” She was behind him now, chin on his shoulder. “Adventure. Mystery. Something real in a world where everything feels like it’s been run through a content filter and sold back to you in an ad.” He turned. Met her gaze. “Is that what this is to you? A job?” She blinked. For the first time, her mask cracked, just a little. “It’s what I was made for.” “That sounds lonely.” She growled low in her throat. “Don’t human me, Wes. I’ll vomit on your shoes.” “I’m just saying... maybe you don’t have to be alone in this forest. Maybe you want someone to choose you for once.” Silence. Then: “Say that again and I’ll make you mate with a talking fox for eternity.” “You didn’t say no.” She stared at him. Eyes narrowed. “Make your wish.” He reached out and touched the scroll. His voice steady. “I wish to know the truth about this forest — and about you.” The scroll burst into flame. The trees leaned in. The wind held its breath. Tabitha didn’t move. Her pupils shrank to slits. “You... idiot. You could’ve had gold. Immortality. Threesomes with dryads. And you picked me?” He shrugged. “You’re more interesting.” She pounced. Not like before. This wasn’t a predator striking — it was something more like gravity. She landed on him, claws out but careful, breath hot against his cheek. “You don’t know what you’ve done,” she whispered. “You’ve bound yourself to the woods. To me.” “I’ll take my chances.” “You’re mine now, Wes.” “I figured.” And as the forest exploded into golden light and laughter, the trees dancing, the mushrooms whistling, and the path finally revealing itself — Tabitha kissed him with a purr and a growl. The woods had chosen him back.     If you're now emotionally bonded to Tabitha and itching to take a piece of her world home, you're in luck. "Pounce of the Poison Cap" is available as a gallery-quality canvas print or a framed wall piece to bring that woodland sass into your lair. Want to cozy up with a purring mystery? There's a super soft fleece blanket that'll make you feel wrapped in forest magic. Prefer something interactive? Try the jigsaw puzzle version—because nothing says “chaotic bonding ritual” like 500 tiny pieces of cat and fungus. Or, jot down your own mischievous adventures in the spiral notebook edition, perfect for spells, secrets, or surprisingly deep thoughts about talking snails.

by Bill Tiepelman

Ribbit in Bloom

The Blooming Problem Floberto was not your average frog. For starters, he hated mud. Absolutely despised it. Said it squelched between his toes in a way that felt “improper.” He preferred things clean, colorful, and dramatically fragrant. While the other frogs were happily ribbiting under lily pads, Floberto dreamed of finer things—like rose petals, rainwater champagne, and just once, being serenaded by a jazz quartet during a thunderstorm. His dreams were a constant source of eye-rolls among his pondmates. “You can’t be serious, Floberto,” hissed Grelch, a grumpy old bullfrog with a croak like a flat tire. “Roses? They have thorns, you idiot.” But Floberto didn’t care. He was determined to find a bloom that matched his... ambiance. So one dew-drenched morning, he leapt from the pond’s edge and set off into the Great Garden Beyond. Legends said it was ruled by a monarch named Maribelle the Cat, who once ate a squirrel simply for looking too nervous. Floberto, with all the swagger of a frog who moisturized, was undeterred. Hours passed, and he hopped past fields of forget-me-nots, ducked under hydrangeas, and narrowly avoided becoming a bee’s accidental booty call inside a tulip. He was about to give up, mid-hop, when he smelled it. That perfume. Spicy, citrusy, the kind of smell that said, “Yes, darling, I am a bit much.” It was there—gleaming in the morning sun like a royal summons. A rose. But not just any rose. This one was massive, with petals like velvet dipped in sunset, unfurling in warm spirals of amber, gold, and just a hint of menace. She looked dangerous and fabulous. Just like Floberto liked his romantic prospects. Without hesitation, he leapt into the center, nestling himself deep in the bloom’s luxurious folds. And just like that, he vanished. From the outside, you couldn’t see him at all. It was as though the rose had swallowed him whole in an act of floral flirtation. From inside, Floberto grinned. “Finally,” he crooned, “a throne worthy of my thighs.” Unfortunately, what he didn’t know was that this rose wasn’t just a flower. It was enchanted. And not in a sweet, Disney sort of way. More like “cursed by a flirtatious horticulturist with trust issues.” The moment Floberto adjusted his bottom on a particularly plump petal, the rose shuddered. Vines curled inward. Pollen shimmered like glitter caught in a spell. And with a final burp of magical energy, Floberto the Frog was fused with the flower in a way that no amphibian therapist would ever be trained to explain. He blinked. His legs were still there. His froggy features, intact. But so were the petals, now a part of him—wrapped over his shoulders like a cape, blooming out of his back like wings, and curling around his head like a fashion-forward bonnet made by a deranged florist with dreams of Paris. “Okay,” he said to the sky. “This is not a problem. This is branding.” Somewhere in the hedges, a squirrel watching the whole thing dropped its acorn and whispered, “What the actual frog...” Crowned in Sass, Drenched in Destiny Now, some frogs might panic when they find themselves fused with an enchanted flower. Some might scream, hop uncontrollably in a flurry of pollen, or launch into frantic ribbits while demanding an audience with the nearest wizard. Not Floberto. Oh no. He adjusted his petal-collar, gave his shoulders a smug little shake to test the bounce of his newly acquired floral frill, and declared, “I am officially stunning.” After a brief moment of self-admiration and two more just for safety, Floberto did what any self-respecting frog-flower chimera with a flair for the dramatic would do: he struck a pose and waited to be discovered. Which, as fate and garden politics would have it, didn’t take long. Enter: Maribelle the Cat. Now, Maribelle wasn’t your average backyard feline. She wasn’t here for belly rubs and laser dots. No, she was the self-appointed Queen of the Garden—a sleek, smoky-gray tabby with golden eyes and a penchant for biting the heads off garden gnomes. Legend said she once held an entire standoff with a hawk and won with nothing but a sarcastic yawn and a claw swipe to the face. Maribelle didn’t rule the garden. She curated it. She edited it. Anything that didn’t suit her aesthetic was peed on or buried. So when whispers reached her twitchy ears that something “weird and colorful” was blooming in the west patch without her permission, she padded over with the slow, deliberate menace of someone who had never once been told ‘no.’ She arrived in a rustle of leaves and contempt, her tail high, her pupils narrowed like judgmental slits. When she saw Floberto—perched in his glorious rose-throne, all eyes and petals and smug self-satisfaction—she stopped. Blinked. Sat down with a thud. “What in the organic, compostable hell are you?” she drawled. Floberto, unbothered and blooming, tilted his head. “I am evolution, darling.” Maribelle sniffed. “You look like a salad bar with an identity crisis.” “Compliment accepted.” The cat’s tail flicked. “You’re not supposed to be here. This is my garden. I approve the flora. I nap beneath the ferns and occasionally murder voles under the moonlight. You’re... chaos.” Floberto gave her a slow blink that rivaled any feline. “I am art. I am nature. I am the drama.” “You’re a frog in a flower.” “I am a floral icon and I demand recognition.” Maribelle sneezed in his direction, then began licking her paw aggressively, as if washing away the very concept of his presence. “The aphids are going to unionize over this.” But as she licked and side-eyed him, something peculiar began to happen. Bees hovered near Floberto but didn’t sting. The winds shifted softly around him. Even the usually snobby tulips bent ever so slightly in his direction. The entire garden, it seemed, was paying attention. “This isn’t just enchantment,” Maribelle muttered. “This is social disruption.” She paced in a slow circle around Floberto’s rose, tail twitching like a WiFi signal in a thunderstorm. “You’ve fused plant and animal. You’ve blurred the ecosystemic binary. You’ve created something… unsettlingly stylish.” Floberto let out a demure croak. “Thank you. It’s not easy to be groundbreaking and moist at the same time.” And that’s when it happened. The change. The first true moment of transformation—not just of body, but of status. A caterpillar, previously known in the garden for his severe anxiety and refusal to molt, climbed shakily up a daisy stalk and squeaked out, “I like it.” Then a hummingbird zipped by, paused mid-air, and murmured, “Sick drip, my guy.” And then—then—a dandelion puffed itself up and whispered on the breeze: “Icon.” Maribelle stood stunned. For the first time since she’d declared herself queen (following a particularly dramatic standoff with a weed whacker), something had shifted in the power structure of the garden. Floberto hadn’t just inserted himself into her kingdom—he had begun to redefine it. “Fine,” she growled. “You want recognition? You’ll get it. Tomorrow, we hold the Garden Assembly. And if the creatures vote to keep your fancy froggy behind here... I’ll allow it. But if they don’t—if they choose order over petal-draped madness—I’ll personally punt you back into the mud, no matter how dewy your couture is.” Floberto smirked, utterly unthreatened. “Very well. I shall prepare my speech. And my shoulders. They require shimmer.” That night, Floberto didn’t sleep. Partially because the rose tickled when he inhaled too deeply, but mostly because he was planning. His speech would need to be powerful. Transformational. He needed to speak to the soul of every underappreciated weed, every overlooked earthworm, every moth who ever wanted to be a butterfly but feared the judgment of dahlias. He would become the symbol of blooming where you were defiantly not planted. And if he had to wear a floral cape and flirt with a cranky cat queen to do it, so be it. “Let the garden try to contain me,” he whispered, striking a dramatic silhouette against the moonlit rose. “Let them bloom with me... or get left in the compost pile of irrelevance.” The Assembly of Bloom and Doom Morning arrived not with birdsong, but with murmurs. Whispered pollen gossip. The buzz of gossiping bees. A nervous rustling of leaves that said, “Something is happening, and we might need snacks.” Maribelle had summoned every living thing in the garden—excluding the mole, who refused to surface without a lawyer. From the regal daffodils to the existentially confused ants, all came to the Great Garden Assembly, held (somewhat inconveniently) beneath the raspberry trellis, which was known for its uneven lighting and thorn-related lawsuits. Maribelle perched atop a rock shaped like an accidental phallus and addressed the crowd with all the weary condescension of a monarch who had been asked to host a talent show against her will. “Creatures of the garden,” she yawned, “we are gathered today to determine whether this... amphibious flower accident stays among us, or is expelled for crimes against aesthetic continuity.” Floberto cleared his throat—or, more precisely, croaked with confidence—and leapt onto a dahlia podium someone had sneakily erected with twine and optimism. His petals gleamed. His eyes shone with wet conviction. And, as if nature itself were cosigning his vibe, a single butterfly landed on his petal-shoulder like a biodegradable mic drop. “Fellow photosynthesizers and pollinators,” he began, “I come not to divide this garden, but to bloom with reckless intent.” Gasps rippled. A dandelion fainted. Somewhere in the back, a pine beetle clapped and immediately felt self-conscious. “You see,” he continued, pacing in slow, regal hops, “we have been told we must be either plant or animal. We must choose dirt or dew. Legs or leaves. But what if I told you that we could be both? That we could leap and lounge in sunlight. That we could ribbit while smelling fantastic.” The crowd was rapt. Even the cucumbers, normally disinterested in political anything, leaned forward. “I was not born into a rose. I became one. By choice. By accident. By enchantment. Who knows? But in doing so, I became more than the sum of my slime.” From the dais, Maribelle squinted. “Is this... performance poetry?” “It’s a manifesto,” hissed a monarch butterfly, who once went to a workshop in Brooklyn and wouldn’t shut up about it. Floberto flared his petals and took a deep breath. “There are creatures here who’ve never known what it means to feel seen. The aphids who dance ballet in secret. The slug who writes romance novels under a pseudonym. The worm with a crippling fear of tunnels. I am here for them.” “And also,” he added, “because I look fabulous and you can’t stop looking at me.” A chorus of high-pitched squeals erupted from a cluster of teenage mushrooms. A squirrel clutched his chest. A ladybug whispered, “Is it possible to be... into this?” Then, from the back, came a voice—slow, sticky, and devastatingly sincere. It was Gregory the Snail, infamous for his questionable love poems and trail-based calligraphy. “He made me feel... pollenated... in my soul.” The crowd broke into chaos. Vines writhed with excitement. Bees accidentally high-fived in midair. A mole did surface—but only to declare, “I’m bisexual and this frog makes me believe in reincarnation.” Maribelle hissed for silence, but it was too late. A revolution had begun. Not of swords, nor claws—but of identity. Of glamour. Of unapologetic self-expression by way of botanical mutation. And so it was done. By a landslide vote—three grubs abstained, citing “confusion”—Floberto was not only permitted to stay, but was crowned the first-ever Ambassador of Floral Weirdness and Unapologetic Vibes. Maribelle, with all the grace she could muster, approached him. “Well played,” she muttered, licking one paw and gently adjusting a petal. “You’re still unbearable, but you’re... effective.” Floberto bowed. “Thank you, your majesty. I’m like mildew—impossible to ignore, and occasionally poetic.” And so, the garden changed. Just a little. Just enough. New blooms began to sprout in strange shapes. The caterpillar finally molted and became a butterfly with bisexual lighting on his wings. The slug published his novel under the name “Velvet Wiggle.” And Maribelle, although she’d never admit it, began sleeping under the rosebush where Floberto lived—just close enough to hear his nightly affirmations. “I am moist. I am magnificent. I am enough.” And in the moonlight, the garden whispered back... “Ribbit.”     Feeling enchanted by Floberto’s floral fabulousness? Bring the sass and splendor of “Ribbit in Bloom” into your world with a variety of fine art products designed to bloom on your wall—or your coffee table. Whether you're vibing with a framed print that turns heads, a sleek metal print with attitude, or a luxe acrylic print that sparkles with drama—Floberto’s got you covered. For those who prefer a more interactive experience, try the jigsaw puzzle (it's like frog-fueled therapy). Or send a smirk by mail with a sassy greeting card. However you bloom, bloom boldly.

by Bill Tiepelman

Whirlwind of Wings and Wonder

The Feral Bloomchild of Snapdragon Row There was a ruckus in the garden again. Not the usual kind—the bumblebee karaoke, the tulip gossip circles, or the occasional dueling squirrels—no, this was a glitterstorm of chaos. And at the eye of the pastel-hued hurricane twirled a blur of hot-pink curls, stompy boots, and an attitude that didn’t care for bedtime, rules, or socks with proper elastic. Her name? Pippa Petalwhip. Age: six-and-three-quarters fairy cycles. Status: wildly unsupervised. Her hair had the kind of electric fuchsia fluff that defied combs, bows, and the very laws of wind resistance. She wore a flower crown like a royal threat. Her wings were not so much delicate as they were expressive—flapping in agitation when scolded, flaring dramatically during tantrums, and occasionally slapping the neighbor’s roses just because they were smug. Pippa was, as her grandmother said through gritted teeth, “a whole basket of trouble with glitter for garnish.” She lived in the Wigglyglade Garden District—a cozy realm behind a row of hydrangeas, between the old garden gnome with the mug problem and a clump of very judgy dandelions. There, Pippa ruled with pink boots of fury and a heart full of nonsense. On this particularly sun-sloshed day, she had declared herself “Queen of the Blustery Blossoms” and was organizing a floral parade. She was the only participant. She marched alone. She blew her kazoo like a battle horn, her wings shimmering in the light, flinging pollen like confetti. The peonies tried to stand upright and dignified but quivered slightly with every stomp of her boots. “Make way for Majesty!” she bellowed, nearly tripping over a drowsy caterpillar. Her overalls—pink, pocketed, and patched with questionable embroidery—billowed with each pirouette. A single sock had vanished mid-morning and was presumed lost to the hedgehog mafia. The remaining one had given up trying to stay up and bunched halfway around her ankle, clinging for dear life. And her boots? Oh, they were weapons of mass adorableness, clomping and clunking like a mischievous marching band with rhythm issues. Pippa was on a mission today. Rumor had it that an elder fairy (ancient, probably thirty or so) had once hidden a magical whoopstick somewhere near the rhubarb patch. A whoopstick, in fairy terms, was a sacred item capable of producing endless giggles, unpredictable flatulence spells, and the ability to turn slugs into macarons. Obviously, it needed to be found immediately. Armed with a magnifying acorn, a garden fork named Stabby, and two marshmallows for “emergency negotiations,” Pippa began her quest. Her wings hummed with anticipation, her boots stomped with determination, and the daisies whispered to each other in nervous suspense. “Oh no,” one sighed. “She’s going into the tulip zone. They’re… delicate.” Indeed, the tulips were notoriously uptight. They formed neat lines, voted on petal arrangements, and held HOA meetings about hummingbird noise. As Pippa bounded through them with all the grace of a cannonball in a tutu, a shocked gasp echoed through the stems. “MISS PETALWHIP!” shrieked Madame Tulipia, the head bloom. “This is a neighborhood, not a racetrack for glitter hooligans!” Pippa grinned with the unrepentant joy of a girl who knew very well she had diplomatic immunity due to being outrageously adorable. “I’m on a royal mission,” she declared. “By decree of me!” “Oh sweet saplings,” groaned the lavender. “She’s got a decree again.” But nothing could stop her—not rules, not tulips, not even the tiny swarm of angry gnats that mistook her for a floral food truck. With a twirl, a hoot, and a kazoo blast that startled a passing snail into a backflip, Pippa disappeared into the tall grass, off to chase magic, mayhem, and possibly a snack. She had no map, no plan, and absolutely no idea what she was doing. But she had her boots. And her crown. And a heart full of thunderous wonder. And that, dear reader, was enough. Of Whoopsticks, Wiggly Wormlords, and the Unbearable Formality of Tulips Pippa Petalwhip was now deep into the wilds of the garden borderland, beyond the neatly trimmed basil republic and far past the snail toll-booth (which she had skipped, promising to “pay with exposure”). Her mission to find the mythical whoopstick had taken her into territories charted only in crayon maps and whispered about by giggling mushrooms with questionable motives. The first true obstacle appeared not long after a minor detour through the Mossy Hollows, where she’d mistaken a sleeping hedgehog for a pebble beanbag and was forcibly ejected by its indignant butt-wiggle. Pippa brushed herself off, extracted a burr from her underpants, and marched straight into the Earthworm Underground. The worms, it must be said, were not ready for her. “You can’t just barge in,” sputtered a flustered diplomat-worm wearing a monocle fashioned from a dewdrop ring. “This is a closed council meeting of the Wormlords!” “I’m royalty,” Pippa explained with the utmost sincerity. “Behold my crown. It was woven by bees and regret.” “It’s made of daisies and a Fruit Loop,” muttered another worm. Unbothered, Pippa plopped herself down—boots first—on a mossy stone and began unwrapping a cheese stick. “Look, I’m just passing through. I’m hunting the legendary Whoopstick of Giggleglen. Supposed to be somewhere near the rhubarb. Or possibly the compost pile. Directions were vague. Also, I'm slightly lost.” The worms exchanged squishy glances. “You mean the ancient fart-stick?” whispered one, reverently. “It sings!” gasped another. “And glows! And once caused a raccoon to laugh itself into a tree stump!” “It does fart jokes?” Pippa lit up like a bottle rocket in pigtails. “I must have it.” “There are trials,” intoned the headworm, dramatically coiling himself into the shape of a scroll. “Tests of heart, courage, and burrowing etiquette.” Pippa narrowed her eyes. “I can recite the Sacred Rhyme of the Garden Realms,” she offered. “You may proceed,” said the worm, not entirely sure if that was a real thing or not. And so she chanted, with full dramatic flair: “Basil is bossy, thyme’s always late,Dandelions gossip and lettuce debates.The worms are squiggly and tulips uptight—But I’ve got pink boots and I’m ready to fight!” There was a moment of stunned silence, followed by slow, squishy clapping. “Honestly,” the worm whispered, “that kind of slapped.” And with that, they pointed her toward the secret tunnel, guarded by a single very tired centipede who let her through with a shrug and a juice box. Onward she traveled, muttering to herself, “I bet I’m the only fairy on this side of the compost pile with street cred and a kazoo.”     Meanwhile, back in Tuliptown, the floral neighborhood association was having a full-blown meltdown. Madame Tulipia paced in furious spirals, her petals wilting with stress. “We must send a delegation,” she sniffed. “That child is a hazard. A—perky menace!” The daffodils nodded sagely, the violets wept in terror, and a lone bachelor sunflower suggested, “Or we could just... let her be?” “You’re single,” Tulipia snapped, “your opinion is invalid.” And so it was that they formed a committee, as all bureaucratic nightmares do, and dispatched a scouting party of three slightly reluctant snapdragons to follow the trail of glitter and kazoo crumbs.     Pippa, meanwhile, emerged into the Compost Wastes—a region feared by all for its pungent ambiance and rogue banana peels. It smelled like existential dread and potato peels. But there, shimmering faintly beneath a half-eaten fig and a suspiciously clean spoon, lay the object of her quest: The Whoopstick. It was magnificent. A twisted wand of oak and sassafras, carved with glyphs in an ancient and suspiciously childish script. The handle was wrapped in glitter tape. It hummed with suppressed glee and questionable magic. “Hark!” Pippa whispered, licking a finger and holding it to the air. “The winds of whimsy blow true.” She reached out, dramatic as a soap opera unicorn, and grasped the Whoopstick. It farted. Loudly. The resulting soundwave knocked a crow out of a tree, turned a beetle inside out (harmlessly), and made Pippa snort so hard she tripped over her own boot. “YEEEEESSSS!!!” she howled in glee, waving it above her head like she was summoning the gods of mischief and flatulence. That was when the snapdragons found her, standing atop a mound of compost, crowned in flowers, kazoo between her teeth, and brandishing a mystical fartstick like a warrior of joy. “Oh gods,” one muttered. “She’s activated it.” The others ran. But Pippa? She twirled, laughed, and blasted them with a cloud of sparkling raspberry-scented whoop. “THE WHIRLWIND IS RISEN!” she cried. “FEAR ME AND MY FLORAL WRATH!” And thus began the Great Garden Giggle Uprising of the 11:15 AM Timeslot, led by a tiny, chaotic fairy with unbrushed hair, impractical boots, and the sheer audacity of wonder. Glitter Rebellions, Kazoo Diplomacy, and the Unmaking of the Orderly Bloom The aftermath of Pippa’s acquisition of the Whoopstick was nothing short of botanical pandemonium. As she stomped, twirled, and kazooed her way out of the compost heap like a victorious warlord of whimsy, the garden reeled. The snapdragons retreated with tales of horror: “She farted in iambic pentameter!” one cried. “There was glitter! Glitter in my ears!” sobbed another. Madame Tulipia was already composing a list of sanctions: no nectar privileges, a probationary peony patrol, and possibly even a cease-and-desist scroll written in scented ink. But Pippa did not care. She had a mission now—an even grander one. The Whoopstick pulsed with mischief and chaotic potential, and her boots were practically vibrating with anticipation. The whispers of the wind spoke of a place long forbidden, long feared, long overdue for a visit from someone with zero impulse control: The Council of Perennials. Located deep beneath the Old Oak Grove, the Council was made up of ancient blooms—stately chrysanthemums, wise old lilies, and a rose with a monocle so tight it had a permanent dent in its petal. They were the garden’s ruling order, and Pippa had... well, let’s call it a “complicated” relationship with them. They believed in quiet. In neatness. In seasonal timetables. And above all else, they believed strongly that kazoos were not instruments of diplomacy. Pippa planned to change that.     She arrived in full regalia: flower crown now upgraded with two gum wrappers and a snail shell, overalls patched with duct tape art, wings pre-fluffed, and cheeks smeared in dandelion paint like war stripes. In one hand she held the Whoopstick; in the other, a jam sandwich she had been meaning to eat since yesterday. “I come,” she declared, startling the entire mushroom council on the way in, “to establish a new Fairy Accord!” “Young lady,” boomed Elder Rosemont with the pained patience of a tulip on hold with customer service, “this is a place of order. You are not on the agenda.” “Then I’m rewriting the agenda,” Pippa chirped. “With my sparkly wand of doom.” Gasps. Actual fainting. A carnation had to be resuscitated with smelling moss. “What exactly do you propose?” Elder Lily sighed, half-expecting the answer to involve glitter, socks, or interpretive dance. “I demand a Joy Amendment,” Pippa said, arms akimbo, boot firmly planted on a toadstool podium. “Clause One: All fairies are permitted at least one loud kazoo solo per day. Clause Two: Compost slides will be built in every sector. Clause Three: No flower may complain about pollen farts without medical documentation.” There was silence. Then muttering. Then, from the back, a shaky old daisy cleared its throat and said, “Honestly… it’s not the worst proposal we’ve heard this season.” The vote was called. Pippa campaigned aggressively by offering bribes of juice boxes and knock-knock jokes. The Snapdragons, once her pursuers, now her converted disciples, voted in favor after being allowed to test-drive the Whoopstick’s “rude noise” setting. It passed. With pomp, circumstance, and a surprise kazoo flash mob (organized via mushroom whisper network), the Joy Amendment was ratified. Pippa was declared Ambassador of Whimsy and granted a ceremonial sash made entirely of recycled birthday ribbons and suspiciously glittery lint. But the greatest honor came when Elder Chrysanthemum, known for being so old she remembered when fairies were still hatched from pinecones, approached and smiled gently. “You remind me,” she said, “of what this garden once was. Loud. Bright. Stupidly joyful. Thank you, little whirlwind.” Pippa sniffled. “You’re welcome. Also I may have sat on your teacup. I regret nothing.”    Weeks passed. The garden changed. Spontaneous dance parties broke out among the snap peas. Bees formed a kazoo symphony. Even the tulips, though they would never admit it, began adding a touch of glitter to their petal tips. Pippa ruled not with an iron fist, but with a jelly-stained kazoo, a soft spot for slug races, and a complete disregard for bedtime. Her adventures were catalogued in petal-scrolls and told by firefly light. Children, bugs, and occasionally confused birds gathered to hear tales of the day she tamed the wind with a whoopstick, or the time she rode a rogue toad through the basil district. She still stomped through the peonies. Still scared the daisies. Still made the tulips clutch their pearls. But now, they smiled while scolding. They offered lemonade with their complaints. And when the garden was especially quiet—just before the sun kissed the edge of the marigolds—one might hear a single sound echoing through the glade: A long, proud, farting kazoo note. The anthem of the Bloomchild Queen. The sound of wonder. The Whirlwind lives on.     Bring the magic of “Whirlwind of Wings and Wonder” home with you! Whether you're a daydreamer, a chaos fairy at heart, or just someone who knows the power of a properly timed kazoo solo, you can capture Pippa's enchanted world in vibrant detail. Cozy up with this fleece blanket for storytime snuggles, or turn your space into a whimsical wonderland with a dreamy wall tapestry or colorful canvas print. For those who love a joyful challenge, the jigsaw puzzle brings every petal, boot, and twinkle of mischief to life. Explore the full line of fairy-fabulous goodies at Unfocussed and invite a little whirlwind into your world!

by Bill Tiepelman

The Girl Who Listened to Owls

The Quiet Between the Wings In a forest untouched by cartographers and unspoiled by time, there was a girl who never spoke. She had not always been silent, but the world had grown so loud that her words got drowned somewhere between the sigh of the wind and the cracks in her mother’s voice. Her name, if she remembered it at all, was buried deep beneath layers of moss and memory. Each morning, she rose with the dew. Bare feet kissed the earth as she wandered beneath towering trees, her copper curls collecting leaves and whispers. She belonged to no one. Not the village that once branded her too strange, too solemn. Not the couple who had left her in that village like a forgotten coat. She belonged only to the stillness of the woods, and to the owls who kept watch in the canopy above. The first owl came to her the day she stopped crying. She had been crouched beside a frozen stream, too tired to grieve, too numb to care, when she heard the rustle of wings. A tawny owl landed silently beside her, its amber eyes unblinking. It did not coo or tilt its head like in the stories. It simply was, as if summoned by grief itself. The girl, for reasons she couldn’t name, held out her wrist—and the owl climbed on like it had always belonged there. They grew up together, the girl and the owl. They never named each other. He brought her the stillness she had craved, and she offered warmth to the nights when the forest howled. Villagers whispered about her. “Witchling,” they said. “Cursed child.” One claimed she turned into an owl herself by moonlight, but no one dared get close enough to prove it. Eventually, the gossip grew stale and faded like the path into the woods. Years passed, marked only by the growth rings in the trees and the new strands of silver in the owl’s feathers. The girl, now nearing womanhood, spoke only in glances and gestures. But to the owl, she gave all her words, every last one she’d never dared to say aloud. He listened. Owls are good at that—listening without interrupting, judging, or fixing. The kind of listening most people forget to practice once they grow up. It was on the eve of the longest night, as the frost clung to the last shivering leaves, that the owl began to fail. His wings no longer lifted him as high. His eyes lost their fire. And the girl—no longer a girl, but something softer and stronger—realized that she would have to prepare for his leaving. But how do you prepare to lose the only creature who ever truly heard you? She built him a nest near the edge of the glade, lined with her coat and bits of yarn she unraveled from her skirts. She fed him berries, warmed his fragile body with her own, and read aloud the stories she’d once scrawled on tree bark. For the first time in years, her voice returned—raspy, unsure, but real. And the owl blinked slowly, his head tucked beneath her chin, as if to say, Keep speaking. Even when I’m gone. On the solstice morning, he did not wake. The girl did not cry. Instead, she sat with him for hours, until the mist thinned and the light broke gently through the trees. And when she finally stood, cradling his body to her chest, the forest felt smaller. Or maybe she had simply grown. She began to walk, her boots stirring the frost-bitten ferns, toward a place she had never dared to go before—the edge of the woods. The Language of Ash and Feather She didn’t bury him. She couldn’t. The idea felt wrong—final in a way that her soul wasn’t ready for. So she burned sage and pine resin in a circle of smooth stones and laid him in the heart of it. When she set the flame, it didn’t crackle or roar. It whispered. It whispered like the rustle of wings in the early morning fog, like a goodbye that sounded suspiciously like “you already know the way.” When the smoke rose, she didn’t watch it go. She turned and walked. There was no trail, only instinct. Past the tree she had once named “Mother” for its bent arms. Past the stone she had bled on once, during a tantrum she never quite forgave herself for. Past the spring where she had imagined drowning, before the owl sat beside her and changed everything by saying nothing. She emerged at the edge of the forest on the third day, barefoot and unblinking. Before her sprawled a field of dead wheat, bent and yellowed from the frost. A lonely dirt road stretched through it like a scar. The village was visible in the distance, all wood smoke and pale rooftops. She hesitated—not out of fear, but because her heart had grown so used to silence it wasn’t sure how to beat among noise again. The first person she met was a boy. Not a boy in the way children are—this one was all calluses and smoke-stained teeth, wearing a cap that no longer fit and a shirt that probably had never fit to begin with. He was piling wood beside the road. She said nothing. He looked up. His eyes widened as if he’d seen a ghost. “You’re the owl girl,” he said, and she flinched. She nodded. He tilted his head and squinted like he was trying to see her properly for the first time. “They said you ate squirrels raw. That your eyes glowed at night.” He said it like he half believed it, half hoped it. “I listened,” she said. Her voice startled even her. It cracked like thawing ice. He blinked. “What?” She stepped forward. “That’s all. I listened.” He opened his mouth to ask more, but she kept walking. She wasn’t ready to be examined like a relic. Not yet. But the words had been spoken, and something inside her loosened—a knot that had waited too long to unravel. She stayed at the edge of the village that winter, in a shack that had once housed bees and now housed drafty air and ghosts of honey. She fixed it up with twine, bone, bark, and a rhythm that echoed in her spine. People brought her things, mostly in silence: scraps of bread, tattered coats, herbs. No one asked for payment. They just… left them. And she took them. It was a barter of presence. She understood that. Children were the first to draw close. They asked about the owl. She didn’t give them fairy tales. She told them the truth—that he had been quiet and old and soft, and that he had once watched her weep for three straight days without flinching. That sometimes love doesn’t look like comfort. It looks like staying. They didn’t always understand, but they listened, wide-eyed, as if her voice contained something worth keeping. Then came the mothers. Women with bruises that weren’t visible. Women who were tired of their own echoing kitchens. They came under the guise of “just walking by,” and left with tears that surprised them. They brought jars of soup, hand-stitched gloves, dried lavender. One gave her an old book of bird calls. Another, an owl feather she found lodged in her doorframe. Each gift was less about generosity and more about recognition. They didn’t call her witch anymore. They called her “the feather girl” or “the owl’s widow.” Names softened by grief and myth. Spring arrived with a violence that made her ache. Buds burst open like secrets too long held. The air smelled like apology. She planted seeds outside the shack. Not because she needed food, but because she missed watching something grow. One day, a stranger arrived—older, heavy with years and woodsmoke. His name was Tam. He had been a carpenter, once. Now he whittled things he didn’t need, just to remember what it felt like to make something from nothing. He asked if he could fix her door hinge. She nodded. He came back the next day and replaced the entire frame. They didn’t speak much, but there was comfort in his presence. He reminded her of the owl—not in appearance, but in wayness. He took up space gently. It was Tam who finally asked, “Did you love him?” She blinked. “The owl?” He smiled like he already knew the answer. “Yes.” She looked down at her hands. They were covered in dirt and pine resin and tiny scars from sharp seeds. “Yes,” she said. “But not the way people love people. He was… the first place I ever felt known.” Tam nodded. “That counts.” She stared at him, then did something she hadn’t done in years. She touched his shoulder. “You listen, too.” He looked away. “I used to talk too much. Now I know better.” That night, she sat outside and stared at the moon, and for the first time in a long while, didn’t feel like something vital was missing. The owl was gone. But the listening? That remained. In Tam. In the children. In the broken women who brought her nettle tea and sobbed without asking for permission. She realized then that what the owl had taught her wasn’t just how to be still. It was how to be present. To witness. And sometimes, witnessing was the greatest gift you could offer. Sometimes, it was enough to save a life. The wind rustled the trees that night in a way that almost sounded like wings. She didn’t look up. She simply said, “Thank you.” And went to sleep for the first time without dreaming of his weight on her wrist. The Ones Who Stayed Quiet Years passed, as years do—stealthily, like foxes in fog. The forest did not reclaim her, though it waited patiently at her back. It sent birds to visit. It sent strange mushrooms in spring. But she had rooted herself in something new—not people, not walls, but witnessing. The small act of noticing had become her ministry. And eventually, others came who needed to be noticed too. They didn’t arrive with fanfare. They never do. A man who hadn’t spoken since the war showed up one day with cracked boots and eyes that refused to settle. A girl who trembled if someone touched her sleeves brought berries in a paper pouch. A mother whose hands shook so badly she could no longer sew brought only her silence—and it was enough. The girl—now a woman, though no calendar had told her when the shift occurred—opened her space to them. Not like a priestess. Not like a healer. Simply like someone who had once sat in the cold long enough to appreciate company that didn’t ask too many questions. They built benches together from old fence posts. They grew herbs that didn’t sell in markets but were good for heartbreak, digestion, and memory. They learned to leave space in conversations for breath, for fear, for stories that had no tidy arc. They did not call it therapy. They called it “sitting.” Sometimes, “watching the wind.” Each night, she lit a candle in her window. Not to summon, but to say, “Someone is still here.” Some nights, no one came. Some nights, someone did. A widow who’d never remarried. A shepherd boy who saw ghosts. A woodcutter who couldn’t read but who carved owls from every fallen branch. She never taught them how to speak. She taught them how to listen. And slowly, in the rhythm of moss and moonlight, they learned to listen to themselves again. It was not fast work. Healing never is. It is not a firework but a candle—a slow burn that flickers, falters, and refuses to be rushed. One day, she found herself teaching a child how to sit still. The child had too many questions and even more twitches. She didn’t silence them. She simply sat beside them and spoke the owl’s name—the one she had never spoken before. “Kess,” she said softly, like a prayer, like an offering. The child paused. “What’s that mean?” She smiled. “Everything I didn’t say. Everything he already knew.” The child blinked, uncertain. But they didn’t ask again. They listened. And the woman knew then that the owl’s work—their work—was not done. It had only changed shape. Grown legs. Learned to walk on new soil. Years later, long after her hair silvered and her fingers bent like tree roots, she sat again beneath the tree she had once named “Mother.” It had grown hollow at the base, but strong above. A perfect metaphor, she thought. You can lose your core and still keep reaching for light. The villagers still whispered about her, but now with reverence. “She’s the one who listens,” they said. “Go to her if the noise gets too loud.” Her name was etched in no book. No altar bore her likeness. But in the hush between wind and water, in the eyes of quiet people who had once felt broken—she was known. One autumn, when the leaves fell faster than she could count them, she woke up and knew it was time. Not of death. But of return. She left a note. Not in ink, but in stones along the path. A line of feathers on the doorstep. A single candle flickering in daylight. The signs were enough. They found her coat folded on the bench. Her boots neatly side by side. Her walking stick rested against the tree as if waiting for someone else to need it. But she? She was gone. No struggle. No storm. Just absence—the kind that feels more like presence turned sideways. And though no one saw them, those who knew how to look swore they caught sight of a tawny owl circling high above the trees. Not flying alone. Some souls find their way back home not by noise, but by stillness. And the forest listened.     Take Her Story Home If the stillness of her journey touched your heart, you can carry a piece of it with you. We've transformed The Girl Who Listened to Owls into a collection of beautiful, high-quality products that honor the quiet strength of her story. Let the tale continue in your space — whether on your wall, in your hands, or wrapped gently around your shoulders. ✨ Acrylic Print – A striking, luminous display of the image in rich detail 🌲 Wood Print – For a natural, rustic finish as timeless as the tale 🧩 Jigsaw Puzzle – Piece together her journey, one quiet moment at a time 🦉 Fleece Blanket – Wrap yourself in warmth, story, and serenity All available now at shop.unfocussed.com.

by Bill Tiepelman

Garden of Devotion

In a tiny, vine-wrapped village just past the last mushroom on the left, nestled somewhere between “What the heck was that?” and “Did that bush just wink at me?”, lived a rather suspiciously adorable pair of gnomes. Barnaby and Glimmer. If their names sound like the start of a children’s fable, I assure you—this is not that. These two were infamous for turning fairy-ring brunches into bottomless mimosa brawls and once got banned from the local pixie spa for "inappropriate glitter usage." But even still, they were madly, magically, annoyingly in love. Now, Glimmer had eyes like blueberry moonshine and a knack for growing flowers that made other gnomes weep softly into their compost piles. Barnaby, on the other hand, had a beard so magnificent it had its own zip code and the kind of smirk that could stir up trouble in a monastery. He wore his pointy red hat tilted just far enough to suggest he might know where the bodies were buried. (Spoiler: it was just a mole infestation. Probably.) Every evening, like clockwork, they’d waddle through the garden, hand in hand, to “their bench.” Not the one by the radishes (too damp). Not the one near the troll hedge (don’t ask). The one surrounded by heart-shaped lanterns, flanked by suspiciously symmetrical toadstools, and often covered in suspiciously non-native flower petals. They swore they didn’t stage it for aesthetic. (They absolutely did.) On this particular evening, Glimmer wore a sapphire-blue dress with enough lace to suffocate a fairy. Her hat brim overflowed with fresh peonies, dahlias, and one fake flower she snuck in just to mess with Barnaby. He hadn’t noticed yet. His hat, meanwhile, had been upgraded with climbing vines that spelled “Sexy Beast” if you tilted your head just right and squinted. Love was in full bloom, and so were their egos. “You know,” Barnaby murmured as they plopped down on the bench, “one day we’ll be legends. Gnomekind will sing ballads about how stunningly attractive and humble we were.” “Mmm,” Glimmer purred, resting her hand in his. “Especially the humble part.” “That’s the spirit,” he grinned. “They’ll say, ‘Ah yes, Barnaby the Bold, Glimmer the Glorious—those two caused more scandal than a squirrel in a sunflower patch.’” Glimmer chuckled, nudging him with her knee. “Only because you insisted on that skinny-dipping incident in the birdbath. We’re still banned from the finch sanctuary.” “Totally worth it,” Barnaby whispered, kissing her hand with the exaggerated flair of someone who had clearly practiced in front of a mirror. “Shall we cause a little more mischief tonight, my petal of chaos?” “Oh, absolutely,” Glimmer whispered back. “But first, let’s sit here and look devastatingly in love while the fireflies get ideas.” And so they did, two fabulously overdressed garden delinquents, bathed in the warm glow of devotion and mild narcissism, plotting whatever mayhem came next with a twinkle in their eyes and matching socks. (A first, by the way. She finally labeled his drawer.) The Gnome with the Golden Pants The very next morning, the peaceful hush of the Garden of Devotion was shattered by an unholy sound: Barnaby attempting interpretive dance to the squeaky rhythms of Glimmer’s enchanted wind chimes. Wearing what he claimed were “ceremonial yoga britches,” but were clearly gold lamé leggings three sizes too tight, he wiggled, gyrated, and nearly pulled a hamstring beneath the weeping willow. “I am channeling ancient earth spirits,” he gasped, mid-pelvic-thrust. “You’re channeling a lawsuit,” Glimmer replied flatly, sipping dewberry tea and pretending not to enjoy the show. But she was. Oh, she was. Later that day, Glimmer received a visit from her best friend, Prunella—an aggressively blunt garden witch whose opinions were as sharp as her pruning shears. “Darling,” Prunella said, eyeing Barnaby’s glitter-infused beard from across the yard. “Is he... moulting? Or just molting all over your hydrangeas on purpose?” “It’s performance art,” Glimmer deadpanned. “He’s in his expressive phase.” “Mmm. Yes. Very expressive. I think your begonias just filed a restraining order.” The three of them ended up sitting beneath the Heart Lantern Tree, the same one Barnaby proposed under during a meteor shower that turned out to be an exploding gnome-made cheese wheel experiment gone wrong. Glimmer remembered that night well—mostly the flaming ricotta falling from the sky, and Barnaby declaring it “a sign from the Dairy Gods.” “So,” Prunella said, glancing between them, “you two are still disgusting and in love, I assume?” “Inexplicably,” Barnaby confirmed, licking sugar from his fingers. “We’ve decided to renew our vows.” Glimmer blinked. “We have?” “Yes,” Barnaby said proudly. “Right here in the garden. At sunset. With live music and possibly a fire juggler who owes me a favor from that time with the caterpillar circus.” “You made that up just now,” Glimmer said. “Did I? Or is it fate?” “It’s indigestion, dear.” Still, she found herself charmed. Again. Despite the gold pants. Despite the unrequested vow renewal. Despite the fact he still alphabetized the spice shelf by color, not name, because “cinnamon should feel special.” The planning began immediately. Invitations were scribbled on pressed lily pads. Lanterns were polished until the toads could see their reflections and questioned their life choices. Even the garden bats were recruited to carry mini scrolls, which backfired when half of them ate the paper and fell asleep upside down on Glimmer’s hat rack. Prunella volunteered to officiate (“I’ve got a robe and unresolved rage—I’m qualified”), while the fairy triplets down the lane, known collectively as The Dandelion Debs, offered to sing backup. The trouble came when Barnaby insisted on writing his vows in haiku. Which would have been fine if he didn’t also demand they be whispered dramatically by a wind spirit mid-ceremony. “You want me to summon a literal elemental for your poetic vibes?” Glimmer asked, raising an eyebrow. “Only if it’s not too much trouble,” he said, holding out a single wildflower like a peace offering. “I’ll do the dishes for a week.” “A month. And you reorganize the sock drawer you turned into a snack cavern.” “Done.” As sunset approached, the garden was glowing—soft pinks and oranges filtering through every leafy crevice, fireflies doing a coordinated light show (probably bribed), and the scent of sugared petals heavy in the air. Glimmer walked down the mushroom aisle barefoot, her hair filled with blossoms, her dress catching the breeze like a silk spell. Barnaby waited in his best vest, looking like a cross between a Victorian flirt and a sentient candy apple. His beard had been brushed to shocking perfection, and someone had even woven in tiny twinkling lights. Probably his doing. Probably glitter again. Prunella cleared her throat. “We gather in this extremely chaotic and overly fragrant garden to witness the ongoing saga of Glimmer and Barnaby—two beings so tragically codependent and ferociously in love that the universe simply gave up and started rooting for them.” “I vow,” Barnaby began, “to always share my last raspberry, even if you say you’re not hungry, and then immediately eat the entire thing. I vow to dance like nobody’s judging, even when you very much are. And I vow to annoy you forever, on purpose, because it makes you smile when you pretend it doesn’t.” Glimmer laughed and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “I vow to let you think your ‘gnome yoga’ counts as cardio. I vow to never tell anyone that you cried during that squirrel documentary. And I vow to grow with you, wildly, stupidly, beautifully, in this garden and every ridiculous mess we make together.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the garden—mostly because the pollen count was obnoxious, but also because something about those two brought out the softest parts of everyone, even the mossy crank that lived behind the snail pond. They kissed beneath the glowing heart lanterns, surrounded by laughter, petals, and one faint explosion in the background from an unsupervised firework gnome who misread the schedule. But nothing could ruin it. Not even Prunella accidentally summoning a wind elemental that knocked over the champagne tower and whispered something deeply inappropriate in Glimmer’s ear. (She never told Barnaby what it said, but she smiled wickedly for days.) Moss, Mischief, and Matrimonial Mayhem Three days after the “unofficially official, partially elemental” vow renewal, Barnaby and Glimmer woke up to find their garden on the front page of The Gnomestead Gazette. Well, technically it was page two—the front page was reserved for a scandal involving a rogue hedgehog and a honey-smuggling ring—but there they were: full-color, mid-kiss, mid-lantern glow, mid-magic-chaos. The caption read: “GNOMANCE BLOOMS IN UNICORN-DUNG COMPOST DISTRICT.” Glimmer snorted orange juice through her nose. “At least they got my good side.” Barnaby beamed. “And they used the shot where my beard looks like a windswept prophecy. Glorious.” The coverage, unfortunately, brought attention. The kind of attention that involves gawking garden tourists, nosy neighbor gnomes with clipboards, and three separate suitors who showed up in monocles asking Glimmer if she’d “like to upgrade.” One brought a swan. A real swan. It bit him and pooped on his hat. Glimmer named the swan Terrence and kept him as emotional support chaos. Meanwhile, Barnaby found himself the sudden object of adoration for a cult of aspiring beard disciples who pitched tents near the rose patch and began meditating on ‘the Path of the Follicle.’ One carved a bust of Barnaby entirely out of artisanal soap. It smelled like lavender and delusions. “This is getting out of hand,” Glimmer said one afternoon as two mushroom influencers livestreamed themselves doing interpretive dance in front of the begonias. “They’re tagging us in their rituals, Barns.” “Maybe we should monetize?” he offered, only half-joking. “One more mushroom dances into my tea zone and I’m starting a war.” But it wasn’t just the fans. It was the garden itself. You see, in their reckless display of affection and fairy-light-laced pageantry, Glimmer and Barnaby had accidentally awakened something old. Something leafy. Something ornery. The Mossfather. A semi-sentient, ultra-mature patch of moss tucked deep in the forgotten corner of the garden—under the abandoned birdbath, between the two gnarled roots shaped like Elvis. It had slumbered for decades, absorbing stray whispers, stolen kisses, and one particularly juicy argument about whose turn it was to pick up gnome groceries. But now, roused by fireworks, emotional vows, and a wind elemental with a flair for theatrics, it had Awakened. And it was...moody. At first, the signs were subtle. Leaves twitching when no one watched. Unusual amounts of glitter found in bird nests. Mysteriously shuffled topiary sculptures forming vaguely passive-aggressive shapes. (“Is that a middle finger?” “No, dear. It’s a tulip. With opinions.”) Then came the dreams. Barnaby began sleep-mumbling in moss dialect. Glimmer kept waking up with her hat full of lichen and strange, vaguely threatening sonnets scrawled in compost ink beside the bed. Prunella, naturally, was delighted. “You’ve awakened an ancient sentience,” she said gleefully. “Do you know how rare that is? He’s like the cantankerous grandpa of the land. Grumpy, green, and full of emotional rot.” “Is that admiration?” Glimmer asked, pouring wine. “Oh yes. I’d shag it if I wasn’t allergic.” To appease the Mossfather, they organized a festival. (Because naturally, throwing an even bigger party was the only logical choice.) They called it the “Lichen & Love Gala.” Guests were encouraged to wear moss formalwear—robes, leafy corsets, dandelion bowties. Barnaby wore a cape made entirely of creeping thyme and smugness. Glimmer had a dress spun from spider silk and dandelion fluff that shimmered when she cursed under her breath. Entertainment was provided by a band of jazz gnomes, one extremely offended satyr who thought this was a masquerade orgy (it was not), and Terrence the Swan, who now had a fanbase of his own and absolutely knew it. He wore a monocle. No one knew where he got it. Near midnight, a hush fell over the garden. The Mossfather appeared—not walking, not gliding, but simply...being. An ancient green patch of fuzz the size of a small loveseat, pulsing with magic and judgment. He regarded them all with eldritch disappointment. “WHO DISTURBS MY SULK?” his voice boomed. Flowers wilted. Tea curdled. Prunella swooned. “Uh, hi?” Barnaby offered. “We brought snacks?” There was silence. A long, mossy silence. Then... the Mossfather nodded. “SNACKS... ACCEPTABLE.” The party resumed. More wine flowed. Prunella flirted shamelessly with the storm sprite working crowd control. Glimmer and Barnaby danced beneath the lanterns again, spinning through light and laughter, surrounded by chaos, beauty, and the utterly deranged family of misfits they had somehow assembled. Later that night, as they collapsed back onto their favorite bench, Barnaby sighed contentedly. “You know, I think this might be the weirdest thing we’ve ever done.” “Mmm,” Glimmer said, curling into his side. “You say that every time. But yes. Yes, it is.” “You think we’ll ever settle down? Live a quiet life? Garden. Nap. Bake things that don’t explode?” “No,” Glimmer said. “We’re terrible at normal. But we’re excellent at spectacularly odd.” “True. And spectacularly in love.” She smiled. “Don’t get mushy on me now.” “Too late. It’s the moss.” And beneath the twilight glow of heart-shaped lights and dancing fireflies, they kissed once more. Their garden pulsed with magic, mischief, and devotion that could melt the iciest root-witch. The Mossfather purred. Terrence the Swan bit someone in the distance. And the night bloomed on, forever strange and perfectly theirs.     Bring a little Garden of Devotion into your own world... If this story left your heart a little warmer and your cheeks a little more sore from smiling, you’re not alone. Glimmer and Barnaby’s perfectly peculiar romance has a way of lingering like the scent of honeysuckle and scandal. Now, you can keep that whimsy blooming wherever you are. From glowing love-lit scenes to gnome-level sass and enchantment, Garden of Devotion is available as a framed print for your gallery wall, a cozy fleece blanket to snuggle under during mischief plotting, or even a throw pillow that politely encourages your guests to be just a little weirder. There’s also a full tapestry edition if your space needs a dramatic garden flair—and yes, there’s a puzzle too, for those who want to piece the magic together one mischievous corner at a time. Framed Print | Tapestry | Jigsaw Puzzle | Throw Pillow | Fleece Blanket Celebrate the love that grows wild and the laughter that echoes through magic gardens. And remember—every good garden needs a little chaos, a lot of heart, and maybe just one slightly judgmental moss patch.

by Bill Tiepelman

Pale Messenger of the Void

There are names not spoken aloud in the village of Vareth’s Hollow—names so old they cannot be traced in any written tongue, only whispered beneath breath and buried under stones. Names like Keth-Avûn, the Void Binder. Names like Eslarei, the Feathered Curse. The last one was muttered only once in the living memory of any soul who dared remain in that place—on the night the white raven returned. The pedestal still stood on the hill, worn by rain and lichen but never crumbling, though none could remember who carved it. At its base, the runes had long since lost meaning to the common folk, etched deep in a language that fed on silence and blood. And on the winter solstice, when the moon hung lowest and the wind carried the smell of burnt marrow, the raven came back—its feathers bone-white, save for the glistening red streaks that seemed to weep from its own body. Eril Dane, the apothecary's orphaned son, had never believed the stories. A pragmatist raised on tinctures and the bitter bark of reason, he scoffed at tales of "void messengers" and "soul brands." But when the raven landed at dusk, painting the frozen air with the scent of iron and rot, he felt something shift in the marrow of his bones. It wasn’t just fear—it was recognition. His mother had vanished when he was eight, walking into the fog with a leather-bound book and a scar below her throat that he had never noticed before. That same sigil, the one etched behind the raven in ethereal red light, now burned in his memory—he had drawn it once, by instinct, into the dirt. The village priest struck him for it. The scar on Eril’s knuckles still flared in cold weather. That night, he climbed the hill. The white raven did not flee. Its eyes, black as cinder pits and rimmed with blood, regarded him like a judge too weary for mercy. Eril knelt. The sigil blazed behind the bird, painting him in spirals of ruinous light, and a voice—more thought than sound—pressed into his head: “One must remember before they can repent.” He fell into a dream deeper than sleep. There, he wandered a crumbling city of bone towers and red rivers, each building shaped like weeping faces. The raven followed him, now a creature of immense size and shadow, shedding drops of memory and blood alike. In the reflection of a blood-slick river, he saw himself—not as a boy, but as a man wearing robes stitched with runes and guilt. And the raven on his shoulder. When he awoke, hours had passed. The hill was empty. But carved freshly into the stone pedestal, beneath the old symbols, was one new word: Eril. The village would not understand. They would fear him. But he knew now—the raven had not returned for vengeance. It had come for an heir. Vareth’s Hollow did not ask questions. That was how the village survived. But as the days passed and the snows blackened with ash, they began to notice changes they could not ignore. Cattle were born with teeth. Wells whispered secrets when drawn at dusk. The children stopped dreaming—or worse, began to speak of the same dream: a tower of feathers and flame where a man in robes stood screaming, his mouth filled with birds. Eril Dane rarely left the apothecary cellar now. The once-sunny shop was shuttered, herbs wilting against the windowpanes. No one saw him eat. No one saw him age. What they did see—what terrified them more than they dared admit—was the raven. Always the raven. Perched on the crooked weather vane above the apothecary. Watching. Waiting. Growing. Its feathers were not so white anymore. They were beginning to smoke at the edges, feather-tips curling into shadow. And from its body, a soft red glow pulsed like a heartbeat. No one approached the hill again. Not after the dogs stopped barking, and not after the last priest walked into the woods barefoot, weeping, and did not come back. Eril wrote, always wrote. Pages and pages filled with symbols no one could decipher—scratched with clawed quills, stained with something darker than ink. He spoke with the raven, though no lips moved. And at night, his dreams cracked open like rotten eggs, spilling truths that smelled of burning stars and long-buried screams. He saw the first Binding, when the ancient ones flayed the sky and chained the Hunger between worlds. He saw the Feathered Seal, carved from the bones of extinct gods and offered in pact to keep the Void slumbering. He saw the betrayal. The arrogance. The forgetting. And he saw his mother… smiling, mouth stitched shut with sigils, eyes burned out by knowledge she’d swallowed whole. She had walked into the fog to feed the Binding. Her flesh, her memory, her name—offered freely, to keep the world stitched together for another generation. But she had failed. Something had shifted. A glyph misaligned. A promise broken. And the cost would now be paid in full… by her bloodline. The raven was not a messenger. It was a ledger. It had returned not to warn—but to collect. When Eril emerged, on the night of the black moon, he was not alone. His shadow was wrong—too tall, shaped like feathers in a storm, rippling as if caught in an eternal wind. His eyes glowed faintly red, not from within, but as though something behind them was peering out. Watching. Judging. The villagers gathered at a distance, compelled by fear, by awe, by the weight of something ending. He did not speak. He lifted his hand, and the raven spread its wings. From the pedestal behind them, the sigil flared once more—this time not in light, but in absence. A perfect hole in reality. A wound that would never heal. The air wept blood. The trees bowed as though in mourning. And one by one, the names of every soul who had ever whispered Eslarei’s name echoed into the hollow… and vanished. Erased. Devoured. Eril Dane became more than a man that night. He became the last sigil. The Living Bind. The One Who Remembers. His name would never again be spoken in Vareth’s Hollow, because the village no longer existed. The map burned itself clean. The roads rerouted. The stars refused to align above its former resting place. But in certain forbidden grimoires—pages written in feather-blood and sealed with breathless wax—there is still mention of a pale bird that heralds the Void. A raven, crowned in runes, that lands only once every thousand years upon the stone where memory dies. And when it does, it does not come for prophecy. It comes to feed.     Epilogue Centuries passed. The world turned, forgetful as ever. Forests reclaimed the land. Dust buried truth. And still, the pedestal remained—unbroken, untouched, unseen. They called it the "Blind Stone" in the new maps, though none who passed it could remember why they avoided it, only that their hearts grew heavier the closer they came. Even satellite imagery blurred, as if something ancient reached through code and lens alike to keep itself sacred, veiled. Yet every so often, a white bird is spotted by travelers—solitary, silent, watching from a twisted tree or a crumbled stone, feathers too pale for nature, eyes too dark for peace. It does not fly. It simply waits. And for those few who dare sketch its form, or speak its sighting aloud, strange dreams follow. Dreams of towers made of mouths, of a man with a bleeding crown, of a name scratched in ash into the inside of their eyelids. Sometimes they wake with feathers in their hands. Sometimes, they don't wake at all. And in one forgotten corner of the world, where no birds sing and the wind moans in old tongues, the pedestal's runes flicker faintly—like a heartbeat beneath stone. A single word still burns upon it: “Eril.”     If this story lingers in your bones and whispers through your dreams, you can now bring the legend home. Let the raven watch over your space, ward your rest, or shadow your thoughts with these evocative merchandise pieces. Drape your walls in the myth with a rune-bound tapestry, or summon the void’s elegance with a metal print worthy of arcane reverence. Sink into haunting comfort with a plush throw pillow, or let forgotten lore guard your dreams beneath a duvet cover woven with whispers. And if you wander, carry its omen with you in a tote bag etched in shadow.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Keeper of My Love

The Lock, the Key, and the Gnome Who Knew Too Much The wedding was at exactly 4:04 PM. Because gnomes are not known for being punctual, but they are known for symmetry. And according to the elders, nothing locks love in place like a pair of mirrored numbers. So 4:04 it was, in a glade so dripping with blossoms and fairy perfume that even the mushrooms were a bit tipsy. She stood there in lace and defiance—Lunella Fernwhistle, third daughter of the Fernwhistle clan, known across the gardens for her spellbinding florals and her tendency to spike the compost punch. Her hair was a tempest of silver ringlets, wrapped in a crown of fresh-cut gardenia and chaos. Her bouquet? Hand-forged from freshly liberated blooms and whatever hadn’t been eaten by snails that morning. She smelled like honeysuckle, mystery, and maybe a dash of moonshine. On purpose. And he? Well. Bolliver Thatchroot was the most unlikely catch in all the grove. Not because he wasn’t handsome—in a rotund, knobby-kneed sort of way—but because Bolliver had once been a confirmed bachelor with a key to everything: the pantry, the wine cellar, the council’s emergency beer cache, even old Ma Muddlefoot’s diary vault (don’t ask). If it locked, Bolliver had opened it. And if it didn’t lock, he fixed that immediately. He was a locksmith, a trickster, and a soft-touch all rolled into one biscuit-loving bundle of beard and plaid. But on this day, in this moment, Bolliver held just one key—slightly oversized, unmistakably symbolic—and wrapped his tiny fingers around it like it was the most fragile, precious thing he’d ever known. It swung from a silver ring at his belt, catching the filtered sunlight as he leaned in to meet Lunella’s lips with a kiss so gentle, the bees blushed and the squirrels politely looked away. The crowd sighed. Somewhere, a flute player missed a note. A petal fell in slow motion. And the officiant, a cranky but beloved toad named Sir Splotsworth, wiped a tear from his warted cheek and croaked, “Get on with it, lovebirds. Some of us have tadpoles to get home to.” But Lunella didn’t hear him. She only heard the beat of her own heart, the rustle of wind through the foxgloves, and the little squeaky “eep!” that Bolliver always made when he was about to do something bold. And sure enough, bold he was. The kiss, though brief, came with a whisper. “This key? It’s not just for our cottage door,” he murmured. “It’s for you. All of you. Even the compost-wine parts.” Lunella smiled. “Then you’d best be ready for a lifetime of weird fermentations and midnight barefoot gardening, my love.” The petals rained down like applause. The crowd erupted in claps and root-stomps. Bolliver gave a dramatic bow, then accidentally dropped the keyring into the punch bowl. It fizzed. It glowed. A small explosion might have followed. No one cared. The kiss had been perfect. The bride was glowing. And the groom—well, he still smelled vaguely of rust and raspberries, which Lunella found alarmingly arousing. The wedding may have ended, but the real mischief was only just beginning... The Cottage, the Curses, and the Unexpected Furniture Arrangement The cottage was a hand-me-down from Bolliver’s great-aunt Twibbin, who had allegedly once dated a hedgehog. It sat at the bend of Sweetroot Creek, just out of earshot from the local knitting circle (which doubled as the town’s rumor mill), and was covered in climbing ivy, expired wind chimes, and one surprisingly opinionated weather vane shaped like a goose. It squawked “rain” every day, regardless of the forecast. Bolliver carried Lunella over the threshold, as was tradition, but misjudged the height of the doorframe and bonked both their heads in the process. They laughed, rubbing their foreheads while stepping inside to a scene of charming chaos: toadstool chairs, an armchair that burped when sat on, and a chandelier made entirely of melted teaspoons and stubborn pixie spit. Lunella wrinkled her nose and immediately opened every window. “Smells like three decades of bachelor stew and bad decisions in here.” “That’s how you know it’s home,” Bolliver beamed, already unlocking the cabinets with his master key. Inside: two jars of pickled turnips (labelled “emergency snack – 1998”), one mothball masquerading as a cinnamon bun, and something that might have once been cheese but now had its own legs. Lunella sighed. “We’re going to have to bless this entire space with sage. Possibly fire.” But before the decontamination began, she noticed something peculiar. Bolliver’s keyring—now free of punch bowl fizz—was glowing softly. Not aggressively. More like a friendly hum. A hum that said, *“Hey, I open weird stuff. Wanna find out what?”* “Why is your key doing that?” she asked, her fingers brushing the metal. Warm. Tingly. Slightly arousing. Bolliver blinked. “Oh. That. Might be the honeymoon key.” “The what now?” “It’s an ancient Thatchroot family heirloom. Legend says if you use it on the right door, it opens a secret chamber of marital delight. Full of silken pillows, romantic lighting, and... adjustable furniture.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “But we haven’t found the door yet.” Challenge. Accepted. Over the next three hours, Lunella and Bolliver ran amok through the cottage, testing every nook and cranny. Behind the armoire? Nope. Under the rug? Just dust and a worm that glared at them like they'd interrupted something intimate. The fireplace? Not unless “hot soot shower” was a turn-on. Even the outhouse got tested—though that led to a mild plumbing incident and one deeply confused raccoon. Finally, they stood before the last untouched place: the closet in the attic. Ancient, slightly warped, and oozing the scent of cedar and suspicion. The key vibrated in Bolliver’s hand like a giddy puppy. Lunella, undeterred, yanked the door open with a flourish— And vanished. “LUNELLA?!” Bolliver shouted, diving in after her. The door slammed. The goose-shaped weather vane outside screamed “RAIN!” and the wind laughed like a gossiping banshee. They tumbled not into a storage space, but into a full-blown enchanted chamber of sensual nonsense. The lighting was dim and flattering. Music—somehow a cross between harps and slow banjo—drifted through the air. Heart-shaped lanterns floated lazily overhead. And the furniture? Oh, the furniture. Plush, velvety, covered in vaguely romantic embroidery like “Kiss Me Again” and “Nice Beard.” One chair had a cupholder and a suggestive glint in its carving. Another reclined with a dramatic sigh and released a chocolate truffle from its drawer. Lunella sat, testing the bounce of a particularly provocative settee. “Okay. I admit. This is... impressive.” Bolliver slid beside her, the key now glowing like a smug candle. “Told you. The Keeper of My Love doesn’t just hold doors. He opens experiences.” She rolled her eyes so hard they nearly left orbit. “Please tell me you didn’t rehearse that.” “A little.” He leaned in. “But mostly I just knew that someday, somewhere, I’d find the one who fit the lock.” “You sappy bastard,” Lunella whispered, before tackling him into the velvet. The room sealed itself gently. The lanterns dimmed. Outside, the weather vane honked in celebration. Somewhere, far off, the town’s knitting circle paused mid-gossip, all of them suddenly sensing that something saucy was unfolding in the Thatchroot attic. And they were right. But that’s not where the story ends. Oh no. Because while Bolliver was very good at unlocking doors, it turns out Lunella had some secrets of her own—and not all of them were the “sugar and spice” kind. Let’s just say the honeymoon suite wouldn’t stay private for long... Secrets, Scandals, and the Great Gnome Glare-Off The next morning, Lunella awoke in a tangle of velvet and limbs and a cushion embroidered with “Thatchroot It to Me.” She blinked. The enchanted suite was still purring contentedly around her. Bolliver snored beside her like a gentle foghorn, one hand still wrapped protectively around his jangly keyring, the other flopped across her bare hip like he was claiming territory. Which, to be fair, he kind of was. She smiled, mussed his beard just to make him grumble in his sleep, and quietly rose to investigate. The door behind them had vanished. Again. Typical honeymoon suite behavior. But what concerned her wasn’t the disappearing door — it was the faint sound of voices... and the smell of scones. Voices. Plural. Scones. Unmistakable. She scrambled into her dressing robe (which was apparently made of hummingbird feathers and light sarcasm) and tiptoed down the enchanted stairwell that had appeared where a broom closet used to be. As she opened the final door, she was greeted with the last thing any newlywed wants to see the day after magical lovemaking: The entire Fernwhistle-Figpocket neighborhood standing in her kitchen. And every one of them holding a baked good. “Surprise!” they chorused. A pie crust flung itself across the room in excitement. “Wha—how—why—” Lunella stammered. “Well,” said Mrs. Wimpletush, a high-ranking gossip general and the only known gnome with glitter allergies, “we smelled the honeymoon.” “The what?” “Dear, you activated the chamber of marital delight. That thing hasn’t been opened since 1743. There was a newsletter about it. It's basically gnome legend.” She adjusted her spectacles. “And, well, the scent markers go off like fireworks. Made my begonias blush.” Lunella groaned. “So you broke into our home?” “We brought muffins!” Before she could retort, Bolliver appeared at the top of the stairwell, gloriously rumpled, wearing only his plaid trousers and confidence. “Ah,” he said. “It appears my reputation has once again preceded me.” He strutted down the stairs with the air of a man who’d seen some things and enjoyed every last one of them. The crowd parted respectfully. Even the goose-shaped weather vane outside briefly nodded. Mrs. Wimpletush sniffed. “So. The rumors are true. The key has returned.” “The key’s been busy,” Lunella muttered, yanking a muffin from someone’s tray and eating it spitefully. But the muffins were just the beginning. Over the next few days, the cottage became the talk of the township. Visitors came by under the guise of bringing “blessing stones” and “carrot jam,” but mostly they wanted a peek at the newlyweds and their infamous love chamber. Lunella didn’t mind the attention — she thrived on spectacle — but she drew the line when two nosy spinster gnomes from Upper Fernclump tried to bribe Bolliver for a tour. “Absolutely not,” Lunella snapped, barring the door with a shovel. “This is our magical sex attic. Not a garden attraction.” Bolliver, for once, looked sheepish. “They offered twenty gold acorns.” “You can’t sell our honeymoon suite experience!” “But what if I offer upgrades?” Lunella slapped him with a lavender sachet and stormed into the garden. Things were tense for a few hours. He brought her apology scones. She responded with passive-aggressive weeding. Eventually, he left a note attached to the key: I only want to open doors if you’re behind them. Sorry. Also, I waxed the spoon chandelier. That thing was a nightmare. She forgave him. Mostly because no one waxed cursed cutlery like Bolliver. Weeks passed. The gossip waned. Mrs. Wimpletush got distracted by a new scandal involving someone’s dragon-sized zucchini. The honeymoon chamber returned to hibernation. The furniture settled into occasional moaning and dramatic sighs, as furniture does. The key, now worn smooth from adventures, lived in a place of honor beside the teacups and the misbehaving teapot that wouldn’t stop singing sea shanties. Lunella and Bolliver settled into marriage like they did everything else: with sass, sweetness, and a hint of chaos. They danced barefoot in moonlit gardens. They brewed mushroom wine with suspicious side effects. They hosted parties where furniture gave unsolicited relationship advice. And once, they even let the goose weather vane officiate a vow renewal ceremony for two snails. It was beautiful. Wet, but beautiful. And every night, just before bed, Bolliver would jangle the keyring and wink. “Still the keeper of my love,” he’d say. “Damn right you are,” Lunella would smirk, dragging him upstairs by the belt loop. And so they lived happily, mischievously, romantically, and thoroughly ever after—reminding everyone in Fernwhistle-Figpocket that love doesn’t just unlock doors… it also occasionally explodes punch bowls, breaks magical thresholds, and smells just a little like burnt sage and sin.     Bring a little mischief and magic home… If Bolliver and Lunella’s love story made you laugh, swoon, or seriously reconsider the romantic potential of attic furniture — don’t let the magic stop here. You can capture their enchanted moment in your own realm with a canvas print that glows with whimsical romance, or wrap yourself up in their mischief with a soft and vibrant tapestry worthy of the honeymoon suite itself. For cozy cuddles, there’s the charming throw pillow, or spread a little gnome-ance far and wide with an adorable greeting card — perfect for weddings, anniversaries, or mildly inappropriate love notes. And if you’re feeling bold (or mildly chaotic), test your patience and devotion with a magical puzzle featuring the duo’s dreamy kiss and keyring of destiny. Whether you're team velvet-furniture or team sarcastic goose weather vane, there's a little something for everyone in this collection. Because let’s be honest — love like this deserves a place on your wall, your couch, and your coffee table.

by Bill Tiepelman

Queen of the Forsaken Soil

The Screaming Soil The land was wrong. Not just haunted, not just cursed. It screamed. Beneath the brittle roots of leafless trees, under stones older than kings, deep in the marrow of the earth — the soil itself whispered names. Names no one should know. It begged. It threatened. It told filthy stories that’d peel the teeth from your skull if you listened too long. That’s why no one came here willingly. Except for bastard lunatics. And Pym. Pym was a rat-catcher, formally. Informally, he was a drunk, a gravedigger’s assistant, a mediocre pickpocket, and an ex-squire who once farted during a bishop’s funeral mass and had never recovered socially. Life hadn’t handed Pym much in the way of dignity. But he had nimble fingers and a talent for pretending he didn’t notice corpses moving. He’d been sent to the Forsaken Soil by a mistake. A cartographer’s one-eyed apprentice had miswritten “blessed woodlands” on a parchment that actually meant “do not enter unless you’re tired of your skin.” Pym, ever optimistic and three tankards deep, had taken the job for a silver half-drake and a warm handjob behind the alehouse. That was twelve hours ago. And now he stood ankle-deep in muck that bled when you stepped wrong, staring at what was unmistakably a throne of skulls, and a woman — if you could call that towering hell-beast a woman — perched on it like a spider in mourning. The sky was dead gray. The trees had no leaves. The wind sounded like it sobbed through broken flutes. And the queen... She wore the darkness like a perfume. Her horns curled like old knives. Her red skin gleamed like lacquered sin. A black raven perched on her arm, pecking at a silver chain wound tight around her wrist. She snarled with the kind of authority that didn’t ask for your attention, it seized it by the throat, bit down, and whispered “mine.” “Well,” Pym muttered, already regretting everything from his childhood onward, “looks like I’ve stumbled into a royal arse-whooping.” The Queen rose. Slowly. Deliberately. As if gravity was her plaything. Her eyes, bright with fury and ancient boredom, locked on his. Her lips parted. And when she spoke, her voice cracked the air like frost cracking a tombstone. “You dare trespass,” she said, “with piss on your boots and hangover breath in your mouth?” Pym blinked. “Technically, milady, it's not my piss.” Silence. Even the raven tilted its head like it wasn’t sure whether to laugh or disembowel him. She stepped forward, the skulls beneath her throne crunching like dry cereal. “Then whose piss is it?” “...Would you believe me if I said divine intervention?” There are many ways to die in the Forsaken Soil. Slowly, screaming, clawing your own eyes out. Quickly, with your heart ripped through your back. But Pym, the idiot, did what no one in five hundred years had done: He made the Queen of the Forsaken Soil laugh. It wasn’t a pleasant sound. It was the kind of laugh that made your spleen try to leave your body through your spine. But it was a laugh. And when she was done, when her jagged grin had split her face nearly in half, she said, “Fine. I’ll give you a task.” Pym sighed. “Can it be fetching ale? I’m quite good at that.” “No,” she said. “I want you to find my heart.” “Not much for poetry, are you?” “I buried it six centuries ago in the belly of a demon. Find it, bring it to me, and I might let you leave with your genitals still attached.” Pym scratched his stubble. “Seems fair.” And with that, the Queen turned and vanished into mist. The raven stayed, watching him. Judging him. Probably considering whether he could survive on rat-catcher meat alone. “Well, bird,” Pym said, adjusting his crotch. “Looks like we’re going heart hunting.” The Demon’s Belly and the House that Hated Floors Pym had one rule in life, and it was: Don’t follow talking birds. Unfortunately, the Queen hadn’t exactly given him options. The raven squawked once, flapped its wings, and began drifting down a trail of gnarled, bone-colored trees that arched over like a vertebrae-choked tunnel. The soil beneath his feet pulsed occasionally, as if it was dreaming something ugly. Which it probably was. The whole landscape felt like the inside of a colon that belonged to a failed god. The raven didn’t talk. But it sure did judge. Every time Pym stumbled, it turned its head slowly like a disappointed librarian. Every time he muttered something sarcastic, it cawed just once — sharp and short, like it was filing his name under “Future Disembowelment.” After two hours of walking through fog so thick it made his teeth ache, Pym saw the demon. To be fair, the demon might’ve once been a castle. Or a mountain. Or a cathedral. Now it was all three, and none. It pulsed like a living organ, with windows for eyes and doors that opened and closed like mouths mid-scream. From its roof jutted towers shaped like broken fingers, and down its sides oozed viscous, dark ichor that smelled like regret, onions, and betrayal. “Queen really knows how to bury a heart,” Pym muttered. The entrance wasn’t guarded, unless you counted the wall of teeth that snapped shut every thirty seconds like a metronome for the damned. The raven landed on a crooked fencepost and cawed twice. Translation: Well, you going in or what, dickhead? Pym waited until the jaw-wall opened, dashed through, and immediately regretted everything. The inside of the demon’s belly was worse. The floors weren’t floors. They were slick, pulsing membranes that squelched under his boots. The halls shifted. Sometimes they were too narrow, other times they yawned open into cathedral-sized spaces with ceilings made of writhing worms. Portraits blinked. Doors screamed when you touched them. And worst of all, the building hated gravity. Halfway down one hallway, he fell up. He landed on the ceiling, only for it to turn into a staircase that folded inside itself like origami having a panic attack. He cursed. Loudly. The place responded with a wet belch and a wall that tried to lick him. “I’ve been in brothels cleaner than this,” he grunted. Eventually, he found the heart. Or what was left of it. It floated in a chamber the size of a cathedral nave, encased in glass, suspended in thick yellow-green fluid. It pulsed slowly, like it was remembering how to beat. Black veins curled through it, and arcane runes lit the air around it like angry fireflies. Surrounding the heart was a circle of iron obelisks, and kneeling at each was a creature that could best be described as "priest-shaped fungus with opinions." The raven landed beside him, somehow unfazed. Pym sighed. “Well. This is either the world’s creepiest baptism or a Monday in the Queen’s calendar.” He crept in, careful not to step on the writhing red roots that wormed out from the obelisks and into the walls. The moment he touched the glass, one of the kneeling things moaned and lifted its face. It had no eyes. No mouth. Just a lot of weeping holes and a very wet sound when it moved. “Ah. The welcoming committee.” Things escalated quickly. The fungus-priests rose, shaking off bits of sacred slime. They hissed. One reached for a curved knife made of screaming bone. Pym pulled a dagger from his belt — which, to be fair, was mostly ceremonial and mostly used to slice cheese — and launched himself into the dumbest fight of his life. He stabbed one in the kneecap. It squealed like a pig made of fungus and exploded into spores. Another lunged; Pym dodged and accidentally tripped on a root, landing face-first in something that definitely wasn’t carpet. He scrambled, slashed, bit, headbutted. Eventually, he stood panting, covered in goo, with three dead not-quite-monks around him, and the raven staring like it was reconsidering their entire partnership. “Don’t judge me,” he wheezed. “I was trained for rats, not demonic clergy.” He grabbed the heart. The runes screamed. The tower trembled. Outside, the demon-castle let out a sound like someone stepping on a bag of organs. The fluid in the tank began to boil. The heart beat faster — it was alive now, angry and wet and pulsing with foul heat. “Time to leave,” Pym muttered, sprinting as the floor melted and the ceiling turned into a nest of teeth. It was a blur. He ran, ducked, swore, possibly soiled himself (again — still not his fault), and finally burst out the demon’s jaw-door just as it collapsed behind him in a roaring wave of broken architecture and bile. He collapsed in the mud, still holding the jarred, steaming heart in his hands like a sacred turd. The raven landed beside him, gave a single approving caw, and nodded toward the mist. The Queen waited. Of course she did. And Pym had no idea what the hell she was going to do with this disgusting chunk of ancient rage — or what she might do with him for being stupid enough to actually succeed. But hell, he wasn’t going to back out now. “Let’s go see royalty,” he muttered, and followed the bird into the fog. The Heartless Queen and the Bastard Crown The fog thickened as Pym walked. It clung to him like a wet, pervy uncle. With every step, the heart pulsed hotter in his arms, leaking small drips of ancient, boiling ichor onto his shirt. His nipples would never be the same. Behind him, the demon-castle collapsed into a gurgling sinkhole, still belching out the occasional hymn of despair, which Pym found oddly catchy. The raven circled ahead like a drunken prophet, finally guiding him back to the clearing — back to her. The Queen of the Forsaken Soil stood exactly where he’d left her, though now the throne of skulls had multiplied. Twice the bones. Triple the menace. A second raven perched on her shoulder, this one older, balder, and somehow more disappointed-looking. “You return,” she said, eyeing him with a gaze that could make stone weep blood. “And intact.” Pym coughed, wiped some demon-slime off his chin, and held up the jar like an idiot displaying a meat prize at a butcher’s convention. “Found your heart. It was inside a giant screaming building full of religious mushrooms and bad taste.” She did not laugh this time. Instead, she descended the skull steps with a grace that made gravity blush. The mist curled away from her. The ground whispered, She walks, she walks, she walks. The two ravens flanked her like feathery shadows. When she reached him, she extended a single clawed hand. Pym hesitated, just a little. Because in that moment, the heart twitched. Not like a dying thing. Like a watching thing. Like it knew this wasn’t just a delivery. Like it wanted to be held a little longer. “...You’re not going to eat it, are you?” The Queen raised a brow. “Would it matter?” He thought about it. “Kind of, yeah. I'm emotionally fragile and squeamish after that last fungus orgy.” She grinned. “I’ll show you what I do with it.” She took the jar and — in one impossibly smooth motion — crushed it in her palm. Glass and fluid hissed, and the heart dropped onto her other hand like it had been waiting. She raised it above her head. The sky groaned. The skulls howled. A bolt of black lightning struck the earth a few feet away and opened a screaming pit full of wailing, naked lawyers (probably). Then she shoved the heart into her own chest. No wound. No incision. Just pure magic. The flesh parted like old curtains and drank the organ in. She roared — not in pain, but in power. Her skin lit from within, brighter than fire, redder than vengeance. The wind shrieked. Trees caught fire. Ravens exploded into feathers and reformed into skeletal versions of themselves. She levitated a few inches off the ground and spoke with a voice made of iron, shadow, and sarcasm. “I AM WHOLE.” “That’s... great,” Pym said, trying not to pee himself again. “So, we good? You’re healed, I get to leave with all my fingers?” She floated gently back to the ground, her form changed. Taller. More monstrous. More regal. She was still beautiful, but in the way a thunderstorm is beautiful right before it drops a tornado on your house. “You did not merely return my heart,” she said. “You touched it. Carried it. Gave it warmth. You breathed over it. That makes you...” She stepped forward, and placed one clawed hand on his chest. “...a consort.” “I’m sorry, a what now?” She snapped her fingers. Chains of mist wrapped around his limbs. A crown of bone and blood appeared in her other hand. She held it over his head with amused menace. “Kneel, rat-catcher.” “I think this is moving a bit fast—” “Kneel and rule beside me, or die with your balls in a jar. Your choice.” Pym, being an adaptable man and not particularly attached to his testicles, dropped to one knee. The crown dropped onto his greasy hair. It hissed, bit, then settled. He felt nothing at first. Then too much. Power, yes — but also history. Centuries of war, sorrow, rage, betrayal, and very poor architectural decisions. “Ow,” he said, as his spine cracked into regal posture. “That tickles. And burns.” The Queen leaned in, her lips at his ear. “You’ll get used to it. Or you’ll rot trying.” The mist lifted. The Forsaken Soil shifted. It accepted him. Skulls arranged themselves into a new throne beside hers. The dead whispered gossip. The trees bowed. The ravens nested in his hair. One of them pooped gently on his shoulder in approval. And just like that, Pym the rat-catcher became King of the Damned. Consort to a furious, heart-reborn goddess. Keeper of the Fog. Heir to nothing, master of everything that should not exist. He sat beside her, newly majestic, already itching from the crown and wondering if kings got bar tabs. He leaned over to her. “So,” he whispered, “now that we’re co-ruling, does this mean we share a bathroom or...?” The Queen did not answer. But she did smile. And far below them, in the screaming soil, something new began to stir.     Claim Your Throne (or at least your wall)If the Queen has haunted your imagination like she did poor Pym’s underwear, why not bring her home in all her dark, cinematic glory? This powerful image — Queen of the Forsaken Soil — is now available as a tapestry fit for a cursed throne room, a canvas print soaked in gothic dread, a metal print sharp enough to summon demons, or an acrylic print smooth enough to lure a raven. Want something more interactive? Dare to assemble the Queen piece by piece with this dark fantasy jigsaw puzzle — perfect for rainy nights and mild psychological unraveling. Long live the Queen… preferably on your wall.

by Bill Tiepelman

Leaf Me Be, I'm Fabulous!

Once upon a mossy morning in the grand, gossip-ridden undergrowth of the Lower Fern District, there lived a fuzzy, flamboyant caterpillar named Dandy. Not just any caterpillar—no, no—Dandy was born with what some might call an excessive flair for dramatics, a love for bold floral accessories, and a level of sass rarely found in creatures with six stubby legs and a thorax. Dandy had the kind of fuzzy lime fur that shimmered in the sun like a disco ball at a beetle’s birthday rave. His emerald eyes were glossy with the kind of innocence you see in soap commercials, framed by lashes long enough to require wind clearance. He wore rosy cheeks with the pride of a woodland debutante. But most importantly, Dandy carried a Gerbera daisy like a diva clutches her pearls: dramatically, unapologetically, and always color-coordinated. “You there!” Dandy called out one breezy morning to a sleepy slug passing by. “Tell me honestly—does this flower say ‘earthy enchantress’ or more ‘floral vengeance’?” The slug blinked (or maybe just slimed), unsure if it was being propositioned, insulted, or recruited into a flash mob. Dandy didn’t wait for a response. He posed with his flower, tilted his antennae just so, and gave a fierce pout that could curdle milk. “It says I’m FABULOUS, that’s what it says,” Dandy answered himself with a wink so powerful it disoriented a nearby fruit fly. Dandy wasn’t merely confident—he was a walking, wiggling embodiment of insect empowerment. He’d once faced down a bird with nothing but biting sarcasm and a glitter-bombed pinecone. When other caterpillars were fretting about metamorphosis and identity crises, Dandy had already customized his dream chrysalis with satin lining and optional skylight. “I’m not evolving,” he told anyone who would listen, “I’m curating my next form.” But even a bug like Dandy, dripping in confidence and flower pollen, wasn’t immune to trouble. Trouble, in this case, came slinking into the glade wearing a dusty mandible and a smirk. “Well, well, if it isn’t Princess Petal-Pants,” sneered Flick, the neighborhood mantis and walking midlife crisis. “What’s next, sparkles in your frass?” Dandy turned slowly. “Oh honey,” he purred, fluttering his lashes. “I’d explain it to you, but I left my bilingual mantis-to-basic guide in my other leaf clutch. Now do scurry along—I don’t cater to bugs who can’t spell ‘fabulous’ without biting off their own heads.” And just like that, Dandy sashayed deeper into the glade, flower high, self-worth higher, leaving Flick gasping in a cloud of daisy-scented dust and ego bruises. But little did Dandy know, his next great challenge wasn’t rude bugs or fashion critiques... it was survival, transformation, and a possibly illegal underground caterpillar pageant. The Wiggle Awakens Later that afternoon, Dandy found himself reclining luxuriously on a patch of moss that was softer than a spider’s whisper and greener than envy at a leaf-rolling competition. He adjusted the daisy between his stubby paws and stared dramatically into the canopy above, as if expecting applause to rain from the sky. “Why must I be so devastatingly magnetic?” he sighed, one antenna flopping for added effect. But somewhere in the distance, the winds of fate rustled—not gently, not romantically—but with the chaotic force of a squirrel with unresolved trauma. Through the leaves came a buzzing whisper: “They’re back. The Silk Circle returns tonight.” Dandy gasped. His eyes grew to dinner-plate diameter. “The Silk Circle?!” The Silk Circle was the stuff of buggy legend. An underground, invite-only society of caterpillars dedicated to glamour, transformation, and unbridled self-expression. They met deep in the underbrush inside a secret club known only as “The Chrysalis Cabana.” It was said to be carved into the underside of a rotting log and lit entirely by firefly butts—classy ones, obviously, the kind that pulse to disco beats. “I haven’t been to the Cabana since…” Dandy trailed off, one leg dramatically clutching his forehead. “Since The Incident.” The Incident, of course, referred to the time Dandy’s interpretive dance number to *Flight of the Bumblebee* ended with an accidental collision with the punch bowl, a scandalous slip on a banana peel, and a very public declaration of love to an unsuspecting ladybug who was, unfortunately, already married to a stag beetle with anger issues. But tonight, the Silk Circle was reawakening. Word had it that Madame Mothra—the Circle’s legendary founder and high priestess of glitter glue—was returning from her final metamorphosis tour in the West Ferns. And rumor had it she was looking for her successor. “This is it,” Dandy whispered. “My moment. My destiny. My runway.” With a series of confident wiggles, pirouettes, and what may have been a jazz paw, he tucked his daisy into his imaginary belt and began his journey toward the Cabana. He passed judgmental pillbugs, flirted with a handsome aphid, and narrowly dodged an overzealous robin by playing dead in the most over-the-top faint ever attempted by an invertebrate. After dusk, Dandy reached the log. A stern caterpillar bouncer with a monocle and a thorn tattoo on his thorax raised a brow. “Name?” “Dandy,” he said, striking a pose that involved all twelve of his body segments. “Tell Madame I’m back. And I brought attitude, sparkle, and interpretive jazz wings.” The bouncer didn’t flinch. “Password?” Dandy leaned forward. “Unfurl the fabulous.” The mossy door creaked open to reveal a surreal dreamscape. The Cabana was alive with glitter, pheromones, and questionable decisions. Disco spores floated through the air. Ladybugs served nectar shots on thimble trays. A praying mantis DJ spun bops that hadn’t charted in years but still slapped. And there—at the center of it all—Madame Mothra. She was majestic, an icon, a legend. Her wings shimmered like moonlight trapped in velvet. Her voice, when she spoke, was like a lullaby laced with cinnamon and power. “My sweetlings,” she cooed. “Tonight we crown the next High Flap of the Circle.” The crowd erupted. Someone fainted. Someone else molted. Dandy’s heart fluttered somewhere between excitement and sheer terror. Was he ready? Could he reclaim his sparkle? Did his antenna look flat? Contestants were called to the mossy stage. There was Crispin the couture caterpillar in rhinestone armor, Boopsy the interpretive poet who only spoke in silk trails, and Glimmer, a dangerously seductive inchworm with backup dancers and fog machine access. Then came Dandy. Spotlight. Silence. He stepped forward and whispered, “This one’s for every bug that’s ever been told their glitter was ‘too much.’” He dropped the daisy. And danced. It wasn’t polished. It wasn’t subtle. But it was raw, wriggly joy. He incorporated wiggles, flips, an air violin solo, and a final pose that spelled the word “FAB” with his body in cursive. There were tears. There were gasps. A millipede started slow clapping with 612 legs. As the music faded, Madame Mothra glided over. “You,” she said. “Are ridiculous.” Beat. Tension. Then— “But so am I. And that, my dear… is fabulous.” Confetti burst from fungal pods. A chorus of bugs broke into song. The daisy was returned to Dandy with a tiny tiara glued to the center. He’d done it. He was the new High Flap. The Cabana chanted his name. Slugs wept. The mantis DJ dropped a remix of Beyoncé’s "Irreplaceable" made entirely with leaf sounds. And Dandy, through all the glitter and pheromones, knew one thing deep in his gut: it wasn’t just about glamour. It was about showing up exactly as you are, with petals, sass, and all your weird, squirmy magic—and making the whole forest say, “Leaf me be... they’re fabulous.” Chrysalis, Interrupted The morning after his glitter-drenched coronation, Dandy awoke in a leaf hammock with a slight glitter hangover, antennae tangled, and a daisy stuck to his face. He blinked slowly. “Did I... twerk at a stag beetle?” Yes. Yes, he had. But regrets were for bugs with boring destinies, and Dandy had no time for remorse. The forest buzzed with news. His coronation had broken Silk Circle records: most audience members fainting, most accidental pollen inhalation, and the first dance battle to cause a spontaneous mushroom bloom. His inbox (a hollowed acorn) was stuffed with invitation scrolls: brunch with elder snails, modeling offers from bark beetles, even a spiritual retreat hosted by bees who only spoke in haikus. Yet amid all the fame and fanfare, Dandy knew something bigger was coming. Not just figuratively. Literally. His skin itched in that way that only meant one thing: the Chrysalis Call. The ultimate glow-up. The moment every caterpillar feared, fantasized about, and secretly Googled late at night on borrowed squirrel tablets: metamorphosis. He stood before the Mirror Dewdrop™ (a product placement courtesy of Mossfluence marketing) and stared at his reflection. “Am I ready to give up this fuzzy fabulousness?” he whispered. “Will I still be... me?” He did what he always did when faced with existential dread: he struck a fierce pose, adjusted his flower, and gave himself a pep talk. “You are DANDY. You’re not becoming something new—you’re becoming extra. If anything, the world better prepare for an airborne sass attack.” With that, he picked a shady branch draped in silk vines and climbed up, twirling for dramatic effect even now. He wrapped himself in shimmering thread—yes, sequined silk, don’t @ him—and formed the most breathtaking chrysalis the forest had ever seen. It looked like a jewel, like a disco ball had a love child with an opal. Bugs came by just to gawk. Moths wrote sonnets. A chipmunk tried to steal it. Typical. Inside, things were... confusing. It turns out turning into goo is a very personal journey. Thoughts floated like bubbles in champagne: his dreams, his fears, that one time he got stuck in a tulip and had to be rescued by an aggressively helpful beetle named Carl. He felt himself dissolving and reforming, but not into something different. Into something more Dandy than ever before. And then... Light. Cracks. The sound of a dramatic string section somewhere in the ether. His chrysalis shattered in a slow-motion explosion of silk confetti, and Dandy emerged. Wings. WINGS. Glorious, iridescent masterpieces that shimmered like someone spilled unicorn glitter into moonlight. His body, still fuzzy, still fierce. His antennae now curved like stylish punctuation marks. He fluttered upward with an accidental loop-de-loop that knocked over a pinecone. “Oops,” he giggled, “still adjusting to fabulous flight.” The forest gasped. Bugs gathered. Madame Mothra wept. “Look at you,” she choked out, dabbing her compound eyes with a pressed petal. “You’re an inspiration. A work of art. A flight risk for traditional gender roles.” And Dandy knew—he hadn’t changed. He’d blossomed. He was still dramatic, still dashing, still dangerously good at passive-aggressive compliments. But now he could be all of that from the air. He spent the day making glitter trails across the sky. He delivered pep talks to anxious inchworms. He hosted an aerial drag brunch using his wings as stage curtains. He became the legend the forest didn’t know it needed, but now couldn’t imagine life without. And that daisy? Still tucked behind one ear, now with a custom wing holster for wind safety. Style must never be compromised. One evening, as twilight dipped the leaves in lavender and the crickets broke into their nightly jazz jam, Dandy fluttered onto a branch beside a nervous young caterpillar with big eyes and a broken flower. “I’m not like the others,” the little one whispered. “I don’t want to be just a butterfly. I want to be me—loud and weird and... and sparkly.” Dandy smiled and leaned in close. “Sweetling, don’t you know? You were never meant to blend in. You were born to blind them with brilliance.” He winked, twirled midair, and shouted into the night, “Leaf me be—I’M FABULOUS!” The forest roared in applause. Somewhere, a firefly fainted. And above it all, Dandy soared, a daisy-wielding reminder that transformation isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about unleashing the magnificent ridiculousness you were always meant to be.     Want to bring a little Dandy energy into your own world? Whether you need a daily reminder to stay bold, weird, and wondrous—or just love bugs with serious main character energy—you can now celebrate Dandy’s daisy-fueled fabulousness with art that flutters straight into your home. From gleaming metal prints and elegant framed editions to a throw pillow that wiggles with charm and a tote bag perfect for petal transport, Dandy’s got your back—and your walls. Because darling, fabulous is a lifestyle.

by Bill Tiepelman

My Dragon Bestie

How to Accidentally Befriend a Fire Hazard Everyone knows toddlers have a knack for chaos. Sticky fingers, permanent marker tattoos on the dog, mysterious stains that science has yet to classify — it’s all part of their magic. But no one warned Ellie and Mark that their son Max, age two and a half and already proficient in diplomacy by fruit snack barter, would bring home a dragon. “It’s probably a lizard,” Mark had muttered when Max toddled in from the backyard cradling something green and suspiciously scaly. “A big, weird-eyed lizard. Like, emotionally unstable gecko weird.” But lizards, as a rule, do not belch smoke rings the size of frisbees when they burp. Nor do they respond to the name “Snuggleflame,” which Max insisted upon with the determined fury of a child who’s missed his nap. And certainly no lizard has ever attempted to toast a grilled cheese with its nostrils. The dragon — because that’s what it undeniably was — stood about knee-high with chunky feet, chubby cheeks, and the sort of wings that looked decorative until they weren’t. Its expression was equal parts devilish and delighted, like it knew a thousand secrets and none of them involved nap time. Max and Snuggleflame became inseparable within hours. They shared snacks (Max’s), secrets (mostly babbled gibberish), and bath time (a questionable decision). At night, the dragon curled around Max’s toddler bed like a living plush toy, radiating warmth and purring like a chainsaw on Xanax. Of course, Ellie and Mark tried to be rational about it. “It’s probably a metaphor,” Ellie suggested, sipping wine and watching their child cuddle a creature capable of combustion. “Like an emotional support hallucination. Freud would have loved this.” “Freud didn’t live in a ranch house with flammable drapes,” Mark replied, ducking as Snuggleflame sneezed a puff of glittery soot toward the ceiling fan. They called Animal Control. Animal Control politely suggested Animal Exorcism. They called the pediatrician. The pediatrician offered a therapist. The therapist asked if the dragon was billing under Max’s name or as a dependent. So they gave up. Because the dragon wasn’t going anywhere. And to be honest, after Snuggleflame roasted the neighbor’s leaf pile into the most efficient compost bin the HOA had ever seen, things got easier. Even the dog had stopped hiding in the washing machine. Mostly. But then, just as life started to feel bizarrely normal — Max drawing crayon murals of "Dragonopolis", Ellie fireproofing the furniture, Mark learning to say “Don't flame that” like it was a regular household rule — something changed. Snuggleflame’s eyes got wider. His wings got stretchier. And one morning, with a sound somewhere between a kazoo and a wind tunnel, he looked at Max, belched out a compass, and said — in perfect toddler-accented English — “We has to go home now.” Max blinked. “You mean my room?” The dragon grinned, fanged and wild. “Nope. Dragonland.” Ellie dropped her coffee mug. Mark cursed so hard the baby monitor censored him. Max? He simply smiled, eyes shining with the unshakable faith of a child whose best friend just turned into a mythical Uber. And that, dear reader, is how a suburban family accidentally agreed to a magical relocation clause… led by a dragon and a preschooler in Velcro shoes. To be continued in Part Two: “The TSA Does Not Approve of Dragons” The TSA Does Not Approve of Dragons Ellie hadn’t flown since Max was born. She remembered airports as stressful, overpriced food courts with occasional opportunities to be strip-searched by someone named Doug. But nothing — and I mean nothing — prepares you for trying to check a fire-breathing emotional support lizard through security. “Is that… an animal?” the TSA agent asked, in the same tone one might use for discovering a ferret operating a forklift. Her badge read “Karen B.” and her emotional aura screamed “no nonsense, no dragons, not today.” “He’s more of a plus-one,” Ellie said. “He breathes fire, but he doesn’t vape, if that helps.” Snuggleflame, for his part, was wearing Max’s old hoodie and a pair of aviator sunglasses. It did not help. He also carried a satchel with snacks, three crayons, a plastic tiara, and a glowing orb that had started whispering in Latin sometime around the baggage check. “He’s house-trained,” Max chimed in, proudly. “He only toasts things on purpose now.” Mark, who had been silently calculating how many times they could be banned from federal airspace before it counted as a felony, handed over the dragon’s ‘passport.’ It was a laminated construction paper booklet titled OFFISHUL DRAGON ID with a crayon drawing of Snuggleflame smiling next to a stick figure family and the helpful note: I AINT MEAN. Somehow, whether by charm, chaos, or sheer clerical burnout, they got through. There were compromises. Snuggleflame had to ride in cargo. The orb was confiscated by a guy who swore it tried to "reveal his destiny." Max cried for ten minutes until Snuggleflame sent smoke signals through the air vents spelling “I OK.” They landed in Iceland. “Why Iceland?” Mark asked for the fifth time, rubbing his temples with the slow desperation of a man whose toddler had commandeered an ancient being and a boarding gate. “Because it’s the place where the veil between worlds is thinnest,” Ellie replied, reading from a brochure she found in the airport titled Dragons, Gnomes, and You: A Practical Guide to Fae-Proofing Your Backyard. “Also,” Max piped up, “Snuggleflame said the portal smells like marshmallows here.” That, apparently, was that. They checked into a small hostel in a village so picturesque it made Hallmark movies feel insecure. The townspeople were polite in the way that implied they’d seen weirder. No one even blinked when Snuggleflame roasted a whole salmon with a hiccup or when Max used a stick to draw magical glyphs in the frost. The dragon led them into the wilderness at dawn. The terrain was a rugged postcard of mossy hills, icy streams, and a sky that looked like a Nordic mood ring. They hiked for hours — Max carried by turns on Mark’s shoulders or floating slightly above ground courtesy of Snuggleflame’s "hover hugs." Finally, they reached it: a clearing with a stone arch carved with symbols that pulsed faintly. A ring of mushrooms marked the threshold. The air buzzed with a scent that was part cinnamon toast, part ozone, and part “you’re about to make a decision that rewires your life forever.” Snuggleflame turned solemn. “Once we go through… you might never come back. Not the same way. You sure, little buddy?” Max, without hesitation, said, “Only if Mommy and Daddy come too.” Ellie and Mark looked at each other. She shrugged. “You know what? Normal was overrated.” “My office just assigned me to a committee about optimizing spreadsheet color-coding. Let’s roll,” Mark said. With a deep, echoing whoosh, Snuggleflame reared up and breathed a ribbon of blue fire into the arch. The stones glowed. The mushrooms danced. The veil between worlds sighed like an overworked barista and opened. The family stepped through together, hand in claw in hand. They landed in Dragonland. Not a metaphor. Not a theme park. A place where the skies shimmered like soap bubbles on steroids and the trees had opinions. Everything sparkled — aggressively so. It was like Lisa Frank had binge-watched Game of Thrones while microdosing peyote and then built a kingdom. The inhabitants greeted Max as though he were royalty. Turns out, he kind of was. Through a series of absolutely legitimate dream-based contracts, prophecy pancakes, and interpretive dance rituals, Max had been appointed "The Snuggle-Chosen." A hero foretold to bring emotional maturity and sticker-based communication to an otherwise flame-obsessed society. Snuggleflame became a full-sized dragon within days. He was magnificent — sleek, winged, capable of lifting minivans, and still perfectly willing to let Max ride on his back wearing nothing but dinosaur pajamas and a bike helmet. Ellie opened a fireproof preschool. Mark started a podcast called "Corporate Survival for the Newly Magical." They built a cottage next to a talking creek that offered life advice in the form of passive-aggressive haikus. Things were weird. They were also perfect. And no one — not a single soul — ever said, “You’re being childish,” because in Dragonland, the childish ran the place. To be continued in Part Three: “Civic Responsibility and the Ethical Use of Dragon Farts” Civic Responsibility and the Ethical Use of Dragon Farts Life in Dragonland was never boring. In fact, it was never even quiet. Between Snuggleflame’s daily aerial dance routines (featuring synchronized spark sneezes) and the enchanted jellybean geyser behind the house, “peaceful” was something they left behind at the airport. Still, the family had settled into something resembling a routine. Max, now the de facto ambassador of Human-Toddler Relations, spent his mornings finger-painting treaties and leading compassion exercises for the dragon hatchlings. His leadership style could best be described as “chaotic benevolence with juice breaks.” Ellie ran a successful daycare for magical creatures with behavioral issues. The tagline: “We Hug First, Ask Questions Later.” She had mastered the art of calming down a tantruming gnome with a glow stick and learned exactly how many glitter-bombs it took to distract a tantrum-prone unicorn with boundary issues (three and a half). Mark, meanwhile, had been elected to the Dragonland Council under the “reluctantly competent human” clause. His campaign platform included phrases like “Let’s stop setting fire to the mail” and “Fiscal responsibility: it’s not just for wizards.” Against all odds, it worked. He now chaired the Committee on Ethical Flame Use, where he spent most of his time writing policy to prevent dragons from using their farts as tactical weather devices. “We had a drought last month,” Mark muttered at the kitchen table one morning, scribbling on a parchment. “And instead of summoning rain, Glork farted a cloud the size of Cleveland into existence. It snowed pickles, Ellie. For twelve hours.” “They were delicious, though,” Max chirped, chewing one casually like it was a normal Tuesday. Then came The Incident. One sunny morning, Max and Snuggleflame were doing their usual stunt flights over the Glitter Dunes when Max accidentally dropped his lunch — a peanut butter sandwich enchanted with a happiness charm. The sandwich fell directly onto the ceremonial altar of the Grumblebeards, a cranky race of lava goblins with sensitive noses and no sense of humor. They declared war. On whom, exactly, was unclear — the child, the sandwich, the very concept of joy — but war was declared nonetheless. The Dragonland Council convened an emergency summit. Mark put on his “serious” robe (which featured fewer bedazzled stars than the casual one), Ellie brought her crisis glitter, and Max… brought Snuggleflame. “We’ll negotiate,” said Mark. “We’ll dazzle them,” said Ellie. “We’ll weaponize cuteness,” said Max, his eyes practically sparkling with tactical whimsy. And so they did. After three hours of increasingly confusing diplomacy, several emotional monologues about peanut allergies, and a full toddler-led puppet show reenacting “How Sandwiches Are Made With Love,” the Grumblebeards agreed to a ceasefire… if Snuggleflame could fart a cloud shaped like their ancestral totem: a slightly melting lava cat named Shlorp. Snuggleflame, after three helpings of spicy moonberries and a dramatic tail stretch, delivered. The resulting cloud was magnificent. It purred. It glowed. It made fart sounds in four-part harmony. The Grumblebeards wept openly and handed over a peace contract written in crayon. Dragonland was saved. Max was promoted to Supreme Hugmaster of the Inter-Mythical Council. Ellie received the Glitterheart Medal for Emotional Conflict Resolution. Mark was finally allowed to install smoke detectors without being called a “buzzkill.” Years passed. Max grew. So did Snuggleflame — who now sported a monocle, a saddle, and an unshakeable fondness for dad jokes. They became living legends, flying between dimensions, solving magical disputes, spreading laughter, and occasionally dropping enchanted sandwiches onto unsuspecting picnic-goers. But every year, on the anniversary of The Incident, they returned home to that very same stone arch in Iceland. They’d share stories, toast marshmallows on Snuggleflame’s backdraft, and watch the skies together, wondering who else might need a little more magic… or a cuddle-powered ceasefire. And for anyone who asks if it really happened — the dragons, the portals, the diplomacy powered by hugs — Max has just one answer: “You ever seen a toddler lie about a dragon bestie with that much confidence? Didn’t think so.” The End. (Or maybe just the beginning.)     Take a Piece of Dragonland Home 🐉 If “My Dragon Bestie” made your inner child do a little happy dance (or snort-laugh into your coffee), you can bring that magical mischief into your real world! Whether you want to cozy up with a fleece blanket that’s as warm as Snuggleflame’s belly, or add some whimsical fire-breathing flair to your space with a metal print or framed wall art, we’ve got you covered. Send a smile (and maybe a giggle-snort) with a greeting card, or go big and bold with a storytelling centerpiece like our vibrant tapestry. Every item features the high-detail, whimsical world of “My Dragon Bestie” — a perfect way to bring fantasy, fun, and fireproof friendship into your home or to share with the dragon-lover in your life.

by Bill Tiepelman

Cradle of Copper Veins

There are stories the trees tell long after the last leaf has fallen. Stories whispered not in words, but in sighs of wind and flickers of gold that dance between branches. And if you know how to listen — really listen — you’ll hear the tale of a fairy named Cress, who came into this world nestled in a leaf so grand it rivaled the sails of a galleon, glowing with the luster of hammered copper. Cress wasn’t born like other fairies. No flick of a wand, no moonbeam ceremony. One morning, just as autumn was stretching its fingers into the roots of the woods, a sleepy breeze tumbled through the Great Hollow, and there she was — curled up in the crook of a leaf like a blessing too delicate for noise. Her hair was spun sunlight, her wings etched from morning frost, and her face was the kind that could convince even the crankiest mushroom to smile. The elder fairies didn’t quite know what to make of her. "Too quiet," muttered Bramble Fernthistle, adjusting his acorn monocle. "No sparkle. No twinkle. Probably defective." But Cress just smiled in her sleep, utterly unmoved by fairy bureaucracy. Her leaf cradle had fallen from the ancient maple, a tree known to whisper to stars. And so, some believed she wasn’t born at all — but sent. By whom? Theories abounded. The stars? The wind? A goddess with a sense of humor and a flair for the dramatic? Only one thing was certain: Cress had a vibe. A powerful, soul-hugging, peace-tinted kind of vibe. The kind that made squirrels pause mid-acorn. That made spiders crochet doilies instead of webs. That made the morning dew linger just a little longer to kiss her forehead. And then, the dream started spreading. At first, only forest creatures felt it — a lightness in their paws, a softness in their heartbeats. Then, the trees began to hum lullabies without wind. Next came the clouds, lowering just enough to catch a glimpse of her as they passed. Even the grumpy badger near the western brook was spotted knitting something that might’ve been a scarf. He’d deny it to his dying breath, of course. But the yarn was pink and had glitter in it. “She’s... changing us,” said Maplewish, the oldest of the grove. “With sleep. And silence. And possibly drool.” But it was more than that. It was presence. This tiny, dreaming fairy, in her copper-leaf cradle, radiated such gentle purpose that even time slowed down to admire her. She didn’t ask. She didn’t preach. She simply *was.* And in her being, the forest remembered who it was supposed to be. And then, one morning, she woke up. Cress’s first breath was soft — like the exhale of a songbird in a dream. Her eyes fluttered open beneath the dappled amber light of morning, and the entire forest held its breath. Even the breeze paused, unsure if it was appropriate to move now that she was looking. Her gaze didn’t scan the canopy or jump to the curious throngs of forest watchers perched atop mushrooms, owls, and the backs of patient deer. Instead, she stared with hypnotized wonder at the edge of her copper-veined leaf, her tiny fingers tracing its ridges like they were the edges of a secret map. “She’s... awake,” gasped Thistlemop, a woodsprite with anxiety issues and a flair for the dramatic. He immediately fainted into a puff of glitter, which was honestly not that uncommon for him. “Bless the bark, what do we do now?” someone whispered. “Do we clap? Bow? Offer her the ceremonial acorn?” But Cress didn’t ask for pomp or parades. She sat up slowly, yawned a yawn so wide it made a nearby chipmunk pass out from cuteness, and blinked at the world as if seeing it for the first time and deciding it might be worth forgiving. She had the kind of aura that turned bee stings into butterflies. No one knew why. Maybe it was her silence — the way she listened before speaking. Or maybe it was how she giggled at dandelion seeds like they were stand-up comedians. Either way, by noon that day, the Council of Elders had declared a full fairy holiday. They called it “Cressmas.” It had very little structure, involved a lot of spontaneous naps, and a cake made of dew and wild honey. And from that moment on, the Forest changed. Animals that had held grudges for decades forgave each other. A squirrel and a raven opened a bookstore. Moss began growing in intricate, artful spirals instead of the usual blob formations. Even the mushrooms glowed brighter, murmuring little psalms in their sleep. And the fairies? The fairies, once obsessed with sparkle quotas and wing inspections, stopped fussing long enough to notice the way the stars blinked a little slower over Cress’s leaf. She didn’t speak for several moons. She didn’t have to. Her expressions spoke entire novels. Her laughter unknotted years of forest tension. And when she finally did speak, it was to the old willow who asked her what she dreamed about. “Warmth,” she said. “And something that hasn’t happened yet.” That night, an aurora bloomed in colors the sky had forgotten it owned. From then on, Cress became the pulse of the woods. Not a ruler — heavens no. She didn’t even like chairs. But a presence. A rhythm. When she was near, you remembered what joy tasted like. You remembered to breathe slower. You forgave the ants for being obnoxious, and you let the raindrops roll down your nose without wiping them off in irritation. And the thing was, she *grew.* Not in size (fairy babies are notoriously stubborn about that), but in essence. Her eyes became galaxies of green and gold. Her wings shimmered with patterns that matched the phases of the moon. Her laughter caused flowers to bloom off-season. She once smiled at a frog so warmly that it developed complex emotions and started writing poetry. But as Cress’s magic deepened, so did her knowing. She began to wander. Always with kindness. Always with her leaf, which had curled into the shape of a gentle sled. She visited every root, every rock, every burrow and blossom. Creatures she’d never seen leaned forward when she passed. Foxes bowed. Owls wept. Even the grumpy badger made her a mug with her name on it. It said “Little One, Big Deal.” He denied it was sentimental, of course. Said it was a tax write-off. Eventually, Cress arrived at the edge of the forest, where the tall grass met the world beyond. She tilted her head. The wind tousled her hair in question. She didn’t speak. She simply stepped beyond the wild bramble, dragging her copper cradle behind her — into the Great Beyond where the forest’s hum couldn’t quite reach. “Where’s she going?” asked a curious beetle. “Everywhere,” said Maplewish, wiping a tear of sap from his cheek. “She’s what happens when the forest remembers its heart. But hearts don’t stay still, do they?” They didn’t. And neither did she. From the cities with sirens to deserts that hummed at dusk, Cress wandered. People never remembered her clearly — only that they had wept without knowing why, or danced without knowing how. Coffee tasted sweeter. Tempers felt slower. Strangers gave each other snacks. Dogs stopped barking at mailmen. And all across the land, wherever she had passed, autumn leaves curled slightly into cradles, waiting for someone else — someone gentle, and wild, and quietly powerful — to remember who they were. The years passed, as they tend to do — sneaky little things, fluttering past like moths in the dusk. Cress walked through them all barefoot and curious, never in a hurry, never quite belonging to time. Wherever she wandered, something happened — not big, explosive somethings. No fireworks. No thunder. Just... small shifts. Quiet revolutions. In the sleepy town of Mirebell, a cobbler began leaving one extra shoe outside his shop every morning. He said it was for "the tired." He didn't specify who. He didn’t need to. In the mountains of Nareth, where the winds carved stone like gossiping grandmothers, wild goats stopped headbutting each other for dominance and started organizing cliffside yoga. In the farmlands of Brindlehusk, a young boy whose heart had grown too heavy from loss woke up one morning to find an amber-colored leaf cradling a single pearlescent tear on his pillow. It was dry. And so, for the first time in months, were his cheeks. And in all these places, there were whispers of a girl — a child, or a woman, or a spirit, no one could quite agree — whose presence made you want to call your grandmother and tell her you loved her, even if she was already dead. Especially if she was already dead. “She’s made of lullabies,” someone once said. “No,” said another. “She’s made of the silence between lullabies.” One autumn, in a city made of steel and cracked pavement, Cress found herself standing beside a woman in a power suit who looked like she'd forgotten how to cry. They waited for the same bus. The woman had earbuds in and an expression like a snapped pencil. But Cress — wearing a crown of dandelions and a sweater knitted from something very much like moonlight — just stood beside her, gently humming a note that made a nearby pigeon forget how to scowl. When the woman looked over, Cress met her eyes with that look. That look that says: I see you, and you don’t owe the world another performance. And something broke, gently. The woman sat down on the curb and sobbed into her coffee. It tasted better after. And still, Cress moved on. Always on. Her copper-veined leaf, now worn and glossy like an heirloom spoon, trailed behind her like a promise — rustling with stories not yet told. She never sought fame, though her legend grew. She never stayed long, though some swore they still saw her in the corners of their favorite memories. Eventually — and inevitably — she returned to the forest. Not because she had to. Not because the wind whispered her name or the mushrooms staged a union strike in protest of her absence (although they had considered it). She returned because love always circles back, like rivers, like stories, like the moon to its favorite phase. By now, the forest had changed. Grown taller, more knotted in places, but also softer. The grumpy badger had opened a therapy burrow. The bookstore run by the squirrel and raven had a poetry section curated by frogs. And the trees — oh, the trees — they leaned in, their branches trembling with reverence as Cress stepped once more into the amber light beneath their boughs. She looked older. Not old. Just... fuller. More galaxy than girl now. Her wings shimmered with memories. Her eyes held galaxies she hadn’t been born with. She no longer slept in the cradle of copper veins. But she carried it still, curled gently over her shoulder like a shawl woven from goodbye and gratitude. “You came back,” gasped Maplewish, now stooped and silvered with lichen. “I was always here,” she said, and kissed his bark. And then, one morning — golden, as if the sun had remembered how to fall in love — Cress walked into the center of the grove and lay down upon her leaf. Not to sleep, this time. But to root. The leaf curled up around her like it had been waiting centuries for this moment. The wind cradled her name and let it echo one last time. The animals watched, not with sorrow, but reverence. Something bigger than grief bloomed in their bellies — a feeling like finishing a perfect book and hugging it to your chest. And where she lay, a tree grew. It wasn’t like any other tree. Its trunk shimmered like burnished bronze, its leaves whisper-thin and luminous, curling like parchment in the wind. Flowers bloomed on its branches year-round — forget-me-nots, wild violets, even the occasional curious mushroom. Its roots hummed lullabies. And at its base, nestled in moss, was the copper-veined leaf, forever cradling a memory, forever becoming. They say if you sit beneath it long enough, you’ll remember a part of yourself you forgot how to love. You’ll find yourself weeping without knowing why. You’ll leave lighter than you came. And just sometimes, when the light hits right and your heart is quiet enough — you’ll see her. Not as a ghost. Not as a fairy. Not even as a girl. But as a feeling. As hope. As the whisper between songs. And when you rise to go, you’ll carry her with you — like warmth. Like wonder. Like home.     If the magic of Cress still lingers in your chest — if her warmth, her quiet wonder, and her copper-veined cradle whispered something to your soul — you’re not alone. And you don’t have to leave her behind. Her spirit now lives on in a collection of inspired creations, ready to bring a little forest magic into your own sacred space. Adorn your walls with the story’s essence through a canvas print or a dreamy, flowing tapestry that lets the golden hues of autumn cradle your room. Curl up with her comfort woven into a throw pillow or wrap yourself in wonder beneath a duvet cover that feels like a forest lullaby. For a touch of magic on the move, carry the story with you in a lovely tote bag, perfect for dreamers and wanderers alike. However you choose to keep her near, may her presence remind you to slow down, breathe deep, and believe in the quiet strength of softness.

by Bill Tiepelman

Twilight Tickle Sprite

In the hush of the Golden Glade — that rare patch of forest where twilight always lingers just a little too long and the frogs sound like they've had a few too many dandelion brews — there lived a sprite named Luma. Luma was, for lack of a better phrase, a professional instigator. Not malicious, mind you. Just the sort of trickster who braided squirrel tails together when they napped too close, whispered "your fly is down" to passing satyrs (who didn’t wear trousers to begin with), and left trails of glittery snail slime across picnic blankets. She considered it her sacred duty to keep the forest fun. “Spring isn’t spring unless someone’s giggling too hard to breathe,” she often declared, which was a bold claim for someone three apples tall with moss in her hair and daisies tangled in her wings. On the Vernal Sneeze — the very first day of spring when pollen explodes off trees like confetti from a cannon — Luma was especially energized. She’d spent the winter plotting new nonsense, her tiny journal full of plans like “frog choir remix” and “unicorn armpit tickle ambush.” Her latest goal? Cause 100 genuine belly laughs before moonrise. She wore her “mirth crown” (woven from ivy and heavily bedazzled with stolen beetle shells) and her favorite purple petal gown, which rustled like sarcastic applause every time she moved. By midday, she’d already made the mushroom council spit tea through their pores with a pop-up puppet show about toadstool taxes. She’d gotten three grumpy hedgehogs to do the can-can with a clever bit of reverse psychology involving jam. Even the melancholy oak — who hadn’t smiled since the acorn tax scandal of 1802 — had rustled its leaves in what some called laughter and others called mild wind. Either way, it counted. Then came the most delicious opportunity of all: a wandering bard. Human. Handsome in a hopeless way, like he got dressed in the dark with only a lute and too much confidence. Luma perched on a lilypad, wings fluttering with anticipation. “Ooooh, this’ll be good,” she muttered, cracking her knuckles. “Time to make a mortal blush so hard he turns into a beetroot.” She launched into action, throwing her voice like a spring breeze. “Hey bard boy,” she cooed. “Bet you can’t rhyme ‘thistle’ with ‘booty whistle.’” The bard stopped mid-stanza. “Who goes there?” Luma grinned. Her eyes sparkled like wet petals in sunbeam soup. This was going to be fun. Lutes, Loot, and Loopholes The bard’s name, as it turned out, was Sondrin Merriwag — a name far too dashing for someone whose boots squeaked when he walked and who carried a satchel full of old cheese and soggy poetry scrolls. He was journeying through the Golden Glade “in search of inspiration,” which was bard-code for “please someone give me a plot.” Luma found this absolutely delicious. She flitted into view dramatically, perching on a thick moss-covered branch like a vaudeville queen about to start a roast. “Inspiration? Sweetie, your doublets have more drama than your lyrics. That last song rhymed ‘longing’ with ‘belonging’ — are you trying to seduce a goose?” Sondrin blinked. “You’re… a fairy?” “Technically a sprite. We’re less sparkles, more snark.” She gave him an exaggerated curtsy, which, in her petal-skirted state, looked like a blooming flower doing jazz hands. “I’m Luma. Mischief artisan. Whimsy technician. Certified giggle dealer. And you, sir, have the confused expression of a man who’s just realized his pants are on backwards.” He looked down. They weren’t. But for a horrifying second, he wasn’t sure. “You come into my glade,” Luma continued, circling him slowly like a cat with gossip, “with that lute tuned like a drunken badger’s mandolin and lyrics that make the bluebells wilt. You need help. Desperately. And lucky for you, I’m feeling generous. Spring does that to me — hormones and pollen and the urge to humiliate strangers.” Sondrin frowned. “I don't need help, I need—” “—an audience that doesn’t wish for earplugs? Agreed.” Luma clapped her hands, summoning a choir of frogs who immediately began croaking something suspiciously like “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Sondrin stared. “Did they just harmonize ‘Galileo’?” “They’re unionized now. It’s a whole thing.” Within moments, Luma had fully hijacked his “inspirational journey.” She stuffed his lute case with chirping crickets (“percussive backup”), replaced his belt buckle with a beetle (“name’s Gary, he’s clingy”), and enchanted his boots to break into spontaneous Morris dancing every time he stepped on a daffodil. Which was often, given his tendency to monologue through flower patches. “Stop that!” he yelled, as his legs began doing a high-kick jig of their own accord. “Can’t,” Luma said, sipping nectar from a thimble. “Spring contract. Any mortal who sings off-key within 300 feet of a fairy glade gets cursed with rhythmic footwear. It’s in the bylaws.” “There are bylaws?” “Oh darling,” she said with a sly grin. “There’s a bureaucracy.” Still, Sondrin didn’t leave. Perhaps it was pride. Perhaps it was the fact that his boots now only walked toward Luma regardless of his intent. Perhaps he was starting to enjoy the chaos — or her grin — more than he wanted to admit. She had a laugh like a windchime and eyes that made moss seem fashionable. And, whether she was pranking him or perched on a daisy doing air guitar with a twig, she radiated something he hadn’t felt in years: joy. Wild, irreverent, uncontrollable joy. By nightfall, they were seated together in a crocus field. Luma lounged in a tulip chair, licking honey off her fingers. Sondrin, defeated and somehow enchanted, was strumming a revised tune on his lute. It rhymed “glade” with “played” and featured a cheeky line about beetles in one’s underthings. “Better,” Luma said. “Still basic. But it’s got more butt.” He blinked. “More what?” “Soul, darling. Sass. A good song needs cheek. Yours used to sound like you were apologizing to the wind.” She leaned in conspiratorially. “But now you’ve been glitterbombed by Spring. You’ve tasted chaos. You’ve felt the twitch of a flower-given wedgie. There’s no going back.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re mad.” “Oh, absolutely. But admit it — this is more fun than serenading a goat in a tavern.” He blushed. “How did you—” “YouTube. Long story.” The glade glowed faintly as fireflies began their nightly rave. A hedgehog in sunglasses dropped the beat. Somewhere, a squirrel DJ spun tiny records made from walnut halves. And under the pink haze of moonrise, Luma flopped backwards into the grass, humming tunelessly and utterly pleased with herself. Sondrin stared up at the stars and sighed. “What now?” Luma sat up, eyes wide and wicked. “Oh honey,” she purred. “Now it’s time for the Tickle Trials.” “I’m sorry, the what?” But she was already gone, trailing giggles and petal dust as she vanished into the trees. The Tickle Trials (And Other Inconvenient Truths) Sondrin awoke to find his face painted like a butterfly, his eyebrows braided, and his lute replaced with a particularly smug-looking squirrel clutching a kazoo. He blinked twice, coughed up a glitter petal, and sat up to a scene of absolute woodland anarchy. The Golden Glade had been transformed overnight. Ivy vines had been woven into grand spectator stands. Glowworms hung from branches like fairy lights. A large patch of moss had been raked into a makeshift arena, with tiny mushrooms forming a boundary and a slug with a whistle serving as referee. Dozens of forest creatures — badgers in bonnets, frogs with monocles, raccoons in sequined vests — sat cheering and eating suspiciously crunchy snacks. And in the center, twirling dramatically like a chaos ballerina in a flower tutu, was Luma. “Welcome, traveler of tune and tragically misplaced rhymes,” she bellowed, voice amplified by a magically modified snail shell. “You have entered the Spring Court. Today, you face the final challenge of your artistic redemption: THE TICKLE TRIALS.” Sondrin blinked. “That’s not a real thing.” “It is now,” she said brightly. “Tradition starts somewhere, love.” “And if I refuse?” “Then your boots will tap dance you off a cliff while singing ‘It’s Raining Men’ in falsetto.” He gulped. “Right. Proceed.” Trial One was dubbed “Guffaw Gauntlet.” Sondrin was blindfolded with a daisy chain and subjected to thirty seconds of being poked by invisible feather sprites while a choir of giggling chipmunks recited his worst lyrics back to him in mocking falsetto. He howled. He squealed. He begged for mercy and got hit with a pie made of whipped dandelions instead. The crowd roared with approval. Trial Two was “Snort and Sprint” — an obstacle course where he had to balance a wobbly pudding on his head while answering trivia questions about fairy culture (“What is the official color of Spring Mischief Bureaucracy?” “Chartreuse Confusion!”) while being tickled by sentient vines and relentlessly heckled by a goose named Kevin. He fell. A lot. At one point the pudding yelled encouragement, which didn’t help. By the time he stumbled into the arena for the third and final trial, he was covered in flower jam, had half a beetle in his sock, and was laughing so hard he couldn’t form sentences. Trial Three was simple: make Luma laugh. “You think you can break me?” she teased, arms crossed, eyes gleaming like stormclouds about to misbehave. “I invented the giggle loop.” Sondrin straightened. He brushed pollen out of his hair, shook glitter from his boots, and picked up his lute (the real one, returned now and mysteriously cleaner than ever). He strummed a chord. “Ahem,” he began. “This one’s called ‘The Ballad of the Booty Beetle.’” The audience went still. The snail referee raised one slimy brow. Sondrin sang. It was absurd. Rhymes like “mandible scandal” and “wiggle giggle scandal” cascaded through the glade. His lute solos were punctuated by kazoo bursts from the backup squirrel. The chorus involved choreographed toe-wiggling. He threw in a high note that startled an owl into premature molting. And Luma? She laughed. She laughed so hard she snorted dandelion dust. She laughed until her wings drooped. She laughed until she had to sit on a mushroom, tears streaming down her cheeks. She laughed like someone remembering every joy all at once. And when the song ended, she clapped wildly, jumped to her feet, and tackled him in a hug that smelled like honey and mischief. “You did it!” she crowed. “You broke the trials. You made a whole glade snort.” “You made me desperate,” he wheezed, holding her like a man both victorious and thoroughly humiliated. “Your glade is terrifying.” “Isn’t it divine?” They flopped back into the grass as the Spring Court erupted in celebration. A frog DJ dropped the beat. The raccoons popped tiny confetti poppers. Someone brought out thimble-sized cakes that tasted suspiciously like tequila. “So what now?” Sondrin asked, one eyebrow arched. “Do I get knighted with a butter knife? Receive a medal shaped like a flower butt?” Luma rolled over to face him, eyes soft now. “Now you stay, if you want. Play songs that make fairies cackle. Write ballads about bee politics and gnome divorce. Make weird music that makes trees dance. Or don’t. You’re free.” He looked at her — the sprite with petals in her hair and mischief in her blood — and smiled. “I’ll stay. But only if I get a title.” “Oh, absolutely,” she said. “Henceforth, you shall be known as… Sir Gigglenote, Bard of Butt Rhymes and Occasional Dignity.” And so he stayed. And the glade was never quieter again. And every spring, when the pollen danced and the snails rallied and the daffodils yodeled jazz, the Twilight Tickle Sprite and her ridiculous bard filled the woods with chaos, kisses, and the kind of laughter that made squirrels fall out of trees in delight. Fin.     ✨ Bring Luma Home — Mischief Included ✨ If you fell in love with the chaotic charm of Luma and her giggle-fueled glade, you can bring a sprinkle of her spring magic into your world. Whether you're feathering your fairy nest or gifting a bit of enchanted sass to someone who needs a smile, we've got you covered: Framed Print – Add forest sparkle and sprite vibes to your wall. Warning: may cause spontaneous snickering. Tapestry – Drape your world in whimsy. Perfect for treehouses, reading nooks, or unexpected bard ambushes. Throw Pillow – Hug a fairy. Literally. Ideal for mid-prank naps or pollen season lounging. Fleece Blanket – Wrap yourself in cozy enchantment. May induce dreams of musical raccoons and glittery jam. Greeting Card – Send someone a sprite-sized dose of delight. Bonus: no pollen inside (probably). Because sometimes, what your life really needs… is a fairy with boundary issues and a wardrobe made of petals.

by Bill Tiepelman

Tails from the Train Station

Barkley Gets the Boot Barkley W. Barkington was not your average Yorkie. He wasn’t bred for handbags, and he sure as hell didn’t take orders. No, Barkley was born with wanderlust in his whiskers and mischief stitched into his teeny-tiny underpants. If you ever doubted a ten-pound dog could sneak past five border patrols and seduce an entire bachelorette party, you clearly hadn’t met Barkley. He’d been on the move since the “Incident at the Groomer’s” — an unfortunate misunderstanding involving a shampoo bottle, an unlocked gate, and a schnauzer named Judy with a tattoo on her butt that said “Sniff Here.” Barkley didn’t do regrets. He did trains. Specifically, he did train stations, because that’s where you found the best stories, the worst coffee, and people so distracted they’d never notice a Yorkie lifting a ham sandwich out of their carry-on. Today’s platform of chaos was Station 7½ — a place that only appeared to those down on their luck or desperately in need of a second chance. Barkley fit both categories. With his brass pocket watch ticking against his chest and a coat that smelled of wet leaves and French cigars, he perched atop his battered suitcase like a prince on exile. Not sad, no — defiant. Stylishly defiant. “You can’t be here,” said a squat man in a transit vest, kicking at the suitcase. Barkley raised a brow (just one, he practiced it in the mirror), adjusted his beret, and farted in protest. The kind of fart that said, ‘Sir, I have eaten international cheeses and outlived three landlords. Back off.’ The man walked away muttering, possibly swearing. Barkley wasn’t sure. He was too busy eyeing a mysterious figure approaching with a trench coat two sizes too big and a limp that screamed “I have stories and probable warrants.” Barkley’s ears twitched. This was how it always started — with someone strange, something risky, and the faint scent of pickled onions and forbidden freedom. He sniffed the air. Opportunity was approaching, probably drunk, possibly cursed, and definitely about to change his life. The Limping Stranger and the Loaf of Destiny The man with the trench coat didn’t walk so much as stagger with attitude. His limp was real — you could tell by the way he winced every third step — but the rest of his swagger was pure showmanship. Barkley narrowed his eyes. That coat was filled with secrets. Possibly snacks. Definitely both. “You waiting for Train 23?” the man asked, his voice gravel dipped in gin and regret. Barkley, of course, didn’t answer. He was a Yorkie. But he didn’t need to speak — his thousand-yard stare into the fogged horizon said everything: I’ve seen things. I’ve peed on statues older than your lineage. Talk wisely, mortal. “Thought so,” the man nodded, dropping his duffel bag to the ground. It hit with a clunk. A suspiciously metallic clunk. Barkley side-eyed the bag. That was either a very small submarine sandwich press or the kind of device that got you banned from three countries and one pet expo. Either way, Barkley was intrigued. The man sat beside him on the bench, breathing heavily like he’d just walked through a mile of existential crisis. “Name’s Vince,” he said, not looking up. “I used to be somebody. I sold bread. Big bread. Loaves so good they got banned in Utah.” Barkley’s ears perked. Bread. Now we were speaking his language. “They said my sourdough was too sensual. Can you believe that? Said the crumb had a ‘forbidden vibe.’” Vince snorted. “That’s when I knew I had to leave. A man can’t thrive in a world that fears moistness.” Barkley nodded solemnly. Moistness was a misunderstood frontier. As Vince rambled about yeast activism and his brief stint hiding in a vegan co-op under the alias “Brent,” Barkley’s eyes locked onto the real prize — a crusty corner of a still-warm loaf poking out from Vince’s bag like a siren calling to sea-weary canines. He licked his lips and tried to play it cool. “You know what your eyes say?” Vince whispered suddenly, turning to him with terrifying clarity. “They say you’ve been kicked out of better places than this. They say you’re just like me.” Barkley gave the faintest wag of his tail. Not confirmation. Not denial. Just… an acknowledgement. The same way monks acknowledge enlightenment. Or raccoons acknowledge trash bins. “You know what I think?” Vince continued. “I think Train 23 doesn’t exist. I think this whole station’s a metaphor. For life. For the fact that sometimes, even the smallest creature in a big coat deserves a damn ride.” Barkley had to admit, he was starting to vibe with this delusional bread philosopher. Maybe it was the way Vince saw right through the fluff. Or maybe it was the warm baguette air escaping from his duffel like a Parisian fart whispering promises of carbohydrates and mild euphoria. Then it happened — the moment Barkley’s life swerved off course like a pug on roller skates. A woman appeared on the platform. Not just any woman. She had an umbrella, a velvet cape, and the energy of someone who carried loose change in antique lockets. Her hair defied gravity. Her voice defied gender. She was glorious. “Vince,” she growled. “You brought the dog.” “He brought himself,” Vince shrugged. “You know how these things go.” “He’s wearing boots,” she hissed. “You can’t just recruit a dog because he has footwear.” “I didn’t recruit him. He’s freelance.” Barkley stood and gave a long, deliberate stretch. This was his moment. He let one boot squeak dramatically on the bench. Then he jumped down, sauntered to the woman’s feet, and very deliberately peed on her umbrella. She stared down at him. Then she laughed — a long, slow laugh that smelled like licorice and bad decisions. “You’ve got moxie, mutt,” she said. “Alright. He’s in.” “In what?” Barkley thought, ears twitching. That’s when he saw it: a small brass coin slipped into his suitcase by Vince, etched with the number 23 and a paw print surrounded by a compass. Not a train number. A mission. The woman snapped her fingers. A portal opened. Not some CGI puff of glitter — a full-on dimensional tear in space that smelled faintly of cinnamon and bureaucratic despair. Vince picked up his duffel. The woman opened a suitcase that barked back. Barkley adjusted his scarf. He had no idea where they were going. But wherever it was, it beat the hell out of sitting on cold benches and wondering if destiny forgot your stop. With one last heroic bark (that sounded suspiciously like a muffled belch), Barkley leapt into the portal, boots first, eyes wide, tail high. Goodbye, platform 7½. Hello, chaos. The Con of Corgistan The transition through the portal was less of a floaty-windy magic moment and more like getting licked aggressively by time itself. Barkley’s boots hit solid ground with a squelch. Not snow. Not mud. Something else. Something... frothy? Barkley looked down and groaned. Espresso foam. He was standing in a street made of coffee. Literally. The buildings were porcelain cups stacked to skyscraper height. Lampposts were bendy silver spoons. A café sign swung lazily overhead, declaring in bold gold script: Welcome to Corgistan: Land of Short Legs and Long Memories. “Where the hell are we?” Barkley barked, but of course nobody answered. Except Vince, who popped in behind him with a flatbread in one hand and a grenade-sized coffee bean in the other. “Corgistan,” Vince said, as if this was obvious. “Ruled by the most corrupt line of royal canines since Queen Lady Piddleton II declared martial law over chew toys.” Barkley blinked. “You're making that up.” “Probably,” Vince shrugged. “But here's the thing: they need us. Their espresso reserves are tainted. Someone’s slipped decaf into the royal supply. You know what happens to a corgi monarch without caffeine?” “Nap riots?” “Exactly.” That’s when she appeared again — the mysterious woman with the velvet cape and a tendency to materialize during plot pivots. This time, she was astride a scooter powered entirely by drama and passive-aggressive huffing. “Mission brief,” she said, flinging a scroll that unrolled with dramatic length and a confetti cannon burst at the end. “You’re to infiltrate the palace as an ambassador of the Free Paw Society. Seduce the Baroness. Bribe the steward. Steal the Sacred Bean.” “You want me to seduce a corgi?” Barkley asked, aghast. “Baroness isn't a corgi,” she clarified. “She’s a Dalmatian with abandonment issues and a fondness for monocles. Barkley, this is literally in your wheelhouse.” “This feels morally grey.” “You're wearing a trench coat and bandana, love. You are morally grey.” Within hours, Barkley was bathed, buffed, and stuffed into a double-breasted diplomatic uniform that made him look like a tiny general who moonlighted as a cabaret singer. He didn’t walk into the palace — he pranced. He gave just enough pomp to pass as official but not enough to look constipated. The Baroness was waiting. Spot-covered, slightly drunk, and swaddled in velvet and disapproval. Her monocle glinted like a villain origin story. “You’re shorter than I expected,” she sniffed. “Compensated by charm and a really nice watch,” Barkley replied smoothly, giving her the full-fluff head tilt. It worked. She barked out a laugh — the kind that sounded like therapy and tequila. Over the next two hours, Barkley worked his magic. He complimented her taxidermy art. He pretended to care about royal spreadsheets. He listened with wide, soulful eyes as she recounted the time she fell in love with a pug named Stefano who left her for a pastry chef. “He was flaky,” she whispered, voice thick with pain and metaphor. Then, at the peak of emotional vulnerability, as she clutched her goblet of triple-shot tiramisu liqueur, Barkley slipped away. Down the hall. Through the pantry. Past a guard playing Sudoku with a ferret. Into the vault. There it sat. The Sacred Bean. It pulsed gently with caffeine and political intrigue. Barkley reached for it, paws trembling. “Halt!” Shit. The steward. A pit bull in formal robes. He looked like someone who once bit a priest and blamed it on allergies. Barkley did what any professional would do. He farted. Not a cute fart. No. This was an event. A long, slow honk of fermented cheese and travel stress, followed by a look of utter innocence. The pit bull froze. He blinked. Barkley swore he saw a tear form. The dog turned and fled. Barkley grabbed the bean and ran. He burst out of the palace, cape flying behind him (he’d found it in the hallway and decided it completed the look). Vince was waiting at the exit, holding what appeared to be a hoverboard made from baguettes and espresso motors. “You got it?” Vince grinned. Barkley held up the bean. “No decaf for the masses!” “To revolution!” Vince shouted. They rode off across the sky, yelling insults at the royals and leaving a trail of croissant crumbs in their wake. The Sacred Bean glowed brighter in Barkley’s paw, signaling change — and possibly indigestion. Back on the train platform that only appeared to those in need, a new bench waited. A new suitcase. A new story to begin. But for now, Barkley and Vince flew into the dusk, fueled by chaos, caffeine, and the undeniable truth that freedom sometimes comes wearing boots and a beret. And yes, Barkley peed on a Corgistan flag on the way out. Because legends aren't born. They're brewed.     Inspired by Barkley’s daring leaps across platforms, portals, and pastry-filled revolutions? Bring home a piece of the legend with our exclusive "Tails from the Train Station" collection. Whether you want to hang the adventure on your wall, send it to a friend, scribble down your own escapades, or just stick a little mischief wherever it fits — we’ve got you covered. 🧵 Tapestry – Bring Barkley’s world into your own lair 🌲 Wood Print – Rustic charm with rebel energy ✉️ Greeting Card – Send someone a tale they won’t forget 📓 Spiral Notebook – Jot down your own espresso-fueled missions 🐾 Sticker – Tiny Barkley, infinite mischief Available now on shop.unfocussed.com — because legends like Barkley deserve to travel with you.

by Bill Tiepelman

Stillness Under the Sporelight

The Girl Who Didn't Blink It is said—by unreliable drunks and slightly more reliable dryads—that if you wander too far into the gloom-glow of the Bristleback Woods, you might stumble upon a girl who doesn’t blink. She doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t giggle at your forest selfies or ask where you’re from. She just stands there, under a mushroom so large it could double as the Sistine Chapel of the Mycology Realm, radiating both stillness and a low-key vibe of “touch my spores and die.” Her name, if she has one, is Elspa of the Cap, though no one’s ever heard her say it out loud. Her silver hair falls in gravity-defying sheets like she’s perpetually caught mid-turn in a shampoo commercial. Her eyes are the kind of sharp that slice through pretense, and her cloak? A living fabric of moss and firefly-thread, stitched together by whispering mycelium monks who worship the god of decay (who, fun fact, is also the god of excellent cheese). Now, Elspa isn’t just loitering there for aesthetics. She’s a Protector. Capital P. Assigned to the Eastern Sporeshield—a literal and metaphysical barrier between the mortal world and That Which Seeps. It’s a thankless gig. Her shift is eternal. Her dental plan is nonexistent. And if she had a dime for every time a wandering bard tried to “charm the mushroom maiden,” she could afford a lakeside vacation and a decent exfoliant. But this evening, something is... off. The spores are flickering in odd rhythms, the ground hums with unsettled anticipation, and a group of lost humans—three influencers and one guy named Darren who just wanted to pee—have stepped too far into the border glow. Elspa watches. Still. Silent. Serene. Then she sighs the kind of sigh that could age wine. “Great,” she mutters to no one in particular. “Darren’s about to pee on an ancient Root Node and summon a shadow lichen. Again.” And thus, her vigil—eternal and itchy in places no cloak should itch—enters a new, ridiculous chapter. Lichen, Influencers, and the Ancient Sass If Elspa had a silver for every idiot who tried to commune with the forest by urinating on it, she could build a sky-bridge to the upper canopy, install a clawfoot bath, and retire in a hammock spun from cloud silks. But alas, Elspa of the Cap does not operate in silver. She operates in responsibility, rolled eyes, and ancient fungal contracts etched in rootblood. So when Darren—poor, nasal-voiced, cargo-shorted Darren—unzipped next to a glowing root and muttered, “Hope this isn't poison ivy,” the ground didn’t just hum. It thrummed. Like a cello string plucked by a god with regrets. The Root Node pulsed once, angrily, and released a puff of glimmering black spores into Darren’s face. He blinked. Coughed. Then burped a sound that was unmistakably in iambic pentameter. “Uhh... Darren?” called one of the influencers—Saylor Skye, 28K followers, known for her bioluminescent makeup tutorials and recent controversial opinion that moss is overrated. Darren turned slowly. His eyes glowed with fungal intelligence. His skin had begun to crust over with the papery, rippling texture of creeping shadow lichen. He took a breath, and out came the kind of voice that usually requires two vocal cords and an angry wind deity. “THE SPORE SEES ALL. THE ROOT REMEMBERS. YOU HAVE DISRESPECTED THE CORDYCEPTIC ORDER. WE HUNGER FOR RECKLESS URINATION.” “Okay, so that’s new,” Saylor muttered, already positioning her ring light. “This could be amazing content.” Elspa of the Cap, meanwhile, was already five paces closer, her cloak rustling like gossip between old leaves. She did not run. She never runs. Running is for deer, scammers, and emotionally unavailable men. Instead, she glided, slow and deliberate, until she stood squarely between the possessed Darren and the viral thirst trap crew. She raised a single hand, fingers curled into a sigil known only to Protectors and three heavily intoxicated badgers who once wandered into a secret fungal monastery. The forest quieted. The glow dimmed. Even the lichen paused—briefly confused, as if realizing it had possessed the most aggressively average man in existence. “You,” Elspa said, her voice flat as a moss mat, “have less intelligence than a damp toadstool with commitment issues.” Darren twitched. “THE ROOT—” “No,” Elspa cut in, and the air around her tightened, like the woods themselves were holding their breath. “You don’t get to use Root Speech while wearing Crocs. I will literally banish you to the mulch plane where the beige lichens go to die of boredom.” The Root Lichen hesitated. Possession is a finicky thing. It depends greatly on the drama and dignity of the host. Darren, gods bless him, was leaking anxiety and ham sandwich energy. Not ideal for ancient fungal vengeance. “Let him go,” Elspa ordered, placing her palm gently on Darren’s forehead. A soft pulse of light radiated from her fingers, warm and wet like forest breath. The spores recoiled, hissing like steamed leeches. With a gasp and a burp that smelled alarmingly like button mushrooms, Darren collapsed into the leaf litter, blinking up at Elspa with the awe of a man who’d just seen God, and She had judged his soul and his choice of footwear. Saylor, never one to waste a moment, whispered, “Girl, that was badass. Are you like... a woodland dominatrix or something? You need a handle. What about, like, ‘Mushroom Queen’ or—” “I am a Sporelady of the Eastern Sporeshield, sworn to stillness, guardian of the hidden pact, and dispenser of ancient sass,” Elspa replied coolly. “But yes. Sure. ‘Mushroom Queen’ works.” At this point, the forest had resumed its usual whispering hum of bird-thoughts and moss-logic, but something deeper had stirred. Elspa could feel it. The Root wasn’t just reacting to Darren’s disrespect. Something below—far below—had opened one curious eye. A vast consciousness, old and rot-bound, roused from fungal dreaming. And that... was not great. “Okay, folks,” Elspa said, hands on her hips. “Time to go. Walk exactly where I walk. If you step on a fungus circle or try to pet the singing bark, I will personally feed you to the Sporeshogs.” “What's a Sporeshog?” asked one influencer with rhinestone eyebrows. “A hungry regret with tusks. Now move.” And so, under the watchful hush of the ancient forest, Elspa led them deeper—not out, not yet—but to an old place. A locked place. Because something had awakened beneath the spores, and it remembered her name. The girl who didn’t blink was about to do something she hadn’t done in four centuries: Break a rule. The Pact, the Bloom, and the Girl Who Finally Blinked Beneath the forest, where roots speak in silence and lichen stores secrets in the curve of their growth rings, the door waited. Not a door in the human sense—no hinges, no knob, no angry HOA notices nailed to its frame—but a swelling of bark and memory where all stories end and some begin again. Elspa hadn’t approached it in three hundred and ninety-two years, not since she’d last sealed it with her blood, her oath, and a very sarcastic haiku. Now she stood before it again, the influencers clustered behind her like decorative mushrooms—colorful, vaguely toxic, and very confused. “You sure this is the way out?” asked Saylor, nervously checking her live stream. Only four viewers remained. One of them was her ex. “No,” Elspa said. “This is the way in.” With a flick of her wrist, her cloak unfurled like wings. The mycelium that threaded through it responded, humming in a low, sticky vibration. Elspa knelt and pressed her palm to the door. The forest’s breath hitched. “Hey, Root Dad,” she whispered. The earth groaned in a language older than rot. Something enormous and thoughtful pressed its presence upward, like a whale surfacing through soil. “Elspa.” It wasn’t a voice. It was a knowing. A feeling that settled into your bones like damp regret. “You let a Darren pee on me,” the Root murmured, vaguely wounded. “I was on break,” she lied. “Had a mushroom smoothie. Terrible idea. Got distracted.” “You are unraveling.” And she was. She could feel it. The Protector’s stillness fraying at the edges. The sarcasm was a symptom. The sass, a defense. After centuries of anchoring the Eastern Sporeshield, her spirit had begun to stir in inconvenient directions—toward action, toward change. Dangerous things, both. “I want out,” she said quietly. “I want to blink.” The Root paused for several geological seconds. Then: “You would give up stillness for movement? Spore for spark?” “I would give up stillness to stop feeling like furniture with back pain.” Behind her, Darren groaned and rolled over. One of the influencers had found cell service and was watching conspiracy theories about mushroom-based cults on YouTube. Elspa didn’t turn around. She didn’t need to. She was watching them all, in the way that only something still can truly watch—deep, unblinking, patient. “I’ll train another,” she said. “Someone younger. Maybe a squirrel. Maybe a girl who doesn’t speak in hashtags. Someone who isn’t tired.” The Root was silent. Then, finally, it cracked. A thin seam opened along the bark, revealing a soft, amber light from within—a warm glow like a memory you almost forgot, waiting to be held. “Then you may pass,” the Root said. “But you must leave the Cloak.” That stopped her. The Cloak was not just fabric—it was every vow, every buried pain, every flicker of fungal wisdom stitched into shape. Without it, she would be... only Elspa. No longer Protector. Just a woman. With a really overdue nap ahead of her. She shrugged it off. It fell to the ground with a whisper that shook sap from the trees. Elspa stepped into the amber light. It smelled like petrichor, fresh mushrooms, and the breath of something that had never stopped loving her, not once, in four hundred years. The influencers watched, mouths open, thumbs frozen over “record.” Saylor whispered, “She didn’t even grab her cloak. That’s so raw.” Then the Root Door closed, and she was gone. — They never saw her again. Well, not as she had been. The new Protector appeared the next spring: a young woman with wild hair, a suspiciously intelligent squirrel assistant, and the Cloak reborn in softer threads. She didn’t speak much, but when she did, her sarcasm could fell a grown troll. And somewhere far away, in a small cottage grown from a ring of mushrooms under a sunset that never quite ended, Elspa blinked. She laughed. She learned to burn food again. She made very bad wine and worse friends. And when she smiled, it always looked just a little like the forest was smiling with her. Because sometimes, even protectors deserve to be protected. Even the still must someday dance. And the sporelight, for once, did not fade.     If Elspa’s quiet rebellion, her sacred sarcasm, and the glow of the sporelight linger in your thoughts—why not bring a little of that stillness home? From enchanted canvas prints that breathe life into your walls, to metal prints that shimmer like bioluminescent bark, you can take a piece of the Eastern Sporeshield with you. Curl up with a plush throw pillow inspired by her legendary cloak, or carry forest magic wherever you wander with a charming tote bag straight from Elspa’s dream cottage. Let her story settle into your space—and maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel the forest watching back.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Split-Pawed Snorticorn

The Cursed Cupcake Incident In the heart of the Bewildering Wood — a place where reality tended to forget its pants — there lived a kitten named Fizzle. But not just any kitten. Fizzle was a chimera: half tabby, half cream puff, with a unicorn horn that glowed when he sneezed and tiny bat wings that flapped angrily when someone stole his snacks. Which, to be fair, was often. Because Fizzle had a very punchable face — adorable, yes, but the kind that just screamed “I licked your donut.” Fizzle had no idea how he came to be the universe’s most bizarre mashup of cuteness and chaos. Some say he was cursed by a bored forest witch who got ghosted by a dating app algorithm. Others claim he was the result of a late-night tequila-fueled spell gone wrong involving two cats, one gremlin, and a drunken unicorn. All Fizzle knew was this: his life was a relentless carousel of unwanted attention, absurd quests, and inexplicable cupcake-related incidents. Case in point: on the morning our tale begins, Fizzle awoke to find a cursed red velvet cupcake sitting neatly on a mossy log outside his mossier tree stump. It pulsed ominously. It sparkled obscenely. It smelled like cinnamon, regret, and demonic frosting. “Oh no,” Fizzle muttered, his voice that of a surprisingly deep British butler trapped in a kitten’s body. “Not again.” Last time he ignored a cursed pastry, his wings turned into rubber chickens and his meow summoned tax auditors. But if he ate it? Well, he'd probably be turned into a moon or something equally inconvenient. The cupcake gave a seductive little shimmy. Fizzle gave it the finger. (Figuratively. He didn’t technically have fingers. But the glare did the job.) Just then, a scroll burst into flame mid-air and dropped onto his head. It read: “Oh Glorious Split-Pawed Snorticorn! You have been chosen to embark upon a sacred journey. Save the village of Gloomsnort from its existential dread. You will be compensated in baked goods.” “Nope,” Fizzle said, tossing the scroll into a puddle. It promptly turned into a swarm of motivational bees that buzzed things like “You’ve got this!” and “Believe in your tail!” and “Live. Laugh. Loot.” Fizzle sighed. He flexed his stubby wings, snorted a spark from his horn, and turned dramatically toward the east — which, in this part of the forest, was whatever direction your sarcasm pointed. “Fine,” he muttered, rolling his eyes so hard they almost dislocated. “Let’s go save a bunch of sad peasants from whatever emo nonsense they’ve gotten themselves into this week.” Thus began the legend of the most reluctant, snarky, and snack-obsessed hero the realm had never asked for — but was probably going to get anyway. Gloomsnort’s Emotional Support Goblins By the time Fizzle reached the outskirts of Gloomsnort — a town famous for its moaning fog, emotionally repressed turnips, and aggressively mediocre poetry scene — he already regretted everything. His fur had frizzed from a sudden cloud of passive-aggressive lightning. His horn had been used by a flock of caffeine-addicted sprites as a stirring stick. And worst of all, he’d run out of his emergency cheese crackers. The town gate — which was really more of a fence that had given up on itself — creaked as Fizzle nudged it open. A sentry goblin slumped in a folding chair, wearing a vest labeled “Security-ish” and eating a pickle with deep, philosophical sadness. “Name?” the goblin asked without enthusiasm. “Fizzle,” the kitten replied, brushing soot off his wings. “Chimera. Snorticorn. Destroyer of mild inconveniences. Possibly your last hope, depending on the budget.” The goblin blinked slowly. “That sounds made up.” “So does your mustache,” Fizzle deadpanned. “Let me in.” He was waved through without another word, mostly because nobody in Gloomsnort had the energy to argue with a creature whose horn was currently sparking with repressed rage and low blood sugar. The town square looked like a failed pop-up therapy festival. Banners hung limply with slogans like “Feelings Are Fine (Sometimes)” and “Hug Yourself Before You Mug Yourself.” A trio of goblin buskers was attempting an interpretive dance about the dangers of unprocessed grief while juggling meat pies. No one was watching. Except for a one-eyed newt with a monocle. The newt was weeping. “This place needs a mood swing and a disco ball,” Fizzle muttered. From the shadows emerged a cloaked figure with the vibe of someone who definitely journaled with scented ink. She introduced herself as Sage Crumpet, High Priestess of the Cult of Complex Emotions and Chief Warden of the Town’s Existential Crisis Inventory. “We’re so glad you came,” she said, eyes full of haunted sparkle. “Our entire village has lost its will to brunch. The espresso machines only weep now.” “Tragic,” Fizzle said flatly. “And what, precisely, am I expected to do about it?” She handed him a soggy parchment. It read: “Find the source of the malaise. Neutralize it. Optional: hug it out.” Fizzle sighed and popped his neck. “Let’s start with the usual suspects. Cursed artifacts? Undead therapists? Rogue poets with God complexes?” “We suspect… it’s the fountain,” Crumpet whispered. “The town’s emotional support fountain?” Fizzle asked. “Yes. It’s… begun to give advice.” Now, advising fountains weren’t new in this realm. The Elven city of Faelaqua had one that whispered self-care tips and passive-aggressive reminders to moisturize. But Gloomsnort’s fountain was reportedly speaking in ALL CAPS and demanding tribute in the form of scented candles and cryptic performance art. When Fizzle approached the fountain — which looked suspiciously like a repurposed birdbath covered in motivational moss — it began vibrating ominously. “I AM THE FONT OF INNER TURMOIL,” it bellowed. “BRING ME THE UNRESOLVED DREAMS OF YOUR CHILDHOOD OR BE FOREVER INFLUENCED BY DISCOUNT WELLNESS PODCASTS.” “Oh great,” Fizzle muttered, “a sentient Tumblr post with delusions of grandeur.” The fountain burbled menacingly. “SNORTICORN. I KNOW YOUR SHAME. YOU ONCE TRIED TO CAST A SPELL BY YELLING ‘FIREBALL’ AT A CANDLE.” “That’s called experimenting,” Fizzle snapped. “And it mostly worked. The curtain never fully recovered, but—” “SILENCE! YOU MUST FACE THE FORBIDDEN SPIRIT OF YOUR OWN REPRESSED WHIMSY. OR I WILL FLOOD THIS VILLAGE WITH PUMPKIN SPICE TEARS.” Before Fizzle could argue, the air cracked like a therapy bill, and from the fountain rose a swirling mist that took the shape of… a lizard. A very tall, muscular, improbably oiled lizard with sparkly eyes, a leather vest, and the voice of a late-night jazz DJ. “Well, hello there,” the lizard purred. “You must be my inner trauma.” “I sincerely hope not,” Fizzle said, backing up a pawstep. “I’m Lurvio,” the lizard said, stretching in slow motion. “I’m your unresolved ambition to be taken seriously while also being adorable and mildly unhinged.” “You’re a lot,” Fizzle said. “Like, too much lizard and not enough metaphor.” “Let’s tango,” Lurvio said, summoning a glowing banjo and an audience of giggling will-o’-the-wisps. And so, naturally, they danced. Because that’s how these things go. Fizzle found himself locked in an increasingly absurd ritual known as the “Twirling of Suppressed Self-Realization,” which involved tap-dancing around literal baggage while the townsfolk clapped off-beat and Crumpet wept into a tissue shaped like her father’s disapproval. As the final banjo chord faded into existential moaning, Lurvio bowed and dissolved into sparkles, yelling, “LIVE YOUR TRUTH, YOU FLUFFY ICON!” The fountain stopped vibrating. The town sighed in relief. Somewhere, a turnip wrote a sonnet and smiled. “Did… did I just fix your town by emotionally breakdancing with my lizard shadow self?” Fizzle asked, panting. “Yes,” Crumpet sniffled. “You have healed our emotional fountain. We are, once again, brunch-capable.” Fizzle collapsed into a pile of dramatic sighs and muttered, “I better get a freaking cupcake for this.” The Rise and Mildly Inconvenient Fall of the Snorticorn The morning after the Lizard of Suppressed Whimsy exploded into sparkles, Gloomsnort awoke to something even more unsettling than emotional healing: hope. Villagers danced half-heartedly near the now-chill fountain, sipping herbal tea and debating whether their therapy goats could now be replaced with gratitude journals. Street vendors sold knockoff plushies labeled “Fizzle Plushicorns,” complete with detachable wings and tiny embroidered frowns. A bard had already written a ballad titled “The Horny Half-Cat Who Saved Our Souls.” Fizzle hated everything. He’d tried sneaking out before breakfast, but the moment he stepped out of his tavern room (decorated entirely in his likeness, which was as traumatic as it was poorly lit), he was mobbed by townsfolk demanding inspirational quotes, hair clippings, and in one case, advice on long-distance dating a banshee. “I’m not a guru, I’m a goblin piñata with better marketing,” he growled, snapping at someone trying to polish his horn. “The Snorticorn speaks in riddles!” someone gasped. “Write that down!” “It wasn’t a riddle, Brenda. It was sarcasm.” Just as he reached peak fluff-fueled meltdown, Sage Crumpet appeared with an official-looking scroll and a look of spiritual constipation. “There’s… been a development,” she said ominously. “The Council of Unwarranted Revelations has decreed that you are to be enshrined in the Eternal Temple of Tricky Destiny.” “That sounds made up.” “Oh it is. But it’s also very real. That’s how cults work.” Fizzle was herded (gently, and with far too many flower garlands) to the ceremonial Glimmer Dome — a converted hay barn full of twinkle lights, confetti cannons, and a suspicious number of motivational cats painted on the walls. A robed council stood at the center. One of them was a hedgehog. Nobody explained that. “We have seen the glitter in the goat’s entrails,” intoned the lead seer, who may or may not have been high on nutmeg. “You are the Snorticorn of Legend. You must now ascend to your final form.” “What in the caramel-dipped hells does that mean?” Fizzle snapped. “It means,” said Crumpet gently, “that you’re about to be sacrificed to fulfill the Prophecy of Snackrifice.” “Excuse me??” “You see,” she continued, “ancient texts foretold that a fluffy, grumpy creature with great sass and uneven fur would bring emotional balance — but only by being dunked in the Sacred Fondue of Final Realization.” Fizzle’s wings snapped to full mast. “YOU WANT TO MELT ME IN CHEESE?” “Only a little,” said Crumpet. “Symbolically. Maybe. We’re not really sure what counts as a ‘dunk.’ The texts are vague and partially written in glitter glue.” It was then, as he was eyeing the hot cauldron bubbling ominously with gouda, that Fizzle remembered who he was: a sarcastic, deeply tired chimera kitten who had survived cursed pastries, emotional fountains, and sexy metaphor lizards. And by all the snacks in the sacred pantry — he wasn’t about to become brunch. “NOPE,” he yelled, puffing up like a stress puffball and launching himself into the air with a surprisingly majestic flap of his bat wings. “I AM RETIRING FROM PROPHECIES. I’M GOING BACK TO MY TREE STUMP, AND I’M TAKING THE CEREMONIAL CROISSANTS WITH ME!” The crowd gasped. The seers tripped over their robes. The fondue splashed. And somewhere in the confusion, Fizzle set off a confetti cannon with his horn and disappeared in a puff of glitter and sass. He wasn’t seen again for several weeks — not until a traveling raccoon bard spotted him lounging in a hammock woven from old scrolls, sipping coconut milk out of a skull cup, and muttering into a notebook labeled “New Prophecy Ideas: Less Fondue.” Gloomsnort slowly recovered from its hero-loss trauma. The plushie market crashed. The emotional support fountain eventually retired and opened a podcast. But now and then, when the fog rolls just right and someone lights a cinnamon candle of questionable origin, you might hear a faint voice on the wind whisper: “Live. Laugh. Snort.” And somewhere, Fizzle rolls his eyes and flips the sky the bird.     Take the Snorticorn Home (Without the Fondue Risk) If you laughed, sighed, or questioned reality while following Fizzle’s gloriously unhinged journey, you can now summon a piece of that chaotic charm into your own realm. Canvas prints and framed prints are available to bring mystical snark to your walls, while our delightfully impractical hero also graces greeting cards for those brave enough to send feelings in the mail. Want to scribble sarcastic wisdom like Fizzle himself? Grab a spiral notebook. Or declare your allegiance to weirdly heroic fluffballs with a sticker worthy of laptops, water bottles, or forbidden grimoire covers. Bring the magic home — because every space deserves a little snort-powered sass.

by Bill Tiepelman

Wizard of the Four Realms

Embers of the Pact In the lands before clocks, before kings, before carpets that flew or taxes that didn't, there lived a wizard known only as Calvax. Not a wizard — the wizard. Calvax the Boundless. Calvax the Irredeemable. Calvax, He Who Made the Elements Cry “Uncle.” Titles were easy to collect when you lived long enough to slap thunder across the face and drain a volcano like a fine scotch. He wasn’t born so much as assembled — carved by the roots of elder trees, tempered by the hiss of midwinter geysers, and given breath by a gust stolen from the lungs of a dying hurricane. No mother, no father, just the Four: Earth, Water, Fire, Air. They each took a piece of themselves and jammed them into the wrinkled hide of an old man-shaped golem, hoping he’d be wise, maybe helpful. Instead, they got a cranky old bastard with a god complex and a flair for sarcasm. He spent centuries pretending to protect the Realms. Planting forests here, flooding tyrants there, occasionally setting noblemen ablaze "by accident" when they strutted too close. But that was before the humans — oh, the humans — turned him into a bedtime story. They called him a myth, a fable, a “cautionary tale.” Imagine being cosmically handcrafted by nature itself only to be reduced to the narrative equivalent of a PSA about staying in school. That might’ve been the end of it. Calvax, still grumpy but dormant. Until one day, he stirred. Not because of duty. Not because the elements called him. No, he woke up because some arrogant little prince with too much cologne and not enough brain matter decided to dynamite a sacred grove… for a golf course. It wasn’t even a good one. Nine holes. Artificial turf. A margarita drone. Calvax stood at the edge of the smoldering grove, face cracked with fresh rage. Lava veins pulsed under one cheek, rain hissed down his beard, and moss reanimated across his temple like a slow curse. He hadn't looked this alive in 200 years. “Guess who's back, back again?” he muttered, voice gravel and thunder. “Tell your friends.” The elements whispered in his bones: **Vengeance. Fire. Reclamation. Snark.** He smiled, the kind of smile that made birds drop dead mid-air and made gods feel a little nervous. Because when Calvax gets mad, continents shift. And when he gets even? Oh honey, they rename maps. The Vile Vineyard of Varron Dax There are few things in life more dangerous than an immortal wizard with time on his hands. Especially one with a grudge. Calvax didn’t just want to punish the idiot prince who torched the sacred grove — he wanted to annihilate his legacy, humiliate his bloodline, and make his ancestors spin in their graves fast enough to generate clean energy. The target of his elemental vendetta was Prince Varron Dax, heir to the wine-bloated, scandal-riddled House Daxleford. A walking ego with a six-pack sculpted by court mages, teeth too perfect to be real, and a jawline that had ruined more peace treaties than plague. His offenses were many — wars for profit, deforestation for “aesthetic hunting grounds,” and the worst offense of all: he once tried to rebrand the moon. Called it “The Dax Pearl” and had it trademarked. He was an icon of mediocrity propped up by wealth, vanity, and an inner circle that doubled as a harem, a weapons cartel, and a PR agency. He lived in a palace made of white quartz and glass imported from shattered temples. A man who believed elemental shrines were just old rocks in need of explosives and a Pinterest board. So Calvax didn’t send a lightning bolt or erupt a volcano under his villa. That would be too fast. Too clean. No, he brewed something petty. Vile. Deliciously drawn-out. The kind of revenge that requires charts, enchanted ink, and a sarcasm-fueled ritual on a Tuesday. It began with the Vineyard Curse. Prince Varron’s favorite pastime was his exclusive “Apocalypse Rosé,” a wine harvested only once every lunar eclipse, made from grapes grown in the ash of sacred forest groves — including the one he’d destroyed. His private label had a six-year waiting list and came with a certificate of divine smugness. So Calvax hexed the soil under it. Not to kill the vines. No — to make them sentient. And moody. The vines woke screaming at sunrise. They wrapped around workers’ ankles, whipped at butlers, and demanded rights. Some started quoting existential philosophers. Others whispered gossip they shouldn’t know. One was overheard telling a noblewoman that her husband was cheating and had a wart “shaped like betrayal.” Within days, the vineyard was overrun with emotionally unstable flora, wailing about abandonment and wine exploitation. A rare breed of grape attempted to unionize. Bottles began to ferment into vinegar overnight. The most expensive casks turned to gelatinous goo with notes of regret and elderflower. Naturally, Prince Varron called in mages. Twelve of them. Expensive ones with silk robes and hollow morals. Calvax laughed. Then he sent them dreams — dreams of drowning in barrels of rosé, being strangled by grapevines whispering their childhood insecurities. By week’s end, three renounced magic. Two joined a monastery. One tried to marry a potted plant. But Calvax wasn’t finished. Oh, no. The vineyard was just Act One in his slow-motion destruction of House Daxleford. Next came The Wailing Well. Hidden under the palace’s west wing, it once whispered ancient truths to those who dared lean in. Varron, of course, had it converted into a cocktail well. Magic-infused rum. Sigh. So Calvax tweaked it. Now, anyone who drank from it would speak only in their darkest regrets for twenty-four hours. Court meetings turned into confessions. Daxleford guards admitted to stealing pants off dead enemies. Nobles sobbed over failed affairs, bribes, and unresolved issues with their childhood ponies. At a banquet, Varron himself took a shot of “Haunted Hibiscus” and, to the horror of every ambassador present, blurted out that he had forged his entire military record and once cried when he broke a nail during a duel he didn’t show up to. Foreign dignitaries left in disgust. Treaties were annulled. A wedding between Varron’s cousin and the Frost King’s son was called off due to "unrelenting douchebaggery." Then came the dreams. Not just for the prince. For everyone. At night, the skies over Daxleford turned cloudy with faces — elemental, glowing, sneering. Each peasant and noble alike saw visions of Calvax’s return: the bearded wrath of Earth, Water, Fire, and Air, laughing with wild-eyed delight. People began fleeing the kingdom in droves. Carts were loaded, palaces abandoned. Even the rats packed up and left letters of resignation. Still, Prince Varron remained. Or rather, hid. In his panic chamber. Surrounded by velvet and perfumed walls. Waiting. Hoping this was all a bad trip brought on by too much spiced mead and not enough moral fiber. But Calvax was just getting started. Revenge wasn't a moment. It was an arc. And the next chapter was not just about humiliation. It was about ruin. The Crown of Cinders The final blow was not a scream or a fireball. It wasn’t even a flood or a landslide — though Calvax toyed with all those options during a particularly satisfying bath in molten basalt. No, the fall of Prince Varron Dax came on the wings of a whisper. A name. Spoken softly. Carried on the wind like gossip with fangs. “He knows.” No one knew who said it first. Perhaps a maid. Perhaps a goat. Perhaps the breeze itself, now loyal to the ancient wizard who once seduced a thunderstorm into loyalty and made a hurricane blush. But once those words spread, the court unravelled like a badly tied corset at an orgy. He knows. He knows what you did. Where you hid it. Who you paid. Who you slept with. Who you had executed on a dare. He knows. And he’s coming. Not for justice. Not for peace. But for entertainment. Calvax was no longer just a wizard. He was inevitability with a beard. The prince’s inner circle fell first — not by sword or spell, but by fear-induced dumbassery. The Minister of Coin set the treasury on fire to “hide the evidence.” The Royal General shaved her head, put on a robe, and fled to live with the badgers. The High Priest tried to exorcise himself. Twice. One noble tried to bribe Calvax with enchanted silk sheets. Calvax turned him into a perfectly folded napkin that weeps during dinner. Even the prince’s famed pleasure dome — a rotating carousel of glass and moonlight — simply shattered under the weight of anxiety and unpaid elemental debts. Apparently the air spirits don’t take late fees lightly. And where was Varron Dax, during this crumbling, flaming, totally-earned disaster? Cowering. Beneath the palace. In the Chamber of Forgotten Bones. Wrapped in mink and mead-stained shame. He hadn’t shaved in weeks. His jawline, once insured by seven different kingdoms, was now hidden behind the tragic fuzz of existential dread. He whispered to himself in the dark: “He’s just a myth. A scary story. A bedtime tale for peasants and druids.” Then the stones began to weep. Real tears. Granite sobbing, ancient marble moaning. And through the cracks in the chamber ceiling, a vine pushed through — not green, but blackened with fury and wet with ancient memory. Calvax entered the chamber without opening a door. The air folded around him like it owed him money. His robes moved as if stitched by weather itself — lightning hemming the cuffs, rainwater rolling off the folds, embers dancing across the seams. His eyes gleamed — one burning coal, the other a drop of ocean so cold it ached to look at. Varron stood. Or tried. His knees, having been raised on velvet and cowardice, gave out. “You… you can’t,” Varron stammered, pointing a ring-clad finger. “You’re not real. I outlawed you. I made a decree. You’re obsolete!” Calvax snorted. “You also decreed that water could be flammable and that pigs could vote. How’d that work out?” “You’re a relic,” Varron spat, grasping for any kind of leverage. “No one believes in you anymore.” Calvax stepped forward. The air chilled. Flames in the prince’s panic-lanterns died mid-flicker. Even the stone bones embedded in the walls turned to look. “I don’t require belief,” Calvax said. “I require consequences.” With one wave of his hand, the ground trembled, then bloomed — not with roses, but with the ghosts of trees. The sacred grove returned, if only in spirit, growing through the cracks, roots of memory twisting around marble columns, wrapping the prince in vines of remorse and poetic justice. “You destroyed what you didn’t understand,” Calvax whispered. “You mocked what you couldn’t master. And now… you face the only thing left: me.” Varron opened his mouth to scream — but no sound came. His voice, Calvax decided, would be put to better use elsewhere. When the people of Daxleford returned months later, the palace was gone. In its place stood a massive tree — towering, ancient, and humming with elemental power. From one gnarled branch, a face-shaped knot wept mead. And in the wind, sometimes, you could hear a voice mutter: “I should’ve just planted a stupid orchard.” Calvax? He vanished. Or perhaps he simply moved on. Legends said he wandered north, where the ice moans and the auroras whisper dirty jokes. Others say he became the mountain itself. But one thing is certain: if you hear the trees laugh, if the wind chuckles, if your wine tastes a little judgmental — he’s watching. And if you’re very, very lucky… he’s only amused.     Bring the Magic Home Feeling a strange urge to hex your living room? Want to carry a little elemental vengeance to the farmer’s market? Or maybe you just want to wrap yourself in the smoldering wrath of an ancient wizard while binge-watching morally questionable TV? You're in luck. The legendary artwork behind Wizard of the Four Realms is available in enchanted object form — no arcane training required. Whether you're a lover of fantasy art, a chaos gremlin with good taste, or someone just tired of blank walls and boring blankets, there’s something here for you: 🔥 Metal Print – Give your space a bold, elemental glow with a high-gloss finish that practically radiates power. 🌊 Acrylic Print – Crystal-clear depth and mesmerizing vibrance — as if Calvax himself enchanted your walls. 🌿 Tote Bag – Carry the power of all four realms with you, whether you’re grocery shopping or cursing exes from afar. 🌬️ Fleece Blanket – Cozy up with elemental fury. Warning: may provoke dreams of vengeance and excellent snark. Honor the grove. Hug the magic. Decorate with wrath. Shop the full collection now and turn your realm into something truly unforgettable.

by Bill Tiepelman

Madame Mugwort’s Morning Ritual

The Brew Before the Boom Madame Mugwort did not tolerate interruptions before her first cup. Not from the crows, not from the spirits in the attic, and especially not from the overly chipper nymph next door who thought singing to her begonias at sunrise was an acceptable life choice. “If I wanted a warbling root sprite to assault my morning, I'd have adopted a satyr,” Mugwort muttered, yanking the curtains shut with a gnarled hand that glowed faintly with anti-joy warding charms. The kettle, of course, was already screeching — not in the mundane whistling sense, but in the proper banshee-on-fire kind of way. It was enchanted to alert the undead neighbors to mind their own grave plots. Mugwort shuffled toward it, her patchwork slippers whispering secrets to the floor as she passed. With the steam of something possibly caffeinated and vaguely alive curling from the spout, she poured the boiling brew into a carved mug etched with wards, glyphs, and the occasional passive-aggressive sigil. “For Clarity and Calm,” read the bottom — a lie so bold it shimmered slightly in the morning sun. She took a sip. Then another. The room exhaled. Somewhere, a distant thunderclap retreated sheepishly. Her left eyebrow — once raised with perpetual suspicion — slowly lowered to its resting state of "I’m still watching you, but I’ll allow it." As the potion settled into her bones, Mugwort peered out over her wooden sill, where the fog rolled in like a hangover made of mist. The birds didn’t chirp. They knew better. One particularly bold bluejay gave a brief squawk, then exploded into glitter — she’d warned them about the perimeter rune. Natural selection was tough but effective in the Wyrdwood. She pulled her shawl tighter, the tartan fabric absorbing the morning's strange energies like a cozy sponge of ancestral sass. Each thread was stitched with a lesson. “Don’t trust a druid who can’t cook,” read one. “Wolves lie. Owls eavesdrop. Fae flirt to steal your soul. And never date a man who insists on being called ‘Sorcerer Supreme’ — he probably still lives with his mother.” Today, she thought, would be the day. The omen-teabags had all dissolved into phallic shapes. The mirror had winked at her twice. And the squirrel council outside had left three acorns stacked in the unmistakable shape of a middle finger. Yes. Today was the day she’d been avoiding for 147 years, 2 months, and an inconvenient Tuesday: she would face her past. Or at least open the damn letter still sealed in that cursed green envelope on the mantel. The one that hummed quietly. The one that occasionally belched sparks. But first, another sip. Because even when destiny is scratching at your front door wearing a trench coat and nothing else, you do not — do not — deal with it until the mug is empty. She took a deep breath, adjusted her headscarf with a flourish that made a moth faint in admiration, and muttered: “Alright, destiny. You cheeky bastard. Let’s dance. Just… gimme five more minutes.” The Envelope of Unresolved Shenanigans Five minutes turned into twenty-two. Not that time flowed normally in Mugwort’s cottage. The grandfather clock was sentient, petty, and entirely unreliable — having fallen in love with a coatrack in 1893, it refused to chime until she reunited them. Mugwort, of course, refused on principle. The coatrack had splinters and bad taste in hats. She sat in her creaky rocking chair, the mug now empty save for a sentient tea leaf clinging to the rim like a drunk sailor. The glow in her eyes dimmed slightly as she stared at the envelope — forest green, wax-sealed with a thorny insignia, and pulsing like a guilty heartbeat. She sighed with all the weight of a woman who’s lived through five pandemics, three invasions, and an unfortunate summer fling with a shapeshifter who never quite learned boundaries. “If this damn letter contains another prophecy about the end of the world, I swear I’ll burn down the oracle’s hot tub,” she muttered, lifting the envelope with the caution usually reserved for dragons, cursed cheese, or fan mail. Her fingers trembled slightly. Not from fear — from irritation. “Let it be known,” she said aloud to the furniture, “that if this turns out to be from my ex, I will personally hex every pair of his underwear into sentient, clingy vines.” The wax melted with a hiss as she tapped it with her thumbnail. The letter unfolded itself — of course it did — revealing ink that shimmered between gold and blood red, depending on how guilty you felt reading it. Mugwort’s eyes narrowed as the words appeared in dramatic, over-performed cursive: “Dearest Elmira Mugwort, the Time Has Come.” “Oh, piss off,” she grunted. “It’s always come. When was the last time someone wrote me saying ‘Never mind, the Time is taking a nap’?” The letter continued, oblivious to her contempt: “A great unraveling approaches. You must travel to the Forgotten Marsh, seek the Tower of Neveragain, and retrieve the Cup of Eternal…” She stopped reading. Her eye twitched. “Nope.” She flung the parchment across the room. It burst into harmless blue flames, dissolved into ash, and reassembled itself midair back in her lap like a desperate ex with access to your cloud backups. “You must go,” it insisted in a new font — sassier this time, Comic Sans with divine authority. She took a deep, world-weary breath. “I knew this day would come. I just hoped it would arrive after I’d reincarnated as a pampered house cat with excellent posture.” Dragging herself from the chair with exaggerated drama, she retrieved her travel sack — a patchwork leather thing that smelled of licorice, old books, and poor decisions. She opened her herb drawer, which promptly scolded her. “You haven’t replenished your migraine bark in a month,” it said in her mother’s voice. “And don’t think I didn’t notice you using parsley instead of wyrmroot in the stew last Thursday.” “Wyrmroot gives me gas,” Mugwort snapped. She shoved in a vial of dream-dust, three goblin crackers, and a sarcastic spoon that whispered unsolicited advice. Her staff — gnarled, beautiful, and slightly passive-aggressive — leaned against the wall humming show tunes. She grabbed it. It sighed. “Don’t start,” she warned. “We’re doing this because some mystical postal system insists on dragging me into destiny one more damn time.” As she prepared to leave, the fireplace rumbled. A face appeared in the flames — haughty cheekbones, smoky eyes, and the unmistakable expression of someone who’d attended too many secret council meetings. “Elmira,” it said. “Flamefax, if you’re about to tell me I’m ‘the only one who can stop this,’ I will slap your manifestation with a frozen fish.” He blinked. “Well, technically it’s you and a band of—” “NOPE. We are not assembling a ragtag crew of misfits again. The last one ended with a stolen goat, a possessed ukulele, and a restraining order from the Merfolk Guild.” “They lifted that, didn’t they?” “Only on alternating Tuesdays during waning moons.” The fireface sighed. “Look, Mugwort, you don’t have to do this alone. The prophecy says—” “The prophecy can kiss my tartan arse.” She blew out the flame with a single puff. It gave a mournful little wheeze and vanished. Mugwort stood there, arms crossed, lips pursed, considering the absurdity of yet another magical quest at her age. “You’d think I’d earned my magical menopause and could finally be left alone to ferment gin and judge people’s chakras,” she grumbled. But a flicker of something stirred inside her — not obligation, not even curiosity. Just the faintest itch of unfinished business. The kind that gets under your nails and whispers, you’re not done yet, old girl. She stared at the morning sun now breaking through the trees — not golden, but coppery like a coin flipped too many times. A decision made. A door opening. Or at least creaking on its hinges, demanding WD-40 and a little courage. “Fine,” she said aloud, cinching her robe, tightening her headscarf, and adjusting a satchel now wriggling with half-sentient luggage. “But I swear, if I see one more Chosen One with a dramatic haircut and no impulse control, I will turn them into a newt with IBS.” With that, Madame Mugwort stepped out of her crooked door, onto the winding path of destiny, with a snarky smirk, a glowing staff, and a mug full of now-cold tea in hand. Because if she was going to face fate, she’d do it the same way she did everything: On her own terms — and fashionably late. The Curse, the Cup, and the Cataclysmic Conclusion The road to the Forgotten Marsh was less a road and more a disrespectful suggestion carved by lightning, spite, and budget cuts. Mugwort’s boots squelched with every step, each one producing a squish that sounded vaguely like moaning frogs reconsidering their life choices. “This,” she muttered, swatting at a mosquito the size of a grapefruit, “is why I don’t take prophecies seriously. If the gods wanted me in a swamp, they could’ve sent wine and a raft.” Her staff, always eager to antagonize, lit up with a dramatic flash to illuminate a twisted sign nailed to a skeletal tree. “WARNING: Here There Be Mild Inconvenience.” Beneath that, in smaller text: Also Death. But Mugwort wasn’t fazed. She’d faced worse in her prime. She’d unseated the King of Spiders with a ladle, divorced a god for bad foot hygiene, and once banished a plague demon by insulting its eyebrows until it gave up on existence. Still, the Tower of Neveragain loomed ahead, rising like an unsolicited group text — tall, ominous, and impossible to ignore. Its stones wept moss and curses. Lightning forked around its top like celestial jazz hands. And perched at the entrance, guarding it with the enthusiasm of a cat watching a dripping tap, was a sphinx with half a crossword puzzle and an attitude problem. “Answer my riddle and—” it began. “Nope,” Mugwort interrupted, flipping a coin at it. “That’s not how—” “You’re lonely. You're underpaid. You're tired of your own riddles. Take the coin, buy yourself a pastry, and let me pass.” The sphinx blinked. Sniffed the coin. Licked it. Shrugged. “Screw it. Go ahead.” Inside, the tower spiraled upward in that ancient way designed by architects who hate knees. Mugwort climbed, wheezing curses at every other stair. The walls whispered forgotten secrets, mostly in passive-aggressive haikus. One read: Power lies aboveBut so does a rotting smellSeriously — yuck At the top, upon a pedestal pulsing with dramatic, overcompensating light, rested the Cup of Eternal ___________. That’s right. The name was missing. The blank shimmered, waiting for someone to define it — a cup shaped by intent, by need, by the drinker’s own desire. And Mugwort knew that was trouble. “This,” she said, eyeing it, “is exactly how Brenda ended up summoning her ex’s lower half attached to her new fiancé.” The room vibrated as a figure stepped out from the shadows. Tall, cloaked, and with a grin that could curdle goat milk: *Thistlebone the Unrelenting*, her former classmate and lifelong magical pain-in-the-arse. “Elmira,” he said smoothly, “you’re late.” “You’re still wearing eyeliner like it’s 1479,” she shot back. He sneered. “I’ve come for the cup.” “Oh, good. Then we can fight like in the old days. You monologue, I sass, something explodes. Shall we begin?” They circled. Staffs crackled. Potions boiled. Insults flew with deadly accuracy. He summoned fire. She summoned sarcasm. He cast illusions. She dispelled them with a look that said, “Boy, I raised better spells in my armpit.” Then he made a fatal mistake — he tried to call her “dear.” The air thickened. The mug, still clipped to her belt, hissed like a kettle before war. She raised it high, whispered an old word — one only spoken during funerals or tax season — and flung its contents straight at his face. He screamed. “WHAT WAS THAT?” “My third cup of Monday morning tea. Brewed in vengeance. Infused with truths. Boiled in regret.” He began shrinking. Hair falling out. Robes deflating. Until all that was left was a grumpy little newt with eyeliner. She scooped him up, dropped him in a glass jar, and slapped on a sticker that read: *“Do Not Feed the Narcissist.”* Now alone, she approached the cup again. It pulsed. The blank shimmered once more: “Cup of Eternal __________?” She stared. Thought. Sighed. Then chuckled. “Oh hell, why not.” She spoke a single word: “Peace.” The cup glowed. Warm. Gentle. The kind of glow that reminded her of soft blankets, fresh bread, and an afternoon where nothing and no one needed her to save the world or babysit destiny. She picked it up. No thunder. No burst of energy. Just a warmth that slid through her bones like a memory of laughter from someone long gone. Descending the tower was easier. Funny how clarity weighed less than dread. The swamp, too, seemed to part for her return — or perhaps it just feared another mug-splashing incident. The sphinx was gone, a trail of frosting leading into the trees. Back home, the fireplace was warm, the chair forgiving, and the tea freshly enchanted. She placed the cup on her mantel, beside a photo of her younger self — smirking, wild-eyed, and holding a goblin in a headlock. She raised her mug in salute. “Still got it, old girl.” The window creaked open. A breeze fluttered through. Somewhere, a raven dropped a scroll labeled “URGENT: Next Prophecy!” She caught it. Used it to light a candle. Sipped her tea. And smiled — because she finally understood: peace wasn't something you waited for. It was something you claimed. Even if you had to hex a bastard or two along the way.     Bring a Bit of Mugwort’s Magic Into Your Realm If you’ve fallen under the spell of Madame Mugwort and her gloriously grumpy rituals, you can now bring a piece of her enchanted world into your own. Whether you’re curling up under a fleece blanket steeped in witchy wisdom, propping your back with a throw pillow charmed with snark and plaid, or sipping tea while gazing at a canvas print or metal print that radiates mystical sass — you’ll find something to suit your vibe. You can even send a bit of her sarcasm to a friend with a greeting card worthy of the weird and wonderful. Each item is crafted to capture the depth, humor, and hearth-warmed charm of this legendary morning moment — perfect for witches, wise women, and chaotic good souls everywhere.

by Bill Tiepelman

Last Call at Gnome O’Clock

The Pint-Sized Provocateur There are taverns, and then there’s The Pickled Toadstool, a place so off-the-grid not even Google Maps could find it. Buried beneath a crooked willow stump at the far edge of Hooten Hollow, this snug little den of wooden stools, sticky floors, and questionable liqueurs was a well-kept secret among woodland folk. It had only two rules: no goblins on Thursdays, and if Old Finn the gnome is drinking tequila—just let him. Old Finn wasn’t just a regular. He was the reason the barkeep kept lime wedges in stock and the wallpaper perpetually smelled of salt and bad decisions. Clad in a lopsided red cap and a waistcoat that hadn't seen a button in decades, Finn was a legend, a cautionary tale, and a frequent health violation all rolled into one. He wasn't technically old—gnomes lived forever if they stayed away from lawnmowers—but he sure drank like he had nothing left to prove. On the night in question, Finn stumbled into The Pickled Toadstool with a swagger only the irreparably inebriated could pull off. He kicked open the acorn-hinged door, paused dramatically under the threshold like some kind of pointy-shoed gunslinger, and belched a wordless threat into the room. A hush fell. Even the pixies stopped mid-flutter. "I want," he said, pointing a stubby, gnarled finger at nobody in particular, "your finest bottle of whatever makes me forget the mating call of the red-breasted swamp goose." Jilly the bar-maiden, a flirty mushroom sprite with an eyebrow ring and zero patience, rolled her eyes and reached beneath the bar. Out came a bottle of Murkwood Gold—gnome-grade tequila, aged three months in a chipmunk skull and rumored to be illegal in three realms. She didn’t even bother pouring. She just handed it over like it was a loaded weapon. Finn grinned, popped the cork with his teeth, and took a swig so violent it made the tavern’s only decorative fern faint. He thumped his shot glass on the table (though he'd brought his own from a previous bar fight), sliced a lime with a blade he kept in his boot, and shouted, “TO BAD DECISIONS AND IRRITABLE BOWELS!” The cheer that followed shook the roots of the tree overhead. A hedgehog slurred something about streaking, a satyr passed out before he could object, and someone (no one ever admits who) summoned a conga line that trampled an entire chess game in progress. Chaos bloomed like a moldy turnip—and Finn was at the center, drunker than a troll at Oktoberfest, eyes twinkling like a raccoon who just found an unlocked dumpster. But as the night pressed on, the tequila ran low, the music got weirder, and Finn started asking existential questions no one was prepared to answer, like “Have you ever seen a squirrel cry?” and “What’s the moral weight of drinking pickle brine for money?” And that’s when things took a turn… Tequila Revelations and Mushroom Revelry Now, let’s be clear about something: when a gnome starts philosophizing with a half-empty bottle of Murkwood Gold and a lime wedge clutched in one hand like it’s an emotional support citrus, it’s time to either run or record the whole damn thing for folklore. But none of the drunken degenerates in The Pickled Toadstool had the good sense—or sobriety—for either. So instead, they leaned in. Finn had planted himself atop the bar like a prophet of the porcelain throne, beard stained with tequila dribbles, one boot missing, the other mysteriously containing a goldfish. He pointed to a confused possum wearing a monocle—Sir Slinksworth, who was mostly there for the free peanuts—and bellowed, “YOU. If mushrooms can talk, why don’t they ever text back?” Sir Slinksworth blinked once, adjusted his monocle, and slowly backed away into a broom closet, where he’d remain for the rest of the evening pretending to be a coat rack. Finn’s gaze swept the bar. He grabbed a nearby spoon and raised it like a conductor’s wand. “Ladies. Gentlefolk. Illegally sapient fungi. It’s time... for stories.” A cricket played a dramatic sting on a nearby leaf. Someone farted. And with that, the bar fell silent again as Finn leaned into his legend. “Once,” he began, wobbling slightly, “I kissed a troll under a bridge. She was beautiful in a ‘will definitely murder me’ kind of way. Hair like seaweed and breath like fermented cabbage. Mmm. I was young. I was stupid. I was... unemployed.” Jilly, wiping down the counter with something that might have once been a towel, muttered, “You’re still unemployed.” “Technically,” he countered, “I’m a freelance beverage tester and spiritual consultant.” “Spiritual consultant?” “I consult the spirits. They say, ‘drink more.’” The tavern erupted in cackles. A pixie fell off her stool and knocked over a bowl of glowing slugnuts. A squirrel danced on the bar with two acorns strategically placed where no acorns should be. The conga line had long since devolved into interpretive crawling, and a raccoon was vomiting behind a potted plant named Carl. But then came the lime. No one knows who started it. Some say it was Old Gertie, the barkeep’s pet newt. Others blame the twins—two bipedal weasels named Fizz and Gnarle who’d been banned from three fairy communes for “excessive nibbling.” But what’s certain is this: the lime fight began with one innocent toss... and escalated into full-blown citrus warfare. Finn took a lime square to the forehead and didn't flinch. Instead, he popped it in his mouth and spat the rind out like a watermelon seed, hitting a unicorn in the ear. That unicorn had rage issues. Chaos leveled up. Glass shattered. Someone pulled out a kazoo. The tavern’s chandelier—actually just a tangled wad of spider silk and glowworms—collapsed onto a group of druids who were too busy singing Fleetwood Mac backwards to notice. The air turned thick with lime pulp and salt spray. Finn was hoisted onto the shoulders of two inebriated field mice and declared, by popular vote, the “Minister of Bad Timing.” He waved regally. “I accept this non-consensual nomination with grace and the promise of moderate destruction!” And so, Minister Finn presided over what became known in local legend as The Great Lime Rebellion of Hooten Hollow. By midnight, the bar was a war zone. By 2 a.m., it had become an impromptu poetry slam featuring a drunken centaur who rhymed everything with “butt.” By 3:30, the entire establishment had run out of tequila, salt, limes, and patience. That’s when Jilly rang the bell. A single clang that cut through the noise like a knife through overripe brie. “Last call, you creatures of chaos. Finish your drinks, kiss someone questionable, and get the hell out before I start turning people into decorative mushrooms.” Everyone groaned. Someone actually wept. Finn, still wobbling, now wearing a pirate hat that was definitely a lettuce leaf, raised his shot glass for one final toast. “To terrible choices!” he shouted. “To memories we won’t remember and regrets we’ll enthusiastically repeat!” And with that, the entire bar echoed him back with drunken reverence: “TO GNOME O’CLOCK!” Outside, dawn was beginning to pink the sky. The first birds chirped sweet songs of impending hangovers. The revelers stumbled out, glitter-covered, grass-stained, and partially pantsless—but deeply, sincerely content. Except Finn. Finn wasn’t done yet. He had one more idea. One more terrible, beautiful, lime-soaked idea. And it involved a wheelbarrow, a jug of honey, and the mayor’s prized goose... The Goose, the Glory, and the Gnome Morning dew shimmered on the blades of grass like the universe itself was hungover. A foggy mist rolled across Hooten Hollow, disturbed only by the faint wobble of a single squeaky wheel. That wheel belonged to a rusted, slightly bloodstained wheelbarrow, careening down a slope with all the grace of a goat in roller skates. And at its helm? You guessed it—Finn the gnome, grinning like a maniac who had absolutely no business operating farm equipment. The honey jug was strapped to his chest with twine. The mayor’s goose—Lady Featherstone the Third—was tucked under his arm like an indignant accordion. And the plan? Well, “plan” is a generous word. It was more of a tequila-induced vision involving revenge, animal pageantry, and a deeply misguided attempt to start a new religion centered around fermented agave and poultry-based wisdom. Let’s rewind five minutes. After being ceremoniously ejected from The Pickled Toadstool via slingshot (an annual tradition), Finn had landed squarely in a hedge and muttered something about “divine enlightenment via waterfowl.” He emerged covered in burrs, wild-eyed, and on a mission. That mission, as far as anyone could tell, involved honey-glazing the mayor’s prized goose and declaring her the reincarnation of a forgotten gnome goddess named Quacklarella. Now, Lady Featherstone was not your average goose. She was a biter. A seasoned one. Rumor had it she once chased a dwarf through three provinces for insulting her plumage. She’d survived two magical floods, a karaoke night gone wrong, and a brief stint as an underground fight club champion. She was not, in any realm, fit for religious exploitation. But Finn, drunk on ego and corn liquor he found behind a log, disagreed. He slathered the goose in honey, placed a crown made of cocktail umbrellas on her head, and stood atop a stump to deliver his sermon. “Fellow forest beings!” he declared to a bewildered audience of chipmunks and two hungover dryads. “Behold your sticky savior! Quacklarella demands respect, snacks, and exactly two minutes of synchronized honking in her honor!” The goose, now furious and glistening like a honey-glazed ham, honked once—an unholy, vengeful sound that triggered several squirrels into fight-or-flight responses. Then she snapped her beak shut around Finn’s beard and yanked. What followed was chaos, pure and sweet like the honey still clinging to his socks. The wheelbarrow overturned. Finn tumbled into a patch of stinging nettles. The goose ran off flapping into the sunrise, trailing cocktail umbrellas and gnome curses. The townsfolk woke to find feathers everywhere, the town bell ringing (no one knew how), and a pamphlet nailed to the mayor’s door entitled “Ten Spiritual Lessons from a Goose Who Knew Too Much.” It was mostly blank except for a drawing of a martini glass and a deeply unsettling haiku about egg salad. Later that day, Finn was found passed out in the town fountain wearing nothing but a monocle and a boot filled with mashed peas. He was smiling. When asked what the hell had happened, he opened one eye and whispered, “Revolution… tastes like poultry and shame.” Then he belched, rolled over, and began humming a slow, melodic version of “Livin’ on a Prayer.” That week, the mayor passed a motion banning both goose coronations and gnome-led sermons within town limits. Finn was put on probation, which meant nothing, as he hadn’t followed rules since the invention of pickled turnips. Still, to this day, when the moon is full and the lime trees bloom, whispers travel through Hooten Hollow. They say you can hear the flapping of honey-soaked wings and the faint sound of a shot glass being slammed on ancient oak. And if you’re very quiet... you might just catch a glimpse of a bearded figure staggering through the woods, muttering about limes and lost royalty. Because some legends wear crowns. Others ride noble steeds. And some? Some wear a lettuce hat and rule the night... one bad decision at a time.     Bring the legend home: If Finn’s tequila-fueled chaos made you snort, giggle, or question your life choices, you're in good company. Commemorate this tipsy tale with exclusive merch from our Last Call at Gnome O’Clock collection. Whether you're into crisp metal prints, cozy wood prints, a cheeky greeting card to send to your drinking buddy, or a spiral notebook for your own questionable ideas—this collection captures every ounce of forest-fueled mischief and lime-soaked nonsense. Warning: may inspire spontaneous conga lines and unsolicited sermons.

by Bill Tiepelman

Cranky Wings & Cabernet Things

The Root of All Sass The forest hadn’t always been this irritating. Once upon a century or three ago, it was a quiet, dewy glade where deer pranced, squirrels politely asked to borrow acorns, and the mushrooms didn’t have delusions of poetry. Then came the influencers. The elf-folk with their glittery yoga mats. The centaur DJs thumping trance beats into the soil. And worst of all—gentrification by unicorns. Just because they crap rainbows doesn’t mean they belong on every enchanted hillside selling kombucha out of crystal flasks. She had had it. Her name was Fernetta D'Vine—though the locals just called her “That Wine Bitch in the Thicket.” And she was fine with that. Titles were for royalty and real estate agents. Fernetta was far more interested in her own domains: the mossy log she ruled from, her deep collection of fermented potions, and the daily ritual of glaring disapprovingly at every twit who dared prance past her glade without a permit—or pants. Today was a Tuesday. And Tuesdays were for Cabernet and contempt. Fernetta adjusted her wings with a groan. The years had left them creaky, like an old screen door that screamed when you opened it at 2 a.m. to sneak out for questionable decisions. Her dress, a glorious tangle of ivy and attitude, brushed the ground with a stately rustle as she lifted her goblet—no stemless nonsense here, thank you—and took a sip of what she called “Bitch Blood Vintage 436.” “Mm,” she muttered, eyes narrowing like a hawk spotting a tourist. “Tastes like regret and someone else's poor planning.” Just then, a chirpy little sprite buzzed into view, high on pollen and bad decisions. She wore a sunflower bra and had glitter in places that clearly hadn't been cleaned in days. “Hi Auntie Fernetta!” she squealed. “Guess what? I’m starting an herbal side hustle and wanted to gift you my new line of detox beetle-water enemas!” Fernetta blinked slowly. “Child, the only thing I detox is joy,” she said. “And if you flutter one wing closer with that fermented insect filth, I will personally shove that potion up your nectar hole and call it aromatherapy.” The sprite’s smile faltered. “Okayyy…well…namast-eeeeee!” she buzzed, zooming off to terrorize a willow tree. Fernetta took another sip, savoring the silence. It tasted like power. And maybe a little like last week’s berries soaked in disappointment, but still—power. “Fairies these days,” she muttered. “All glitter, no grit. No wonder the gnomes have gone into hiding. Hell, I’d hide too if my neighbors were lighting sage to align their chakra while farting through recycled leaves.” Just then, the rustling of bushes drew her attention. She slowly turned her head and muttered, “Oh look. Another woodland dumbass. If it’s one more damn bard looking for ‘inspiration,’ I swear by the crust in my wings I’ll hex his lute so it plays only Nickelback covers.” And from the underbrush stepped someone... unexpected. A man. Human. Middle-aged. Balding. Slightly confused and definitely in the wrong fairytale. He blinked. She blinked. A crow cawed. Somewhere in the distance, a mushroom wilted from secondhand embarrassment. “...Well,” Fernetta drawled, slowly standing. “This should be good.” Man Meat and Mossy Mayhem He stood there, mouth slightly ajar, looking like a half-baked biscuit who’d wandered into a renaissance faire after taking the wrong turn at a Cracker Barrel. Fernetta sized him up like a wolf eyeing a microwaved ham. He was wearing cargo shorts, a “World’s Best Dad” T-shirt that had clearly surrendered to time and coffee stains, and a confused expression that suggested he thought this was the line for the gift shop. In one hand he held a phone, blinking red with 3% battery. In the other, a laminated trail map. Upside down. “Oh,” she sighed, swirling her cabernet. “You’re one of those. Lost, divorced, definitely on your third midlife crisis. Lemme guess—you signed up for a ‘healing hike’ with your yoga instructor-slash-girlfriend named Amethyst and got ditched at the crystal cairn?” He blinked. “Uh… is this part of the nature tour?” She took one long, slow sip. “Oh sweetheart. This is the of your dignity tour.” He stepped forward. “Look, I’m just trying to get back to the parking lot, okay? My phone’s dead, and I haven’t had coffee in six hours. Also, I may have accidentally eaten a mushroom that was… glowy.” Fernetta chuckled, low and wicked, like a storm cloud amused at the idea of a picnic. “Well then. Congratulations, dumbass. You just licked the universe’s glitter cannon. That was a dreamcap. The next three hours are going to feel like you're being spiritually exfoliated by a raccoon wearing a therapist’s pants.” He swayed slightly. “I think I saw a talking chipmunk that said I was a disappointment to my ancestors.” “Well,” she said, slapping a mosquito off her shoulder with the grace of a drunk ballerina, “at least your hallucinations are honest.” She turned away, refilling her wine from a nearby stump that was—improbably—tapped like a keg. “So what’s your name, forest trespasser?” “Uh. Brent.” “Of course it is,” she muttered. “Every lost man who stumbles into my part of the woods is either named Brent, Chad, or Gary. You boys just roll off the production line with a six-pack of poor decisions and one good college memory you won’t shut up about.” He frowned. “Look, lady—fairy—whatever. I’m not trying to cause trouble. I just need to find the exit. If you could point me to the trailhead, I’d be—” “Oh, honey,” she interrupted, “the only head you’re getting is the one from the hallucination beaver who thinks you’re his ex-wife. You’re in my glade now. And we don’t just offer directions. We offer... lessons.” Brent paled. “Like... riddles?” “No. Like unsolicited life advice wrapped in sarcasm and aged in shame,” she said, raising her glass. “Now sit your crusty behind on that toadstool and brace yourself for an aggressive fairy intervention.” He hesitated. The toadstool made a suspicious farting noise as he lowered himself onto it. “What… kind of intervention?” Fernetta cracked her knuckles and summoned a cloud of wine vapor and attitude. “We’re gonna unpack your issues like a suitcase at a nudist colony. First of all: why the hell do you still wear socks with sandals?” “I—” “Don’t answer. I already know. It’s because you fear vulnerability. And fashion.” Brent blinked. “This feels… deeply personal.” “Welcome to the glade,” she smirked. “Now, tell me: who hurt you? Was it your ex-wife? Your daddy? A failed podcast about cryptocurrency?” “I… I don’t know anymore.” “That’s step one, Brent,” she said, standing tall, her wings shimmering with drunken menace. “Admit that you’re not lost in the woods. You are the woods. Dense. Confused. Filled with raccoons stealing your lunch.” Somewhere in the distance, a tree spontaneously caught fire out of sheer secondhand embarrassment. Brent looked like he was about to cry. Or pee. Or both. “And while we’re at it,” Fernetta snapped, “when did you stop doing things that made you happy? When did you trade wonder for spreadsheets and excitement for microwave burritos? Huh? You had magic once. I can smell it under your armpits, right between the regret and Axe body spray.” Brent whimpered. “Can I go now?” “No,” she said firmly. “Not until you’ve purged all the bro energy from your soul. Now repeat after me: I am not a productivity robot.” “…I am not a productivity robot.” “I deserve joy, even if that joy is weird and sparkly.” “…even if that joy is weird and sparkly.” “I will stop asking to ‘circle back’ during Zoom calls unless I’m literally chasing my own tail.” “…That one’s… hard.” “Try harder. You’re almost healed.” And just like that, the glade shimmered. The trees sighed. A chorus of frogs sang the opening bars of a Lizzo song. Brent’s third eye blinked open just long enough to witness a vision of himself as a disco lizard dancing on a tax return. He passed out cold. Fernetta poured the rest of her wine into the moss and said, “Another one converted. Praise Dionysus.” She sat back on her log, exhaled deeply, and added, “And that’s why you never ignore a fairy with wine and unresolved emotional bandwidth.” Hangover of the Fey Brent awoke face-down in moss, his cheek pressed lovingly against what may or may not have been a mushroom with opinions. The sun filtered through the treetops like judgmental fingers poking a sleeping shame sandwich. His head throbbed with the kind of ancient drumbeat usually reserved for tribal exorcisms and EDM festivals in abandoned warehouses. He groaned. The moss squelched back. Everything hurt—including some existential parts of him that had been long dormant, like hope, ambition, and the idea of ordering something other than chicken tenders at restaurants. Somewhere behind him, a teacup-sized voice chirped, “He lives! The human rises!” He rolled over to see a hedgehog. A talking hedgehog. Wearing a monocle. Smoking what was clearly a cinnamon stick fashioned into a pipe. “What fresh hell…” he muttered. “Oh, you’re awake,” came Fernetta’s voice, laced with her usual brand of sarcasm and sage-like disdain. “For a minute I thought you’d gone fully feral and joined the bark nymphs. Which, by the way, never do. They’ll braid your chest hair into dreamcatchers and call it a vibe.” Brent blinked. “I had… dreams.” “Hallucinations,” corrected the hedgehog, who offered him a shot glass of something that smelled like peppermint and regret. “Drink this. It’ll balance your aura and possibly reset your digestive tract. No promises.” Brent drank it. He instantly regretted it. His tongue recoiled, his toes curled, and he sneezed his deepest shame into a nearby fern. “Perfect,” said Fernetta, clapping. “You’ve completed the cleanse.” “Cleanse?” “The Spiritual Audit, darling,” she said, fluttering down from a branch like a disillusioned angel of sarcasm. “You’ve been assessed, emotionally undressed, and gently smacked with the stick of self-awareness.” Brent looked down at himself. He was wearing a crown made of twigs, a tunic fashioned from moss and squirrel fur, and a necklace of... teeth? “What the hell happened?” Fernetta smirked, taking another languid sip from her ever-present wine glass. “You got fairy drunk, emotionally baptized in pond water, told a fox your deepest fears, slow-danced with a sentient daffodil, and yelled ‘I AM THE STORM’ while peeing on a rune stone. Honestly, I’ve seen worse Tuesdays.” The hedgehog nodded solemnly. “You also tried to start a commune for divorced dads called ‘Dadbodonia.’ It lasted fourteen minutes and ended in a heated debate about chili recipes.” Brent groaned into his hands. “I was just trying to go on a hike.” “No one just hikes into my glade,” Fernetta said, poking him with her wine glass. “You were summoned. This place finds you when you’re on the brink. Teetering on the edge of becoming a motivational meme. I saved you from dad jokes and sports metaphors for feelings.” Brent looked around. The forest suddenly felt different. The light warmer. The colors sharper. The air thick with mischief and mossy wisdom. “So… what now?” “Now you leave,” Fernetta said, “but you leave better. Slightly less of a tool. Maybe even worthy of brunch conversation. Go forth into the world, Brent. And remember what you’ve learned.” “Which was…?” “Stop dimming your weird. Stop apologizing for being tired. Stop saying ‘let’s touch base’ unless you mean physically, with someone hot. And never—ever—bring boxed wine into a sacred grove again or I’ll hex your plumbing.” The hedgehog saluted. “May your midlife crisis be mystical.” Brent, still blinking in disbelief, took a few tentative steps. A squirrel waved him goodbye. A pinecone winked. A raccoon dropped a single acorn at his feet in symbolic solidarity. He turned once more to look at Fernetta. She raised her glass. “Now go. And if you get lost again, make it interesting.” And with that, Brent stumbled out of the glade and back into the world, smelling of moss, magic, and a hint of Cabernet. Somewhere deep inside, something had changed. Maybe not enough to make him wise. But enough to make him weird. And that, in fairy terms, was progress. Back in her glade, Fernetta sighed, stretched, and settled back on her mossy throne. “Well,” she muttered, sipping again. “Guess I’ll do mushrooms for dinner. Hope they don’t talk back this time.” And somewhere in the trees, the forest whispered, laughed, and poured another round.     🍷 Feeling personally attacked by Fernetta's sass? Well, now you can hang her grumpy face on your wall like a badge of chaotic enlightenment. Click here to see the full image in our Fantasy Characters Archive and grab your very own print, framed masterpiece, or license-worthy download. Perfect for wine witches, forest freaks, or anyone whose soul runs on sarcasm and Cabernet. Because let’s be honest—you either know a Fernetta… or you are one.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Howling Hat of Hooten Hollow

The Hat That Bit Back By the time Glumbella Fernwhistle turned ninety-seven-and-a-half, she’d stopped pretending her hat wasn’t alive. It gurgled when she yawned, belched when she ate lentils, and once slapped a squirrel clean out of a tree for looking at her mushrooms the wrong way. And not metaphorical mushrooms, mind you—actual fungi sprouting from the side of her floppy, overgrown headpiece. She called it Carl. Carl the Hat. Carl did not approve of sobriety, shame, or squirrels. This suited Glumbella just fine. She lived in a cobbled mushroom cottage on the edge of Hooten Hollow, a place so full of mischief that the trees had mood swings and the moss had opinions. Glumbella was the kind of gnome you didn’t visit unless you brought both a bottle and an apology—for what, you weren’t always sure. She had a cackle like a goat in therapy and a tongue so frequently stuck out it had developed a tan. But what really made Glumbella infamous was the night she made the moon blush. It started, as most regrettable triumphs do, with a dare. Her neighbor, Tildy Grizzleblum—renowned inventor of the self-stirring gravy cauldron—bet Glumbella ten copper buttons she couldn’t seduce the moon. Glumbella, three elderberry wines in and barefoot, had climbed to the top of Flasher’s Bluff, bared one spectacularly unfiltered grin, and shouted, “OI! MOON! You big glowing tease! Show us yer craters!” The moon, previously considered emotionally distant, turned pink for the first time in recorded history. Tildy never paid up. Claimed the blush was atmospheric disturbance. Glumbella hexed her gravy to taste like regret for a week. It was the talk of the Hollow until the time Glumbella accidentally married a toad. But that’s a whole other issue involving a cursed wedding veil and a case of mistaken identity during mating season. Still, nothing in her long, outrageously inappropriate life prepared her for the arrival of HIM. A forest path, a suspicious breeze, and one very disheveled male gnome with eyes like drunken chestnuts. She could smell trouble. And a hint of old socks. Her favorite combination. “You lost, sweetcheeks?” she asked, lips curled, Carl twitching with interest. He didn’t blink. Just grinned with a mouth full of crooked charm and said, “Only if you say no.” And just like that, the Hollow was no longer the weirdest thing in Glumbella’s life. He was. Spells, Sass, and One Regrettable Pickle He called himself Bramble. No last name. Just Bramble. Which was, of course, either suspicious or sexy. Possibly both. Glumbella squinted at him the way one examines mold on cheese—trying to decide if it added flavor or would cause hallucinations. Carl the Hat drooped slightly in what might’ve been approval. Or gas. No one could ever tell with Carl. “So,” Glumbella said, leaning against a crooked fencepost with all the grace of a drunk poetry critic, “you show up here with those boots—muddy, charming, criminally well-worn—and that beard that’s clearly never met a comb, and expect me not to ask where you’re hiding your motives?” Bramble chuckled, a low, gravel-smooth sound that tickled her mossy instincts. “I’m just a wanderer,” he said, “looking for trouble.” “You found it,” she grinned. “And she bites.” They traded words like potions—some bubbling with innuendo, others fizzing with sarcasm. The gnomes of Hooten Hollow weren’t known for subtlety, but even Glumbella’s porch toad stopped sunbathing to observe the sparks flying. Within the hour, Bramble had accepted an invitation into her kitchen, where the mugs were mismatched, the wine was elderberry and defiant, and every single piece of furniture had at least one embarrassing story attached to it. “That chair over there,” she said, pointing with a ladle, “once hosted an orgy of pixies during a midsummer moon rave. Still smells like glitter and fermented rose hips.” Bramble sat in it without hesitation. “Now I’m even more comfortable.” Carl let out a low hum. The hat was always a little jealous. It had once hexed a suitor’s beard into a nest for furious hummingbirds. But Carl… Carl liked Bramble. Not trust, not yet. But interest. Carl only drooled on things he wanted to keep. Bramble got drooled on. A lot. As the wine flowed, the conversation turned slippery. Spells were swapped like dirty jokes. Glumbella showed off her prized collection of cursed socks—each one stolen from mysterious laundry disappearances across dimensions. Bramble, in turn, revealed a tattoo on his hip that could whisper insults in seventeen languages. “Say something in Gobbledygroan,” she purred. “It just called you a ‘shimmer-skulled minx with wild cabbage energy.’” She nearly choked on her wine. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me this decade.” Their evening escalated into potion pong (she won), a one-on-one broom jousting match (she also won, but he looked great falling), and a heated debate over whether moonlight was better for hexes or skinny-dipping (jury's still out). At some point, Bramble dared her to let Carl cast a spell unsupervised. “Are you mad?” she cried. “Carl once tried to turn a goose into a loaf of bread and ended up with a squawking baguette that still haunts my pantry.” “I live dangerously,” Bramble grinned. “And you’re obviously into chaos.” “Well,” she said, standing dramatically and knocking over a bottle of sparkle tonic, “I suppose it’s not a proper Tuesday until something catches fire or someone gets kissed.” And that was how Bramble ended up stuck to the ceiling. Carl, in a rare mood of cooperation, had tried to conjure a “romantic levitation spell.” It worked. Too well. Bramble hovered upside down, flailing, one sock falling off while Glumbella roared with laughter and took notes on a napkin titled “future foreplay ideas.” “How long does this last?” Bramble asked from above, spinning slowly. “Oh, I’d guess until the hat gets bored or until you compliment my knees,” she smirked. He eyed her legs. “Sturdy as a spellbound oak and twice as enchanting.” With a dramatic “fwoomp,” he fell directly into her arms. She dropped him, naturally, because she was built for insults and wine, not bridal carries. They landed in a heap of limbs, lace, and one rather smug hat who casually slithered off Glumbella’s head to claim the wine bottle for itself. “Carl’s gone rogue,” she muttered. “Does this mean the date’s going well?” Bramble asked, breathless. “Sweetcheeks,” she said, brushing leaf confetti from his beard, “if this were going badly, you’d already be a frog wearing a tutu and begging for flies.” And just like that, a new kind of trouble rooted itself in Hooten Hollow—a mischievous, magnetic, absolutely inadvisable connection between a gnome witch with no filter and a rogue wanderer who smiled like he knew how to start fires with compliments. Toads began gossiping. The trees leaned closer. Carl sharpened his brim. The Hangover, The Hex, and The Honeymoon (Not Necessarily In That Order) The next morning smelled like regret, roasted acorns, and singed beard hair. Bramble awoke dangling upside-down in a hammock made entirely of enchanted laundry, his left eyebrow missing and his right one twitching in Morse code. Carl was perched beside him with an empty flask and a threatening gleam in his brim. “Good morning, you rakish woodland degenerate,” Glumbella chirped from the garden, dressed in a scandalously mossy robe and wielding a trowel like a sword. “You shrieked in your sleep. Either you were dreaming of tax audits or you’re allergic to flirtation.” “I dreamed I was a zucchini,” he groaned. “Being judged. By squirrels.” She cackled so hard a tomato blushed. “Then we’re progressing nicely.” The Hollow was in full gossip bloom. Gnomelings whispered of a courtship forged in chaos. The Elder Council sent Glumbella a strongly worded scroll urging “discretion, decency, and pants.” She framed it above her loo. Bramble, now semi-resident and fully shirtless 60% of the time, fit into the ecosystem like a charming virus. Plants leaned toward him. Crickets composed sonnets about his butt. Carl hissed when they kissed, but only out of habit. And then came the Pickle Incident. It started with a potion. Always does. Glumbella had been experimenting with a “Love Me, Loathe Me, Lick Me” elixir—allegedly a mild flirtation enhancer. She left it on the kitchen shelf labeled Not For Bramble, which of course ensured that Bramble would absolutely drink it by accident while trying to pickle beets. The result? He fell desperately, dramatically in love with a jar of fermented cucumbers. “She understands me,” he declared, cradling the jar, eyes misty. “She’s complex. Salty. A little spicy.” Glumbella responded with a hex so potent it briefly turned him into a sentient sandwich. He still has nightmares about mayonnaise therapy. Once the elixir wore off (with the help of two sarcastic fairies, one slap from Carl, and a kiss so aggressive it startled a flock of crows), Bramble regained his senses. He apologized by crafting her a love letter out of enchanted leaves that screamed compliments when read aloud. The neighbors complained. Glumbella cried once—silently, while pouring wine into her boots. Eventually, the Hollow began to accept the duo as a necessary evil. Like seasonal flooding or emotionally unstable hedgehogs. The town bakery started selling “Carl Crust” sourdough. The local tavern offered a cocktail called the “Witch’s Whiplash”—two parts elderberry brandy, one part seductive regret. Tourists wandered into the woods hoping to see the infamous hat-witch and her dangerously handsome consort. Most of them got lost. One married a tree. It happens. But Glumbella and Bramble? They simply… thrived. Like fungus in a damp drawer. They didn’t marry in any traditional sense. There were no doves or rings or solemn declarations. Instead, one foggy morning, Glumbella woke to find Bramble had carved their initials into the moon using a stolen weather spell and a goat with anxiety issues. The moon blinked twice. Carl sang a sea shanty. And that was that. They celebrated by getting drunk in a treehouse, racing leaf-boats in the river, and aggressively ignoring the concept of monogamy for six months straight. It was perfect. Some say their laughter still echoes through the Hollow. Others claim Carl runs a poker game on Wednesdays and cheats with his brim. One thing’s for certain: if you ever find yourself lost in Hooten Hollow and stumble upon a wild-haired witch with a wicked grin and a man beside her who looks like he just kissed a tornado, you’ve found them. Don’t stare. Don’t judge. And absolutely do not touch the hat. It bites.     Bring the Magic Home If Glumbella’s sass, Bramble’s charm, and Carl’s unpredictable brim made you laugh, blush, or consider abandoning your career for a life of enchanted chaos—why not invite their mischief into your space? Explore a range of beautifully printed keepsakes inspired by The Howling Hat of Hooten Hollow—each crafted with care to bring a touch of forest whimsy and gnomish delight into your everyday world: Tapestry – Transform any room with this richly detailed woven tapestry featuring Glumbella in all her wild glory. Wood Print – Add rustic charm to your walls with this vibrant artwork printed on smooth wood grain—just like Carl would want (assuming he approved). Framed Print – A classic option for lovers of fantasy art and chaotic gnome energy—framed, ready to hang, and guaranteed to make guests ask questions. Fleece Blanket – Cozy up with a blanket that captures the warmth, whimsy, and low-key seduction of a magical night in Hooten Hollow. Greeting Card – Send a giggle, a wink, or a mild hex in the mail with a card featuring this unforgettable scene. Each item is perfect for fans of whimsical fantasy, mischievous storytelling, and the kind of art that feels alive (possibly sentient, definitely opinionated). Find your favorite at shop.unfocussed.com and let the spirit of Hooten Hollow haunt your heart—and maybe your guest room.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Woodland Wisecracker

The Bark Behind the Giggle Deep in the rustling bowels of Elderbark Woods—where the ferns gossip louder than the crows and the mushrooms have cliques—there lives a gnome with a laugh like a strangled squirrel and a tongue quicker than a squirrel on mead. His name? No one really knows. Most call him “That Damned Gnome” or, more respectfully, The Woodland Wisecracker. He’s ancient in gnome years, which is already saying something, because gnomes start sprouting gray whiskers before they’re out of diapers. But this one’s been around long enough to prank a dryad’s sacred tree, live to tell about it, and then prank it again just because he didn’t like the sap tone she used when she caught him the first time. His hat is a collage of past indiscretions—berries he stole from witch-purses, mushrooms “borrowed” from faerie circles, and a tuft of dire squirrel tail he claims was won in a poker game (no one believes him, especially not the squirrels). His days are a tapestry of mischief. Today, he had rigged a family of tree frogs to croak in unison every time someone passed the old cedar latrine. Yesterday, he spelled the badger’s burrow to smell like elderflower perfume—an incident still being litigated in the unofficial woodland court of “WTF Did You Just Do, Gary?” But it wasn’t always like this. The Wisecracker had once been a promising woodland historian, with impeccable footnotes and a genuine fondness for moss classification. That was until the Great Incident—a scholarly disagreement over whether blue moss was just green moss with sass. It ended with a symposium ruined by glitterbombs, an angry dryad boycott, and one furious troll with sparkles in places no troll should sparkle. Since then, the Wisecracker had chosen a more... recreational route through life. He lived in a hollowed-out stump stacked with scrolls, frog jokes, and an ever-replenishing jar of fermented beet liquor. Nobody knew where it came from. It was just there. Like his opinions. Loud. Uninvited. And usually followed by a prank involving slippery root polish or magically animated underpants. It was on a bright, dew-fresh morning—one of those disgustingly poetic ones that inspires woodland critters to hum showtunes—that the Wisecracker decided it was time to raise the stakes. The forest had gotten too cozy. Too polite. Even the weasels were organizing book clubs. “Unacceptable,” he muttered to his toadstool seat, scratching his chin with a twig he’d sharpened purely for dramatic effect. “If they want wholesome... I’ll give them wholesome. With a side of explosive berry jam.” And so began the Grand Forest Prank War of the Season—a campaign destined to scandalize nymphs, enrage beetles, and firmly cement the Wisecracker’s legacy as the most unrepentant little bastard the woodland had ever loved to hate. Of Pranks, Pheromones, and Poorly Timed Potion Eruptions The Wisecracker, being a gnome of refined nonsense, knew the key to a truly memorable prank wasn’t mere humiliation—it was poetic humiliation. There had to be timing. Artistry. A dramatic arc. Ideally, pantslessness. And so, the first phase of the Grand Forest Prank War of the Season began at dawn... with a basket of enchanted berries and a pheromone spell so potent it could make a rock pine for a cuddle. He left the basket at the foot of the Council Glade, where forestfolk gathered for their weekly “Mediation and Mutual Squeaking” circle. Inside were berries infused with giggleleaf oil, tickle spores, and just a pinch of something he called “pixie pheroblaster”—a substance banned in at least seven counties and one very traumatized fairy convent. By noon, the glade had descended into full chaos. An elderly squirrel began slow-dancing with a pinecone. Two wood nymphs started a vigorous debate on the ethics of licking tree sap straight from the bark—with full demonstration. And one unfortunate owl began hooting at its own reflection in a puddle, proclaiming it “the only bird who understands me.” When the Council tried to investigate, they found nothing but a calling card left under the basket: a crude drawing of a gnome mooning a pine tree with “KISS THIS, TREE-HUGGERS” written in aggressive mushroom ink. “It’s him again,” groaned Elder Wyrmbark, a centuries-old talking stump with the patience of a Buddhist snail and the libido of a very lonely log. “The Wisecracker’s struck again.” As expected, the forest community was split. Half declared war. The other half requested recipe tips. Meanwhile, the gnome himself was busy working on Phase Two: Operation Hot-Buns. This involved rerouting the fae hot spring using a system of enchanted hoses (which he had borrowed—permanently—from a disgraced water elemental with intimacy issues). By midafternoon, the pixies’ annual Full Moon Tan-athon was a steamy, bubbling geyser of screeches and rapidly evaporating modesty. “They were this close to inventing bikini lines,” he whispered proudly to a nearby beetle, who stared back with the thousand-yard gaze of someone who’d seen things no beetle should. But not every scheme went perfectly. Take, for instance, the romantic detour. You see, the Wisecracker had a complicated relationship with one Miss Bramblevine—a half-sprite, half-briar bush enchantress who had once kissed him, slapped him, then enchanted his eyebrows to grow in reverse. He still hadn’t forgiven her. Or stopped writing letters he never sent. One evening, he found her in a clearing, muttering incantations and plucking suspiciously romantic-sounding harp chords. She was conjuring a love aura for woodland speed dating. Naturally, he couldn’t let this travesty of intimacy unfold un-messed-with. He approached her with his usual charm—wearing nothing but a smile, a leaf thong, and one boot (the other was being used by a family of hedgehogs for tax reasons). “Fancy seeing you here,” he winked, leaning seductively against a log that immediately crumbled. “Care to sample a little homemade ‘gnomebrew’? It’s got notes of regret and wild raspberry.” “Still trying to seduce the entire underbrush with your fermented nonsense?” she smirked, but took the flask. She sniffed, gagged, and downed it in one swig. “Still tastes like broken promises and bat piss.” “You always said I was consistent.” There was a moment. A dangerous, sparkling, “should-we-or-should-we-not-do-this-again” kind of moment. Then her hair caught fire. Gently. Softly. Because the gnome had, regrettably, spiced the batch with firefern for “zest.” “DID YOU JUST—” “I panicked! It was supposed to be seductive! Do NOT explode the frogs again!” It was too late. Her rage spell detonated the decorative frog choir he’d hidden in the nearby bush. The explosion scattered musical amphibians across the glade. One of them croaked the opening bars of a Barry White song before going silent forever. The Wisecracker fled, his one boot flapping, hair full of harp strings, heart beating to the tempo of his own mischief. He’d have to lay low—maybe in the badger tunnels. Maybe in Bramblevine’s heart. Maybe both. He liked it complicated. And yet, the forest was now alive with energy. Pranks were spreading like spores in springtime. Hedgehog street art. Raccoon rap battles. A mysterious new trend where squirrels wore tiny mustaches and conducted acorn inspections. The Wisecracker’s influence was seeping through the roots themselves. It wasn’t just about giggles anymore. It was an uprising. A forest-wide movement of snark and subversion. And at the center of it all, the little gnome with the too-wide grin, a dangerously overstocked arsenal of practical jokes, and absolutely no sense of when to stop. He climbed atop his mossy throne that night, arms wide to the stars, and bellowed into the canopy: “LET THE THIRD PHASE COMMENCE!” Somewhere in the dark, an owl pooped itself. A frog sang again. And the trees braced themselves for what came next. Mayhem, Moss, and the Moonlit Tribunal of Shenanigans The forest had reached critical silliness. The squirrels had unionized. The frogs had formed a jazz trio. A fox began charging admission to watch a raccoon and a badger fight in interpretive dance. Everywhere, everywhere, the Wisecracker’s influence oozed like glittery tree sap—mischief, whimsy, chaos, and just a splash of low-grade arson. It was time. Not for another prank. No. This was beyond mischief. This was legacy. This... was The Final Gag. But first, he needed a diversion. And so he called upon his most loyal allies: the Truffle Dancers—a group of rotund, semi-retired badgers who owed him a favor from that one time he helped hide their mushroom moonshine still from the ranger fauns. “I need you to stage a performance,” he said, adjusting his ceremonial prank hat (a regular hat, but covered in feathers, jam stains, and live beetles trained to spell rude words). “Interpretive?” asked Bunt, the lead badger, already oiling his hip joints with pine resin. “Explosive,” said the gnome. “There will be glitter. There will be jazz. There may be screams.” By twilight, the clearing behind the Elderbark Grove was filled with an audience of questionable sobriety and wildly varying consent levels. Bramblevine was there, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, already holding a small fireball in one hand and a healing salve in the other. Duality. The performance began. Fog. Dramatic torchlight. Bunt spinning like an angry cinnamon roll. The badgers twerked. A ferret wept. Somewhere, a crow squawked the Wilhelm scream. But just as the grand finale began—with a chorus of frogs launching bottle rockets from their mouths—everything froze. A thunderclap echoed across the forest. The glade went dead silent. Even the beetles spelling out “FLAPSACK” paused mid-A. From the sky descended a giant pair of moss-covered sandals, attached to the spectral form of Grandfather Spriggan, the ancient forest spirit and reluctant enforcer of natural order (and, regrettably, trousers). “ENOUGH,” the spirit bellowed, voice like thunder wrapped in nettles. “THE BALANCE HAS BEEN UNPRANKED.” The forest tribunal convened on the spot. Spectators transformed into a jury of woodland peers: a stork, three indignant squirrels, one disapproving mole with bifocals, and a toad who seemed entirely too into the drama. The charge? Crimes against quietude, reckless charm, unauthorized enchantment of raccoon tail accessories, and the willful violation of Article 7B of the Woodland Code: “Thou shalt not install fart noises in sacred glens.” The Wisecracker stood accused. Shirtless. Glorious. Holding a bottle of homemade sparkling bogwater and still slightly singed from a previous glitter incident. “How do you plead?” asked the Grandfather, his sandals creaking ominously. “I plead... absolutely fabulous,” the gnome said, performing a pirouette and releasing a smoke bomb shaped like a duck. The duck quacked. Dramatically. Gasps echoed through the clearing. Somewhere, a pinecone fainted. The tribunal descended into chaos. The jury broke into argument. The squirrels wanted exile. The mole demanded public shaming. The toad proposed something involving marmalade and a haunted bidet. Bramblevine watched it all with a look that blended admiration and homicidal irritation. But then... silence. The Grandfather raised one hand. “Let the accused make a final statement.” The Wisecracker took the stand—a stump with a suspiciously familiar frog perched on it—and cleared his throat. “Friends. Foes. Sap-suckers of all types. I do not deny my pranks. I embrace them. I curate them. This forest was growing dull. The squirrels were starting to quote Plato. The moss had formed a jazz quartet called 'Soft & Moist.' We were becoming... tasteful.” He shuddered. So did the jazz moss. “Yes, I spiced your spring festivals with nude raccoons and enchanted whistles. Yes, I bewitched an entire weasel choir to sing bawdy limericks in front of the Sacred Hollow. But I did it because I love this forest. And because I’m just the right kind of emotionally stunted chaos goblin to think it’s funny.” A pause. A silence thicker than badger gravy. Then... the toad applauded. Slowly. Then maniacally. The crowd followed. A frog exploded in joy (literally—he was part balloon). Even Grandfather Spriggan cracked what might have been a mossy smirk. “Very well,” the old spirit said. “Your punishment... is to continue.” “...Wait, what?” said the gnome. “You are hereby appointed the Official Prank Warden of Elderbark Woods. You will balance mischief with magic. Bring chaos where there is order. And order where there is too much bean stew. You shall report directly to me—and to Bramblevine, because someone has to keep you from dying in a frog-related accident.” “I accept,” the gnome said, straightening his beetle-feather hat with surprising gravity. Then he turned to Bramblevine. “So... drinks?” She rolled her eyes. “One. But if your flask smells like regret again, I’m setting your left nipple on fire.” “Deal.” And so it was that the Woodland Wisecracker ascended—not to glory, but to legend. A gnome of gags, a prophet of prankery, a messiah of magical mischief whose deeds would echo through the roots and leaves for ages. The frogs would sing songs. The beetles would spell tributes. And somewhere, in the warm belly of the woods, a badger would shake its hips... just for him. Long live the Wisecracker.     Bring the mischief home! If the antics of the Woodland Wisecracker made you snort, chuckle, or question the life choices of certain amphibians, you can now immortalize his chaos in your own realm. Whether you’re decorating a den worthy of enchanted badgers or searching for the perfect gift for that lovable troublemaker in your life, we’ve got you covered: Adorn your walls with a vibrant tapestry that captures his gnomey glory in full chaotic bloom, or go bold with a glossy metal print or dazzling acrylic display worthy of a tribunal hall. For cozy nights of mischief planning (or regretful introspection), wrap yourself in our luxuriously soft fleece blanket. And don’t forget to send someone a laugh (or a gentle warning) with our delightfully irreverent greeting card featuring the Wisecracker himself. Claim a piece of the prankster’s legacy—and let your decor cackle with character.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Turquoise Troublemaker

Crimes of Leaf and Laughter There was a place, nestled deep in the forest’s golden curls, where the laws of logic melted faster than a caramel gnome in a hot spring. And at the center of that leaf-spackled lunacy lived a creature both loved and loathed by woodland society: The Turquoise Troublemaker. They never gave their real name. Some said it was unpronounceable. Others claimed it was legally redacted. But most just called them “Turq,” usually while groaning or scrubbing glitter out of unspeakable places. Turq was not your standard forest cryptid. No, this one had taste. Style. A mustard-yellow hoodie permanently zipped just below the horns, sneakers that had clearly been stolen from a tourist, and a smirk that promised both charm and chaos with equal intensity. They didn't walk through the woods so much as *swagger*, tail flicking behind them like punctuation to an ongoing roast session. On this particular fall morning, Turq was crouched on their usual log—the one that allegedly belonged to an ancient dryad who’d gotten tired of the drama and moved to coastal Italy. Surrounding them was a semi-circle of horrified, mildly confused, and fully bewitched woodland animals. Because Turq was teaching a workshop. “Today’s topic,” Turq announced, sipping something steamy from a chipped mug shaped like a screaming acorn, “is Advanced Pranking for Emotional Clarity and Power Reclamation. Or, in simpler terms, how to ruin someone’s day with style.” A squirrel raised its paw. “Is this therapy?” “Yes. But with less crying and more confetti.” Turq spun on their heel and slapped down a chart that read: ‘SARCASM AS A TOOL FOR COMMUNITY BUILDING’. Underneath were bullet points, all glittered, none legible. “Now,” Turq continued, “imagine your local bird is annoying. Chirping too loud. Smug about flight. What do you do?” A badger grunted. “Eat them?” “This isn’t medieval TikTok,” Turq snapped. “No eating. We prank. We humble. We redirect the vibe.” “You make everything sound like an Instagram caption,” muttered a hedgehog with trauma bangs. “That’s because I am an aesthetic,” Turq replied, fluffing their hoodie with flourish. “Anyway, last week I convinced Chadwick the human that moss was a currency. He gave me twenty bucks for a patch. I’m rich in both lichen and lies.” The crowd murmured. Chadwick, ever the over-curious nature blogger, had become the unofficial victim of Turq’s seasonal chaos. From “accidentally” swapping his eco-toothpaste with edible glitter, to replacing his trail mix with enchanted jumping beans, Turq considered Chadwick both their muse and their moral playground. “But today,” Turq whispered, crouching low with dramatic eyebrow arches, “we go bigger.” They unrolled a parchment so wide it bonked a possum in the face. On it was a sprawling map labeled: ‘OPERATION AUTUMNCLAP’. “We’re going to stage a full-blown fall festival pop-up and gaslight Chadwick into thinking it’s an ancient forest rite. We’ll wear leaf crowns. We’ll chant nonsense. We’ll sell him acorn ‘smoothies’ that are 70% bark.” “Why?” the hedgehog asked, halfway into a resigned sigh. “Because,” Turq said, eyes gleaming, “he put pumpkin spice in the forest stream. There are frogs hallucinating romance novels. Someone has to restore balance.” It was decided. Operation AutumnClap would commence at dusk. But just as Turq began instructing the squirrels on acorn smoothie ratios (less pulp, more crunch), a sound echoed from the trees. It was faint at first—like the groan of an overdramatic pine tree—but it grew louder. And deeper. Like thunder laced with attitude. “What in the photoshopped fungus was that?” Turq muttered. “That,” said the hedgehog, now clutching a leaf like a prayer flag, “is the Custodian.” The animals scattered like unpaid interns. Turq stood alone, clutching their mug like a sacred relic. “The Custodian? I thought that was just a myth. A tale invented by the elder chipmunks to make us compost properly.” But it wasn’t a myth. Because from between two great oaks, dragging a rake made from bone and bark, came a creature as tall as a sapling and twice as cranky. Draped in robes of rotting leaves, crowned with fungi, and radiating a very intense “I'm not mad, I'm disappointed” energy—The Custodian had returned. “Who disturbed the leaf order?” the Custodian boomed. Turq smiled. “Hi. That would be me. Turquoise. Mischief. Local menace and part-time emotional support cryptid. Do you need a hug, or…?” The Custodian growled. Turq winked. And then, quite suddenly, the ground split with a gust of compost-scented magic, launching both creature and cryptid into an accidental duel that would later be known (and wildly exaggerated) as: The Great Leaf Fight of Merribark Glen. The Great Leaf Fight of Merribark Glen The Custodian of Leaves was not built for nuance. It was built for rules. Sacred rakes. Standardized crunch levels. Color-coded leaf rot timelines. And here was Turq, the unofficial chaos mascot of Merribark, standing in defiance with a smirk, a hoodie, and what appeared to be a double-shot of pumpkin fog chai. “You have violated the Ordinance of Autumnal Order,” the Custodian thundered, pointing its rake like an accusation dipped in mold. “You danced on sacred mulch. You organized an unregistered seasonal gathering. And—worst of all—you scattered candy corn like cursed runes.” “Those weren’t runes,” Turq chirped. “They were forest snacks. And you’re welcome.” The Custodian narrowed its compost-crusted eyes. The forest held its breath. Somewhere, a squirrel dropped a nut in suspense. Then it happened. With a roar that shook pinecones off their branches, the Custodian summoned the full wrath of the forest bureaucracy. Forms flew. Vines twisted into red tape. Acorns arranged themselves into alphabetical grievance piles. A furious gust of enchanted leaflets exploded into the air, each stamped with angry oak sigils and the haunting phrase: “MANDATORY COMPOST COMPLIANCE.” “Oh no,” Turq whispered, ducking behind their log. “He’s going full Autumn Audit.” Animals scattered in every direction. Twiggy the hedgehog fake-fainted behind a fern. A raccoon tried to claim diplomatic immunity by wearing a monocle and yelling, “I’m Switzerland!” Turq, meanwhile, launched a counter-attack the only way they knew how—vibes-first. They struck a dramatic pose atop the log, hoodie billowing, sneakers glinting in the firefly glow, and shouted: “This is not anarchy! This is festivity with flair!” And with that, they hurled a bag of enchanted glitter directly into the Custodian’s face. It exploded in a shower of sparkle and defiance. The Custodian gasped as fuchsia powder coated its leaf-robes and the words “FALL VIBES ONLY” appeared across its chest in shimmering script. “You dare bedazzle me?” it bellowed. “You were asking for it,” Turq said, adjusting their horns like sunglasses. “You walk like an October tax return.” The ground shook again, but this time from below. From deep under Merribark, the mycelium networks flared to life—glowing with bioluminescent confusion. The Fungi Council had awakened. Griselda the Mushroom Queen emerged slowly from the moss, chewing a mushroom cigar and squinting through the forest mess. “What’s all this noisy bullshroom?” she rasped. “Leaf fascism,” Turq explained helpfully. “Ugh,” Griselda groaned. “Again? Didn’t we sort that out in the Great Rake-Off of ’04?” “Apparently not,” said Turq, dodging a flying leaf citation that whistled past their ear like bureaucratic death. Griselda squinted at the Custodian. “You. Twig brain. You woke me up for decorum violations?” The Custodian, puffed up and half-covered in glitter, tried to retort, but Griselda raised a gnarled finger. “Shut it. Everyone’s got sap in their socks these days. You know what the forest needs?” “A gnome boycott?” Turq guessed. “An equinox rave,” she said, grinning slowly. “We blast the spores. Burn the bylaws. Drink fermented leaf tea until the moss sings.” “That sounds… unregulated,” the Custodian said, visibly sweating compost. “Exactly,” said Griselda. “Sometimes nature needs chaos to breathe.” Turq high-fived her so hard a squirrel fell out of a tree. “I’m calling it: Fungtoberfest.” The forest crowd, emboldened by rebellion and fermented sap shots, rallied. Lights flickered. Mushrooms pulsed with rhythm. The raccoons formed a drumline. Chadwick, drawn by the scent of spectacle and forbidden cider, stumbled into the clearing with his camera already filming. “What… what is this?” he whispered, stunned. “It’s Merribark, darling,” Turq said, throwing an arm around him. “And this is what happens when you mess with seasonal aesthetics without consulting your local trickster.” As night swallowed the last of the golden sky, the forest transformed. What began as a duel ended in a wild, stomping, glitter-covered celebration of chaos, community, and the complete deconstruction of leafy hierarchy. The Custodian, reluctantly sipping leaf tea through a straw, even tapped its foot once. Maybe twice. And Turq? Turq stood on their log, hoodie flecked with dirt and pride, watching the chaos swirl with gleaming eyes. This was more than mischief. This was meaningful nonsense. This was forest magic, unfiltered and absurd. “To the troublemakers,” they toasted, raising their mug to the moon. “May we never be organized.” The moon winked back.     Need more mischief in your life? If *The Turquoise Troublemaker* made you cackle, conspire, or crave glitter warfare, why not invite a little Merribark mayhem into your home? From high-impact wall art to snuggly sass vessels, this vibrant troublemaker is now available in magically merchified formats—designed to delight woodland rebels and cozy chaos agents alike. Wood Print: Add a rustic, enchanted edge to your wall with a textured wood finish perfect for mischief-friendly décor. Framed Print: Polished, professional, and just smug enough to remind you who’s in charge—this troublemaker is gallery ready. Acrylic Print: Bold, glossy, and dripping with magical realism. Perfect for spaces that need a little more sass-per-inch. Tote Bag: Because every forest trickster needs a carry-all for snacks, glitter bombs, and emotional support acorns. Fleece Blanket: Soft, cozy, and just chaotic enough to keep you warm while plotting your next seasonal rebellion. Find the full collection at shop.unfocussed.com and let the sass spill into your space. Because rule-breaking looks great in high resolution.