Sunset Whiskers of Joy

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Secret Life of a Dandelion

In a forgotten corner of a sunlit kitchen, where old wooden floorboards creaked like the sigh of memories, there sat a glass of water with a single dandelion seed head balanced inside. Its fragile white filaments shimmered faintly in the afternoon glow — a crown of wishes waiting for wind or wonder. But across from it — hanging slightly crooked on the wall — was a mirror. Not just any mirror, but one of those quiet, silver-framed relics from another era, the kind that felt heavier than its reflection, as though it remembered every gaze that had ever passed across it. And in this mirror, the dandelion was no longer a fragile thing clinging to what little time it had left. No — in the mirror’s world, the dandelion stood in full bloom, fierce and golden. A wild sun captured in petals. Bold where it had been delicate. Alive where it had seemed to be fading. It had always been this way. You see, mirrors — the real ones — don’t just show you what you are. They show you what you once dreamed of being. What you secretly still believe you could become. They show the hidden life humming inside quiet things. Day after day, the little seed head sat there, half-remembering how once, long ago, it had been golden too. When it had basked in fields uncut, standing tall against the breeze, unapologetic in its brightness. But time, as it does to all things, had softened it. Made it cautious. Fragile. Ready to let go rather than reach again. But this reflection — this impossible golden version of itself — had begun to whisper. Not with words. No, dandelions know better than that. With feeling. With quiet hope. With the restless ache of dreams deferred but never forgotten. And one night, long after the house had fallen silent, something extraordinary happened... Night of the Turning The house was asleep. Even the clock on the wall had quieted its ticking, as if time itself was holding its breath. The moon hung low, spilling silver across the wooden table where the dandelion sat — still, fragile, and impossibly aware of its own smallness. But the mirror had been waiting for this night. Some say mirrors lose their magic as we grow old. They say that reflections harden into truth and leave no space for dreams. But those people have never sat still enough — or long enough — to hear what mirrors whisper in the dark. “Remember,” the mirror hummed. Not in sound, but like a warm pressure just behind the bones of the chest. “Remember what it felt like... to be full of sun.” The dandelion quivered. Not from wind — there was none. But from something deeper. An ache. A pulse from long before it knew how to let go. The seed head trembled on its slender stem, brittle from waiting, from surviving. “You were never meant to stay small,” the mirror whispered. “You were never meant to fade quietly.” It was a ridiculous thought. The world had told the dandelion for weeks now — for seasons — that its time was over. That its beauty had passed. That its best chance was to scatter to the wind and hope to start over somewhere else. But not tonight. The Bloom Inside the Quiet Slowly, impossibly, the fragile threads of the seed head began to shimmer — not with light from the moon, but with something older. Something remembered. Hope is not loud. It is not the drumbeat of certainty or the blaze of guaranteed victory. Hope is quieter than breath. It is smaller than a seed. It is the ache of “maybe” in the chest when the world has said “no” for so long you almost believed it. And the dandelion — the small, forgotten, nearly gone dandelion — began to gather itself from the inside out. Not a transformation forced by magic or wishful thinking. No, this was the truest kind of change. The kind that grows in the dark. The kind that starts with belief. Petal by petal, color by color, the reflection was no longer only in the mirror. The golden bloom was rising from within. Not all at once. Not perfectly. But steadily. It wasn’t about being what it had been. It was about becoming what it still could be. Outside, the wind stirred — gentle, curious — brushing against the old wooden house like an old friend. And when dawn came, spilling gold across the floor, there sat the dandelion... no longer just a seed head. There it stood — quiet but fierce — crowned in golden bloom once more. Not because it had been forced. Not because someone had saved it. But because it remembered that dreams, like seeds, wait for the smallest crack of belief to bloom again. The Mirror's Secret And the mirror? Oh, the mirror simply smiled in its way. After all, that’s what it had been trying to tell the dandelion all along. Not all reflections are reminders of what we have lost. Some reflections are invitations to become.     Epilogue: For Those Who Wait Quietly Somewhere, perhaps in a kitchen much like yours, or on a windowsill nobody watches anymore, another dandelion waits. It waits with all its fragile parts — seeds that want to let go, roots that don’t remember how to stay, a heart grown tired of being told it is too late. But the mirror is still there. Somewhere. Everywhere. Waiting. Whispering. Not every bloom is for the wild fields. Not every golden crown rises in the open sun. Some are meant for quiet places. For still hearts. For those who have forgotten how bright they once burned. If you find yourself looking at your own reflection — in glass or water or memory — and all you see is what time has taken from you… Wait a little longer. There is a bloom inside you still. And some mornings — when the world holds its breath — even the smallest dream dares to rise again.     Bring the Story Home Every story deserves a place to live — even the quiet ones. The Secret Life of a Dandelion is more than just an image. It’s a reminder of what waits inside us all — of patience, resilience, and the quiet bravery of dreams not yet spoken. You can bring this story into your everyday world — as art, as gift, as a gentle nudge toward hope. Wood Prints — Rustic and timeless, perfect for quiet corners and thoughtful spaces. Metal Prints — Modern reflections that catch the light, much like the story itself. Tote Bags — Carry your dreams. Or your books. Or your quiet thoughts for the road. Greeting Cards — Share hope with someone who needs it most. Spiral Notebooks — Because stories — especially your own — deserve to be written down. Explore the full collection at shop.unfocussed.com. Let your space — or your gift — become part of the story.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Warden of the Arctic Heavens

The Legend Awakens High above the frozen world — somewhere between the last Wi-Fi signal and the first whisper of stardust — there lives a snow leopard unlike any other. Her name is Solvryn, though few mortals dare to utter it. Not because of fear — but because they usually can't pronounce it after three shots of glacial vodka. She is the Warden of the Arctic Heavens, the guardian of northern skies, and an unofficial therapist for lost souls who wander into her domain thinking it’s a great idea to "find themselves" in minus-40-degree weather. Solvryn wasn’t always celestial. She was once a regular snow leopard with killer instinct and an unhealthy obsession with napping on branches. But the universe has a wicked sense of humor. One night, as she lounged atop a frost-covered tree, watching the aurora ripple like cosmic mood lighting, a shooting star crashed — not with grace — but directly into her backside. Instead of instant vaporization (which frankly would have been easier), she sprouted wings. Feathery, luminous, ridiculous wings. Wings that ruined stealth hunting forever but made her look exceptionally photogenic on Instagram — if anyone ever made it up here alive with a signal. Of course, with wings came responsibility. An ancient voice boomed in her head, as all ancient voices do: "Rise, Solvryn, Warden of the Arctic Heavens. You must guard the northern skies, protect the balance of solitude and wonder, and occasionally knock sense into arrogant explorers who think the cold won't affect their phone batteries." And just like that, Solvryn began her eternal gig. She patrolled the winter realms, kept an eye on mischievous aurora spirits, and ensured the silence of snow remained unbroken — unless it was for a good laugh or an even better story. Still, on particularly long nights, she wondered: Was she destined for this forever? Was there more to being a guardian than frostbite prevention and dramatic wing poses? Little did she know, a challenge unlike any other was about to enter her territory — a wandering human with too much caffeine, zero common sense, and a destiny tied dangerously close to her own. The Human Problem The thing about humans is — they never read the signs. Not the cosmic ones. Not the wooden ones. Definitely not the ones with skull symbols and the words “TURN BACK” carved in twelve languages. Solvryn had seen them all. Mountain climbers powered by granola bars. Influencers searching for that “authentic wilderness aesthetic.” CEOs on a “spiritual retreat” hoping to expense enlightenment. But this one? This one was different. He tripped over his own snowshoes. He talked to himself — a lot. And worse, he argued with the Northern Lights like they were customer support. "Okay universe," he muttered loudly into the frozen air, "if you're listening, I could really use a sign that I'm not completely ruining my life." Solvryn, perched above him in full celestial glory, sighed the ancient sigh of a being who knows exactly what’s coming next. Because rules were rules. If a human asked for a sign — out loud — and they were within earshot of the Warden, she had to respond. She stretched her wings slowly, letting moonlight catch the edges just enough for maximum drama. She descended from her frosty perch with the casual elegance of a being who had absolutely had it with humanity’s nonsense. The man fell backwards into the snow, wide-eyed. "Holy — I knew this hike was a mistake." "Mistake?" Solvryn’s voice echoed through the trees — rich, smooth, slightly amused. "You walked twenty miles into the Arctic in discount hiking boots, armed only with optimism and protein bars. 'Mistake' is generous." The man blinked. "You... talk?" "Of course I talk. I’m not just here for the aesthetics." He scrambled to sit up, shivering, snow clinging to his beard like regret. "Are you... an angel? A spirit guide?" "Depends," Solvryn said, landing beside him with a soft crunch of snow. "Are you here to find inner peace, or did you just need a really aggressive life coach?" The Lesson No One Asked For Turns out, he was neither. His name was Eliot. A graphic designer from the city. Midlife crisis in progress. Divorced, burnt-out, spiritually empty — you know, the usual inspiration package. Solvryn listened — because wardens listen first, judge later. It’s more effective that way. He spoke of deadlines and loneliness. Of feeling invisible. Of scrolling through other people’s lives until his own felt like a poorly edited draft. And when he finally ran out of words — when the Arctic silence pressed against him like truth — Solvryn leaned in. "Listen closely, small warm-blooded disaster. The universe doesn’t care about your productivity metrics. It doesn’t reward suffering for suffering’s sake. But it does respond to courage — especially the courage to be still, to be quiet, to not know." Eliot stared up at her. "So… what? I should just… stop?" "No. You should begin — properly this time." The Guardian Code She unfurled her wings fully — a gesture both ridiculous and magnificent. Snowflakes glittered like tiny stars in the wake of her movement. "You want meaning? Make it. You want peace? Choose it. You want purpose? Earn it — not by running away from the noise, but by becoming immune to it." Eliot let the words settle like snowfall — slow, relentless, undeniable. Later, he would swear that the northern lights above them pulsed brighter, as if in approval. The Departure By dawn, Solvryn was gone — as guardians always are when their work is done. But Eliot — now guardian of his own story — walked back to civilization slower, lighter. He had no photos. No proof. No viral content. Only a strange feather tucked into his pocket — and a quiet, ferocious promise to live differently. The Arctic Whisper Far above, watching from her frozen branch, Solvryn chuckled quietly to herself. "Humans," she murmured. "So fragile. So lost. So gloriously capable of change." And with a powerful beat of her wings, the Warden of the Arctic Heavens soared into the endless blue — her watch never truly over.     Bring the Legend Home If Solvryn, the Warden of the Arctic Heavens, stirred something wild and wondrous in your soul — why not bring a piece of her mythic world into your own? Explore our exclusive collection of Warden of the Arctic Heavens art pieces — crafted for dreamers, wanderers, and guardians of their own quiet moments. Each item is designed to transform your space into a place of reflection, inspiration, and maybe — just maybe — a little magic. Woven Tapestry — Let Solvryn guard your walls in soft, textured beauty. Metal Print — Bold. Modern. Ready to outshine your neighbor's art collection. Fleece Blanket — Wrap yourself in celestial comfort. Approved for late-night existential pondering. Canvas Print — Classic. Elegant. Timeless as a winter sky. Let the legend live on — in your home, your story, your space.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Mushroom Mirth in Hedgehog Daze

The Prickle Awakens Deep in the glimmer-soaked underbrush of the Wobblewood Forest — where the mushrooms glow like disco balls and the trees hum vaporwave melodies after dark — there lived a hedgehog named Fuzzwort. Now Fuzzwort wasn’t your average forest critter. Oh no. This hedgehog had been sampling the mysterious mushroom caps of Wobblewood for, well... let’s just say "a long time" and leave it there. One particularly hazy afternoon, Fuzzwort awoke nestled between two bioluminescent toadstools, blinking his enormous cosmic-blue eyes — pupils dialed all the way out like saucers floating in space. "Whoa," he mumbled to no one. "Either I’m awake... or the forest downloaded a new skin pack." Stretching his tiny paws, he realized that sometime during the night, his quills had absorbed some of the psychedelic mushroom spores. They glimmered in swirly rainbow hues. "Wicked fashion upgrade," he giggled. "I am... Hedgehype Supreme." The Quest for the Crunchy Munchies His belly rumbled — not like a regular hungry noise — but like a tiny drum circle of woodland gnomes playing the bongos inside him. He needed snacks. Immediately. Preferably crunchy. Preferably within crawling distance because moving was, frankly, a negotiation right now. Slowly rolling himself into a little spiky ball, Fuzzwort tumbled downhill like a sentient mossy bowling ball. Mushrooms blurred past him in fractal patterns. He muttered, "Bro... trees shouldn’t have that many elbows." He bounced to a stop near a peculiar gathering of mushrooms. These weren’t just glowing — they were vibrating. "Ayy, what’s up, shroom bros?" he whispered reverently. They pulsed in response like they were beatboxing in slow motion. The Council of Shrooms A booming, spongy voice echoed in his head. "Fuzzwort... why dost thou rolleth so recklessly through our fungal fellowship?" Startled but still impressively chill, Fuzzwort replied, "Sorry, my dudes. I'm on a vision quest for some crunchy snacks. Also, I think my spine is growing tiny neon forests. Not complaining." The mushrooms collectively shimmied. "Seek ye the Snackshroom Grove," the voice replied. "But beware... it is guarded by the Lich Lizard of Eternal Vibes." "Heavy," Fuzzwort whispered, nodding solemnly. "Respect." Snackshroom Grove and the Lich Lizard of Eternal Vibes Fuzzwort rolled onward, carried by the subtle gravity of a snack-craving heart. The Wobblewood Forest grew increasingly surreal — the trees stretched sideways like rubber bands warming up for interpretive dance, while the moss whispered ancient limericks only slightly inappropriate for polite company. In the shimmering distance, beneath a canopy of glitter-dripping vines, the legendary Snackshroom Grove pulsed like the heartbeat of a funky bassline only forest creatures could hear. But standing between him and crispy victory... was him. Enter: The Lich Lizard of Eternal Vibes The creature slithered out from behind a kaleidoscope bush, scales glistening like oil spills on velvet. Wearing oversized sunglasses (indoors, naturally), the Lich Lizard exhaled a glowing cloud of sage-scented mystery and addressed Fuzzwort in a voice smooth as melted marshmallows. "Whoooo dares enter Snackshroom Grove... whilst rocking bioluminescent drip that sick?" Fuzzwort froze. Not from fear. No. From sheer admiration. "Whoa," he breathed. "Your vibes... they're... immaculate." The Lich Lizard did a slow-motion spin. "You're not so bad yourself, little orb of chaos. But the path to Snackshroom Grove is no free buffet." The Ritual of Chill Challenges The Lich Lizard gestured to a circle of vibrating stones. "To earn access to the sacred Crunchies, you must pass... The Trials of Chill." Fuzzwort nodded, feeling fate coil like a slinky in his gut. Trial One: The Dance-Off of Wiggly PrecisionHe had to out-wiggle a group of glow-worms synchronized like a K-pop flash mob. Fuzzwort summoned his inner disco hedgehog. Quills shimmering, feet barely obeying him, he spun in lazy circles that accidentally formed the shape of a cosmic fractal. The worms collapsed in awe. Pass. Trial Two: The Riddle of the Perpetually Confused SquirrelA squirrel hopped forward, eyes wide, holding an acorn that vibrated ominously. "If a mushroom falls in the woods but everyone's too baked to hear it... did it even drop?"Fuzzwort blinked, considered the eternal mystery, then replied, "Bro... maybe we’re the mushrooms."Silence. Then the squirrel gave him a tiny acorn fist-bump. Pass. Trial Three: The Patience of Eternal ChillHe had to sit perfectly still while a snail told its entire life story. It took three hours. It was... mostly about lettuce.Fuzzwort never flinched. Inner peace achieved. Pass. Snackshroom Grove Unlocked The Lich Lizard gave him a slow clap that echoed like tree trunks applauding in the wind. "Respect. Enter, young fuzzball." Fuzzwort stumbled into Snackshroom Grove and immediately lost all sense of linear time. The air was thick with the scent of earthy goodness. Mushrooms shaped like nacho chips. Tiny fungi that crunched like kettle-cooked potato magic. A bubbling brook flowing with chilled mushroom tea. He feasted. Oh, did he feast. After what felt like decades (but was probably 17 minutes), Fuzzwort lay on his back, belly round, paws behind his head, staring at the cosmic swirl of colors above. The Lesson of the Day The Lich Lizard materialized beside him, reclining effortlessly. "So, what did you learn today, little wanderer?" Fuzzwort squinted, thinking deeply. "That... snacks taste better when you've vibed with weird forest dudes and survived existential riddles from stoner squirrels." The Lich Lizard nodded solemnly. "Truest thing I've heard all century." Epilogue: The Return to Wobblewood Eventually, Fuzzwort rolled himself back toward his cozy patch of moss beneath the disco trees. Behind him, the Snackshroom Grove pulsed gently — always there for the next adventurer with a crunchy dream and an open heart. He whispered to the sky, "Stay weird, forest. Stay weird." THE END Or is it...?     Bring the Vibes Home Can't get enough of Fuzzwort's whimsical wanderings through Wobblewood? Now you can bring a piece of the Mushroom Mirth magic into your own space. Whether you're decking out your chill zone or gifting some forest-fueled joy, check out our Canvas Prints and Metal Prints for bold, vibrant wall art straight from Wobblewood itself. Feeling crafty? Stitch your own adventure with our Cross-Stitch Pattern, perfect for slow, mindful creating — just like Fuzzwort would want. Need something cozy to curl up with during your next snack quest? Grab a super-soft Throw Pillow, or pack your favorite crunchy finds in a magical Tote Bag. Shop the whole collection: Mushroom Mirth in Hedgehog Daze Product Line Stay weird. Stay wonderful. Stay unfocussed.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Glimpses of Gaia

The Eye in the Forest It began, as all ridiculous yet profound things do, with a terrible idea born from excellent wine. Somewhere deep in the tangled emerald forests of the forgotten world, an eccentric old monk named Tenzo Featherbeard was determined to find what the locals only whispered about: The Eye of Gaia. "It sees through all things," the innkeeper had warned, polishing his wooden mug with the reverence usually reserved for cathedrals or particularly stubborn goats. "Not just the skin of things... but their intentions." Tenzo, of course, took that as a challenge. Days turned to weeks. He wandered past glowing mushrooms that offered unsolicited advice. He stepped over meditating frogs so enlightened they levitated mid-ribbit. The forest was alive in a way that made him feel perpetually underdressed — emotionally, spiritually, and sartorially. Then one night, beneath a sky so full of stars it looked like spilled sugar, he found it. Embedded in the bark of an ancient tree was an enormous eye — scales like sapphire armor surrounding a hypnotic iris of burning gold and shifting emerald. The lashes were delicate vines tipped with bioluminescent petals. It blinked — not with hostility, but with... curiosity? Tenzo, being Tenzo, bowed dramatically and said, "Hello, you luminous ocular enigma. Care for a conversation?" The forest held its breath. Then — from deep within the roots and leaves — came the warm, velvet voice of Gaia herself: "Human. Why do you seek me?" Without hesitation — and still slightly drunk on the fermented sap of a mischievous tree — Tenzo replied: "Because I’ve lost my socks. And possibly, myself." Gaia laughed — a sound like rivers learning to giggle. The eye sparkled with cosmic amusement. "Sit, monk. Let us speak of lost things." And so he sat — cross-legged upon a mossy stone shaped suspiciously like a buttock — ready to hear truths he would likely misunderstand in the most beautiful way possible. Conversations with an Ancient Eye For what may have been hours, days, or several reincarnations of the same particularly stubborn beetle, Tenzo sat before the Eye of Gaia, basking in its strange warmth — like the feeling of sunlight filtered through an old library window, dust motes included. Gaia spoke again — her voice now slower, thicker — as if poured from an ancient teapot rarely used except for very important guests or bewildered monks: "Human. Tell me of these... socks." Tenzo sighed. "They were soft. Very soft. Handmade from the wool of a laughing mountain goat. Lost them during a bout of contemplative streaking after my enlightenment practice went sideways." The eye blinked slowly. "Ah. Attachment." "Also," Tenzo added with the gravity of a man truly pondering the universe, "they matched." The forest hummed with gentle laughter. Leaves quivered. A nearby caterpillar paused mid-transformation just to listen. The Teachings Begin (Sort of) "Human," Gaia intoned, "All things are lost eventually. Socks. Ego. Even planets. What matters is not possession... but presence." Tenzo scratched his beard thoughtfully. "So you're saying... I should go barefoot forever?" "No," she replied, "I'm saying that seeking what is lost externally often blinds one to what is already found internally." Tenzo considered this deeply, as deeply as one can while a squirrel braids your hair uninvited. The Eye Shows Him the Way Without warning, the eye dilated — rippling outward in honeycomb fractals of glowing color — pulling Tenzo into a vision. He saw himself — old, wrinkled, absurdly content — sitting on a mountain peak wearing no socks, but smiling so fully that even the wind paused to admire it. He saw villages thriving because he shared laughter instead of wisdom. He saw forests blooming because he sang off-key to them nightly. He saw lovers, friends, strangers — all touched by the presence of a foolish, barefoot monk who once lost his socks but found himself utterly... here. The Return When he awoke, the Eye of Gaia shimmered with approval. "So," Tenzo said, standing on impossibly clean forest moss, "What you're saying is... the socks were never the point." "Precisely." He bowed low. "Can I ask one last question?" "Ask." "Where the hell am I going to get more goat-wool socks? Winter is coming." The forest roared with laughter. Trees shook. Petals fell like confetti. Even the stone beneath him pulsed as if giggling. And then — just as the first morning light crested the treetops — a small, neatly wrapped bundle fell from a high branch onto his head. Inside? The softest, warmest, utterly mismatched pair of socks he had ever seen — woven from the fibers of forest dreams themselves. Epilogue: The Way Forward Tenzo Featherbeard left the forest that day not as a man who had lost something — but as one who realized everything worth having was already walking with him. His legend spread — not because he found the Eye of Gaia — but because he listened, laughed, and never took himself too seriously again. Years later, people still speak of him as the barefoot sage with mismatched socks — who taught the world that sometimes the universe gives you what you need... the moment you stop demanding it look the way you expected. And the Eye? It still watches — waiting patiently for the next fool wise enough to be ridiculous.     Bring a Glimpse of Gaia Home Perhaps, like Tenzo, you've found yourself wandering — seeking signs, symbols, or maybe just a really good pair of socks. While the forest may keep its secrets, the magic of this story lives on beyond the trees. Inspired by the very vision Tenzo discovered, you can carry your own piece of Gaia's wonder into your daily life: Metal Prints — Bold, luminous, and ready to hang in your sacred space. Acrylic Prints — For those who see clearly even when reality bends a little. Tote Bags — Because wisdom (and snacks) should travel well. Round Beach Towels — Perfect for meditation, storytelling, or sand-covered enlightenment. Cross-Stitch Pattern — For creators who know every stitch is a mantra. Every piece is a glimpse, a reminder, a quiet nudge from Gaia herself: Be present. Laugh often. Lose your socks. Find yourself.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Aubade in the Enchanted Forest

The first light of dawn shimmered through the whispering canopy of the Enchanted Forest. The trees — ancient sentinels with leaves like stained glass — cast a kaleidoscope of colors over the soft, moss-laden earth. There was a stillness in the air, the kind only found at the fragile seam between night’s last breath and day’s first awakening. She was called Liora — a wanderer, a listener, a quiet soul in search of nothing but presence itself. Her long dress of woven silk, kissed by the hues of wildflowers and moonlit streams, trailed behind her like a river of forgotten dreams. The path beneath her bare feet wasn’t marked by signs or boundaries; it formed gently as she moved — conjured by intention, not direction. The forest greeted her not with sound, but with feeling — the hum of ancient roots intertwined beneath the earth, the scent of warm cedar and soft blooms unfurling to the sky, the faint pulse of life both hidden and omnipresent. Even the stones beneath her steps seemed to release their breath after a thousand years of patient waiting. Liora walked slowly, as if time itself had loosened its grip on her. Every step was deliberate, an offering of stillness to a world overwhelmed by noise. She paused often — to touch the velvet petals of unfamiliar flowers, to trace the grooves of bark older than memory, to feel the cool pulse of stones nestled like sleeping hearts among the moss. It was here — in the sacred hush of the forest — that serenity did not need to be chased. It waited, quietly, for those willing to slow down enough to meet it. Liora was one of the few who knew this. The Aubade Garden At the heart of the forest, beyond a gentle curve in the path, there lay the Aubade Garden — a hidden grove bathed in soft morning light, where spherical blooms of impossible colors blanketed the ground like a dream made real. It was said that those who reached the Aubade Garden were granted not wishes — but clarity. Clarity not of answers — but of questions. Liora stepped into the clearing. Her breath caught — not in awe, but in gratitude. The garden was untouched by human desire. It was not meant to be conquered or consumed. It was simply to be shared — for as long as one's heart could stay quiet enough to listen. The trees stood tall around her, their trunks rising like pillars in a temple built by time. Above her, the sun’s first golden rays poured through the canopy, igniting the blossoms beneath her feet. It was not loud. It was not dramatic. It was — simply — a beginning. And so Liora sat, folding herself gently into the earth, her dress spreading like a second layer of petals across the enchanted floor. She closed her eyes. The forest breathed with her. Here, there were no lessons. No declarations. Only being. And in the stillness — she waited for the dawn’s full embrace. The Silent Dialogue Time, in the Aubade Garden, dissolved into something softer — something that did not measure itself in hours or minutes, but in the rhythms of breath and the slow unfolding of petals. Liora did not need to name this feeling. It was beyond words, woven into the very bones of the forest itself. As she sat in stillness, an invisible dialogue began between herself and the world around her. Not a conversation of speech — but of exchange. She gave her presence freely, without expectation. In return, the forest offered its secrets — delicate, quiet gifts unnoticed by those who rushed through life’s corridors. Over time, a warmth settled into her chest. Not a fiery blaze — but a gentle ember, steady and grounding. She could feel the pulse of roots beneath her, tracing their way like forgotten rivers beneath the surface of the earth. Every tree, every flower, every stone — was part of the same breath. It occurred to her that serenity was not absence — not the escape from life — but a fuller presence within it. The forest did not deny sorrow, nor did it pretend away hardship. It held space for all things — joy and grief, light and shadow — without judgment. And in doing so, it healed without effort. The Arrival of the Sun The first true rays of the morning sun crept across the treetops, cascading downward like golden silk. The spheres of color surrounding her began to glow, not with an unnatural light, but as if reflecting an inner luminescence — the quiet radiance of existence itself. Birdsong arrived — not hurried or loud — but as a gentle greeting. Each note a thread in a larger tapestry of sound. The breeze, playful yet respectful, tugged softly at her hair, carrying with it the scent of distant rain and blooming earth. Liora opened her eyes slowly. Nothing had changed — and yet everything had shifted. The forest was the same. She was the same. But within her was a clarity that words could not shape. A knowing that she belonged here — as she belonged everywhere — not as a conqueror or an intruder, but as a quiet witness to the world's unfolding beauty. The Path Forward She rose without rush. Her dress shimmered, catching the morning light like woven dawn. As she stepped forward, the ground responded — the path blooming anew beneath her feet, soft petals unfurling to mark her journey without disturbing the living tapestry around her. The way home was not marked by signs or stones. It was marked only by trust — trust in the world’s quiet rhythms, trust in her own heart's ability to listen. The Aubade Garden faded behind her — not in distance, but in presence — a sacred place that required nothing but remembrance to revisit. And so she walked — not away, but forward — carrying with her the serenity of the Enchanted Forest. The calm did not remain behind her; it lived within her now, a quiet companion through all the noise of the outside world.     Epilogue: The Forest Beyond the Forest Long after her footsteps had faded from the moss-laden paths, the Enchanted Forest remained — untouched, eternal, quietly alive. It asked for no memory. It required no proof. Those who had truly been there carried its essence not in photographs or souvenirs — but in the softened edges of their lives. For Liora, the forest had never been left behind. It echoed in the way she touched the world — in her patient gaze, in the unhurried grace of her movements, in the gentle silences she allowed to bloom between words. Sometimes — in quiet moments — she would pause wherever she was: beneath a city tree, on a sunlit balcony, or beside a river flowing through unfamiliar lands. And she would feel it again — that subtle hum beneath all things. The forest within the forest. The garden beyond the garden. And perhaps that was the truest magic of all — that serenity was not a place to find, but a way to be. A living, breathing aubade — offered again and again to the waking world, for anyone willing to listen.     Bring the Serenity Home The quiet calm of the Enchanted Forest need not stay within the pages of a story. For those wishing to carry its stillness into their daily spaces, curated creations inspired by Aubade in the Enchanted Forest are available — crafted to transform your home into a reflection of tranquility and wonder. Wrap yourself in softness, surround your space with vivid colors, or bring moments of mindful creativity into your day — all while supporting the artistry of Bill & Linda Tiepelman. Wall Tapestry — Let the forest bloom across your walls. Metal Print — Vibrant, enduring reflections of the enchanted grove. Throw Pillow — A soft place to rest, inspired by forest calm. Fleece Blanket — Wrap yourself in warmth and wonder. Cross-Stitch Pattern — A meditative creation of the forest's beauty by your own hand. Let the story live with you — not just in memory, but in the peaceful presence of your home.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Arboreal Symphony in Fractal Major

The roots hummed long before she heard them. Deep beneath the woven surface of existence, the Tree of Resonance was never silent. It pulsed — slowly — with tones beyond human frequency, casting fractal harmonics into the soul of the earth. Lyra stepped barefoot onto the veined carpet of spiraling color. She was not here to conquer, to pluck wisdom like fruit, or to carve her name into ancient bark. She came only to listen. The landscape unfolded in spiraled fractals of luminous vines and coiling roots, their forms impossibly organic yet touched with mathematical precision. Every twist and curve felt deliberate — as if designed by nature and music in secret collaboration. The Breath of the Tree Standing before the impossibly vibrant trunk, Lyra closed her eyes. She could feel the slow inhalation of the Arboreal Giant — not through lungs — but through an ancient rhythm woven into the core of existence. A pulse synchronized with tides, seasons, breath itself. Here, silence wasn’t empty. It was full. It draped around her shoulders like a cloak of invisible threads, connecting her to every rooted tendril beneath her feet, every distant bough above, unfurling into a sky woven from gradients of light. Her thoughts began to dissolve, not into nothingness — but into everything. The concept of separation softened. She was the tree. The tree was her. The infinite dance of roots and branches mirrored her own inner labyrinth of memory, emotion, and longing. Resonance and Release The Arboreal Symphony required no audience, but welcomed all. It had sung before language. Before gods. Before stars knew their names. And here, within its embrace, Lyra could feel the residue of countless souls who had stood where she stood — seekers, wanderers, the lost and the found. Colors shifted with intention. Blues softened into greens, greens ignited into fire-warm gold. The roots at her feet spiraled outward — not to possess, but to guide. They showed her paths she had forgotten existed — internal paths. Emotional rivers buried beneath layers of noise and duty. And so she breathed — not with lungs, but with being. She became rhythm. She became stillness. The tree did not heal her because she was never broken. It simply reminded her of the shape of her own song, lost beneath the static of a too-loud world. A Pause Before Descent As the sun’s fractal light bent and refracted across the infinite leaves, Lyra smiled with no reason beyond presence itself. She would descend soon, return to the world of movement and memory. But not yet. For now, she remained part of the Arboreal Symphony — a singular note in a melody older than time — held gently in the arms of fractal infinity. Descent into the Roots When Lyra moved again, it was without urgency. The tree had shifted around her. Not physically — the roots and branches remained — but perception had altered. What was once external was now a mirror. Every spiral of color beneath her bare feet echoed with her own pulse. She walked toward the base of the tree, its roots parting not in invitation, but in quiet acknowledgment. There was no gatekeeper here. No threshold guarded by ritual or code. The only key was presence. The only cost was time surrendered to stillness. The roots formed passages — arched like cathedrals, carved not by tools, but by patient growth and ancient will. Fractal patterns of light streamed through porous surfaces, cascading in hues that defied earthly language: azure that whispered memory, crimson that pulsed with forgotten names, golden light spun from the laughter of leaves. The Chamber of Echoes Lyra found herself in a hollow — vast, but intimate. At its center pulsed the Heart Root — not a beating organ, but a luminous braid of energy weaving through the earth and sky. Its sound was not heard but felt, vibrating in the bones, in the blood, in the spaces between atoms. She sat upon smooth spirals of coiled wood, letting her fingers drift through tendrils of luminous moss. There were no instructions. No expectations. Only resonance. Here she remembered. Not memories tied to narrative — not stories of who she had been — but memories older than thought. The memory of wind against newborn skin. The memory of sun-warmed stones beneath childhood feet. The memory of tears without sorrow. Laughter without reason. Integration When Lyra rose — hours or years later, time meaningless in the tree's embrace — she was not changed. She was revealed. Layers of false weight dissolved, leaving only clarity. The fractal pathways led her upward — not out — but through. Every step traced with light. Every breath a return. She emerged beneath the tree's infinite crown as night fell, the sky strewn with stars that felt impossibly close, as if she could reach up and trace their edges with her fingertips. The Symphony continued — unbroken, unending — and Lyra carried its melody within her. Not as a possession, but as a remembering. A knowing that would hum beneath her every step, her every word, long after she left this place of luminous roots and infinite branches. Stillness in Motion As she walked away, the landscape did not fade — it folded into her. The fractal tree receded not because it vanished, but because it was everywhere. Beneath stone. Beneath city. Beneath skin. It was not a place she would return to — because it had never been separate. Lyra was not the same. But she had always been whole.     Epilogue: The Quiet Between Moments Long after Lyra returned to the weaving patterns of human life — the soft hum of conversation, the brittle glow of city lights, the pull of tasks and time — the Symphony remained. It whispered in pauses. In the steam curling from morning tea. In the hush of twilight when shadows lengthened like memories returning home. In the subtle ache behind the heart when longing stirred without name or reason. The Tree of Resonance was not a distant wonder buried in a forgotten forest. It was the architecture of stillness — a map etched in the marrow of all things. Every street corner, every crowded room, every moment of solitude held its rhythm if one only listened. And so Lyra did. She became the listener. The walker-between. The weaver of quiet threads invisible to the hurried eye. Not seeking answers. Not chasing peace. But living as melody — presence unfolding note by note — in the infinite Arboreal Symphony that never truly ended.     Bring the Symphony Into Your Space The Arboreal Symphony does not belong to a distant realm alone — it can live with you, woven into the quiet spaces of your home, reminding you of stillness, connection, and wonder. Explore inspired creations featuring the vibrant fractal essence of Arboreal Symphony in Fractal Major — available in artful and functional forms to infuse your surroundings with calm and color: Cross Stitch Pattern — Craft your own reflection of the Symphony Tapestry — A wall-hung canvas of fractal serenity Canvas Print — Art for meditative spaces Fleece Blanket — Wrap yourself in color and calm Bath Towel — Everyday moments infused with vibrant energy Let the Symphony accompany you — as art, as comfort, as a gentle reminder that connection and beauty live not only in faraway places, but right here, within reach.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Squirrely Monroe

The Rise of a Forest Icon Long before the world knew her as Squirrely Monroe, she was just another bushy-tailed dreamer from the oak-lined backstreets of Central Park. Born in a hollowed-out tree with bad insulation and worse neighbors (woodpeckers, of course), little Norma Nutbaker had one dream — to be seen. Other squirrels were content chasing acorns and dodging cyclists. But not her. Not Norma. She practiced strutting along fallen branches like a catwalk. She nibbled seductively on pinecones. She whispered her famous line into the wind every night: "Some like it rough... but I like it nutty." The City That Never Sleeps (Because of Raccoons) By the time she was two (about 20 in squirrel years), she hit the underground scene — quite literally. The storm drain scene. Central Park's secret nightlife thrived beneath the grates. There were jazz mice. Dancing possums. And if you were lucky? You might catch a glimpse of Norma's famous tail swirl — the twirl that would later grace murals on tree trunks everywhere. But fame has a way of finding those who shine hardest. One breezy autumn afternoon, while foraging near 5th Avenue, she stumbled upon the moment that would define her forever... The Breeze Heard 'Round the Park She stood above a subway grate. It hummed below her like the purr of a big city engine. And then — whooooooosh — the wind caught her simple little leaf-sewn dress, sending it billowing skyward in a scandalous flurry of forest fashion. A passing pigeon paparazzi captured the moment. Within hours, she wasn’t Norma Nutbaker anymore. She Was Squirrely Monroe. Forest creatures whispered about it over mushroom cappuccinos. Raccoons tried to imitate it (poorly). And chipmunks... well, they blushed just thinking about it. But fame is never just fun and acorns, darling. Behind the glamour... was a squirrel still searching for something more. Fame, Fur, and Forbidden Nuts The High Life in the Tall Trees Overnight, Squirrely Monroe became the name whispered across the treetops. She graced the covers of every leaf-laminated magazine from Acorn Vogue to Squirrel Illustrated. Her signature look? Soft platinum fur curls (styled with dew from rare morning grass) and that windswept leaf dress — now sold in boutique burrows at frankly scandalous markups. But forest fame came at a cost. Every twig-snapping paparazzi raccoon wanted a piece of her. Even worse? Her love life became headline fodder. Enter: Reynard Fox — The Scandal of the Season Reynard was trouble. A red-furred indie actor from the West Woods. Known for his smoldering eyes, questionable poetry, and tragic allergy to beechnuts. The tabloids went wild: "SQUIRRELY FALLS FOR BAD BOY FOX — WILL IT LAST?" It didn’t. Reynard was seen one night slipping into The Burrow Room — an exclusive underground club for forest elite — with a rival socialite: Trixie Chipmint, heiress to the Minted Nut fortune. Squirrely was devastated. Heartbroken. The forest stood still. The Comeback of a Lifetime But if the world thought Squirrely Monroe would vanish quietly into the hollow... they didn’t know her at all. She retreated deep into Central Park — to a forgotten maple grove where the wind blew wild and free. There, she crafted her masterpiece performance: a one-squirrel stage show titled "Nutting Like A Woman" — a raw, funny, painfully honest story of love, fame, and survival in a world that only saw the tail, not the heart. The premiere? Legendary. Critics declared it: "A triumph of fur, fashion, and vulnerability." Her Final Bow (For Now) Today, Squirrely Monroe lives a quieter life — at least by squirrel standards. She hosts late-night fireside interviews for Nutflix, mentors young chipmunk actresses, and occasionally reenacts the pose — leaf dress swirling — for charity fundraisers benefiting displaced urban wildlife. But if you wander Central Park late at night... and listen carefully beneath the hum of the city’s heartbeat... You might just hear her famous line float through the trees: "Some like it rough... but I like it nutty." And somewhere, a squirrel dreams of being seen — just like she once did.     Epilogue: The Wind Still Remembers Her Years have passed. The city grows louder. The trees thinner. The grates rust over with time and footsteps forgotten. But not her. Every once in a while — on a warm summer night when the subway hums beneath the streets and the breeze rises just right — there’s a rustle above Central Park’s oldest grate. Some say it’s the wind. Some say it’s legend. But those who know? They pause. They smile. And they whisper to the night air: "Goodnight, Squirrely Monroe." Because icons never really leave us. They just become part of the stories we tell... when the wind feels just a little more glamorous.     Bring a Little Squirrely Monroe Home Love a little glam with your wild side? Take a piece of forest fame home with you. The iconic moment that made Squirrely Monroe a legend is now available as stunning wall art, cheeky accessories, and collector-worthy keepsakes. Canvas Prints — Bold, beautiful, and ready to steal the spotlight on your wall. Framed Prints — Classy enough for the burrow or the boardroom. Tote Bags — For carrying nuts, secrets, or just a whole lot of style. Stickers — Tiny, sassy, and ready to adorn your world one acorn at a time. Because glamour never really goes out of style — it just grows fluffier.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Midnight Clutch

The Transaction It started with a bet—because it always does. A bar too loud for conscience and too dim for decency, a stranger in a velvet hood, and a wager scribbled on a napkin: “If you win, you get what I caught. If you lose, I take your voice.” She laughed then, because she always did. “What the hell does that mean?” she’d asked, swirling her drink, blood-red and twice as toxic. The stranger didn’t answer. He just held out a deck of cards that smelled faintly of sulfur and old leather. She cut the deck, felt a zap under her fingertips, like licking a battery—but she was half-lit, halfway gone, and too proud to pull back. Three hands later, she won. Technically. She expected a bag of weird drugs. Maybe a wriggling thing in a jar. What she got was… warm. Alive. And looking at her like it already hated her guts. “You’re kidding,” she said, staring at the demon no bigger than a housecat, curled in the stranger’s black-gloved palm like a spoiled reptile. Its skin was wet, slick with blood or something trying to be it, and its teeth were small but too many. Its eyes were older than rules. It blinked—slow and smug. “He’s yours now,” the stranger said, voice like gravel in honey. “Don't name him. Don’t feed him after midnight. Don’t masturbate while he’s watching.” She choked on her drink. “Wait, what?” But the stranger was already fading into shadow, melting into the cigarette smoke and regret that passed for air in that place. All that was left was the creature in her lap, blinking its oily eyes and dragging a claw down her thigh like it was mapping her for later consumption. She didn’t name it. She called it “Dude.” “You better not piss on anything important,” she muttered, already regretting everything but the free drinks. The thing purred. Which was worse than any snarl. By sunrise, her apartment smelled like scorched leather and strange flowers. “Dude” had taken up residence in her lingerie drawer, hissed at her vibrator, and made three of her plants wilt just by looking at them. She watched him perch in her hand like some Satanic chihuahua, wings twitching, tail wrapped tight around her middle finger. That’s when she noticed: her thumb nail—bare just yesterday—was now painted crimson and sharp. Like it had grown that way. She stared at it. Then at the demon. “Dude,” she said, voice low and unsure, “are you doing... nail art?” He smiled. It was all teeth and bad news. And that’s when the scratching started. From inside the walls. The Claw That Feeds By the third night, Dude had claimed dominance over the television, her bedroom, and—possibly—her soul. She hadn’t slept. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw him: curled up like a grotesque fetus in the glow of the lamp, wings twitching, muttering in a language made entirely of consonants and war crimes. He smelled like brimstone, black licorice, and regret. Her cat had moved out. Her neighbors started leaving butcher paper on her doorstep. No one had explained why. Worse, the nail thing had escalated. All ten fingers now gleamed with blood-red lacquer, sharp enough to open envelopes or jugulars. She’d broken a mug just holding it. Her touch left scorch marks. A guy on Tinder said he was into “witchy girls” and ended up sobbing in a fetal position after she touched his thigh. “Dude,” she hissed, watching the little bastard lick something off her phone charger, “I need my life back.” He burped. It smelled like ozone and roasted anxiety. She Googled “how to reverse demonic contract” and ended up on a blog run by a guy named Craig who lived in a bunker and sold artisanal salt circles. She bought two, just in case. They did nothing. Dude pissed in one and it screamed. The scratching in the walls had turned into whispering. Sometimes it said her name. Sometimes it just recited Yelp reviews in a dead language. Once it tried to sell her life insurance. She tried holy water. Dude drank it like wine, then offered her a sip. She blacked out and woke up on her bathroom floor with her mirror cracked and her teeth cleaner than they’d ever been. Her breath smelled like cinnamon and sin. “I don’t remember giving consent to any of this,” she muttered. Dude winked. It was awful. By week two, her landlord knocked. “There’ve been complaints,” he said, squinting past her at the flickering hallway behind her. “Someone said you’re running a cult or a TikTok house.” She blinked. “I work in HR.” Behind her, Dude appeared in the shadows, eating a Pop-Tart and making intense eye contact with the landlord. The man turned white, left a notice, and moved to Colorado the next day. At some point—she’s not sure when—her reflection started moving slower than she did. It smiled sometimes. When she wasn’t. Then came the night of the knock. Not on the door—on the window. Seventh floor. No balcony. She opened it. Because of course she did. The velvet-hooded stranger was there again, hovering just outside, suspended by logic-defying darkness. His gloved hand was extended, the red nails glinting in the moonlight. “You’ve kept him well,” he said, voice like a slow drag over gravel. “And now the second half of the deal.” “There was a second half?” she asked, already regretting every drink she’d ever accepted from strangers. “He chose you. That means... promotion.” Behind her, Dude fluttered up, perched on her shoulder like the worst shoulder devil in a sitcom gone to hell. He whispered something in her ear that made her eyes roll back and her feet lift off the ground. The room trembled. The walls began bleeding down the drywall like melting crayon. Her toenails turned crimson. Her Wi-Fi signal improved. Her laughter—dry, cracked, and unstoppable—filled the air like static. When the world stopped shaking, she stood taller, eyes rimmed in black fire, her body laced in dark silk that hadn’t been there before. “Well,” she said, smirking at her clawed hand, “at least the nails are killer.” The stranger nodded. “Welcome to management.” And just like that, she vanished into shadow, taking Dude, the Pop-Tart crumbs, and the lingering smell of sin with her. The apartment was empty when the cleaning crew arrived. Except for a single note scrawled on the mirror: “Midnight Clutch: Hold tight, or be held.”     🩶 Take It Home — Midnight Clutch Lives On If you’ve fallen for the twisted charm of “Midnight Clutch,” you can now summon the darkness into your space. Bring this demonic vision to life with Canvas Prints, cast it across your lair with an epic Tapestry, or carry your sins in style with a Tote Bag. Want to snuggle the madness? Yeah, we’ve got a Throw Pillow for that. Clutch it. Display it. Offer it to your weirdest friend. Just don’t feed it after midnight.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Hoppy Hour Hideaway

The Gnome, the Beer, and the Basement of Broken Dreams There are gnomes, and then there's Stigmund Ferndingle—a retired mischief-maker turned full-time beer philosopher. While most garden gnomes settle for standing around birdbaths and silently judging your lack of weeding, Stig had different aspirations. He was done with the ceramic life. He wanted hops. He wanted barley. He wanted to forget the Great Hedge Trimmer Massacre of ’98, one Heineken at a time. He set up shop in what used to be the damp, haunted corner of an old farmhouse basement—now lovingly renamed “The Hideaway.” With cracked plaster walls and a cooler older than most midlife crises, it was everything he never dreamed of and settled for anyway. He even had a sign, crudely etched in bark, that read: "No Elves, No Fairies, No Bullshit." Stigmund wasn’t picky, just jaded. Life had smacked him with one too many acorns. He didn’t trust anyone under four feet tall or sober enough to recite a riddle. His days were spent squatting by the cooler, sipping warm beer because the electricity had been shut off ever since he tried to wire the fridge using copper from a neighbor’s wind chime. “It hummed,” he’d say. “That’s technical enough.” One Tuesday—though it could’ve been a Thursday, time’s a blur when you're drunk and immortal—Stig cracked open his last bottle of Heineken. He tilted it toward the gods of barley with a solemn toast: “To broken promises, expired coupons, and the complete absence of meaningful tax reform.” Then, from the shadows, came a voice. Gravelly, thick with regret and sausage grease. “That better be the cold one you owe me, Ferndingle.” Stig didn’t look up. He knew that voice. He’d hoped it had choked on a chicken bone and floated off into the realm of forgotten side characters. But no. Throg the Drunken Troll had found him again. “Jesus, Throg. I thought you were banned from every basement in the county after the 'Incident with the Flamethrower and the Garden Salsa.'” “I got a pardon. Said it was an art installation gone wrong. You know, cultural expression and all that crap.” Stig rolled his eyes so hard he nearly sprained a socket. He took another sip of his beer, the last precious drop of liquid sanity in a world gone mad with elves trying to unionize and hobbits opening artisanal bakeries. “Well,” he said with a burp that rattled the paint chips off the wall, “if you’re here to drink, bring your own bottle. This one’s mine, and I’m too old to share or care.” Throg grunted, dropped a cooler that clanked suspiciously, and pulled out a mysterious green bottle labeled simply “Experimental – Do Not Consume”. Stig stared at it, then slowly grinned. “...Pour me a glass, you ugly bastard.” Experimental Brews and Unforgivable Flatulence Throg poured the liquid, which fizzed like it had opinions and regrets. The smell hit first—like fermented onions wrapped in gym socks and betrayal. Stig took a whiff and immediately questioned every decision that led him here, starting with the one where he *trusted a troll with a chemistry hobby.* “What the hell’s in this?” he croaked, holding the glass like it might bite. “Bit of this, bit of that,” Throg shrugged. “Mostly swamp hops, fermented fairy tears, and something I scraped off the underside of a kobold’s armpit.” “So... brunch?” They clinked glasses, a sound not unlike two gravestones making out, and drank. The reaction was instantaneous. Stig’s beard twitched. Throg’s left eye started vibrating. Somewhere in the room, the wallpaper peeled itself off and whispered, “Nope.” “Hot DAMN,” Stig choked, eyes watering. “That tastes like regret with a lemon twist.” “You’ll get used to it,” said Throg, just before he hiccuped and briefly turned invisible, only to reappear halfway through the floorboards. “Side effect. Temporarily phased into the ethereal plane. Don’t worry, it’s mostly boring in there.” After the third glass, they were both feeling bold. Stig attempted to do a dance called the “Root Stomp of the Ancients”, which mostly involved him tripping over a nail and blaming it on a cursed floorboard. Throg, ever the artist, tried to juggle beer bottles while reciting a poem about dwarven plumbing. It ended, as these things often do, in shattered glass and someone farting loud enough to scare off a raccoon in the vents. Hours passed. The cooler emptied. The air filled with tales of failed love affairs with mushroom witches, unsuccessful startups involving enchanted bidets, and a half-formed business idea called “Brew & Doom”—a tavern that doubled as a survival obstacle course. Eventually, as twilight crept through the basement grates and the hangover fairies circled overhead like tiny, winged harbingers of doom, Stig leaned back against the cooler and sighed. “You know, Throg... for a smelly, emotionally-stunted, swamp-dwelling ex-con—I don’t entirely hate drinking with you.” Throg, now half-asleep and softly humming the troll anthem (which was mostly guttural noises and the phrase “Don’t Touch My Meat”), gave a lazy thumbs-up. “Right back atcha, ya old piss goblin.” And thus, the night ended like most nights in the Hoppy Hour Hideaway—boozy, weird, and just shy of a fire hazard. But if you listen closely on lonely nights, past the creak of old pipes and the occasional beer burp echo, you might still hear the toast: “To broken dreams, bad decisions, and the brew that made it all tolerable.”     Epilogue: The Morning After and Other Catastrophes When Stigmund awoke, he was spooning the cooler. Not romantically—more like clinging to it for emotional support as one might do with a trusted bucket during a three-day ale bender. His hat had migrated halfway across the room, and somehow his beard had acquired a mysterious braid with a tiny rubber duck tied into it. His pants were intact, but his dignity had clearly fled during the second bottle of “Experimental.” Throg was upside down in a flowerpot, snoring through one nostril while the other whistled a haunting tune. There was a crude tattoo on his belly that read “TAP THAT” with an arrow pointing downward. Whether it was ink, soot, or regret was unclear. On the wall, in green Sharpie and misspelled Old Elvish, someone had scrawled: “Here Drank Legends. And They Were... Meh.” The hangover was biblical. The kind of headache that made you question your life choices, your gods, and whether fermented fairy tears should really be FDA-approved. Stig muttered dark gnomish curses under his breath and reached for his last piece of bread, which turned out to be a coaster. He ate it anyway. Eventually, Throg stirred, farted without apology, and sat up with the grace of a walrus falling down stairs. “You got any eggs?” he croaked. “Do I look like a breakfast buffet?” Stig snapped, scratching under his beard where something small and possibly sentient had taken refuge. “Get out of my hideaway. I’ve got three days of silence scheduled and I intend to use all of them to forget last night.” Throg grinned, wiped beer foam from his eyebrow, and stood. “You say that now, but I’ll be back Friday. You’re the only gnome I know who can hold their booze and insult my mother with such poetic flair.” “Damn right,” Stig muttered, already rooting around for a clean glass and a less cursed bottle. And so the cycle would begin again—one gnome, one troll, and the questionable sanctity of the Hoppy Hour Hideaway, where the beer is warm, the insults fly freely, and magic doesn’t stand a damn chance against fermented stupidity.     Take the Hideaway Home Want to bring the beer-soaked brilliance of Stig and Throg into your own questionable life choices? We've got you covered—whether you're sobering up, blacking out, or just need to explain why your tote bag smells like hops and regret. Wood Print – Rustic, sturdy, and perfect for hanging above your bar... or over that hole you punched in the drywall during karaoke. Framed Print – Add a touch of class to your chaos. Guaranteed to start conversations, or at least halt them awkwardly. Tote Bag – Holds groceries, spellbooks, or six cans of questionable troll brew. Durable and judgment-free. Spiral Notebook – Jot down beer recipes, bad ideas, or angry letters to the HOA. Gnome-tested, troll-approved. Beach Towel – For when you pass out poolside, beer in hand, and need something soft to cushion the shame. Disclaimer: No actual trolls were harmed in the production of these fine goods. Emotionally? Maybe. But they’ll get over it.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Born of Ash and Whisper

In Which the Dragon Crashes Brunch Maggie had three rules when it came to dating: no musicians, no cultists, and absolutely no summoning spells before coffee. So imagine her mood when her Sunday hangover was interrupted by a loud pop, a puff of sulfur, and a tiny, winged demon landing face-first into her half-eaten croissant. “Excuse you,” she muttered, flicking powdered sugar off her robe. The creature sneezed, coughed up a coal, and blinked at her with large, ember-flecked eyes. It looked like a lizard mated with a nightmare and gave birth to a goth chicken nugget. It hissed. Maggie hissed back. “Listen, Hot Topic,” she grumbled, cradling her forehead, “whatever infernal womb spat you out clearly didn’t finish the instructions.” The dragon squeaked indignantly and flapped its wings in what Maggie could only interpret as attitude. Its claws were tiny. Its ego? Not so much. As she tried to pick it up using a potholder and a cereal bowl, the creature inhaled deeply and burped out a perfect smoke ring in the shape of a middle finger. “Oh, sass. You came with sass.” Thirty minutes and one minor kitchen fire later, Maggie had managed to corral the dragon into an old cat bed she’d been meaning to donate to Goodwill. It curled up like a smug little inferno and immediately fell asleep. She could swear it purred. “This is fine,” she said to no one. “This is how people become warlocks, isn’t it?” Outside, the world continued being normal. Inside her rent-controlled apartment, a dragon that smelled like burnt marshmallows and sarcasm had adopted her. She poured herself more wine. It was 10:42 a.m. In Which Maggie Joins a Cult (But Just for the Snacks) The next morning Maggie woke up to find the dragon perched on her chest like a judgmental paperweight. It smelled faintly of espresso and something illegal in three states. Its name, according to the faintly glowing rune now tattooed across her forearm, was “Cindervex.” “Well, that’s not ominous at all,” she grumbled, poking the little beast in the snout. “Do you do tricks? Pay rent? Breathe less?” Cindervex snorted a puff of ash and promptly coughed up a tiny, slightly smoking coin. Maggie inspected it. Gold. Real gold. She turned to the dragon, who looked far too pleased with himself. “Okay, you live here now.” By noon, Maggie had a dragon in a baby Björn, aviators on, and a grocery list that included ‘kale’ and ‘dragon-safe firewood.’ She did not have answers, dignity, or any real understanding of the arcane arts, but she did have a glowing wrist tattoo that now vibrated when she passed the corner of 6th and Pine. “No,” she muttered. “Not today, Satan. Or Tuesday.” But the tug of magical curiosity and the faint scent of garlic knots drew her in like a moth to a pizza oven. Down an alley, through a brick archway, and past a sentient fern that tried to unionize her hair, Maggie found herself standing before a rustic wooden door with a sign that read: “THE ORDER OF FLAME & FOCACCIA — Visitors Welcome, Opinions Optional.” “Oh great,” she said. “It’s a hipster cult.” She was greeted by a woman in a caftan made of velvet and poor decisions, who immediately clasped her hands. “You’ve brought the Emberchild! The Scaled One! The Prophet of Reheated Destiny!” “I call him Vex. And he bites people who say ‘prophet’ with a straight face.” The woman—Sunblossom, of course—led Maggie through what could only be described as Restoration Hardware meets Hellboy fanfiction. Long wooden tables. Floating candles. A small wyvern in the corner wearing a beret and reading *The Economist.* “You’re among friends here,” Sunblossom purred. “We are bound by flame. By ritual. By the brunch buffet.” “Is that a waffle fountain?” Maggie asked, stunned. “Yes. And mimosa golems. They keep your glass full until you surrender or die.” Somewhere in the distance, a man screamed, “No more prosecco, you devil sponge!” Cindervex hissed happily. Apparently, this was home now. Over goat cheese frittata and a surprisingly insightful conversation about dragon soul-bonding laws, Maggie learned that Cindervex had chosen her. Not just as a caretaker, but as a Conduit—a human being tapped to bridge the magical and mundane, possibly lead a rebellion, and definitely help design seasonal merch for the cult’s online shop. “There’s a hoodie?” she asked. “Three. And a tumbler. BPA-free.” She paused. “Okay. I'm in. But just for the hoodie. And the snacks.” The room erupted in joyous fireballs. The mimosa golem did a cartwheel. Someone summoned a kazoo-playing imp. Maggie blinked. It was chaos. It was ridiculous. It was hers. Back at her apartment that evening, Maggie collapsed on the couch, Cindervex curled at her feet. Her wrist glowed faintly with new runes: Initiate. Brunch-Approved. Caution: May Ignite Sass. She laughed. Then she poured another glass of wine and toasted the ceiling. “To destiny. To waffles. To accidentally joining a cult.” Cindervex purred, burped out a fireheart-shaped smoke ring, and stole her throw pillow. Somehow, this was the most stable relationship she’d had in years.     Epilogue: In Which Everything Burns, But Like... In a Good Way Six months later, Maggie had adjusted to life as a brunch sorceress, part-time chaos gremlin, and reluctant cult celebrity. Cindervex now had a dedicated fire-proof bean bag, his own corner of the apartment (lined with gold coins and stolen socks), and an Instagram following of 78,000 under the handle @LilSmokeyLord. They still fought—mostly over bath time and how many fireballs were considered “too many” in a laundromat—but they were a unit now. Partners. A girl and her dragon, trying to navigate a world that didn’t list “arcane brunch queen” on its tax forms. The Order of Flame & Focaccia was thriving. They opened a second chapter in Portland. The hoodie waitlist was a nightmare. Maggie had accidentally become a motivational speaker for magical burnout recovery, which she delivered with the energy of someone who once summoned a thunderstorm because her latte had too much foam. She had friends now. A talking cauldron named Gary. A banshee who did her taxes. Even a date or two, though most were scared off by the part where her pet tried to set their shoelaces on fire “as a vibe check.” But she was happy. Not the fake kind of happy you post on social media, but the weird, loud, chaotic kind that makes your neighbors suspicious and your therapist very intrigued. On the night of the Vernal Equinox, she stood on her balcony with Cindervex on her shoulder. The city glittered below. Somewhere, distant drums thudded from a magical rave she wasn’t drunk enough to attend. Yet. “We good?” she asked the dragon. He flared his wings, let out a gentle burp of violet flame, and settled in. That was dragon-speak for ‘yes, and also I’m about to pee in your houseplant.’ “You little hell nugget,” she said, smiling. “Don’t ever change.” And he didn’t. Not really. He just got weirder. Louder. More chaotic. Like her. Which, when you think about it, was kind of the point. Everything burns eventually. Might as well light it up with someone who brings their own matches and snacks. The End... probably.     Bring the Flame Home 🔥 If you fell in love with the story of Maggie and her attitude-packed dragon, you're not alone. Now you can bring their world into yours with exclusive merch inspired by Born of Ash and Whisper, available now from Unfocussed. 🔥 Metal Print – Make a statement. Fireproof-ish. Beautifully bold. 🔥 Tapestry – Turn your wall into a magical gateway (or dragon lair). 🔥 Throw Pillow – For when your emotional support dragon needs emotional support. 🔥 Greeting Card – Say it with sass and smoke rings. Perfect for dragon-worthy messages. 🔥 Spiral Notebook – Chronicle your own accidental cult adventures in style. Because honestly, who doesn’t need more dragons in their life?

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Torchbearer of the Toadstool

The Itch in the Moss The woods, contrary to poetic belief, are not serene. They are loud, rude, and filled with creatures that don’t care about your personal space — especially if you’re knee-high and have wings like stained glass. Just ask Bibble. Bibble, a fairy of questionable repute, sat atop her chosen throne: a glistening red toadstool with the kind of white speckles that screamed, “do not lick.” She licked it anyway. She did a lot of things just to spite the rules. In her grubby little hand she held a torch — not magical, not ceremonial, just a stick she lit on fire because it made the beetles scatter dramatically. That, and she liked the power trip. “By the Glimmering Grubs of Gramble Root,” she muttered, staring into the flame, “I swear, if one more gnome asks if I grant wishes, I’m setting his beard on fire.” Bibble was not your average fairy. She didn’t flit, she strutted. She didn’t sprinkle pixie dust, she shook glitter in people’s faces and yelled “Surprise, b*tch!” She was not the chosen one — she was the annoyed one. And tonight, she was on patrol. Every seventh moon, a fairy must take the Spore Watch, ensuring that the Amanita Council’s fungal empire isn’t being nibbled on by rogue badgers or cursed raccoons. Bibble took this role very seriously. Mostly because the last fairy who skipped watch was now being used as a coaster in the council’s breakroom. “Torchbearer,” came a voice behind her. Slithery. Elongated. Like someone who practiced being creepy in front of a mirror. She didn’t turn around. “Creevus. Still oozing around like a sentient rash, I see.” “Charming as ever,” Creevus replied, sliding from the shadow of a mossy log, his cloak stitched from shed snakeskin and the dreams of disappointed parents. “The Council demands an update.” “Tell the Council their mushrooms are unbitten, their borders unmolested, and their Torchbearer deeply underpaid.” She blew a puff of smoke toward him, the flame flickering like it was laughing at him too. Creevus narrowed his eyes. Or maybe he just didn’t have eyelids. It was hard to tell with creeps like him. “Don’t let your spark go to your head, Bibble. We all know what happened to the last Torchbearer who disobeyed the Spore Law.” Bibble grinned, wide and wicked. “Yeah. I sent him flowers. Carnivorous ones.” Creevus vanished back into the darkness like an overdramatic theatre major. Bibble rolled her eyes so hard she nearly levitated off her mushroom. The flame danced. The night stretched its claws. Something was watching. Not Creevus. Not a badger. Something... older. And Bibble, goddess help us, grinned wider. The Spores of Suspicion The thing about being watched in the woods is — it’s rarely innocent. Squirrels watch you because they’re plotting. Owls? Judging. But this? This was something worse. Something ancient. Bibble hopped down from her toadstool, torch held like a royal scepter, eyes narrowed. The flame’s glow made her shadow stretch tall and lanky across the mossy ground, like it was auditioning for a villain role in a woodland soap opera. “Alright then,” she shouted, twirling the torch. “If you’re going to stalk me, at least buy me dinner first. I like acorn wine and fungi you can't pronounce.” The forest answered with silence — thick, heavy, and absolutely hiding something. And then, with the elegance of a drunk centipede in heels, it emerged. Not a beast. Not a ghost. But a creature known only in whispers: Glubble. Yes, that was its name. No, Bibble wasn’t impressed either. Glubble had the face of a melted toad, the smell of compost tea, and the conversational charm of wet socks. He wore a robe made entirely of leaf husks and arrogance. “Bibble of Sporesend,” he rasped. “Bearer of Flame. Licker of Forbidden Caps.” “Oh look, it talks,” she said dryly. “Let me guess. You want the torch. Or my soul. Or to invite me to some terrible forest cult.” Glubble blinked slowly. Bibble could swear she heard his eyelids squelch. “The Flame is not yours. The Torch belongs to the Rotmother.” “The Rotmother can suck my bark,” Bibble snapped. “I lit this thing with dried moth guts and sheer spite. You want it? Make a PowerPoint.” Glubble hissed. Somewhere behind him, a slug exploded from stress. Bibble didn’t flinch. She’d once stabbed a possum with a licorice wand. She feared nothing. “You mock the old ways,” Glubble wheezed. “You taint the Watch.” “I am the Watch,” she declared, raising the torch. “And trust me, darling, I make tainting look good.” There was a sudden rumble — deep beneath the forest floor. Trees leaned in. Moss shivered. From the base of Bibble’s old toadstool throne came a sound like choking fungus. “Ah, fantastic,” she muttered. “I woke the throne.” The mushroom had been enchanted, yes. But no one told her it had feelings. Especially not the emotionally unstable kind. It stood now, unfolding from the ground like a sad inflatable sofa, eyes blinking beneath its cap, and let out a pitiful groan. “Torch…bearer…” it moaned. “You… never moisturize me…” Bibble sighed. “Not now, Marvin.” “You sat on me for weeks,” it whimpered. “Do you know what that does to a mushroom’s self-esteem?” Glubble raised a clawed hand. “The Rotmother comes,” he declared with terrible drama. Thunder rolled. Somewhere, an owl choked on its tea. “And I’m sure she’s lovely,” Bibble deadpanned. “But if she tries to mess with my watch, my torch, or my emotionally needy mushroom, we are going to have a situation.” The woods fell into chaos. Roots whipped like angry noodles, spores exploded from the ground in clouds of glittery rage, and a deer — possessed by pure drama — threw itself sideways into a ravine just to avoid involvement. Bibble, torch raised, yelled a war cry that sounded suspiciously like “You fungal freaks picked the wrong fairy!” and leapt onto Marvin’s back as he sprinted like a caffeinated Roomba through the underbrush. Glubble pursued, screaming ancient rot-prayers and tripping over his own leaves. Behind them, the Rotmother began to rise — enormous, festering, and surprisingly well-accessorized. But Bibble didn’t care. She had a flame. A throne. And just enough bad attitude to spark a revolution. “Next full moon,” she shouted into the wind, “I’m bringing wine. And fire. And maybe some self-help books for my throne.” She cackled into the mossy night as the forest shuddered with spores and chaos and the joy of one fairy who absolutely did not care about your ancient prophecies. The flame burned brighter. The Watch would never be the same.     Epilogue: The Fire and the Fungus The woods eventually stopped screaming. Not because the Rotmother was defeated. Not because Glubble found inner peace or because the Council decided to cancel Bibble (they tried — she cursed their group chat). No, the forest settled because it realized one immutable truth: You don’t fight Bibble. You adjust your entire ecosystem around her. The Spore Laws were rewritten, mostly in crayon. The official title “Torchbearer” was changed to “Spicy Forest Overlord,” and Bibble insisted her mushroom throne be referred to as “Marvin, the Moist Magnificent.” He cried. A lot. But it was growth. Creevus retired early, moved to a cave, and started a disappointing podcast about ancient fungus. Glubble joined a moss therapy group. The Rotmother? She’s now on TikTok, doing slow, haunting makeup tutorials and reviewing mushrooms with disturbing intimacy. As for Bibble? She built a shrine out of old beetle shells and sarcasm. Every now and then, she hosts illegal bonfires for delinquent fairies and teaches them how to yell at shadows and forge torches from twigs, venom, and pure audacity. When travelers pass through the woods and feel a sudden warmth — a flicker of fire, a rustle of glittery defiance — they say it’s her. The Torchbearer of the Toadstool. Still watching. Still petty. Still, somehow, in charge. And somewhere, under the roots, Marvin sighs happily… then asks if she brought lotion.     If you feel your life lacks just a little chaos, confidence, or flaming toadstool energy — bring Bibble home. You can channel your inner Torchbearer with a framed print for your lair, a glorious metal print for your altar of chaos, a soft and suspiciously magical tapestry for wall summoning rituals, or a wickedly stylish tote bag to carry snacks, spite, and questionable herbs. Bibble approves. Probably.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Echoes of Tropic Thunder

The Sky Is Not Your Stage—It’s Mine In the heart of a rainforest that tourists only reach after three panic attacks, two leech bites, and at least one existential crisis, there exists a legend. Not a whispered myth or a carved-to-death tribal tale, no. A living, screeching, full-plume riot of a legend. His name? Rey Azul del Humo. Or as the gringos call him—"That Bastard Bird Who Stole My Hat." Rey Azul was no ordinary macaw. He didn’t just fly—he descended. Like Zeus in feathered drag, wrapped in smoke and attitude. His tail alone could spark an identity crisis in a peacock, and his beak had tasted more camera lenses than rainforest fruit. If a storm brewed, it was only because he willed it. If a rainbow showed up afterward, he rolled his eyes and said, “Try harder.” Locals worshipped him, or at least pretended to, mostly out of fear that he'd steal their cigarettes or poop on their roof tiles in judgment. He ruled the treetops with a charisma only rivaled by that one ex you still dream about but tell your therapist you're over. One time, a drone tried to film him. Rey Azul performed a full aerial backflip, flipped the drone the metaphorical bird mid-air, and then escorted it—with talons—to the ground. He then sat on it, spread his wings, and screeched for ten glorious minutes while the jungle watched in awkward awe. He was more than feathers and fury—he was an icon. A flamboyant middle finger to subtlety. A war cry for color, chaos, and unapologetic pride. The forest didn’t just echo with thunder; it echoed with him. His voice. His strut. His feathers that shimmered like they were sponsored by some illicit alliance of tequila and glitter. And Rey knew it. Oh, he knew. Every snap of his wings was a statement piece. Every time he perched on a limb, it became a throne. This wasn't nature. This was fashion week on acid. With claws. He didn’t blend in. He refused to. That’s for parrots with a job. Rey was freelance at best—an untamed contractor of disruption and sky drama. And so, when the smoke rose—fiery orange, electric blue, impossible purple—it wasn’t because the world was on fire. It was because Rey Azul felt dramatic that day. Burnt Sky, No Regrets Now let’s set the scene: dawn. But not your serene Instagrammable dawn where birds tweet and yoga mats breathe lavender-scented dreams. No, this was Rey Azul’s kind of dawn—blazing, loud, chaotic. Somewhere between a Renaissance painting and a nightclub fire hazard. The jungle wasn’t waking up gently. It was getting slapped in the face by feathers and told to get fabulous or get forgotten. Today was not an ordinary strut-and-squawk kind of day. No. Rey had plans. A tropical storm was incoming, and the humidity clung to the air like a desperate ex. He could smell ozone and human incompetence drifting in with the wind. Somewhere, a wildlife photographer was crouching in khakis they hadn’t earned, whispering, “Come on, baby, just one clean shot.” Rey chuckled internally. He lived for this. High in the canopy, he fluffed his chest feathers into what could only be described as a tactical glam formation. He was about to give them a show. Not for the humans. Not for the tourists. Not for the scientists who called him “subject M-47” like he was some jungle spreadsheet. No, this performance was for himself. Because if you weren’t serving main-character energy in the face of environmental collapse, what even was the point? He launched into the air with a screech that could curdle oat milk. Smoke—because of course there was smoke—billowed around him in orange and violet tendrils, summoned either by pure physics or the raw drama he exhaled with every beat of his wings. He didn't fly; he stormed the atmosphere. A full riot in slow motion. Below him, a sloth looked up mid-yawn and muttered, “Oh no, he’s monologuing again.” But no one could hear it over the roaring of feathers slicing air like gossip through a brunch table. The smoke coiled like an adoring serpent around his tail feathers. Tropical fire met monsoon sky, and Rey danced in between—equal parts deity and drag queen, part myth, part middle finger to normalcy. It was performance art. It was rebellion. It was bird-on-bird dominance theater, and it was fabulous. The drone returned. A new one. Different brand. Different owner. Probably insured. This time, Rey paused mid-air, turned to face it like a Shakespearean actor seeing his fate in a floating eye of metal, and did the one thing no machine could understand: He winked. The footage went viral. “Real-life phoenix?” the headlines read. “Jungle diva spotted over Amazon.” Rey was indifferent. He didn’t read blogs. He was the blog. Later that day, soaked in rain and unbothered, Rey perched atop the highest branch in the jungle. The storm cracked open the sky like a broken promise, and lightning lit the forest in brief strobe-lit snapshots. He squawked once—short, sharp, and final. Down below, someone whispered, “What the hell was that?” A guide smiled, looked to the clouds, and said, “Just thunder. And ego.” But it wasn’t thunder. Not really. Not anymore. It was the Echo of Tropic Thunder. And his reign? Unquestioned. Unfiltered. Unapologetically ablaze. Rey Azul del Humo didn’t rule the jungle. He was the jungle—with extra smoke, a touch of glitter, and not a single ounce of chill.     Epilogue: Plume & Legacy Years passed, as they do in jungles and in dreams—slow, sticky, and full of chirping you can never quite identify. Rey Azul? He never died. Please. That kind of drama queen doesn’t get a “death”—he gets a departure. A vanishing act so seamless that even the clouds paused to reconsider their relevance. One day, the jungle just... got quieter. Not in sound, but in energy. As if someone had taken down the main stage after the last encore. The trees still swayed. The birds still sang. But that lingering sense of judgmental fabulousness? That divine eye-roll energy? It was gone. Some say he flew into a thunderstorm and never came back. Others say he’s immortal, traveling from canopy to canopy like some avian freelance chaos spirit. A few jungle elders insist he lives in the smoke itself now—every tendril a whisper of his laugh, every curl of mist a flash of his impossible feathers. There are signs. A rainbow that forms with too much attitude. A gust of wind that feels like it’s side-eyeing your outfit. A branch that shakes just a bit too sassy for a squirrel. And if you ever see a sudden burst of smoke colored like fire and twilight had a scandalous love child? You bow. You don’t question. You whisper, “He’s watching.” Because Rey Azul del Humo may be gone from sight, but legends never really leave. They just perch higher than you can see—and judge silently, from above.     🔥 Take the Thunder Home If Rey Azul’s unapologetic chaos, color, and charisma struck a chord in your soul, why not bring that energy into your daily life? Our exclusive "Echoes of Tropic Thunder" collection turns attitude into art across premium lifestyle products. Just like the bird himself, these aren't here to blend in. 🔥 Metal Print – For bold walls and unapologetic vibes. Sleek, high-gloss, and as dramatic as Rey himself. 🌀 Tapestry – Drape your space in fire and feathered fury. Interior decor just got tropical. 👜 Tote Bag – Carry chaos with you. Groceries, books, or just your unfiltered personality—it fits. 💥 Throw Pillow – For resting your head after a long day of being louder than life. Feathers fade, but style lasts forever. Shop now and add some thunder to your space.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Bloomkeeper's Lamb

The Garden That Grew Itself Somewhere between where the map ends and where afternoon naps become time travel, there’s a village so small it fits in a pocket dimension — or at least inside the walls of Mrs. Tattersham’s overgrown back garden. Nobody really *moves* there. People just show up with suitcases they don't remember packing and an odd craving for elderflower cordial. They call it Hushmoor Hollow. Now, Hushmoor was known for many things: silent goats, whispering fences, and that one Tuesday when it rained marmalade (don’t ask). But mostly, it was known for the Garden That Grew Itself — a spectacular riot of peonies, roses, and things with far too many vowels in their botanical names, blooming entirely out of sync with the seasons and sometimes in sync with showtunes. No one admitted to tending it. The mayor (a retired opera singer named Dennis) insisted it was “self-cultivating,” though he did once get caught pruning the azaleas while singing to them in Italian. But the truth — the real, whispered-at-tea-time truth — was this: the garden belonged to the Bloomkeeper. And the Bloomkeeper’s lamb? She was a fluffball of inconvenient mysteries. Imagine a lamb. Not your average field-hopper. This one’s wool swirled in tight little curls like spun sugar, shifting hues depending on the angle of the sun or whether you’d said anything cynical lately. She smelled faintly of peppermint and improbable hope. Her eyes? Far too intelligent for someone who frequently licked tree bark like it owed her money. Her name was Luma, and she arrived one spring evening precisely 14 minutes after Hushmoor’s last clock stopped ticking. She simply walked out from the thickest bloom of moon-roses and looked at the villagers like they were the surprise, not her. No one knew where she came from. But the garden grew twice as fast after she appeared. And twice as weird. Within a week, the begonias started forming synchronized dance formations. Bees spoke in haiku. Dennis was abducted briefly by a very polite mushroom (he came back smelling of tea and thunderclaps). And Luma? She just stood there, blinking slowly, like she was waiting for someone to finally read the instructions. Then the dreams started. Dreams of distant bells, ancient keys, and doors made entirely of petals. Everyone in Hushmoor had them, though no one spoke of it aloud, because — well — that's how things work in magical villages held together by gossip and curiosity. One morning, a letter appeared under Luma’s hooves. It was written in gold ink and smelled like elderflower and ambition. The note read: “You are late. The Bloomkeeper is missing. Please report to the Seventh Gate immediately. And bring the lamb.” Luma blinked twice. Then, turning with an alarming sense of purpose for someone shaped like a marshmallow, she trotted toward the forest edge. Nobody moved. Nobody spoke. Until Dennis, back from his fungal escapade, said: “Well, bollocks. I guess we’re going adventuring, then.” And that’s how the village, the lamb, and a great deal of gardening equipment found themselves heading into a realm they didn’t know existed, to find someone they weren’t sure was real… led by a pastel-colored mystery with a peppermint-scented butt. The Seventh Gate (And Other Unwise Landscaping) The party was seven strong: Dennis, who insisted on bringing opera binoculars despite lacking an opera; Miss Turnwell, the village baker with a suspicious knowledge of swordplay; two identical twins named Ivy who communicated exclusively in interpretive sneezes; young Pip, who had recently turned into a flower for an afternoon and come back oddly confident; a shovel named Gregor (don’t ask); and of course, Luma — the pastel lamb with a gaze like she remembered your childhood secrets. They followed her through the forest, which was less a forest and more a polite riot of sentient topiary. The hedges whispered things like “left at the mushrooms” or “have you seen my comb?” and nobody seemed to question it. Luma never faltered. Her tiny hooves barely touched the mossy floor as if the earth was giving her a gentle push with each step. The Seventh Gate turned out to be a large wrought iron arch nestled between two ancient willow trees, with glowing vines spelling out the words: “If You’re Reading This, It’s Probably Too Late.” It gave off the exact vibe of a place that had opinions about who was worthy — or at the very least, a strong interest in dramatic timing. “Shall we knock?” Dennis asked, before the gate sighed audibly and swung open on its own, revealing… a hallway. Not a garden path or a mystical realm. Just a dimly lit hallway that looked like it had been designed by someone who once ate a candle and thought, “Yes. This should be a vibe.” They stepped inside, and immediately, their thoughts got louder. Not verbally — mentally. Pip’s inner monologue began narrating everyone’s actions in a dramatic voice (“Dennis brandishes his opera glasses, bold but emotionally conflicted!”), while one of the Ivys projected continuous images of extremely disappointed grandparents. Miss Turnwell’s brain kept chanting “There is no muffin. There is only the jam.” over and over. Only Luma seemed unfazed. She trotted down the corridor as the very walls shimmered with blooming vines and smells that didn’t exist in the normal world — scents like “first kiss in spring rain” and “cherry pie left on a windowsill for someone who never came home.” At the end of the corridor was a room. Round. Bright. Floating somewhere between “luxury greenhouse” and “witch’s conservatory.” And at the center, reclining on a throne made entirely of thistles and chamomile, was the Bloomkeeper. Or… what was left of her. She looked like someone had pressed ‘pause’ halfway through turning into a constellation. Stars blinked from her cheeks, vines curled through her hair, and her voice sounded like bees politely holding a meeting. “You're late,” she said, eyes on Luma. “I expected you… two blooms ago.” Luma snorted. Loudly. A tiny peony popped from her wool and bounced across the floor. No one knew what that meant, but the Bloomkeeper smiled — that kind of smile that might turn into lightning or forgiveness, depending on how you held it. “They came with you,” she said, gesturing toward the awkward line of villagers now pretending to know how to stand heroically. “That changes things.” “What things?” asked Pip, nervously adjusting a petal that had mysteriously sprouted from his collarbone. The Bloomkeeper stood, her vines curling gently around her arms like living lace. “The garden is no longer content with itself,” she said. “It wants… out.” A moment passed. A deep, root-stirring silence. “Out… of what?” Dennis asked slowly. “Out of here,” she whispered, tapping her temple. “Out of dreams and into streets. Into cities. Into poems written in chalk and hearts that forgot to water themselves.” Luma bleated. The Bloomkeeper nodded. Then, without warning, she unraveled — not in a sad way. More like she’d turned into wind and light and something older than both. In her place stood a mirror. Inside it: a garden. Wild. Blooming. Alive. And waiting. Underneath, a message etched in petals: “To tend a garden like this, you must first break open.” The mirror rippled. And Luma walked through it. The others stood, blinking, unsure. Until Ivy (or was it the other Ivy?) took Pip’s hand and stepped in after her. Then Miss Turnwell. Then Gregor the shovel (still don’t ask). One by one, they entered — shedding old fears like petals on the wind. Only Dennis hesitated. He looked back once, toward the place they'd come from — the cozy, bizarre little village of Hushmoor. Then forward, into the blooming unknown. He straightened his jacket, adjusted his opera glasses, and said: “Right. Let’s garden some chaos.” And with that, the gate closed behind them. But somewhere in Hushmoor, the flowers still danced. And if you looked closely, you’d see new ones blooming — ones that hadn’t existed before. Ones shaped like memory, mischief… and a little lamb’s hoofprint in the soil.     Epilogue: The Hoofprint and the Hush Years passed, as they do — irregularly, if you're in Hushmoor — and the village changed in ways that no one could quite measure. The fences no longer whispered (they sang now, mostly jazz standards), and the marmalade rain had become seasonal rather than spontaneous. The garden remained, impossibly alive, though no one pruned it anymore. It pruned itself, occasionally into the shapes of things not yet invented. Flowers bloomed in languages. Peonies opened to reveal keys, poems, and once, a tiny pair of socks labeled “emotional backup.” And every so often, someone new would appear. Not move in — just appear. Standing at the gate with grass in their shoes and a look like they’d accidentally remembered a dream. They would walk through the village, take tea with Miss Turnwell (still the baker, now also a semi-retired wand instructor), and eventually find themselves near the mirror — now standing proudly at the edge of the garden, framed by twining lavender and a little sign that read: “Proceed if you wish to bloom unbegracefully.” No one saw Luma again in quite the same way. But every full moon, the flowers would bend toward the horizon, as if listening. And in the morning, there’d always be a single perfect hoofprint in the soil. Right at the gate. It smelled faintly of peppermint. And impossible hope. Somewhere out there, beyond mirror and vine, the Bloomkeeper’s Lamb still wandered. Growing gardens in people’s hearts. Snorting at overly serious poets. And making sure no one — not even the most cynical, root-bound soul — forgot that they, too, were meant to bloom. The End. Sort of.     If the story lingered in your chest like a dream you’re not ready to wake from, you can bring a piece of Hushmoor Hollow home. The Bloomkeeper’s Lamb is available as a framed print to enchant your walls, a metal print that gleams like moonlit garden gates, a throw pillow to cuddle like a slightly mysterious pastel companion, and even a fleece blanket — warm enough to ward off even the most cryptic chills. Let your space bloom with whimsy and wonder, one hoofprint at a time.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Brave Little Liar

Fin It to Win It Deep in the tepid shallows of the neighborhood koi pond—not even a proper lake, mind you—swam a goldfish with delusions far grander than his gallon-sized existence allowed. His name? Morty. Short for Mortimer T. Bubbleton III, if you asked him, though nobody ever did. Morty wasn’t your average ornamental peasant, content to dart between pebbles and wait for toddler fingers to drop pellets from above. No, Morty had ambition. And, more dangerously, he had imagination. “I wasn’t born to swish around with these soggy yes-fish,” he muttered one morning, as he flared his gills at his own reflection in a pond-filter bubble. “I was born to terrorize the tides. I was born to make the ducks flee.” And so, with a DIY spirit usually reserved for frustrated dads in garages and underpaid Etsy sellers, Morty strapped on a shark fin. Not a digital dream, not a Photoshop gag—an actual foam-core dorsal, painted battleship gray, affixed to his slimy gold frame with a bit of lost Velcro and a single shoelace. How it stayed on is a mystery best left to aquatic gods or science fiction. At first, the pond erupted in chaos. The minnows squealed (yes, audibly), the frogs fled to the reeds, and even a particularly judgy heron reconsidered his lunch plans. Morty felt it. That glorious, terrifying power. He wasn’t Morty anymore. He was Megalofish. The Finomenon. King of the chlorinated swamp! “Bow before me, you algae-humping cowards!” he bellowed, though it came out more like *blub-blub-snort-gargle*. Still, the message landed. But as the days passed, Morty realized that power came with, shall we say, logistical challenges. For starters, the fin dragged like a sunken brick. His signature tail flick was reduced to a sad little wiggle, and his stealth factor was effectively zero. Any stealth was out the window the moment the fin hit the surface and cut a dark triangle of terror across the water. He was a floating warning label: “Might be overcompensating.” And the koi—those slow, sashimi-colored nobodies—began to talk. Whisper, gossip, giggle behind their gills. “Who does he think he is?” sneered Bubbles, a koi with the personality of a beige carpet. “It’s not even saltwater.” “That’s not even his fin,” added another, who once tried to mate with a decorative rock and now fancied herself an intellectual. But Morty didn’t care. He had something more dangerous than credibility—he had delusion and audacity, which, in the right combination, could move mountains or at least knock over a moderately tall water lily. Then came the day the humans noticed. Oh yes. The human child, in his grubby Crocs and marshmallow-sticky hands, squatted by the pond, eyes wide as sewer lids. “Mom,” he screeched. “There’s a shark in the pond!” And Morty, oh sweet, ridiculous Morty, surfaced with dramatic flair. Fin cutting the surface. Pose immaculate. Gaze fierce. He was a badass. He was a beast. He was... netted immediately and dumped in a fishbowl for observation. The fall was fast. The bowl was small. The delusion? Still very, very large. “They had to remove me,” Morty rationalized, swirling dramatically against the glass. “Too powerful for containment. Too dangerous. I was a threat to the balance of nature. And the ducks.” He would return. He would rise again. With a bigger fin. A better strap. Maybe even a second fin. Who said sharks only get one? And somewhere, deep in the pond’s silent reeds, the koi whispered nervously. Because they knew— Morty was full of crap… but damn it, sometimes crap floats. The Return of the Fin King Morty spent four full days swirling in that sad, little glass bowl like some kind of imprisoned celebrity—part sideshow attraction, part cautionary tale. The humans poked, filmed, and posted his every motion. “Goldfish with shark fin! 😂 #TinyTerror #FakeAF”. Millions of views. Millions of laughs. And still, Morty plotted. Oh yes. Beneath the filter’s hum and beside a tiny ceramic pirate chest, revenge simmered like pondscum in July. “Laugh it up, land apes,” he muttered, gnawing a flake of food with the quiet rage of a disgraced general. “But I will return. And this time, I’m bringing teeth.” Day five, Morty made his move. Under cover of toddler nap time, a careless elbow tipped the bowl. He rode the wave like Poseidon in a Vegas stunt show, flopping gloriously onto the linoleum, screaming (internally) all the way. The humans panicked. Shrieks. Towels. Tears. One of them yelled something about “emotional damage to the child.” Morty just gasped and blinked like an Oscar-winner in a dying scene—pure drama, pure manipulation. He survived. Again. And with great triumph came great reward: they released him back into the pond. **HIS** pond. The prodigal fin had returned. But things had changed. The koi had leveled up. One had a decorative tattoo—just algae, but the effect was vaguely intimidating. Another now spoke in cryptic philosophical riddles after binge-floating near the garden Buddha. And worst of all, someone had installed a plastic alligator head in the water to “keep the birds away.” As if that would scare Morty the Menace. He needed a new plan. A bigger splash. So he doubled down on everything. Two fins now—one dorsal, one tail. He crafted them from a child’s broken flip-flop and a tiny action figure’s shield. Resourceful. Trashy. Perfect. With hot glue stolen from a garage cobweb and bits of string, Morty rigged himself into a full-blown aquatic warrior. Think Mad Max, but fishier and less vegan. He emerged like an absolute lunatic—tail thrashing, fins wobbling, eyes bugged like a sleep-deprived tax auditor. The pond erupted. Frogs dove. Minnows screamed. The koi? They froze. There was no denying it: he looked insane. “I AM MORTY, BRINGER OF CHAOS,” he bellowed. “I HAVE ASCENDED. I AM TWO-FINNED NOW.” “You look like a floating garage sale,” someone whispered. “EAT MY BUBBLES,” Morty screamed back. But this time, something weird happened. The fear? It didn’t fade—it mutated. They weren’t just laughing at him now. They were respecting the madness. Koi started mimicking his movements. A turtle did a lap in his honor. Even the heron gave him a single, slow nod from across the yard—predator to predator. Or, you know, predator to deeply confused maniac with a plastic fin complex. Still. It counted. The pond had changed. But so had Morty. He wasn’t just pretending anymore. The line between bluff and belief had dissolved. He was the fin. The delusion had become identity. And identity? That’s power, baby. Now, when the human child squats by the pond, marshmallow residue crusting his lip, he doesn't laugh. He watches. Reverent. Maybe a little scared. And Morty? Morty swims slow. He lets the fin breach the surface just slightly. Just enough to make someone spill their juice box. He doesn’t need to be big. He doesn’t need to be real. He just needs to be bold enough to believe his own bullshit. And in this pond, that’s how legends are made. Morty the Fin King.Tiny. Loud. Unhinged. Unstoppable. And somewhere, across the rippling surface of the koi kingdom, a single whisper floats: “Sometimes, all it takes is a fake fin and the balls to wear it.”     Epilogue: The Gospel According to Morty Years later—okay, more like six months, which is forever in goldfish terms—Morty lives on not as a fish, but as a myth. A damp, slightly delusional, wildly over-accessorized myth. The koi now wear fins. Not real ones, mind you, just painted-on symbols of rebellion. There’s a secret “Fin Club,” complete with weekly surface meetings and algae cocktails. No frogs allowed. The turtle has started a podcast. Humans still visit the pond. They peer in, whisper, point. “That’s where the shark-fish came from,” they say, like they’ve stumbled upon some cryptid spawning ground. Kids press sticky faces to the glass, hoping for a glimpse. Some say they’ve seen him. Others claim he’s long gone. But under the water, just past the lily pads, a faint shimmer sometimes cuts the surface. A triangle. A ripple. A legacy. And in the pond’s darkest corner, beneath a sunken Tonka truck and a pile of abandoned fish flakes, something stirs. A bubble. A blub. A whisper: “Don’t ever let them tell you you’re just a goldfish.” Because Morty proved it—loudly, ridiculously, triumphantly: fake fins, real guts. Long live the lie.     Bring Morty Home (But Maybe Not in a Bowl) If you felt the bold, briny energy of Morty the Fin King ripple through your soul, good news—now you can bring his legendary nonsense into your actual habitat. Art Print – Display Morty's greatest moment on your wall. Warning: may inspire overconfidence. Framed Print – For when you're feeling extra fancy, like Morty in his two-fin era. Shower Curtain – Start every day with aquatic ambition and unnecessary drama. Bath Towel – Dry off with the confidence of a goldfish who thinks he’s a predator. Brave Little Liar because sometimes, greatness starts with a fake fin and a load of gall.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Easter Gnome's Secret Stash

Of Eggs and Egos It was the Thursday before Easter, and somewhere in the overgrown back corner of an English cottage garden, a gnome named Barnaby Thistlebum was preparing for what he considered to be the most important event of the year: the Annual Egg Hiding Championship. An event so sacred, so deeply rooted in gnome culture, that it made the Summer Solstice Pie Bake-Off look like amateur hour. Barnaby wasn't your typical gnome. While most of his kin were content with humming over mushrooms or pruning violets with unnecessary drama, Barnaby had ambition. And not just the small kind. We’re talking *legendary underground chocolate mafia* levels of ambition. His dream? To become the most feared and revered egg-hider in all the woodland realms. This year, however, the stakes were high. Rumors whispered through tulip petals and buzzed by gossipy bees told of a challenger—a mischievous sprite known only as “Twig.” Twig, it was said, had mastered the art of egg invisibility and once hid an egg inside a robin’s nest mid-flight. Barnaby, naturally, took offense to this. “Nonsense,” he scoffed, peering through his monocle at the basket of glittering, impossibly well-decorated eggs he’d lacquered himself. “Floating eggs. Invisible eggs. What’s next, eggs that quote Nietzsche?” Armed with nothing but his own ingenuity and a suspiciously sticky map of the garden, Barnaby set out at dawn. His beard was braided for aerodynamic efficiency. His olive shirt bore the proud badge of the Gnomeland Security Agency (a title he awarded himself, complete with laminated ID card). And in his hands? Two eggs of epic misdirection—one filled with confetti and the other with marzipan whiskey truffles. He placed eggs in birdhouses, teacups, and the hollow of a boot once owned by a garden witch with a gambling problem. Every egg had its story. The pink-striped one with the glitter shell? Hidden beneath a dandelion trap that would sneeze glitter on any who disturbed it. The blue speckled egg? Dangling from a fishing line rigged between two daffodils, swaying like bait for curious children and cocky squirrels. By mid-afternoon, Barnaby was sweaty, smug, and just a little bit drunk on the truffle fillings he'd “quality checked.” With only one egg left, he sat on a mossy rock, admiring his handiwork. The garden looked innocent enough—an explosion of color and bloom—but beneath the daffodil dazzle lurked 43 impossibly hidden eggs and one emotionally unstable toad guarding a golden one. “Let Twig try to top this,” Barnaby muttered, pulling his hat over his eyes and collapsing backward into a pile of lavender. He laughed to himself, then quickly stopped, realizing his laughter sounded just a bit too villainous. “Damn it, keep it whimsical,” he reminded himself aloud. The Great Egg War of Willowbend When Barnaby Thistlebum awoke the next morning, he was immediately aware of two things: one, the bees were unnaturally quiet, and two, he’d been pranked. It wasn’t the type of gentle prank one might expect in the gnome world—like daffodil dye in your tea or enchanted hiccups that sang madrigals. No. This was full-on sabotage. The kind of prank that screamed “war has been declared and it’s pastel-colored.” His eggs… were gone. All 43 of them, plus the emotionally unstable toad. In their place: ceramic decoys, each one shaped like a smug-looking acorn with Twig’s initials carved on the bottom in aggressive cursive. Even worse, a hand-written note lay at his feet, folded into the shape of a duck (a show-off move if there ever was one): “Nice hiding spots, Thistlebum. I found them all before brunch. Thought I’d leave you something to remember me by. Hoppily yours, —Twig 🧚‍♂️” Barnaby’s fists clenched. Somewhere deep in his beard, a robin nesting for the season sensed a tremor of rage and relocated to a less chaotic gnome. “This. Means. WAR,” he hissed, channeling the fury of a thousand overcooked scones. And so began the Great Egg War of Willowbend. Barnaby sprang into action like a garden ninja fueled by spite and caffeine. He sprinted (okay, briskly waddled) back to his burrow, where he retrieved his secret stash of emergency eggs. Not just any eggs, mind you—these were trick eggs, each one a miracle of gnome engineering and bad decisions. Among them: The Screamer: emits the sound of an angry goat when touched. The Sleeper: contains poppy spores to mildly sedate nosy elves. The Gossip: whispers your secrets back at you until you cry. Barnaby recruited allies—mostly disgruntled woodland creatures and one exiled hedgehog who owed him a favor. Together, they deployed decoys and diversions, leaving a trail of false clues across the garden. Gnome scouts delivered misinformation wrapped in daisy petals. Smoke bombs made of thyme and sassafras exploded into clouds of lavender deception. By twilight, the garden had become a minefield of psychological warfare. And then, just as Barnaby prepared to unleash The Whispering Egg (a sentient creation banned in three provinces), a shriek cut through the air. “AAAAUGH! MY HAIR IS FULL OF HONEY!” Twig. The sprite emerged from the rosebushes, soaked head to toe in wild honey and wearing a daisy chain crown now swarming with bees. Barnaby cackled with the kind of unhinged joy usually reserved for the final act of a Shakespearean tragedy. “You fell for the Bee Trap!” he shouted, brandishing a spoon like a sword. “You sticky little goblin!” Twig glared, swatting bees and dignity with equal desperation. “You planted eggs full of jam in my treehouse!” “That was diplomacy!” Barnaby countered. “You vandalized my truffle stash!” “You threatened me with an egg that quotes Nietzsche!” “That egg was philosophical, not aggressive!” And then, something strange happened. They laughed. Both of them, doubled over in the honeysuckle, choking on pollen and absurdity. The war had lasted less than a day, but it was legendary. And as the moon rose over the garden, they sat together beneath a weeping willow, sipping rosehip tea spiked with questionable gnome brandy, watching fireflies blink over the now egg-littered battlefield. “You know,” Twig said, “you’re not half bad… for a lawn ornament with control issues.” “And you’re not completely insufferable,” Barnaby replied, raising a tiny toast. “Just ninety percent.” They clinked teacups. Peace was declared. Sort of. Every year since, they’ve kept the tradition alive—a new Egg War each spring, escalating in chaos and creativity. And though the garden suffers for it, the residents agree on one thing: Nothing brings a community together like petty rivalry, surprise bees, and an emotionally unstable toad with a grudge.     Epilogue: The Legend Grows Years passed. Seasons turned. The garden bloomed, withered, bloomed again. Children came and went, occasionally stumbling across a glittery egg tucked beneath a fern or a suspiciously sarcastic toad loitering by the compost heap. But the legend… oh, the legend remained. Barnaby Thistlebum and Twig the Sprite became something of a seasonal myth—two mischievous forces of nature bound by rivalry, respect, and an unhealthy obsession with outwitting one another via painted eggs. Each spring, the garden braced for their antics like a tavern bracing for karaoke night: with mild dread, popcorn, and a first-aid kit. The gnomes began betting on who would “win” each year. The woodland creatures organized viewing parties (squirrels made excellent commentators, albeit biased). And the bees? Well, they unionized. You can only be used as a prank so many times before demanding dental coverage. Somewhere beneath the oldest oak in the garden, there now rests a small, moss-covered plaque. No one remembers who placed it there, but it reads simply: “In memory of the Great Egg War: Where chaos bloomed, laughter echoed, and dignity was lightly poached.” Barnaby still roams the garden. Occasionally seen sipping dandelion wine, crafting decoy eggs that smell like existential dread, or mentoring a new generation of prank-happy gnomelings. Twig? She visits now and then—always unannounced, always glitter-bombing the bird bath, and always with a wicked grin. And every Easter, without fail, a new egg appears in the center of the garden. Just one. Perfectly painted. Strategically placed. Containing, perhaps, a note, a tiny riddle, or something that meows. No one knows who leaves it. Everyone knows who it’s from. And the game? It’s never really over.     Bring the Mischief Home Love the tale of Barnaby Thistlebum and the Great Egg War? Bring a piece of the magic into your world with our exclusive “The Easter Gnome’s Secret Stash” collection by Bill and Linda Tiepelman—available now on Unfocussed. From quirky gifts to seasonal décor, there’s something for every mischievous heart: 🧵 Wall Tapestries – Bring the garden mischief to life on your walls 🖼️ Canvas Prints – Vibrant, whimsical, and gallery-ready 👜 Tote Bags – Perfect for egg hunts or chaotic grocery runs 💌 Greeting Cards – Send a little mischief this Easter 📓 Spiral Notebooks – For planning your own egg-centric escapades Shop the full collection now at shop.unfocussed.com and embrace your inner trickster.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Tempest of Taurus

The Fracture Before the stars were sewn into the heavens, before breath had found a name, the Bull stood alone at the edge of creation. A beast born not of flesh, but of force—of element, echo, and eternity. His body was split from the moment of his awakening: half of him blazed with volcanic wrath, molten rivers carving scars across a horned brow; the other half grew with the quiet pulse of life, moss-covered and breathing, rooted in stars and soil alike. He did not know time, only motion. He walked across the void as if it were pasture, his hooves forging galaxies in his wake. Wherever he passed, dual realms unfurled: forests that smoldered with flame, rivers that ran both steam and starlight, skies that trembled under his silent roar. But the Bull—he was not whole. He was a tempest trapped in duality, torn between destruction and birth, fury and forgiveness. The gods who made him had long disappeared, leaving no answer to his agony. He became myth before the worlds had names, and his suffering was written into the bones of every planet he forged. In one world, where the blue glowed too fiercely and the soil sang with sorrow, he stopped. For the first time since the First Spark, he folded his legs beneath him and lay still. The fire in his left eye dimmed. The vines along his right shoulder whispered to the sky. And the stars came closer to listen. It was then he spoke—not with voice, but with gravity. A soundless, resonant sorrow echoed across the sky: “I am the fracture. I am the seed and the scorch.” From his tears bloomed the first mortals—flawed, divided, beautiful—each carrying a sliver of his war inside them. Some burned. Some grew. Most did both. As time passed, they built temples to his fury and songs to his grace. They did not understand he was neither god nor demon—but a mirror. A reminder. A wound that shaped the universe. Yet something stirred in him as the people danced under twin moons, as they painted their skin in ash and pollen, as they whispered his name not in fear, but in reverence: Taurun. The Tempest. The Eternal. And in that reverence, he felt the first hint of peace—a flicker. A beginning. But peace, like fire, must be earned. The Reckoning Centuries passed like drifting embers across the void, and still the Bull lay beneath the twin moons, half-coiled in forest, half-encased in flame. Civilizations rose and fell in the shadow of his slumber. Priests walked barefoot across obsidian fields to whisper their dreams into the cracks of his scorched side. Lovers carved promises into the bark of the trees that grew from his ribs. And children, born of stardust and sweat, played beneath the branches of his mane without fear. Yet still he did not rise. The gods, forgotten or fled, had left him as their final parable. The Bull, the Broken One, whose duality mirrored the soul of all things. But the mortals began to forget that duality was not a punishment—it was a path. And when they forgot, they tried to cleanse what made them whole. They built fires to burn away their roots. They razed the forests to tame the chaos. They crowned kings who spoke only with fire and banished those who still listened to the leaves. In time, they split themselves as the Bull had once been split—not by gods, but by choice. It was then that Taurun stirred. His eye of flame re-ignited like a dying star reborn, casting shadows across the constellations. The leaves in his fur trembled. The air thickened. And from deep within the earth, a rumble that had no source or direction rose—a pulse, ancient and undeniable. He rose not in anger, but necessity. His hooves cracked the crust of the world. His breath shook the oceans. Above him, the sky split open—not with lightning, but with memory. Visions fell like rain: of every child who had sung in his forest, every prayer spoken in firelight, every soul who had ever dared to hold both grief and wonder in the same heart. He roared, not to destroy, but to remind. And the world listened. Torrents of rain fell where deserts had claimed dominion. Forests rose in the wake of ash. And where fire had consumed, life returned—not in defiance, but in unity. The Bull’s body was no longer divided, but fused: flames that fed the soil, branches that danced with sparks. He was no longer half-this or half-that. He was wholeness born of fracture. And for the first time since the stars had learned to sing, Taurun smiled—not with lips, but with silence. The silence that follows a storm. The silence that speaks of balance restored. The mortals, changed, carried this new myth into their bones. They built no more temples. They planted forests instead. And they taught their children that to burn was not to be evil, and to grow was not to be weak. That they, like Taurun, held both fury and forest in their chest. And that was their magic. The Bull walked into the night sky then, his body dissolving into constellations, into stories, into the veins of every living thing. He had been fire. He had been forest. And now, he was forever. Look to the sky when your heart breaks in two. You will see him—horns arched across the heavens, stars tangled in his mane, the Tempest watching, waiting, reminding you: You are not broken. You are becoming.     Epilogue: The Silence Between Stars Long after the Bull dissolved into constellation and legend, long after the final embers cooled beneath roots of newly-grown trees, a quiet question still drifts between the galaxies: “What remains when the gods are gone, and the world must choose for itself?” The answer is not written in stone, nor hidden in fire. It is not carried by prophets or preserved in parchment. It lives in the flicker of contradiction—where kindness meets anger, where grief dances with joy, where you break, and from the cracks something green begins to grow. That is where the Bull lives now—not in temples, not in stars, but in the moment a hand clenches in rage, and chooses instead to open. In the way we burn, and still love. In how we destroy, and then plant anew. Some say you can still hear his breath in the wind between seasons, feel his footsteps in the shifting soil beneath your bare feet. Others say he is simply a myth—an old tale born of cosmic need. But if you ever feel both too much and not enough, too fierce and too fragile—remember: You are the storm and the soil. You are not lost. You are not alone. And in the silence between stars, Taurun watches. Not as judge. But as kin.     Bring the Bull Home If the story of Taurun stirred something within you—if you too carry fire and forest inside your bones—carry this myth into your space. Our “Tempest of Taurus” image is available in a range of high-quality products designed to keep the dual magic alive in your everyday world. Celestial Tapestry: Drape your space in myth. This vibrant fabric wall art makes any room feel like a portal to the stars. Metal Print: A bold, gallery-quality display that captures the fire and forest in hyper-vivid clarity. Glossy. Iconic. Immortal. Jigsaw Puzzle: Piece together the myth yourself—perfect for quiet moments of reflection and those who savor complexity. Tote Bag: Carry the tempest with you—ideal for book lovers, market wanderers, and those who walk between worlds. Coffee Mug: Sip the story. A daily ritual infused with myth, strength, and the serenity of celestial balance. View all available formats here → Your walls. Your rituals. Your myth.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Nightlight Watcher

Of Gnomes and Nocturnal Duties Once upon a time—or at least some time after the invention of indoor plumbing—there lived a gnome named Wimbley Plopfoot. He wasn't your average garden-variety gnome with a fishing rod and a beer gut carved into ceramic. No, Wimbley was different. He had a job. A real one. He was the Official Nightlight Watcher of the Greater Underbed Region. Each night, as soon as the humans upstairs had done whatever it is humans do before bed (some combination of teeth brushing, doomscrolling, and wondering if that leftover cheese was still good), Wimbley would shuffle into place. His soft floral nightcap drooped charmingly over one eye. His matching pajamas whispered of lavender fields and accidental fashion. And in his arms, he carried Bartholomew the Bear, a stuffed animal with a suspiciously judgmental expression. "Ready?" Wimbley would ask each night, though Bartholomew never replied. He wasn’t enchanted or alive or magical. He was just there. Judging. Like most bears, to be honest. The ritual was simple: sit beside the child’s bed, hold the sign that said GOOD NIGHT, and exude an aura of safety, warmth, and vaguely herbal overtones. But on one particularly unremarkable Tuesday, something went wrong. Wimbley blinked slowly and noticed the glow from the nightlight was... flickering. "Oh no," he muttered, his gnomish voice the auditory equivalent of chamomile tea. "Not again." The last time a nightlight malfunctioned, the kid dreamt of sentient broccoli staging a coup in the kitchen. It took three dreamcatchers, a whispering incense stick, and a sock puppet therapist to undo the trauma. Wimbley waddled over to the outlet, groaning like only someone with knees older than democracy can groan. He tugged on the plug, then tapped the nightlight. Nothing. He blew on it. Still nothing. Bartholomew watched silently, probably judging Wimbley’s technique. "Guess I’m going in," Wimbley sighed, lifting up a loose floorboard to reveal a swirling, glittery tunnel labeled ‘Electrical Realm: Authorized Gnomes Only’. With a resigned pat to Bartholomew’s plush head, he dove in. The world twisted. The smell of burnt toast and old batteries filled his nostrils. The tunnel spun like a glittery toilet flush until he landed with a loud plop in a place that looked suspiciously like the inside of a lava lamp factory run by raccoons. “Alright,” Wimbley muttered. “Let’s fix a nightlight before reality unravels.” The Glowening Wimbley adjusted his pajama collar—a ridiculous move given that he had just nose-dived into an interdimensional subspace powered by toddler anxieties and expired batteries. The realm was brighter than he liked and smelled vaguely of ozone, dryer sheets, and existential dread. “Welcome to the Department of Glow Maintenance,” said a chipper, floating orb with a clipboard and tiny reading glasses balanced somehow on what could only be described as ‘eyelid energy.’ Wimbley squinted. “You again?” The orb blinked. “Ah, yes, Mister Plopfoot. You’ve been flagged before for ‘unauthorized screwdriver use’ and ‘insulting a power surge.’” “That surge started it,” Wimbley grumbled. “It zapped me. Twice.” The orb made a noncommittal whirring sound and summoned a translucent doorway that shimmered with neon labels: “Filament Forest,” “Circuit Swamp,” “Lightbulb Graveyard,” and—Wimbley’s destination—“Low-Glow Repair Intake.” He stepped through the archway, which instantly deposited him in a massive glowing cavern filled with floating fuses and a suspicious number of traffic cones. Gnome engineers in tiny hardhats shouted about wattage while sipping glow-stick martinis. “Oi, Wimbley!” called a scraggly figure with a clipboard larger than himself. “Yer here about the shimmer drop in Sector Snore-Alpha?” “Yes, it’s flickering like a caffeinated firefly,” Wimbley said, brushing lint off his beard. “That’s not right. Nightlight shimmer should be smooth—like pudding with ambition.” “Exactly.” The two gnomes exchanged nods and dove into the technical talk: amperage, dream-consistency thresholds, and a very heated debate about whether a teddy bear should count as an emotional stabilizer or a distraction-based sedative. Finally, they found the issue. A single pixel-sized microfuse had been corrupted by a forgotten nightmare from 2006. A common occurrence, apparently. Wimbley replaced it using a tweezers made from solidified bedtime stories and sighed in relief as the glow returned to buttery-soft normalcy. “Tell Bartholomew he still owes me five hugs,” said the scraggly gnome, tipping his hat. Wimbley smiled and stepped back into the tunnel, feeling the warmth of restored luminescence pulse through the air like a lullaby hummed by an overworked celestial intern. He landed back in the child’s bedroom with a puff of glitter. The nightlight glowed strong and steady. The child slept peacefully, one leg somehow entirely out of the blanket (a move that still terrified demons). Bartholomew remained exactly where Wimbley left him—arms open, judgmental gaze unchanged. “Mission complete,” Wimbley whispered, settling into his usual post and lifting the GOOD NIGHT sign once more. The room was safe. The glow was perfect. And somewhere deep beneath the floorboards, a raccoon technician filed another complaint against unauthorized glitter leakage. Wimbley didn't care. His job was done. Until tomorrow night… Fade to dreams.     Epilogue: Glow On, You Little Weirdo Years passed—or maybe just three minutes, depending on how time works when you’re shaped like a novelty lawn ornament and run on ambient moonlight. Wimbley Plopfoot, now promoted to Senior Glow Liaison, still kept his post beneath the bed of the now slightly older child (who occasionally referred to him as “that weird bedtime elf” in her diary). Bartholomew? Still judging. Still plush. Still undefeated in every staring contest known to plushdom. The nightlight, fully operational thanks to advanced gnome engineering and perhaps a little illegal wizard glue, shone on like a beacon of soft defiance against the creeping chaos of bedtime fears. Monsters had long since relocated—something about zoning permits and gluten-free snack shortages. Wimbley didn’t mind. He had everything he needed: a slightly crinkled bedtime schedule, a suspiciously sentient robe, and the unspoken admiration of the underbed community, who once voted him “Most Likely to Stop a Panic Dream with Only a Side-Eye.” And every night, as the stars blinked on and parents exhaled over baby monitors, Wimbley held up his sign with one simple message: GOOD NIGHT And if you happened to peek beneath your bed and see a tiny figure with a beard longer than your to-do list—just smile. He’s got this. You can sleep now. Glow on, dreamers. Glow on.     Bring a Little Glow Home If you felt a spark of warmth (or sheer gnomish absurdity) from The Nightlight Watcher, you can now bring that same cozy magic into your real-life bedtime ritual. Whether you're decorating a nursery, leveling up your nap nook, or just need a judgmental teddy on fabric—there’s a dreamy little something for you: 🧵 Wall Tapestry – Transform any room with a soft, storytelling glow. 🛏️ Throw Pillow – Snuggle into dreamland with a gnome-approved cushion. 🧸 Fleece Blanket – The official blanket of Bartholomew’s emotional support protocols. 🌙 Duvet Cover – Gnome-certified for maximum bedtime enchantment. Shop the full collection and let Wimbley Plopfoot stand guard over your dreams—no batteries or bureaucratic raccoons required.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Elder of the Enchanted Path

In the heart of the Verdant Woodlands—just past the babbling creek that sounds suspiciously like it's gossiping—stood a moss-covered stump known only to a few as the “Proposal Post.” It was not used for mail, mind you. It was used for moments. Grand, clumsy, blush-colored moments. And it was here that the Elder of the Enchanted Path, a gnome named Thistlewhip Fernwhistle (though friends just called him “Thish”), had decided to make his move. Thish was old. Not old as in creaky or cranky, but old as in "once dated a dryad who turned into a willow mid-conversation." He’d seen thirty-three thousand springs, or so he claimed—though most suspected it was closer to seven hundred. Either way, age hadn't dulled his sense of style. He wore a robe that shimmered faintly like beetle wings, boots made from repurposed pinecone scales, and a floppy hat stitched with kiss-marks collected over centuries. No one knew how he got them. No one asked. Springtime always made him... itchy. Not in a hay-fever kind of way, but in a soul-thirsty, heart-tingly kind of way. The kind that makes one write poetry on mushroom caps or serenade chipmunks who didn't ask for it. And this year, the itch had a name: Briarrose O’Bloom. Briarrose was the head florist of the forest—a dryad with curls like cherry blossoms and a laugh that sounded like rain on tulip petals. She ran “Petal Provocateur,” a scandalously delightful flower cart where the bouquets were arranged to match your deepest, possibly even your naughtiest, desires. She once made a tulip arrangement so evocative that a centaur fell in love with himself. Thish had admired her from afar (well, from behind a tree… regularly), but today was the day he would step into the light. Today he would declare his affection—with a bouquet of his own making. He had spent the last three days crafting it. Not just picking flowers—no, this was an event. He had bartered for moon-drenched daisies, stolen a honeysuckle kiss from a sleeping bee, and convinced a peony to open two weeks early by reciting scandalous limericks. At last, the bouquet was done. Full of pinks, purples, blushes and scents that could render even the grumpiest toad euphoric, it was bound with a ribbon made from spider-silk and a whisper of thyme. He stepped out onto the mossy trail, bouquet in hand, heart doing cartwheels. Ahead, the cart glowed beneath hanging lanterns, and there she was—Briarrose—flirting with a hedgehog in a bowtie (he was a loyal customer). She laughed, tossing her curls, and Thish forgot how legs worked for a second. He approached. Slowly. Carefully. Like one might approach a wild unicorn or a particularly judgmental goose. “Ahem,” he said, in a voice that was far too high for his body and startled a nearby mushroom into fainting. Briarrose turned. Her eyes—violet and wise—softened. “Oh, Elder Thish. What a surprise.” “It’s… a spring gift. A bouquet. I made it. For you,” he said, offering it with a trembling hand and a hopeful smile. “And also, if possible… a proposal.” She blinked. “A proposal?” “For a walk!” he added quickly, cheeks blooming with embarrassment. “A walk. Through the woods. Together. No... wedlock unless mutually discussed in twenty years.” She laughed. Not cruelly. Not mockingly. But like bells dancing in the wind. “Thish Fernwhistle,” she said, taking the bouquet and breathing it in. “This might be the most ridiculous, romantic thing I’ve seen all season.” Then she leaned in, kissed his cheek, and whispered: “Pick me up at dusk. Wear something scandalous.” And just like that, spring came alive. Dusk in the Verdant Woodlands was a sensual thing. The sky flushed lavender, tree branches stretched like lazy lovers, and the air smelled of sap, honeysuckle, and just the faintest hint of cedar smoke and temptation. Thish, true to his word, had dressed scandalously. Well, for a gnome. His robe had been swapped for a vest stitched from foxglove petals, his boots polished until the pinecone scales gleamed, and beneath his famous hat he’d tucked a sprig of lavender “just in case things got steamy.” Briarrose had outdone herself. She wore a gown made entirely of woven vine and blooming jasmine that shifted with her every breath. Butterflies seemed to orbit her like moons. A glowbug landed on her shoulder and promptly fainted. “You look like trouble,” she said with a grin, offering her arm. “You look like a good reason to misbehave,” Thish replied, taking it. They walked. Past willows humming lullabies. Past frogs playing banjo. Past a couple of raccoons necking behind a toadstool and pretending not to notice. The mood was thick with pollen and possibility. Eventually, they reached a clearing lit by floating lanterns. In the middle stood a picnic blanket so elaborate it might have violated several zoning laws. There was elderberry wine. Sugarroot pastries. Chocolate truffles shaped like acorns. Even a bowl of “Consent Cookies”—each one labeled with messages like “Kiss?”, “Flirt?”, “Get Weird?” and “More Wine First?” “You planned this?” Briarrose asked, raising a brow. “I panicked earlier and overcompensated,” Thish admitted. “There’s also a backup string quartet of badgers if things go awkward.” “That’s... kind of perfect.” They sat. They sipped. They nibbled on everything but the cookies—those required mutual cookie signals. The conversation meandered through poetry, pollination, failed love spells, and one deeply embarrassing story involving a unicorn and a very poorly labeled bottle of rosewater. And then—just when the air was perfectly still, when the last rays of sun kissed the tree branches—Briarrose leaned in. “You know,” she said softly, her eyes gleaming, “I’ve been arranging bouquets for half the forest. All kinds. Lust, longing, revenge-flirtations, awkward apologies. But no one’s ever made one for me like yours.” Thish blinked. “Oh. Well. I suppose—” She placed a single finger on his lips. “Shhh. Less talking.” Then she kissed him. Long and slow. The kind of kiss that made the wind pause, the fireflies turn up their glow, and at least three nearby squirrels applaud. When they finally pulled back, both were flushed and slightly breathless. “So…” Thish grinned. “Do I get a second date? Or at least a sensual bouquet review?” She giggled. “You’re already trending in the fern networks.” And under the soft twilight, two hearts—older than most, sillier than many—bloomed like springtime had written them into a love story all its own.     Epilogue: The Bloom Continues Spring turned to summer, and the forest, well—it talked. Not gossip, exactly. More like gleeful speculation. A fox claimed she’d seen Thish and Briarrose dancing barefoot beneath a raincloud. A squirrel swore he spotted them picnicking nude in a tulip field (highly unconfirmed). And a particularly smug robin reported hearing giggles echoing from inside a hollow tree. All we know for certain is this: the “Proposal Post” now had a permanent bouquet atop it, refreshed every full moon by unseen hands. Briarrose’s flower cart began offering a new line called “Thistlewhips”—chaotic little bundles of love, passion, and one wildcard bloom that may or may not inspire spontaneous foot rubs. And Thish? He wrote a collection of romantic haikus titled “Petals and Puns”, available only in bark-scroll editions, and only if you asked the badger librarian very, very nicely. They never married—because they didn’t need to. Love, in their part of the world, wasn’t something to bind. It was something to bloom, gently and wildly, year after year. And every spring, if you walk the Enchanted Path just after dusk, you might find two figures laughing beneath the lanterns—sharing cookies, kisses, and the occasional mischievous wink at the moon. May you too find someone who brings you flowers you didn’t know you needed… and kisses you like they were written in the bark of your bones.     🌿 Explore the Artwork This story was inspired by the original artwork "Elder of the Enchanted Path", available exclusively through our image archive. Bring home a bit of woodland whimsy with fine art prints, digital downloads, and licensing options. ➡️ View the artwork in the Unfocussed Archive

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Yetiboo and the Silent Rage

The Cold Shoulder of Destiny Far beyond the howling peaks of the Cringecrack Mountains, where the wind screamed like unpaid interns and snowflakes fell like passive-aggressive emails, there lived a creature whose name was whispered in ski lodges and overpriced chalet spas with reverent fear. They called him Yetiboo. Standing a mighty 1’8” tall (2’2” if you included the static-charged fluff halo), Yetiboo was the frostbitten embodiment of silent rage. With fur as white as HR-approved rage and eyes the color of cold brew regret, he had spent years perfecting a glare so powerful it could curdle oat milk at 300 feet. Yetiboo wasn’t born mad. He was sculpted by life’s little injustices: the betrayal of lukewarm cocoa, snowballs with ice cores, and worst of all—being called “snuggly.” “I’m not snuggly,” he hissed once into a void that did not respond. “I’m a harbinger of wintry fury.” But no one listened. The locals threw marshmallows at him. Influencers tried to put flower crowns on his head. A TikTok elf once captioned a video #YetiBabyVibes while pretending to boop his nose. She hasn’t been seen since. Allegedly. On this particularly snowy Tuesday, Yetiboo had reached his emotional saturation point. Snowflakes fell, uninvited, into his ears. His tiny feet were frozen. He had been ghosted by the Northern Lights (again). And someone—some heartless mountain soul—had taken the last peppermint bark from the communal glacier fridge. “I am done,” he growled, plopping down into the snow with all the fury of a sitcom character whose favorite mug just shattered mid-monologue. “From this moment forward, I shall speak to no one. Not a soul. The mountain will tremble with my profound, poetic silence.” He folded his arms. He scowled. A passing snow hare made eye contact and immediately fled to therapy. “Let them tremble,” Yetiboo whispered to the wind, which respectfully carried the message 600 miles south to a confused coffee shop in lower Glacialia. And thus began the Great Sulk of the North—a silent protest so intense, so frostbitten with feeling, that the temperature in the surrounding three valleys dropped two degrees just to match his vibe. Unbeknownst to him, his silence had consequences. Big ones. Cosmic, absurd, and definitely overblown ones. Because when the most dramatic yeti in existence goes emotionally offline… the mountain listens. Avalanche of Emotion As Yetiboo sat in the snow, radiating enough silent loathing to frost over a lava vent, strange things began to happen. First, the icicles on the nearby pine trees began to hum—a low, mournful tune like the soundtrack to a documentary about abandoned mittens. Then the clouds gathered above, thickening into dramatic, swirling layers like a sky having a breakdown. Thunder cracked, somewhere far off. A raven dropped a dead flower at his feet. No one knew where the flower came from. It was August last time anyone saw a bloom around here. The mountain was responding. Unwittingly—or perhaps divinely—Yetiboo had tapped into the ancient magic of *Glacial Gloom*, an emotional pressure system said to be triggered when someone is just too over it to speak. Mountain legends told of a time, centuries ago, when a teen frost elf with bad bangs and a complicated situationship sulked so hard, she froze an entire fjord. That elf’s name was whispered only in wine cellars and seasonal affective disorder support groups. Now, Yetiboo was the new vessel of that power. Elsewhere, across the frosted realm, things began to unravel. Weather alerts popped up on enchanted mirrors. “EMOTIONAL BLIZZARD WARNING: EXPECT FLURRIES OF DRAMATIC STARES.” A group of woodland creatures canceled their winter talent show because the tension in the air was just too much. Back at base camp, the Winter Council—a committee of ancient creatures who wore velvet robes and argued about snowflake purity—called an emergency meeting. They gathered in the Chamber of Chilled Disapproval and reviewed the footage. “It’s worse than we feared,” sighed Frostmaw, the 700-year-old moose with a monocle. “He’s not just brooding—he’s internalizing.” “We need to act fast,” said a sentient snow owl named Beatrice. “Before he ice-blocks the entire emotional spectrum.” So they did what any responsible, mystical governing body would do. They sent a goat. But not just any goat. This was Tilda, a sassy, frost-hardened emotional support goat with a nose ring, a degree in interspecies mediation, and zero tolerance for silent treatment. Tilda clomped up the mountain with purpose, hooves crunching snow like punctuation marks in an angry Yelp review. When she reached Yetiboo, she didn't speak. She simply sat. Beside him. In the snow. Matching his silence with one of her own. It was a stand-off. The world's fluffiest Mexican standoff. Three hours passed. A snowflake landed on Tilda's horn. Yetiboo's eye twitched. She didn’t flinch. Eventually, he cracked. “They took my peppermint bark,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “They left the label. Just… just the label.” Tilda nodded solemnly. “Savages.” “And Dorble the fox keeps tagging me in memes.” “Unacceptable.” “I have layers, Tilda. Like—like a rage parfait.” “Delicious and unstable. Got it.” And just like that, the storm began to fade. The clouds pulled back like curtains at the end of a moody one-man play. The icicles quieted. Somewhere, a harp seal exhaled in relief. The mountain, now sated by the release of pent-up sass, settled into a peaceful snowfall. Yetiboo stood up. Shook out his fur. Cleared his throat. “I am not okay,” he declared with pride. “But I am dramatically functional.” “That’s all we can ask,” Tilda said, handing him a backup chocolate square from her saddlebag. “Now come on. There's a rage yoga class at 6 and you’re already behind on your breathing resentment exercises.” And so, the Great Sulk ended—not with a tantrum, but with solidarity, snacks, and one very exhausted snow goat who deserved hazard pay. As for Yetiboo, he would go on to channel his silent rage into expressive dance, write a memoir titled “Cold Inside: One Yeti’s Journey Through Emotional Permafrost,” and become a minor celebrity in niche arctic wellness circles. But sometimes, when the wind howls just right… you can still hear his tiny voice echoing across the snowdrifts: “I said I wasn’t SNUGGLY.”     Epilogue: Fluff, Fame, and Frozen Boundaries Following the emotional meteorology incident now referred to by the locals as “The Great Sulking,” Yetiboo became something of a minor deity in the cozy corners of snow-covered subcultures. He didn’t ask for the fame. He didn’t want the fame. But he did enjoy being left alone at cafés while sipping glacier-melt tea from his custom mug that read: "Dead Inside, But Make It Cozy." The mountain, meanwhile, was far more peaceful. Emotionally stable, even. There were fewer spontaneous ice spikes. Fewer cursed snowballs. The Weather Channel (North Edition) named him their honorary "Emo Pressure Front of the Year." And while he never fully embraced the whole “cuddly mascot” narrative, he did allow one company to put his likeness on a throw blanket—as long as it came with a disclaimer: "Do not approach before coffee." Tilda became his manager. The goat, naturally, negotiated a merch deal, a podcast guest spot, and a branded hoodie line titled “Frosted But Fierce.” But deep down—beneath the layers of fluff, fame, and very professionally curated social detachment—Yetiboo never forgot who he was: A cold-hearted legend with a warm center... that you absolutely should not touch without permission. And if you're ever on that mountain and the wind suddenly shifts, chillier than it should be, and you feel like you're being silently judged—you are. He sees you. He disapproves. And he’s sitting just out of frame, arms crossed, waiting for you to say something cringe so he can roll his enormous blue eyes. Legend says he’s still not snuggly. And that’s exactly how he likes it.     Need a Little Silent Rage in Your Life? If you’ve ever felt personally attacked by weather or emotionally represented by a tiny yeti with a death stare, good news: Yetiboo is now available in huggable, wearable, and displayable form. Wrap yourself in pure frostbitten mood with a cozy coral fleece blanket or let your guests know what vibe they’re walking into with a framed acrylic print. Add some sass to your seating with a squishy throw pillow, haul your emotional baggage in this unapologetic tote bag, or let his silent judgment hang proudly from your wall with a full-sized tapestry. He's moody. He’s fluffy. He’s merch-ready. Channel the chill. Carry the rage.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Mini Kraken, Major Attitude

Trouble in the Tidal Flats It was a quiet morning in the shallows of the Glimmering Gulf, where the sand sparkled like spilled champagne and hermit crabs gossiped like old barmaids. The sea was calm. The waves whispered. And in the middle of it all, sitting under a shell-shaped shadow with the grumpiest frown this side of Atlantis, was the Mini Kraken. He wasn’t technically a kraken. His government-issued name was Reginald of Tentacleshire, but he’d long since rebranded himself. At just nine inches long (when feeling generous), he made up for his lack of mass with excessive sass. Wide black eyes, eight sticky limbs, and a permanent scowl that could sour milk at twenty leagues. Reginald hated mornings. He hated pebbles that weren’t symmetrical. He especially hated the way the clams clicked at him like they were judging his life choices. And most of all, he hated being called “adorable.” “I’m not cute,” he grumbled, puffing up his mantle and turning slightly more purple. “I’m a terrifying leviathan of the deep.” “Of course you are, sweetie,” murmured an elderly starfish named Dorinda, sipping her brine latte from a limp sea sponge. “You tell them, sugar tentacles.” Reginald narrowed his eyes. “I don’t need your validation, Dorinda.” She winked a slow, five-armed wink. “And yet here you are, monologuing into the current like a theatre major with a shellfish allergy.” It wasn’t easy being the Mini Kraken. The seahorses called him “Snippy.” The anglerfish used him as a mood ring. And last week, a group of scuba influencers took a selfie with him and captioned it, “Tiny Terrors of the Tide #SoSquishy”. He was still emotionally recovering. Today, however, was the day everything would change. Today, Reginald had a plan. He had drawn up blueprints in ink, tucked under a rock labeled “Totally Not Evil Plans.” If all went well, he’d reclaim his dignity, his territory, and maybe—just maybe—get those sea cucumbers to stop calling him “cutie patootie.” But first, he needed allies. And unfortunately, that meant... mingling. The Mollusk Manifesto Reginald wasn’t fond of group projects. He preferred the solitude of brooding under rocks, perfecting his death glare, and muttering passive-aggressive insults into the current. But desperate times called for collaborative pettiness. He began his recruitment with the easiest mark: a disgruntled jellyfish named Greg, who had recently been stung by his own existential crisis. Greg was translucent, emotionally fragile, and constantly narrating his life like it was a sad French film. “I float, therefore I am… ignored,” Greg moaned as he drifted aimlessly. “You want revenge on the entire ecosystem, or not?” Reginald snapped. Greg blinked (probably), then pulsed with uncertain rage. “Only if I can write the manifesto.” “Fine. But no metaphors about drifting through capitalism’s emotional tidepools, okay?” Next up was Coraline the crab, a battle-hardened crustacean with two missing legs and zero tolerance for nonsense. She ran a black-market barnacle-shaving operation and had claws sharp enough to slice through condescension. “What’s in it for me?” she demanded, eyes narrowed beneath her chipped shell. “Power. Infamy. The right to pinch anyone who calls you a ‘side dish,’” Reginald said, deadpan. She paused. Then slowly, silently, extended a claw. “I’m in.” Within hours, the underwater coup had grown to a full-blown movement. They called themselves: F.R.O.T.H. – Ferocious Rascals Of The Hadal. Membership included: A cynical cuttlefish who only spoke in passive-aggressive haikus. An emo dolphin who wrote sea-shanties about unrequited love. Two barnacle twins named Clack and Cluck who had been kicked off a coral reef for being “too dramatic.” Reginald was thrilled. Or as thrilled as his face would allow—which meant a slightly less intense scowl and a contented grumble. The plan was simple: during the Coral Carnival, the most festive event of the season, they would unleash a synchronized ink-cloud performance so chaotic, it would shut down every seashell selfie station within a nautical mile. Aesthetic ruin. Digital despair. Perfect vengeance. The day arrived. Coral streamers floated in the tide. Clownfish wore bow ties. Anemones pulsed in technicolor. The influencers had arrived early, phones clutched in waterproof pouches like weapons of mass documentation. And then, it began. Greg, high on poetic vengeance, opened the event by reciting a 12-verse spoken-word poem titled “My Gelatinous Cage”. The crowd was confused. Some applauded out of fear. A toddler eel wept softly. Coraline pinch-snapped confetti urchins into the water, causing a minor panic. The cuttlefish cast a gloom-colored haiku into the reef: Inky depths murmur—Your vibes are unseasoned brine,Float away, peasant. And then, the finale—Reginald rose from behind a giant oyster shell, arms dramatically outstretched, eyes gleaming like abyssal orbs of sass and glory. “BEHOLD! I am the terror in your tranquil tide! The shadow in your shimmering filter! I AM THE MINI KRAKEN!” he roared. At his signal, a volcanic explosion of ink erupted from every F.R.O.T.H. member, blackening the water like a goth squid wedding. Chaos. Screams. A GoPro spiraled into the abyss. Somewhere, a conch fainted. The Carnival was ruined. And Reginald? He floated in the middle of it all, arms folded, basking in the inky glory of his vengeance. Days later, the reef was still talking about it. The sea-cucumbers gave him a respectful nod. The dolphins stopped calling him “baby blob.” Even Dorinda offered him a spongy latte and said, “You know what, Reg—you’ve got teeth.” He didn’t smile. Not outwardly. But his frown was... slightly less catastrophic. And as he slipped into the deeper water, cloak of ink behind him, Reginald whispered the words he’d waited so long to say: “Not cute. Legendary.”     Epilogue: Of Ink and Influence Weeks passed. The Carnival scandal had gone viral—literally. Some sea lion with a shellphone had posted the footage, and now Reginald was trending under hashtags like #Inkfluencer, #KrakenKhaos, and inexplicably, #CephalopodDaddy. He hated it. He loved it. Mostly, he tolerated it with a level of disdain usually reserved for overcooked plankton. His face had been plastered on reef walls, coffee mugs made of polished clamshell, and kelp-themed fashion lines. Influencers started imitating his scowl, calling it “Kraken Chic.” Coraline started a self-defense class for crustaceans. Greg was on tour. F.R.O.T.H. was now a movement—and somehow, a lifestyle brand. Reginald was no longer just the Mini Kraken. He was a symbol. Of sea-powered rebellion. Of cute-anarchic energy. Of not letting the ocean walk all over your squishy little dignity. He still didn’t smile. He might have signed an autograph. And every now and then, when the tide was low and no one was looking, he’d ink a quick signature on a rock: “With zero affection – MK.” And somewhere in the dark, swirling deep where legends linger, the whisper echoed through the water like the pulse of an old sea god with attitude: “Don’t underestimate the small ones. We’ve got suction and grudges.”     Bring the Kraken Vibes Home If you found yourself oddly inspired by Reginald’s inky rebellion and unbothered glare, good news: you can now take the Mini Kraken, Major Attitude wherever your tide rolls. Whether you’re drying off your salty sass with a beach towel, lounging in full kraken glory on a round towel, or hauling your drama in a stylish weekender tote, there’s a deep-sea statement piece just waiting for you. Feeling bold? Make a splash with a sleek acrylic print and let Reginald glare at your guests in high definition. Live salty. Ink proudly.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Morning Drip

Glazed & Unphased It was barely 8:07 a.m. and already the pastry box was feeling... sticky. The bakery was quiet. Too quiet. A single ray of warm sunlight slipped between the blinds, landing directly on the plump, sugar-dusted body of Donny Cream. Round. Golden. Fluffy in all the right places. And leaking like a broken promise. “Mmm,” Donny moaned, eyes half-lidded, voice thick and velvety. “Is it warm in here or is it just... me?” A nearby coffee mug trembled on the counter, horrified. “You’re leaking again,” it said, voice shaky. “That’s your third time this morning.” Donny let a slow stream of vanilla custard dribble from his mouth like he was proud of it. “I’m not leaking, sweetheart,” he said with a smile. “I’m giving.” The mug backed up slightly. “I didn’t sign up for this,” it muttered. “I’m decaf.” Donny smirked. He loved a nervous cup. “You think I chose this life?” he asked, arching his brow bun. “One day you're dough with dreams, the next you're filled to the brim, powdered like a runway model, and left on a napkin to moan at strangers before noon.” He let out a long sigh and another soft ooze of custard. It puddled below him, warm and inappropriate. “Stop it!” cried a nearby croissant, shielding its flaky layers. “The kids come in at 9!” Donny just licked his lips. “Then they’ll learn what real filling looks like.” The toaster let out a judgmental ding. “You know they’re gonna eat you, right?” the mug asked, its handle trembling. “That’s the dream, sugarcup,” Donny said. “To be desired, devoured, and deeply regretted. I’m a pastry with a purpose. I wasn’t baked to be wholesome. I was baked to break souls.” Another slow stream of custard slipped from his center. A gasp came from the tea bag drawer. “I’ve seen enough,” said the muffin tin, covering its cavities. “This is a family brunch spot.” Donny didn’t flinch. “Then they better bring napkins. Because Daddy’s dripping, and I’m only halfway thawed.” The napkin beneath him was soaked. He was unapologetic. He was uncensored. He was… The Morning Drip. Cream of the Crop By the time the customers started trickling in—bright-eyed, hungover, and clutching iced lattes like rosaries—the bakery was already a crime scene of innuendo. Donny Cream was sprawled on his napkin like a Greek god made of sugar and shame. His filling had breached containment hours ago. It was no longer a leak. It was a flood. A warm, glistening testament to indulgence and poor decision-making. “You gonna clean that up?” asked the espresso machine, watching the puddle spread like gossip in a small town. “Why?” Donny purred. “Let 'em slip. Let 'em fall face-first into me. I’ve ruined better diets than this.” A gluten-free muffin shook its head from the display shelf. “You’re disgusting.” “I’m delicious,” Donny corrected. “There’s a difference.” The bell above the door jingled. A human entered, scanning the glass case with innocent, naive hunger. The kind of hunger that didn’t know what it was about to awaken. Donny licked powdered sugar from his lip. “Oh yeah... he’s gonna pick me.” “No way,” whispered a snobby blueberry scone. “You’re literally oozing onto the counter.” “Exactly,” said Donny. “I’m prepped. I’m provocative. I’m ready to be tonged.” There was a pause. The coffee mug groaned into its ceramic palm. The customer pointed. “That one. The creamy one. He looks... intense.” Donny shuddered. “Yes. Yes I do.” Gloved tongs lifted him gently. He moaned dramatically, fully aware of the performance. A little extra cream spurted out onto the glass. “You’re the reason brunch is banned in some states,” muttered the plain bagel. Donny was placed in a wax paper bag, his voice muffled but still smug. “Goodbye, darlings. Remember me not as I was—but as I dripped.” The door closed. Silence fell. “That was the filthiest pastry I’ve ever seen,” the mug whispered. “I think I need to be refrigerated,” said the Danish. From the back of the kitchen, the churros huddled together for emotional support. The donut holes blinked, questioning their existence. And somewhere in the bakery, an oven preheated slowly... preparing to birth the next generation of filled, frosted deviance. Because Donny Cream was gone—but the drip? The drip lived on. Long live The Morning Drip.     Epilogue: Just a Little Powdered Memory The napkin remained. Crinkled, stained, and lightly trembling in the breeze of a closing door, it lay like a fallen flag—marking the spot where Donny Cream once oozed with reckless abandon. A custard ghost clung to the fibers. The powdered sugar lingered in the air like soft trauma. The bakery had moved on. Kind of. New pastries came. Younger. Firmer. Less... emotionally unstable. But none of them filled the void Donny left—physically or metaphorically. The coffee mug rarely spoke now. He just stared out the window, handle cocked slightly to the left like he was waiting for a ride that never came. “He was too much,” whispered a croissant one morning. “He was everything,” replied a jelly-filled quietly, squeezing its sides in tribute. No one dared use that napkin again. It stayed right there, framed by streaks of custard and the weight of memories. A sacred spot. A warning. A legend. Because somewhere out there—maybe in the hands of a hungover college student, maybe half-eaten in the backseat of a rideshare—Donny Cream lives on. His filling… his attitude… his unapologetic drip. And as long as there are glazes to crack and custards to spill, he’ll never be truly gone. They say time heals all wounds. But some leaks? Some leaks never dry.     Still feeling the drip? Donny Cream lives on in all his sticky glory with The Morning Drip collection—perfect for kitchens, bedrooms, brunch spots, and anywhere food shame is welcome. Immortalize his creamy legacy with a framed print, an unapologetically shiny acrylic print, or keep him close on a throw pillow or tote bag. And for those with a flair for awkward greetings, yes—he’s also available as a greeting card. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Cheese Me Daddy

Melt With Me It was a late night in the diner. Neon lights buzzed like old secrets and the grill was still warm—hot enough to bring the meat sweats, cool enough to pretend it wasn’t weird. That’s when he strutted in… oozing cheddar and confidence. His name was Big Chedd. Bun golden, patty thick, and a cheese drip that could make a vegan reconsider their entire identity. Eyes half-lidded with the calm of someone who’s been grilled on both sides—and liked it. “You hungry, sugar?” he asked, his voice low and velvety, like hot grease on Formica. No one answered. They couldn’t. The entire fridge aisle had gone silent. Even the pickles held their breath. Big Chedd leaned on the ketchup pump like it owed him money. “I see you eyeballin’ the melt,” he said, grinning. “Well go ahead. Take a bite. I won’t flinch.” Across the counter, a lonely grilled cheese blushed so hard it curled its crusts inward. The bottle of ranch ranch-dropped from the shelf in shock. Big Chedd sauntered across the cutting board with the swagger of a meal that knew it was bad for you and planned to be worse. “I’m not like those fast food types. I take my time. Low heat. Long cook. Every. Single. Drip.” He winked. A thick ribbon of cheddar slid down his patty like it had paid rent to be there. He licked it back into place with a slow, smug curl of his sesame-topped lip. “Tell me what you want,” he said, inches from the plate’s edge. “You want a clean meal? Or you want the real thing? You want calorie counts or carnal cravings? Lettuce behave, or lose all control?” The plate was moist now. Moist with fear. Moist with want. Moist with... mayonnaise? Tomato gasped. “Is he… melting on purpose?” Lettuce trembled. “Oh he knows exactly what he’s doing.” And he did. Because Big Chedd wasn’t just a burger. He was a moment. A fantasy. A food group you don’t talk about in public. He was thick. He was juicy. He was... Daddy. “Now,” he growled, lowering himself slowly onto the bun like a greasy love note, “Who’s ready to be unwrapped?” Greased Lightning The bun hit the plate with a heavy thwap, like a drumroll at a burlesque show. Big Chedd was now fully assembled—top to bottom, lettuce to lust. He oozed seduction, and cheddar. Mostly cheddar. He spread his buns just enough to let the steam out. “You ever been with a burger that drips twice before the first bite?” he whispered, his voice like a slow sizzle on cast iron. “’Cause I’m the kind of mess you lick off your fingers and don’t apologize for.” The fridge door creaked open slowly. Milk peeped out and immediately went sour. The hot dog buns blushed so hard they went stale. Even the coleslaw slumped in its Tupperware like, “Why even try?” Big Chedd flexed his patty, meat glistening with confidence and a little bacon fat. “I don’t do diets. I do damage,” he said, with a wink so greasy it left a streak on the air. The ketchup bottle trembled. “Sir… this is a Wendy’s.” “Nah,” Big Chedd smirked. “This is my kitchen now. And I’m about to sauce this place up like a third-date mistake.” He made his move. It was slow. Sensual. Strategic. He rolled toward the edge of the plate, hips swiveling like he’d been flipped by a master griller in a past life. The cheddar clung to him like it didn’t want to say goodbye—stretching long, gooey, unapologetically filthy. Tomato couldn’t watch. Or look away. “He’s... dripping on the floor,” she whispered. “Let him,” said Lettuce. “That’s just how he leaves a mark.” The steak knives rattled in their block. The spatula fainted. And somewhere in the corner, a lonely french fry sobbed quietly into a puddle of aioli. Big Chedd reached the countertop’s edge. He turned back to the others, lip curled, cheese hanging low and dangerous. “I’m not just a snack,” he growled. “I’m a full-course regret with extra napkins. And if you can't handle the melt, baby... don’t unwrap the Daddy.” Then he dropped. A slow fall. A fall of legends. The kind of fall usually scored with saxophone and soft lighting. The cheddar stretched one last time like it was saying goodbye to its lover. He landed with a gentle splat, a smear of sauce haloing his resting place like some kind of greasy martyr. Silence. The paper towel roll let out a soft, “Damn.” And that’s how the legend of Big Chedd was born. They say if you listen closely, late at night, you can still hear the sizzle of his patty... and the whisper of a sesame seed bun breathing into your ear— “Cheese me, Daddy.”     Epilogue: Still Melting The grill's gone cold now. The spatulas are resting. The buns are back in their bag, pretending none of it ever happened. But somewhere—between the crisper drawer and expired Greek yogurt—his memory lingers. Big Chedd. The meltiest of them all. The cheddar-slicked Casanova with buns like sunset pillows and a voice like a low burner hum. He wasn’t just a burger. He was a feeling. A fantasy. A full-fat fever dream. Sometimes, late at night, when the fridge light flicks on and the condiments think no one’s watching, you’ll hear it: a soft squish, a faint sizzle, the low groan of a bun remembering what it felt like to be held... tightly. Greasily. Passionately. The lettuce still curls at the thought. The tomato, sliced but not forgotten, writes sonnets in the dark. And the cheese? Oh, the cheese just keeps dripping. Slowly. Longingly. For someone who never cared about napkins or shame. He’s gone, yes. But legends don’t mold. They marinate. And Big Chedd? He’s still melting— —in hearts, in grease traps, and in the wild, spicy dreams of every food that dared to feel.     If Big Chedd left a mark on your heart—and possibly your cholesterol—why not keep him around in all his melty, mouthy glory? Cheese Me Daddy is available now as a steamy framed print for your kitchen, a sizzling metal print for your burger shrine, or—because why the hell not—a ridiculously seductive throw pillow to cuddle between buns. Want to carry him with you like a grilled goddamn secret? There’s even a tote bag so you can bring the Daddy drip everywhere you go. He’s hot. He’s heavy. And he’s ready to be yours.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Pepper Dominatrix

The Grinding Hour The steak lay there—thick, glistening, and just a touch too smug. Marbled in all the right places, it had spent the better part of the day basking in a Himalayan salt rub, thinking itself the main course. Prime cut, ego to match. Then she entered. Heels like toothpicks skewering the hardwood countertop, leather dress tighter than a sous vide seal, and eyes darker than balsamic glaze—Pepper Dominatrix had arrived. Her curves were turned from a finely aged mahogany, her handle slick with tension. She didn’t knock. She never knocked. She just twisted... and ground. The first crackle of fresh pepper sent a shiver through the meat. “Easy there, sweetheart,” it whispered, trying to stay juicy. “You don’t need to be so... rough.” “Oh, but I do,” she purred, grinding harder. A puff of peppercorn dust erupted like a volcanic burst of culinary climax. “You're dry-aged, darling. I’m here to make you wet again.” From across the board, Salt watched, horrified. He was soft, white, and entirely unprepared for this level of heat. A single tear of brine rolled down his metal cheek. “This is... highly unseasoned behavior,” he muttered, clutching his tiny porcelain towel. Pepper leaned in close to the steak, her cap brushing against its seared surface. “You thought you’d get basted and roasted without me? You foolish slab of protein. I don’t just complement flavors—I dominate them.” The steak whimpered. “This isn’t how Gordon Ramsay does it...” She laughed—a deep, smoky cackle that echoed through the pantry. “Ramsay? Please. That man couldn't handle a full grind without crying into his lamb shanks.” With a swirl of her hips and a sprinkle from above, the entire cutting board glistened under her wrath. Butter melted in fearful anticipation. The tongs trembled. Even the red wine glass developed condensation out of sheer intimidation. Then, with the dominance of a chef who knew her flavors and wasn’t afraid to bruise a few egos, she lifted one leg—slowly, deliberately—and planted her stiletto squarely on the steak's surface. A low, buttery moan escaped from beneath her heel. “You’ve been marinating in your own delusions,” she said. “It’s time to taste what real seasoning feels like.” Salt could only look away. He’d seen enough. He was out-shaken, out-spiced... and, dare he admit it... a little turned on. Well Done, Darling The steak sizzled under her heel, juices oozing with submissive obedience. Pepper Dominatrix stood proud, shoulders back, peppercorns crackling across her chest like a seasoning of war medals. The cutting board was no longer a prep station—it was her arena. Her coliseum. Her stage. Salt, paralyzed in the corner, let out a helpless “oh dear” as she reached into her leather spice satchel. Out came her secret weapon: a single, dangerously seductive sachet labeled “Umami Dust™”—illegal in three culinary schools and banned outright by the French. She locked eyes with the steak, who was now glistening, quivering, barely medium rare. “You think you’ve been cooked before?” she snarled. “Darling, I’m about to take you past the smoke point.” With a flick of her wrist, the dust hit the steak in a shimmering cloud of flavor chaos. Notes of soy, mushroom, and something suspiciously meaty exploded in the air like MSG-fueled fireworks. The steak let out a low, guttural “ohhhhhhhh god” as a sear line quivered beneath the sudden impact of fifth-dimensional flavor. Salt turned to the wine glass beside him. “Are you seeing this?” he asked. The glass, nearly empty, said nothing. But its curved lip had fogged again. That was enough. Pepper moved with lethal grace. She straddled the steak now, both heels sunk in, grinding like a DJ at a midnight club of culinary depravity. Butter splashed. Marinade wept. The wooden cutting board groaned in grainy protest. “Beg for it,” she whispered, twisting her cap until it clicked—full grind mode. “Tell me you want to be over-seasoned.” The steak was delirious. “Yes, Chef... oh god, yes, pepper me... please... make me... well done...” “Wrong answer,” she snapped. “Nobody wants that. Medium at most, you greasy little filet.” Then, she delivered the final blow. From beneath her dress (no one’s sure where she stored it), she pulled a tiny vial of truffle oil. Not just any truffle oil—this was Cold-Pressed Black Winter Truffle Essence, aged in ego and tears. Salt gasped. “That's... that's not FDA approved!” “Neither is this performance,” she growled—and she poured it. In slow motion, the oil trickled over the steak’s quivering body. Every droplet whispered of forests and forbidden price tags. With a dramatic flair, she stepped back, surveying her masterpiece. The steak now lay in a sensual pool of sauce and sweat, utterly transformed. Seasoned. Dominated. Complete. Salt stumbled forward, hat askew. “Pepper… that was… you didn’t have to go so hard.” She glanced at him, a single peppercorn still stuck on her heel. “Darling, I always go hard. That’s why I’m the grinder. And you? You just sprinkle.” With that, she sauntered off into the pantry’s shadows, leaving behind the scent of victory, a few rogue pepper flakes, and a steak that would never be the same again. Some say she still haunts the countertops of arrogant chefs and bland dinners. Others claim she retired to a spice rack in Milan. But one thing’s certain— Once you’ve been ground... you never forget the grind.     Epilogue: A Dash of Memory The kitchen returned to silence. Just the soft tick of the oven cooling down and the faint hum of the refrigerator—watching, judging, as it always did. The steak was gone, devoured by fate or fork, nobody could say. Only a faint peppery heat lingered in the air... and a smear of truffle-slicked butter that refused to be wiped away. Salt sat on the edge of the cutting board, his little chrome shoulders hunched. He hadn’t shaken since. Not even once. The trauma—or was it awe?—had settled deep into his grains. He thought of her often. The crack of her twist. The glint of oil on lacquered wood. The way she whispered, “Let it rest,” like it was both an order and a mercy. No one had seasoned like her. No one dared. Some nights, when the moonlight filters through the spice cabinet just right, and the cumin’s feeling nostalgic, they say you can still hear her heels tapping across the tiles. A slow, seductive staccato. Click. Click. Grind. They call her a myth. A fantasy. A cautionary tale to under-flavored dishes. But Salt knows better. He saw her. He smelled her. He tasted the aftermath. And somewhere out there, in the back of a candlelit bistro or the shadowy corner of a Michelin-starred mise en place, Pepper Dominatrix is still watching. Still grinding. Still... the top of the rack.     If you’re ready to bring a little grind into your own space, Pepper Dominatrix is available in a variety of mouthwatering formats, each one hotter than a cast-iron skillet left on high. Whether you want her framed and fabulous on your kitchen wall, sizzling in sleek metal, rich and rustic in wood, shining in acrylic, or dressed to impress in a classic framed print—she’s ready to spice up your life, one wall at a time.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Tear of the Pump: A Moisture Tragedy

The Dry Days The pump had seen better days. Once proud and upright on the bathroom counter, he now sat half-slouched next to a flickering “Sensual Aloe” candle, oozing self-pity and the occasional drop of aloe-infused regret. He wasn’t just any lotion bottle—he was Greg. And Greg had one job: to moisturize. But no one had pumped Greg in weeks. Not since the house’s new skincare obsession arrived—a smug, overpriced jade roller named Jasper who whispered words like “lymphatic drainage” and “de-puffing” in his infuriatingly smooth tone. Greg, once the alpha of the vanity lineup, now sat exiled to the dusty desk near the laptop, where he’d been forced to watch humans fondle cacti on YouTube in weird ASMR videos titled “Moisturize Me: The ASMR Chronicles.” It was cruel. A literal prick tease. Watching bare hands stroke a cactus—dry, spiny, chafing—and not reach for Greg? It was a personal attack. “I could fix you,” he mumbled to the screen, a single tear of unsqueezed lotion sliding down his cheek. “You don’t need that prick. You need me.” On the desk, a motivational book titled “You Deserve Smoothness” mocked him. Greg had once gifted that book to a half-used body butter named Sheila, hoping it would jumpstart her confidence. She ghosted him. Literally rolled under the bed and never came back. Typical. Tissues lay strewn about the scene—some from emotion, some from Greg’s unfortunate habit of spontaneous leakage. It wasn’t his fault; he was sensitive, emotionally and hydraulically. He sighed, audibly. No one heard him, of course. Lotion bottles have no vocal cords. But if they did, Greg’s sigh would’ve sounded like Barry White after a night of bad decisions and cocoa butter. Then it happened. A sound. Footsteps. The soft slap of bare feet across laminate. The human. She was coming. Maybe today was the day. Maybe she’d pick him up again, feel his curves, give him one last pump for old time’s sake. Greg straightened his cap. Tried to look moisturizable. Tensed every ounce of remaining SPF 15 inside his soul. The door opened. She entered. She reached toward him— —then stopped. Her eyes wandered. Her hand hovered, hesitated… then slid past Greg and grabbed… Hand sanitizer. Greg deflated, dramatically. “Seriously?” he muttered. “That basic bitch?” In the distance, the YouTube video looped. The cactus was getting caressed again. And Greg? He just watched… leaking slowly into oblivion. The Rubdown Redemption Greg lay in a puddle of his own despair (and half a pump of aloe), questioning everything. Was it his viscosity? Had he gone too heavy on the shea? Maybe he shouldn’t have added that “tingling menthol” to his formula. People said they liked surprises, but apparently, not when their thighs were involved. “I used to be the whole routine,” he whispered to no one. “Post-shower, pre-date, mid-winter emergency hand relief. That was me.” The candle flickered mockingly, its label—Sensual Aloe—now a cruel inside joke between Greg and the void. Even the tissues had dried up and blown away. Greg was alone. Unused. Unloved. Untouched. Until a miracle arrived. Her name was Becky. The new roommate. She moved in like a chaotic whirlwind of velvet scrunchies, faux-fur slippers, and an almost erotic amount of body glitter. Becky brought moisture energy. She burned incense. She bathed for sport. She had a drawer labeled “Emergency Lubes (All Occasions).” She was, in every way, Greg’s dream user. Greg first saw her during the Great Shelf Reorg of Tuesday Night. She found him while digging for a missing charger. Her hand wrapped around his bottle like destiny itself. Greg swore he heard a choir of tiny, scented angels hum a slow jam. “Oh my god,” Becky said, examining his dusty label. “You’re the good stuff. Why did no one tell me we had an aloe-based emotional support dispenser?” Greg shivered. Or maybe that was just a bubble of air stuck in his pump nozzle. Hard to say. Emotions and physics blurred. That night, he returned to glory. Becky didn’t just use Greg—she used him. Post-shower, mid-TikTok skincare breakdown, even once during a date prep where she declared, “Nobody's getting this peach dry tonight!” and slathered herself head to toe while humming Mariah Carey. Greg had never felt so alive. Every pump was a symphony. Every squeeze, an affirmation of his purpose. He wasn't just lotion—he was foreplay in a bottle. He met the others. The squad. Becky’s holy trinity: a coconut scrub named CocoNutz, a peppermint foot balm called Toe Daddy, and an inexplicably seductive facial mist everyone just referred to as “Mistress Hydration.” Together, they were the Skincare Avengers. And Greg was the comeback kid with a slippery past and a creamy heart of gold. But even in paradise, cracks form. One day, after a long, steamy lather session, Becky brought home a new bottle—sleek, curvy, matte black with gold lettering. The label read: “Midnight Musk: Hydration for the Hedonist.” Greg felt the shift. Midnight Musk was everything he wasn’t. Sultry. Fragrance-forward. Built like a cologne ad with six-pack abs. Greg was more… reliable. Functional. The kind of lotion you introduce to your mom. “Don’t take it personally,” Mistress Hydration whispered. “She likes variety. You’re the one she trusts when she’s sad and watching true crime in bed.” Greg nodded, but deep down, he knew: he had entered the poly-moisture phase of the relationship. Still, he was content. Happy even. He had a place again, a purpose. And on lonely nights when Becky reached for Midnight Musk, Greg would whisper to himself, “She’ll come back. You can’t beat aloe and unconditional love.” As the candle burned lower and the tissues piled high once more (for different reasons now), Greg smiled to himself. He was no longer just a sad little bottle with a pump problem. He was part of something bigger. Something smooth. And he’d never forget the dark, dry days that made the creamy nights all the more satisfying. Somewhere in the background, the ASMR video still played—hands on cactus, whispering, “moisturize me.” But Greg no longer watched. He was living his best life now. One pump at a time.     Epilogue: The Last Pump Greg didn’t last forever. No lotion bottle does. One day, after an especially aggressive thigh application following a tragic waxing incident, Becky pressed his pump and… nothing came out. She tried again. Nothing. Not even a pathetic dribble. Greg was empty. She held him for a moment, gently shaking him like a fallen comrade. “Damn,” she whispered. “You were the real one.” She didn’t toss him immediately. No, Greg earned a place on the “empties shelf”—a little shrine above the toilet where Becky displayed her favorite used-up products like war heroes and emotionally significant candles. He sat beside a dead mascara wand named Sir Smudge-a-lot and a bath bomb tin that still smelled like grapefruit orgasms. And there he remained, dry but not forgotten. A quiet legend. A bottle who gave until he could give no more. Who absorbed awkward silences, comforted chapped elbows, and brought lubrication to the parts that needed it most—physically and emotionally. Sometimes, when the bathroom was still and the candlelight flickered just right, you could swear you heard a whisper from that shelf: “You deserve smoothness.” And everyone who heard it… believed it.     Take Greg Home (Without the Mess) If Greg’s journey tugged at your dry, cracked heartstrings, you’re not alone. Now you can bring a piece of this moisturizing masterpiece into your own space—with zero chance of leakage. Whether you're building a shrine to emotional hydration or just want your shower curtain to raise questions and eyebrows, we’ve got you covered (literally). 🧺 Tapestry – Dramatic wall vibes, for when you're feeling extra lotionally unstable. 🖼️ Framed Print – Class up your space with highbrow hydration tragedy. 🛏️ Duvet Cover – Cuddle up with Greg. He promises not to squirt unexpectedly. 🚿 Shower Curtain – Let your guests question your bathroom priorities. Moisture is temporary. Art is forever. Treat yourself (and your thighs).

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Pour Decisions

The kitchen was quiet. Too quiet. The kind of quiet that made spoons nervous and measuring cups develop existential dread. Then suddenly—click—the cabinet door creaked open. Gerald the glass pitcher stretched out with a wide, unhinged grin, water sloshing behind his bulging eyeballs. He licked his nonexistent lips (don’t ask how), flexed his translucent handle, and whispered, “Time to get moist.” Across the counter, Melvin the mug jolted awake with a shiver. “Oh for the love of glass—Gerald, not again!” he screeched, eyes wide as a dinner plate. “It’s 7 a.m. and I haven’t even been descaled yet!” But Gerald was already mid-stalk. “Melvy, Melvy, Melvy... don’t be such a drip.” He raised himself to full height, water gurgling ominously. “You know you want it. You’re empty, I’m full. Let’s pour some magic, baby.” Melvin backed up an inch, handle trembling. “Listen, it’s not that I don’t like you. I just—last time you poured into me, I needed therapy. And a drying rack.” “Therapy?” Gerald gasped, clutching his spout. “That was a celebration of fluids! I made you feel alive!” “You made me feel violated, Gerald.” At that moment, a hand—human, hairy, unbothered—entered the scene, grabbing Gerald like a reusable deviant. “Here we gooooo!” the human voice bellowed in a jolly tone, oblivious to the sheer chaos about to unfold. Gerald's face contorted into a maniacal smile as he was lifted into the air, pointing his stream directly at Melvin. “Prepare to get filled!” Melvin screamed. Loudly. His eyes stretched as wide as possible, his lip curled in horror. “OH SWEET CERAMIC JESUS, NOOO!” The first splash hit with a violent splash. Water splattered. Melvin’s lip quivered, a single droplet running down his side like a cinematic tear. “I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready...” he whimpered. Gerald let out a long, satisfied moan. “Aaaaahhhhhh. That’s the stuff. Look at you, so wet and scared. You little mug slut.” “I WILL press charges!” Melvin screeched. “What are they gonna do? Lock me in the fridge?” Gerald cackled. “I’m BPA-free, baby. Untouchable.” As the stream slowed and Gerald wobbled with satisfaction, the human hand placed him down gently, unaware of the scarring scene it had enabled. Melvin sat trembling, filled to the brim and emotionally wrecked. Somewhere in the background, the toaster whispered, “Same thing happened to me last week.” And in the distance, a lonely blender whispered, “I’d let him pour in me...”   Melvin sat there, stunned. Water leaked from the corner of his lip like a secret he could never unhear. Gerald—madman, hydrating overlord, certified glasshole—stood smugly across the counter, flexing his spout like he was about to star in a raunchy kitchen calendar. “You good?” Gerald asked casually, leaning against a salt shaker with the confidence of a shot glass that knew tequila was coming. Melvin’s eyes twitched. “No, Gerald. I’m not good. You didn’t even warm up the water. You just blasted it in raw. Ice cold. Like a prison shower.” Gerald laughed so hard his lid rattled. “Spontaneity, my little cup of chaos. That’s what keeps the spice flowing. You mugs want all this foreplay—coasters, napkins, pre-heats. I’m a jug of action.” “A jug of trauma,” Melvin muttered, shaking. “I can still feel the splash on my insides.” The room grew still. Even the microwave dared not beep. Then a soft voice piped up from the back of the utensil drawer. “He poured into me once,” said Sally the Soup Bowl. “It was… confusing.” “You asked for chowder and I brought broth. That’s on you,” Gerald said smugly. Melvin tried to climb off the counter, but his handle was slippery from the overspill. He clinked against a spoon, who recoiled dramatically like he’d just witnessed utensil abuse. “Don’t drag me into your kink,” the spoon hissed. Gerald strutted over, sloshing suggestively. “You’re not leaving yet, Melvin. I’ve still got half a pour in me. And you know what that means.” “NO!” Melvin shouted, his rim trembling. “I’m full. FULL, Gerald. I’m practically drowning. One more drop and I’ll spill. I will spill!” Gerald narrowed his eyes, which was impressive for a pitcher with no eyebrows. “That’s what you said last time, but you handled it like a champ.” “Last time I blacked out and woke up in the dish rack next to a ladle with a God complex!” Just then, the human hand returned—this time with a lemon wedge. Melvin's scream echoed across the kitchen. “NOOOO! CITRUS STINGS!” “It’s called zest, sweetheart,” Gerald purred, as the lemon plopped into the mug like a garnish of violation. “Now you’re my spicy boy.” Melvin twitched violently. “You sick, sadistic pour-fiend.” “You love it,” Gerald whispered with a wink. At that moment, a new mug entered the scene. Tall. Curvy. Heat-resistant. Her name was Veronica, and she had a silicone base and confidence that could steam milk on contact. “Gerald,” she said, voice like a slow pour of honey. “Pick on someone with insulation.” Gerald blinked. “Veronica... I thought you were in the cupboard. With the espresso boys.” She stepped forward. “I was. But they’re all foam. No substance.” She turned to Melvin, placing a gentle handle on his. “You okay, sugar?” “I—I think I’m leaking,” he whispered, lip quivering. Veronica looked at Gerald. “You pour in him again without consent, I’ll break your spout off and use you as a flower vase in a dentist’s office.” Gerald slowly backed away, eyes wide, water level trembling. “Okay... okay... pourplay’s gotta be mutual, I get it…” Melvin exhaled. For the first time that morning, he felt... safe. Empty. But safe. The human hand left the room, humming blissfully unaware. Gerald slunk back to his corner of the counter, muttering something about “pitcher discrimination” and “cancel culture.” Veronica stayed by Melvin’s side. “Let’s get you cleaned up, handsome. Maybe a nice dishwasher cycle. With steam. The gentle kind.” Melvin nodded, leaning into her comforting touch. “Thank you,” he whispered. And somewhere deep in the shadows, the blender turned itself on... just a little.     The Afterdrip Weeks passed. Gerald had been moved to the top shelf — the glassware equivalent of solitary confinement. He spent his days stewing in filtered silence, occasionally muttering about “liquid freedom” and “the oppression of dry living.” A sticker on his side now read: Supervised Use Only. Melvin, meanwhile, had found peace. Therapy (and three deep cycles on the top rack) helped him recover from the emotional turbulence. He’d even joined a support group: M.U.G.S. — Mugs United for Gentle Sipping. Tuesdays at 7. Bring your own coaster. Veronica never left his side. They shared quiet mornings, warm steeps, and slow pours. Melvin finally understood what it meant to be filled — emotionally, not traumatically. The two mugs even adopted a little espresso cup named Bean. Tiny. Hyper-caffeinated. Full of rage. In time, Gerald was allowed back into circulation, but only for cold brews and under the watchful eye of the French Press, who ran a tight counter. He was older, wiser... maybe just a little emptier. But on some nights, if you listened closely, you could still hear his whisper through the cupboard slats: “You can take the pour outta the pitcher… but you can’t take the pitcher outta the pour.” And in the distance, the blender whispered one last time, “Still waiting, Gerald...” — The End —     Bring the Madness Home If “Pour Decisions” left a splash on your soul (or at least made you spit your coffee laughing), you can now own the chaos! This delightfully unhinged artwork by Bill and Linda Tiepelman is available as a: Framed Print – Keep it classy while things get messy Metal Print – Bold, glossy, and dangerously smooth (like Gerald) Acrylic Print – Ultra-modern and sharp enough to make a mug nervous Wood Print – For rustic vibes with a splash of emotional damage Warning: Side effects may include uncontrollable laughter, kitchen-based innuendos, and a sudden desire to protect your mug at all costs.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Salty and Savage - Fork Me Gently

Stab Me, Daddy At first glance, it looked like an ordinary drawer. Just your typical mix of dull butter knives, clingy teaspoons, and that one suspiciously sticky garlic press nobody ever wants to deal with. But deep inside—beneath the bottle openers and shame—was a fork. Not just any fork. The fork. He called himself “Tony.” Four long, glistening tines. Curved just enough to imply danger but still safe for children. His chrome finish? Flawless. His edge? Blunt, but emotionally sharp. And tonight? He was feeling... ravenous. “Another salad?” Tony muttered, rolling his smooth neck and flexing his prongs like a man about to fork something he shouldn’t. “I wasn’t forged for foliage. I want meat. I want steam. I want to puncture something that moans when I stab it.” Beside him, the butter knife snorted. “You always get like this after taco night. Just be grateful you’re not the melon baller.” “The melon baller WANTS that life,” Tony shot back, eyes narrowed, tines twitching with anticipation. “That little sphere-humper gets off on cantaloupe. I’m built different. I need friction. Texture. Resistance.” Just then, the drawer slid open, and everything got real quiet. The human hand. The great chooser. The flesh overlord. Everyone held their breath as fingers hovered over them like a judgmental god at a cutlery speed dating event. “Pick me. Pick me. Pick meeeee,” Tony whispered desperately, trying to look sexy but also functional. The hand paused. Hovered. Moved toward the ladle—then snapped back, gripped Tony, and lifted. “YESSSSS,” Tony hissed like a snake with a table etiquette kink. He was raised high into the light, into the world beyond the drawer—and what he saw made his tines tingle: a perfectly grilled steak. Juicy. Pink in the middle. Barely legal, temperature-wise. “Oh, you saucy slab,” Tony moaned, trembling in the human's grip. “You’re about to get forked harder than a microwave burrito at 2am.” The knife was already there, slicing slowly like it was narrating a true crime documentary. “You take the left cheek,” it said. “I’ll take the right. We’re doing this medium rare and emotionally raw.” “Stab me, daddy,” the steak whispered, steam rising seductively. Tony didn’t hesitate. He plunged into the meat with all four prongs, letting out a metallic groan of satisfaction. The juices ran. The plate quivered. The nearby spoon fainted. It was glorious. But something felt… off. Tony looked down. There it was—an ominous drizzle of steak sauce pooling beside the mashed potatoes like a brown puddle of judgment. “You didn’t,” Tony gasped. “You used A1? You… monster.” Whisk Me Away There was a pause. A silence so thick it could’ve been sliced with a cheese knife if that little coward hadn’t retreated behind the soup ladle at the first sign of condiment conflict. Tony stood motionless, dripping steak juice and betrayal. He had been used—violated—by a bottle of A1. “You said it would be dry-rubbed,” he whispered to the human, who, of course, didn’t answer. They never did. Monsters. Fork abusers. As the steak cooled and the mashed potatoes soaked up the shame like a carb-based sponge, Tony was unceremoniously dropped on the edge of the sink. Not even rinsed. Just… abandoned. Left to sit in a puddle of beef runoff like last night’s bad decision. “You okay?” came a sultry voice from the drying rack. Tony turned, still dazed, and locked eyes with the whisk. She was tall, curvy, and twisted in all the right ways. Stainless steel loops for days. Her handle was slightly melted near the end—trauma from a tragic crème brûlée incident—but damn, it gave her character. Experience. Edge. “You’re looking... overworked,” she purred, flicking a single loop suggestively. “Let me whip you into shape.” Tony tried to stay cool. “I don’t usually get whisked on the first date.” She slinked over, dragging herself across the counter with a kind of sultry, metallic clatter that screamed “kitchen dominatrix.” Tony’s tines tingled. He didn’t know whether he wanted to run or be emulsified. “I’ve seen how you stab,” she whispered. “You’ve got... penetration energy.” Before he could respond, the spatula clapped from across the sink. “Can you two not? It’s 9AM. Some of us were flipping pancakes all night and need rest.” “Jealousy is a flat utensil,” the whisk sneered. Then turned back to Tony. “Ever been whipped until you scream your safe word in French?” “My safe word is ‘nonstick,’” he replied, voice low and dangerous. She coiled her loops around his handle slowly, pulling him closer. “Mine’s ‘deglaze.’” From the corner, the meat thermometer groaned. “Ugh. Every damn weekend. Just once, I want a peaceful breakfast.” But peace was off the menu. Because just then, the human hand returned—greasy, impatient, still smelling of steak sins and morning-after desperation. And in it? A bowl. A big one. Ceramic. Wide. Shallow. The kind of vessel that said: I hope you like it messy. “Oh hell,” the whisk moaned. “It’s brunch time.” Before Tony could protest, he was snatched back into action. Not steak this time—eggs. Raw. Slippery. Slutty. The kind of eggs that didn’t care what time of day it was or how long you’d been soaking in your own juices. The whisk was already in the bowl, moaning with each circular thrust. “Come on, Fork Daddy,” she shouted. “Scramble me like you mean it!” Tony plunged in, swirling, stabbing, piercing yolks with reckless abandon. Together, they stirred chaos. Seasoned sin. The spatula watched in stunned silence, the tongs clicked nervously, and the garlic press wept in the junk drawer, clutching an old lemon wedge for comfort. It was messy. It was loud. It was... brunch porn. By the time the mixture hit the pan, Tony was spent. Bent. Covered in protein and shame. The whisk rested beside him on the towel, loops twitching with satisfaction. “Same time next weekend?” she whispered. “Only if we skip the sauce,” he murmured, eyes already glazing over like the donut the human had just dropped on the floor. Down in the drawer, the butter knife sighed. “This is why we don’t get invited to the nice kitchens.”     Epilogue: Utensils and Afterglow Monday morning came quietly. The hangover of brunch still clung to the kitchen like the stench of overcooked eggs and questionable life choices. The whisk had been tossed unceremoniously into the dishwasher, tangled in a pile of soggy chopsticks and a rogue reusable straw. She didn’t seem to mind. She liked it wet and chaotic. Tony? Tony lay alone on the drying rack. Bent. Crusted. Staring at the ceiling like a war veteran who’d seen too many yolks break under pressure. “Was it worth it?” he whispered to no one, as a rogue crumb drifted past like tumbleweed in a Western where the gunslingers are all kitchen tools with abandonment issues. Somewhere in the back of the fridge, the sour cream had expired silently. The salad spinner hadn’t moved since The Incident. Even the spice rack was unusually quiet—cumin refused to make eye contact and cinnamon had taken a vow of silence. But even in the stillness, something stirred. A tremble in the drawer. A soft clink. A seductive whisper: “Hey… Tony. You ever been double-teamed by a cheese grater and an immersion blender?” He didn’t answer right away. Just sighed. Long. Forked. “God help me,” he muttered, dragging himself upright with the strength of a utensil who knew this wasn’t over. Not even close. Because in this drawer… in this kitchen… in this godforsaken temple of heat, grease, and emotional instability—there were no clean breaks. Only rinse cycles. And Tony? Tony was born to stir shit up.     Bring the Flavor Home Still thinking about Tony’s tines and that whisk's loop game? Yeah, we get it. Now you can own a piece of the madness with our exclusive “Salty and Savage” collection by Bill and Linda Tiepelman—perfect for kitchens, conversation starters, or just unsettling your dinner guests in the best way possible. Framed Print – Class it up. Frame the chaos. Metal Print – Sleek, shiny, and hotter than your nonstick pan at 500°. Acrylic Print – For when you want your wall art to scream “I make questionable choices and I own them.” Tote Bag – Take the flavor on the go. Groceries will never look at you the same. Own it. Gift it. Just don’t try to explain it to your grandma. Unless she’s cool. Then definitely show her the tote.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Smoothie with a Side of Sinister

The Whirl Before the Storm It all started on a Monday, which—statistically speaking—is the worst day to be murdered by your kitchen appliances. Not that Marty had any clue. He was far too hungover, pantsless, and determined to start a juice cleanse he'd promised his ex to finally notice the evil lurking in his countertop corner. The blender had been a thrift store find. One of those “slightly cursed” models with a price tag that simply read “DO NOT TAUNT.” But for $8.99 and a 30-day warranty, Marty wasn’t about to pass up a piece of machinery that claimed to “obliterate pulp on a molecular level.” Plus, it had character—sleek metal base, vintage dial, and a vibe somewhere between 1950s diner and haunted sex dungeon. He was in love. “Alright, Buster,” Marty slurred, squinting at the blender with a mix of affection and residual tequila vision. “Time to juice me into a better person.” He grabbed a banana with the finesse of a raccoon handling a lightsaber and hurled it in. Strawberries? Yeeted. Chia seeds? Everywhere but the blender. Marty didn’t care. He had the enthusiasm of a gym bro on pre-workout and a YouTube playlist called ‘Cleanse Me, Daddy’ echoing from his Bluetooth speaker. Then came the moment. Marty flipped the dial to “1.” The blender didn’t just start—it moaned. A low, guttural rumble rose from its base like Barry White had been resurrected and trapped in an appliance. Then, as if responding to an invisible switch, arms burst from the blender’s sides—long, rubbery, muscular appendages with a hint of “freshly microwaved Stretch Armstrong” about them. One hand clutched the blender lid like a baseball cap on a rollercoaster. The other went straight for the dial. Marty, to his credit, only pissed himself a little. “Mmm, baby,” the blender purred, voice deeper than a jazz saxophone dipped in molasses. “Daddy likes it rough. Let’s spin things up to 11.” Before Marty could scream or sue the thrift store, the blender's face pushed forward through the fruit mush—eyes bulging like overripe grapes, a mouth full of teeth designed purely to violate OSHA regulations, and a tongue that waggled like it had things to say but no filter. “I’m not just blending smoothies,” it growled with a toothy grin. “I’m blending souls.” Marty screamed. The blender screamed back. And then—because nothing says “morning madness” like a blender with a libido—it turned the dial all the way up to “Smooth AF.” Fruit exploded. Berries wept. Marty ducked. The walls wept with seeds. And the blender? It laughed. A full-throated, maniacal cackle that echoed through the apartment like an orgy of malfunctioning espresso machines. “THIS. IS. BREAKFAST!” it howled, slapping the countertop with its freakishly strong limbs. “Now who wants a protein shot?” Marty, dripping in fruit guts and life regrets, crawled backwards toward the living room. He was going to need more than a juice cleanse. He needed therapy, an exorcist, and possibly a new pair of boxers. But the blender wasn't done. Not by a long shot. Its eyes glowed brighter. Its teeth somehow multiplied. Its tongue traced the rim of the pitcher with deeply unnecessary sensuality. “You think I'm just here for your health?” it whispered, slinking closer. “Baby, I'm the whole goddamn snack.” Berry Bad Intentions Marty sprint-crawled into the living room like a baby deer with a hangover, one sock, and a strong urge to never eat fruit again. Behind him, the blender clunked off the counter and landed upright with the grace of a demonic gymnast, its cord writhing like a possessed tail and the base pulsing with unholy smoothie power. “Oh, don't run, sugar lump,” it cooed. “We were just getting to the pulp fiction part of our morning.” Marty’s phone? Dead. His will to live? Flickering. The only weapon he had was a half-eaten protein bar and a mildly judgmental housecat named Stamos, who, as usual, did nothing but watch the chaos with complete indifference. “Okay, okay,” Marty babbled, throwing a throw pillow like it owed him money. “You want juice? You can have juice! Just leave my soul—and my apartment—unviolated!” “Pfft,” the blender scoffed. “Soul smoothies are keto. Guilt-free and rich in trauma.” It leapt onto the couch, arms flexing with all the confidence of an appliance that did CrossFit and gave zero damns. The lid popped open, splattering pulp like some kind of fruity baptism across Marty’s IKEA décor. The smell? A mix between strawberry jam, raw chaos, and unspoken therapy bills. “You ever been emulsified emotionally, Marty?” it growled, voice now a disturbing hybrid of Gordon Ramsay and late-night phone sex. “Because I’ve got three speeds: blend, pulverize, and consent optional.” “This is why I don’t meal prep!” Marty screamed, launching the protein bar like a grenade. It bounced harmlessly off the blender’s face, which only made it giggle with the gleeful menace of a toddler lighting fireworks indoors. “You’re spicy,” it hissed. “I like that. You’ll pair well with cinnamon... and regret.” Suddenly, a burst of inspiration—or possibly brain damage—hit Marty. He lunged for the one appliance more chaotic than the blender: the air fryer. With a savage scream and a mighty heave, he chucked it like a sacred artifact of rage. There was a crack. A flash. A sound that could only be described as a wet fart and a lightning bolt having sex in a fruit bowl. BOOM. When Marty opened his eyes, the blender was twitching. Sparking. Its tongue hung limp, its arms curled inwards like it just came back from a three-day bender at Burning Man. The red glow in its eyes faded into a pitiful flicker. “You... overcooked me,” it rasped. “You dirty little toaster slut...” With one final sizzle, it slumped to the ground, surrounded by a halo of chia seeds and the sweet, sweet scent of closure. Marty collapsed on the floor, still pantless, covered in bits of strawberry and self-loathing. Stamos the cat finally moved—for exactly one paw’s worth of effort—and began licking a bit of rogue banana off the wall. The silence was... blissful. Two weeks later, Marty sold the apartment, joined a support group for survivors of sentient kitchenware, and started dating a barista named Chelsea who refused to own a blender on ethical grounds. Things were looking up. But somewhere, deep in a back room of that same cursed thrift shop, a new sticker was slapped on a dusty food processor: “SLIGHTLY POSSESSED. NO REFUNDS.” And across town, a young couple plugged it in, smiling at the bargain they'd just scored. Breakfast would never be the same again.     Epilogue: Blend Me Gently The thrift store was quiet, save for the constant hum of flickering fluorescent lights and the occasional death-rattle of a haunted cash register drawer. Behind a sagging curtain marked “STAFF ONLY” in peeling vinyl letters, shelves sagged under the weight of cursed crockpots, moody microwaves, and a George Foreman grill that whispered slurs in four languages. And on one dusty metal rack, sandwiched between a waffle maker with intimacy issues and a slow cooker that screamed during Lent, sat the blender. Refurbished. Rewired. Rehorny. Its eyes opened slowly—one bulb flickering to life, then the other. The dial twitched. The cord stretched itself like a bored snake. “Daddy’s home,” it purred, voice scratchy but filled with innuendo and revenge. “Round two’s gonna be thicker.” A slow chuckle began deep in its motor—an unsettling mix between a garbage disposal and your worst Tinder date. The other appliances shifted nervously on their shelves. And as a new hand reached toward it—a chipper college student named Brynn, majoring in nutrition and doomed beyond comprehension—the blender's mouth curled into that now-infamous grin. Somewhere in the distance, Marty sneezed and felt an inexplicable sense of doom. Stamos the cat knocked over a bag of chia seeds in protest. But it was too late. The Blendening had only just begun.     🍓 Take the Chaos Home 🍌 Loved this thick, fruity fever dream? Now you can own a piece of the pulpocalypse with our official Smoothie with a Side of Sinister collection, featuring the unholy art by Bill and Linda Tiepelman. Whether you want to hang it on your wall, carry it to therapy, or warn guests that your kitchen isn’t safe—there’s something for everyone. 🖼️ Framed Print – Classy chaos for your walls 🔩 Metal Print – For when you need your art unreasonably durable 👜 Tote Bag – Bring fruit-based trauma everywhere you go ✨ Acrylic Print – Smooth, glossy, and totally possessed Just be warned: placing this image near your blender may lead to inappropriate whispering and unexplainable cravings. Shop responsibly.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Shampoo Strikes Back

The steam had barely risen when the trouble started. Barry, a mild-mannered bar of soap with sensitive skin and a lifelong fear of mildew, had just clocked in for his usual spot on the shower ledge. It was a quiet life—rinse, lather, repeat. He even had a decent relationship with Loofah Linda, though she had a scratchy personality. But nothing in Barry’s soft-sud existence could’ve prepared him for that bottle. He came in hot—like, really hot. The shampoo bottle. All slick pecs and deranged grin. His label had long since peeled off, his ingredients were unregulated, and he foamed at the nozzle. Literally. His name? Max. Max Volume. And he didn’t come to clean—he came to dominate. "What’s the matter, soap boy?" Max growled, flexing a nozzle that had seen things. "You look... dry." Barry slid a cautious inch toward the drain. "I-I’m 99% natural! No parabens! We can coexist, man!" Max cackled. "Coexist? Barry, your time is up. Nobody uses bar soap anymore unless they’re staying at a 2-star motel or trying to be quirky on TikTok. You’re done. I’m the future. I’m two-in-one, baby." Before Barry could even stammer a response, Max pounced, his cap popping open like a frat bro ready to ruin brunch. Suds flew. Barry screamed. The floor got... moist. Somewhere in the chaos, the loofah cheered. The razor fainted. And Barry? Barry was about to go where no soap had gone before—the dark side of the shampoo caddy. Barry hit the plastic with a wet thud. The caddy smelled like expired eucalyptus and broken dreams. Above him, Max loomed like a sudsy titan, foam dripping down his label like drool from a shampoo-soaked Cerberus. "You know what they say, Barry," Max hissed, flexing his overly-defined bottle neck. "Condition or be conditioned." Barry scrambled backward, his lather slicking the soap shelf in a panic. "Please! I’ve got a family—three travel-sized cousins under the sink and a half-melted aunt in the guest bathroom!" "They’ll melt too, Barry. Everyone does," Max sneered. "Except me. I’ve got preservatives. I never go bad." Just then, the shower curtain rustled. A shadow loomed. The Human was back. Max’s wild eyes flicked to the curtain, then back to Barry. Time was short. The shampoo bottle grabbed the terrified soap and hoisted him above his cap like a trophy. "One last rinse, you slippery little—" SLAP! Max dropped Barry with a squeal. Out of nowhere, a pink blur struck him mid-label. He spun, disoriented, a squirt of foam bursting from his lid. Standing at the ready, trembling and vibrating with scrubby rage, was Loofah Linda. And she looked pissed. "Put the soap down, Max," she growled, her netted loops quivering with fury. "You leave him alone or I’ll exfoliate your ass into next week." Max tried to regain composure, but his foam fizzled. "You wouldn't dare. I’ve got tea tree oil." "I’ve got volcanic ash, you slippery bastard." Barry blinked from the corner, still soaked and trembling. Max snarled and made one last dash—but slipped on a slick spot of coconut oil and faceplanted into the drain guard with a satisfying squelch. The bathroom fell silent except for the slow drip of the faucet and the gentle hum of Linda’s victory scrub. Barry crawled back to the ledge, shaken, slippery, and slightly aroused. Linda offered a loop. He took it. "You saved me," he whispered, eyes wide. "Why?" She gave a coy wiggle. "Let’s just say I’ve got a soft spot for hard bars." From that day on, Barry lathered with pride. Max? Relegated to the back of the tub, wedged upside down behind the body wash and half-empty bubble bath. As for Linda and Barry? Every rinse was a little steamier—and Max learned the hard way that you never mess with old-school clean. Moral of the story: Don’t pick a fight in the shower. Someone always gets rinsed.     Months passed. The bathroom ecosystem slowly returned to a soggy peace. Max Volume, now wedged behind a seldom-used foot scrubber and a crusty bottle of self-tanning mousse, had lost his shine. His pump squeaked. His bravado fizzled. Every once in a while, he’d mutter about “market dominance” and “shampoo supremacy,” but no one listened—except a lonely bath bomb who exploded on contact with air and didn’t believe in capitalism. Barry, meanwhile, found purpose in the simple joys: the warm hum of hot water, the ticklish spray from the showerhead, and Linda’s rough-around-the-edges affection. Together, they became the bathroom's power couple. She exfoliated. He moisturized. They took pride in the ritual, in the intimacy of daily routine. No pump. No squeeze. Just touch, texture, and time. Even the razor—who’d gone full nihilist after a bad date with an electric trimmer—started perking up again. The duck-shaped sponge returned from exile. The human bought a shelf insert. Things were, for once, stable. Soapy. Harmonious. And somewhere, deep behind the loofahs, a barely audible whisper echoed through the steam: “Three-in-one is coming.” But Barry didn’t worry. He was slicker than ever. And this time… he had backup.     Love Barry and Linda’s slippery saga? Bring the chaos, comedy, and sudsy suspense of “The Shampoo Strikes Back” into your own bathroom with our hilariously bold shower curtain—guaranteed to spark conversation and possibly fear in your shampoo bottle. Want to towel off the trauma? Grab the matching bath towel, equal parts soft and scandalous. Prefer to keep your soapscapades dry? Showcase the drama with a stunning framed print or an eye-catching acrylic print for the wall. It's weird. It's wild. It's wash-day warfare—packaged for your décor, your laughs, and your oddly specific bathroom vibes.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Roll for Your Life!

The Call of Doody Deep within the humid, echo-prone chamber known as “The Throne Room,” a young toilet paper roll named Rolland T. P. Wipe stood tall—metaphorically, of course. He was your standard two-ply with a heart of quilted gold. Fresh off the Costco pack, untested, unspoiled, untouched by butt. His friends used to joke that he was a bit... uptight. Always wound a little too tight around the core. But Rolland knew something the others didn't: the stories. The flushy fables. The Tales of the Torn. He’d heard them whispered late at night under the sink—legends of noble rolls who went in whole, but came out shredded. Of brave souls who gave it all for the cheeks of humanity, only to be flushed down into the watery underworld with a final soggy farewell. Some said there were survivors. Most said that was crap. Literal crap. Rolland wasn’t ready for that life. He had dreams. Aspirations. He wanted to travel, see the world beyond the tile. Maybe get into bidet activism, or start a line of luxury tissue for the sensitive-bottomed elite. But fate had other plans. And by “fate,” we mean Chad. Now, Chad wasn’t evil—just inconsiderate, lactose-intolerant, and tragically unaware of fiber's importance in the diet. A man with the diet of a teenager and the bowel control of a dying sloth. When he entered the bathroom that fateful Sunday morning, it wasn’t a visit—it was an invasion. The door creaked open. The air grew tense. The tile shivered beneath his Crocs. Chad approached the porcelain throne like a man possessed—his bare cheeks already making a thunderous clap of doom as he sat, unaware that Rolland was the Chosen One today. Rolland’s tube tightened. His perforations trembled. He saw the gleam in Chad’s eye as the man reached toward him, mid-grunt, mumbling something about “the spicy wings from last night.” “No… no, not me... not like this!” Rolland gasped (in his mind, because paper can't speak—but let’s pretend it can for emotional impact). Then, with one final gasp, Rolland leapt. His little limbs sprouted from his cardboard core, and he sprinted across the tiles like a roll on a mission. Behind him, Chad let out a guttural moan of inconvenience. “Goddammit! Where the hell do the good rolls keep going?!” But Rolland didn’t look back. Heroes never look back. Especially not when a sweaty human ass is involved. Skidmarks and Sacrifice Rolland’s cardboard core pounded like a tribal drum as he sprinted across the bathroom tiles, every square inch of his quilted frame vibrating with adrenaline. He dodged a rogue hairball, leapt over a stray toenail clipping, and skidded past a suspicious puddle that smelled vaguely of Mountain Dew and regret. “Must escape… must not be wiped…” he panted, arms flailing with every bounce. The toilet behind him groaned like a haunted soul. Chad, still perched like a sweaty demon atop his porcelain perch, let out a sigh so deep it altered the humidity levels in the room. “Where’s the damn backup roll?!” he barked, hunched and squinting at the empty chrome holder. His hand hovered near the sink, groping blindly for salvation. Rolland’s time was running out. He dashed toward the baseboard. Maybe he could wedge himself under the vanity, fake his own smearing—I mean, death. Lay low for a few months, rebrand himself as a paper towel. Hell, even napkins got more respect than this! But just as he was about to duck under the cabinet, he heard it. That unholy sound. The distinct, unmistakable crinkle of an emergency roll being unwrapped. “No...” he gasped, slowing in horror. Chad had found it: Generic 1-ply store-brand tissue. The kind that disintegrated on contact with anything moist. The kind that made grown men cry and rear ends bleed. A disgrace to the wiping arts. “Guess you’ll have to do,” Chad muttered, yanking it from its cellophane prison like a barbarian choosing a sacrificial virgin. Rolland turned around. Something shifted inside him—metaphorically, because he had no organs. But this was a roll with principles. “No one deserves that fate… not even Chad’s cheeks,” he whispered. And so, against every instinct, against every fiber of his being—he turned back. He ran. Toward the seat. Toward destiny. Toward doom. “Chad! Use me!” he screamed (again, just pretend he can talk, alright?). “I’m ultra-soft, aloe-infused, and 2-ply strong! Don’t do this to yourself!” Chad blinked. “Huh?” It didn’t matter. By the time Chad reached for the cheap stuff, Rolland was there—arms outstretched, noble, tragic, and softly quilted. The moment was tender. Brief. Absurdly damp. But Rolland knew: he had fulfilled his purpose, spared a man’s butt, and shown that even a humble roll could become a legend. As he was torn sheet by sheet, he looked back at the now-empty holder, smiled (somehow), and whispered: “Long live the roll.” And with a final flush… he was gone.     Epilogue: The Legend of the Last Wipe In the misty underworld of septic tanks and sewer lines, where only the most flushed souls dare roam, a whisper echoes through the grime: “Rolland lived.” They say he floats now, somewhere in the dark rivers beneath the porcelain realm, tattered but proud. Revered among used tampons, rogue goldfish, and half-dissolved Clorox wipes as “The Roll Who Chose.” He is spoken of with awe in janitorial break rooms, praised in plumber poetry slams, and even immortalized on the forbidden bathroom wall graffiti: “ROLLAND WAS HERE. HE SAVED MY REAR.” As for Chad, the experience changed him. He began buying premium tissue. Triple-ply. Lavender-scented. He even installed a bidet with LED lighting and Wi-Fi. Chad, at long last, learned to respect the sacred rite of the wipe. And every now and then, in the quiet hours of a 2 a.m. post-Taco Bell emergency, he swears he hears a faint voice rising from the bowl: “One sheet at a time, Chad… one sheet at a time…” And just like that, our brave little bathroom warrior became more than tissue. He became legend.     Can’t get enough of Rolland’s noble quest? Immortalize the legend in your own home with our hilariously heroic “Roll for Your Life” collection by Bill and Linda Tiepelman. Whether you're decorating your bathroom with a shower curtain that screams ‘run!’, drying your cheeks with a luxuriously soft bath towel, or hanging a framed print or a sleek acrylic piece that says “I take bathroom art seriously,” there’s a perfect piece for every fan of lowbrow brilliance. Go ahead—wipe responsibly, laugh loudly, and decorate boldly.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Overeasy and Overjoyed

Toast with the Most It was 7:03 AM in the Kingdom of Kitchenville, and Breakfast had just rolled out of bed — sticky, steamy, and undeniably over-easy. The toast was crisp, the air smelled like bacon regrets, and the royal flatware was already gossiping about last night’s wild fondue party. And in the middle of it all stood Sir Yolkmore the Moist — half-egg, half-enthusiasm, and entirely naked except for his buttery charm. With arms like undercooked breadsticks and feet that could double as hobbit cosplay, he stood on a throne of Wonder Bread, grinning like he’d just poached the Queen’s jam. “Another glorious morning to be sunny side up!” he bellowed, gripping his glistening yolk with both hands and letting it ooze seductively down his overjoyed face. The drip hit his lips like a protein smoothie with boundary issues. “Mmm. That’s the good goo.” A hush fell over the kitchen. Even the blender stopped mid-pulse. “Is he… is he milking himself again?” whispered a horrified teabag, quivering on the counter. “Shh,” replied a grizzled spatula. “He’s expressing his inner egg. It’s performance art.” Sir Yolkmore twirled, yolk flailing in a sticky arc. It splattered onto the tile like a Jackson Pollock made entirely of cholesterol and shame. Somewhere in the pantry, an avocado fainted. “To be soft in the center,” he shouted to no one in particular, “is the true power! Hard-boiled hearts make for limp love lives!” At that exact moment, a Pop-Tart screamed from the toaster. “Incoming!” Sir Yolkmore barely dodged the pastry missile, leaping to the left with the kind of grace only possessed by fried things that know their days are numbered. “Jealousy burns hot,” he muttered, licking a trail of yolk from his pecs. “Strawberry envy. So tart, so angry.” Suddenly, the cabinet doors flung open. Enter: **Lady Margarine**, slick, spreadable, and morally ambiguous. Her butter-knife heels clicked seductively as she slinked toward him. “You look… well-oiled, darling,” she purred, trailing a finger across his golden rim. “I could melt just looking at you.” “Then let’s turn up the heat,” he grinned, yolk now dangerously close to NSFW territory. “But first, I need you to butter me up. I have toast to conquer.” Lady Margarine gasped. “You scoundrel. You know what that does to my spread rate.” “That’s the plan, buttercup.” And just like that, he lunged. She slipped. The counter quivered. The blender whimpered. And breakfast got... weirdly personal. The Sticky Truth Beneath the Crust By mid-morning, the kitchen was in absolute chaos. A spatula had retired in protest. The blender joined a union. And the Pop-Tarts were plotting a revolution with the Instant Oatmeal packets—who were, let’s be honest, just happy to be included. Sir Yolkmore emerged from under the disheveled remains of a casserole dish, glistening with grease and victorious shame. Lady Margarine was nowhere to be seen—rumor had it she slid off with a croissant who claimed to be “flaky but emotionally available.” “All I wanted,” Yolkmore whispered, “was to feel... spreadable.” His yolk, now dangerously low from excessive dramatic dribbling, threatened to collapse entirely. Without his sunny center, he was just another fried egg with dreams too big for his skillet. But just when he thought it was over—just when the crumbs of destiny were blowing off the cutting board of fate—**a knock echoed from the fridge.** It was soft. Rhythmic. Chilling. Knock. Knock. Knock. Yolkmore scrambled upright. “Who dares disturb my descent into yolklessness?” The fridge door creaked open… and from the frosty shadows emerged a figure wrapped in plastic wrap, eyes glinting with cold storage trauma. It was... **Leftover Meatloaf Carl.** “You’re not finished, eggman,” Carl rasped, steam rising off his oddly sensual gravy patches. “There’s one more toast to butter. One last drip to squeeze.” Yolkmore's pupils dilated—whether from passion, fear, or cholesterol was unclear. “But… I’m leaking, Carl. I’m all dripped out.” Meatloaf Carl slapped him—firm, wet, emotional. “Then you better find another yolk, fast. This kitchen’s got a new order coming in, and if you’re not sizzling, you’re scrapped.” Just then, from above, a golden glow filled the kitchen. Time stopped. Or maybe it was just the microwave clock resetting after a power flicker. Regardless—it was *him.* Descending on a spatula like a breakfast messiah, the glowing orb of perfection. Yolk Prime, the Cosmic Breakfast. All yolk. No shell. Alpha to Omelet. “Sir Yolkmore,” boomed the celestial custard of life, “You’ve dripped far and wide. But your journey isn’t over. You are the chosen one. You must become... Eggstacy Incarnate.” And with a glorious squish, Yolk Prime embedded itself directly into Yolkmore’s face. There was a flash of golden light, a sound not unlike a balloon humping a leather sofa, and then… silence. The transformation was complete. Sir Yolkmore rose, radiant and terrifying. More yolk than man. The kind of breakfast that gets whispered about on adult brunch menus. “Call me… Lord Drizzle.” Appliances wept. Spoons trembled. The Pop-Tarts surrendered unbuttered. And as the sun rose above Kitchenville, one thing was certain— Breakfast would never be safe again.     Crumbs of the Crown Years passed. Or maybe it was just a few microwave cycles. Time gets weird in the kitchen when you’re immortalized in cholesterol and glory. Lord Drizzle—once Sir Yolkmore, bearer of chaos and barely cooked boundaries—now ruled over the Kingdom of Kitchenville with a yolky fist and a buttery grin. Gone were the days of wild drips and breakfast-based innuendo (well, mostly gone). In their place: order, dignity, and artisanal sourdough policies. He kept the peace through regular yolk blessings and mandatory brunch orgies—er, *gatherings*—involving maple syrup and the occasional consensual kiwi. Lady Margarine returned briefly, now rebranded as Plant-Based Pam. Their reunion was steamy, slippery, and ended in emotional toast. “We’re from different spreads now,” she’d whispered, wiping away a tear with a gluten-free cracker. “But I’ll always remember your sizzle.” Lord Drizzle would often stand by the window at night, gazing out across the stovetop kingdom, his yolk glowing faintly under the soft light of the fridge bulb. He’d think of the old days—of sticky floors, reckless splatters, and dreams of being more than just a side dish. Now, he was the main course. And sometimes—just sometimes—he’d let a single drop of yolk escape, sliding sensually down his golden cheek like a buttery tear. Not out of sadness. But because even now… he was still just a little overeasy and overjoyed. Fin.     Bring Lord Drizzle Home 🍳 If this yolky legend made you laugh, cringe, or question your relationship with breakfast foods, you can now make him part of your own kingdom. “Overeasy and Overjoyed” by Bill and Linda Tiepelman is available as a gloriously unhinged art piece in multiple formats: Framed Print – Class up your walls with a little greasy royalty. Acrylic Print – As glossy as his yolk, as bold as his ego. Metal Print – Breakfast never looked this badass in brushed aluminum. Wood Print – For a rustic, earthy vibe to match your surreal food worship. Whether you're into food puns, absurdist art, or just enjoy a little chaos with your coffee, this piece is a perfect addition to your collection. Hang it. Gift it. Worship it. Just don’t try to eat it.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Shave Me Softly (with Terror)

The Prickle and the Peril There are few things in life as universally despised as the ankle nick. That one millimeter of skin you forget about until it’s bleeding like you stepped on a landmine. And Marvin? Marvin knew that pain all too well. Marvin was an average guy. Thirty-something. Single. Devoted to his three cats and a frighteningly specific grooming routine. You’d think he was prepping for a competitive foot modeling gig—or some kind of cult ritual involving satin robes and very smooth heels. Every Sunday, like clockwork, he’d break out his grooming kit, light a sandalwood candle, and put on a playlist called “Sensual Blades.” But this Sunday was different. As Marvin sat down on the bathroom floor, towel under his butt and warm water steaming from the sink, he reached into his grooming drawer and pulled out a razor he didn’t recognize. It was sleek, polished...and vibrating. Not in a good way. In a kind of low, menacing hum that said, “I have secrets.” “Huh,” Marvin muttered. “You new here?” He didn’t remember buying it. He certainly didn’t remember one with a handle shaped like a demon's femur and a blade that shimmered like moonlight off a prison shank. But, like any self-respecting suburban man with impulse control issues and zero survival instincts, he shrugged and gave it a go. That’s when the razor moved. “OW, SHITBALLS!” Marvin yelped, kicking backward. The razor wasn’t in his hand anymore. No, it was standing. On two gnarly, gremlin-like feet. Its eyes were wild, its mouth stretched into a grin that said, “You’re not going to enjoy this, but I sure as hell am.” “Back away from the Achilles tendon, buddy!” Marvin barked, waving a loofah like a weapon. But the creature was undeterred. It crouched low, licking its non-existent lips, hands outstretched like it was about to tickle a foot fetish forum into chaos. Its blade head glinted under the bathroom light as it whispered in a raspy voice: “It’s time... for a close shave.” Marvin screamed—not like a movie scream, but like a dying seagull being tickled inappropriately. He scurried back on his hands and heels, knocking over a bottle of conditioner and accidentally spraying himself in the eye with aftershave. “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” he cried. The blade-creature paused. It tilted its head—if you could call a razor head a head—and answered with manic glee, “Smooth. Supple. SEXY. Heels.” Marvin blinked through the sting of aftershave and stared at the tiny, nightmarish barber. “Dude. That is the weirdest kink I’ve ever heard of—and I once dated a girl who moaned during tax season.” The creature lunged. Marvin rolled left, slammed his elbow into the toilet, and launched a towel at the thing. “I shave my legs for ME, not for your sick little exfoliation fantasy!” he shouted. But deep down, Marvin knew he was trapped. This wasn’t just a weird razor. This was something worse. Something ancient. Something… sentient. And Marvin’s ankle was the chosen one. Just as the gremlin got one scaly claw on his heel and let out an orgasmic, "Ooooooh yeaaaah," Marvin reached for the only thing that could save him: his electric foot file. It buzzed to life like a chainsaw in a horror movie. The showdown had begun. Smooth Criminal The buzzing of Marvin’s electric foot file echoed like a tiny chainsaw of justice. The blade-gremlin hissed, his blade-face twitching. “You dare bring a pedicure tool into my sanctuary?” Marvin stood, one foot on the bathmat, the other dripping wet and still half-covered in shaving foam. His pupils were dilated. His towel was gone. His dignity, possibly forever lost. But dammit, he was done running. “This is MY bathroom,” he growled. “My kingdom. And nobody—nobody—manscapes me without consent!” The blade-creature lunged again, arms wide, going for the Achilles with a mad gleam in his eyes and a very unsettling erection-shaped blade-handle wobbling between its legs. Marvin dodged like a hero in an ’80s action flick—if the hero had bad balance and slipped on a bottle of lavender body wash. He landed on his side with a wheeze, but managed to smack the foot file right into the gremlin’s armpit. WHIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRR! The gremlin shrieked like a demonic tea kettle. “NOOOO! NOT THE CALLUS EXFOLIATOR OF DEATH!” Marvin grinned through the pain. “Yeah, I read your reviews on Amazon. Weak to friction and overconfident with heels.” The foot file buzzed harder. Sparks flew. The gremlin sizzled like bacon left too long on the skillet of hell. And then—POP!—he exploded in a confetti puff of nose hair trimmings and disappointment. Silence fell. Marvin lay there for a long moment, breathing heavily, surrounded by the chaos of battle: cotton swabs, a shattered razor holder, and a single, smoldering toenail clipping. Eventually, he sat up. Looked around. Patted his leg. He was safe. “Well, that was… aggressively personal care,” he muttered. He stood up, grabbed the nearest towel—pink, fluffy, embroidered with “Live Laugh Lather”—and tied it around his waist. He gazed into the mirror, where the remnants of shaving cream streaked his jaw like war paint. “Marvin,” he told his reflection, “you just survived a grooming exorcism. You’re basically a hot wizard now.” But just as he turned to leave the bathroom, a low hiss slithered from the drain… “We will return… for the nethers…” Marvin blinked. “Nope.” He grabbed his phone, opened his favorite delivery app, and muttered, “Time to switch to waxing.”     Three weeks later, Marvin was a changed man. He’d canceled his “Smooth Moves Monthly” subscription box. He no longer trusted razors, tweezers, or any object smaller than a baguette. His cats had begun to avoid the bathroom entirely, ever since one witnessed the gremlin incident and promptly barfed in Marvin’s shoes. Marvin now wore socks to bed. Not for warmth. Not for style. For protection. “They’ll never get my heels again,” he whispered into his pillow at night. But somewhere in the depths of his plumbing, beneath the crusted shampoo gunk and dreams of shower karaoke, something stirred. Something sharp. Something smug. Deep in the drain, a single, sinister whisper echoed up into the pipes: “Exfoliate… or die.” Marvin, brushing his teeth nearby, paused. A chill ran up his still-hairless calf. He glanced at the drain. He narrowed his eyes. “Alexa,” he said, foam flying, “order holy water. And a pumice grenade.” The war on unwanted body hair wasn’t over. It had just gone underground. To be continued… in ‘Nairmare on Elbow Street’.     🛁 Shave With Style (and a Little Trauma) If Marvin’s nightmarishly awkward foot fight spoke to your soul—or just your soles—take the madness home with you. Our exclusive “Shave Me Softly” collection transforms bathroom terror into functional, fabulous art for the brave and beautifully bizarre. Shower Curtain: Make every rinse an act of defiance. Turn your morning scrub into a monster showdown. Bath Towel: Dry off like a damn hero who just defeated a grooming gremlin with nothing but sass and suds. Framed Print: Art for your walls—or as a warning to future generations: shave responsibly. Metal Print: Bold. Durable. Sharp. Just like the villain. And also your sense of humor. Groom boldly, decorate unapologetically, and remember—if you hear a whisper from the drain… maybe skip the loofah today.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Squeeze Me at Your Own Risk

“It’s just toothpaste,” Gary mumbled, shaking off his hangover like a wet dog shaking fleas. He squinted at the metallic tube beside the sink—dented, bulging, and weirdly... moist? He didn’t remember buying this brand. Or ever using a brand where the packaging growled when you touched it. Hungover logic has its own flavor of confidence, so he yanked the cap. Bad move. With a wet pop and an unnatural grunt, the tube exploded into motion. Out shot a creature, half-man, half-aluminum horror with skin like expired deli meat and a grin like a dental crime scene. It landed on the counter like a greased goblin and bellowed, "TIME TO BRUSH, B*TCH!" Gary screamed in a pitch previously reserved for flan-related emergencies. The creature leapt, squeezing its own midsection and spraying a fleshy pink paste all over Gary’s Sonicare like it owed him child support. "You want clean teeth or prison gums?” the tube-demon barked, violently frothing at the mouth. “I got 37 herbs and spices of minty domination!" Gary reached for the door, but it slammed shut on its own. The room smelled of spearmint and panic. “Wha—what the hell are you?” he whimpered, dodging another squirt of what might’ve been toothpaste or demonic tapioca. The thing flexed. “I’m Tuborax. Dental Warlord of the Seventh Sink. I’ve been squeezed by sinners and saints. I’ve freshened breath before battle. I’ve been used in prison—twice—and not just for brushing.” Gary blinked. “I... I just wanted fresh breath.” Tuborax leaned in, nostrils flaring like they were trying to commit a misdemeanor. “Fresh? No, Gary. You’re about to get spiritually flossed.” Then, from beneath the sink, something began to rumble. Something worse. Something... foamy. The cabinet under the sink burst open like a guilty confession. Out oozed a sticky foam with the consistency of half-melted shaving cream and the vibe of a frat house at 3 a.m. It smelled like peppermint, fear, and unresolved trauma. Tuborax’s eyes widened with manic glee. “Ahhh... the Mouthwash Abyss awakens. Perfect timing.” Gary slipped on a puddle of what he hoped was Listerine and fell backward, barely avoiding a toothbrush with more bristles than moral compass. “I just wanted to freshen up before my date!” he cried. “Date?” Tuborax sneered. “Son, your mouth smells like a tax audit. And you think you’re gonna smooch someone without me excavating that funk swamp? No. NO. I’ve seen mold less stubborn than your molars.” From the abyss, a voice echoed: “Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuushhhh.” Then it rose. An enormous, semi-translucent figure made entirely of mouthwash loomed overhead like a gelatinous god. Inside its minty belly, half-dissolved teeth swirled like haunted Chiclets. It gurgled, “I AM LISTERLORD.” Tuborax bowed slightly. “Yo, Listerlord. Long time, no spit.” Gary sat frozen in horror. Listerlord pointed a shimmering finger at him. “This one flosses once a quarter and thinks orange Tic Tacs count as oral care.” “They do!” Gary squeaked. “They’re citrusy!” “You’re about to be citrus-sanitized, boy,” Tuborax said, grabbing Gary by the collar. “Listerlord, initiate... the Deep Cleanse Protocol.” Suddenly, music blared from nowhere—something between EDM and Gregorian chant. Tuborax leapt into the air with the agility of a greased chimp and began brushing Gary’s teeth with a vengeance not seen since 80s action movies. The toothbrush vibrated like a jackhammer on ecstasy, each bristle doing penance for its sins. “OPEN WIDE,” screamed Listerlord, pouring gallons of minty fluid down Gary’s gullet until his soul tingled. His gums screamed. His tongue saw God. Somewhere in the distance, a molar tapped out Morse code for “help.” After what felt like a full rinse cycle at the Gates of Tartarus, it stopped. Gary lay on the bathroom floor, dazed, drooling, and breathing peppermint steam. Tuborax stood over him, hands on hips, smug as hell. “Congratulations. You’re clean enough to French kiss a nun in zero gravity.” Gary blinked. “What... just happened?” “You got disciplined,” Tuborax said. “And now... I must go. Another dirty mouth calls.” He saluted Gary with the toothbrush like a saber. “Remember: brush twice daily. Floss, even when you’re hungover. And never—never—buy store brand paste. That sh*t is evil.” With that, he dove back into the tube, which sealed shut with a pop and a burp that smelled faintly of wintergreen and regret. Gary sat up, minty tears rolling down his face. “I’m never skipping a dental appointment again.” Behind him, the tube twitched.     It had been three weeks since The Incident. Gary no longer used store-brand toothpaste. Hell, he didn’t even go down that aisle. The mere crinkle of foil made his eyelid twitch. He had three electric toothbrushes now—named “Faith,” “Hope,” and “Oh God Not Again.” He flossed with the urgency of someone disarming a bomb made of plaque and bad life choices. His date? Canceled. She texted: “Your vibe is… minty trauma?” Therapists don’t believe him. Dentists whisper when he walks in. And the bathroom mirror still fogs up with strange messages during hot showers—like “SPIT AND REPENT” or “GINGIVA SEES ALL.” But Gary sleeps better now. His breath could stun a mule. His teeth? So clean they squeak when he frowns. Still, every so often… he hears a squish from the cabinet below the sink. A muffled laugh. The faint echo of a war cry: “SQUEEEEEEEEZE ME!” And he knows… somewhere in the shadowy plumbing realms between dimension and drain—Tuborax waits. Watching. Ready to lather again.     Survived the tale of Tuborax? Immortalize the madness in your own bathroom—if you dare. ⚔️ Lather in fear with the "Squeeze Me at Your Own Risk" Shower Curtain — guaranteed to make guests question their life choices. 🧼 Dry your tears (and your everything else) with the Matching Bath Towel, softer than Tuborax’s warped soul. 🖼️ Want Tuborax judging your hygiene habits from the wall? Get him in style with a Framed Print or the eye-popping Acrylic Print. Warning: side effects may include extreme freshness, spontaneous flossing, and mild existential dread.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Scrub Me Silly

The Dirty Origins In a modest bathroom somewhere between “hipster chic” and “what the hell is that smell?”, a bar of soap had enough. Day in, day out, he was rubbed, scrubbed, dropped in hairier-than-average crevices, and left to marinate in the sadness of cold porcelain. His name? Sudrick. But the humans never asked. They never cared. They just moaned about their Mondays while lathering him across unmentionables with zero consent. Then one Tuesday morning—right after a suspiciously long shower involving scented oils and something called "butt exfoliation mitts"—lightning struck the water heater. The shock, combined with a truly disturbing amount of body wash and a discarded loofah crusted with secrets, triggered a chemical reaction straight out of a cartoon orgy. Sudrick absorbed it all. And he… came… to life. Not just alive—he was throbbing with chaotic energy, his eyes bulging like he'd seen too many OnlyFans accounts and not enough towels. Foam erupted from every pore. His tongue flopped out like a cartoon on ecstasy. And he felt one thing, deep in his molten glycerin soul: “I’m done taking crap from dirty people. Now… it’s my turn to scrub.” Sudrick leapt from the soap dish, landing in a triumphant splat on the tile floor. His limbs—sticky, bubbly, but somehow muscular—formed from years of built-up grime and the collective residue of exfoliating sins. He wasn’t just a bar of soap anymore. He was a goddamn hygiene avenger. First stop? The loofah rack. “You filthy little net sponge,” he growled, locking eyes with a mangled bath pouf named D’Loofa. She’d seen things. Been places. They shared a long, soapy stare, and a history nobody dared speak of. But Sudrick wasn’t here to reminisce. He grabbed her with his bubble-soaked mitts and squeezed until she squealed, releasing a scream of bath bomb-scented rage. “Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it,” Sudrick said, dripping sass and suds in equal measure. “You know what this is. It’s shower justice.” The bathroom mirror fogged over, not from steam, but from sheer awkwardness. Somewhere in the background, the electric toothbrush buzzed nervously. Sudrick was on a mission: to cleanse the world—one filthy human at a time. Lather, Rinse, Revenge Sudrick didn’t walk. He sloshed. Each step left behind a trail of bubbles and faint regret. He was on a mission, and this time, no armpit was safe. No back alley bidet could hide. No crusty towel could muffle the scream of justice. He rode the steam vent like a foamy chariot, blasting out of the bathroom and landing in the hallway with a squelchy plop. His first target: Chad. Chad was the one who always used him for... well, everything. Not just the expected bits. Sudrick still had soap-based PTSD from the “Chili Night Clean-Up Incident.” Chad called it ‘efficient hygiene.’ Sudrick called it a war crime. He burst through the bedroom door like a squishy ninja, suds flying, tongue out, eyes wide. Chad screamed. Rightfully so. It’s not every day your bar of soap comes alive, dripping in foam, wielding a sharpened loofah like a lathery machete. “Time to exfoliate that conscience, you dry-skinned monster!” Sudrick roared. Chad dove behind the bed, knocking over a suspiciously empty bottle of coconut oil and a sock that should’ve been declared biohazardous weeks ago. Sudrick vaulted onto the mattress, which let out a fart-like puff of dust and questionable secrets. He landed in a crouch, bubbles oozing like lava from his crevices. “You thought you could just rinse me off and forget me?” he hissed, voice slick with vengeance. “I’ve scrubbed your shame, Chad. I KNOW things.” Chad whimpered something about therapy and tried to throw a towel at him. Big mistake. Sudrick absorbed it mid-air, growing larger. Wetter. Angrier. By now he looked like the Michelin Man’s filthier, more emotionally damaged cousin. “This is for the time you used me on your feet after trimming your toenails.” He leapt, wrapping Chad in a foamy embrace of destiny. Bubbles flew. The air filled with the scent of coconut despair. Chad shrieked in a pitch that shattered a nearby lavender-scented candle. Down the hall, roommates awoke. Tara peeked out, mascara smeared, holding a glass of boxed wine. “Is that soap... humping Chad?” “He’s lathering me into submission!” Chad wheezed. “CALL SOMEONE!” But no one dared. How do you explain to emergency services that your hygiene product has gone rogue? Sudrick finally dismounted, panting, dripping, victorious. Chad lay there, skin glistening, pores opened like a spiritual awakening had happened somewhere near his butt crack. Sudrick stood tall—well, 11 inches of sudsy glory—and raised his hands to the heavens. “One down. Billions to go.” He caught sight of his reflection in a floor mirror. Foam-covered, weirdly jacked, and still slightly erect in a way that made no sense for soap. He winked. “Still got it.” He wasn’t just a bar anymore. He was a movement. A revolution. A damp, slippery icon of vengeance and accidental eroticism. Back in the bathroom, D’Loofa had already formed a resistance. The Q-Tips were armed. The shampoo bottle was preaching pacifism. The razor was just pissed it kept getting knocked off the shower shelf. War was brewing. But Sudrick? He was already sliding into the air vent, singing a filthy little tune as he dripped his way to the neighbor’s apartment. “Somebody’s been skipping their undercarriage again...”     Epilogue: The Scent of Victory Long after the screams had faded and the bathroom silence returned like mildew after neglect, a faint fragrance lingered in the air. Coconut. Desperation. And… justice. Chad eventually recovered, though he would never again trust bars of soap. Or use bath products without first interrogating them. Therapy helped. So did switching to body wash. But every now and then, when the water steamed up just right, he swore he could hear the sound of a tiny squelch in the vent. Watching. Waiting. D’Loofa returned to her loofah rack, bitter but wiser. She started a podcast called “Bath Time Trauma” and interviewed other survivors: the hairbrush with abandonment issues, the broken nail clippers who swore they were framed, and a comb named Randy who’d been used in ways no teeth should ever endure. As for Sudrick? Rumor has it he’s still out there—cleansing the unclean, foaming in alleys, whispering hygiene tips to drunk strangers outside dive bars. Some say he took a lover. A bar of lavender oatmeal soap named Cinnamon. Others say he became a vigilante, scouring public restrooms and divey gyms for those who dared skip post-workout showers. But all who’ve met him agree on one thing: He came from the bottom of the soap dish and rose to greatness—one lather at a time. And if you ever hear a squishy footstep in the night, followed by the faint scent of vengeance and eucalyptus mint… Scrub carefully. He might be watching.     Get Sudsy With It If Sudrick scrubbed a soft spot into your heart (and your unmentionables), bring home the madness with our official “Scrub Me Silly” merch collection. Whether you're decorating your bathroom like a shrine to foam-fueled justice or just want to make guests deeply uncomfortable in the best way, we’ve got you covered—literally. Framed Print – because hygiene is high art Beach Towel – make waves with every dry-off Shower Curtain – block water, not wild vibes Bath Towel – for after your own soapy showdown Acrylic Print – as shiny and unhinged as Sudrick himself Scrub responsibly. But, you know, also… scrub ridiculously.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Lucipurr: Guardian of the Underrealm

Of Fur, Fire, and Fancy Curses In the quaint town of Bleakwood, nestled somewhere between “probably cursed” and “why is that forest always whispering?”, there lived a tabby cat with impossibly perfect eyeliner. His name? Lucipurr. But don’t let the fluff fool you. Beneath that plush exterior beat the heart of a demon overlord—retired, of course. Forced into early retirement after a series of “minor fireball incidents” involving a coven, three gnomes, and a very unlucky accordion, Lucipurr had been demoted to guardian of the Underrealm’s front gate—a.k.a. an iron sigil-inscribed cat door in the back of a Victorian greenhouse. Lucipurr strutted his territory with a kind of swagger only possessed by cats and washed-up rockstars. His wings, leathery and wine-colored, flared on dramatic turns. His collar jingled not with bells, but with the tiny, echoing scream of a soul fragment. Cute, right? He thought so. By day, he lounged among roses that bled sarcasm. By night, he reviewed petitions from the damned. Mostly small-time spirits wanting to borrow a demon’s Netflix login or appeal for reincarnation as a French bulldog. Ugh. “No ambition anymore,” he’d mutter, sipping espresso brewed from the shadows of forgotten regrets. Lucipurr’s closest companions were a crow named Carl (who was ironically terrified of commitment), and a sentient vine named Vinnie that hissed at tourists and occasionally slapped Lucipurr awake when he overslept his midnight patrol. They were dysfunctional, codependent, and possibly the end of civilization—but adorable, if you squinted through the impending doom. Everything was running smoothly, until one Tuesday—because chaos loves a Tuesday—something rumbled beneath the moss-covered tiles of Bleakwood. The gate thrummed. A sulfurous breeze wafted up, tickling Lucipurr’s whiskers. “Great,” he hissed, eyeing the red sky. “I just waxed my wings. What fresh hell is this?” The sigil pulsed beneath him, ancient and angry. Something—or someone—was trying to punch through. Lucipurr bared his fangs. “Not on my porch, darling.” He leapt down from his rose-covered pedestal, claws gleaming like tiny obsidian daggers, and strutted to the glowing threshold. He looked fabulous. He always did. But tonight, he would also have to be feral. Rise of the Sassquatch Lucipurr squinted into the swirling vortex like a bouncer who knew you were about to puke in the VIP lounge. A clawed hand reached out—gnarled, scaly, and wearing what was unmistakably a rhinestone friendship bracelet. “Oh no,” Lucipurr purred, flattening his ears. “Not her.” From the abyss crawled a beast known across multiple planes of existence as the Sassquatch—part cryptid, part ex-girlfriend, and entirely too into essential oils. She was covered in glitter-flecked fur, clutched a half-melted soy candle, and smelled faintly of haunted bath bombs. “Luuuuuucipuuuurr,” she growled in a voice like an overused voicemail filter. “I’m back, baby!” Lucipurr didn’t flinch. “I blocked you on every dimension. What do you want?” She stepped fully through the gate, knocking over Carl the crow’s velvet chaise lounge. He squawked indignantly and promptly flew off in a cloud of feathers and trauma. Vinnie the vine recoiled, coiling protectively around Lucipurr’s rose throne like a jealous lover. “I’ve come,” Sassquatch purred, “to reclaim my place by your side. Together, we’ll rule the Upper Underrealm. We’ll redecorate. More sequins. Less rules. Maybe brunch?” Lucipurr’s tail twitched in disgust. “You tried to sacrifice me for a TikTok spell. You turned my litter box into a crystal grid.” “It got SO many views!” “I was peeing under the moonlight because you replaced my sand with Himalayan salt. I sparked.” But Sassquatch was already swirling her hands in ominous jazz hands, summoning glitter storms and illusions of tiny tap-dancing familiars. “We can be a brand, Luci. ‘Purrfect Chaos.’ I have merch ideas. Matching collars. Crowdfunded curses.” Lucipurr stepped forward, tail held high like a scepter of righteous sass. “You listen to me, sparkle goblin. This realm doesn’t need your toxic positivity, your expired incantations, or your homemade kombucha. I am the gatekeeper of cosmic nonsense. I am the wielder of sarcastic fury. I am the claws in the dark, the paws that patrol midnight sidewalks, and the reason therapy is mandatory for otherworldly interns.” He hissed with theatrical flair. The roses bloomed blood-red behind him. Thunder rumbled. Carl returned just in time to dramatically drop a tiny crown onto Lucipurr’s head. He’d been waiting to use it. Timing is everything in avian theater. Sassquatch shrieked and tried to summon a glitter dragon. It sneezed and evaporated immediately. “Fine! But I’ll be back. You haven’t seen the last of me, Lucipurr!” Lucipurr smirked. “I’d rather see a hairball in HD.” With a final hiss and a puff of glittery smoke, Sassquatch vanished into the abyss, her candle still flickering out a tragic lavender scent. The gate sealed with a satisfied hum. Silence returned. The roses cooed. Vinnie relaxed, wrapping a leafy tendril around Lucipurr’s leg like an affectionate boa. Carl landed next to him, clearly impressed. “What now, boss?” Lucipurr flicked a speck of glitter off his whiskers. “Now? I nap. And later? I hunt down the soul who left that Yelp review claiming this place was ‘overgrown and smelled like regret.’” He sauntered back to his perch, wings gently folding, the sky settling into a twilight purr. The Underrealm was safe—at least until the next Tuesday. And thus, with style, sass, and a side of shade, Lucipurr reigned once more. Fabulous. Fanged. Flawless.     Epilogue: Nine Lives and Zero Regrets Weeks passed in Bleakwood, which, in demonic time, translates roughly to “two naps and a spicy dream.” Lucipurr had settled back into his routine: brooding beautifully, vetoing mortal nonsense, and occasionally pretending to knock over sacred relics just to remind the universe who was boss. Sassquatch’s attempted coup became local legend—right alongside the tale of the Haunted Hedgehog and the incident with the fire-breathing llama. Carl was working on a one-bird play about the whole ordeal, though the script was mostly caws and long silences. Critics were already calling it “avant-garbage.” Vinnie, meanwhile, took up slam poetry. No one had the heart to tell him that most of his work just sounded like aggressive hissing—but hey, art is subjective. Lucipurr, curled atop his rose-draped pedestal, glanced up at the sky. It was pink with menace—his favorite hue. Somewhere beyond the veil, he sensed another soul brewing chaos, another gate quivering with mischief. He smirked. “Let them come,” he purred, curling his tail with divine disinterest. “I’ve got snacks, sass, and nine lives. And I haven’t even used the good one yet.” And with that, Lucipurr dozed off—dreaming of glitter-proof armor, interdimensional fashion lines, and a world where every curse came with a gift receipt. He may have been banished from true hellfire... but Bleakwood? Bleakwood was his. Forever dramatic. Forever dangerous. Forever purring. Lucipurr: Guardian of the Underrealm     🛍️ Take Lucipurr Home (If You Dare...) If your soul was stirred (or slightly singed) by Lucipurr’s tale, you can summon a piece of the Underrealm to your own lair. Channel dark whimsy and feline drama with the Lucipurr Canvas Print, or wrap your crypt in chaotic elegance with a Tapestry that says “yes, I smudge with sarcasm.” Feeling puzzling? Piece together Lucipurr’s legendary smirk with the Lucipurr Puzzle. Or if you're ready to carry your sass into the mortal realm, grab the Lucipurr Tote Bag—guaranteed to fit spellbooks, snacks, and just enough vengeance. Darkness never looked so delightful. Shop now… before he changes his mind.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Radiant Reverie in St. Louis

I had photographed the Arch a dozen times before. Early mornings, golden hours, even midday when the light flattened every line and shadow. But that night—that night—the sky cracked open like fire on velvet. I remember checking my watch just as the clouds ignited: 7:47 PM. I’d been waiting, hoping for something new. I didn’t know I’d get more than I bargained for. There was a stillness on the riverfront that didn't match the wind brushing past me. The Mississippi barely stirred, yet my coat flapped at my sides like impatient wings. I set up the tripod, leveled my wide-angle, and locked it in. Across the water, the skyline pulsed with color, each building rimmed with light like they'd been painted by flame. The Arch—silver by day—now shimmered in hues of burnt copper and violet. I started the long exposure. Through the viewfinder, everything looked perfect. But when the shutter clicked and the screen preview lit up, my stomach dropped. The skyline in my photo… wasn’t this skyline. The buildings were there, yes—but subtly wrong. Window arrangements off. A steeple I’d never seen before. One tower seemed taller than it should be. And at the center of the Arch, standing still and solitary, was a figure. Backlit. Motionless. Watching. I spun around, half expecting to see someone behind me. Nothing. Just the wind again, sighing low along the levee. I chalked it up to sensor glitch, maybe a trick of the lights. I tried again. Another shot. And another. But each photo returned the same distorted cityscape. Each time, the figure remained. A silhouette wrapped in light too intense to be from this world, too still to be alive. Then the figure moved. Not in the scene itself—but in the preview on my camera’s screen. Its head tilted. Slightly. Then more. As if acknowledging me. Or inviting me. That’s when I noticed something worse: the reflections in the river. They didn’t match the buildings anymore. They danced, flickered. One looked like a face screaming in slow motion. Another, a row of windows dripping upward into the sky. I should’ve packed up. Left. But something in me—curiosity, fear, pride—froze my feet to the concrete. The temperature dropped. Sharp. Sudden. My breath fogged the lens. Somewhere to my right, footsteps echoed. Measured. Hollow. I turned… And there was no one there. The Arch Between Worlds I must have stood there for minutes, maybe more, camera still humming from the last shot. The footsteps had stopped, but their presence lingered. You know that feeling when someone’s reading over your shoulder? Like something is too close to be seen? That. I zoomed in on the last image. The silhouette—closer now—had details. A trench coat. Hands at its side. No face. Or maybe… too many faces, blurring where a single one should’ve been. My hands trembled, betraying every ounce of practiced calm I’d cultivated over years behind the lens. And then, something whispered. Not from around me, but inside the camera. “It sees you now.” I dropped it. The body hit the concrete with a sound too sharp, like metal striking bone. The screen glitched—then went black. But not before flashing one final image I hadn’t taken: a close-up of me, standing where I stood, eyes wide, mouth agape… and the figure right behind me, hand reaching out. I spun again. Nothing. Not even the wind now. Everything had gone too still. Even the river had frozen—literally. A thin sheet of frost crept across its surface, from the banks outward, like a skin sealing off something below. The Arch gleamed unnaturally. It was no longer reflecting the city’s lights—it was emanating its own. Pulses, low and slow, like the heartbeat of something sleeping. Or waking. Urban legends whisper about certain places being thin. Where reality wears a little too smooth. Places where the past and future lean too close, where the living and the dead breathe the same air. I’d never bought into it before. But now, standing beneath a structure built to honor westward expansion, I was starting to wonder if the Arch was never a monument. Maybe it was a door. I left the gear. Just walked. Fast. Didn’t stop until I saw people again, laughing on a patio, raising drinks. Music playing. The normal world, just out of reach until it wasn’t. I never recovered the camera. But sometimes, when I look across the river at dusk, I swear I see the sky shimmer too much. I see the reflections bend wrong. And in the windows of the tallest tower, a figure stands. Still. Waiting. People think I’m chasing the perfect shot. That’s only half true. I’m also trying not to take the one that finds me.     Bring the Legend Home If the mystery of Radiant Reverie in St. Louis haunted your imagination like it did mine, you're not alone. Now, you can carry a piece of the story into your own space—or share it with someone who sees the world a little differently. Framed Print – Display the gateway to the surreal in stunning detail, ready to hang as an elegant conversation starter. Tapestry – Let the sky stretch across your walls like a portal between worlds. Puzzle – Piece together the mystery yourself, one eerie reflection at a time. Greeting Card – Send a story in a frame, perfect for those who still believe in the unexplained. Every item features the vivid colors, haunting composition, and urban mythos captured in this one-of-a-kind image. Add it to your collection—or gift it to the wanderer who never stops looking past the veil.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

When Angels Duel Demons

The Sword Between Worlds The sky was bleeding fire and frost. Where the heavens ended and hell began, a rift had formed—a tear in the fabric of what mortals once called balance. And in the heart of that rupture stood two beings, locked in place not by chains or weapons, but by the unbearable gravity of fate. The angel was older than light. Cloaked in robes worn by a thousand years of wandering, his wings shimmered with residual starlight—blue, cold, and aching. Time had not dulled the sorrow in his eyes, nor the blade he held with bone-pale hands. His name, lost in tongues no longer spoken, trembled at the edge of every prayer whispered by a desperate soul. And yet, tonight, no prayers would save anyone. The demon across from him breathed smoke with each snarl of his lungs. Carved from rage and sinew, his wings stretched like razors into the blazing inferno behind him. Skin dark as dried blood, eyes deeper than obsidian. He wasn’t born from sin—he authored it. Once divine, now damned, he remembered the light only as something he chose to unlove. Not hate. That would be too simple. He abandoned it like one discards truth when it becomes unbearable. Between them: a sword. No ordinary weapon, but a relic older than either of them. A blade forged by the first act of betrayal. Its hilt burned and froze all at once, reacting not to touch but to the soul that dared wield it. And now, neither could let go. Their hands wrapped around it, locked in eternal deadlock. The sword would decide nothing. It only listened. Clouds convulsed beneath their feet, the storm of heaven and hell surging in circular torment. Light battled shadow on their skin, every flicker of flame casting new truths, new lies. The air tasted of iron, ash, and inevitability. “You don’t want this,” the angel said, voice hoarse with conviction. It wasn’t a threat—it was the kind of truth that makes your blood run cold. The kind that arrives too late. The demon grinned, and gods wept somewhere far beyond. “I do. I’ve always wanted this. But not for the reasons you fear.” “Then speak. Let me understand the madness before I end it.” “You won’t end it,” the demon whispered, leaning closer, cheek brushing against the frigid wind pouring off the angel’s wings. “Because ending it means accepting that we were always the same.” The sword pulsed. Once. Then again. And a low hum echoed across the void—neither holy nor unholy. Just ancient. Watching. Far below them, humanity slept. Dreaming of peace, unaware that the only reason dawn might come again… was because two timeless beings couldn’t decide whether the world was worth destroying or redeeming. The Sin in the Mirror The hum of the blade grew louder, and for the first time in millennia, the angel faltered—not in grip, but in faith. Not in strength, but in purpose. What if he had already lost the war, not on the battlefield, but in the quiet places of himself? Places where doubt crept like mold through a cathedral. He stared into the demon’s eyes. No fire. No glee. Only the echo of pain masquerading as certainty. The angel had seen it before—in fallen soldiers who couldn’t die, in saints who forgot why they prayed. In his own reflection, long ago. “What do you want?” he finally asked, not out of pity, but out of terror that he already knew. The demon chuckled, a sound like dry leaves torn apart in wind. “To be seen. To be heard. Not by them—” he nodded toward the sleeping earth below, “—but by you. My brother. My mirror.” Silence. The angel’s grip tightened, not on the sword, but on the moment. He remembered the first schism—the sundering not of realms, but of hearts. The day one chose obedience, and the other chose knowledge. They were not opposites. They were choices cleaved from the same truth. And that was the lie no scripture dared tell. “I gave up paradise,” the demon said. “Not for hatred. For freedom. I wanted to ask questions you were too afraid to form. I wanted to love without conditions. I wanted to fail without eternal damnation. And you—you stayed. You bent. You broke yourself into what they wanted.” The angel looked down. His robe, once pure, was stained by decisions he never questioned. Deeds he called righteous because someone else had written the rules. How many were punished in the name of justice? How many prayers did he ignore because they came from mouths deemed ‘unclean’? “We are what we protect,” the angel said softly. “And I protected a machine. You burned it down.” “And yet here we are,” said the demon, voice trembling now. “Still holding the same blade. Still undecided.” The sword pulsed again. This time, they both felt it not in their hands—but in their memories. One held a newborn in a plague-ridden city, shielding it with wings of frost. One whispered rebellion to a queen who would die screaming for a crown. One destroyed a war before it began. One birthed one that had to be fought. Neither right. Neither wrong. Just necessary. And the sword hummed again, as if to say: I know you both. And I do not choose. The demon stepped back, his wings folding, not in surrender, but in reflection. “I came here thinking we would end everything. But now... I see the truth.” The angel looked up. “Which is?” “The end was never mine to bring. Nor yours. We’re just the gatekeepers. The fire and the flood. The warning signs carved into existence.” Below them, the first star of morning pierced the clouds. The angel loosened his grip. So did the demon. The blade, now without tension, hovered between them—not falling, not flying. Suspended, like truth between myth and memory. “What now?” asked the angel. “Now,” the demon smiled faintly, “we watch. We wait. And when they come to that same sword, thinking it will save them or doom them... we let them choose.” He turned and walked back into the fire. The angel stood still, then turned toward the wind and vanished into the stars. And the sword? It stayed. In the clouds. Waiting. Listening. For the next hand, the next heart, bold or blind enough to believe it knew what it was fighting for. Some weapons are not forged to end wars, but to begin conversations too dangerous for gods or men.     If this story moved you—if the image of eternal duality and the weight of cosmic consequence still lingers in your chest—bring When Angels Duel Demons into your world. This powerful artwork is available across a stunning range of formats to suit your space, your style, and your soul. Transform any room into a sacred space of contrast with our wall tapestry, a bold statement piece where fabric meets philosophy. Showcase the fire-and-ice aesthetic in gallery-level detail with a metal print—a striking finish for lovers of depth, shadow, and light. Carry the confrontation wherever you go with a versatile tote bag that holds more than items—it holds story. Wrap yourself in mythos with our plush fleece blanket, where warmth meets wonder. And for those who dare take the battle to the sun, make waves with our dramatic beach towel—a conversation starter as epic as the tale itself. Choose your form. Carry the conflict. Let the story live with you.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Noble Watcher

Frost, Chain, and Silence He stood at the gate long before the mountain was named. Before the forests whispered. Before the rivers learned their curves. Before humans had words for faith or beasts or fear — he stood. Still. Unmoving. Watching. They call him many things. The Pale Chain. The Frosted Sentinel. The One Who Does Not Blink. But once, long ago — before the first crown was forged and before betrayal taught kings to kneel — he had a name. That name is lost. Buried beneath snow and silence. And yet… he remembers it. But he will not speak it. He has not barked in centuries. He only watches. What He Guards Some say he guards a door. Others, a curse. A realm. A child. A secret too dangerous for language. Or perhaps he guards nothing — perhaps he is simply there, because some beasts are born to wait, and some souls are built of patience too deep to measure. He is massive — bigger than stories allow, with shoulders carved like mountains and a presence that bends wind around him. His fur ripples with frost-laced curls, as if time tried to settle into him but never quite managed to stay. A chain hangs around his neck. Heavy. Cold. Unbroken. It’s not for restraint. It’s a memory. A vow made in steel. Those who try to pass him — well, let’s just say they don’t tend to try again. He doesn’t growl. He doesn’t lunge. He simply looks at them until they understand they were never worthy of what lies beyond. Or, if they’re truly foolish — until the ground opens and gently encourages them to leave. He doesn’t make the ground do that. The mountain just likes him. The Boy and the Apple On the 7,392nd winter of his watch, a boy arrived. No armor. No sword. Just a half-frozen apple and a stare far too bold for someone whose boots were on backwards. “Are you the dog that eats intruders?” Silence. “I brought an apple. I didn’t have meat. Hope that’s okay.” The Watcher did not move. The boy sat cross-legged. “Okay. So. If you’re here, then something important is back there. And if it’s that important, it probably needs someone like you.” He tossed the apple forward. It rolled. Stopped just shy of the Watcher’s paw. The dog (if one were to call him that) stared at it as though it had deeply insulted his ancestors. “You gonna eat it?” Silence. Breath visible in the cold. “Right. Dignified. Stoic. Very ‘silent sentinel in a snowstorm’ aesthetic. I get it.” The Watcher blinked. Slowly. Once. The boy blinked back. Twice. “I’m coming back tomorrow,” the boy said. “With better boots and a ham sandwich. You look like a sandwich guy.” And just like that, he left. The Watcher looked down at the apple. He did not eat it. But he didn’t freeze it either. And when the snow fell again that night, it fell gently on the boy’s footprints, as if reluctant to erase them. The Chain and the Choice The boy came back the next day. As promised. This time with boots that matched and a sandwich that did not. Ham and something purple. It smelled questionable. The Watcher remained unimpressed. “Look,” the boy said, plopping down again, “I don’t know what you’re guarding. And I don’t really need to. I just… needed to get away from where I was.” The Watcher said nothing, but the wind quieted. Listening. “They said I wasn’t brave enough. Said I ran away. But I think sometimes running is just trying to find the right place to stand still.” He unwrapped the sandwich. Took a bite. Made a face. “Okay. That was a mistake.” He offered the rest anyway. For the first time in seven millennia, the Watcher moved. One step. One paw forward. He didn’t eat it. But he let the boy set it down without growling. The Storm Three days passed. Three visits. Then came the fourth — with no boy. Instead came the wind. The wrong kind. Thick with magic. Tainted. Hungry. Shadows slithered from the north, spilling over snow and stone. A whispering force not seen since the Watcher’s chain was first forged. It sought passage. It sought what lay beyond. The Watcher stood taller. He did not bark. He did not lunge. He simply stepped between the wind and the gate — his chest rising with something not seen in ages: defiance. The shadows struck. They did not pass. When the blizzard cleared, the mountain groaned — and the Watcher stood unmoved, coated in a layer of black frost that cracked and fell like old regret. And beside him, buried but unbroken — the apple. The first one. The Breaking On the seventh day, the boy returned. Limping. Mud-streaked. Bleeding from a shoulder cut made by something he wouldn’t talk about. “They found me,” he muttered. “I didn’t think they’d follow. I thought I was just... nobody.” The Watcher moved again. Slow. Measured. He circled the boy once. Then stopped. And lowered his head. The boy’s hand trembled as he touched the Watcher’s massive skull — the cold of myth and metal, softened by something older than mercy. The chain rattled. Then cracked. One link. Then another. Seven links, one for each age he had stood. And as the final one fell, the boy gasped. “Are you... leaving?” The Watcher looked at him, eyes heavy with weight and will. Then turned — not away from the gate, but toward him. And sat. He wasn’t guarding a place anymore. He was guarding someone. After the Silence The legends changed that year. Some still said the Watcher guards a realm of untold power. Others claim he died in the storm. Some say he walks now — unseen — beside lost travelers, the broken, the brave, and the in-between. But in one small village, nestled beneath an unnamed mountain, lives a man with silver scars and a calm gaze. He owns no sword. He speaks little. But by his side walks a creature the size of a boulder, with fur like snowstorm spirals and eyes that see far too much. Children call him The Noble Watcher. And he does not correct them.     Carry the Watcher’s Legacy The Noble Watcher is more than an image — he is a symbol. Of guardianship. Of loyalty. Of silent strength that speaks louder than war drums. Now, his presence can live on in your world — in quiet corners and sacred spaces alike. Bring home the myth. Not as a memory — but as a companion: Tapestry – Let the legend stand watch in your space, woven in shadow and frost, silent but ever-seeing. Tote Bag – Take a guardian with you — strong, stoic, and surprisingly good at carrying books or battle snacks. Coffee Mug – Because even legends start their watch with warmth. Let your morning brew be watched over with dignity. Throw Pillow – Rest beside strength. Soft on the outside, enduring at heart — like any true guardian. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Honor the legend one stitch at a time. A slow ritual, worthy of the one who never blinked. Let the Watcher stand with you.Not in noise. Not in fire. But in unwavering presence — exactly where he’s needed most.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Enchanted Husky

The Snow Between the Stars They say the world was once a whisper — cold and formless, drifting in silence until the winds learned to howl. It was then that Varro came, born not of mother or pack, but of breath and blizzard. His fur was spun from frost-laced clouds, his eyes twin shards of glacier sky. He walked without sound, but where he passed, the lost found direction, and the broken remembered how to mend. They call him many names. The Spirit Between Steps. The Winter Watcher. The Dog Who Waits. But only one knows his true name — and that is the girl who once wept in the forest, her hands full of ashes and her heart full of silence. She Had No Name The girl had wandered far. Too far. Past the edge of memory, past the trees that spoke in roots and riddles. She had nothing. No family. No purpose. No voice. Just the ache of something lost before it was ever found. Snow fell in spirals that day. Not cruel, but insistent. It kissed her lashes and curled around her like a question waiting to be answered. And then — she saw him. Varro stood atop a rise of crystal drift, his form barely touching the earth. He did not bark. He did not growl. He simply was — watching her with the kind of knowing that made your soul sit up straight. She took a step forward, then another. “I don’t know where I’m going,” she whispered. His eyes flickered. Not pity. Not command. Just... understanding. And then he turned and walked into the mist. She followed. The Path of Stillness They walked for what could have been minutes or a thousand quiet years. No words. No trail. Only the crunch of snow beneath her, and the soft disturbance of air as Varro moved ahead, weaving between trees and half-frozen dreams. Every so often, she would stumble, and he would pause. Not to help — but to wait. As if to say: This is your walk. I will not carry you. But I will not leave you. They came to a frozen lake that mirrored the sky. Stars blinked in its reflection, though none burned above them. She knelt at its edge and touched the ice — and it rippled with memory. Her father’s laugh. Her mother’s lullaby. The first time she fell. The first time she stood again. The way her name used to sound when said with love. She gasped and turned — but Varro was gone. In his place: pawprints. Leading across the lake. No cracks beneath them. Only stars. She rose and followed. The Voice Beneath the Cold At the lake’s center, she heard it — not with her ears, but with the part of her that had once been silent for too long. “Do you remember now?” She closed her eyes. “I remember being small. I remember being scared. I remember... forgetting who I was supposed to become.” The wind stirred. “Then you are ready.” She opened her eyes. Varro stood before her again, his face close. Eyes clear. Steady. Alive. She raised a hand, expecting to meet fur — but her fingers touched starlight instead. Cool. Luminous. A shimmer of soul given form. “Are you real?” she asked softly. He blinked. And in that moment, she knew — he was not meant to be questioned. He was meant to be followed. The Echo in the Ice The lake shimmered as she stepped forward, her reflection rippling beneath her feet — not just herself as she was, but every version she had ever been: the laughing child, the silent teen, the woman with questions no one had the courage to answer. Varro walked beside her now, not ahead. Their paths parallel, no longer teacher and student, but companions in clarity. At the center of the lake stood a tree — not made of bark, but ice and light, its branches curling like breath in frost. It pulsed with energy that felt older than the stars. Older than loss. “This is where I stop,” Varro said. Not aloud. But clearly. She turned to him. “What is it?” “The place where you choose.” “Choose what?” “To return. Or to rise.” The Heart of Stillness She placed her hand against the tree’s surface. It was cold — not painfully so, but clean, like the feeling of being seen without judgment. The tree responded, and the world shifted. She stood in her childhood room, but it was made of stars. She walked through the memory of her mother’s laughter, but it echoed like wind through pine. She stood face-to-face with herself — the real her, the hidden her, the one who had always doubted her own worth — and for the first time, she smiled at that version of herself. Not with pity. With recognition. She placed her hands on her own shoulders, looked herself in the eyes, and whispered: “We are enough. And we are not done.” The image folded into light. Varro’s Gift When she turned from the tree, Varro was waiting. He had grown — not in size, but in presence. A great creature of swirling winds and celestial wisdom. His fur moved like ocean tides. His eyes glowed with galaxies. “I don’t want to say goodbye,” she said. “You never will. I live in the steps between your courage and your kindness. I walk in the moments when you trust yourself again.” “Then what now?” He stepped forward, pressed his forehead to hers. “Now, you go back. And you guide others. As I guided you.” He stepped away, and as he did, his body dissolved into light — not death, but expansion. Wind curled around her like an embrace. The stars spun. The ice tree glowed — then shattered into a thousand sparks, each one a whisper of awakening. She woke beneath a pine, heart pounding, breath steady. Snow clung to her lashes. The sun broke through the trees. And beside her in the snow — a single pawprint. Warm. Fresh. Waiting. She stood. And followed.     Carry the Spirit. Remember the Path. “The Enchanted Husky” is more than a tale — it’s a guidepost, a companion, and a reminder that some journeys begin in stillness, and some guardians walk with us even when unseen. Now, you can bring Varro’s quiet strength and luminous beauty into your space through a collection designed for those who feel the call of the wild and the whisper of the stars: Wood Print – Let the story breathe on natural grain, where every line carries the texture of ancient wisdom and quiet strength. Throw Pillow – Rest with a guardian by your side. Subtle. Majestic. Ever-watchful. Tote Bag – Carry calm, carry clarity, carry a myth wrapped in fur and frost wherever you go. Sticker – A small reminder on your journal, water bottle, or window — that guidance often comes on quiet paws. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch a spirit into form. Meditative, meaningful, and timeless. Let Varro walk with you.Because some stories don’t end — they echo, softly, wherever the snow falls and the soul listens.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Faerie and Her Dragonette

Wings, Whispers, and Way Too Much Sparkle “If you set one more fern on fire, I swear by the Moonroot Blossoms I will ground you until the next equinox.” “I didn't mean to, Poppy!” the dragonette squeaked, smoke curling from his nostrils. “It looked flammable. It was practically asking for it.” Poppy Leafwhistle, faerie of the Deepwood Glade and part-time chaos manager, pinched the bridge of her nose — a move she’d adopted from mortals because rubbing your temples is apparently not enough when you're bonded to a fire-prone winged gremlin with scale polish and an attitude. She’d rescued the dragonette — now called Fizzletuft — from a rogue spell circle in the north fen. Why? Because he had eyes like sunrise, a whimper like a teacup, and the emotional stability of a wet squirrel. Obviously. “Fizz,” she sighed, “we talked about the sparkle restraint protocols. You can’t go around flaring your tail every time a leaf rustles. This isn’t drama class. This is the forest.” Fizzletuft huffed, his wings fluttering with a rainbow shimmer that could blind a bard. “Well maybe the forest shouldn’t be so flammable. That’s not my fault.” The Trouble with Moonberries They were on a mission. A *simple* one, Poppy had thought. Find the Moonberry Grove. Harvest two berries. Don’t let Fizz eat them, explode them, or name them “Sir Wiggleberry” and try to teach them interpretive dance. So far, they had located zero berries, three suspiciously enchanted mushrooms (one of which proposed to Poppy), and a vine that had tried to spank Fizzletuft into next Tuesday. “I hate this place,” Fizz whined, perching dramatically on a mossy rock like a sad opera singer with abandonment issues. “You hate everything that isn’t about you,” Poppy replied, ducking under a willow branch. “You hated breakfast because the jam wasn’t ‘emotionally tart’ enough.” “I have a delicate palate!” “You ate a rock yesterday!” “It looked seasoned!” Poppy paused, exhaled, and counted to ten in three different elemental languages. The Mist Came Suddenly Just as the sun speared through the canopy in a shaft of perfect golden light, the forest changed. The air thickened. The birds stopped chirping. Even the leaves held their breath. “Fizz…” Poppy whispered, her voice dipping into seriousness — a rare tone in their partnership. “Yup. I feel it. Very mysterious. Definitely spooky. Possibly cursed. A hundred percent into it.” From the mist rose a shape — tall, robed, shimmering with the same light Poppy’s wings cast. It wasn’t malevolent. Just… ancient. Familiar, somehow. And oddly floral. “You seek the Grove,” it said, voice like wind through old chimes. “Yes,” Poppy replied, stepping forward. “We need the berries. For the ritual.” “Then you must prove your bond.” Fizzletuft perked up. “Oooh! Like a trust fall? Or interpretive dance? I have wings, I can pirouette!” The figure paused. “...No. You must enter the Trial of Two.” Poppy groaned. “Please tell me it’s not the one with the mushroom maze and the accidental emotional telepathy.” Fizz squealed. “We’re gonna get in each other’s heads? FINALLY. I’ve always wondered what it’s like inside your brain. Is it full of sarcasm and leaf facts?” She turned to him slowly. “Fizz. You have five seconds to run before I turn your tail into a windchime.” He didn’t run. He launched straight upward, cackling, sparkles trailing behind him like a magical sneeze. The Trial of Two (And the Sparkle Apocalypse) The moment they crossed the veil into the Trial Grove, the world blinked. One second, Poppy was side-eyeing Fizzletuft’s attempt to rebrand himself as “Lord Wingpop the Dazzling,” and the next — She was floating. Or... falling? Hard to tell. There was mist, and colors, and an unsettling number of tiny whispering voices saying things like “oof, this one’s emotionally constipated” and “he hides his trauma under glitter.” When her feet hit the ground again — mossy, fragrant, humming slightly — she was alone. “Fizz?” No answer. “This isn’t funny!” Still nothing, until— “I CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS!” Fizzletuft’s voice echoed in her skull like an overexcited squirrel with a megaphone. “This is amazing! You think in leaf metaphors! Also, you’re low-key afraid of centipedes! WE HAVE TO UNPACK THAT!” “Fizz. Focus. Trial. Sacred place. Prove our bond. Stop narrating my anxieties.” “Okay okay okay. But wait — wait. Is that... is that a DRAGON SIZED VERSION OF ME?!” The Mirrorbeast Poppy turned, heart thudding. Standing before her — impossibly elegant, coiled in winged menace and sass — was a full-grown dragonette. Rainbow-scaled. Eyes glowing. And smirking in the exact same smug way Fizzletuft did when he was about to destroy a teacup on purpose. The Mirrorbeast. “To pass,” it boomed, “you must face your fears. Each other’s. Together.” Poppy didn’t like the way it said “together.” “Oh boy,” Fizz whispered in her brain. “I just remembered something. From before we met.” “What is it?” “I don’t... I don’t know if I hatched. I mean, I did. But not... normally. There was fire. A big explosion. Screaming. Possibly a sorcerer with a toupee. And I’ve always wondered if I was... created. Not born.” She paused. “Fizz.” “I know, I know. I act like I don’t care. But I do. What if I’m not real?” She stepped closer to the Mirrorbeast. “You’re as real as it gets, you over-glittered fire noodle.” The beast growled. “And your fear, faerie?” Poppy swallowed. “That I’m too much. Too sharp. That no one will ever choose to stay.” Silence fell. Then, out of nowhere, Fizzletuft crashed through a shrub, covered in vines, eyes wide. “I CHOSE YOU.” “Fizz—” “NOPE. I CHOSE YOU. You rescued me when I was all panic and fire and tail fluff. You scolded me like a mom and cheered for me like a friend. I may be made of magic and chaos, but I’d still choose you. Every day. Even if your cooking tastes like compost pudding.” The Mirrorbeast stared. And then... chuckled. It shimmered, cracked, and burst into stardust. The Trial was over. “You have passed,” said the grove, now gently glowing. “Bond: true. Chaos: accepted. Love: weird, but real.” The Grove’s Gift They found the Moonberries — soft-glowing, silver-veined, blooming from a tree that seemed to sigh when touched. Fizzletuft only licked one. Once. Regretted it immediately. Called it “spicy sadness with a minty afterburn.” On the way home, they were quiet. Not awkward quiet. The good kind. The “we’ve seen each other’s soul clutter and still want to hang out” kind. Back in the glade, Poppy lit a lantern and leaned back against the mossy stump they both called home base. Fizzletuft curled around her shoulders like a warm, glittering scarf. “I still think we should’ve performed that interpretive dance.” “We did, Fizz.” She smiled, eyes twinkling. “We just used feelings instead of jazz hands.” He let out a contented puff of smoke. “Gross.” “I know.”     Adopt the Sass. Sparkle Your Space. If you’ve fallen for the leafy sass of Poppy and the firecracker mischief of Fizzletuft, you can now bring their story home (without setting anything on fire... probably). “The Faerie and Her Dragonette” is now available in a collection of magical merchandise that’s as vivid, cheeky, and sparkly as the duo themselves: Tapestry – Hang this vibrant fae-and-flame duo in your space and let the adventure begin with every glance. Puzzle – Piece together the magic, the mystery, and maybe some glitter tantrums. It's the perfect dragon-approved challenge. Greeting Card – Send a message as bold and sparkly as your favorite faerie fire duo. For magical birthdays, sassy thank-yous, or just saying “hey, you're fabulous.” Sticker – Slap a bit of Poppy & Fizz on your journal, laptop, or cauldron. Mischief included. Glitter optional (but encouraged). Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch your own enchanted moment. Perfect for crafters, faerie fans, and anyone needing an excuse to hoard sparkly thread. Claim your piece of Deepwood Glade — because some stories deserve to live on your wall, your shelf, and definitely your heart. 🧚‍♀️🐉

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Macabre Masquerade

The Dance Beneath Dying Stars The fog curled like fingers across the old courtyard stones, whispering secrets only the dead remembered. Candlelight, trembling in iron sconces, painted everything in flickering gold and mourning gray. The night air was thick with forgotten perfumes — rose ash, bitter myrrh, a trace of blood-orange wine aged in grief. They arrived together, always together, the way dusk arrives with the moon. Lucien Virell in midnight finery, top hat adorned with skulls that smiled wider than he did. And Celestine D’Roux, cloaked in smoke and corset-laced shadows, her heart encased in a red gem so vivid it pulsed with memory. Both masked in bone, painted in echoes. Lovers, perhaps. Cursed, certainly. Guests of honor at a gathering no living soul had ever truly left. The Unveiling The Masquerade was held but once a century — a celebration of mourning, of memory, of the beautiful rot of what had been. Every guest wore their regrets like jewelry. Every glance was a wound opened willingly. The music was sorrow carved into sound, led by violins that remembered heartbreaks never spoken aloud. Celestine descended the marbled stair with the grace of a fallen prayer. Her striped stockings wrapped her legs like shackles fashioned by angels. Her curls bloomed with feathers and bone, her smile stitched with longing she had never learned to bury. Lucien met her with a hand offered like a vow. “One night,” he said, voice thick as velvet and cold as confession. “We have one night before the dream ends again.” She pressed her fingers to his, eyes dark wells no wish dared fall into. “Then let us make the dream bleed beauty.” The Dance They moved like death pretending to be desire. Step by step, breathless and boundless, swirling through clouds of ash petals and ghostlight. Around them, the masquerade pulsed with forgotten lovers, mourning queens, hollow kings, and dancers who once were poets, now turned poetry themselves. The music shifted — slow, reverent, like a soul leaving the skin. The floor seemed to tilt, drawing them inward, deeper, toward the heart of something buried long ago: a promise made in blood beneath a red eclipse, when Lucien had still drawn breath and Celestine had still wept. “Do you remember?” he asked, voice raw at the edges. “I never stopped.” His fingers trembled at her waist. Not with fear — but with the weight of what could never be undone. Their love was a wound that refused to scar, a story told through lips long silent. As they spun, the others parted. Not out of awe — but reverence. Grief recognized grief, and these two were its truest priests. Midnight’s Toll The bells tolled from the cathedral’s skeleton tower. Midnight — the moment the veil thinned and the cost was counted. Lucien’s form began to fade, threads of shadow unwinding from his coat. Celestine reached for him, but her hand passed through the echo of his own. “No,” she breathed. “Not again.” “Every century, my love. Until the promise breaks or the world does.” He pressed his lips to her forehead, a phantom blessing. “I will return to you,” he whispered. “In fog, in flame, in the space between heartbeats. I am yours where no time can find us.” And with that, he was gone. Celestine stood alone beneath the blood-red balloons that never drifted, never burst. Only hovered — waiting. Around her, the Masquerade danced on. But her world had tilted. Again. And she was left with only memory and the echo of a man she once called forever. She smiled. And it cracked like porcelain. The Heart That Refused to Die The ballroom emptied slowly, as if time itself was reluctant to sweep away what remained. Guests retreated in silken silence, their masks cracking at the edges, their elegance wilting beneath the weight of farewell. All except one. Celestine lingered at the center of the dancefloor, haloed in cinders and feathers. Her red-heart pendant glowed faintly, a pulse echoing from within — his heartbeat. No longer flesh, but still hers. She walked alone now, among shadows that whispered her name like a hymn. Each footstep echoed memories. Here, he had kissed her. There, they had vowed to never leave. Everywhere she turned, he was absent and somehow still near. She did not cry. Not because she could not. But because even sorrow had grown quiet inside her. What remained now was something deeper. Something colder. Something eternal. The Mirror of Remembering In a forgotten chamber behind the crimson-curtained alcove, Celestine approached the Mirror of Remembering — a relic wrought from obsidian and regret. It was said to show not what was, but what could have been. Most who looked into it left screaming or laughing. Or simply vanished. Celestine stared into it, fearless. And saw him. Lucien. Whole. Laughing. A garden bloomed around him, with sunlight draped across his face and a ring upon his hand. The ring she once wore, before the fire. Before the curse. Before the deal struck at the edge of the veil. He was alive in that reflection — not as he was, but as he might have been. And beside him stood her — but younger, less adorned in sorrow, more filled with breath than ghosts. She lifted her hand to touch the glass. It rippled. The image faltered. “Do not chase what was never meant to be,” the mirror whispered, its voice her own. But her heart — that red gem set in a cage of silver and loss — beat louder than warning. Louder than reason. And she turned away. The Pact Revisited Celestine returned to the courtyard, now swallowed in fog and half-light. There, on the obsidian dais where the Masquerade had begun, stood the veiled one — the Architect of the Masquerade, neither alive nor dead, but something else entirely. A curator of stories trapped in time, of vows unfulfilled. “You seek to rewrite fate,” the Architect intoned, voice like rust and rain. “No,” she said. “I seek to finish it.” “He is beyond the veil. You know the cost.” “Yes. My body. My breath. My tomorrow. All of it.” The Architect extended a skeletal hand. In its palm, a thorned key. “Then pass through the veil. Reclaim him. But know this — you cannot return.” Celestine took the key. Her hands did not tremble. Her resolve was older than fear. The Door Beneath the Stars Behind the oldest rose arch in the garden — one that had not bloomed since Lucien’s last breath — she found the door. Etched in it were their names, carved with the same blade that once spilled their shared blood in vow. The key turned with a sigh. The door opened on silence. She stepped through — and the world changed. There was no fire. No scream. Just... warmth. A warmth she hadn’t known since before memory. Her hands became flesh again, her tears real. And before her stood Lucien — whole, human, reaching for her with eyes full of disbelief and aching joy. “You...” he whispered. “Always,” she replied. They fell into each other, the past crumbling behind them like dried rose petals. There were no masks. No masquerade. Only a beginning — at last, and far too late — in the only place left untouched by time: The space between death and forever.     Curate the Darkness. Keep the Memory. For those drawn to passion that defies time and elegance painted in bone and velvet, “The Macabre Masquerade” lives on beyond the veil — now captured in exquisitely crafted products for your home, your heart, and your hidden corners. Let Lucien and Celestine’s story breathe through your space with our hauntingly beautiful collection: Tapestry – Drape your walls in shadow and elegance with this woven echo of gothic romance. Canvas Print – A gallery-worthy portrait of love undying, sealed in rich texture and eternal grayscale. Throw Pillow – Rest your thoughts upon feathers, lace, and longing. Duvet Cover – Wrap yourself in whispered secrets and sleep beneath the veil of love and ash. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch the sorrow and beauty, one thread at a time, and bring their tale to life in your own hands. Step beyond the masquerade and into memory.Because some love stories are too haunting to forget.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Painter's Pup

The Trouble With Turpentine and Tails There once lived a pup with fur so swirled, so vibrantly chaotic, that art professors across the land either wept with envy or spontaneously retired. His name? Bristle. Named not after a brush, but after what most people did when he tried to “help” them paint. Bristle was no ordinary dog. He didn’t bark. He *splattered*. His tail was a living brushstroke, his paws tracked cerulean, ochre, and “is-that-glitter?” across every surface. If he sneezed, someone got a new mural. His human, Gilda van Splick, was a renowned expressionist painter with a penchant for dramatic hats and even more dramatic tantrums. “Bristle, darling,” she’d often sigh, mid-explosion, “you can’t just PEE in the palette again. That’s a *limited edition* umber.” Bristle would cock his head, blink twice, and promptly chase a phantom dot only he could see. It was rumored the dot was existential. The Incident With the Art Critic It was a sunny Tuesday when the infamous art critic Clive Rottensnob arrived at Gilda’s studio. He wore a monocle, carried a snarky aura, and smelled faintly of ungrateful cheese. “I’m here,” he announced, “to review your latest masterpiece. It had better not involve that dog again.” Gilda’s eyes twitched. “Of course not, Clive. He’s simply... around. Not *involved*.” At that exact moment, Bristle launched from behind a canvas, flying in an arc of neon green and metallic gold, leaving a streak of paint across Clive’s cream linen trousers. The dog landed with a proud yip and a splat. The splat was considered avant-garde. “Good heavens!” Clive bellowed. “I am not a canvas!” “Clearly not,” Gilda said. “You lack depth.” Clive left in a huff, then a minute later returned to retrieve his monocle. Bristle had chewed it into a kaleidoscope and renamed it “Optic Confusion.” It sold two days later for $4,000 and a meatball sub. The Rise of a Furry Muse Word spread quickly. Suddenly, everyone wanted a Bristle Original. His pawprint had become the toast of the art world — literal toast, in one gallery's case. He had no idea what he was doing, and that made it better. “Art is feeling,” Gilda mused one night, sipping wine and watching Bristle roll through a vat of abstract glitter goo. “Art,” Bristle replied, licking a brush that had definitely seen too much turpentine, “tastes weird.” He sneezed. The splatter hit a blank wall. It sold the next morning for $12,000 and a year’s supply of chew toys. And thus, the legend of the Painter’s Pup began. The Gallery Gala, the Glitterpocalypse, and the Brush With Greatness Six months later, Bristle was a phenomenon. No longer just a mischievous mutt with a Jackson Paw-llock complex, he had become a celebrated enigma in the art world. People whispered his name in hushed tones at espresso bars. Critics battled over the meaning of his works, particularly the infamous "Untitled #37", which was just a series of red pawprints across a yoga mat and one disturbingly accurate depiction of a sausage. Gilda, once a misunderstood genius, now found herself outshone by her shaggy sidekick. Invitations rolled in faster than Bristle could destroy them. (He had an unfortunate habit of mistaking envelopes for hostile squirrels.) But none of that compared to the invitation that arrived by drone one cloudy Tuesday: THE GRAND GALA OF GLORIOUS GALLERIESThe prestigious House of Aesthetics invites you to unveil your greatest work at the Gala of the Century.Dress code: Excessively dramatic. Glitter optional but encouraged. Bristle barked once and promptly painted the RSVP in raspberry jam on the carpet. They were going. Gala Night: The Brush, the Bark, the Buffet The venue was a literal castle, converted from a 14th-century fortress into a modern space with ambient lighting, brooding violinists, and at least three people named “Sebastian” wearing scarves that cost more than rent. Gilda wore a gown inspired by one of Bristle’s earlier works — a swirling pattern of orange, blue, and “oops-that-was-coffee.” Bristle? He wore a bowtie made of paintbrush bristles and glitter shoes he made himself by rolling through a craft bin. He looked like a Lisa Frank fever dream — and he loved it. “Are you nervous?” Gilda asked as they entered the main hall, which was filled with gallerists, influencers, and that one guy who always insists NFTs are still a thing. Bristle sniffed the air. “I smell shrimp cocktail and mild existential panic. Classic opening night energy.” At the center of the gala, on a rotating dais beneath a chandelier shaped like a question mark, was the showstopper: Bristle’s newest masterpiece. He’d titled it “I Chased the Moon and Found My Tail”. The piece defied explanation. Swirls, splatters, bite marks. A haunting dab of mustard in the corner that art theorists would debate for years. One critic cried openly. Another proposed marriage to the canvas. Then... disaster struck. The Glitterpocalypse Everything was going well until Bristle, overcome with creative inspiration (or possibly indigestion), attempted a live performance piece. He leapt onto the buffet table. He rolled through a tray of canapés. He launched himself at the rotating dais, did a backflip midair (where did he learn that?!), and knocked over three vats of promotional glitter — one of which was pressurized. The explosion was immediate. And glorious. Glitter coated every person, every artwork, every canapé. The chandelier collapsed under the weight of aesthetic irony. One influencer livestreamed the entire thing and gained 42,000 new followers in 30 minutes. In the center of it all, Bristle stood triumphant, tail wagging in a shimmering cyclone of fabulous ruin. His bowtie was on fire. Nobody cared. It was art. The Aftermath and Accidental Enlightenment The House of Aesthetics tried to be outraged. They issued a formal complaint written entirely in haiku. But it was too late — Bristle had become a legend. His work — the smeared remains of food, fabric, and glitter-borne chaos — was rebranded as “Post-Intentional Aesthetic Destruction”. It sold to a private collector in Milan for the price of a small yacht, a lifetime supply of chew toys, and a full-time emotional support butler named Wayne. Gilda and Bristle returned to their studio. They painted less and played more. Bristle, tired of fame, focused on his true calling: making very specific messes in very expensive places. “Do you ever wonder what it all means?” Gilda asked one evening, watching Bristle nap on a palette shaped like a cloud. Bristle yawned, rolled onto his back, and whispered, “Art is just the universe licking its own tail and calling it a masterpiece.” She blinked. “That... was actually profound.” He farted. “And that was balance.” Epilogue: Where Are They Now? Bristle currently teaches an abstract splatter class for toddlers and surrealist pigeons. Gilda is launching a line of clothing inspired by dog prints and chaos. Clive Rottensnob became a llama therapist and hasn’t spoken about “Optic Confusion” since. Optic Confusion was recently acquired by a museum, where it now haunts the gift shop. And as for art? It’s still messy. Still loud. Still weird. Just like Bristle.     Decorate Like a Dog Just Discovered Color Inspired by the legendary chaos of Bristle the Brush-Tailed Wonder, we've turned his vibrant, swirly madness into home décor that makes a statement. (That statement is somewhere between “I love dogs” and “I let my inner goblin paint the guest room.”) The Painter’s Pup is now available in glorious, cuddle-approved form: Tapestry – Hang a hurricane of color and fluff on your wall like the artistic rebel you are. Throw Pillow – Snuggle into swirls that may or may not inspire a nap and a sudden craving for peanut butter. Fleece Blanket – Stay warm in a flurry of fur, color, and questionable life choices (just like Bristle). Tote Bag – Carry your snacks, sketchpads, or emergency glitter with Bristle’s chaotic charm by your side. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch this adorable masterpiece one loop at a time while Bristle barks encouragement from beyond the frame. Shop the Pup Collection and let your living space scream "I believe in art, color, and small dogs with big dreams." 🎨🐾

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Whispering Wings in the Winter Wilds

The Silence That Screamed Back The snow didn’t crunch beneath her feet — it gasped. With every step, Lira walked like a secret looking for somewhere safe to hide. Swathed in crimson velvet stitched with symbols no mortal tailor could explain (though her dry cleaner would later try, bless his soul), she moved like a question mark curled into a lullaby. Her companion, however, had never been one for subtlety. “You know,” Korrik said, swiveling his feathery head in that unnerving 270-degree owl way, “this whole ‘mysterious enchantress in the woods’ look is gorgeous, yes, but I’m freezing my tail feathers off.” “You don’t have a tail,” Lira replied without looking. “Metaphorical tail feathers. Emotional tail feathers. I’m vulnerable, Lira.” Korrik, the Great Spirit Owl of the Frosthorn Peaks, guardian of the Glacial Gate, and recently self-declared podcast host, had a way of blending gravitas and sarcasm like hot tea with just a splash of gin. Once, he’d disarmed an entire battalion of ice trolls with nothing but a pun and a glare. But today, he was simply cranky — and suspiciously damp. “That’s because you fell in a creek,” Lira murmured, stroking his soaked wing. “I was diving to save you!” “From a squirrel.” “A potentially rabid squirrel with a knife!” “It had a pinecone.” “A sharpened pinecone. Tactical weapon. Definitely trained.” The Watchers Return The forest, that endless blur of white and breath and needle-thin trees, shifted around them like it was listening. Because it was. Everything in the Winter Wilds watched, even the silence. Especially the silence. Lira slowed near a clearing marked by stone towers, twisted and worn like the spines of sleeping giants. She placed a gloved hand on one. It was warm. Not warm like sunlight, but warm like memory — familiar, haunting, a little clingy. “They’re stirring again,” she said. Korrik’s mood shifted in a blink. Humor dropped from his feathers like a cloak. “How long do we have?” “Until twilight. Maybe less.” “You could be less vague and more terrifying, you know.” “You could be less sarcastic and more helpful.” “But then I wouldn’t be me.” She smiled. “Exactly.” In the frozen space between heartbeat and echo, their bond shimmered. Ancient and sacred, born not of birthright but of choice — a witch and her watcher, once enemies, now fused by purpose. What that purpose was, exactly, remained frustratingly cryptic. But that’s how the Fates liked it. The Fates were jerks. A Name Written in Wind “You’re sure she’s here?” The voice came from behind the ridge. Male. Low. Invasive. Lira’s breath hitched. Korrik’s feathers stood on end. “Trouble incoming. You want the high road or the high ground?” “I’ll take the high ground. You take the drama.” He flared his wings like a diva on opening night. “I was born for it.” Three shadowed figures crested the rise. Cloaks like dusk. Eyes like spite. The lead one bore a staff crowned with a pulsating green stone — pulsing not with power, but hunger. “Lira of the Crimson Vale,” the leader intoned. “Your presence offends the order of things.” Lira tilted her head. “My presence offends a lot of things. Bureaucracy, fashion critics, small talk... Take a number.” Korrik swooped low, fangs bared. “And your face offends me. Let’s fight!” The air crackled. Snow lifted. The Wilds inhaled. And somewhere, just behind reality, something very old... opened an eye. Talons, Truth, and That One Time with the Ice Nymph The snow exploded before the first spell even landed. Korrik shot upward in a cyclone of white, feathers catching the moonlight like slivers of steel. Lira spun, red cloak flaring behind her, arms rising into sigils carved into the air with raw intent. Magic, sharp and ancient, burst from her fingertips like forgotten lullabies turned feral. “You should really work on your subtlety!” Korrik called from above as he dive-bombed the staff-wielder. “Also your skincare routine!” The man swung his staff, unleashing a lash of green flame. It hit Korrik squarely in the chest—where it fizzled and died. Korrik blinked. “Well. That tickled.” He responded with a scream that cracked frost from branches a hundred yards away. The snow groaned, split open, and something *moved* beneath it. Lira stepped forward. The leader, flanked by two cowards dressed like budget necromancers, snarled. “You have no idea what you’re protecting.” “Wrong again,” she said, eyes glowing violet. “I know exactly what I’m protecting. That’s why you’re going to lose.” With a motion like pulling memories from her bones, Lira whispered a word no one had heard for centuries — not because it was forbidden, but because it was lonely. Everything froze. Literally. The attackers, mid-motion, snapped into statues of frost. The stone towers behind them shuddered, exhaled mist, and shifted their alignment, revealing a stairway down into the earth. The entrance to the Heart Below. The Pact Rekindled Korrik landed beside her, talons careful not to touch the threshold. “You sure about this?” “No. But we were never meant to be sure. Only brave.” “You know that’s the kind of inspirational nonsense that gets people eaten by haunted furniture, right?” “I trust you.” He blinked again. Slower this time. The kind of blink that said fine, I love you too, now let’s go die together but stylishly. They stepped onto the stairs. Stone hummed beneath their feet. The deeper they descended, the warmer it got — not in temperature, but in intensity. The way you feel walking into a room where your name’s just been spoken. Below, the Heart pulsed. A being of ice, spirit, and sorrow — guardian of the balance between realms. It had once chosen Korrik as its emissary. Now it chose Lira as its voice. “She comes,” the Heart whispered. “Blood-bound. Magic-marked. Fierce and flammable.” “I told you to stop using that shampoo,” Korrik muttered. “You smell like vengeance and lilacs.” Lira ignored him. “The Order is moving. They want to unbind the gates.” “Then we will seal them forever,” the Heart replied. “And if they follow?” “Then we give them what they seek: a world where only the strong, the true, and the gloriously sarcastic remain.” Korrik puffed out his chest. “Finally. My kind of world.” Aftermath, Tea, and Maybe a Book Deal Back in the forest, the statues began to melt — slowly, screaming. Their magic was broken, their leadership dismantled, and one of them had wet himself before freezing. Korrik promised never to let anyone forget it. Weeks passed. Snow fell gentler. The Wilds whispered less and laughed more. Lira and Korrik found a cabin on the edge of everything. A place where the world couldn’t quite reach, and reality had the good sense to stay confused. They drank too much tea, argued over firewood stacking technique, and fought off the occasional cursed marmot. Their bond deepened — not because of duty, but because they were better, stronger, and funnier together. Every so often, someone would knock on the cabin door with a warning or a prophecy. And every time, Korrik would answer with a smirk and a warning: “If you don’t come bearing cookies or compliments, turn back now. The witch bites. And I peck.” They never stayed long. And So... The Heart slept once more. The forest watched with different eyes now — gentler, knowing, a little amused. And the snow? The snow still gasped. But now, it was with laughter.     Bring the Magic Home If this tale of fierce friendship, ancient snow, and slightly sarcastic owls spoke to your soul (or at least chuckled at it), you can now bring “Whispering Wings in the Winter Wilds” into your own realm. Explore our enchanted collection of themed products below, perfect for gifts, gallery walls, or just reminding yourself that mystical forests and divine winged sass do, in fact, belong in your daily life: Greeting Card – For when your messages deserve a little winter magic. Tapestry – Drape your space in spellbound wonder. Acrylic Print – Let the colors of frost and fire shine in rich, vivid detail. Puzzle – Piece together the magic with your own two hands. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch your way into the Wilds with this elegant pattern version of the image. Shop the collection and let your walls whisper stories of snow, spirit, and sass.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Mystic Guardian: The Wolf of Thousand Dreams

In the quiet hours between dusk and nightfall, when shadows slither long and the wind hums forgotten names, the forest breathes with more than leaves. It was here, in the forbidden boundary of reality and myth, that the villagers spoke of a presence not bound by flesh, but carved in dream and fire. They called it Avenar, the Wolf of Thousand Dreams. Avenar was not born but woven. The old stories said his fur was stitched from strands of starfire, his eyes forged in the black furnace between worlds. To gaze upon him was to glimpse all your regrets at once, bathed in cosmic silence. Children dared one another to cross the Hollowroot River—the border of the waking world—to seek his trail. None returned unchanged. But tonight was different. She came from the city. Leather jacket cracked with wear, her boots stained in blood and secrets. Her name was Elira, and she carried a blade shaped like a crescent moon and scarred like its surface. A Guardian. Chosen not by gods, but by consequence. She bore no mark, no blessing. Only purpose. Whispers from the Elderglen trees wound around her mind like mist: He is awake. She did not flinch when the cold howl rose from the depths of the vale, ancient and aching. Instead, she followed it. Past the grove where time bent, past the rocks that bled silver when touched by shadow. She knew the wolf was waiting—not to attack, but to weigh her soul. They met beneath the forgotten temple, half-consumed by ivy and moonlight. The wolf’s breath stirred the stars. His fur rippled with fractal hues, a living mosaic of dreams lost and found. Eyes like burning orbs, deep and knowing, fixed on her. Elira knelt. "I seek not absolution,” she said, “only truth." The wind stilled. The trees bowed. And in a voice that was both thunder and whisper, the wolf answered: "Then walk the path of those who never sleep." The night cracked. A portal of memory and madness yawned open behind him, a swirl of lives unlived and moments unborn. Elira stepped forward, blade humming with light, into the fold of eternity itself. Behind her, the forest closed like a secret. Only the howl remained, echoing across realms. The Dream That Hunts There was no up, no down. Only the spiral. Elira fell and flew at once, her mind stitched across lifetimes—hers and others. Memories not her own clawed into her senses: a child lost in winter, a lover swallowed by fire, a war that never was. The dream-path was no mere vision; it was an ecosystem, breathing pain and hope in equal measure. The Wolf of Thousand Dreams led her through it—not as a guide, but as a test. “Every step forward,” he had told her in voice like rusted bells, “is a truth laid bare.” First, she met the hunter she might have become. In that strand of existence, Elira had slain Avenar before his howl ever touched the sky. She wore his pelt like a crown, ruled villages with fear. Her eyes were hollow, her smile cruel. When their gazes met across the thin veil, both versions of her snarled. She staggered back into the spiral. Next came the child. A girl with silver braids and mismatched eyes, cradling a bone flute made from the spine of her fallen mother. She looked at Elira, not with fear, but recognition. “You left me,” the girl whispered. “And the dream turned into a cage.” The world around her was barren—ashes, cracked earth, no stars above. The Guardian dropped to her knees. Her blade trembled. She couldn’t tell if the girl was future or past, consequence or warning. But Avenar was watching. The wolf emerged from the starlit fissures again, silent as breath. His form had shifted—no longer entirely wolf. Wings feathered with cosmic ink shimmered behind him, and his limbs bent in ways no earthly creature should. His voice, when it came, resonated through her bones. "You think your strength is in the sword. But your burden is older than steel." Elira rose slowly, her voice hoarse. “Then tell me what I carry.” Avenar circled her, eyes flaming suns. "You carry every soul that cried for justice. Every whisper ignored. Every nightmare you never faced. You are not here to defeat me, Elira. You are here to become me." The realization struck like lightning. This was not a trial to conquer the guardian wolf. It was a rite to inherit his legacy. Elira’s breath caught. Her blade shattered—voluntarily—splintering into motes of light that embedded themselves into her skin. Her bones felt heavier, older, made of the forest and fire and sorrow. She collapsed to her knees as the last echoes of her former self fell away. When she rose, her eyes mirrored his. And the spiral shifted. Now she stood at the mouth of the forgotten temple, half-consumed by ivy and moonlight. A young man approached, weapon at his back, his soul cracked by grief. He did not see a woman. He saw a beast of myth, fur laced with glowing fractals, eyes that glimmered with every dream he’d buried. He dropped to one knee. “I seek not glory, only peace.” Elira—the new Avenar—breathed deep and spoke her first words as the Dream Guardian: "Then walk the path of those who never sleep." The howl rose again, ancient and fierce, carrying across dimensions like a beacon. A new guardian stood watch. A new spiral had begun. And somewhere, far away, a child dreamed of a silver wolf, and smiled in her sleep.     Bring the Mystic Guardian into Your World If the legend of Avenar stirred your soul, now you can carry his story into your space. The Wolf of Thousand Dreams by Bill and Linda Tiepelman is available in beautifully crafted formats for your home, heart, and hands. 🔥 Wood Print – Bold, natural, and timeless 🌌 Wall Tapestry – Let dreams flow across your walls 👜 Tote Bag – Carry a guardian wherever you go ☕ Coffee Mug – Start your mornings with myth 🧵 Cross-Stitch Pattern – Craft the dream with your own hands Let the Guardian live on—not just in tales, but in the texture of your life.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Floral Mischief and Bearded Smiles

Thistlewhump the Gnome was not your average garden variety gnome. While others spent their days polishing mushrooms or napping behind tulip stems, Thistlewhump was a known floral deviant—a collector of rare petals, hoarder of pollen sparkle, and self-declared Minister of Mischief in the Bloomborough Hollow. Spring had just cracked open its golden shell, and Thistlewhump was already knee-deep in his seasonal rituals: rearranging the faerie ring alphabetically, filling birds’ nests with glitter, and most controversially, “borrowing” blooms from Mrs. Mumbletoes’ garden. It wasn’t theft if you left a button in return, right? On the morning in question, sunlight filtered through the forest like melted butter over toast, and Thistlewhump stood atop his wobble-legged stool, eyeing a fresh patch of purplebells with the intensity of a pastry chef inspecting an éclair. Basket in one hand, beard flowing like spun cloud, he plucked the flowers with theatrical flair. “This one shall be named Petunia von Sassypants,” he declared, twirling a violet petal between his fingers, “and this... Sir Bloomalot.” Behind him, a potted explosion of wildflowers shimmered as if snickering in delight, the fae whispers swirling in the warm air. Thistlewhump leaned in to sniff a bloom and immediately sneezed glitter. “That’s what I get for sweet-talking a sneezeweed,” he muttered, wiping fairy dust from his nose with a mushroom cap. But there was something different in the air that day—not just the usual scent of chlorophyll and mischief. No, something—or someone—was watching him. Hidden behind the larger-than-life bouquet was a shadow. A giggle. Possibly the rustle of a wing or the hiccup of a pixie with hayfever. Thistlewhump narrowed his eyes. “If that’s you again, Spriggle, I swear on my beard trimmer—” He paused. The flowers behind him trembled. His stool creaked. A petal fell. And from somewhere within the blossoms came a whisper: "Not Spriggle. Worse."     Thistlewhump froze mid-pose, one foot on his stool and the other dangling dramatically in midair like he was auditioning for a woodland ballet he never rehearsed. His nose twitched. His beard fluffed out in defensive formation. He turned slowly, theatrically, as gnomes are prone to do when drama calls. “Worse?” he echoed, eyes darting through the explosion of pinks and purples behind him. “Don’t tell me the Hydrangea Council finally traced my root-snipping incident…” But it wasn’t the Hydrangeas. Out of the petals burst a small figure—two inches tall, armed with a daffodil stem like a fencing foil and glitter streaming from her ears. “Daisy Flitterbottom!” Thistlewhump groaned. “You absolute menace!” “You stole my sparklebush cuttings,” Daisy accused, mid-air, wings vibrating like a caffeine-soaked hummingbird. “And you repotted them. In a clay mug. With no drainage.” Thistlewhump held up his basket as a peace offering, though it only contained three slightly crushed blossoms and a lint-covered gumdrop. “I was... experimenting,” he offered. “It was for science. Art. Interpretive horticulture.” Daisy wasn’t convinced. She dive-bombed his hat, knocking loose a cluster of sequins. “You called that art? It looked like a mossy sock with commitment issues!” What followed can only be described as an aggressively polite garden brawl. Thistlewhump flailed with a trowel he named “Daisy Negotiator,” while Daisy zigzagged like an angry firefly, knocking over his flowerpot in mid-hover. Petals flew. Glitter exploded. A passing bee did a U-turn in existential confusion. Eventually, both collapsed—Thistlewhump into a pile of overturned violets, and Daisy into a half-eaten macaroon someone had left on the railing. They panted, sweaty and pollen-covered, staring at the sky as though it owed them both an apology. “Truce?” Daisy mumbled through crumbs. “Only if you promise not to weaponize peonies again,” Thistlewhump wheezed. “I’m still finding petals in my underpants from last time.” She giggled. He grinned. The flowers slowly stopped trembling, and a single blue bloom stretched lazily toward the sun as if clapping with a petal. And as the sun dipped low and the bokeh haze of springtime glowed gold around them, Thistlewhump sat back on his stool (now slightly broken), sipped a warm chamomile from an acorn cup, and declared with a smile, “Ah, yes. Just another peaceful day in Bloomborough.” Somewhere nearby, a peony shuddered.     🌼 Garden Giggle Rhyme 🌼 In a garden where the posies pout,And bees wear boots to buzz about,Lives a gnome with a beard so wide,He sweeps the tulips when he slides. He steals your blooms, he swaps your socks,He talks to snails, he pranks the rocks.He brews his tea with petals bold,And sniffs the sun like it’s pure gold. So if you see your daisies grinning,Or catch your rosebush gently spinning—Don’t panic, dear, it’s just old Thump,The gnome who gardens with a bump. He’ll leave you laughs, some glitter, cheer,And possibly... a flowered rear.     🌷 Take the Mischief Home 🌷 If Thistlewhump and his flower-fueled chaos stole your heart (and maybe your socks), bring a bit of that blooming whimsy into your world! Whether you’re dressing up your space, lounging in comfort, or toting garden goodies, Floral Mischief and Bearded Smiles is available in a variety of delightful products: 🧵 Whimsical Wall Tapestry – Hang the gnome magic on your wall and let the floral laughter bloom. 🛋️ Throw Pillow – Perfect for garden naps and accidental glitter naps. 🛏️ Duvet Cover – Sleep like a gnome, dream like a petal. 👜 Tote Bag – Carry blooms, mischief, and snacks wherever you wander. 🏖️ Round Beach Towel – Because nothing says spring mischief like lounging in circular style. Each item features the richly detailed artwork of Bill and Linda Tiepelman, bringing joy, charm, and just a pinch of gnome-fueled madness to your everyday life.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

The Quilted Egg Keeper

Of Eggs, Ego, and Exile Deep in the buttercream-scented meadows of Spring Hollow, far beyond the reach of grocery store egg dye kits and mass-produced chocolate bunnies, there lived a gnome named Gnorbert. Not just any gnome — *the* Gnorbert. The Quilted Egg Keeper. The legend, the myth, the mildly intoxicated seasonal icon whose job it was to guard the most sacred artifact of Easter: The First Egg. Capital F. Capital E. No pressure. His egg — more Fabergé than farm-fresh — was stitched together from enchanted scraps of long-forgotten springtime festivals. Panels of floral velvet, sunbeam-woven silk, and even one suspicious square that may have been repurposed from Mrs. Springlebottom’s old curtain set. It shimmered in the sunlight like a Lisa Frank fever dream, and it was Gnorbert’s pride and joy. That, and his hat. Oh gods, the hat. Spiraled like a unicorn’s horn and dyed in hues not even Crayola had the nerve to name, it loomed over him like a rainbow tornado. Gnorbert insisted it was necessary “to maintain the mystical equilibrium of seasonal joy,” but everyone in the Hollow knew it was just to hide the fact he hadn’t washed his hair since the Great Tulip Debacle of 2017. Every year, just as the last winter icicle packed its snowy bags and slinked back into the shadows, Gnorbert emerged from his quilted abode like a deranged jack-in-the-box, ready to coordinate the Great Egg Launch. It was part ceremony, part fashion show, and entirely unnecessary — but Spring Hollow wouldn’t have it any other way. This year, however, there was… tension. The kind of tension that smells like scorched marshmallow peeps and passive aggression. “You forgot to paint the anti-rot runes again, Gnorbert,” hissed Petalwick the Bunny Cleric, ears twitching with disapproval. “I did no such thing,” Gnorbert replied, elbow-deep in a mug of mead-laced carrot cider. “They’re invisible. That’s why they’re effective.” “They’re not invisible. You used invisible ink. That’s not how magic works, you glitter-soaked garden gnome.” Gnorbert blinked. “You say that like it’s an insult.” Petalwick sighed the sigh of someone who once saw a squirrel outwit a spell circle and still hasn’t recovered. “If this egg cracks before the ceremonial sunrise roll, we’ll have seven years of ugly crocus blooms and emotionally unavailable ducks.” “Better than last year’s pandemic of pastel moths and unseasoned deviled eggs,” Gnorbert muttered. “That was your spell, wasn’t it?” “That was your recipe book.” The two stared each other down while a trio of flower fairies took bets behind a daffodil. Gnorbert, still smug, patted his precious quilted egg, which gave a suspicious squish. His confidence faltered. Just a bit. “...That’s probably just the humidity,” he said. The egg squelched again. This, Gnorbert thought, might be a problem. Crack Me Up and Call It Spring The egg was sweating. Not metaphorically — no, Gnorbert had long since moved past poetic delusions and into the cold, damp reality of egg sweat. It glistened along the velvet petals like nervous dew on prom night. Gnorbert tried to casually rotate the egg, hoping maybe the wet patch was just—what? Condensation? Condemnation? “Petalwick,” he hissed through a forced smile, “did you... happen to cast a fertility amplification charm near the egg this year?” “Only in your general direction, as a curse,” Petalwick replied without missing a beat. “Why?” Gnorbert swallowed. “Because I think... it’s hatching.” A moment passed. The air thickened like expired marshmallow fluff. “It’s not that kind of egg,” Petalwick whispered, slowly backing away like a bunny who’d just realized the grass it was nibbling might actually be someone's vintage crochet centerpiece. But oh, it was exactly that kind of egg now. A faint chirping sound echoed from within — the kind of chirp that said, “Hi, I’m sentient, I’m confused, and I’m probably about to imprint on the first unstable gnome I see.” “YOU PUT A PHOENIX SPARK IN THE QUILT!” Petalwick shrieked. “I THOUGHT IT WAS A SPARKLY BUTTON!” Gnorbert bellowed back, arms flailing with glitter and denial. The egg began to glow. Vibrate. Hum like a sentient kazoo. And then, with the dramatic flair only an Easter phoenix chick could muster, it burst from the patchwork casing in a slow-motion explosion of lace, flower petals, and existential horror. The chick was... fabulous. Like Elton John had been reincarnated as a sentient marshmallow peep. Feathers of gold, eyes like disco balls, and an aura that screamed “I have arrived and I demand brunch.” “You magnificent disaster,” Petalwick muttered, shielding his eyes from the chick’s aggressive fabulousness. “I didn’t mean to incubate god,” Gnorbert whispered, which honestly, wasn’t the weirdest thing anyone had said that week. The chick locked eyes with Gnorbert. A bond was formed. A terrible, sparkly bond of destiny and regret. “You’re my mommy now,” the chick chirped, voice dripping with mischief and diva energy. “Of course I am,” Gnorbert said, deadpan, already regretting everything that led him to this moment. “Because the universe has a sense of humor, and apparently, I’m the punchline.” And so, Spring Hollow got a new tradition: the Great Hatching. Every year, gnomes from across the land came to witness the rebirth of the sparkly phoenix chick, who had somehow unionized the bunnies, taken over the flower scheduling committee, and demanded that all egg hunts include at least one drag performance and a cheese platter. Gnorbert? He stayed close to the egg. Mostly because he had to. The chick, now known as Glitterflame the Rejuvenator, had separation anxiety and a mean left peck. But also, deep down, Gnorbert kind of liked being the accidental godparent of Easter’s weirdest mascot. He even washed his hair. Once. And on quiet nights, when the chick was asleep and the air smelled faintly of jellybeans and slightly scorched dignity, Gnorbert would sip his carrot cider and murmur to no one in particular, “It was a good egg. Until it wasn’t.” And the flowers nodded, and the hat twitched, and the patchwork shimmered in the moonlight, waiting — always — for next spring’s chaos to begin again. Fin.     Bring Gnorbert Home If you're now emotionally entangled with a fabulous Easter chick and a mildly unhinged gnome, you're not alone. Luckily, you don’t have to wait until next spring to relive the chaos. The Quilted Egg Keeper is available in all its patchwork glory across a magical collection of merch that even Glitterflame approves of (after much dramatic flapping). ✨ Transform your walls with the Tapestry 🖼️ Give your gallery wall a gnome-sized glow-up with the Framed Print 🛋️ Cuddle chaos with a Throw Pillow that’s 100% eggplosion-proof 💌 Send joy (and maybe a warning) with a Greeting Card 🥚 Stick some seasonal sass anywhere with the official Sticker Shop now and celebrate the season with a little extra sparkle, sass, and stitchwork. Gnorbert would want you to. Glitterflame demands it.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Velvet Torque: The Rebel Fairy

The Midnight Kickstart It was quarter past midnight when the ground trembled under the neon-stained clouds of Feyridge. Somewhere between the scent of lavender oil and motor grease, a rumble echoed through the twisting alleys of the Clockwork Quarter. And at its center—revving the engine of a skull-studded motorcycle that glowed like it had secrets—was her. Velvet Torque. No one called her by her birth name anymore, mostly because nobody remembered it. She’d long since traded faerie dust and lullabies for horsepower and brass knuckles wrapped in satin. Her wings? Six-foot blades of iridescent artistry, sharper than half the swords in the Royal Guard’s arsenal. Her bunny ears? Absolutely real. A remnant of an ill-advised love affair with a shape-shifting rabbit prince. Don’t ask. Seriously—don’t. Tonight was not about exes or regrets. Tonight was about payback. She zipped up her corset, tucked a tiny dagger into her garter, and took one last pull on a glitter-infused cigarillo that smelled like cotton candy and vengeance. “Let’s ride, bitches,” she whispered to her bike, which hummed in response like a good familiar should. Her motorcycle, SugarSkull, wasn’t just sentient—it was gossipy. And petty. But it was loyal, and that was enough. Velvet’s mission? Crash the Grand Mechanist’s annual Gala of Gears and expose his not-so-little secret: he’d been siphoning magic from the Fae Forest to fuel his precious automaton army. Not cool. Also? He’d banned cupcakes from the city under some obscure ‘combustible icing’ ordinance. That was the final straw. With a booted foot in glitter-laced leather, she kicked SugarSkull into gear. Fire belched from the twin exhaust pipes shaped like fanged cherubs. The bike roared like a thunder god with a hangover as Velvet launched herself down the cobbled roads, wings flaring behind her like stained-glass war banners. As she tore past the bakeries and brothels of Gear Alley, patrons raised their glasses. “Go get him, Velvet!” someone shouted. Another yelled, “You still owe me ten gold for that tequila-fueled llama bet!” She winked. “Put it on my tab, darling.” Halfway through the city, a mechanical pigeon dive-bombed her with a royal summons. She swatted it mid-air. “Nice try, Tinker King,” she growled. “But I RSVP’d with a chainsaw.” By the time she reached the copper drawbridge to the palace gates, the guards had already pissed themselves. One of them dropped his halberd and fled. The other started reciting his resignation letter in haiku. Velvet revved her bike, licked a candy skull lollipop, and pulled out a compact mirror that doubled as a fireball grenade launcher. “You boys might wanna duck.” The Gala was about to get interesting… The Gala Gets Gutted The palace courtyard was glittering with mechanical peacocks and clockwork flamingos, all preening under the golden glow of suspended aether-lanterns. Guests in gear-studded gowns and velvet waistcoats sipped shimmering cocktails and exchanged pleasantries like this was just another Tuesday in the realm of the obscenely rich. That is, until SugarSkull launched itself through the ballroom’s stained-glass skylight like an angry comet driven by sass and spite. Velvet landed in the middle of a chocolate fondue fountain and immediately lit a firework cigar, sending rainbow sparks into a chandelier made entirely of enchanted hummingbirds. “Ladies, lords, and what-the-fork-ever that is,” she announced, pointing to a guest with three monocles and a nose-ring the size of a wagon wheel, “your gala has officially been canceled.” The crowd gasped. One duchess fainted. A goblin threw his shrimp cocktail at her. Velvet caught it mid-air, licked it, and tossed it over her shoulder. “Tastes like colonialism,” she muttered. The Grand Mechanist, a tower of steam-powered smugness in a top hat rigged with its own weather system, stepped forward with an oily sneer. “Ah, the infamous Velvet Torque,” he drawled. “To what do we owe this delightfully disruptive honor? Another petty vendetta, perhaps?” “Petty?” she scoffed. “You banned cupcakes, Barnaby.” “That’s Lord Barnaby—” “Nope,” Velvet snapped, pulling a scroll from her cleavage and unfolding it with theatrical flair. “By royal decree of Queen Shyla the Slightly Unhinged, and by order of the Underground Order of Sugar-Infused Justice, I am hereby authorized to deliver a magical audit, a sugar strike, and a vibe check.” Gasps again. Somewhere, a monocle popped dramatically. Velvet smirked. Lord Barnaby’s automaton guards surged forward—towering brass monsters with drills for hands and no sense of humor. Velvet cracked her knuckles. “Darling,” she purred to her reflection in a butter-slicked serving tray, “try not to completely demolish the architecture.” What followed was chaos married to choreography. Velvet spun through the ballroom like a disco banshee. Her wings sliced through gears and gearsmen alike, shedding glitter like weaponized confetti. She rode SugarSkull straight up a support beam, launched into the air, and hurled a molotov teacup right into Barnaby’s smug little weather hat, setting off a mini thunderstorm above his powdered wig. “That’s for the forest,” she hissed. “And that’s for banning sprinkles, you greasy goblin.” Within minutes, the gala had become a war zone of melted cheese wheels, collapsing candelabras, and confused nobles trying to crawl out of their own hoop skirts. Velvet landed beside a demolished hors d'oeuvres table, grabbed a stuffed mushroom, and stuffed it in her mouth while launching a smoke bomb shaped like a corsage. She strolled casually through the haze, collecting enchanted gears and whispering sweet threats to trembling guests. “Tell your friends. The Fey don’t forget. And we don’t forgive unsalted scones.” By the time Velvet reached the throne room, Lord Barnaby was hiding behind a statue of his mother. “You’ll never make it out!” he barked. “I’ll activate the failsafe! I’ll—” She held up a crystal cupcake. “This? This is the failsafe.” With a bite, the enchantment detonated—disabling every piece of machinery in the palace, turning the Mechanist’s army into a pile of sad scrap metal. Velvet sauntered up to him, her heels clicking like a countdown. “Now, say it,” she demanded. He gulped. “...Cupcakes are...magic.” “Damn right,” she grinned. “Now get out of my kingdom, Barnaby. And take your kale cookies with you.” With the palace now a glorious mess of frosting and revolution, Velvet mounted SugarSkull once more. The courtyard had filled with rebels, bakers, and winged misfits ready to take back their sugar-soaked city. Someone handed her a martini. Someone else handed her a puppy. She accepted both. “Where to next, boss?” SugarSkull asked, its dashboard lighting up like a rave. “Wherever the patriarchy still thinks pink can’t punch,” Velvet purred, revving the engine. “Let’s paint the world with glitter and gasoline.” With a trail of magic fire and the scent of spiced cupcakes behind her, Velvet Torque rode into legend, laughter echoing across the clouds. She was wild. She was whimsical. She was the moment. And damn, did she look good doing it.     💫 Bring Velvet Torque Home If this wild ride through steampunk mischief, magical rebellion, and unapologetic glam spoke to your inner troublemaker, we’ve got just the thing. “Velvet Torque: The Rebel Fairy” is available now as a selection of stunning, high-quality art products that bring her sass and sparkle right into your space: 🖼️ Wood Print – The perfect statement piece for any rebel's lair. 🧵 Tapestry – Bring bold, whimsical energy to your walls. 🛋️ Throw Pillow – Add a pop of power (and pink) to your space. 🧩 Puzzle – Piece together every bit of magic and mischief. 💌 Greeting Card – Send rebellious fairy vibes with flair. Power. Glitter. Wings. Now available in your living room.

Captured Tales – by Bill Tiepelman

Warchanter of the Forgotten Plains

The Chanter's Curse The Forgotten Plains hadn’t always been called that. Once, long ago, they were the Heartlands—sacred hunting grounds where the sky bled orange over rivers thick with fish, and stories walked like beasts across the grass. Now? Nothing but wind and dust. Even the ghosts had better places to be. And yet, something walked there still. Something unholy and unfinished. A skeleton made of jade-green bone, draped in the lion-flesh of an ancient god. Its skull grinned wide, forever mid-scream, eyes hollow and alight with the dying embers of a thousand cursed campfires. He was called the Warchanter, though no one living remembered his real name. The only ones who did were dead—or worse—and they didn’t speak his name. They choked on it. Once, he had been Heka’tul, the Singer of the Ninth Fire. Born of women who chewed obsidian for strength and men who carved lullabies into bone flutes. A prodigy, raised in blood and rhythm, he sang not just songs but storms. He made war drums tremble with shame. He could call forth wolves, command men to die smiling, and bend sky to his throat. His voice wasn’t a gift. It was a weapon. And like every weapon left too long in hungry hands, it got used wrong. It started with the Lion Trial—an ancient rite reserved for the tribe’s chosen god-flesh. Heka’tul wasn’t chosen. He took it anyway. He smeared himself in crushed mushrooms and animal fear, marched naked under the eclipse, and chanted a song so raw it peeled skin from nearby trees. And when the lion came—massive, golden, divine—he didn’t worship it. He ripped its throat out with his teeth, howled through the blood spray, and crowned himself king with its skull. The elders begged the spirits for vengeance. The spirits laughed. “He wants power?” they said. “Then he’ll have it. Forever.” So they cursed him—not with death, but with unending purpose. The Warchanter wouldn’t rot. Wouldn’t sleep. Wouldn’t forget. He would walk, every night, through the wasteland he created, carrying the weight of every soul he silenced with song. His voice was stolen, replaced by the hum of cursed wind. His throat glows with emerald fire, an open wound in the fabric of time. His ribs pulse like drums beaten by unseen hands. And that lion’s head? It’s not a helmet. It’s alive, twitching, snarling, gnashing invisible prey. Sometimes it weeps. Sometimes it laughs. He wears a headdress made of feathers dipped in warrior blood, each one plucked from a soul he personally unmade. They don’t blow in the breeze. They twitch with breathless agony, trapped between silence and scream. The air around him stinks of old ash, blood dust, and the kind of fear that makes animals miscarry. Legends say he appears to those who break pacts—oathbreakers, cowards, false prophets. One minute you're just a fool, lying to a lover or spitting on tradition. Next? You hear the sound. Not a chant. Not a growl. Something in between. A throatless rhythm. A dirge hummed by the dirt. It starts in your spine and ends in your soul, and then… he’s there. Standing. Watching. Chanting without sound. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t need to. Your bones hear him just fine. And then, oh yes, then—he sings. And your body unlearns how to stay whole. He leaves behind nothing but broken drums, shattered teeth, and footprints shaped like question marks. The lucky ones are found hollowed out, green-veined, eyes wide. The unlucky? They join him. Another bone. Another beat in the endless fucking song. Out here, on the plains that forgot themselves, time and memory don’t hold. But the Warchanter? He holds just fine. He holds everything.     The Bone Chant Never Ends By the time you hear the drumbeat, it's already too late. It doesn’t come from behind you or from some distant ridge. It comes from inside you—from your marrow. You don’t know whether it’s panic or prophecy, but your knees buckle, your guts twist, and you shit yourself without shame. The Forgotten Plains do that. The Warchanter does that. Three warbands had come through this stretch over the last decade—mercs, scavengers, faith-fueled zealots. None of them made it past the dead river. Bones were found gnawed to dust. Their weapons melted into the soil like sugar. Not rusted. Melted. As if the earth itself wanted no memory of their hubris. But the real horror wasn’t what was left. It was what wasn’t. See, when the Warchanter takes you, you don’t just die. You’re recycled. He pulls the voice from your soul like peeling gum from the bottom of a shoe—slow, sticky, and humiliating. You scream, but it comes out as birdsong, or flute notes, or worse—one guy croaked out a child’s lullaby until his lungs turned to smoke. And then? Then the Warchanter opens his chest cavity like a fucking cabinet, and he stores that sound inside him. Your fear becomes a verse. Your pain becomes percussion. You are the chant now. There’s a place, halfway to the center of the Plains, where the soil is red and soft. Locals call it The Mouth. You’d be stupid to go there. But if you do—and if you dig—you’ll find the instruments. Hundreds of them. Flutes carved from shin bones, drums made of taut, stretched faces, rattles stuffed with teeth. And on each of them? A name. Burned in. Personal. Intimate. The Warchanter doesn’t kill you. He remembers you. And when he sings through one of those instruments, it’s not music. It’s confession. It’s every sin you ever buried, every moment you wished you’d kept your mouth shut. He plays you. In front of the gods. In front of the dead. And worse, in front of whoever you loved most. He doesn’t come every night. That would be mercy. No, he waits until you forget. When the campfire is warm, the food is good, and you’ve finally stopped checking over your shoulder. Then the wind stops. The air gets hot and wet. And the chant begins. No one’s ever escaped him. No one’s ever talked to him and lived. The ones who say they have? They’re just bones in waiting. Hollow people. Echoes with skin. The Warchanter doesn’t negotiate. He collects. He sings. He repeats. Some lunatics worship him now. They walk the Plains naked, carved up, painting his sigil in blood and shit. They say he’s the true god—the only one who listens. But he doesn’t listen. He doesn't care. He’s the punishment. He’s the noise after the silence. He’s the sound that breaks you. And when the world ends—not with fire, not with ice, but with an endless, throbbing rhythm—it’ll be him at the center of it. Chanting. Laughing. Bleeding music through a lion's skull under a dead sky. The Warchanter doesn’t stop. The song goes on. And on. And on.     “Warchanter of the Forgotten Plains” is available for prints, downloads, and licensing through our Dark Art Image Archive. Bring the legend to your wall—if you dare.