egg

by Bill Tiepelman

Overeasy and Overjoyed

Toast with the Most It was 7:03 AM in the Kingdom of Kitchenville, and Breakfast had just rolled out of bed — sticky, steamy, and undeniably over-easy. The toast was crisp, the air smelled like bacon regrets, and the royal flatware was already gossiping about last night’s wild fondue party. And in the middle of it all stood Sir Yolkmore the Moist — half-egg, half-enthusiasm, and entirely naked except for his buttery charm. With arms like undercooked breadsticks and feet that could double as hobbit cosplay, he stood on a throne of Wonder Bread, grinning like he’d just poached the Queen’s jam. “Another glorious morning to be sunny side up!” he bellowed, gripping his glistening yolk with both hands and letting it ooze seductively down his overjoyed face. The drip hit his lips like a protein smoothie with boundary issues. “Mmm. That’s the good goo.” A hush fell over the kitchen. Even the blender stopped mid-pulse. “Is he… is he milking himself again?” whispered a horrified teabag, quivering on the counter. “Shh,” replied a grizzled spatula. “He’s expressing his inner egg. It’s performance art.” Sir Yolkmore twirled, yolk flailing in a sticky arc. It splattered onto the tile like a Jackson Pollock made entirely of cholesterol and shame. Somewhere in the pantry, an avocado fainted. “To be soft in the center,” he shouted to no one in particular, “is the true power! Hard-boiled hearts make for limp love lives!” At that exact moment, a Pop-Tart screamed from the toaster. “Incoming!” Sir Yolkmore barely dodged the pastry missile, leaping to the left with the kind of grace only possessed by fried things that know their days are numbered. “Jealousy burns hot,” he muttered, licking a trail of yolk from his pecs. “Strawberry envy. So tart, so angry.” Suddenly, the cabinet doors flung open. Enter: **Lady Margarine**, slick, spreadable, and morally ambiguous. Her butter-knife heels clicked seductively as she slinked toward him. “You look… well-oiled, darling,” she purred, trailing a finger across his golden rim. “I could melt just looking at you.” “Then let’s turn up the heat,” he grinned, yolk now dangerously close to NSFW territory. “But first, I need you to butter me up. I have toast to conquer.” Lady Margarine gasped. “You scoundrel. You know what that does to my spread rate.” “That’s the plan, buttercup.” And just like that, he lunged. She slipped. The counter quivered. The blender whimpered. And breakfast got... weirdly personal. The Sticky Truth Beneath the Crust By mid-morning, the kitchen was in absolute chaos. A spatula had retired in protest. The blender joined a union. And the Pop-Tarts were plotting a revolution with the Instant Oatmeal packets—who were, let’s be honest, just happy to be included. Sir Yolkmore emerged from under the disheveled remains of a casserole dish, glistening with grease and victorious shame. Lady Margarine was nowhere to be seen—rumor had it she slid off with a croissant who claimed to be “flaky but emotionally available.” “All I wanted,” Yolkmore whispered, “was to feel... spreadable.” His yolk, now dangerously low from excessive dramatic dribbling, threatened to collapse entirely. Without his sunny center, he was just another fried egg with dreams too big for his skillet. But just when he thought it was over—just when the crumbs of destiny were blowing off the cutting board of fate—**a knock echoed from the fridge.** It was soft. Rhythmic. Chilling. Knock. Knock. Knock. Yolkmore scrambled upright. “Who dares disturb my descent into yolklessness?” The fridge door creaked open… and from the frosty shadows emerged a figure wrapped in plastic wrap, eyes glinting with cold storage trauma. It was... **Leftover Meatloaf Carl.** “You’re not finished, eggman,” Carl rasped, steam rising off his oddly sensual gravy patches. “There’s one more toast to butter. One last drip to squeeze.” Yolkmore's pupils dilated—whether from passion, fear, or cholesterol was unclear. “But… I’m leaking, Carl. I’m all dripped out.” Meatloaf Carl slapped him—firm, wet, emotional. “Then you better find another yolk, fast. This kitchen’s got a new order coming in, and if you’re not sizzling, you’re scrapped.” Just then, from above, a golden glow filled the kitchen. Time stopped. Or maybe it was just the microwave clock resetting after a power flicker. Regardless—it was *him.* Descending on a spatula like a breakfast messiah, the glowing orb of perfection. Yolk Prime, the Cosmic Breakfast. All yolk. No shell. Alpha to Omelet. “Sir Yolkmore,” boomed the celestial custard of life, “You’ve dripped far and wide. But your journey isn’t over. You are the chosen one. You must become... Eggstacy Incarnate.” And with a glorious squish, Yolk Prime embedded itself directly into Yolkmore’s face. There was a flash of golden light, a sound not unlike a balloon humping a leather sofa, and then… silence. The transformation was complete. Sir Yolkmore rose, radiant and terrifying. More yolk than man. The kind of breakfast that gets whispered about on adult brunch menus. “Call me… Lord Drizzle.” Appliances wept. Spoons trembled. The Pop-Tarts surrendered unbuttered. And as the sun rose above Kitchenville, one thing was certain— Breakfast would never be safe again.     Crumbs of the Crown Years passed. Or maybe it was just a few microwave cycles. Time gets weird in the kitchen when you’re immortalized in cholesterol and glory. Lord Drizzle—once Sir Yolkmore, bearer of chaos and barely cooked boundaries—now ruled over the Kingdom of Kitchenville with a yolky fist and a buttery grin. Gone were the days of wild drips and breakfast-based innuendo (well, mostly gone). In their place: order, dignity, and artisanal sourdough policies. He kept the peace through regular yolk blessings and mandatory brunch orgies—er, *gatherings*—involving maple syrup and the occasional consensual kiwi. Lady Margarine returned briefly, now rebranded as Plant-Based Pam. Their reunion was steamy, slippery, and ended in emotional toast. “We’re from different spreads now,” she’d whispered, wiping away a tear with a gluten-free cracker. “But I’ll always remember your sizzle.” Lord Drizzle would often stand by the window at night, gazing out across the stovetop kingdom, his yolk glowing faintly under the soft light of the fridge bulb. He’d think of the old days—of sticky floors, reckless splatters, and dreams of being more than just a side dish. Now, he was the main course. And sometimes—just sometimes—he’d let a single drop of yolk escape, sliding sensually down his golden cheek like a buttery tear. Not out of sadness. But because even now… he was still just a little overeasy and overjoyed. Fin.     Bring Lord Drizzle Home 🍳 If this yolky legend made you laugh, cringe, or question your relationship with breakfast foods, you can now make him part of your own kingdom. “Overeasy and Overjoyed” by Bill and Linda Tiepelman is available as a gloriously unhinged art piece in multiple formats: Framed Print – Class up your walls with a little greasy royalty. Acrylic Print – As glossy as his yolk, as bold as his ego. Metal Print – Breakfast never looked this badass in brushed aluminum. Wood Print – For a rustic, earthy vibe to match your surreal food worship. Whether you're into food puns, absurdist art, or just enjoy a little chaos with your coffee, this piece is a perfect addition to your collection. Hang it. Gift it. Worship it. Just don’t try to eat it.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Eternal Easter of the Enchanted Glade

In a corner of the world untouched by time, where the sun sings a chorus with the earth's verdure, there is a glade—an ethereal expanse where Easter is not merely a day, but a perpetual hymn of rebirth. Here, the dawn of Easter unfurls not with the subtlety of a whisper, but with the profound resonance of an orchestra's crescendo, bringing with it a divine light that inaugurates the season's benediction. As the first rays of the Easter morning breach the nocturnal veil, the forest awakens with a sense of anticipation. Creatures, great and small, feel the stirring of something grand. At the epicenter of this anticipation stands a marvel: The Egg's Benediction: A Hymn of Easter Morning. This egg, a beacon amid the awakening wilds, is adorned with fractal patterns that reflect the spring's embrace. Legends speak of its lines, each a tale of renewal, its contours holding the secrets of life's persistent march forward. Around it, the field vibrates with life: smaller eggs, arrayed like jewels amongst the flowering tapestry, each one a testament to the splendor of the spring season. The valley, known amongst the few who have beheld it as The Gilded Eggs of the Mountain Meadow, is a place where the morning dew retains the earth's warmth, and the sunlight's playful dance with the mist seems like a choreographed ballet. In this pastoral theatre, the The Opulent Egg: Nature's Artistic Heart, commands the meadow, standing guard as the flora and fauna pay their respects to the day. The creatures, each in their celebratory plumage, contribute to the Easter chorus, a melody of life's richness and art's imitation of nature. Children, who by some gentle twist of fate, find their way to this enchanted place, giggle amongst the blooms, their laughter an addition to the Easter hymn. They play in the shadows of the sunbeams, each touch, each step, each breath part of the sacred rite of Easter's celebration. At noon, when the sun crowns the sky, the forest bows in a moment of stillness. The Egg's Coronation by Daybreak is observed—a silent prayer to the continuity of life and the splendor of existence. The grand egg, a vessel of the universe's secrets, shines with a knowing light, a beacon to the infinite cycle of endings and beginnings. As the sun's arc descends, and the The Gilded Eggs of the Mountain Meadow begin to radiate with their own inner light, the children gather. Their hearts are heavy with the day's joy, their spirits lifted by the magic of the glade. They know this is a moment of farewell, yet within them, the memory of the eggs—the symbols of Easter's perpetual grace—will endure. The day's last light casts long shadows and the The Egg's Benediction transitions into a twilight lullaby. As the children step beyond the glade's boundary, the image of the radiant eggs softly dims, leaving behind a lingering promise of their return next Easter, in the heart of the enchanted meadow where the dawn's light is forever golden, and spring’s song never ends. Later That Night... As the chorus of Easter morning fades into the whispered lullabies of twilight, the enchanted glade embraces the tranquility of night. The jubilant glow that bathed the valley in gold and amber now gives way to the velvety hues of dusk. Easter night descends, not with sorrow for the day that has passed, but with the quiet anticipation of the secrets only it can unfold. The opulent eggs that once basked in the sunlight now rest in the protective shadow of the night. They are not abandoned; the stars themselves descend to keep vigil, their silver light adorning each egg with a celestial luminescence. The largest egg, the heart of the day's festivities, now stands as a sentinel, its intricate patterns a testament to the day's joy, softly illuminated by the gentle kiss of moonlight. In the night, the meadow transforms. Fireflies emerge, tiny beacons that dance between the flowers and eggs, a mirror to the starry sky above. The floral perfume is richer now, a heady scent that fills the air with each gentle breeze that whispers through the valley. The nocturnal creatures of the glade, each a part of this Easter narrative, move with a reverence for the hallowed ground, their eyes reflecting the soft glow of the moon and stars. From somewhere deep within the woods, an owl heralds the depth of night, its call a benediction for the dreams to come. The children, who reveled in the light, now slumber in their beds, their minds alight with visions of the day. In their dreams, they return to the meadow, where the grand egg promises that the magic of Easter is not confined to the day, but endures in the heart of every child, in every gleam of starlight, in the endless cycle of night and day. The story of Easter night is not one of endings but of continuous wonder, a promise that as long as there are those who believe in the rebirth and magic it signifies, it will continue to be retold, not just in the glade, but everywhere that hearts and minds are open to the whispers of a spring night's dream.

by Bill Tiepelman

The Grand Tapestry of Easter Dawn

In the valley of Aurelia, where legend wove with the threads of reality, there existed a meadow so vibrant it seemed a piece borrowed from paradise itself. Here, the Grand Tapestry of Spring unfurled its beauty, woven not from thread, but from the very essence of the season. At the heart of this tableau was an egg of colossal splendor, etched with the delicate tracery of nature's hand, a relic of spring's rebirth and Easter's promise. Each Easter morn, as tradition held, the people of Aurelia would gather in the meadow, their eyes alight with silent wonder, their hearts beating in tune with the earth’s quiet anticipation. They believed this egg, adorned with the softest pastels and intricate lace of petals and leaves, was the guardian of spring's secrets, a sacred vessel filled with the joys of new beginnings. Liora, now not just an artist, but a keeper of traditions, had inherited the lore of the egg from her grandmother. With her, she carried a basket woven from the willow's whisper and lined with the down of the first goslings of the year. In it were dyes made from the crushed violets of the last winter snow, the gold of the sun's first light, and the green of the freshest spring leaf. These were the colors with which the villagers would paint smaller eggs, offerings to the grandeur of Easter's dawn. As the first light of Easter broke the horizon, it bathed the Grand Egg in a glow that was neither of sun nor moon but something ethereal. Liora and the villagers watched as the egg’s patterns swirled, a kaleidoscope of dreams spun into existence. It was said that to observe these patterns was to witness the dance of life itself, an endless waltz of blooming and fading, of endings giving birth to beginnings. With each passing moment, the valley seemed to inhale deeply, embracing the warmth, and on its breath out, the meadow blossomed. From the egg’s essence, butterflies emerged, their wings carrying the same elaborate designs that graced the egg's shell. They fluttered among the people, enchanting children and adults alike, weaving between painted eggs and laughter. This was no mere Easter hunt for sweets or games; it was a celebration of life's perennial tapestry. Liora painted, not on canvas this time, but alongside the villagers on the shells of eggs, each a microcosm of the Grand Tapestry, a personal testament to the enchantment of the valley. And as the sun climbed higher, the Grand Egg shimmered with a divine luminescence, a beacon calling forth the spirit of Easter — a time of remembrance, of reverence for life, and a shared joy in the eternal cycle of renewal. The story of "The Grand Tapestry of Easter Dawn" thus grew longer, its narrative a gentle river that flowed through the heart of Aurelia, touching every soul with its pure waters. It reminded all who heard it that Easter was not just a day, but a living mosaic of moments, a vibrant celebration woven into the very fabric of the earth.     Immerse yourself in the enchantment of Easter with The Grand Tapestry of Spring Poster. This isn't merely a poster; it's a window to the Aurelia valley, where the legend of Easter unfolds in vibrant hues and intricate patterns that tell of life's renewal and joy. Each stroke, each color, encapsulates the essence of the Grand Egg, a symbol of unity and the circle of life that Aurelia celebrates. Perfect for adorning your living space or as a thoughtful Easter gift, this poster carries the spirit of the community dance, the laughter of children on the egg hunt, and the serene beauty of the meadow. Let it be a reminder of the joyous moments shared with loved ones, and the beauty of traditions that weave the tapestry of our lives. With every glance, let the poster invite you into the heart of the celebration, to dance in the meadow of Aurelia, and to feel the warmth of the Easter sunrise. It's more than art; it's an experience, a piece of the valley's soul brought into your home. Carry a piece of the Easter magic wherever you go with The Grand Tapestry of Spring Stickers. These stickers are more than just adornments; they're fragments of the Grand Egg itself, each design a reflection of the egg's majestic patterns, imbued with the essence of spring's rebirth. Embellish your notebooks, laptops, and personal items with these stickers to bring a touch of Aurelia’s enchantment into your daily life. Let each sticker remind you of the valley's vibrant meadow, the unity of the dance, and the thrill of discovery on an Easter egg hunt. It's a way to keep the spirit of renewal and the joy of the season alive, all year round. With the The Grand Tapestry of Spring Stickers, you're not just decorating an object; you're infusing it with the lore and beauty of an age-old tradition that celebrates life, community, and the endless cycle of beginnings. Let these stickers be your personal talisman of joy and creativity, a small yet potent connection to the wider, wonderful world of Aurelia.