The Hippie’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions
Another year, another trip around the sun. That’s what I told myself as I sat on my meditation pillow in the corner of my living room, incense smoke curling around me like the mystical tendrils of my free-spirited youth. “New Year’s resolutions,” I muttered to my cat, Cosmic Steve, who blinked at me with the detached wisdom of a being that had seen me at my worst—like that time I tried to ferment my own kombucha in 1987 and ended up with a kitchen that smelled like a Woodstock porta-potty.
I scratched my beard, now streaked with a respectable amount of gray, and pondered the challenge ahead. Resolutions. They were like trying to quit sugar while holding a box of organic vegan brownies—technically good for you, but still painfully hard. “Okay, Steve,” I said, “this year, I’m gonna be serious about it. No more excuses.”
Resolution #1: Eat Healthier
I dusted off an old juicer I’d bought at a yard sale in 1993. It had probably made juice for some long-lost commune in Oregon, judging by the faint smell of patchouli oil that still clung to it. I tossed in some kale, a carrot, and an apple for good measure. The juicer roared like an angry bear, spitting out what looked like swamp water. I took a sip, grimaced, and immediately followed it with a shot of tequila. Cosmic Steve looked at me as if to say, “You’ve learned nothing.”
Resolution #2: Exercise More
“Yoga,” I decided, rolling out a mat I’d bought in the 70s. It had more stains on it than a tie-dye shirt at a Grateful Dead concert. I stretched into downward dog, which quickly devolved into downward nap. Somewhere between child’s pose and corpse pose, I dozed off, only to wake up an hour later to the sound of Steve pawing at the juicer. Exercise was off to a rough start. “Maybe tomorrow,” I said, as I shuffled to the couch to watch reruns of That 70’s Show.
Resolution #3: Be More Tech-Savvy
This one was Cosmic Steve’s idea. Or at least I assumed so, given the way he always walked across my keyboard while I tried to Google “how to live off the grid in 2024.” I decided to finally set up a TikTok account to spread my hippie wisdom to the masses. It didn’t go well. My first video, titled “How to Make Macramé Dreamcatchers for Your Third Eye,” got exactly three views—one of which was me trying to figure out how to delete it. “Social media’s a trap, man,” I told Steve. He didn’t disagree.
Resolution #4: Be More Organized
I bought a planner. A really nice one with floral patterns and inspirational quotes like “The journey is the reward.” I promptly forgot where I put it. When I finally found it—underneath a pile of vinyl records—I realized I’d written “PLAN LIFE” on January 1st and nothing else. “This is fine,” I told myself. “Free spirits can’t be confined by calendars.”
The New Year’s Epiphany
By the end of the first week, my resolutions had devolved into vague intentions, like “maybe eat less cheese” and “think about jogging.” But then, during one of my evening meditations (okay, fine, I was lying on the couch with a glass of wine and some Pink Floyd), it hit me.
Why was I trying so hard to be someone I wasn’t? I’d spent decades perfecting the art of being an old hippie soul. Resolutions were just societal constructs, man. They were like clocks and taxes—arbitrary rules meant to box us in. “Screw it, Steve,” I said. “My resolution is to keep being me.”
The Final Lesson
So here’s the deal: I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t run a marathon, and my TikTok career is probably dead before it started. But I did reconnect with the things that make me happy—sunsets, vinyl records, and the occasional questionable kombucha experiment. And maybe that’s what resolutions are really about. Not changing who you are, but doubling down on the parts of you that are already groovy.
Happy New Year, man. May your vibes be good and your resolutions be optional.
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