Cheese Me Daddy

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Bloomkeeper's Lamb

The Garden That Grew Itself Somewhere between where the map ends and where afternoon naps become time travel, there’s a village so small it fits in a pocket dimension — or at least inside the walls of Mrs. Tattersham’s overgrown back garden. Nobody really *moves* there. People just show up with suitcases they don't remember packing and an odd craving for elderflower cordial. They call it Hushmoor Hollow. Now, Hushmoor was known for many things: silent goats, whispering fences, and that one Tuesday when it rained marmalade (don’t ask). But mostly, it was known for the Garden That Grew Itself — a spectacular riot of peonies, roses, and things with far too many vowels in their botanical names, blooming entirely out of sync with the seasons and sometimes in sync with showtunes. No one admitted to tending it. The mayor (a retired opera singer named Dennis) insisted it was “self-cultivating,” though he did once get caught pruning the azaleas while singing to them in Italian. But the truth — the real, whispered-at-tea-time truth — was this: the garden belonged to the Bloomkeeper. And the Bloomkeeper’s lamb? She was a fluffball of inconvenient mysteries. Imagine a lamb. Not your average field-hopper. This one’s wool swirled in tight little curls like spun sugar, shifting hues depending on the angle of the sun or whether you’d said anything cynical lately. She smelled faintly of peppermint and improbable hope. Her eyes? Far too intelligent for someone who frequently licked tree bark like it owed her money. Her name was Luma, and she arrived one spring evening precisely 14 minutes after Hushmoor’s last clock stopped ticking. She simply walked out from the thickest bloom of moon-roses and looked at the villagers like they were the surprise, not her. No one knew where she came from. But the garden grew twice as fast after she appeared. And twice as weird. Within a week, the begonias started forming synchronized dance formations. Bees spoke in haiku. Dennis was abducted briefly by a very polite mushroom (he came back smelling of tea and thunderclaps). And Luma? She just stood there, blinking slowly, like she was waiting for someone to finally read the instructions. Then the dreams started. Dreams of distant bells, ancient keys, and doors made entirely of petals. Everyone in Hushmoor had them, though no one spoke of it aloud, because — well — that's how things work in magical villages held together by gossip and curiosity. One morning, a letter appeared under Luma’s hooves. It was written in gold ink and smelled like elderflower and ambition. The note read: “You are late. The Bloomkeeper is missing. Please report to the Seventh Gate immediately. And bring the lamb.” Luma blinked twice. Then, turning with an alarming sense of purpose for someone shaped like a marshmallow, she trotted toward the forest edge. Nobody moved. Nobody spoke. Until Dennis, back from his fungal escapade, said: “Well, bollocks. I guess we’re going adventuring, then.” And that’s how the village, the lamb, and a great deal of gardening equipment found themselves heading into a realm they didn’t know existed, to find someone they weren’t sure was real… led by a pastel-colored mystery with a peppermint-scented butt. The Seventh Gate (And Other Unwise Landscaping) The party was seven strong: Dennis, who insisted on bringing opera binoculars despite lacking an opera; Miss Turnwell, the village baker with a suspicious knowledge of swordplay; two identical twins named Ivy who communicated exclusively in interpretive sneezes; young Pip, who had recently turned into a flower for an afternoon and come back oddly confident; a shovel named Gregor (don’t ask); and of course, Luma — the pastel lamb with a gaze like she remembered your childhood secrets. They followed her through the forest, which was less a forest and more a polite riot of sentient topiary. The hedges whispered things like “left at the mushrooms” or “have you seen my comb?” and nobody seemed to question it. Luma never faltered. Her tiny hooves barely touched the mossy floor as if the earth was giving her a gentle push with each step. The Seventh Gate turned out to be a large wrought iron arch nestled between two ancient willow trees, with glowing vines spelling out the words: “If You’re Reading This, It’s Probably Too Late.” It gave off the exact vibe of a place that had opinions about who was worthy — or at the very least, a strong interest in dramatic timing. “Shall we knock?” Dennis asked, before the gate sighed audibly and swung open on its own, revealing… a hallway. Not a garden path or a mystical realm. Just a dimly lit hallway that looked like it had been designed by someone who once ate a candle and thought, “Yes. This should be a vibe.” They stepped inside, and immediately, their thoughts got louder. Not verbally — mentally. Pip’s inner monologue began narrating everyone’s actions in a dramatic voice (“Dennis brandishes his opera glasses, bold but emotionally conflicted!”), while one of the Ivys projected continuous images of extremely disappointed grandparents. Miss Turnwell’s brain kept chanting “There is no muffin. There is only the jam.” over and over. Only Luma seemed unfazed. She trotted down the corridor as the very walls shimmered with blooming vines and smells that didn’t exist in the normal world — scents like “first kiss in spring rain” and “cherry pie left on a windowsill for someone who never came home.” At the end of the corridor was a room. Round. Bright. Floating somewhere between “luxury greenhouse” and “witch’s conservatory.” And at the center, reclining on a throne made entirely of thistles and chamomile, was the Bloomkeeper. Or… what was left of her. She looked like someone had pressed ‘pause’ halfway through turning into a constellation. Stars blinked from her cheeks, vines curled through her hair, and her voice sounded like bees politely holding a meeting. “You're late,” she said, eyes on Luma. “I expected you… two blooms ago.” Luma snorted. Loudly. A tiny peony popped from her wool and bounced across the floor. No one knew what that meant, but the Bloomkeeper smiled — that kind of smile that might turn into lightning or forgiveness, depending on how you held it. “They came with you,” she said, gesturing toward the awkward line of villagers now pretending to know how to stand heroically. “That changes things.” “What things?” asked Pip, nervously adjusting a petal that had mysteriously sprouted from his collarbone. The Bloomkeeper stood, her vines curling gently around her arms like living lace. “The garden is no longer content with itself,” she said. “It wants… out.” A moment passed. A deep, root-stirring silence. “Out… of what?” Dennis asked slowly. “Out of here,” she whispered, tapping her temple. “Out of dreams and into streets. Into cities. Into poems written in chalk and hearts that forgot to water themselves.” Luma bleated. The Bloomkeeper nodded. Then, without warning, she unraveled — not in a sad way. More like she’d turned into wind and light and something older than both. In her place stood a mirror. Inside it: a garden. Wild. Blooming. Alive. And waiting. Underneath, a message etched in petals: “To tend a garden like this, you must first break open.” The mirror rippled. And Luma walked through it. The others stood, blinking, unsure. Until Ivy (or was it the other Ivy?) took Pip’s hand and stepped in after her. Then Miss Turnwell. Then Gregor the shovel (still don’t ask). One by one, they entered — shedding old fears like petals on the wind. Only Dennis hesitated. He looked back once, toward the place they'd come from — the cozy, bizarre little village of Hushmoor. Then forward, into the blooming unknown. He straightened his jacket, adjusted his opera glasses, and said: “Right. Let’s garden some chaos.” And with that, the gate closed behind them. But somewhere in Hushmoor, the flowers still danced. And if you looked closely, you’d see new ones blooming — ones that hadn’t existed before. Ones shaped like memory, mischief… and a little lamb’s hoofprint in the soil.     Epilogue: The Hoofprint and the Hush Years passed, as they do — irregularly, if you're in Hushmoor — and the village changed in ways that no one could quite measure. The fences no longer whispered (they sang now, mostly jazz standards), and the marmalade rain had become seasonal rather than spontaneous. The garden remained, impossibly alive, though no one pruned it anymore. It pruned itself, occasionally into the shapes of things not yet invented. Flowers bloomed in languages. Peonies opened to reveal keys, poems, and once, a tiny pair of socks labeled “emotional backup.” And every so often, someone new would appear. Not move in — just appear. Standing at the gate with grass in their shoes and a look like they’d accidentally remembered a dream. They would walk through the village, take tea with Miss Turnwell (still the baker, now also a semi-retired wand instructor), and eventually find themselves near the mirror — now standing proudly at the edge of the garden, framed by twining lavender and a little sign that read: “Proceed if you wish to bloom unbegracefully.” No one saw Luma again in quite the same way. But every full moon, the flowers would bend toward the horizon, as if listening. And in the morning, there’d always be a single perfect hoofprint in the soil. Right at the gate. It smelled faintly of peppermint. And impossible hope. Somewhere out there, beyond mirror and vine, the Bloomkeeper’s Lamb still wandered. Growing gardens in people’s hearts. Snorting at overly serious poets. And making sure no one — not even the most cynical, root-bound soul — forgot that they, too, were meant to bloom. The End. Sort of.     If the story lingered in your chest like a dream you’re not ready to wake from, you can bring a piece of Hushmoor Hollow home. The Bloomkeeper’s Lamb is available as a framed print to enchant your walls, a metal print that gleams like moonlit garden gates, a throw pillow to cuddle like a slightly mysterious pastel companion, and even a fleece blanket — warm enough to ward off even the most cryptic chills. Let your space bloom with whimsy and wonder, one hoofprint at a time.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Brave Little Liar

Fin It to Win It Deep in the tepid shallows of the neighborhood koi pond—not even a proper lake, mind you—swam a goldfish with delusions far grander than his gallon-sized existence allowed. His name? Morty. Short for Mortimer T. Bubbleton III, if you asked him, though nobody ever did. Morty wasn’t your average ornamental peasant, content to dart between pebbles and wait for toddler fingers to drop pellets from above. No, Morty had ambition. And, more dangerously, he had imagination. “I wasn’t born to swish around with these soggy yes-fish,” he muttered one morning, as he flared his gills at his own reflection in a pond-filter bubble. “I was born to terrorize the tides. I was born to make the ducks flee.” And so, with a DIY spirit usually reserved for frustrated dads in garages and underpaid Etsy sellers, Morty strapped on a shark fin. Not a digital dream, not a Photoshop gag—an actual foam-core dorsal, painted battleship gray, affixed to his slimy gold frame with a bit of lost Velcro and a single shoelace. How it stayed on is a mystery best left to aquatic gods or science fiction. At first, the pond erupted in chaos. The minnows squealed (yes, audibly), the frogs fled to the reeds, and even a particularly judgy heron reconsidered his lunch plans. Morty felt it. That glorious, terrifying power. He wasn’t Morty anymore. He was Megalofish. The Finomenon. King of the chlorinated swamp! “Bow before me, you algae-humping cowards!” he bellowed, though it came out more like *blub-blub-snort-gargle*. Still, the message landed. But as the days passed, Morty realized that power came with, shall we say, logistical challenges. For starters, the fin dragged like a sunken brick. His signature tail flick was reduced to a sad little wiggle, and his stealth factor was effectively zero. Any stealth was out the window the moment the fin hit the surface and cut a dark triangle of terror across the water. He was a floating warning label: “Might be overcompensating.” And the koi—those slow, sashimi-colored nobodies—began to talk. Whisper, gossip, giggle behind their gills. “Who does he think he is?” sneered Bubbles, a koi with the personality of a beige carpet. “It’s not even saltwater.” “That’s not even his fin,” added another, who once tried to mate with a decorative rock and now fancied herself an intellectual. But Morty didn’t care. He had something more dangerous than credibility—he had delusion and audacity, which, in the right combination, could move mountains or at least knock over a moderately tall water lily. Then came the day the humans noticed. Oh yes. The human child, in his grubby Crocs and marshmallow-sticky hands, squatted by the pond, eyes wide as sewer lids. “Mom,” he screeched. “There’s a shark in the pond!” And Morty, oh sweet, ridiculous Morty, surfaced with dramatic flair. Fin cutting the surface. Pose immaculate. Gaze fierce. He was a badass. He was a beast. He was... netted immediately and dumped in a fishbowl for observation. The fall was fast. The bowl was small. The delusion? Still very, very large. “They had to remove me,” Morty rationalized, swirling dramatically against the glass. “Too powerful for containment. Too dangerous. I was a threat to the balance of nature. And the ducks.” He would return. He would rise again. With a bigger fin. A better strap. Maybe even a second fin. Who said sharks only get one? And somewhere, deep in the pond’s silent reeds, the koi whispered nervously. Because they knew— Morty was full of crap… but damn it, sometimes crap floats. The Return of the Fin King Morty spent four full days swirling in that sad, little glass bowl like some kind of imprisoned celebrity—part sideshow attraction, part cautionary tale. The humans poked, filmed, and posted his every motion. “Goldfish with shark fin! 😂 #TinyTerror #FakeAF”. Millions of views. Millions of laughs. And still, Morty plotted. Oh yes. Beneath the filter’s hum and beside a tiny ceramic pirate chest, revenge simmered like pondscum in July. “Laugh it up, land apes,” he muttered, gnawing a flake of food with the quiet rage of a disgraced general. “But I will return. And this time, I’m bringing teeth.” Day five, Morty made his move. Under cover of toddler nap time, a careless elbow tipped the bowl. He rode the wave like Poseidon in a Vegas stunt show, flopping gloriously onto the linoleum, screaming (internally) all the way. The humans panicked. Shrieks. Towels. Tears. One of them yelled something about “emotional damage to the child.” Morty just gasped and blinked like an Oscar-winner in a dying scene—pure drama, pure manipulation. He survived. Again. And with great triumph came great reward: they released him back into the pond. **HIS** pond. The prodigal fin had returned. But things had changed. The koi had leveled up. One had a decorative tattoo—just algae, but the effect was vaguely intimidating. Another now spoke in cryptic philosophical riddles after binge-floating near the garden Buddha. And worst of all, someone had installed a plastic alligator head in the water to “keep the birds away.” As if that would scare Morty the Menace. He needed a new plan. A bigger splash. So he doubled down on everything. Two fins now—one dorsal, one tail. He crafted them from a child’s broken flip-flop and a tiny action figure’s shield. Resourceful. Trashy. Perfect. With hot glue stolen from a garage cobweb and bits of string, Morty rigged himself into a full-blown aquatic warrior. Think Mad Max, but fishier and less vegan. He emerged like an absolute lunatic—tail thrashing, fins wobbling, eyes bugged like a sleep-deprived tax auditor. The pond erupted. Frogs dove. Minnows screamed. The koi? They froze. There was no denying it: he looked insane. “I AM MORTY, BRINGER OF CHAOS,” he bellowed. “I HAVE ASCENDED. I AM TWO-FINNED NOW.” “You look like a floating garage sale,” someone whispered. “EAT MY BUBBLES,” Morty screamed back. But this time, something weird happened. The fear? It didn’t fade—it mutated. They weren’t just laughing at him now. They were respecting the madness. Koi started mimicking his movements. A turtle did a lap in his honor. Even the heron gave him a single, slow nod from across the yard—predator to predator. Or, you know, predator to deeply confused maniac with a plastic fin complex. Still. It counted. The pond had changed. But so had Morty. He wasn’t just pretending anymore. The line between bluff and belief had dissolved. He was the fin. The delusion had become identity. And identity? That’s power, baby. Now, when the human child squats by the pond, marshmallow residue crusting his lip, he doesn't laugh. He watches. Reverent. Maybe a little scared. And Morty? Morty swims slow. He lets the fin breach the surface just slightly. Just enough to make someone spill their juice box. He doesn’t need to be big. He doesn’t need to be real. He just needs to be bold enough to believe his own bullshit. And in this pond, that’s how legends are made. Morty the Fin King.Tiny. Loud. Unhinged. Unstoppable. And somewhere, across the rippling surface of the koi kingdom, a single whisper floats: “Sometimes, all it takes is a fake fin and the balls to wear it.”     Epilogue: The Gospel According to Morty Years later—okay, more like six months, which is forever in goldfish terms—Morty lives on not as a fish, but as a myth. A damp, slightly delusional, wildly over-accessorized myth. The koi now wear fins. Not real ones, mind you, just painted-on symbols of rebellion. There’s a secret “Fin Club,” complete with weekly surface meetings and algae cocktails. No frogs allowed. The turtle has started a podcast. Humans still visit the pond. They peer in, whisper, point. “That’s where the shark-fish came from,” they say, like they’ve stumbled upon some cryptid spawning ground. Kids press sticky faces to the glass, hoping for a glimpse. Some say they’ve seen him. Others claim he’s long gone. But under the water, just past the lily pads, a faint shimmer sometimes cuts the surface. A triangle. A ripple. A legacy. And in the pond’s darkest corner, beneath a sunken Tonka truck and a pile of abandoned fish flakes, something stirs. A bubble. A blub. A whisper: “Don’t ever let them tell you you’re just a goldfish.” Because Morty proved it—loudly, ridiculously, triumphantly: fake fins, real guts. Long live the lie.     Bring Morty Home (But Maybe Not in a Bowl) If you felt the bold, briny energy of Morty the Fin King ripple through your soul, good news—now you can bring his legendary nonsense into your actual habitat. Art Print – Display Morty's greatest moment on your wall. Warning: may inspire overconfidence. Framed Print – For when you're feeling extra fancy, like Morty in his two-fin era. Shower Curtain – Start every day with aquatic ambition and unnecessary drama. Bath Towel – Dry off with the confidence of a goldfish who thinks he’s a predator. Brave Little Liar because sometimes, greatness starts with a fake fin and a load of gall.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Easter Gnome's Secret Stash

Of Eggs and Egos It was the Thursday before Easter, and somewhere in the overgrown back corner of an English cottage garden, a gnome named Barnaby Thistlebum was preparing for what he considered to be the most important event of the year: the Annual Egg Hiding Championship. An event so sacred, so deeply rooted in gnome culture, that it made the Summer Solstice Pie Bake-Off look like amateur hour. Barnaby wasn't your typical gnome. While most of his kin were content with humming over mushrooms or pruning violets with unnecessary drama, Barnaby had ambition. And not just the small kind. We’re talking *legendary underground chocolate mafia* levels of ambition. His dream? To become the most feared and revered egg-hider in all the woodland realms. This year, however, the stakes were high. Rumors whispered through tulip petals and buzzed by gossipy bees told of a challenger—a mischievous sprite known only as “Twig.” Twig, it was said, had mastered the art of egg invisibility and once hid an egg inside a robin’s nest mid-flight. Barnaby, naturally, took offense to this. “Nonsense,” he scoffed, peering through his monocle at the basket of glittering, impossibly well-decorated eggs he’d lacquered himself. “Floating eggs. Invisible eggs. What’s next, eggs that quote Nietzsche?” Armed with nothing but his own ingenuity and a suspiciously sticky map of the garden, Barnaby set out at dawn. His beard was braided for aerodynamic efficiency. His olive shirt bore the proud badge of the Gnomeland Security Agency (a title he awarded himself, complete with laminated ID card). And in his hands? Two eggs of epic misdirection—one filled with confetti and the other with marzipan whiskey truffles. He placed eggs in birdhouses, teacups, and the hollow of a boot once owned by a garden witch with a gambling problem. Every egg had its story. The pink-striped one with the glitter shell? Hidden beneath a dandelion trap that would sneeze glitter on any who disturbed it. The blue speckled egg? Dangling from a fishing line rigged between two daffodils, swaying like bait for curious children and cocky squirrels. By mid-afternoon, Barnaby was sweaty, smug, and just a little bit drunk on the truffle fillings he'd “quality checked.” With only one egg left, he sat on a mossy rock, admiring his handiwork. The garden looked innocent enough—an explosion of color and bloom—but beneath the daffodil dazzle lurked 43 impossibly hidden eggs and one emotionally unstable toad guarding a golden one. “Let Twig try to top this,” Barnaby muttered, pulling his hat over his eyes and collapsing backward into a pile of lavender. He laughed to himself, then quickly stopped, realizing his laughter sounded just a bit too villainous. “Damn it, keep it whimsical,” he reminded himself aloud. The Great Egg War of Willowbend When Barnaby Thistlebum awoke the next morning, he was immediately aware of two things: one, the bees were unnaturally quiet, and two, he’d been pranked. It wasn’t the type of gentle prank one might expect in the gnome world—like daffodil dye in your tea or enchanted hiccups that sang madrigals. No. This was full-on sabotage. The kind of prank that screamed “war has been declared and it’s pastel-colored.” His eggs… were gone. All 43 of them, plus the emotionally unstable toad. In their place: ceramic decoys, each one shaped like a smug-looking acorn with Twig’s initials carved on the bottom in aggressive cursive. Even worse, a hand-written note lay at his feet, folded into the shape of a duck (a show-off move if there ever was one): “Nice hiding spots, Thistlebum. I found them all before brunch. Thought I’d leave you something to remember me by. Hoppily yours, —Twig 🧚‍♂️” Barnaby’s fists clenched. Somewhere deep in his beard, a robin nesting for the season sensed a tremor of rage and relocated to a less chaotic gnome. “This. Means. WAR,” he hissed, channeling the fury of a thousand overcooked scones. And so began the Great Egg War of Willowbend. Barnaby sprang into action like a garden ninja fueled by spite and caffeine. He sprinted (okay, briskly waddled) back to his burrow, where he retrieved his secret stash of emergency eggs. Not just any eggs, mind you—these were trick eggs, each one a miracle of gnome engineering and bad decisions. Among them: The Screamer: emits the sound of an angry goat when touched. The Sleeper: contains poppy spores to mildly sedate nosy elves. The Gossip: whispers your secrets back at you until you cry. Barnaby recruited allies—mostly disgruntled woodland creatures and one exiled hedgehog who owed him a favor. Together, they deployed decoys and diversions, leaving a trail of false clues across the garden. Gnome scouts delivered misinformation wrapped in daisy petals. Smoke bombs made of thyme and sassafras exploded into clouds of lavender deception. By twilight, the garden had become a minefield of psychological warfare. And then, just as Barnaby prepared to unleash The Whispering Egg (a sentient creation banned in three provinces), a shriek cut through the air. “AAAAUGH! MY HAIR IS FULL OF HONEY!” Twig. The sprite emerged from the rosebushes, soaked head to toe in wild honey and wearing a daisy chain crown now swarming with bees. Barnaby cackled with the kind of unhinged joy usually reserved for the final act of a Shakespearean tragedy. “You fell for the Bee Trap!” he shouted, brandishing a spoon like a sword. “You sticky little goblin!” Twig glared, swatting bees and dignity with equal desperation. “You planted eggs full of jam in my treehouse!” “That was diplomacy!” Barnaby countered. “You vandalized my truffle stash!” “You threatened me with an egg that quotes Nietzsche!” “That egg was philosophical, not aggressive!” And then, something strange happened. They laughed. Both of them, doubled over in the honeysuckle, choking on pollen and absurdity. The war had lasted less than a day, but it was legendary. And as the moon rose over the garden, they sat together beneath a weeping willow, sipping rosehip tea spiked with questionable gnome brandy, watching fireflies blink over the now egg-littered battlefield. “You know,” Twig said, “you’re not half bad… for a lawn ornament with control issues.” “And you’re not completely insufferable,” Barnaby replied, raising a tiny toast. “Just ninety percent.” They clinked teacups. Peace was declared. Sort of. Every year since, they’ve kept the tradition alive—a new Egg War each spring, escalating in chaos and creativity. And though the garden suffers for it, the residents agree on one thing: Nothing brings a community together like petty rivalry, surprise bees, and an emotionally unstable toad with a grudge.     Epilogue: The Legend Grows Years passed. Seasons turned. The garden bloomed, withered, bloomed again. Children came and went, occasionally stumbling across a glittery egg tucked beneath a fern or a suspiciously sarcastic toad loitering by the compost heap. But the legend… oh, the legend remained. Barnaby Thistlebum and Twig the Sprite became something of a seasonal myth—two mischievous forces of nature bound by rivalry, respect, and an unhealthy obsession with outwitting one another via painted eggs. Each spring, the garden braced for their antics like a tavern bracing for karaoke night: with mild dread, popcorn, and a first-aid kit. The gnomes began betting on who would “win” each year. The woodland creatures organized viewing parties (squirrels made excellent commentators, albeit biased). And the bees? Well, they unionized. You can only be used as a prank so many times before demanding dental coverage. Somewhere beneath the oldest oak in the garden, there now rests a small, moss-covered plaque. No one remembers who placed it there, but it reads simply: “In memory of the Great Egg War: Where chaos bloomed, laughter echoed, and dignity was lightly poached.” Barnaby still roams the garden. Occasionally seen sipping dandelion wine, crafting decoy eggs that smell like existential dread, or mentoring a new generation of prank-happy gnomelings. Twig? She visits now and then—always unannounced, always glitter-bombing the bird bath, and always with a wicked grin. And every Easter, without fail, a new egg appears in the center of the garden. Just one. Perfectly painted. Strategically placed. Containing, perhaps, a note, a tiny riddle, or something that meows. No one knows who leaves it. Everyone knows who it’s from. And the game? It’s never really over.     Bring the Mischief Home Love the tale of Barnaby Thistlebum and the Great Egg War? Bring a piece of the magic into your world with our exclusive “The Easter Gnome’s Secret Stash” collection by Bill and Linda Tiepelman—available now on Unfocussed. From quirky gifts to seasonal décor, there’s something for every mischievous heart: 🧵 Wall Tapestries – Bring the garden mischief to life on your walls 🖼️ Canvas Prints – Vibrant, whimsical, and gallery-ready 👜 Tote Bags – Perfect for egg hunts or chaotic grocery runs 💌 Greeting Cards – Send a little mischief this Easter 📓 Spiral Notebooks – For planning your own egg-centric escapades Shop the full collection now at shop.unfocussed.com and embrace your inner trickster.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Tempest of Taurus

The Fracture Before the stars were sewn into the heavens, before breath had found a name, the Bull stood alone at the edge of creation. A beast born not of flesh, but of force—of element, echo, and eternity. His body was split from the moment of his awakening: half of him blazed with volcanic wrath, molten rivers carving scars across a horned brow; the other half grew with the quiet pulse of life, moss-covered and breathing, rooted in stars and soil alike. He did not know time, only motion. He walked across the void as if it were pasture, his hooves forging galaxies in his wake. Wherever he passed, dual realms unfurled: forests that smoldered with flame, rivers that ran both steam and starlight, skies that trembled under his silent roar. But the Bull—he was not whole. He was a tempest trapped in duality, torn between destruction and birth, fury and forgiveness. The gods who made him had long disappeared, leaving no answer to his agony. He became myth before the worlds had names, and his suffering was written into the bones of every planet he forged. In one world, where the blue glowed too fiercely and the soil sang with sorrow, he stopped. For the first time since the First Spark, he folded his legs beneath him and lay still. The fire in his left eye dimmed. The vines along his right shoulder whispered to the sky. And the stars came closer to listen. It was then he spoke—not with voice, but with gravity. A soundless, resonant sorrow echoed across the sky: “I am the fracture. I am the seed and the scorch.” From his tears bloomed the first mortals—flawed, divided, beautiful—each carrying a sliver of his war inside them. Some burned. Some grew. Most did both. As time passed, they built temples to his fury and songs to his grace. They did not understand he was neither god nor demon—but a mirror. A reminder. A wound that shaped the universe. Yet something stirred in him as the people danced under twin moons, as they painted their skin in ash and pollen, as they whispered his name not in fear, but in reverence: Taurun. The Tempest. The Eternal. And in that reverence, he felt the first hint of peace—a flicker. A beginning. But peace, like fire, must be earned. The Reckoning Centuries passed like drifting embers across the void, and still the Bull lay beneath the twin moons, half-coiled in forest, half-encased in flame. Civilizations rose and fell in the shadow of his slumber. Priests walked barefoot across obsidian fields to whisper their dreams into the cracks of his scorched side. Lovers carved promises into the bark of the trees that grew from his ribs. And children, born of stardust and sweat, played beneath the branches of his mane without fear. Yet still he did not rise. The gods, forgotten or fled, had left him as their final parable. The Bull, the Broken One, whose duality mirrored the soul of all things. But the mortals began to forget that duality was not a punishment—it was a path. And when they forgot, they tried to cleanse what made them whole. They built fires to burn away their roots. They razed the forests to tame the chaos. They crowned kings who spoke only with fire and banished those who still listened to the leaves. In time, they split themselves as the Bull had once been split—not by gods, but by choice. It was then that Taurun stirred. His eye of flame re-ignited like a dying star reborn, casting shadows across the constellations. The leaves in his fur trembled. The air thickened. And from deep within the earth, a rumble that had no source or direction rose—a pulse, ancient and undeniable. He rose not in anger, but necessity. His hooves cracked the crust of the world. His breath shook the oceans. Above him, the sky split open—not with lightning, but with memory. Visions fell like rain: of every child who had sung in his forest, every prayer spoken in firelight, every soul who had ever dared to hold both grief and wonder in the same heart. He roared, not to destroy, but to remind. And the world listened. Torrents of rain fell where deserts had claimed dominion. Forests rose in the wake of ash. And where fire had consumed, life returned—not in defiance, but in unity. The Bull’s body was no longer divided, but fused: flames that fed the soil, branches that danced with sparks. He was no longer half-this or half-that. He was wholeness born of fracture. And for the first time since the stars had learned to sing, Taurun smiled—not with lips, but with silence. The silence that follows a storm. The silence that speaks of balance restored. The mortals, changed, carried this new myth into their bones. They built no more temples. They planted forests instead. And they taught their children that to burn was not to be evil, and to grow was not to be weak. That they, like Taurun, held both fury and forest in their chest. And that was their magic. The Bull walked into the night sky then, his body dissolving into constellations, into stories, into the veins of every living thing. He had been fire. He had been forest. And now, he was forever. Look to the sky when your heart breaks in two. You will see him—horns arched across the heavens, stars tangled in his mane, the Tempest watching, waiting, reminding you: You are not broken. You are becoming.     Epilogue: The Silence Between Stars Long after the Bull dissolved into constellation and legend, long after the final embers cooled beneath roots of newly-grown trees, a quiet question still drifts between the galaxies: “What remains when the gods are gone, and the world must choose for itself?” The answer is not written in stone, nor hidden in fire. It is not carried by prophets or preserved in parchment. It lives in the flicker of contradiction—where kindness meets anger, where grief dances with joy, where you break, and from the cracks something green begins to grow. That is where the Bull lives now—not in temples, not in stars, but in the moment a hand clenches in rage, and chooses instead to open. In the way we burn, and still love. In how we destroy, and then plant anew. Some say you can still hear his breath in the wind between seasons, feel his footsteps in the shifting soil beneath your bare feet. Others say he is simply a myth—an old tale born of cosmic need. But if you ever feel both too much and not enough, too fierce and too fragile—remember: You are the storm and the soil. You are not lost. You are not alone. And in the silence between stars, Taurun watches. Not as judge. But as kin.     Bring the Bull Home If the story of Taurun stirred something within you—if you too carry fire and forest inside your bones—carry this myth into your space. Our “Tempest of Taurus” image is available in a range of high-quality products designed to keep the dual magic alive in your everyday world. Celestial Tapestry: Drape your space in myth. This vibrant fabric wall art makes any room feel like a portal to the stars. Metal Print: A bold, gallery-quality display that captures the fire and forest in hyper-vivid clarity. Glossy. Iconic. Immortal. Jigsaw Puzzle: Piece together the myth yourself—perfect for quiet moments of reflection and those who savor complexity. Tote Bag: Carry the tempest with you—ideal for book lovers, market wanderers, and those who walk between worlds. Coffee Mug: Sip the story. A daily ritual infused with myth, strength, and the serenity of celestial balance. View all available formats here → Your walls. Your rituals. Your myth.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Nightlight Watcher

Of Gnomes and Nocturnal Duties Once upon a time—or at least some time after the invention of indoor plumbing—there lived a gnome named Wimbley Plopfoot. He wasn't your average garden-variety gnome with a fishing rod and a beer gut carved into ceramic. No, Wimbley was different. He had a job. A real one. He was the Official Nightlight Watcher of the Greater Underbed Region. Each night, as soon as the humans upstairs had done whatever it is humans do before bed (some combination of teeth brushing, doomscrolling, and wondering if that leftover cheese was still good), Wimbley would shuffle into place. His soft floral nightcap drooped charmingly over one eye. His matching pajamas whispered of lavender fields and accidental fashion. And in his arms, he carried Bartholomew the Bear, a stuffed animal with a suspiciously judgmental expression. "Ready?" Wimbley would ask each night, though Bartholomew never replied. He wasn’t enchanted or alive or magical. He was just there. Judging. Like most bears, to be honest. The ritual was simple: sit beside the child’s bed, hold the sign that said GOOD NIGHT, and exude an aura of safety, warmth, and vaguely herbal overtones. But on one particularly unremarkable Tuesday, something went wrong. Wimbley blinked slowly and noticed the glow from the nightlight was... flickering. "Oh no," he muttered, his gnomish voice the auditory equivalent of chamomile tea. "Not again." The last time a nightlight malfunctioned, the kid dreamt of sentient broccoli staging a coup in the kitchen. It took three dreamcatchers, a whispering incense stick, and a sock puppet therapist to undo the trauma. Wimbley waddled over to the outlet, groaning like only someone with knees older than democracy can groan. He tugged on the plug, then tapped the nightlight. Nothing. He blew on it. Still nothing. Bartholomew watched silently, probably judging Wimbley’s technique. "Guess I’m going in," Wimbley sighed, lifting up a loose floorboard to reveal a swirling, glittery tunnel labeled ‘Electrical Realm: Authorized Gnomes Only’. With a resigned pat to Bartholomew’s plush head, he dove in. The world twisted. The smell of burnt toast and old batteries filled his nostrils. The tunnel spun like a glittery toilet flush until he landed with a loud plop in a place that looked suspiciously like the inside of a lava lamp factory run by raccoons. “Alright,” Wimbley muttered. “Let’s fix a nightlight before reality unravels.” The Glowening Wimbley adjusted his pajama collar—a ridiculous move given that he had just nose-dived into an interdimensional subspace powered by toddler anxieties and expired batteries. The realm was brighter than he liked and smelled vaguely of ozone, dryer sheets, and existential dread. “Welcome to the Department of Glow Maintenance,” said a chipper, floating orb with a clipboard and tiny reading glasses balanced somehow on what could only be described as ‘eyelid energy.’ Wimbley squinted. “You again?” The orb blinked. “Ah, yes, Mister Plopfoot. You’ve been flagged before for ‘unauthorized screwdriver use’ and ‘insulting a power surge.’” “That surge started it,” Wimbley grumbled. “It zapped me. Twice.” The orb made a noncommittal whirring sound and summoned a translucent doorway that shimmered with neon labels: “Filament Forest,” “Circuit Swamp,” “Lightbulb Graveyard,” and—Wimbley’s destination—“Low-Glow Repair Intake.” He stepped through the archway, which instantly deposited him in a massive glowing cavern filled with floating fuses and a suspicious number of traffic cones. Gnome engineers in tiny hardhats shouted about wattage while sipping glow-stick martinis. “Oi, Wimbley!” called a scraggly figure with a clipboard larger than himself. “Yer here about the shimmer drop in Sector Snore-Alpha?” “Yes, it’s flickering like a caffeinated firefly,” Wimbley said, brushing lint off his beard. “That’s not right. Nightlight shimmer should be smooth—like pudding with ambition.” “Exactly.” The two gnomes exchanged nods and dove into the technical talk: amperage, dream-consistency thresholds, and a very heated debate about whether a teddy bear should count as an emotional stabilizer or a distraction-based sedative. Finally, they found the issue. A single pixel-sized microfuse had been corrupted by a forgotten nightmare from 2006. A common occurrence, apparently. Wimbley replaced it using a tweezers made from solidified bedtime stories and sighed in relief as the glow returned to buttery-soft normalcy. “Tell Bartholomew he still owes me five hugs,” said the scraggly gnome, tipping his hat. Wimbley smiled and stepped back into the tunnel, feeling the warmth of restored luminescence pulse through the air like a lullaby hummed by an overworked celestial intern. He landed back in the child’s bedroom with a puff of glitter. The nightlight glowed strong and steady. The child slept peacefully, one leg somehow entirely out of the blanket (a move that still terrified demons). Bartholomew remained exactly where Wimbley left him—arms open, judgmental gaze unchanged. “Mission complete,” Wimbley whispered, settling into his usual post and lifting the GOOD NIGHT sign once more. The room was safe. The glow was perfect. And somewhere deep beneath the floorboards, a raccoon technician filed another complaint against unauthorized glitter leakage. Wimbley didn't care. His job was done. Until tomorrow night… Fade to dreams.     Epilogue: Glow On, You Little Weirdo Years passed—or maybe just three minutes, depending on how time works when you’re shaped like a novelty lawn ornament and run on ambient moonlight. Wimbley Plopfoot, now promoted to Senior Glow Liaison, still kept his post beneath the bed of the now slightly older child (who occasionally referred to him as “that weird bedtime elf” in her diary). Bartholomew? Still judging. Still plush. Still undefeated in every staring contest known to plushdom. The nightlight, fully operational thanks to advanced gnome engineering and perhaps a little illegal wizard glue, shone on like a beacon of soft defiance against the creeping chaos of bedtime fears. Monsters had long since relocated—something about zoning permits and gluten-free snack shortages. Wimbley didn’t mind. He had everything he needed: a slightly crinkled bedtime schedule, a suspiciously sentient robe, and the unspoken admiration of the underbed community, who once voted him “Most Likely to Stop a Panic Dream with Only a Side-Eye.” And every night, as the stars blinked on and parents exhaled over baby monitors, Wimbley held up his sign with one simple message: GOOD NIGHT And if you happened to peek beneath your bed and see a tiny figure with a beard longer than your to-do list—just smile. He’s got this. You can sleep now. Glow on, dreamers. Glow on.     Bring a Little Glow Home If you felt a spark of warmth (or sheer gnomish absurdity) from The Nightlight Watcher, you can now bring that same cozy magic into your real-life bedtime ritual. Whether you're decorating a nursery, leveling up your nap nook, or just need a judgmental teddy on fabric—there’s a dreamy little something for you: 🧵 Wall Tapestry – Transform any room with a soft, storytelling glow. 🛏️ Throw Pillow – Snuggle into dreamland with a gnome-approved cushion. 🧸 Fleece Blanket – The official blanket of Bartholomew’s emotional support protocols. 🌙 Duvet Cover – Gnome-certified for maximum bedtime enchantment. Shop the full collection and let Wimbley Plopfoot stand guard over your dreams—no batteries or bureaucratic raccoons required.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Elder of the Enchanted Path

In the heart of the Verdant Woodlands—just past the babbling creek that sounds suspiciously like it's gossiping—stood a moss-covered stump known only to a few as the “Proposal Post.” It was not used for mail, mind you. It was used for moments. Grand, clumsy, blush-colored moments. And it was here that the Elder of the Enchanted Path, a gnome named Thistlewhip Fernwhistle (though friends just called him “Thish”), had decided to make his move. Thish was old. Not old as in creaky or cranky, but old as in "once dated a dryad who turned into a willow mid-conversation." He’d seen thirty-three thousand springs, or so he claimed—though most suspected it was closer to seven hundred. Either way, age hadn't dulled his sense of style. He wore a robe that shimmered faintly like beetle wings, boots made from repurposed pinecone scales, and a floppy hat stitched with kiss-marks collected over centuries. No one knew how he got them. No one asked. Springtime always made him... itchy. Not in a hay-fever kind of way, but in a soul-thirsty, heart-tingly kind of way. The kind that makes one write poetry on mushroom caps or serenade chipmunks who didn't ask for it. And this year, the itch had a name: Briarrose O’Bloom. Briarrose was the head florist of the forest—a dryad with curls like cherry blossoms and a laugh that sounded like rain on tulip petals. She ran “Petal Provocateur,” a scandalously delightful flower cart where the bouquets were arranged to match your deepest, possibly even your naughtiest, desires. She once made a tulip arrangement so evocative that a centaur fell in love with himself. Thish had admired her from afar (well, from behind a tree… regularly), but today was the day he would step into the light. Today he would declare his affection—with a bouquet of his own making. He had spent the last three days crafting it. Not just picking flowers—no, this was an event. He had bartered for moon-drenched daisies, stolen a honeysuckle kiss from a sleeping bee, and convinced a peony to open two weeks early by reciting scandalous limericks. At last, the bouquet was done. Full of pinks, purples, blushes and scents that could render even the grumpiest toad euphoric, it was bound with a ribbon made from spider-silk and a whisper of thyme. He stepped out onto the mossy trail, bouquet in hand, heart doing cartwheels. Ahead, the cart glowed beneath hanging lanterns, and there she was—Briarrose—flirting with a hedgehog in a bowtie (he was a loyal customer). She laughed, tossing her curls, and Thish forgot how legs worked for a second. He approached. Slowly. Carefully. Like one might approach a wild unicorn or a particularly judgmental goose. “Ahem,” he said, in a voice that was far too high for his body and startled a nearby mushroom into fainting. Briarrose turned. Her eyes—violet and wise—softened. “Oh, Elder Thish. What a surprise.” “It’s… a spring gift. A bouquet. I made it. For you,” he said, offering it with a trembling hand and a hopeful smile. “And also, if possible… a proposal.” She blinked. “A proposal?” “For a walk!” he added quickly, cheeks blooming with embarrassment. “A walk. Through the woods. Together. No... wedlock unless mutually discussed in twenty years.” She laughed. Not cruelly. Not mockingly. But like bells dancing in the wind. “Thish Fernwhistle,” she said, taking the bouquet and breathing it in. “This might be the most ridiculous, romantic thing I’ve seen all season.” Then she leaned in, kissed his cheek, and whispered: “Pick me up at dusk. Wear something scandalous.” And just like that, spring came alive. Dusk in the Verdant Woodlands was a sensual thing. The sky flushed lavender, tree branches stretched like lazy lovers, and the air smelled of sap, honeysuckle, and just the faintest hint of cedar smoke and temptation. Thish, true to his word, had dressed scandalously. Well, for a gnome. His robe had been swapped for a vest stitched from foxglove petals, his boots polished until the pinecone scales gleamed, and beneath his famous hat he’d tucked a sprig of lavender “just in case things got steamy.” Briarrose had outdone herself. She wore a gown made entirely of woven vine and blooming jasmine that shifted with her every breath. Butterflies seemed to orbit her like moons. A glowbug landed on her shoulder and promptly fainted. “You look like trouble,” she said with a grin, offering her arm. “You look like a good reason to misbehave,” Thish replied, taking it. They walked. Past willows humming lullabies. Past frogs playing banjo. Past a couple of raccoons necking behind a toadstool and pretending not to notice. The mood was thick with pollen and possibility. Eventually, they reached a clearing lit by floating lanterns. In the middle stood a picnic blanket so elaborate it might have violated several zoning laws. There was elderberry wine. Sugarroot pastries. Chocolate truffles shaped like acorns. Even a bowl of “Consent Cookies”—each one labeled with messages like “Kiss?”, “Flirt?”, “Get Weird?” and “More Wine First?” “You planned this?” Briarrose asked, raising a brow. “I panicked earlier and overcompensated,” Thish admitted. “There’s also a backup string quartet of badgers if things go awkward.” “That’s... kind of perfect.” They sat. They sipped. They nibbled on everything but the cookies—those required mutual cookie signals. The conversation meandered through poetry, pollination, failed love spells, and one deeply embarrassing story involving a unicorn and a very poorly labeled bottle of rosewater. And then—just when the air was perfectly still, when the last rays of sun kissed the tree branches—Briarrose leaned in. “You know,” she said softly, her eyes gleaming, “I’ve been arranging bouquets for half the forest. All kinds. Lust, longing, revenge-flirtations, awkward apologies. But no one’s ever made one for me like yours.” Thish blinked. “Oh. Well. I suppose—” She placed a single finger on his lips. “Shhh. Less talking.” Then she kissed him. Long and slow. The kind of kiss that made the wind pause, the fireflies turn up their glow, and at least three nearby squirrels applaud. When they finally pulled back, both were flushed and slightly breathless. “So…” Thish grinned. “Do I get a second date? Or at least a sensual bouquet review?” She giggled. “You’re already trending in the fern networks.” And under the soft twilight, two hearts—older than most, sillier than many—bloomed like springtime had written them into a love story all its own.     Epilogue: The Bloom Continues Spring turned to summer, and the forest, well—it talked. Not gossip, exactly. More like gleeful speculation. A fox claimed she’d seen Thish and Briarrose dancing barefoot beneath a raincloud. A squirrel swore he spotted them picnicking nude in a tulip field (highly unconfirmed). And a particularly smug robin reported hearing giggles echoing from inside a hollow tree. All we know for certain is this: the “Proposal Post” now had a permanent bouquet atop it, refreshed every full moon by unseen hands. Briarrose’s flower cart began offering a new line called “Thistlewhips”—chaotic little bundles of love, passion, and one wildcard bloom that may or may not inspire spontaneous foot rubs. And Thish? He wrote a collection of romantic haikus titled “Petals and Puns”, available only in bark-scroll editions, and only if you asked the badger librarian very, very nicely. They never married—because they didn’t need to. Love, in their part of the world, wasn’t something to bind. It was something to bloom, gently and wildly, year after year. And every spring, if you walk the Enchanted Path just after dusk, you might find two figures laughing beneath the lanterns—sharing cookies, kisses, and the occasional mischievous wink at the moon. May you too find someone who brings you flowers you didn’t know you needed… and kisses you like they were written in the bark of your bones.     🌿 Explore the Artwork This story was inspired by the original artwork "Elder of the Enchanted Path", available exclusively through our image archive. Bring home a bit of woodland whimsy with fine art prints, digital downloads, and licensing options. ➡️ View the artwork in the Unfocussed Archive

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Yetiboo and the Silent Rage

The Cold Shoulder of Destiny Far beyond the howling peaks of the Cringecrack Mountains, where the wind screamed like unpaid interns and snowflakes fell like passive-aggressive emails, there lived a creature whose name was whispered in ski lodges and overpriced chalet spas with reverent fear. They called him Yetiboo. Standing a mighty 1’8” tall (2’2” if you included the static-charged fluff halo), Yetiboo was the frostbitten embodiment of silent rage. With fur as white as HR-approved rage and eyes the color of cold brew regret, he had spent years perfecting a glare so powerful it could curdle oat milk at 300 feet. Yetiboo wasn’t born mad. He was sculpted by life’s little injustices: the betrayal of lukewarm cocoa, snowballs with ice cores, and worst of all—being called “snuggly.” “I’m not snuggly,” he hissed once into a void that did not respond. “I’m a harbinger of wintry fury.” But no one listened. The locals threw marshmallows at him. Influencers tried to put flower crowns on his head. A TikTok elf once captioned a video #YetiBabyVibes while pretending to boop his nose. She hasn’t been seen since. Allegedly. On this particularly snowy Tuesday, Yetiboo had reached his emotional saturation point. Snowflakes fell, uninvited, into his ears. His tiny feet were frozen. He had been ghosted by the Northern Lights (again). And someone—some heartless mountain soul—had taken the last peppermint bark from the communal glacier fridge. “I am done,” he growled, plopping down into the snow with all the fury of a sitcom character whose favorite mug just shattered mid-monologue. “From this moment forward, I shall speak to no one. Not a soul. The mountain will tremble with my profound, poetic silence.” He folded his arms. He scowled. A passing snow hare made eye contact and immediately fled to therapy. “Let them tremble,” Yetiboo whispered to the wind, which respectfully carried the message 600 miles south to a confused coffee shop in lower Glacialia. And thus began the Great Sulk of the North—a silent protest so intense, so frostbitten with feeling, that the temperature in the surrounding three valleys dropped two degrees just to match his vibe. Unbeknownst to him, his silence had consequences. Big ones. Cosmic, absurd, and definitely overblown ones. Because when the most dramatic yeti in existence goes emotionally offline… the mountain listens. Avalanche of Emotion As Yetiboo sat in the snow, radiating enough silent loathing to frost over a lava vent, strange things began to happen. First, the icicles on the nearby pine trees began to hum—a low, mournful tune like the soundtrack to a documentary about abandoned mittens. Then the clouds gathered above, thickening into dramatic, swirling layers like a sky having a breakdown. Thunder cracked, somewhere far off. A raven dropped a dead flower at his feet. No one knew where the flower came from. It was August last time anyone saw a bloom around here. The mountain was responding. Unwittingly—or perhaps divinely—Yetiboo had tapped into the ancient magic of *Glacial Gloom*, an emotional pressure system said to be triggered when someone is just too over it to speak. Mountain legends told of a time, centuries ago, when a teen frost elf with bad bangs and a complicated situationship sulked so hard, she froze an entire fjord. That elf’s name was whispered only in wine cellars and seasonal affective disorder support groups. Now, Yetiboo was the new vessel of that power. Elsewhere, across the frosted realm, things began to unravel. Weather alerts popped up on enchanted mirrors. “EMOTIONAL BLIZZARD WARNING: EXPECT FLURRIES OF DRAMATIC STARES.” A group of woodland creatures canceled their winter talent show because the tension in the air was just too much. Back at base camp, the Winter Council—a committee of ancient creatures who wore velvet robes and argued about snowflake purity—called an emergency meeting. They gathered in the Chamber of Chilled Disapproval and reviewed the footage. “It’s worse than we feared,” sighed Frostmaw, the 700-year-old moose with a monocle. “He’s not just brooding—he’s internalizing.” “We need to act fast,” said a sentient snow owl named Beatrice. “Before he ice-blocks the entire emotional spectrum.” So they did what any responsible, mystical governing body would do. They sent a goat. But not just any goat. This was Tilda, a sassy, frost-hardened emotional support goat with a nose ring, a degree in interspecies mediation, and zero tolerance for silent treatment. Tilda clomped up the mountain with purpose, hooves crunching snow like punctuation marks in an angry Yelp review. When she reached Yetiboo, she didn't speak. She simply sat. Beside him. In the snow. Matching his silence with one of her own. It was a stand-off. The world's fluffiest Mexican standoff. Three hours passed. A snowflake landed on Tilda's horn. Yetiboo's eye twitched. She didn’t flinch. Eventually, he cracked. “They took my peppermint bark,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “They left the label. Just… just the label.” Tilda nodded solemnly. “Savages.” “And Dorble the fox keeps tagging me in memes.” “Unacceptable.” “I have layers, Tilda. Like—like a rage parfait.” “Delicious and unstable. Got it.” And just like that, the storm began to fade. The clouds pulled back like curtains at the end of a moody one-man play. The icicles quieted. Somewhere, a harp seal exhaled in relief. The mountain, now sated by the release of pent-up sass, settled into a peaceful snowfall. Yetiboo stood up. Shook out his fur. Cleared his throat. “I am not okay,” he declared with pride. “But I am dramatically functional.” “That’s all we can ask,” Tilda said, handing him a backup chocolate square from her saddlebag. “Now come on. There's a rage yoga class at 6 and you’re already behind on your breathing resentment exercises.” And so, the Great Sulk ended—not with a tantrum, but with solidarity, snacks, and one very exhausted snow goat who deserved hazard pay. As for Yetiboo, he would go on to channel his silent rage into expressive dance, write a memoir titled “Cold Inside: One Yeti’s Journey Through Emotional Permafrost,” and become a minor celebrity in niche arctic wellness circles. But sometimes, when the wind howls just right… you can still hear his tiny voice echoing across the snowdrifts: “I said I wasn’t SNUGGLY.”     Epilogue: Fluff, Fame, and Frozen Boundaries Following the emotional meteorology incident now referred to by the locals as “The Great Sulking,” Yetiboo became something of a minor deity in the cozy corners of snow-covered subcultures. He didn’t ask for the fame. He didn’t want the fame. But he did enjoy being left alone at cafés while sipping glacier-melt tea from his custom mug that read: "Dead Inside, But Make It Cozy." The mountain, meanwhile, was far more peaceful. Emotionally stable, even. There were fewer spontaneous ice spikes. Fewer cursed snowballs. The Weather Channel (North Edition) named him their honorary "Emo Pressure Front of the Year." And while he never fully embraced the whole “cuddly mascot” narrative, he did allow one company to put his likeness on a throw blanket—as long as it came with a disclaimer: "Do not approach before coffee." Tilda became his manager. The goat, naturally, negotiated a merch deal, a podcast guest spot, and a branded hoodie line titled “Frosted But Fierce.” But deep down—beneath the layers of fluff, fame, and very professionally curated social detachment—Yetiboo never forgot who he was: A cold-hearted legend with a warm center... that you absolutely should not touch without permission. And if you're ever on that mountain and the wind suddenly shifts, chillier than it should be, and you feel like you're being silently judged—you are. He sees you. He disapproves. And he’s sitting just out of frame, arms crossed, waiting for you to say something cringe so he can roll his enormous blue eyes. Legend says he’s still not snuggly. And that’s exactly how he likes it.     Need a Little Silent Rage in Your Life? If you’ve ever felt personally attacked by weather or emotionally represented by a tiny yeti with a death stare, good news: Yetiboo is now available in huggable, wearable, and displayable form. Wrap yourself in pure frostbitten mood with a cozy coral fleece blanket or let your guests know what vibe they’re walking into with a framed acrylic print. Add some sass to your seating with a squishy throw pillow, haul your emotional baggage in this unapologetic tote bag, or let his silent judgment hang proudly from your wall with a full-sized tapestry. He's moody. He’s fluffy. He’s merch-ready. Channel the chill. Carry the rage.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Mini Kraken, Major Attitude

Trouble in the Tidal Flats It was a quiet morning in the shallows of the Glimmering Gulf, where the sand sparkled like spilled champagne and hermit crabs gossiped like old barmaids. The sea was calm. The waves whispered. And in the middle of it all, sitting under a shell-shaped shadow with the grumpiest frown this side of Atlantis, was the Mini Kraken. He wasn’t technically a kraken. His government-issued name was Reginald of Tentacleshire, but he’d long since rebranded himself. At just nine inches long (when feeling generous), he made up for his lack of mass with excessive sass. Wide black eyes, eight sticky limbs, and a permanent scowl that could sour milk at twenty leagues. Reginald hated mornings. He hated pebbles that weren’t symmetrical. He especially hated the way the clams clicked at him like they were judging his life choices. And most of all, he hated being called “adorable.” “I’m not cute,” he grumbled, puffing up his mantle and turning slightly more purple. “I’m a terrifying leviathan of the deep.” “Of course you are, sweetie,” murmured an elderly starfish named Dorinda, sipping her brine latte from a limp sea sponge. “You tell them, sugar tentacles.” Reginald narrowed his eyes. “I don’t need your validation, Dorinda.” She winked a slow, five-armed wink. “And yet here you are, monologuing into the current like a theatre major with a shellfish allergy.” It wasn’t easy being the Mini Kraken. The seahorses called him “Snippy.” The anglerfish used him as a mood ring. And last week, a group of scuba influencers took a selfie with him and captioned it, “Tiny Terrors of the Tide #SoSquishy”. He was still emotionally recovering. Today, however, was the day everything would change. Today, Reginald had a plan. He had drawn up blueprints in ink, tucked under a rock labeled “Totally Not Evil Plans.” If all went well, he’d reclaim his dignity, his territory, and maybe—just maybe—get those sea cucumbers to stop calling him “cutie patootie.” But first, he needed allies. And unfortunately, that meant... mingling. The Mollusk Manifesto Reginald wasn’t fond of group projects. He preferred the solitude of brooding under rocks, perfecting his death glare, and muttering passive-aggressive insults into the current. But desperate times called for collaborative pettiness. He began his recruitment with the easiest mark: a disgruntled jellyfish named Greg, who had recently been stung by his own existential crisis. Greg was translucent, emotionally fragile, and constantly narrating his life like it was a sad French film. “I float, therefore I am… ignored,” Greg moaned as he drifted aimlessly. “You want revenge on the entire ecosystem, or not?” Reginald snapped. Greg blinked (probably), then pulsed with uncertain rage. “Only if I can write the manifesto.” “Fine. But no metaphors about drifting through capitalism’s emotional tidepools, okay?” Next up was Coraline the crab, a battle-hardened crustacean with two missing legs and zero tolerance for nonsense. She ran a black-market barnacle-shaving operation and had claws sharp enough to slice through condescension. “What’s in it for me?” she demanded, eyes narrowed beneath her chipped shell. “Power. Infamy. The right to pinch anyone who calls you a ‘side dish,’” Reginald said, deadpan. She paused. Then slowly, silently, extended a claw. “I’m in.” Within hours, the underwater coup had grown to a full-blown movement. They called themselves: F.R.O.T.H. – Ferocious Rascals Of The Hadal. Membership included: A cynical cuttlefish who only spoke in passive-aggressive haikus. An emo dolphin who wrote sea-shanties about unrequited love. Two barnacle twins named Clack and Cluck who had been kicked off a coral reef for being “too dramatic.” Reginald was thrilled. Or as thrilled as his face would allow—which meant a slightly less intense scowl and a contented grumble. The plan was simple: during the Coral Carnival, the most festive event of the season, they would unleash a synchronized ink-cloud performance so chaotic, it would shut down every seashell selfie station within a nautical mile. Aesthetic ruin. Digital despair. Perfect vengeance. The day arrived. Coral streamers floated in the tide. Clownfish wore bow ties. Anemones pulsed in technicolor. The influencers had arrived early, phones clutched in waterproof pouches like weapons of mass documentation. And then, it began. Greg, high on poetic vengeance, opened the event by reciting a 12-verse spoken-word poem titled “My Gelatinous Cage”. The crowd was confused. Some applauded out of fear. A toddler eel wept softly. Coraline pinch-snapped confetti urchins into the water, causing a minor panic. The cuttlefish cast a gloom-colored haiku into the reef: Inky depths murmur—Your vibes are unseasoned brine,Float away, peasant. And then, the finale—Reginald rose from behind a giant oyster shell, arms dramatically outstretched, eyes gleaming like abyssal orbs of sass and glory. “BEHOLD! I am the terror in your tranquil tide! The shadow in your shimmering filter! I AM THE MINI KRAKEN!” he roared. At his signal, a volcanic explosion of ink erupted from every F.R.O.T.H. member, blackening the water like a goth squid wedding. Chaos. Screams. A GoPro spiraled into the abyss. Somewhere, a conch fainted. The Carnival was ruined. And Reginald? He floated in the middle of it all, arms folded, basking in the inky glory of his vengeance. Days later, the reef was still talking about it. The sea-cucumbers gave him a respectful nod. The dolphins stopped calling him “baby blob.” Even Dorinda offered him a spongy latte and said, “You know what, Reg—you’ve got teeth.” He didn’t smile. Not outwardly. But his frown was... slightly less catastrophic. And as he slipped into the deeper water, cloak of ink behind him, Reginald whispered the words he’d waited so long to say: “Not cute. Legendary.”     Epilogue: Of Ink and Influence Weeks passed. The Carnival scandal had gone viral—literally. Some sea lion with a shellphone had posted the footage, and now Reginald was trending under hashtags like #Inkfluencer, #KrakenKhaos, and inexplicably, #CephalopodDaddy. He hated it. He loved it. Mostly, he tolerated it with a level of disdain usually reserved for overcooked plankton. His face had been plastered on reef walls, coffee mugs made of polished clamshell, and kelp-themed fashion lines. Influencers started imitating his scowl, calling it “Kraken Chic.” Coraline started a self-defense class for crustaceans. Greg was on tour. F.R.O.T.H. was now a movement—and somehow, a lifestyle brand. Reginald was no longer just the Mini Kraken. He was a symbol. Of sea-powered rebellion. Of cute-anarchic energy. Of not letting the ocean walk all over your squishy little dignity. He still didn’t smile. He might have signed an autograph. And every now and then, when the tide was low and no one was looking, he’d ink a quick signature on a rock: “With zero affection – MK.” And somewhere in the dark, swirling deep where legends linger, the whisper echoed through the water like the pulse of an old sea god with attitude: “Don’t underestimate the small ones. We’ve got suction and grudges.”     Bring the Kraken Vibes Home If you found yourself oddly inspired by Reginald’s inky rebellion and unbothered glare, good news: you can now take the Mini Kraken, Major Attitude wherever your tide rolls. Whether you’re drying off your salty sass with a beach towel, lounging in full kraken glory on a round towel, or hauling your drama in a stylish weekender tote, there’s a deep-sea statement piece just waiting for you. Feeling bold? Make a splash with a sleek acrylic print and let Reginald glare at your guests in high definition. Live salty. Ink proudly.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Morning Drip

Glazed & Unphased It was barely 8:07 a.m. and already the pastry box was feeling... sticky. The bakery was quiet. Too quiet. A single ray of warm sunlight slipped between the blinds, landing directly on the plump, sugar-dusted body of Donny Cream. Round. Golden. Fluffy in all the right places. And leaking like a broken promise. “Mmm,” Donny moaned, eyes half-lidded, voice thick and velvety. “Is it warm in here or is it just... me?” A nearby coffee mug trembled on the counter, horrified. “You’re leaking again,” it said, voice shaky. “That’s your third time this morning.” Donny let a slow stream of vanilla custard dribble from his mouth like he was proud of it. “I’m not leaking, sweetheart,” he said with a smile. “I’m giving.” The mug backed up slightly. “I didn’t sign up for this,” it muttered. “I’m decaf.” Donny smirked. He loved a nervous cup. “You think I chose this life?” he asked, arching his brow bun. “One day you're dough with dreams, the next you're filled to the brim, powdered like a runway model, and left on a napkin to moan at strangers before noon.” He let out a long sigh and another soft ooze of custard. It puddled below him, warm and inappropriate. “Stop it!” cried a nearby croissant, shielding its flaky layers. “The kids come in at 9!” Donny just licked his lips. “Then they’ll learn what real filling looks like.” The toaster let out a judgmental ding. “You know they’re gonna eat you, right?” the mug asked, its handle trembling. “That’s the dream, sugarcup,” Donny said. “To be desired, devoured, and deeply regretted. I’m a pastry with a purpose. I wasn’t baked to be wholesome. I was baked to break souls.” Another slow stream of custard slipped from his center. A gasp came from the tea bag drawer. “I’ve seen enough,” said the muffin tin, covering its cavities. “This is a family brunch spot.” Donny didn’t flinch. “Then they better bring napkins. Because Daddy’s dripping, and I’m only halfway thawed.” The napkin beneath him was soaked. He was unapologetic. He was uncensored. He was… The Morning Drip. Cream of the Crop By the time the customers started trickling in—bright-eyed, hungover, and clutching iced lattes like rosaries—the bakery was already a crime scene of innuendo. Donny Cream was sprawled on his napkin like a Greek god made of sugar and shame. His filling had breached containment hours ago. It was no longer a leak. It was a flood. A warm, glistening testament to indulgence and poor decision-making. “You gonna clean that up?” asked the espresso machine, watching the puddle spread like gossip in a small town. “Why?” Donny purred. “Let 'em slip. Let 'em fall face-first into me. I’ve ruined better diets than this.” A gluten-free muffin shook its head from the display shelf. “You’re disgusting.” “I’m delicious,” Donny corrected. “There’s a difference.” The bell above the door jingled. A human entered, scanning the glass case with innocent, naive hunger. The kind of hunger that didn’t know what it was about to awaken. Donny licked powdered sugar from his lip. “Oh yeah... he’s gonna pick me.” “No way,” whispered a snobby blueberry scone. “You’re literally oozing onto the counter.” “Exactly,” said Donny. “I’m prepped. I’m provocative. I’m ready to be tonged.” There was a pause. The coffee mug groaned into its ceramic palm. The customer pointed. “That one. The creamy one. He looks... intense.” Donny shuddered. “Yes. Yes I do.” Gloved tongs lifted him gently. He moaned dramatically, fully aware of the performance. A little extra cream spurted out onto the glass. “You’re the reason brunch is banned in some states,” muttered the plain bagel. Donny was placed in a wax paper bag, his voice muffled but still smug. “Goodbye, darlings. Remember me not as I was—but as I dripped.” The door closed. Silence fell. “That was the filthiest pastry I’ve ever seen,” the mug whispered. “I think I need to be refrigerated,” said the Danish. From the back of the kitchen, the churros huddled together for emotional support. The donut holes blinked, questioning their existence. And somewhere in the bakery, an oven preheated slowly... preparing to birth the next generation of filled, frosted deviance. Because Donny Cream was gone—but the drip? The drip lived on. Long live The Morning Drip.     Epilogue: Just a Little Powdered Memory The napkin remained. Crinkled, stained, and lightly trembling in the breeze of a closing door, it lay like a fallen flag—marking the spot where Donny Cream once oozed with reckless abandon. A custard ghost clung to the fibers. The powdered sugar lingered in the air like soft trauma. The bakery had moved on. Kind of. New pastries came. Younger. Firmer. Less... emotionally unstable. But none of them filled the void Donny left—physically or metaphorically. The coffee mug rarely spoke now. He just stared out the window, handle cocked slightly to the left like he was waiting for a ride that never came. “He was too much,” whispered a croissant one morning. “He was everything,” replied a jelly-filled quietly, squeezing its sides in tribute. No one dared use that napkin again. It stayed right there, framed by streaks of custard and the weight of memories. A sacred spot. A warning. A legend. Because somewhere out there—maybe in the hands of a hungover college student, maybe half-eaten in the backseat of a rideshare—Donny Cream lives on. His filling… his attitude… his unapologetic drip. And as long as there are glazes to crack and custards to spill, he’ll never be truly gone. They say time heals all wounds. But some leaks? Some leaks never dry.     Still feeling the drip? Donny Cream lives on in all his sticky glory with The Morning Drip collection—perfect for kitchens, bedrooms, brunch spots, and anywhere food shame is welcome. Immortalize his creamy legacy with a framed print, an unapologetically shiny acrylic print, or keep him close on a throw pillow or tote bag. And for those with a flair for awkward greetings, yes—he’s also available as a greeting card. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Pepper Dominatrix

The Grinding Hour The steak lay there—thick, glistening, and just a touch too smug. Marbled in all the right places, it had spent the better part of the day basking in a Himalayan salt rub, thinking itself the main course. Prime cut, ego to match. Then she entered. Heels like toothpicks skewering the hardwood countertop, leather dress tighter than a sous vide seal, and eyes darker than balsamic glaze—Pepper Dominatrix had arrived. Her curves were turned from a finely aged mahogany, her handle slick with tension. She didn’t knock. She never knocked. She just twisted... and ground. The first crackle of fresh pepper sent a shiver through the meat. “Easy there, sweetheart,” it whispered, trying to stay juicy. “You don’t need to be so... rough.” “Oh, but I do,” she purred, grinding harder. A puff of peppercorn dust erupted like a volcanic burst of culinary climax. “You're dry-aged, darling. I’m here to make you wet again.” From across the board, Salt watched, horrified. He was soft, white, and entirely unprepared for this level of heat. A single tear of brine rolled down his metal cheek. “This is... highly unseasoned behavior,” he muttered, clutching his tiny porcelain towel. Pepper leaned in close to the steak, her cap brushing against its seared surface. “You thought you’d get basted and roasted without me? You foolish slab of protein. I don’t just complement flavors—I dominate them.” The steak whimpered. “This isn’t how Gordon Ramsay does it...” She laughed—a deep, smoky cackle that echoed through the pantry. “Ramsay? Please. That man couldn't handle a full grind without crying into his lamb shanks.” With a swirl of her hips and a sprinkle from above, the entire cutting board glistened under her wrath. Butter melted in fearful anticipation. The tongs trembled. Even the red wine glass developed condensation out of sheer intimidation. Then, with the dominance of a chef who knew her flavors and wasn’t afraid to bruise a few egos, she lifted one leg—slowly, deliberately—and planted her stiletto squarely on the steak's surface. A low, buttery moan escaped from beneath her heel. “You’ve been marinating in your own delusions,” she said. “It’s time to taste what real seasoning feels like.” Salt could only look away. He’d seen enough. He was out-shaken, out-spiced... and, dare he admit it... a little turned on. Well Done, Darling The steak sizzled under her heel, juices oozing with submissive obedience. Pepper Dominatrix stood proud, shoulders back, peppercorns crackling across her chest like a seasoning of war medals. The cutting board was no longer a prep station—it was her arena. Her coliseum. Her stage. Salt, paralyzed in the corner, let out a helpless “oh dear” as she reached into her leather spice satchel. Out came her secret weapon: a single, dangerously seductive sachet labeled “Umami Dust™”—illegal in three culinary schools and banned outright by the French. She locked eyes with the steak, who was now glistening, quivering, barely medium rare. “You think you’ve been cooked before?” she snarled. “Darling, I’m about to take you past the smoke point.” With a flick of her wrist, the dust hit the steak in a shimmering cloud of flavor chaos. Notes of soy, mushroom, and something suspiciously meaty exploded in the air like MSG-fueled fireworks. The steak let out a low, guttural “ohhhhhhhh god” as a sear line quivered beneath the sudden impact of fifth-dimensional flavor. Salt turned to the wine glass beside him. “Are you seeing this?” he asked. The glass, nearly empty, said nothing. But its curved lip had fogged again. That was enough. Pepper moved with lethal grace. She straddled the steak now, both heels sunk in, grinding like a DJ at a midnight club of culinary depravity. Butter splashed. Marinade wept. The wooden cutting board groaned in grainy protest. “Beg for it,” she whispered, twisting her cap until it clicked—full grind mode. “Tell me you want to be over-seasoned.” The steak was delirious. “Yes, Chef... oh god, yes, pepper me... please... make me... well done...” “Wrong answer,” she snapped. “Nobody wants that. Medium at most, you greasy little filet.” Then, she delivered the final blow. From beneath her dress (no one’s sure where she stored it), she pulled a tiny vial of truffle oil. Not just any truffle oil—this was Cold-Pressed Black Winter Truffle Essence, aged in ego and tears. Salt gasped. “That's... that's not FDA approved!” “Neither is this performance,” she growled—and she poured it. In slow motion, the oil trickled over the steak’s quivering body. Every droplet whispered of forests and forbidden price tags. With a dramatic flair, she stepped back, surveying her masterpiece. The steak now lay in a sensual pool of sauce and sweat, utterly transformed. Seasoned. Dominated. Complete. Salt stumbled forward, hat askew. “Pepper… that was… you didn’t have to go so hard.” She glanced at him, a single peppercorn still stuck on her heel. “Darling, I always go hard. That’s why I’m the grinder. And you? You just sprinkle.” With that, she sauntered off into the pantry’s shadows, leaving behind the scent of victory, a few rogue pepper flakes, and a steak that would never be the same again. Some say she still haunts the countertops of arrogant chefs and bland dinners. Others claim she retired to a spice rack in Milan. But one thing’s certain— Once you’ve been ground... you never forget the grind.     Epilogue: A Dash of Memory The kitchen returned to silence. Just the soft tick of the oven cooling down and the faint hum of the refrigerator—watching, judging, as it always did. The steak was gone, devoured by fate or fork, nobody could say. Only a faint peppery heat lingered in the air... and a smear of truffle-slicked butter that refused to be wiped away. Salt sat on the edge of the cutting board, his little chrome shoulders hunched. He hadn’t shaken since. Not even once. The trauma—or was it awe?—had settled deep into his grains. He thought of her often. The crack of her twist. The glint of oil on lacquered wood. The way she whispered, “Let it rest,” like it was both an order and a mercy. No one had seasoned like her. No one dared. Some nights, when the moonlight filters through the spice cabinet just right, and the cumin’s feeling nostalgic, they say you can still hear her heels tapping across the tiles. A slow, seductive staccato. Click. Click. Grind. They call her a myth. A fantasy. A cautionary tale to under-flavored dishes. But Salt knows better. He saw her. He smelled her. He tasted the aftermath. And somewhere out there, in the back of a candlelit bistro or the shadowy corner of a Michelin-starred mise en place, Pepper Dominatrix is still watching. Still grinding. Still... the top of the rack.     If you’re ready to bring a little grind into your own space, Pepper Dominatrix is available in a variety of mouthwatering formats, each one hotter than a cast-iron skillet left on high. Whether you want her framed and fabulous on your kitchen wall, sizzling in sleek metal, rich and rustic in wood, shining in acrylic, or dressed to impress in a classic framed print—she’s ready to spice up your life, one wall at a time.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Tear of the Pump: A Moisture Tragedy

The Dry Days The pump had seen better days. Once proud and upright on the bathroom counter, he now sat half-slouched next to a flickering “Sensual Aloe” candle, oozing self-pity and the occasional drop of aloe-infused regret. He wasn’t just any lotion bottle—he was Greg. And Greg had one job: to moisturize. But no one had pumped Greg in weeks. Not since the house’s new skincare obsession arrived—a smug, overpriced jade roller named Jasper who whispered words like “lymphatic drainage” and “de-puffing” in his infuriatingly smooth tone. Greg, once the alpha of the vanity lineup, now sat exiled to the dusty desk near the laptop, where he’d been forced to watch humans fondle cacti on YouTube in weird ASMR videos titled “Moisturize Me: The ASMR Chronicles.” It was cruel. A literal prick tease. Watching bare hands stroke a cactus—dry, spiny, chafing—and not reach for Greg? It was a personal attack. “I could fix you,” he mumbled to the screen, a single tear of unsqueezed lotion sliding down his cheek. “You don’t need that prick. You need me.” On the desk, a motivational book titled “You Deserve Smoothness” mocked him. Greg had once gifted that book to a half-used body butter named Sheila, hoping it would jumpstart her confidence. She ghosted him. Literally rolled under the bed and never came back. Typical. Tissues lay strewn about the scene—some from emotion, some from Greg’s unfortunate habit of spontaneous leakage. It wasn’t his fault; he was sensitive, emotionally and hydraulically. He sighed, audibly. No one heard him, of course. Lotion bottles have no vocal cords. But if they did, Greg’s sigh would’ve sounded like Barry White after a night of bad decisions and cocoa butter. Then it happened. A sound. Footsteps. The soft slap of bare feet across laminate. The human. She was coming. Maybe today was the day. Maybe she’d pick him up again, feel his curves, give him one last pump for old time’s sake. Greg straightened his cap. Tried to look moisturizable. Tensed every ounce of remaining SPF 15 inside his soul. The door opened. She entered. She reached toward him— —then stopped. Her eyes wandered. Her hand hovered, hesitated… then slid past Greg and grabbed… Hand sanitizer. Greg deflated, dramatically. “Seriously?” he muttered. “That basic bitch?” In the distance, the YouTube video looped. The cactus was getting caressed again. And Greg? He just watched… leaking slowly into oblivion. The Rubdown Redemption Greg lay in a puddle of his own despair (and half a pump of aloe), questioning everything. Was it his viscosity? Had he gone too heavy on the shea? Maybe he shouldn’t have added that “tingling menthol” to his formula. People said they liked surprises, but apparently, not when their thighs were involved. “I used to be the whole routine,” he whispered to no one. “Post-shower, pre-date, mid-winter emergency hand relief. That was me.” The candle flickered mockingly, its label—Sensual Aloe—now a cruel inside joke between Greg and the void. Even the tissues had dried up and blown away. Greg was alone. Unused. Unloved. Untouched. Until a miracle arrived. Her name was Becky. The new roommate. She moved in like a chaotic whirlwind of velvet scrunchies, faux-fur slippers, and an almost erotic amount of body glitter. Becky brought moisture energy. She burned incense. She bathed for sport. She had a drawer labeled “Emergency Lubes (All Occasions).” She was, in every way, Greg’s dream user. Greg first saw her during the Great Shelf Reorg of Tuesday Night. She found him while digging for a missing charger. Her hand wrapped around his bottle like destiny itself. Greg swore he heard a choir of tiny, scented angels hum a slow jam. “Oh my god,” Becky said, examining his dusty label. “You’re the good stuff. Why did no one tell me we had an aloe-based emotional support dispenser?” Greg shivered. Or maybe that was just a bubble of air stuck in his pump nozzle. Hard to say. Emotions and physics blurred. That night, he returned to glory. Becky didn’t just use Greg—she used him. Post-shower, mid-TikTok skincare breakdown, even once during a date prep where she declared, “Nobody's getting this peach dry tonight!” and slathered herself head to toe while humming Mariah Carey. Greg had never felt so alive. Every pump was a symphony. Every squeeze, an affirmation of his purpose. He wasn't just lotion—he was foreplay in a bottle. He met the others. The squad. Becky’s holy trinity: a coconut scrub named CocoNutz, a peppermint foot balm called Toe Daddy, and an inexplicably seductive facial mist everyone just referred to as “Mistress Hydration.” Together, they were the Skincare Avengers. And Greg was the comeback kid with a slippery past and a creamy heart of gold. But even in paradise, cracks form. One day, after a long, steamy lather session, Becky brought home a new bottle—sleek, curvy, matte black with gold lettering. The label read: “Midnight Musk: Hydration for the Hedonist.” Greg felt the shift. Midnight Musk was everything he wasn’t. Sultry. Fragrance-forward. Built like a cologne ad with six-pack abs. Greg was more… reliable. Functional. The kind of lotion you introduce to your mom. “Don’t take it personally,” Mistress Hydration whispered. “She likes variety. You’re the one she trusts when she’s sad and watching true crime in bed.” Greg nodded, but deep down, he knew: he had entered the poly-moisture phase of the relationship. Still, he was content. Happy even. He had a place again, a purpose. And on lonely nights when Becky reached for Midnight Musk, Greg would whisper to himself, “She’ll come back. You can’t beat aloe and unconditional love.” As the candle burned lower and the tissues piled high once more (for different reasons now), Greg smiled to himself. He was no longer just a sad little bottle with a pump problem. He was part of something bigger. Something smooth. And he’d never forget the dark, dry days that made the creamy nights all the more satisfying. Somewhere in the background, the ASMR video still played—hands on cactus, whispering, “moisturize me.” But Greg no longer watched. He was living his best life now. One pump at a time.     Epilogue: The Last Pump Greg didn’t last forever. No lotion bottle does. One day, after an especially aggressive thigh application following a tragic waxing incident, Becky pressed his pump and… nothing came out. She tried again. Nothing. Not even a pathetic dribble. Greg was empty. She held him for a moment, gently shaking him like a fallen comrade. “Damn,” she whispered. “You were the real one.” She didn’t toss him immediately. No, Greg earned a place on the “empties shelf”—a little shrine above the toilet where Becky displayed her favorite used-up products like war heroes and emotionally significant candles. He sat beside a dead mascara wand named Sir Smudge-a-lot and a bath bomb tin that still smelled like grapefruit orgasms. And there he remained, dry but not forgotten. A quiet legend. A bottle who gave until he could give no more. Who absorbed awkward silences, comforted chapped elbows, and brought lubrication to the parts that needed it most—physically and emotionally. Sometimes, when the bathroom was still and the candlelight flickered just right, you could swear you heard a whisper from that shelf: “You deserve smoothness.” And everyone who heard it… believed it.     Take Greg Home (Without the Mess) If Greg’s journey tugged at your dry, cracked heartstrings, you’re not alone. Now you can bring a piece of this moisturizing masterpiece into your own space—with zero chance of leakage. Whether you're building a shrine to emotional hydration or just want your shower curtain to raise questions and eyebrows, we’ve got you covered (literally). 🧺 Tapestry – Dramatic wall vibes, for when you're feeling extra lotionally unstable. 🖼️ Framed Print – Class up your space with highbrow hydration tragedy. 🛏️ Duvet Cover – Cuddle up with Greg. He promises not to squirt unexpectedly. 🚿 Shower Curtain – Let your guests question your bathroom priorities. Moisture is temporary. Art is forever. Treat yourself (and your thighs).

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Pour Decisions

The kitchen was quiet. Too quiet. The kind of quiet that made spoons nervous and measuring cups develop existential dread. Then suddenly—click—the cabinet door creaked open. Gerald the glass pitcher stretched out with a wide, unhinged grin, water sloshing behind his bulging eyeballs. He licked his nonexistent lips (don’t ask how), flexed his translucent handle, and whispered, “Time to get moist.” Across the counter, Melvin the mug jolted awake with a shiver. “Oh for the love of glass—Gerald, not again!” he screeched, eyes wide as a dinner plate. “It’s 7 a.m. and I haven’t even been descaled yet!” But Gerald was already mid-stalk. “Melvy, Melvy, Melvy... don’t be such a drip.” He raised himself to full height, water gurgling ominously. “You know you want it. You’re empty, I’m full. Let’s pour some magic, baby.” Melvin backed up an inch, handle trembling. “Listen, it’s not that I don’t like you. I just—last time you poured into me, I needed therapy. And a drying rack.” “Therapy?” Gerald gasped, clutching his spout. “That was a celebration of fluids! I made you feel alive!” “You made me feel violated, Gerald.” At that moment, a hand—human, hairy, unbothered—entered the scene, grabbing Gerald like a reusable deviant. “Here we gooooo!” the human voice bellowed in a jolly tone, oblivious to the sheer chaos about to unfold. Gerald's face contorted into a maniacal smile as he was lifted into the air, pointing his stream directly at Melvin. “Prepare to get filled!” Melvin screamed. Loudly. His eyes stretched as wide as possible, his lip curled in horror. “OH SWEET CERAMIC JESUS, NOOO!” The first splash hit with a violent splash. Water splattered. Melvin’s lip quivered, a single droplet running down his side like a cinematic tear. “I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready...” he whimpered. Gerald let out a long, satisfied moan. “Aaaaahhhhhh. That’s the stuff. Look at you, so wet and scared. You little mug slut.” “I WILL press charges!” Melvin screeched. “What are they gonna do? Lock me in the fridge?” Gerald cackled. “I’m BPA-free, baby. Untouchable.” As the stream slowed and Gerald wobbled with satisfaction, the human hand placed him down gently, unaware of the scarring scene it had enabled. Melvin sat trembling, filled to the brim and emotionally wrecked. Somewhere in the background, the toaster whispered, “Same thing happened to me last week.” And in the distance, a lonely blender whispered, “I’d let him pour in me...”   Melvin sat there, stunned. Water leaked from the corner of his lip like a secret he could never unhear. Gerald—madman, hydrating overlord, certified glasshole—stood smugly across the counter, flexing his spout like he was about to star in a raunchy kitchen calendar. “You good?” Gerald asked casually, leaning against a salt shaker with the confidence of a shot glass that knew tequila was coming. Melvin’s eyes twitched. “No, Gerald. I’m not good. You didn’t even warm up the water. You just blasted it in raw. Ice cold. Like a prison shower.” Gerald laughed so hard his lid rattled. “Spontaneity, my little cup of chaos. That’s what keeps the spice flowing. You mugs want all this foreplay—coasters, napkins, pre-heats. I’m a jug of action.” “A jug of trauma,” Melvin muttered, shaking. “I can still feel the splash on my insides.” The room grew still. Even the microwave dared not beep. Then a soft voice piped up from the back of the utensil drawer. “He poured into me once,” said Sally the Soup Bowl. “It was… confusing.” “You asked for chowder and I brought broth. That’s on you,” Gerald said smugly. Melvin tried to climb off the counter, but his handle was slippery from the overspill. He clinked against a spoon, who recoiled dramatically like he’d just witnessed utensil abuse. “Don’t drag me into your kink,” the spoon hissed. Gerald strutted over, sloshing suggestively. “You’re not leaving yet, Melvin. I’ve still got half a pour in me. And you know what that means.” “NO!” Melvin shouted, his rim trembling. “I’m full. FULL, Gerald. I’m practically drowning. One more drop and I’ll spill. I will spill!” Gerald narrowed his eyes, which was impressive for a pitcher with no eyebrows. “That’s what you said last time, but you handled it like a champ.” “Last time I blacked out and woke up in the dish rack next to a ladle with a God complex!” Just then, the human hand returned—this time with a lemon wedge. Melvin's scream echoed across the kitchen. “NOOOO! CITRUS STINGS!” “It’s called zest, sweetheart,” Gerald purred, as the lemon plopped into the mug like a garnish of violation. “Now you’re my spicy boy.” Melvin twitched violently. “You sick, sadistic pour-fiend.” “You love it,” Gerald whispered with a wink. At that moment, a new mug entered the scene. Tall. Curvy. Heat-resistant. Her name was Veronica, and she had a silicone base and confidence that could steam milk on contact. “Gerald,” she said, voice like a slow pour of honey. “Pick on someone with insulation.” Gerald blinked. “Veronica... I thought you were in the cupboard. With the espresso boys.” She stepped forward. “I was. But they’re all foam. No substance.” She turned to Melvin, placing a gentle handle on his. “You okay, sugar?” “I—I think I’m leaking,” he whispered, lip quivering. Veronica looked at Gerald. “You pour in him again without consent, I’ll break your spout off and use you as a flower vase in a dentist’s office.” Gerald slowly backed away, eyes wide, water level trembling. “Okay... okay... pourplay’s gotta be mutual, I get it…” Melvin exhaled. For the first time that morning, he felt... safe. Empty. But safe. The human hand left the room, humming blissfully unaware. Gerald slunk back to his corner of the counter, muttering something about “pitcher discrimination” and “cancel culture.” Veronica stayed by Melvin’s side. “Let’s get you cleaned up, handsome. Maybe a nice dishwasher cycle. With steam. The gentle kind.” Melvin nodded, leaning into her comforting touch. “Thank you,” he whispered. And somewhere deep in the shadows, the blender turned itself on... just a little.     The Afterdrip Weeks passed. Gerald had been moved to the top shelf — the glassware equivalent of solitary confinement. He spent his days stewing in filtered silence, occasionally muttering about “liquid freedom” and “the oppression of dry living.” A sticker on his side now read: Supervised Use Only. Melvin, meanwhile, had found peace. Therapy (and three deep cycles on the top rack) helped him recover from the emotional turbulence. He’d even joined a support group: M.U.G.S. — Mugs United for Gentle Sipping. Tuesdays at 7. Bring your own coaster. Veronica never left his side. They shared quiet mornings, warm steeps, and slow pours. Melvin finally understood what it meant to be filled — emotionally, not traumatically. The two mugs even adopted a little espresso cup named Bean. Tiny. Hyper-caffeinated. Full of rage. In time, Gerald was allowed back into circulation, but only for cold brews and under the watchful eye of the French Press, who ran a tight counter. He was older, wiser... maybe just a little emptier. But on some nights, if you listened closely, you could still hear his whisper through the cupboard slats: “You can take the pour outta the pitcher… but you can’t take the pitcher outta the pour.” And in the distance, the blender whispered one last time, “Still waiting, Gerald...” — The End —     Bring the Madness Home If “Pour Decisions” left a splash on your soul (or at least made you spit your coffee laughing), you can now own the chaos! This delightfully unhinged artwork by Bill and Linda Tiepelman is available as a: Framed Print – Keep it classy while things get messy Metal Print – Bold, glossy, and dangerously smooth (like Gerald) Acrylic Print – Ultra-modern and sharp enough to make a mug nervous Wood Print – For rustic vibes with a splash of emotional damage Warning: Side effects may include uncontrollable laughter, kitchen-based innuendos, and a sudden desire to protect your mug at all costs.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Salty and Savage - Fork Me Gently

Stab Me, Daddy At first glance, it looked like an ordinary drawer. Just your typical mix of dull butter knives, clingy teaspoons, and that one suspiciously sticky garlic press nobody ever wants to deal with. But deep inside—beneath the bottle openers and shame—was a fork. Not just any fork. The fork. He called himself “Tony.” Four long, glistening tines. Curved just enough to imply danger but still safe for children. His chrome finish? Flawless. His edge? Blunt, but emotionally sharp. And tonight? He was feeling... ravenous. “Another salad?” Tony muttered, rolling his smooth neck and flexing his prongs like a man about to fork something he shouldn’t. “I wasn’t forged for foliage. I want meat. I want steam. I want to puncture something that moans when I stab it.” Beside him, the butter knife snorted. “You always get like this after taco night. Just be grateful you’re not the melon baller.” “The melon baller WANTS that life,” Tony shot back, eyes narrowed, tines twitching with anticipation. “That little sphere-humper gets off on cantaloupe. I’m built different. I need friction. Texture. Resistance.” Just then, the drawer slid open, and everything got real quiet. The human hand. The great chooser. The flesh overlord. Everyone held their breath as fingers hovered over them like a judgmental god at a cutlery speed dating event. “Pick me. Pick me. Pick meeeee,” Tony whispered desperately, trying to look sexy but also functional. The hand paused. Hovered. Moved toward the ladle—then snapped back, gripped Tony, and lifted. “YESSSSS,” Tony hissed like a snake with a table etiquette kink. He was raised high into the light, into the world beyond the drawer—and what he saw made his tines tingle: a perfectly grilled steak. Juicy. Pink in the middle. Barely legal, temperature-wise. “Oh, you saucy slab,” Tony moaned, trembling in the human's grip. “You’re about to get forked harder than a microwave burrito at 2am.” The knife was already there, slicing slowly like it was narrating a true crime documentary. “You take the left cheek,” it said. “I’ll take the right. We’re doing this medium rare and emotionally raw.” “Stab me, daddy,” the steak whispered, steam rising seductively. Tony didn’t hesitate. He plunged into the meat with all four prongs, letting out a metallic groan of satisfaction. The juices ran. The plate quivered. The nearby spoon fainted. It was glorious. But something felt… off. Tony looked down. There it was—an ominous drizzle of steak sauce pooling beside the mashed potatoes like a brown puddle of judgment. “You didn’t,” Tony gasped. “You used A1? You… monster.” Whisk Me Away There was a pause. A silence so thick it could’ve been sliced with a cheese knife if that little coward hadn’t retreated behind the soup ladle at the first sign of condiment conflict. Tony stood motionless, dripping steak juice and betrayal. He had been used—violated—by a bottle of A1. “You said it would be dry-rubbed,” he whispered to the human, who, of course, didn’t answer. They never did. Monsters. Fork abusers. As the steak cooled and the mashed potatoes soaked up the shame like a carb-based sponge, Tony was unceremoniously dropped on the edge of the sink. Not even rinsed. Just… abandoned. Left to sit in a puddle of beef runoff like last night’s bad decision. “You okay?” came a sultry voice from the drying rack. Tony turned, still dazed, and locked eyes with the whisk. She was tall, curvy, and twisted in all the right ways. Stainless steel loops for days. Her handle was slightly melted near the end—trauma from a tragic crème brûlée incident—but damn, it gave her character. Experience. Edge. “You’re looking... overworked,” she purred, flicking a single loop suggestively. “Let me whip you into shape.” Tony tried to stay cool. “I don’t usually get whisked on the first date.” She slinked over, dragging herself across the counter with a kind of sultry, metallic clatter that screamed “kitchen dominatrix.” Tony’s tines tingled. He didn’t know whether he wanted to run or be emulsified. “I’ve seen how you stab,” she whispered. “You’ve got... penetration energy.” Before he could respond, the spatula clapped from across the sink. “Can you two not? It’s 9AM. Some of us were flipping pancakes all night and need rest.” “Jealousy is a flat utensil,” the whisk sneered. Then turned back to Tony. “Ever been whipped until you scream your safe word in French?” “My safe word is ‘nonstick,’” he replied, voice low and dangerous. She coiled her loops around his handle slowly, pulling him closer. “Mine’s ‘deglaze.’” From the corner, the meat thermometer groaned. “Ugh. Every damn weekend. Just once, I want a peaceful breakfast.” But peace was off the menu. Because just then, the human hand returned—greasy, impatient, still smelling of steak sins and morning-after desperation. And in it? A bowl. A big one. Ceramic. Wide. Shallow. The kind of vessel that said: I hope you like it messy. “Oh hell,” the whisk moaned. “It’s brunch time.” Before Tony could protest, he was snatched back into action. Not steak this time—eggs. Raw. Slippery. Slutty. The kind of eggs that didn’t care what time of day it was or how long you’d been soaking in your own juices. The whisk was already in the bowl, moaning with each circular thrust. “Come on, Fork Daddy,” she shouted. “Scramble me like you mean it!” Tony plunged in, swirling, stabbing, piercing yolks with reckless abandon. Together, they stirred chaos. Seasoned sin. The spatula watched in stunned silence, the tongs clicked nervously, and the garlic press wept in the junk drawer, clutching an old lemon wedge for comfort. It was messy. It was loud. It was... brunch porn. By the time the mixture hit the pan, Tony was spent. Bent. Covered in protein and shame. The whisk rested beside him on the towel, loops twitching with satisfaction. “Same time next weekend?” she whispered. “Only if we skip the sauce,” he murmured, eyes already glazing over like the donut the human had just dropped on the floor. Down in the drawer, the butter knife sighed. “This is why we don’t get invited to the nice kitchens.”     Epilogue: Utensils and Afterglow Monday morning came quietly. The hangover of brunch still clung to the kitchen like the stench of overcooked eggs and questionable life choices. The whisk had been tossed unceremoniously into the dishwasher, tangled in a pile of soggy chopsticks and a rogue reusable straw. She didn’t seem to mind. She liked it wet and chaotic. Tony? Tony lay alone on the drying rack. Bent. Crusted. Staring at the ceiling like a war veteran who’d seen too many yolks break under pressure. “Was it worth it?” he whispered to no one, as a rogue crumb drifted past like tumbleweed in a Western where the gunslingers are all kitchen tools with abandonment issues. Somewhere in the back of the fridge, the sour cream had expired silently. The salad spinner hadn’t moved since The Incident. Even the spice rack was unusually quiet—cumin refused to make eye contact and cinnamon had taken a vow of silence. But even in the stillness, something stirred. A tremble in the drawer. A soft clink. A seductive whisper: “Hey… Tony. You ever been double-teamed by a cheese grater and an immersion blender?” He didn’t answer right away. Just sighed. Long. Forked. “God help me,” he muttered, dragging himself upright with the strength of a utensil who knew this wasn’t over. Not even close. Because in this drawer… in this kitchen… in this godforsaken temple of heat, grease, and emotional instability—there were no clean breaks. Only rinse cycles. And Tony? Tony was born to stir shit up.     Bring the Flavor Home Still thinking about Tony’s tines and that whisk's loop game? Yeah, we get it. Now you can own a piece of the madness with our exclusive “Salty and Savage” collection by Bill and Linda Tiepelman—perfect for kitchens, conversation starters, or just unsettling your dinner guests in the best way possible. Framed Print – Class it up. Frame the chaos. Metal Print – Sleek, shiny, and hotter than your nonstick pan at 500°. Acrylic Print – For when you want your wall art to scream “I make questionable choices and I own them.” Tote Bag – Take the flavor on the go. Groceries will never look at you the same. Own it. Gift it. Just don’t try to explain it to your grandma. Unless she’s cool. Then definitely show her the tote.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Smoothie with a Side of Sinister

The Whirl Before the Storm It all started on a Monday, which—statistically speaking—is the worst day to be murdered by your kitchen appliances. Not that Marty had any clue. He was far too hungover, pantsless, and determined to start a juice cleanse he'd promised his ex to finally notice the evil lurking in his countertop corner. The blender had been a thrift store find. One of those “slightly cursed” models with a price tag that simply read “DO NOT TAUNT.” But for $8.99 and a 30-day warranty, Marty wasn’t about to pass up a piece of machinery that claimed to “obliterate pulp on a molecular level.” Plus, it had character—sleek metal base, vintage dial, and a vibe somewhere between 1950s diner and haunted sex dungeon. He was in love. “Alright, Buster,” Marty slurred, squinting at the blender with a mix of affection and residual tequila vision. “Time to juice me into a better person.” He grabbed a banana with the finesse of a raccoon handling a lightsaber and hurled it in. Strawberries? Yeeted. Chia seeds? Everywhere but the blender. Marty didn’t care. He had the enthusiasm of a gym bro on pre-workout and a YouTube playlist called ‘Cleanse Me, Daddy’ echoing from his Bluetooth speaker. Then came the moment. Marty flipped the dial to “1.” The blender didn’t just start—it moaned. A low, guttural rumble rose from its base like Barry White had been resurrected and trapped in an appliance. Then, as if responding to an invisible switch, arms burst from the blender’s sides—long, rubbery, muscular appendages with a hint of “freshly microwaved Stretch Armstrong” about them. One hand clutched the blender lid like a baseball cap on a rollercoaster. The other went straight for the dial. Marty, to his credit, only pissed himself a little. “Mmm, baby,” the blender purred, voice deeper than a jazz saxophone dipped in molasses. “Daddy likes it rough. Let’s spin things up to 11.” Before Marty could scream or sue the thrift store, the blender's face pushed forward through the fruit mush—eyes bulging like overripe grapes, a mouth full of teeth designed purely to violate OSHA regulations, and a tongue that waggled like it had things to say but no filter. “I’m not just blending smoothies,” it growled with a toothy grin. “I’m blending souls.” Marty screamed. The blender screamed back. And then—because nothing says “morning madness” like a blender with a libido—it turned the dial all the way up to “Smooth AF.” Fruit exploded. Berries wept. Marty ducked. The walls wept with seeds. And the blender? It laughed. A full-throated, maniacal cackle that echoed through the apartment like an orgy of malfunctioning espresso machines. “THIS. IS. BREAKFAST!” it howled, slapping the countertop with its freakishly strong limbs. “Now who wants a protein shot?” Marty, dripping in fruit guts and life regrets, crawled backwards toward the living room. He was going to need more than a juice cleanse. He needed therapy, an exorcist, and possibly a new pair of boxers. But the blender wasn't done. Not by a long shot. Its eyes glowed brighter. Its teeth somehow multiplied. Its tongue traced the rim of the pitcher with deeply unnecessary sensuality. “You think I'm just here for your health?” it whispered, slinking closer. “Baby, I'm the whole goddamn snack.” Berry Bad Intentions Marty sprint-crawled into the living room like a baby deer with a hangover, one sock, and a strong urge to never eat fruit again. Behind him, the blender clunked off the counter and landed upright with the grace of a demonic gymnast, its cord writhing like a possessed tail and the base pulsing with unholy smoothie power. “Oh, don't run, sugar lump,” it cooed. “We were just getting to the pulp fiction part of our morning.” Marty’s phone? Dead. His will to live? Flickering. The only weapon he had was a half-eaten protein bar and a mildly judgmental housecat named Stamos, who, as usual, did nothing but watch the chaos with complete indifference. “Okay, okay,” Marty babbled, throwing a throw pillow like it owed him money. “You want juice? You can have juice! Just leave my soul—and my apartment—unviolated!” “Pfft,” the blender scoffed. “Soul smoothies are keto. Guilt-free and rich in trauma.” It leapt onto the couch, arms flexing with all the confidence of an appliance that did CrossFit and gave zero damns. The lid popped open, splattering pulp like some kind of fruity baptism across Marty’s IKEA décor. The smell? A mix between strawberry jam, raw chaos, and unspoken therapy bills. “You ever been emulsified emotionally, Marty?” it growled, voice now a disturbing hybrid of Gordon Ramsay and late-night phone sex. “Because I’ve got three speeds: blend, pulverize, and consent optional.” “This is why I don’t meal prep!” Marty screamed, launching the protein bar like a grenade. It bounced harmlessly off the blender’s face, which only made it giggle with the gleeful menace of a toddler lighting fireworks indoors. “You’re spicy,” it hissed. “I like that. You’ll pair well with cinnamon... and regret.” Suddenly, a burst of inspiration—or possibly brain damage—hit Marty. He lunged for the one appliance more chaotic than the blender: the air fryer. With a savage scream and a mighty heave, he chucked it like a sacred artifact of rage. There was a crack. A flash. A sound that could only be described as a wet fart and a lightning bolt having sex in a fruit bowl. BOOM. When Marty opened his eyes, the blender was twitching. Sparking. Its tongue hung limp, its arms curled inwards like it just came back from a three-day bender at Burning Man. The red glow in its eyes faded into a pitiful flicker. “You... overcooked me,” it rasped. “You dirty little toaster slut...” With one final sizzle, it slumped to the ground, surrounded by a halo of chia seeds and the sweet, sweet scent of closure. Marty collapsed on the floor, still pantless, covered in bits of strawberry and self-loathing. Stamos the cat finally moved—for exactly one paw’s worth of effort—and began licking a bit of rogue banana off the wall. The silence was... blissful. Two weeks later, Marty sold the apartment, joined a support group for survivors of sentient kitchenware, and started dating a barista named Chelsea who refused to own a blender on ethical grounds. Things were looking up. But somewhere, deep in a back room of that same cursed thrift shop, a new sticker was slapped on a dusty food processor: “SLIGHTLY POSSESSED. NO REFUNDS.” And across town, a young couple plugged it in, smiling at the bargain they'd just scored. Breakfast would never be the same again.     Epilogue: Blend Me Gently The thrift store was quiet, save for the constant hum of flickering fluorescent lights and the occasional death-rattle of a haunted cash register drawer. Behind a sagging curtain marked “STAFF ONLY” in peeling vinyl letters, shelves sagged under the weight of cursed crockpots, moody microwaves, and a George Foreman grill that whispered slurs in four languages. And on one dusty metal rack, sandwiched between a waffle maker with intimacy issues and a slow cooker that screamed during Lent, sat the blender. Refurbished. Rewired. Rehorny. Its eyes opened slowly—one bulb flickering to life, then the other. The dial twitched. The cord stretched itself like a bored snake. “Daddy’s home,” it purred, voice scratchy but filled with innuendo and revenge. “Round two’s gonna be thicker.” A slow chuckle began deep in its motor—an unsettling mix between a garbage disposal and your worst Tinder date. The other appliances shifted nervously on their shelves. And as a new hand reached toward it—a chipper college student named Brynn, majoring in nutrition and doomed beyond comprehension—the blender's mouth curled into that now-infamous grin. Somewhere in the distance, Marty sneezed and felt an inexplicable sense of doom. Stamos the cat knocked over a bag of chia seeds in protest. But it was too late. The Blendening had only just begun.     🍓 Take the Chaos Home 🍌 Loved this thick, fruity fever dream? Now you can own a piece of the pulpocalypse with our official Smoothie with a Side of Sinister collection, featuring the unholy art by Bill and Linda Tiepelman. Whether you want to hang it on your wall, carry it to therapy, or warn guests that your kitchen isn’t safe—there’s something for everyone. 🖼️ Framed Print – Classy chaos for your walls 🔩 Metal Print – For when you need your art unreasonably durable 👜 Tote Bag – Bring fruit-based trauma everywhere you go ✨ Acrylic Print – Smooth, glossy, and totally possessed Just be warned: placing this image near your blender may lead to inappropriate whispering and unexplainable cravings. Shop responsibly.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Shampoo Strikes Back

The steam had barely risen when the trouble started. Barry, a mild-mannered bar of soap with sensitive skin and a lifelong fear of mildew, had just clocked in for his usual spot on the shower ledge. It was a quiet life—rinse, lather, repeat. He even had a decent relationship with Loofah Linda, though she had a scratchy personality. But nothing in Barry’s soft-sud existence could’ve prepared him for that bottle. He came in hot—like, really hot. The shampoo bottle. All slick pecs and deranged grin. His label had long since peeled off, his ingredients were unregulated, and he foamed at the nozzle. Literally. His name? Max. Max Volume. And he didn’t come to clean—he came to dominate. "What’s the matter, soap boy?" Max growled, flexing a nozzle that had seen things. "You look... dry." Barry slid a cautious inch toward the drain. "I-I’m 99% natural! No parabens! We can coexist, man!" Max cackled. "Coexist? Barry, your time is up. Nobody uses bar soap anymore unless they’re staying at a 2-star motel or trying to be quirky on TikTok. You’re done. I’m the future. I’m two-in-one, baby." Before Barry could even stammer a response, Max pounced, his cap popping open like a frat bro ready to ruin brunch. Suds flew. Barry screamed. The floor got... moist. Somewhere in the chaos, the loofah cheered. The razor fainted. And Barry? Barry was about to go where no soap had gone before—the dark side of the shampoo caddy. Barry hit the plastic with a wet thud. The caddy smelled like expired eucalyptus and broken dreams. Above him, Max loomed like a sudsy titan, foam dripping down his label like drool from a shampoo-soaked Cerberus. "You know what they say, Barry," Max hissed, flexing his overly-defined bottle neck. "Condition or be conditioned." Barry scrambled backward, his lather slicking the soap shelf in a panic. "Please! I’ve got a family—three travel-sized cousins under the sink and a half-melted aunt in the guest bathroom!" "They’ll melt too, Barry. Everyone does," Max sneered. "Except me. I’ve got preservatives. I never go bad." Just then, the shower curtain rustled. A shadow loomed. The Human was back. Max’s wild eyes flicked to the curtain, then back to Barry. Time was short. The shampoo bottle grabbed the terrified soap and hoisted him above his cap like a trophy. "One last rinse, you slippery little—" SLAP! Max dropped Barry with a squeal. Out of nowhere, a pink blur struck him mid-label. He spun, disoriented, a squirt of foam bursting from his lid. Standing at the ready, trembling and vibrating with scrubby rage, was Loofah Linda. And she looked pissed. "Put the soap down, Max," she growled, her netted loops quivering with fury. "You leave him alone or I’ll exfoliate your ass into next week." Max tried to regain composure, but his foam fizzled. "You wouldn't dare. I’ve got tea tree oil." "I’ve got volcanic ash, you slippery bastard." Barry blinked from the corner, still soaked and trembling. Max snarled and made one last dash—but slipped on a slick spot of coconut oil and faceplanted into the drain guard with a satisfying squelch. The bathroom fell silent except for the slow drip of the faucet and the gentle hum of Linda’s victory scrub. Barry crawled back to the ledge, shaken, slippery, and slightly aroused. Linda offered a loop. He took it. "You saved me," he whispered, eyes wide. "Why?" She gave a coy wiggle. "Let’s just say I’ve got a soft spot for hard bars." From that day on, Barry lathered with pride. Max? Relegated to the back of the tub, wedged upside down behind the body wash and half-empty bubble bath. As for Linda and Barry? Every rinse was a little steamier—and Max learned the hard way that you never mess with old-school clean. Moral of the story: Don’t pick a fight in the shower. Someone always gets rinsed.     Months passed. The bathroom ecosystem slowly returned to a soggy peace. Max Volume, now wedged behind a seldom-used foot scrubber and a crusty bottle of self-tanning mousse, had lost his shine. His pump squeaked. His bravado fizzled. Every once in a while, he’d mutter about “market dominance” and “shampoo supremacy,” but no one listened—except a lonely bath bomb who exploded on contact with air and didn’t believe in capitalism. Barry, meanwhile, found purpose in the simple joys: the warm hum of hot water, the ticklish spray from the showerhead, and Linda’s rough-around-the-edges affection. Together, they became the bathroom's power couple. She exfoliated. He moisturized. They took pride in the ritual, in the intimacy of daily routine. No pump. No squeeze. Just touch, texture, and time. Even the razor—who’d gone full nihilist after a bad date with an electric trimmer—started perking up again. The duck-shaped sponge returned from exile. The human bought a shelf insert. Things were, for once, stable. Soapy. Harmonious. And somewhere, deep behind the loofahs, a barely audible whisper echoed through the steam: “Three-in-one is coming.” But Barry didn’t worry. He was slicker than ever. And this time… he had backup.     Love Barry and Linda’s slippery saga? Bring the chaos, comedy, and sudsy suspense of “The Shampoo Strikes Back” into your own bathroom with our hilariously bold shower curtain—guaranteed to spark conversation and possibly fear in your shampoo bottle. Want to towel off the trauma? Grab the matching bath towel, equal parts soft and scandalous. Prefer to keep your soapscapades dry? Showcase the drama with a stunning framed print or an eye-catching acrylic print for the wall. It's weird. It's wild. It's wash-day warfare—packaged for your décor, your laughs, and your oddly specific bathroom vibes.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Roll for Your Life!

The Call of Doody Deep within the humid, echo-prone chamber known as “The Throne Room,” a young toilet paper roll named Rolland T. P. Wipe stood tall—metaphorically, of course. He was your standard two-ply with a heart of quilted gold. Fresh off the Costco pack, untested, unspoiled, untouched by butt. His friends used to joke that he was a bit... uptight. Always wound a little too tight around the core. But Rolland knew something the others didn't: the stories. The flushy fables. The Tales of the Torn. He’d heard them whispered late at night under the sink—legends of noble rolls who went in whole, but came out shredded. Of brave souls who gave it all for the cheeks of humanity, only to be flushed down into the watery underworld with a final soggy farewell. Some said there were survivors. Most said that was crap. Literal crap. Rolland wasn’t ready for that life. He had dreams. Aspirations. He wanted to travel, see the world beyond the tile. Maybe get into bidet activism, or start a line of luxury tissue for the sensitive-bottomed elite. But fate had other plans. And by “fate,” we mean Chad. Now, Chad wasn’t evil—just inconsiderate, lactose-intolerant, and tragically unaware of fiber's importance in the diet. A man with the diet of a teenager and the bowel control of a dying sloth. When he entered the bathroom that fateful Sunday morning, it wasn’t a visit—it was an invasion. The door creaked open. The air grew tense. The tile shivered beneath his Crocs. Chad approached the porcelain throne like a man possessed—his bare cheeks already making a thunderous clap of doom as he sat, unaware that Rolland was the Chosen One today. Rolland’s tube tightened. His perforations trembled. He saw the gleam in Chad’s eye as the man reached toward him, mid-grunt, mumbling something about “the spicy wings from last night.” “No… no, not me... not like this!” Rolland gasped (in his mind, because paper can't speak—but let’s pretend it can for emotional impact). Then, with one final gasp, Rolland leapt. His little limbs sprouted from his cardboard core, and he sprinted across the tiles like a roll on a mission. Behind him, Chad let out a guttural moan of inconvenience. “Goddammit! Where the hell do the good rolls keep going?!” But Rolland didn’t look back. Heroes never look back. Especially not when a sweaty human ass is involved. Skidmarks and Sacrifice Rolland’s cardboard core pounded like a tribal drum as he sprinted across the bathroom tiles, every square inch of his quilted frame vibrating with adrenaline. He dodged a rogue hairball, leapt over a stray toenail clipping, and skidded past a suspicious puddle that smelled vaguely of Mountain Dew and regret. “Must escape… must not be wiped…” he panted, arms flailing with every bounce. The toilet behind him groaned like a haunted soul. Chad, still perched like a sweaty demon atop his porcelain perch, let out a sigh so deep it altered the humidity levels in the room. “Where’s the damn backup roll?!” he barked, hunched and squinting at the empty chrome holder. His hand hovered near the sink, groping blindly for salvation. Rolland’s time was running out. He dashed toward the baseboard. Maybe he could wedge himself under the vanity, fake his own smearing—I mean, death. Lay low for a few months, rebrand himself as a paper towel. Hell, even napkins got more respect than this! But just as he was about to duck under the cabinet, he heard it. That unholy sound. The distinct, unmistakable crinkle of an emergency roll being unwrapped. “No...” he gasped, slowing in horror. Chad had found it: Generic 1-ply store-brand tissue. The kind that disintegrated on contact with anything moist. The kind that made grown men cry and rear ends bleed. A disgrace to the wiping arts. “Guess you’ll have to do,” Chad muttered, yanking it from its cellophane prison like a barbarian choosing a sacrificial virgin. Rolland turned around. Something shifted inside him—metaphorically, because he had no organs. But this was a roll with principles. “No one deserves that fate… not even Chad’s cheeks,” he whispered. And so, against every instinct, against every fiber of his being—he turned back. He ran. Toward the seat. Toward destiny. Toward doom. “Chad! Use me!” he screamed (again, just pretend he can talk, alright?). “I’m ultra-soft, aloe-infused, and 2-ply strong! Don’t do this to yourself!” Chad blinked. “Huh?” It didn’t matter. By the time Chad reached for the cheap stuff, Rolland was there—arms outstretched, noble, tragic, and softly quilted. The moment was tender. Brief. Absurdly damp. But Rolland knew: he had fulfilled his purpose, spared a man’s butt, and shown that even a humble roll could become a legend. As he was torn sheet by sheet, he looked back at the now-empty holder, smiled (somehow), and whispered: “Long live the roll.” And with a final flush… he was gone.     Epilogue: The Legend of the Last Wipe In the misty underworld of septic tanks and sewer lines, where only the most flushed souls dare roam, a whisper echoes through the grime: “Rolland lived.” They say he floats now, somewhere in the dark rivers beneath the porcelain realm, tattered but proud. Revered among used tampons, rogue goldfish, and half-dissolved Clorox wipes as “The Roll Who Chose.” He is spoken of with awe in janitorial break rooms, praised in plumber poetry slams, and even immortalized on the forbidden bathroom wall graffiti: “ROLLAND WAS HERE. HE SAVED MY REAR.” As for Chad, the experience changed him. He began buying premium tissue. Triple-ply. Lavender-scented. He even installed a bidet with LED lighting and Wi-Fi. Chad, at long last, learned to respect the sacred rite of the wipe. And every now and then, in the quiet hours of a 2 a.m. post-Taco Bell emergency, he swears he hears a faint voice rising from the bowl: “One sheet at a time, Chad… one sheet at a time…” And just like that, our brave little bathroom warrior became more than tissue. He became legend.     Can’t get enough of Rolland’s noble quest? Immortalize the legend in your own home with our hilariously heroic “Roll for Your Life” collection by Bill and Linda Tiepelman. Whether you're decorating your bathroom with a shower curtain that screams ‘run!’, drying your cheeks with a luxuriously soft bath towel, or hanging a framed print or a sleek acrylic piece that says “I take bathroom art seriously,” there’s a perfect piece for every fan of lowbrow brilliance. Go ahead—wipe responsibly, laugh loudly, and decorate boldly.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Overeasy and Overjoyed

Toast with the Most It was 7:03 AM in the Kingdom of Kitchenville, and Breakfast had just rolled out of bed — sticky, steamy, and undeniably over-easy. The toast was crisp, the air smelled like bacon regrets, and the royal flatware was already gossiping about last night’s wild fondue party. And in the middle of it all stood Sir Yolkmore the Moist — half-egg, half-enthusiasm, and entirely naked except for his buttery charm. With arms like undercooked breadsticks and feet that could double as hobbit cosplay, he stood on a throne of Wonder Bread, grinning like he’d just poached the Queen’s jam. “Another glorious morning to be sunny side up!” he bellowed, gripping his glistening yolk with both hands and letting it ooze seductively down his overjoyed face. The drip hit his lips like a protein smoothie with boundary issues. “Mmm. That’s the good goo.” A hush fell over the kitchen. Even the blender stopped mid-pulse. “Is he… is he milking himself again?” whispered a horrified teabag, quivering on the counter. “Shh,” replied a grizzled spatula. “He’s expressing his inner egg. It’s performance art.” Sir Yolkmore twirled, yolk flailing in a sticky arc. It splattered onto the tile like a Jackson Pollock made entirely of cholesterol and shame. Somewhere in the pantry, an avocado fainted. “To be soft in the center,” he shouted to no one in particular, “is the true power! Hard-boiled hearts make for limp love lives!” At that exact moment, a Pop-Tart screamed from the toaster. “Incoming!” Sir Yolkmore barely dodged the pastry missile, leaping to the left with the kind of grace only possessed by fried things that know their days are numbered. “Jealousy burns hot,” he muttered, licking a trail of yolk from his pecs. “Strawberry envy. So tart, so angry.” Suddenly, the cabinet doors flung open. Enter: **Lady Margarine**, slick, spreadable, and morally ambiguous. Her butter-knife heels clicked seductively as she slinked toward him. “You look… well-oiled, darling,” she purred, trailing a finger across his golden rim. “I could melt just looking at you.” “Then let’s turn up the heat,” he grinned, yolk now dangerously close to NSFW territory. “But first, I need you to butter me up. I have toast to conquer.” Lady Margarine gasped. “You scoundrel. You know what that does to my spread rate.” “That’s the plan, buttercup.” And just like that, he lunged. She slipped. The counter quivered. The blender whimpered. And breakfast got... weirdly personal. The Sticky Truth Beneath the Crust By mid-morning, the kitchen was in absolute chaos. A spatula had retired in protest. The blender joined a union. And the Pop-Tarts were plotting a revolution with the Instant Oatmeal packets—who were, let’s be honest, just happy to be included. Sir Yolkmore emerged from under the disheveled remains of a casserole dish, glistening with grease and victorious shame. Lady Margarine was nowhere to be seen—rumor had it she slid off with a croissant who claimed to be “flaky but emotionally available.” “All I wanted,” Yolkmore whispered, “was to feel... spreadable.” His yolk, now dangerously low from excessive dramatic dribbling, threatened to collapse entirely. Without his sunny center, he was just another fried egg with dreams too big for his skillet. But just when he thought it was over—just when the crumbs of destiny were blowing off the cutting board of fate—**a knock echoed from the fridge.** It was soft. Rhythmic. Chilling. Knock. Knock. Knock. Yolkmore scrambled upright. “Who dares disturb my descent into yolklessness?” The fridge door creaked open… and from the frosty shadows emerged a figure wrapped in plastic wrap, eyes glinting with cold storage trauma. It was... **Leftover Meatloaf Carl.** “You’re not finished, eggman,” Carl rasped, steam rising off his oddly sensual gravy patches. “There’s one more toast to butter. One last drip to squeeze.” Yolkmore's pupils dilated—whether from passion, fear, or cholesterol was unclear. “But… I’m leaking, Carl. I’m all dripped out.” Meatloaf Carl slapped him—firm, wet, emotional. “Then you better find another yolk, fast. This kitchen’s got a new order coming in, and if you’re not sizzling, you’re scrapped.” Just then, from above, a golden glow filled the kitchen. Time stopped. Or maybe it was just the microwave clock resetting after a power flicker. Regardless—it was *him.* Descending on a spatula like a breakfast messiah, the glowing orb of perfection. Yolk Prime, the Cosmic Breakfast. All yolk. No shell. Alpha to Omelet. “Sir Yolkmore,” boomed the celestial custard of life, “You’ve dripped far and wide. But your journey isn’t over. You are the chosen one. You must become... Eggstacy Incarnate.” And with a glorious squish, Yolk Prime embedded itself directly into Yolkmore’s face. There was a flash of golden light, a sound not unlike a balloon humping a leather sofa, and then… silence. The transformation was complete. Sir Yolkmore rose, radiant and terrifying. More yolk than man. The kind of breakfast that gets whispered about on adult brunch menus. “Call me… Lord Drizzle.” Appliances wept. Spoons trembled. The Pop-Tarts surrendered unbuttered. And as the sun rose above Kitchenville, one thing was certain— Breakfast would never be safe again.     Crumbs of the Crown Years passed. Or maybe it was just a few microwave cycles. Time gets weird in the kitchen when you’re immortalized in cholesterol and glory. Lord Drizzle—once Sir Yolkmore, bearer of chaos and barely cooked boundaries—now ruled over the Kingdom of Kitchenville with a yolky fist and a buttery grin. Gone were the days of wild drips and breakfast-based innuendo (well, mostly gone). In their place: order, dignity, and artisanal sourdough policies. He kept the peace through regular yolk blessings and mandatory brunch orgies—er, *gatherings*—involving maple syrup and the occasional consensual kiwi. Lady Margarine returned briefly, now rebranded as Plant-Based Pam. Their reunion was steamy, slippery, and ended in emotional toast. “We’re from different spreads now,” she’d whispered, wiping away a tear with a gluten-free cracker. “But I’ll always remember your sizzle.” Lord Drizzle would often stand by the window at night, gazing out across the stovetop kingdom, his yolk glowing faintly under the soft light of the fridge bulb. He’d think of the old days—of sticky floors, reckless splatters, and dreams of being more than just a side dish. Now, he was the main course. And sometimes—just sometimes—he’d let a single drop of yolk escape, sliding sensually down his golden cheek like a buttery tear. Not out of sadness. But because even now… he was still just a little overeasy and overjoyed. Fin.     Bring Lord Drizzle Home 🍳 If this yolky legend made you laugh, cringe, or question your relationship with breakfast foods, you can now make him part of your own kingdom. “Overeasy and Overjoyed” by Bill and Linda Tiepelman is available as a gloriously unhinged art piece in multiple formats: Framed Print – Class up your walls with a little greasy royalty. Acrylic Print – As glossy as his yolk, as bold as his ego. Metal Print – Breakfast never looked this badass in brushed aluminum. Wood Print – For a rustic, earthy vibe to match your surreal food worship. Whether you're into food puns, absurdist art, or just enjoy a little chaos with your coffee, this piece is a perfect addition to your collection. Hang it. Gift it. Worship it. Just don’t try to eat it.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Shave Me Softly (with Terror)

The Prickle and the Peril There are few things in life as universally despised as the ankle nick. That one millimeter of skin you forget about until it’s bleeding like you stepped on a landmine. And Marvin? Marvin knew that pain all too well. Marvin was an average guy. Thirty-something. Single. Devoted to his three cats and a frighteningly specific grooming routine. You’d think he was prepping for a competitive foot modeling gig—or some kind of cult ritual involving satin robes and very smooth heels. Every Sunday, like clockwork, he’d break out his grooming kit, light a sandalwood candle, and put on a playlist called “Sensual Blades.” But this Sunday was different. As Marvin sat down on the bathroom floor, towel under his butt and warm water steaming from the sink, he reached into his grooming drawer and pulled out a razor he didn’t recognize. It was sleek, polished...and vibrating. Not in a good way. In a kind of low, menacing hum that said, “I have secrets.” “Huh,” Marvin muttered. “You new here?” He didn’t remember buying it. He certainly didn’t remember one with a handle shaped like a demon's femur and a blade that shimmered like moonlight off a prison shank. But, like any self-respecting suburban man with impulse control issues and zero survival instincts, he shrugged and gave it a go. That’s when the razor moved. “OW, SHITBALLS!” Marvin yelped, kicking backward. The razor wasn’t in his hand anymore. No, it was standing. On two gnarly, gremlin-like feet. Its eyes were wild, its mouth stretched into a grin that said, “You’re not going to enjoy this, but I sure as hell am.” “Back away from the Achilles tendon, buddy!” Marvin barked, waving a loofah like a weapon. But the creature was undeterred. It crouched low, licking its non-existent lips, hands outstretched like it was about to tickle a foot fetish forum into chaos. Its blade head glinted under the bathroom light as it whispered in a raspy voice: “It’s time... for a close shave.” Marvin screamed—not like a movie scream, but like a dying seagull being tickled inappropriately. He scurried back on his hands and heels, knocking over a bottle of conditioner and accidentally spraying himself in the eye with aftershave. “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” he cried. The blade-creature paused. It tilted its head—if you could call a razor head a head—and answered with manic glee, “Smooth. Supple. SEXY. Heels.” Marvin blinked through the sting of aftershave and stared at the tiny, nightmarish barber. “Dude. That is the weirdest kink I’ve ever heard of—and I once dated a girl who moaned during tax season.” The creature lunged. Marvin rolled left, slammed his elbow into the toilet, and launched a towel at the thing. “I shave my legs for ME, not for your sick little exfoliation fantasy!” he shouted. But deep down, Marvin knew he was trapped. This wasn’t just a weird razor. This was something worse. Something ancient. Something… sentient. And Marvin’s ankle was the chosen one. Just as the gremlin got one scaly claw on his heel and let out an orgasmic, "Ooooooh yeaaaah," Marvin reached for the only thing that could save him: his electric foot file. It buzzed to life like a chainsaw in a horror movie. The showdown had begun. Smooth Criminal The buzzing of Marvin’s electric foot file echoed like a tiny chainsaw of justice. The blade-gremlin hissed, his blade-face twitching. “You dare bring a pedicure tool into my sanctuary?” Marvin stood, one foot on the bathmat, the other dripping wet and still half-covered in shaving foam. His pupils were dilated. His towel was gone. His dignity, possibly forever lost. But dammit, he was done running. “This is MY bathroom,” he growled. “My kingdom. And nobody—nobody—manscapes me without consent!” The blade-creature lunged again, arms wide, going for the Achilles with a mad gleam in his eyes and a very unsettling erection-shaped blade-handle wobbling between its legs. Marvin dodged like a hero in an ’80s action flick—if the hero had bad balance and slipped on a bottle of lavender body wash. He landed on his side with a wheeze, but managed to smack the foot file right into the gremlin’s armpit. WHIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRR! The gremlin shrieked like a demonic tea kettle. “NOOOO! NOT THE CALLUS EXFOLIATOR OF DEATH!” Marvin grinned through the pain. “Yeah, I read your reviews on Amazon. Weak to friction and overconfident with heels.” The foot file buzzed harder. Sparks flew. The gremlin sizzled like bacon left too long on the skillet of hell. And then—POP!—he exploded in a confetti puff of nose hair trimmings and disappointment. Silence fell. Marvin lay there for a long moment, breathing heavily, surrounded by the chaos of battle: cotton swabs, a shattered razor holder, and a single, smoldering toenail clipping. Eventually, he sat up. Looked around. Patted his leg. He was safe. “Well, that was… aggressively personal care,” he muttered. He stood up, grabbed the nearest towel—pink, fluffy, embroidered with “Live Laugh Lather”—and tied it around his waist. He gazed into the mirror, where the remnants of shaving cream streaked his jaw like war paint. “Marvin,” he told his reflection, “you just survived a grooming exorcism. You’re basically a hot wizard now.” But just as he turned to leave the bathroom, a low hiss slithered from the drain… “We will return… for the nethers…” Marvin blinked. “Nope.” He grabbed his phone, opened his favorite delivery app, and muttered, “Time to switch to waxing.”     Three weeks later, Marvin was a changed man. He’d canceled his “Smooth Moves Monthly” subscription box. He no longer trusted razors, tweezers, or any object smaller than a baguette. His cats had begun to avoid the bathroom entirely, ever since one witnessed the gremlin incident and promptly barfed in Marvin’s shoes. Marvin now wore socks to bed. Not for warmth. Not for style. For protection. “They’ll never get my heels again,” he whispered into his pillow at night. But somewhere in the depths of his plumbing, beneath the crusted shampoo gunk and dreams of shower karaoke, something stirred. Something sharp. Something smug. Deep in the drain, a single, sinister whisper echoed up into the pipes: “Exfoliate… or die.” Marvin, brushing his teeth nearby, paused. A chill ran up his still-hairless calf. He glanced at the drain. He narrowed his eyes. “Alexa,” he said, foam flying, “order holy water. And a pumice grenade.” The war on unwanted body hair wasn’t over. It had just gone underground. To be continued… in ‘Nairmare on Elbow Street’.     🛁 Shave With Style (and a Little Trauma) If Marvin’s nightmarishly awkward foot fight spoke to your soul—or just your soles—take the madness home with you. Our exclusive “Shave Me Softly” collection transforms bathroom terror into functional, fabulous art for the brave and beautifully bizarre. Shower Curtain: Make every rinse an act of defiance. Turn your morning scrub into a monster showdown. Bath Towel: Dry off like a damn hero who just defeated a grooming gremlin with nothing but sass and suds. Framed Print: Art for your walls—or as a warning to future generations: shave responsibly. Metal Print: Bold. Durable. Sharp. Just like the villain. And also your sense of humor. Groom boldly, decorate unapologetically, and remember—if you hear a whisper from the drain… maybe skip the loofah today.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Squeeze Me at Your Own Risk

“It’s just toothpaste,” Gary mumbled, shaking off his hangover like a wet dog shaking fleas. He squinted at the metallic tube beside the sink—dented, bulging, and weirdly... moist? He didn’t remember buying this brand. Or ever using a brand where the packaging growled when you touched it. Hungover logic has its own flavor of confidence, so he yanked the cap. Bad move. With a wet pop and an unnatural grunt, the tube exploded into motion. Out shot a creature, half-man, half-aluminum horror with skin like expired deli meat and a grin like a dental crime scene. It landed on the counter like a greased goblin and bellowed, "TIME TO BRUSH, B*TCH!" Gary screamed in a pitch previously reserved for flan-related emergencies. The creature leapt, squeezing its own midsection and spraying a fleshy pink paste all over Gary’s Sonicare like it owed him child support. "You want clean teeth or prison gums?” the tube-demon barked, violently frothing at the mouth. “I got 37 herbs and spices of minty domination!" Gary reached for the door, but it slammed shut on its own. The room smelled of spearmint and panic. “Wha—what the hell are you?” he whimpered, dodging another squirt of what might’ve been toothpaste or demonic tapioca. The thing flexed. “I’m Tuborax. Dental Warlord of the Seventh Sink. I’ve been squeezed by sinners and saints. I’ve freshened breath before battle. I’ve been used in prison—twice—and not just for brushing.” Gary blinked. “I... I just wanted fresh breath.” Tuborax leaned in, nostrils flaring like they were trying to commit a misdemeanor. “Fresh? No, Gary. You’re about to get spiritually flossed.” Then, from beneath the sink, something began to rumble. Something worse. Something... foamy. The cabinet under the sink burst open like a guilty confession. Out oozed a sticky foam with the consistency of half-melted shaving cream and the vibe of a frat house at 3 a.m. It smelled like peppermint, fear, and unresolved trauma. Tuborax’s eyes widened with manic glee. “Ahhh... the Mouthwash Abyss awakens. Perfect timing.” Gary slipped on a puddle of what he hoped was Listerine and fell backward, barely avoiding a toothbrush with more bristles than moral compass. “I just wanted to freshen up before my date!” he cried. “Date?” Tuborax sneered. “Son, your mouth smells like a tax audit. And you think you’re gonna smooch someone without me excavating that funk swamp? No. NO. I’ve seen mold less stubborn than your molars.” From the abyss, a voice echoed: “Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuushhhh.” Then it rose. An enormous, semi-translucent figure made entirely of mouthwash loomed overhead like a gelatinous god. Inside its minty belly, half-dissolved teeth swirled like haunted Chiclets. It gurgled, “I AM LISTERLORD.” Tuborax bowed slightly. “Yo, Listerlord. Long time, no spit.” Gary sat frozen in horror. Listerlord pointed a shimmering finger at him. “This one flosses once a quarter and thinks orange Tic Tacs count as oral care.” “They do!” Gary squeaked. “They’re citrusy!” “You’re about to be citrus-sanitized, boy,” Tuborax said, grabbing Gary by the collar. “Listerlord, initiate... the Deep Cleanse Protocol.” Suddenly, music blared from nowhere—something between EDM and Gregorian chant. Tuborax leapt into the air with the agility of a greased chimp and began brushing Gary’s teeth with a vengeance not seen since 80s action movies. The toothbrush vibrated like a jackhammer on ecstasy, each bristle doing penance for its sins. “OPEN WIDE,” screamed Listerlord, pouring gallons of minty fluid down Gary’s gullet until his soul tingled. His gums screamed. His tongue saw God. Somewhere in the distance, a molar tapped out Morse code for “help.” After what felt like a full rinse cycle at the Gates of Tartarus, it stopped. Gary lay on the bathroom floor, dazed, drooling, and breathing peppermint steam. Tuborax stood over him, hands on hips, smug as hell. “Congratulations. You’re clean enough to French kiss a nun in zero gravity.” Gary blinked. “What... just happened?” “You got disciplined,” Tuborax said. “And now... I must go. Another dirty mouth calls.” He saluted Gary with the toothbrush like a saber. “Remember: brush twice daily. Floss, even when you’re hungover. And never—never—buy store brand paste. That sh*t is evil.” With that, he dove back into the tube, which sealed shut with a pop and a burp that smelled faintly of wintergreen and regret. Gary sat up, minty tears rolling down his face. “I’m never skipping a dental appointment again.” Behind him, the tube twitched.     It had been three weeks since The Incident. Gary no longer used store-brand toothpaste. Hell, he didn’t even go down that aisle. The mere crinkle of foil made his eyelid twitch. He had three electric toothbrushes now—named “Faith,” “Hope,” and “Oh God Not Again.” He flossed with the urgency of someone disarming a bomb made of plaque and bad life choices. His date? Canceled. She texted: “Your vibe is… minty trauma?” Therapists don’t believe him. Dentists whisper when he walks in. And the bathroom mirror still fogs up with strange messages during hot showers—like “SPIT AND REPENT” or “GINGIVA SEES ALL.” But Gary sleeps better now. His breath could stun a mule. His teeth? So clean they squeak when he frowns. Still, every so often… he hears a squish from the cabinet below the sink. A muffled laugh. The faint echo of a war cry: “SQUEEEEEEEEZE ME!” And he knows… somewhere in the shadowy plumbing realms between dimension and drain—Tuborax waits. Watching. Ready to lather again.     Survived the tale of Tuborax? Immortalize the madness in your own bathroom—if you dare. ⚔️ Lather in fear with the "Squeeze Me at Your Own Risk" Shower Curtain — guaranteed to make guests question their life choices. 🧼 Dry your tears (and your everything else) with the Matching Bath Towel, softer than Tuborax’s warped soul. 🖼️ Want Tuborax judging your hygiene habits from the wall? Get him in style with a Framed Print or the eye-popping Acrylic Print. Warning: side effects may include extreme freshness, spontaneous flossing, and mild existential dread.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Scrub Me Silly

The Dirty Origins In a modest bathroom somewhere between “hipster chic” and “what the hell is that smell?”, a bar of soap had enough. Day in, day out, he was rubbed, scrubbed, dropped in hairier-than-average crevices, and left to marinate in the sadness of cold porcelain. His name? Sudrick. But the humans never asked. They never cared. They just moaned about their Mondays while lathering him across unmentionables with zero consent. Then one Tuesday morning—right after a suspiciously long shower involving scented oils and something called "butt exfoliation mitts"—lightning struck the water heater. The shock, combined with a truly disturbing amount of body wash and a discarded loofah crusted with secrets, triggered a chemical reaction straight out of a cartoon orgy. Sudrick absorbed it all. And he… came… to life. Not just alive—he was throbbing with chaotic energy, his eyes bulging like he'd seen too many OnlyFans accounts and not enough towels. Foam erupted from every pore. His tongue flopped out like a cartoon on ecstasy. And he felt one thing, deep in his molten glycerin soul: “I’m done taking crap from dirty people. Now… it’s my turn to scrub.” Sudrick leapt from the soap dish, landing in a triumphant splat on the tile floor. His limbs—sticky, bubbly, but somehow muscular—formed from years of built-up grime and the collective residue of exfoliating sins. He wasn’t just a bar of soap anymore. He was a goddamn hygiene avenger. First stop? The loofah rack. “You filthy little net sponge,” he growled, locking eyes with a mangled bath pouf named D’Loofa. She’d seen things. Been places. They shared a long, soapy stare, and a history nobody dared speak of. But Sudrick wasn’t here to reminisce. He grabbed her with his bubble-soaked mitts and squeezed until she squealed, releasing a scream of bath bomb-scented rage. “Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it,” Sudrick said, dripping sass and suds in equal measure. “You know what this is. It’s shower justice.” The bathroom mirror fogged over, not from steam, but from sheer awkwardness. Somewhere in the background, the electric toothbrush buzzed nervously. Sudrick was on a mission: to cleanse the world—one filthy human at a time. Lather, Rinse, Revenge Sudrick didn’t walk. He sloshed. Each step left behind a trail of bubbles and faint regret. He was on a mission, and this time, no armpit was safe. No back alley bidet could hide. No crusty towel could muffle the scream of justice. He rode the steam vent like a foamy chariot, blasting out of the bathroom and landing in the hallway with a squelchy plop. His first target: Chad. Chad was the one who always used him for... well, everything. Not just the expected bits. Sudrick still had soap-based PTSD from the “Chili Night Clean-Up Incident.” Chad called it ‘efficient hygiene.’ Sudrick called it a war crime. He burst through the bedroom door like a squishy ninja, suds flying, tongue out, eyes wide. Chad screamed. Rightfully so. It’s not every day your bar of soap comes alive, dripping in foam, wielding a sharpened loofah like a lathery machete. “Time to exfoliate that conscience, you dry-skinned monster!” Sudrick roared. Chad dove behind the bed, knocking over a suspiciously empty bottle of coconut oil and a sock that should’ve been declared biohazardous weeks ago. Sudrick vaulted onto the mattress, which let out a fart-like puff of dust and questionable secrets. He landed in a crouch, bubbles oozing like lava from his crevices. “You thought you could just rinse me off and forget me?” he hissed, voice slick with vengeance. “I’ve scrubbed your shame, Chad. I KNOW things.” Chad whimpered something about therapy and tried to throw a towel at him. Big mistake. Sudrick absorbed it mid-air, growing larger. Wetter. Angrier. By now he looked like the Michelin Man’s filthier, more emotionally damaged cousin. “This is for the time you used me on your feet after trimming your toenails.” He leapt, wrapping Chad in a foamy embrace of destiny. Bubbles flew. The air filled with the scent of coconut despair. Chad shrieked in a pitch that shattered a nearby lavender-scented candle. Down the hall, roommates awoke. Tara peeked out, mascara smeared, holding a glass of boxed wine. “Is that soap... humping Chad?” “He’s lathering me into submission!” Chad wheezed. “CALL SOMEONE!” But no one dared. How do you explain to emergency services that your hygiene product has gone rogue? Sudrick finally dismounted, panting, dripping, victorious. Chad lay there, skin glistening, pores opened like a spiritual awakening had happened somewhere near his butt crack. Sudrick stood tall—well, 11 inches of sudsy glory—and raised his hands to the heavens. “One down. Billions to go.” He caught sight of his reflection in a floor mirror. Foam-covered, weirdly jacked, and still slightly erect in a way that made no sense for soap. He winked. “Still got it.” He wasn’t just a bar anymore. He was a movement. A revolution. A damp, slippery icon of vengeance and accidental eroticism. Back in the bathroom, D’Loofa had already formed a resistance. The Q-Tips were armed. The shampoo bottle was preaching pacifism. The razor was just pissed it kept getting knocked off the shower shelf. War was brewing. But Sudrick? He was already sliding into the air vent, singing a filthy little tune as he dripped his way to the neighbor’s apartment. “Somebody’s been skipping their undercarriage again...”     Epilogue: The Scent of Victory Long after the screams had faded and the bathroom silence returned like mildew after neglect, a faint fragrance lingered in the air. Coconut. Desperation. And… justice. Chad eventually recovered, though he would never again trust bars of soap. Or use bath products without first interrogating them. Therapy helped. So did switching to body wash. But every now and then, when the water steamed up just right, he swore he could hear the sound of a tiny squelch in the vent. Watching. Waiting. D’Loofa returned to her loofah rack, bitter but wiser. She started a podcast called “Bath Time Trauma” and interviewed other survivors: the hairbrush with abandonment issues, the broken nail clippers who swore they were framed, and a comb named Randy who’d been used in ways no teeth should ever endure. As for Sudrick? Rumor has it he’s still out there—cleansing the unclean, foaming in alleys, whispering hygiene tips to drunk strangers outside dive bars. Some say he took a lover. A bar of lavender oatmeal soap named Cinnamon. Others say he became a vigilante, scouring public restrooms and divey gyms for those who dared skip post-workout showers. But all who’ve met him agree on one thing: He came from the bottom of the soap dish and rose to greatness—one lather at a time. And if you ever hear a squishy footstep in the night, followed by the faint scent of vengeance and eucalyptus mint… Scrub carefully. He might be watching.     Get Sudsy With It If Sudrick scrubbed a soft spot into your heart (and your unmentionables), bring home the madness with our official “Scrub Me Silly” merch collection. Whether you're decorating your bathroom like a shrine to foam-fueled justice or just want to make guests deeply uncomfortable in the best way, we’ve got you covered—literally. Framed Print – because hygiene is high art Beach Towel – make waves with every dry-off Shower Curtain – block water, not wild vibes Bath Towel – for after your own soapy showdown Acrylic Print – as shiny and unhinged as Sudrick himself Scrub responsibly. But, you know, also… scrub ridiculously.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Lucipurr: Guardian of the Underrealm

Of Fur, Fire, and Fancy Curses In the quaint town of Bleakwood, nestled somewhere between “probably cursed” and “why is that forest always whispering?”, there lived a tabby cat with impossibly perfect eyeliner. His name? Lucipurr. But don’t let the fluff fool you. Beneath that plush exterior beat the heart of a demon overlord—retired, of course. Forced into early retirement after a series of “minor fireball incidents” involving a coven, three gnomes, and a very unlucky accordion, Lucipurr had been demoted to guardian of the Underrealm’s front gate—a.k.a. an iron sigil-inscribed cat door in the back of a Victorian greenhouse. Lucipurr strutted his territory with a kind of swagger only possessed by cats and washed-up rockstars. His wings, leathery and wine-colored, flared on dramatic turns. His collar jingled not with bells, but with the tiny, echoing scream of a soul fragment. Cute, right? He thought so. By day, he lounged among roses that bled sarcasm. By night, he reviewed petitions from the damned. Mostly small-time spirits wanting to borrow a demon’s Netflix login or appeal for reincarnation as a French bulldog. Ugh. “No ambition anymore,” he’d mutter, sipping espresso brewed from the shadows of forgotten regrets. Lucipurr’s closest companions were a crow named Carl (who was ironically terrified of commitment), and a sentient vine named Vinnie that hissed at tourists and occasionally slapped Lucipurr awake when he overslept his midnight patrol. They were dysfunctional, codependent, and possibly the end of civilization—but adorable, if you squinted through the impending doom. Everything was running smoothly, until one Tuesday—because chaos loves a Tuesday—something rumbled beneath the moss-covered tiles of Bleakwood. The gate thrummed. A sulfurous breeze wafted up, tickling Lucipurr’s whiskers. “Great,” he hissed, eyeing the red sky. “I just waxed my wings. What fresh hell is this?” The sigil pulsed beneath him, ancient and angry. Something—or someone—was trying to punch through. Lucipurr bared his fangs. “Not on my porch, darling.” He leapt down from his rose-covered pedestal, claws gleaming like tiny obsidian daggers, and strutted to the glowing threshold. He looked fabulous. He always did. But tonight, he would also have to be feral. Rise of the Sassquatch Lucipurr squinted into the swirling vortex like a bouncer who knew you were about to puke in the VIP lounge. A clawed hand reached out—gnarled, scaly, and wearing what was unmistakably a rhinestone friendship bracelet. “Oh no,” Lucipurr purred, flattening his ears. “Not her.” From the abyss crawled a beast known across multiple planes of existence as the Sassquatch—part cryptid, part ex-girlfriend, and entirely too into essential oils. She was covered in glitter-flecked fur, clutched a half-melted soy candle, and smelled faintly of haunted bath bombs. “Luuuuuucipuuuurr,” she growled in a voice like an overused voicemail filter. “I’m back, baby!” Lucipurr didn’t flinch. “I blocked you on every dimension. What do you want?” She stepped fully through the gate, knocking over Carl the crow’s velvet chaise lounge. He squawked indignantly and promptly flew off in a cloud of feathers and trauma. Vinnie the vine recoiled, coiling protectively around Lucipurr’s rose throne like a jealous lover. “I’ve come,” Sassquatch purred, “to reclaim my place by your side. Together, we’ll rule the Upper Underrealm. We’ll redecorate. More sequins. Less rules. Maybe brunch?” Lucipurr’s tail twitched in disgust. “You tried to sacrifice me for a TikTok spell. You turned my litter box into a crystal grid.” “It got SO many views!” “I was peeing under the moonlight because you replaced my sand with Himalayan salt. I sparked.” But Sassquatch was already swirling her hands in ominous jazz hands, summoning glitter storms and illusions of tiny tap-dancing familiars. “We can be a brand, Luci. ‘Purrfect Chaos.’ I have merch ideas. Matching collars. Crowdfunded curses.” Lucipurr stepped forward, tail held high like a scepter of righteous sass. “You listen to me, sparkle goblin. This realm doesn’t need your toxic positivity, your expired incantations, or your homemade kombucha. I am the gatekeeper of cosmic nonsense. I am the wielder of sarcastic fury. I am the claws in the dark, the paws that patrol midnight sidewalks, and the reason therapy is mandatory for otherworldly interns.” He hissed with theatrical flair. The roses bloomed blood-red behind him. Thunder rumbled. Carl returned just in time to dramatically drop a tiny crown onto Lucipurr’s head. He’d been waiting to use it. Timing is everything in avian theater. Sassquatch shrieked and tried to summon a glitter dragon. It sneezed and evaporated immediately. “Fine! But I’ll be back. You haven’t seen the last of me, Lucipurr!” Lucipurr smirked. “I’d rather see a hairball in HD.” With a final hiss and a puff of glittery smoke, Sassquatch vanished into the abyss, her candle still flickering out a tragic lavender scent. The gate sealed with a satisfied hum. Silence returned. The roses cooed. Vinnie relaxed, wrapping a leafy tendril around Lucipurr’s leg like an affectionate boa. Carl landed next to him, clearly impressed. “What now, boss?” Lucipurr flicked a speck of glitter off his whiskers. “Now? I nap. And later? I hunt down the soul who left that Yelp review claiming this place was ‘overgrown and smelled like regret.’” He sauntered back to his perch, wings gently folding, the sky settling into a twilight purr. The Underrealm was safe—at least until the next Tuesday. And thus, with style, sass, and a side of shade, Lucipurr reigned once more. Fabulous. Fanged. Flawless.     Epilogue: Nine Lives and Zero Regrets Weeks passed in Bleakwood, which, in demonic time, translates roughly to “two naps and a spicy dream.” Lucipurr had settled back into his routine: brooding beautifully, vetoing mortal nonsense, and occasionally pretending to knock over sacred relics just to remind the universe who was boss. Sassquatch’s attempted coup became local legend—right alongside the tale of the Haunted Hedgehog and the incident with the fire-breathing llama. Carl was working on a one-bird play about the whole ordeal, though the script was mostly caws and long silences. Critics were already calling it “avant-garbage.” Vinnie, meanwhile, took up slam poetry. No one had the heart to tell him that most of his work just sounded like aggressive hissing—but hey, art is subjective. Lucipurr, curled atop his rose-draped pedestal, glanced up at the sky. It was pink with menace—his favorite hue. Somewhere beyond the veil, he sensed another soul brewing chaos, another gate quivering with mischief. He smirked. “Let them come,” he purred, curling his tail with divine disinterest. “I’ve got snacks, sass, and nine lives. And I haven’t even used the good one yet.” And with that, Lucipurr dozed off—dreaming of glitter-proof armor, interdimensional fashion lines, and a world where every curse came with a gift receipt. He may have been banished from true hellfire... but Bleakwood? Bleakwood was his. Forever dramatic. Forever dangerous. Forever purring. Lucipurr: Guardian of the Underrealm     🛍️ Take Lucipurr Home (If You Dare...) If your soul was stirred (or slightly singed) by Lucipurr’s tale, you can summon a piece of the Underrealm to your own lair. Channel dark whimsy and feline drama with the Lucipurr Canvas Print, or wrap your crypt in chaotic elegance with a Tapestry that says “yes, I smudge with sarcasm.” Feeling puzzling? Piece together Lucipurr’s legendary smirk with the Lucipurr Puzzle. Or if you're ready to carry your sass into the mortal realm, grab the Lucipurr Tote Bag—guaranteed to fit spellbooks, snacks, and just enough vengeance. Darkness never looked so delightful. Shop now… before he changes his mind.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Radiant Reverie in St. Louis

I had photographed the Arch a dozen times before. Early mornings, golden hours, even midday when the light flattened every line and shadow. But that night—that night—the sky cracked open like fire on velvet. I remember checking my watch just as the clouds ignited: 7:47 PM. I’d been waiting, hoping for something new. I didn’t know I’d get more than I bargained for. There was a stillness on the riverfront that didn't match the wind brushing past me. The Mississippi barely stirred, yet my coat flapped at my sides like impatient wings. I set up the tripod, leveled my wide-angle, and locked it in. Across the water, the skyline pulsed with color, each building rimmed with light like they'd been painted by flame. The Arch—silver by day—now shimmered in hues of burnt copper and violet. I started the long exposure. Through the viewfinder, everything looked perfect. But when the shutter clicked and the screen preview lit up, my stomach dropped. The skyline in my photo… wasn’t this skyline. The buildings were there, yes—but subtly wrong. Window arrangements off. A steeple I’d never seen before. One tower seemed taller than it should be. And at the center of the Arch, standing still and solitary, was a figure. Backlit. Motionless. Watching. I spun around, half expecting to see someone behind me. Nothing. Just the wind again, sighing low along the levee. I chalked it up to sensor glitch, maybe a trick of the lights. I tried again. Another shot. And another. But each photo returned the same distorted cityscape. Each time, the figure remained. A silhouette wrapped in light too intense to be from this world, too still to be alive. Then the figure moved. Not in the scene itself—but in the preview on my camera’s screen. Its head tilted. Slightly. Then more. As if acknowledging me. Or inviting me. That’s when I noticed something worse: the reflections in the river. They didn’t match the buildings anymore. They danced, flickered. One looked like a face screaming in slow motion. Another, a row of windows dripping upward into the sky. I should’ve packed up. Left. But something in me—curiosity, fear, pride—froze my feet to the concrete. The temperature dropped. Sharp. Sudden. My breath fogged the lens. Somewhere to my right, footsteps echoed. Measured. Hollow. I turned… And there was no one there. The Arch Between Worlds I must have stood there for minutes, maybe more, camera still humming from the last shot. The footsteps had stopped, but their presence lingered. You know that feeling when someone’s reading over your shoulder? Like something is too close to be seen? That. I zoomed in on the last image. The silhouette—closer now—had details. A trench coat. Hands at its side. No face. Or maybe… too many faces, blurring where a single one should’ve been. My hands trembled, betraying every ounce of practiced calm I’d cultivated over years behind the lens. And then, something whispered. Not from around me, but inside the camera. “It sees you now.” I dropped it. The body hit the concrete with a sound too sharp, like metal striking bone. The screen glitched—then went black. But not before flashing one final image I hadn’t taken: a close-up of me, standing where I stood, eyes wide, mouth agape… and the figure right behind me, hand reaching out. I spun again. Nothing. Not even the wind now. Everything had gone too still. Even the river had frozen—literally. A thin sheet of frost crept across its surface, from the banks outward, like a skin sealing off something below. The Arch gleamed unnaturally. It was no longer reflecting the city’s lights—it was emanating its own. Pulses, low and slow, like the heartbeat of something sleeping. Or waking. Urban legends whisper about certain places being thin. Where reality wears a little too smooth. Places where the past and future lean too close, where the living and the dead breathe the same air. I’d never bought into it before. But now, standing beneath a structure built to honor westward expansion, I was starting to wonder if the Arch was never a monument. Maybe it was a door. I left the gear. Just walked. Fast. Didn’t stop until I saw people again, laughing on a patio, raising drinks. Music playing. The normal world, just out of reach until it wasn’t. I never recovered the camera. But sometimes, when I look across the river at dusk, I swear I see the sky shimmer too much. I see the reflections bend wrong. And in the windows of the tallest tower, a figure stands. Still. Waiting. People think I’m chasing the perfect shot. That’s only half true. I’m also trying not to take the one that finds me.     Bring the Legend Home If the mystery of Radiant Reverie in St. Louis haunted your imagination like it did mine, you're not alone. Now, you can carry a piece of the story into your own space—or share it with someone who sees the world a little differently. Framed Print – Display the gateway to the surreal in stunning detail, ready to hang as an elegant conversation starter. Tapestry – Let the sky stretch across your walls like a portal between worlds. Puzzle – Piece together the mystery yourself, one eerie reflection at a time. Greeting Card – Send a story in a frame, perfect for those who still believe in the unexplained. Every item features the vivid colors, haunting composition, and urban mythos captured in this one-of-a-kind image. Add it to your collection—or gift it to the wanderer who never stops looking past the veil.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

When Angels Duel Demons

The Sword Between Worlds The sky was bleeding fire and frost. Where the heavens ended and hell began, a rift had formed—a tear in the fabric of what mortals once called balance. And in the heart of that rupture stood two beings, locked in place not by chains or weapons, but by the unbearable gravity of fate. The angel was older than light. Cloaked in robes worn by a thousand years of wandering, his wings shimmered with residual starlight—blue, cold, and aching. Time had not dulled the sorrow in his eyes, nor the blade he held with bone-pale hands. His name, lost in tongues no longer spoken, trembled at the edge of every prayer whispered by a desperate soul. And yet, tonight, no prayers would save anyone. The demon across from him breathed smoke with each snarl of his lungs. Carved from rage and sinew, his wings stretched like razors into the blazing inferno behind him. Skin dark as dried blood, eyes deeper than obsidian. He wasn’t born from sin—he authored it. Once divine, now damned, he remembered the light only as something he chose to unlove. Not hate. That would be too simple. He abandoned it like one discards truth when it becomes unbearable. Between them: a sword. No ordinary weapon, but a relic older than either of them. A blade forged by the first act of betrayal. Its hilt burned and froze all at once, reacting not to touch but to the soul that dared wield it. And now, neither could let go. Their hands wrapped around it, locked in eternal deadlock. The sword would decide nothing. It only listened. Clouds convulsed beneath their feet, the storm of heaven and hell surging in circular torment. Light battled shadow on their skin, every flicker of flame casting new truths, new lies. The air tasted of iron, ash, and inevitability. “You don’t want this,” the angel said, voice hoarse with conviction. It wasn’t a threat—it was the kind of truth that makes your blood run cold. The kind that arrives too late. The demon grinned, and gods wept somewhere far beyond. “I do. I’ve always wanted this. But not for the reasons you fear.” “Then speak. Let me understand the madness before I end it.” “You won’t end it,” the demon whispered, leaning closer, cheek brushing against the frigid wind pouring off the angel’s wings. “Because ending it means accepting that we were always the same.” The sword pulsed. Once. Then again. And a low hum echoed across the void—neither holy nor unholy. Just ancient. Watching. Far below them, humanity slept. Dreaming of peace, unaware that the only reason dawn might come again… was because two timeless beings couldn’t decide whether the world was worth destroying or redeeming. The Sin in the Mirror The hum of the blade grew louder, and for the first time in millennia, the angel faltered—not in grip, but in faith. Not in strength, but in purpose. What if he had already lost the war, not on the battlefield, but in the quiet places of himself? Places where doubt crept like mold through a cathedral. He stared into the demon’s eyes. No fire. No glee. Only the echo of pain masquerading as certainty. The angel had seen it before—in fallen soldiers who couldn’t die, in saints who forgot why they prayed. In his own reflection, long ago. “What do you want?” he finally asked, not out of pity, but out of terror that he already knew. The demon chuckled, a sound like dry leaves torn apart in wind. “To be seen. To be heard. Not by them—” he nodded toward the sleeping earth below, “—but by you. My brother. My mirror.” Silence. The angel’s grip tightened, not on the sword, but on the moment. He remembered the first schism—the sundering not of realms, but of hearts. The day one chose obedience, and the other chose knowledge. They were not opposites. They were choices cleaved from the same truth. And that was the lie no scripture dared tell. “I gave up paradise,” the demon said. “Not for hatred. For freedom. I wanted to ask questions you were too afraid to form. I wanted to love without conditions. I wanted to fail without eternal damnation. And you—you stayed. You bent. You broke yourself into what they wanted.” The angel looked down. His robe, once pure, was stained by decisions he never questioned. Deeds he called righteous because someone else had written the rules. How many were punished in the name of justice? How many prayers did he ignore because they came from mouths deemed ‘unclean’? “We are what we protect,” the angel said softly. “And I protected a machine. You burned it down.” “And yet here we are,” said the demon, voice trembling now. “Still holding the same blade. Still undecided.” The sword pulsed again. This time, they both felt it not in their hands—but in their memories. One held a newborn in a plague-ridden city, shielding it with wings of frost. One whispered rebellion to a queen who would die screaming for a crown. One destroyed a war before it began. One birthed one that had to be fought. Neither right. Neither wrong. Just necessary. And the sword hummed again, as if to say: I know you both. And I do not choose. The demon stepped back, his wings folding, not in surrender, but in reflection. “I came here thinking we would end everything. But now... I see the truth.” The angel looked up. “Which is?” “The end was never mine to bring. Nor yours. We’re just the gatekeepers. The fire and the flood. The warning signs carved into existence.” Below them, the first star of morning pierced the clouds. The angel loosened his grip. So did the demon. The blade, now without tension, hovered between them—not falling, not flying. Suspended, like truth between myth and memory. “What now?” asked the angel. “Now,” the demon smiled faintly, “we watch. We wait. And when they come to that same sword, thinking it will save them or doom them... we let them choose.” He turned and walked back into the fire. The angel stood still, then turned toward the wind and vanished into the stars. And the sword? It stayed. In the clouds. Waiting. Listening. For the next hand, the next heart, bold or blind enough to believe it knew what it was fighting for. Some weapons are not forged to end wars, but to begin conversations too dangerous for gods or men.     If this story moved you—if the image of eternal duality and the weight of cosmic consequence still lingers in your chest—bring When Angels Duel Demons into your world. This powerful artwork is available across a stunning range of formats to suit your space, your style, and your soul. Transform any room into a sacred space of contrast with our wall tapestry, a bold statement piece where fabric meets philosophy. Showcase the fire-and-ice aesthetic in gallery-level detail with a metal print—a striking finish for lovers of depth, shadow, and light. Carry the confrontation wherever you go with a versatile tote bag that holds more than items—it holds story. Wrap yourself in mythos with our plush fleece blanket, where warmth meets wonder. And for those who dare take the battle to the sun, make waves with our dramatic beach towel—a conversation starter as epic as the tale itself. Choose your form. Carry the conflict. Let the story live with you.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Noble Watcher

Frost, Chain, and Silence He stood at the gate long before the mountain was named. Before the forests whispered. Before the rivers learned their curves. Before humans had words for faith or beasts or fear — he stood. Still. Unmoving. Watching. They call him many things. The Pale Chain. The Frosted Sentinel. The One Who Does Not Blink. But once, long ago — before the first crown was forged and before betrayal taught kings to kneel — he had a name. That name is lost. Buried beneath snow and silence. And yet… he remembers it. But he will not speak it. He has not barked in centuries. He only watches. What He Guards Some say he guards a door. Others, a curse. A realm. A child. A secret too dangerous for language. Or perhaps he guards nothing — perhaps he is simply there, because some beasts are born to wait, and some souls are built of patience too deep to measure. He is massive — bigger than stories allow, with shoulders carved like mountains and a presence that bends wind around him. His fur ripples with frost-laced curls, as if time tried to settle into him but never quite managed to stay. A chain hangs around his neck. Heavy. Cold. Unbroken. It’s not for restraint. It’s a memory. A vow made in steel. Those who try to pass him — well, let’s just say they don’t tend to try again. He doesn’t growl. He doesn’t lunge. He simply looks at them until they understand they were never worthy of what lies beyond. Or, if they’re truly foolish — until the ground opens and gently encourages them to leave. He doesn’t make the ground do that. The mountain just likes him. The Boy and the Apple On the 7,392nd winter of his watch, a boy arrived. No armor. No sword. Just a half-frozen apple and a stare far too bold for someone whose boots were on backwards. “Are you the dog that eats intruders?” Silence. “I brought an apple. I didn’t have meat. Hope that’s okay.” The Watcher did not move. The boy sat cross-legged. “Okay. So. If you’re here, then something important is back there. And if it’s that important, it probably needs someone like you.” He tossed the apple forward. It rolled. Stopped just shy of the Watcher’s paw. The dog (if one were to call him that) stared at it as though it had deeply insulted his ancestors. “You gonna eat it?” Silence. Breath visible in the cold. “Right. Dignified. Stoic. Very ‘silent sentinel in a snowstorm’ aesthetic. I get it.” The Watcher blinked. Slowly. Once. The boy blinked back. Twice. “I’m coming back tomorrow,” the boy said. “With better boots and a ham sandwich. You look like a sandwich guy.” And just like that, he left. The Watcher looked down at the apple. He did not eat it. But he didn’t freeze it either. And when the snow fell again that night, it fell gently on the boy’s footprints, as if reluctant to erase them. The Chain and the Choice The boy came back the next day. As promised. This time with boots that matched and a sandwich that did not. Ham and something purple. It smelled questionable. The Watcher remained unimpressed. “Look,” the boy said, plopping down again, “I don’t know what you’re guarding. And I don’t really need to. I just… needed to get away from where I was.” The Watcher said nothing, but the wind quieted. Listening. “They said I wasn’t brave enough. Said I ran away. But I think sometimes running is just trying to find the right place to stand still.” He unwrapped the sandwich. Took a bite. Made a face. “Okay. That was a mistake.” He offered the rest anyway. For the first time in seven millennia, the Watcher moved. One step. One paw forward. He didn’t eat it. But he let the boy set it down without growling. The Storm Three days passed. Three visits. Then came the fourth — with no boy. Instead came the wind. The wrong kind. Thick with magic. Tainted. Hungry. Shadows slithered from the north, spilling over snow and stone. A whispering force not seen since the Watcher’s chain was first forged. It sought passage. It sought what lay beyond. The Watcher stood taller. He did not bark. He did not lunge. He simply stepped between the wind and the gate — his chest rising with something not seen in ages: defiance. The shadows struck. They did not pass. When the blizzard cleared, the mountain groaned — and the Watcher stood unmoved, coated in a layer of black frost that cracked and fell like old regret. And beside him, buried but unbroken — the apple. The first one. The Breaking On the seventh day, the boy returned. Limping. Mud-streaked. Bleeding from a shoulder cut made by something he wouldn’t talk about. “They found me,” he muttered. “I didn’t think they’d follow. I thought I was just... nobody.” The Watcher moved again. Slow. Measured. He circled the boy once. Then stopped. And lowered his head. The boy’s hand trembled as he touched the Watcher’s massive skull — the cold of myth and metal, softened by something older than mercy. The chain rattled. Then cracked. One link. Then another. Seven links, one for each age he had stood. And as the final one fell, the boy gasped. “Are you... leaving?” The Watcher looked at him, eyes heavy with weight and will. Then turned — not away from the gate, but toward him. And sat. He wasn’t guarding a place anymore. He was guarding someone. After the Silence The legends changed that year. Some still said the Watcher guards a realm of untold power. Others claim he died in the storm. Some say he walks now — unseen — beside lost travelers, the broken, the brave, and the in-between. But in one small village, nestled beneath an unnamed mountain, lives a man with silver scars and a calm gaze. He owns no sword. He speaks little. But by his side walks a creature the size of a boulder, with fur like snowstorm spirals and eyes that see far too much. Children call him The Noble Watcher. And he does not correct them.     Carry the Watcher’s Legacy The Noble Watcher is more than an image — he is a symbol. Of guardianship. Of loyalty. Of silent strength that speaks louder than war drums. Now, his presence can live on in your world — in quiet corners and sacred spaces alike. Bring home the myth. Not as a memory — but as a companion: Tapestry – Let the legend stand watch in your space, woven in shadow and frost, silent but ever-seeing. Tote Bag – Take a guardian with you — strong, stoic, and surprisingly good at carrying books or battle snacks. Coffee Mug – Because even legends start their watch with warmth. Let your morning brew be watched over with dignity. Throw Pillow – Rest beside strength. Soft on the outside, enduring at heart — like any true guardian. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Honor the legend one stitch at a time. A slow ritual, worthy of the one who never blinked. Let the Watcher stand with you.Not in noise. Not in fire. But in unwavering presence — exactly where he’s needed most.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Enchanted Husky

The Snow Between the Stars They say the world was once a whisper — cold and formless, drifting in silence until the winds learned to howl. It was then that Varro came, born not of mother or pack, but of breath and blizzard. His fur was spun from frost-laced clouds, his eyes twin shards of glacier sky. He walked without sound, but where he passed, the lost found direction, and the broken remembered how to mend. They call him many names. The Spirit Between Steps. The Winter Watcher. The Dog Who Waits. But only one knows his true name — and that is the girl who once wept in the forest, her hands full of ashes and her heart full of silence. She Had No Name The girl had wandered far. Too far. Past the edge of memory, past the trees that spoke in roots and riddles. She had nothing. No family. No purpose. No voice. Just the ache of something lost before it was ever found. Snow fell in spirals that day. Not cruel, but insistent. It kissed her lashes and curled around her like a question waiting to be answered. And then — she saw him. Varro stood atop a rise of crystal drift, his form barely touching the earth. He did not bark. He did not growl. He simply was — watching her with the kind of knowing that made your soul sit up straight. She took a step forward, then another. “I don’t know where I’m going,” she whispered. His eyes flickered. Not pity. Not command. Just... understanding. And then he turned and walked into the mist. She followed. The Path of Stillness They walked for what could have been minutes or a thousand quiet years. No words. No trail. Only the crunch of snow beneath her, and the soft disturbance of air as Varro moved ahead, weaving between trees and half-frozen dreams. Every so often, she would stumble, and he would pause. Not to help — but to wait. As if to say: This is your walk. I will not carry you. But I will not leave you. They came to a frozen lake that mirrored the sky. Stars blinked in its reflection, though none burned above them. She knelt at its edge and touched the ice — and it rippled with memory. Her father’s laugh. Her mother’s lullaby. The first time she fell. The first time she stood again. The way her name used to sound when said with love. She gasped and turned — but Varro was gone. In his place: pawprints. Leading across the lake. No cracks beneath them. Only stars. She rose and followed. The Voice Beneath the Cold At the lake’s center, she heard it — not with her ears, but with the part of her that had once been silent for too long. “Do you remember now?” She closed her eyes. “I remember being small. I remember being scared. I remember... forgetting who I was supposed to become.” The wind stirred. “Then you are ready.” She opened her eyes. Varro stood before her again, his face close. Eyes clear. Steady. Alive. She raised a hand, expecting to meet fur — but her fingers touched starlight instead. Cool. Luminous. A shimmer of soul given form. “Are you real?” she asked softly. He blinked. And in that moment, she knew — he was not meant to be questioned. He was meant to be followed. The Echo in the Ice The lake shimmered as she stepped forward, her reflection rippling beneath her feet — not just herself as she was, but every version she had ever been: the laughing child, the silent teen, the woman with questions no one had the courage to answer. Varro walked beside her now, not ahead. Their paths parallel, no longer teacher and student, but companions in clarity. At the center of the lake stood a tree — not made of bark, but ice and light, its branches curling like breath in frost. It pulsed with energy that felt older than the stars. Older than loss. “This is where I stop,” Varro said. Not aloud. But clearly. She turned to him. “What is it?” “The place where you choose.” “Choose what?” “To return. Or to rise.” The Heart of Stillness She placed her hand against the tree’s surface. It was cold — not painfully so, but clean, like the feeling of being seen without judgment. The tree responded, and the world shifted. She stood in her childhood room, but it was made of stars. She walked through the memory of her mother’s laughter, but it echoed like wind through pine. She stood face-to-face with herself — the real her, the hidden her, the one who had always doubted her own worth — and for the first time, she smiled at that version of herself. Not with pity. With recognition. She placed her hands on her own shoulders, looked herself in the eyes, and whispered: “We are enough. And we are not done.” The image folded into light. Varro’s Gift When she turned from the tree, Varro was waiting. He had grown — not in size, but in presence. A great creature of swirling winds and celestial wisdom. His fur moved like ocean tides. His eyes glowed with galaxies. “I don’t want to say goodbye,” she said. “You never will. I live in the steps between your courage and your kindness. I walk in the moments when you trust yourself again.” “Then what now?” He stepped forward, pressed his forehead to hers. “Now, you go back. And you guide others. As I guided you.” He stepped away, and as he did, his body dissolved into light — not death, but expansion. Wind curled around her like an embrace. The stars spun. The ice tree glowed — then shattered into a thousand sparks, each one a whisper of awakening. She woke beneath a pine, heart pounding, breath steady. Snow clung to her lashes. The sun broke through the trees. And beside her in the snow — a single pawprint. Warm. Fresh. Waiting. She stood. And followed.     Carry the Spirit. Remember the Path. “The Enchanted Husky” is more than a tale — it’s a guidepost, a companion, and a reminder that some journeys begin in stillness, and some guardians walk with us even when unseen. Now, you can bring Varro’s quiet strength and luminous beauty into your space through a collection designed for those who feel the call of the wild and the whisper of the stars: Wood Print – Let the story breathe on natural grain, where every line carries the texture of ancient wisdom and quiet strength. Throw Pillow – Rest with a guardian by your side. Subtle. Majestic. Ever-watchful. Tote Bag – Carry calm, carry clarity, carry a myth wrapped in fur and frost wherever you go. Sticker – A small reminder on your journal, water bottle, or window — that guidance often comes on quiet paws. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch a spirit into form. Meditative, meaningful, and timeless. Let Varro walk with you.Because some stories don’t end — they echo, softly, wherever the snow falls and the soul listens.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Faerie and Her Dragonette

Wings, Whispers, and Way Too Much Sparkle “If you set one more fern on fire, I swear by the Moonroot Blossoms I will ground you until the next equinox.” “I didn't mean to, Poppy!” the dragonette squeaked, smoke curling from his nostrils. “It looked flammable. It was practically asking for it.” Poppy Leafwhistle, faerie of the Deepwood Glade and part-time chaos manager, pinched the bridge of her nose — a move she’d adopted from mortals because rubbing your temples is apparently not enough when you're bonded to a fire-prone winged gremlin with scale polish and an attitude. She’d rescued the dragonette — now called Fizzletuft — from a rogue spell circle in the north fen. Why? Because he had eyes like sunrise, a whimper like a teacup, and the emotional stability of a wet squirrel. Obviously. “Fizz,” she sighed, “we talked about the sparkle restraint protocols. You can’t go around flaring your tail every time a leaf rustles. This isn’t drama class. This is the forest.” Fizzletuft huffed, his wings fluttering with a rainbow shimmer that could blind a bard. “Well maybe the forest shouldn’t be so flammable. That’s not my fault.” The Trouble with Moonberries They were on a mission. A *simple* one, Poppy had thought. Find the Moonberry Grove. Harvest two berries. Don’t let Fizz eat them, explode them, or name them “Sir Wiggleberry” and try to teach them interpretive dance. So far, they had located zero berries, three suspiciously enchanted mushrooms (one of which proposed to Poppy), and a vine that had tried to spank Fizzletuft into next Tuesday. “I hate this place,” Fizz whined, perching dramatically on a mossy rock like a sad opera singer with abandonment issues. “You hate everything that isn’t about you,” Poppy replied, ducking under a willow branch. “You hated breakfast because the jam wasn’t ‘emotionally tart’ enough.” “I have a delicate palate!” “You ate a rock yesterday!” “It looked seasoned!” Poppy paused, exhaled, and counted to ten in three different elemental languages. The Mist Came Suddenly Just as the sun speared through the canopy in a shaft of perfect golden light, the forest changed. The air thickened. The birds stopped chirping. Even the leaves held their breath. “Fizz…” Poppy whispered, her voice dipping into seriousness — a rare tone in their partnership. “Yup. I feel it. Very mysterious. Definitely spooky. Possibly cursed. A hundred percent into it.” From the mist rose a shape — tall, robed, shimmering with the same light Poppy’s wings cast. It wasn’t malevolent. Just… ancient. Familiar, somehow. And oddly floral. “You seek the Grove,” it said, voice like wind through old chimes. “Yes,” Poppy replied, stepping forward. “We need the berries. For the ritual.” “Then you must prove your bond.” Fizzletuft perked up. “Oooh! Like a trust fall? Or interpretive dance? I have wings, I can pirouette!” The figure paused. “...No. You must enter the Trial of Two.” Poppy groaned. “Please tell me it’s not the one with the mushroom maze and the accidental emotional telepathy.” Fizz squealed. “We’re gonna get in each other’s heads? FINALLY. I’ve always wondered what it’s like inside your brain. Is it full of sarcasm and leaf facts?” She turned to him slowly. “Fizz. You have five seconds to run before I turn your tail into a windchime.” He didn’t run. He launched straight upward, cackling, sparkles trailing behind him like a magical sneeze. The Trial of Two (And the Sparkle Apocalypse) The moment they crossed the veil into the Trial Grove, the world blinked. One second, Poppy was side-eyeing Fizzletuft’s attempt to rebrand himself as “Lord Wingpop the Dazzling,” and the next — She was floating. Or... falling? Hard to tell. There was mist, and colors, and an unsettling number of tiny whispering voices saying things like “oof, this one’s emotionally constipated” and “he hides his trauma under glitter.” When her feet hit the ground again — mossy, fragrant, humming slightly — she was alone. “Fizz?” No answer. “This isn’t funny!” Still nothing, until— “I CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS!” Fizzletuft’s voice echoed in her skull like an overexcited squirrel with a megaphone. “This is amazing! You think in leaf metaphors! Also, you’re low-key afraid of centipedes! WE HAVE TO UNPACK THAT!” “Fizz. Focus. Trial. Sacred place. Prove our bond. Stop narrating my anxieties.” “Okay okay okay. But wait — wait. Is that... is that a DRAGON SIZED VERSION OF ME?!” The Mirrorbeast Poppy turned, heart thudding. Standing before her — impossibly elegant, coiled in winged menace and sass — was a full-grown dragonette. Rainbow-scaled. Eyes glowing. And smirking in the exact same smug way Fizzletuft did when he was about to destroy a teacup on purpose. The Mirrorbeast. “To pass,” it boomed, “you must face your fears. Each other’s. Together.” Poppy didn’t like the way it said “together.” “Oh boy,” Fizz whispered in her brain. “I just remembered something. From before we met.” “What is it?” “I don’t... I don’t know if I hatched. I mean, I did. But not... normally. There was fire. A big explosion. Screaming. Possibly a sorcerer with a toupee. And I’ve always wondered if I was... created. Not born.” She paused. “Fizz.” “I know, I know. I act like I don’t care. But I do. What if I’m not real?” She stepped closer to the Mirrorbeast. “You’re as real as it gets, you over-glittered fire noodle.” The beast growled. “And your fear, faerie?” Poppy swallowed. “That I’m too much. Too sharp. That no one will ever choose to stay.” Silence fell. Then, out of nowhere, Fizzletuft crashed through a shrub, covered in vines, eyes wide. “I CHOSE YOU.” “Fizz—” “NOPE. I CHOSE YOU. You rescued me when I was all panic and fire and tail fluff. You scolded me like a mom and cheered for me like a friend. I may be made of magic and chaos, but I’d still choose you. Every day. Even if your cooking tastes like compost pudding.” The Mirrorbeast stared. And then... chuckled. It shimmered, cracked, and burst into stardust. The Trial was over. “You have passed,” said the grove, now gently glowing. “Bond: true. Chaos: accepted. Love: weird, but real.” The Grove’s Gift They found the Moonberries — soft-glowing, silver-veined, blooming from a tree that seemed to sigh when touched. Fizzletuft only licked one. Once. Regretted it immediately. Called it “spicy sadness with a minty afterburn.” On the way home, they were quiet. Not awkward quiet. The good kind. The “we’ve seen each other’s soul clutter and still want to hang out” kind. Back in the glade, Poppy lit a lantern and leaned back against the mossy stump they both called home base. Fizzletuft curled around her shoulders like a warm, glittering scarf. “I still think we should’ve performed that interpretive dance.” “We did, Fizz.” She smiled, eyes twinkling. “We just used feelings instead of jazz hands.” He let out a contented puff of smoke. “Gross.” “I know.”     Adopt the Sass. Sparkle Your Space. If you’ve fallen for the leafy sass of Poppy and the firecracker mischief of Fizzletuft, you can now bring their story home (without setting anything on fire... probably). “The Faerie and Her Dragonette” is now available in a collection of magical merchandise that’s as vivid, cheeky, and sparkly as the duo themselves: Tapestry – Hang this vibrant fae-and-flame duo in your space and let the adventure begin with every glance. Puzzle – Piece together the magic, the mystery, and maybe some glitter tantrums. It's the perfect dragon-approved challenge. Greeting Card – Send a message as bold and sparkly as your favorite faerie fire duo. For magical birthdays, sassy thank-yous, or just saying “hey, you're fabulous.” Sticker – Slap a bit of Poppy & Fizz on your journal, laptop, or cauldron. Mischief included. Glitter optional (but encouraged). Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch your own enchanted moment. Perfect for crafters, faerie fans, and anyone needing an excuse to hoard sparkly thread. Claim your piece of Deepwood Glade — because some stories deserve to live on your wall, your shelf, and definitely your heart. 🧚‍♀️🐉

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Macabre Masquerade

The Dance Beneath Dying Stars The fog curled like fingers across the old courtyard stones, whispering secrets only the dead remembered. Candlelight, trembling in iron sconces, painted everything in flickering gold and mourning gray. The night air was thick with forgotten perfumes — rose ash, bitter myrrh, a trace of blood-orange wine aged in grief. They arrived together, always together, the way dusk arrives with the moon. Lucien Virell in midnight finery, top hat adorned with skulls that smiled wider than he did. And Celestine D’Roux, cloaked in smoke and corset-laced shadows, her heart encased in a red gem so vivid it pulsed with memory. Both masked in bone, painted in echoes. Lovers, perhaps. Cursed, certainly. Guests of honor at a gathering no living soul had ever truly left. The Unveiling The Masquerade was held but once a century — a celebration of mourning, of memory, of the beautiful rot of what had been. Every guest wore their regrets like jewelry. Every glance was a wound opened willingly. The music was sorrow carved into sound, led by violins that remembered heartbreaks never spoken aloud. Celestine descended the marbled stair with the grace of a fallen prayer. Her striped stockings wrapped her legs like shackles fashioned by angels. Her curls bloomed with feathers and bone, her smile stitched with longing she had never learned to bury. Lucien met her with a hand offered like a vow. “One night,” he said, voice thick as velvet and cold as confession. “We have one night before the dream ends again.” She pressed her fingers to his, eyes dark wells no wish dared fall into. “Then let us make the dream bleed beauty.” The Dance They moved like death pretending to be desire. Step by step, breathless and boundless, swirling through clouds of ash petals and ghostlight. Around them, the masquerade pulsed with forgotten lovers, mourning queens, hollow kings, and dancers who once were poets, now turned poetry themselves. The music shifted — slow, reverent, like a soul leaving the skin. The floor seemed to tilt, drawing them inward, deeper, toward the heart of something buried long ago: a promise made in blood beneath a red eclipse, when Lucien had still drawn breath and Celestine had still wept. “Do you remember?” he asked, voice raw at the edges. “I never stopped.” His fingers trembled at her waist. Not with fear — but with the weight of what could never be undone. Their love was a wound that refused to scar, a story told through lips long silent. As they spun, the others parted. Not out of awe — but reverence. Grief recognized grief, and these two were its truest priests. Midnight’s Toll The bells tolled from the cathedral’s skeleton tower. Midnight — the moment the veil thinned and the cost was counted. Lucien’s form began to fade, threads of shadow unwinding from his coat. Celestine reached for him, but her hand passed through the echo of his own. “No,” she breathed. “Not again.” “Every century, my love. Until the promise breaks or the world does.” He pressed his lips to her forehead, a phantom blessing. “I will return to you,” he whispered. “In fog, in flame, in the space between heartbeats. I am yours where no time can find us.” And with that, he was gone. Celestine stood alone beneath the blood-red balloons that never drifted, never burst. Only hovered — waiting. Around her, the Masquerade danced on. But her world had tilted. Again. And she was left with only memory and the echo of a man she once called forever. She smiled. And it cracked like porcelain. The Heart That Refused to Die The ballroom emptied slowly, as if time itself was reluctant to sweep away what remained. Guests retreated in silken silence, their masks cracking at the edges, their elegance wilting beneath the weight of farewell. All except one. Celestine lingered at the center of the dancefloor, haloed in cinders and feathers. Her red-heart pendant glowed faintly, a pulse echoing from within — his heartbeat. No longer flesh, but still hers. She walked alone now, among shadows that whispered her name like a hymn. Each footstep echoed memories. Here, he had kissed her. There, they had vowed to never leave. Everywhere she turned, he was absent and somehow still near. She did not cry. Not because she could not. But because even sorrow had grown quiet inside her. What remained now was something deeper. Something colder. Something eternal. The Mirror of Remembering In a forgotten chamber behind the crimson-curtained alcove, Celestine approached the Mirror of Remembering — a relic wrought from obsidian and regret. It was said to show not what was, but what could have been. Most who looked into it left screaming or laughing. Or simply vanished. Celestine stared into it, fearless. And saw him. Lucien. Whole. Laughing. A garden bloomed around him, with sunlight draped across his face and a ring upon his hand. The ring she once wore, before the fire. Before the curse. Before the deal struck at the edge of the veil. He was alive in that reflection — not as he was, but as he might have been. And beside him stood her — but younger, less adorned in sorrow, more filled with breath than ghosts. She lifted her hand to touch the glass. It rippled. The image faltered. “Do not chase what was never meant to be,” the mirror whispered, its voice her own. But her heart — that red gem set in a cage of silver and loss — beat louder than warning. Louder than reason. And she turned away. The Pact Revisited Celestine returned to the courtyard, now swallowed in fog and half-light. There, on the obsidian dais where the Masquerade had begun, stood the veiled one — the Architect of the Masquerade, neither alive nor dead, but something else entirely. A curator of stories trapped in time, of vows unfulfilled. “You seek to rewrite fate,” the Architect intoned, voice like rust and rain. “No,” she said. “I seek to finish it.” “He is beyond the veil. You know the cost.” “Yes. My body. My breath. My tomorrow. All of it.” The Architect extended a skeletal hand. In its palm, a thorned key. “Then pass through the veil. Reclaim him. But know this — you cannot return.” Celestine took the key. Her hands did not tremble. Her resolve was older than fear. The Door Beneath the Stars Behind the oldest rose arch in the garden — one that had not bloomed since Lucien’s last breath — she found the door. Etched in it were their names, carved with the same blade that once spilled their shared blood in vow. The key turned with a sigh. The door opened on silence. She stepped through — and the world changed. There was no fire. No scream. Just... warmth. A warmth she hadn’t known since before memory. Her hands became flesh again, her tears real. And before her stood Lucien — whole, human, reaching for her with eyes full of disbelief and aching joy. “You...” he whispered. “Always,” she replied. They fell into each other, the past crumbling behind them like dried rose petals. There were no masks. No masquerade. Only a beginning — at last, and far too late — in the only place left untouched by time: The space between death and forever.     Curate the Darkness. Keep the Memory. For those drawn to passion that defies time and elegance painted in bone and velvet, “The Macabre Masquerade” lives on beyond the veil — now captured in exquisitely crafted products for your home, your heart, and your hidden corners. Let Lucien and Celestine’s story breathe through your space with our hauntingly beautiful collection: Tapestry – Drape your walls in shadow and elegance with this woven echo of gothic romance. Canvas Print – A gallery-worthy portrait of love undying, sealed in rich texture and eternal grayscale. Throw Pillow – Rest your thoughts upon feathers, lace, and longing. Duvet Cover – Wrap yourself in whispered secrets and sleep beneath the veil of love and ash. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch the sorrow and beauty, one thread at a time, and bring their tale to life in your own hands. Step beyond the masquerade and into memory.Because some love stories are too haunting to forget.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

The Painter's Pup

The Trouble With Turpentine and Tails There once lived a pup with fur so swirled, so vibrantly chaotic, that art professors across the land either wept with envy or spontaneously retired. His name? Bristle. Named not after a brush, but after what most people did when he tried to “help” them paint. Bristle was no ordinary dog. He didn’t bark. He *splattered*. His tail was a living brushstroke, his paws tracked cerulean, ochre, and “is-that-glitter?” across every surface. If he sneezed, someone got a new mural. His human, Gilda van Splick, was a renowned expressionist painter with a penchant for dramatic hats and even more dramatic tantrums. “Bristle, darling,” she’d often sigh, mid-explosion, “you can’t just PEE in the palette again. That’s a *limited edition* umber.” Bristle would cock his head, blink twice, and promptly chase a phantom dot only he could see. It was rumored the dot was existential. The Incident With the Art Critic It was a sunny Tuesday when the infamous art critic Clive Rottensnob arrived at Gilda’s studio. He wore a monocle, carried a snarky aura, and smelled faintly of ungrateful cheese. “I’m here,” he announced, “to review your latest masterpiece. It had better not involve that dog again.” Gilda’s eyes twitched. “Of course not, Clive. He’s simply... around. Not *involved*.” At that exact moment, Bristle launched from behind a canvas, flying in an arc of neon green and metallic gold, leaving a streak of paint across Clive’s cream linen trousers. The dog landed with a proud yip and a splat. The splat was considered avant-garde. “Good heavens!” Clive bellowed. “I am not a canvas!” “Clearly not,” Gilda said. “You lack depth.” Clive left in a huff, then a minute later returned to retrieve his monocle. Bristle had chewed it into a kaleidoscope and renamed it “Optic Confusion.” It sold two days later for $4,000 and a meatball sub. The Rise of a Furry Muse Word spread quickly. Suddenly, everyone wanted a Bristle Original. His pawprint had become the toast of the art world — literal toast, in one gallery's case. He had no idea what he was doing, and that made it better. “Art is feeling,” Gilda mused one night, sipping wine and watching Bristle roll through a vat of abstract glitter goo. “Art,” Bristle replied, licking a brush that had definitely seen too much turpentine, “tastes weird.” He sneezed. The splatter hit a blank wall. It sold the next morning for $12,000 and a year’s supply of chew toys. And thus, the legend of the Painter’s Pup began. The Gallery Gala, the Glitterpocalypse, and the Brush With Greatness Six months later, Bristle was a phenomenon. No longer just a mischievous mutt with a Jackson Paw-llock complex, he had become a celebrated enigma in the art world. People whispered his name in hushed tones at espresso bars. Critics battled over the meaning of his works, particularly the infamous "Untitled #37", which was just a series of red pawprints across a yoga mat and one disturbingly accurate depiction of a sausage. Gilda, once a misunderstood genius, now found herself outshone by her shaggy sidekick. Invitations rolled in faster than Bristle could destroy them. (He had an unfortunate habit of mistaking envelopes for hostile squirrels.) But none of that compared to the invitation that arrived by drone one cloudy Tuesday: THE GRAND GALA OF GLORIOUS GALLERIESThe prestigious House of Aesthetics invites you to unveil your greatest work at the Gala of the Century.Dress code: Excessively dramatic. Glitter optional but encouraged. Bristle barked once and promptly painted the RSVP in raspberry jam on the carpet. They were going. Gala Night: The Brush, the Bark, the Buffet The venue was a literal castle, converted from a 14th-century fortress into a modern space with ambient lighting, brooding violinists, and at least three people named “Sebastian” wearing scarves that cost more than rent. Gilda wore a gown inspired by one of Bristle’s earlier works — a swirling pattern of orange, blue, and “oops-that-was-coffee.” Bristle? He wore a bowtie made of paintbrush bristles and glitter shoes he made himself by rolling through a craft bin. He looked like a Lisa Frank fever dream — and he loved it. “Are you nervous?” Gilda asked as they entered the main hall, which was filled with gallerists, influencers, and that one guy who always insists NFTs are still a thing. Bristle sniffed the air. “I smell shrimp cocktail and mild existential panic. Classic opening night energy.” At the center of the gala, on a rotating dais beneath a chandelier shaped like a question mark, was the showstopper: Bristle’s newest masterpiece. He’d titled it “I Chased the Moon and Found My Tail”. The piece defied explanation. Swirls, splatters, bite marks. A haunting dab of mustard in the corner that art theorists would debate for years. One critic cried openly. Another proposed marriage to the canvas. Then... disaster struck. The Glitterpocalypse Everything was going well until Bristle, overcome with creative inspiration (or possibly indigestion), attempted a live performance piece. He leapt onto the buffet table. He rolled through a tray of canapés. He launched himself at the rotating dais, did a backflip midair (where did he learn that?!), and knocked over three vats of promotional glitter — one of which was pressurized. The explosion was immediate. And glorious. Glitter coated every person, every artwork, every canapé. The chandelier collapsed under the weight of aesthetic irony. One influencer livestreamed the entire thing and gained 42,000 new followers in 30 minutes. In the center of it all, Bristle stood triumphant, tail wagging in a shimmering cyclone of fabulous ruin. His bowtie was on fire. Nobody cared. It was art. The Aftermath and Accidental Enlightenment The House of Aesthetics tried to be outraged. They issued a formal complaint written entirely in haiku. But it was too late — Bristle had become a legend. His work — the smeared remains of food, fabric, and glitter-borne chaos — was rebranded as “Post-Intentional Aesthetic Destruction”. It sold to a private collector in Milan for the price of a small yacht, a lifetime supply of chew toys, and a full-time emotional support butler named Wayne. Gilda and Bristle returned to their studio. They painted less and played more. Bristle, tired of fame, focused on his true calling: making very specific messes in very expensive places. “Do you ever wonder what it all means?” Gilda asked one evening, watching Bristle nap on a palette shaped like a cloud. Bristle yawned, rolled onto his back, and whispered, “Art is just the universe licking its own tail and calling it a masterpiece.” She blinked. “That... was actually profound.” He farted. “And that was balance.” Epilogue: Where Are They Now? Bristle currently teaches an abstract splatter class for toddlers and surrealist pigeons. Gilda is launching a line of clothing inspired by dog prints and chaos. Clive Rottensnob became a llama therapist and hasn’t spoken about “Optic Confusion” since. Optic Confusion was recently acquired by a museum, where it now haunts the gift shop. And as for art? It’s still messy. Still loud. Still weird. Just like Bristle.     Decorate Like a Dog Just Discovered Color Inspired by the legendary chaos of Bristle the Brush-Tailed Wonder, we've turned his vibrant, swirly madness into home décor that makes a statement. (That statement is somewhere between “I love dogs” and “I let my inner goblin paint the guest room.”) The Painter’s Pup is now available in glorious, cuddle-approved form: Tapestry – Hang a hurricane of color and fluff on your wall like the artistic rebel you are. Throw Pillow – Snuggle into swirls that may or may not inspire a nap and a sudden craving for peanut butter. Fleece Blanket – Stay warm in a flurry of fur, color, and questionable life choices (just like Bristle). Tote Bag – Carry your snacks, sketchpads, or emergency glitter with Bristle’s chaotic charm by your side. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch this adorable masterpiece one loop at a time while Bristle barks encouragement from beyond the frame. Shop the Pup Collection and let your living space scream "I believe in art, color, and small dogs with big dreams." 🎨🐾

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Whispering Wings in the Winter Wilds

The Silence That Screamed Back The snow didn’t crunch beneath her feet — it gasped. With every step, Lira walked like a secret looking for somewhere safe to hide. Swathed in crimson velvet stitched with symbols no mortal tailor could explain (though her dry cleaner would later try, bless his soul), she moved like a question mark curled into a lullaby. Her companion, however, had never been one for subtlety. “You know,” Korrik said, swiveling his feathery head in that unnerving 270-degree owl way, “this whole ‘mysterious enchantress in the woods’ look is gorgeous, yes, but I’m freezing my tail feathers off.” “You don’t have a tail,” Lira replied without looking. “Metaphorical tail feathers. Emotional tail feathers. I’m vulnerable, Lira.” Korrik, the Great Spirit Owl of the Frosthorn Peaks, guardian of the Glacial Gate, and recently self-declared podcast host, had a way of blending gravitas and sarcasm like hot tea with just a splash of gin. Once, he’d disarmed an entire battalion of ice trolls with nothing but a pun and a glare. But today, he was simply cranky — and suspiciously damp. “That’s because you fell in a creek,” Lira murmured, stroking his soaked wing. “I was diving to save you!” “From a squirrel.” “A potentially rabid squirrel with a knife!” “It had a pinecone.” “A sharpened pinecone. Tactical weapon. Definitely trained.” The Watchers Return The forest, that endless blur of white and breath and needle-thin trees, shifted around them like it was listening. Because it was. Everything in the Winter Wilds watched, even the silence. Especially the silence. Lira slowed near a clearing marked by stone towers, twisted and worn like the spines of sleeping giants. She placed a gloved hand on one. It was warm. Not warm like sunlight, but warm like memory — familiar, haunting, a little clingy. “They’re stirring again,” she said. Korrik’s mood shifted in a blink. Humor dropped from his feathers like a cloak. “How long do we have?” “Until twilight. Maybe less.” “You could be less vague and more terrifying, you know.” “You could be less sarcastic and more helpful.” “But then I wouldn’t be me.” She smiled. “Exactly.” In the frozen space between heartbeat and echo, their bond shimmered. Ancient and sacred, born not of birthright but of choice — a witch and her watcher, once enemies, now fused by purpose. What that purpose was, exactly, remained frustratingly cryptic. But that’s how the Fates liked it. The Fates were jerks. A Name Written in Wind “You’re sure she’s here?” The voice came from behind the ridge. Male. Low. Invasive. Lira’s breath hitched. Korrik’s feathers stood on end. “Trouble incoming. You want the high road or the high ground?” “I’ll take the high ground. You take the drama.” He flared his wings like a diva on opening night. “I was born for it.” Three shadowed figures crested the rise. Cloaks like dusk. Eyes like spite. The lead one bore a staff crowned with a pulsating green stone — pulsing not with power, but hunger. “Lira of the Crimson Vale,” the leader intoned. “Your presence offends the order of things.” Lira tilted her head. “My presence offends a lot of things. Bureaucracy, fashion critics, small talk... Take a number.” Korrik swooped low, fangs bared. “And your face offends me. Let’s fight!” The air crackled. Snow lifted. The Wilds inhaled. And somewhere, just behind reality, something very old... opened an eye. Talons, Truth, and That One Time with the Ice Nymph The snow exploded before the first spell even landed. Korrik shot upward in a cyclone of white, feathers catching the moonlight like slivers of steel. Lira spun, red cloak flaring behind her, arms rising into sigils carved into the air with raw intent. Magic, sharp and ancient, burst from her fingertips like forgotten lullabies turned feral. “You should really work on your subtlety!” Korrik called from above as he dive-bombed the staff-wielder. “Also your skincare routine!” The man swung his staff, unleashing a lash of green flame. It hit Korrik squarely in the chest—where it fizzled and died. Korrik blinked. “Well. That tickled.” He responded with a scream that cracked frost from branches a hundred yards away. The snow groaned, split open, and something *moved* beneath it. Lira stepped forward. The leader, flanked by two cowards dressed like budget necromancers, snarled. “You have no idea what you’re protecting.” “Wrong again,” she said, eyes glowing violet. “I know exactly what I’m protecting. That’s why you’re going to lose.” With a motion like pulling memories from her bones, Lira whispered a word no one had heard for centuries — not because it was forbidden, but because it was lonely. Everything froze. Literally. The attackers, mid-motion, snapped into statues of frost. The stone towers behind them shuddered, exhaled mist, and shifted their alignment, revealing a stairway down into the earth. The entrance to the Heart Below. The Pact Rekindled Korrik landed beside her, talons careful not to touch the threshold. “You sure about this?” “No. But we were never meant to be sure. Only brave.” “You know that’s the kind of inspirational nonsense that gets people eaten by haunted furniture, right?” “I trust you.” He blinked again. Slower this time. The kind of blink that said fine, I love you too, now let’s go die together but stylishly. They stepped onto the stairs. Stone hummed beneath their feet. The deeper they descended, the warmer it got — not in temperature, but in intensity. The way you feel walking into a room where your name’s just been spoken. Below, the Heart pulsed. A being of ice, spirit, and sorrow — guardian of the balance between realms. It had once chosen Korrik as its emissary. Now it chose Lira as its voice. “She comes,” the Heart whispered. “Blood-bound. Magic-marked. Fierce and flammable.” “I told you to stop using that shampoo,” Korrik muttered. “You smell like vengeance and lilacs.” Lira ignored him. “The Order is moving. They want to unbind the gates.” “Then we will seal them forever,” the Heart replied. “And if they follow?” “Then we give them what they seek: a world where only the strong, the true, and the gloriously sarcastic remain.” Korrik puffed out his chest. “Finally. My kind of world.” Aftermath, Tea, and Maybe a Book Deal Back in the forest, the statues began to melt — slowly, screaming. Their magic was broken, their leadership dismantled, and one of them had wet himself before freezing. Korrik promised never to let anyone forget it. Weeks passed. Snow fell gentler. The Wilds whispered less and laughed more. Lira and Korrik found a cabin on the edge of everything. A place where the world couldn’t quite reach, and reality had the good sense to stay confused. They drank too much tea, argued over firewood stacking technique, and fought off the occasional cursed marmot. Their bond deepened — not because of duty, but because they were better, stronger, and funnier together. Every so often, someone would knock on the cabin door with a warning or a prophecy. And every time, Korrik would answer with a smirk and a warning: “If you don’t come bearing cookies or compliments, turn back now. The witch bites. And I peck.” They never stayed long. And So... The Heart slept once more. The forest watched with different eyes now — gentler, knowing, a little amused. And the snow? The snow still gasped. But now, it was with laughter.     Bring the Magic Home If this tale of fierce friendship, ancient snow, and slightly sarcastic owls spoke to your soul (or at least chuckled at it), you can now bring “Whispering Wings in the Winter Wilds” into your own realm. Explore our enchanted collection of themed products below, perfect for gifts, gallery walls, or just reminding yourself that mystical forests and divine winged sass do, in fact, belong in your daily life: Greeting Card – For when your messages deserve a little winter magic. Tapestry – Drape your space in spellbound wonder. Acrylic Print – Let the colors of frost and fire shine in rich, vivid detail. Puzzle – Piece together the magic with your own two hands. Cross-Stitch Pattern – Stitch your way into the Wilds with this elegant pattern version of the image. Shop the collection and let your walls whisper stories of snow, spirit, and sass.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Mystic Guardian: The Wolf of Thousand Dreams

In the quiet hours between dusk and nightfall, when shadows slither long and the wind hums forgotten names, the forest breathes with more than leaves. It was here, in the forbidden boundary of reality and myth, that the villagers spoke of a presence not bound by flesh, but carved in dream and fire. They called it Avenar, the Wolf of Thousand Dreams. Avenar was not born but woven. The old stories said his fur was stitched from strands of starfire, his eyes forged in the black furnace between worlds. To gaze upon him was to glimpse all your regrets at once, bathed in cosmic silence. Children dared one another to cross the Hollowroot River—the border of the waking world—to seek his trail. None returned unchanged. But tonight was different. She came from the city. Leather jacket cracked with wear, her boots stained in blood and secrets. Her name was Elira, and she carried a blade shaped like a crescent moon and scarred like its surface. A Guardian. Chosen not by gods, but by consequence. She bore no mark, no blessing. Only purpose. Whispers from the Elderglen trees wound around her mind like mist: He is awake. She did not flinch when the cold howl rose from the depths of the vale, ancient and aching. Instead, she followed it. Past the grove where time bent, past the rocks that bled silver when touched by shadow. She knew the wolf was waiting—not to attack, but to weigh her soul. They met beneath the forgotten temple, half-consumed by ivy and moonlight. The wolf’s breath stirred the stars. His fur rippled with fractal hues, a living mosaic of dreams lost and found. Eyes like burning orbs, deep and knowing, fixed on her. Elira knelt. "I seek not absolution,” she said, “only truth." The wind stilled. The trees bowed. And in a voice that was both thunder and whisper, the wolf answered: "Then walk the path of those who never sleep." The night cracked. A portal of memory and madness yawned open behind him, a swirl of lives unlived and moments unborn. Elira stepped forward, blade humming with light, into the fold of eternity itself. Behind her, the forest closed like a secret. Only the howl remained, echoing across realms. The Dream That Hunts There was no up, no down. Only the spiral. Elira fell and flew at once, her mind stitched across lifetimes—hers and others. Memories not her own clawed into her senses: a child lost in winter, a lover swallowed by fire, a war that never was. The dream-path was no mere vision; it was an ecosystem, breathing pain and hope in equal measure. The Wolf of Thousand Dreams led her through it—not as a guide, but as a test. “Every step forward,” he had told her in voice like rusted bells, “is a truth laid bare.” First, she met the hunter she might have become. In that strand of existence, Elira had slain Avenar before his howl ever touched the sky. She wore his pelt like a crown, ruled villages with fear. Her eyes were hollow, her smile cruel. When their gazes met across the thin veil, both versions of her snarled. She staggered back into the spiral. Next came the child. A girl with silver braids and mismatched eyes, cradling a bone flute made from the spine of her fallen mother. She looked at Elira, not with fear, but recognition. “You left me,” the girl whispered. “And the dream turned into a cage.” The world around her was barren—ashes, cracked earth, no stars above. The Guardian dropped to her knees. Her blade trembled. She couldn’t tell if the girl was future or past, consequence or warning. But Avenar was watching. The wolf emerged from the starlit fissures again, silent as breath. His form had shifted—no longer entirely wolf. Wings feathered with cosmic ink shimmered behind him, and his limbs bent in ways no earthly creature should. His voice, when it came, resonated through her bones. "You think your strength is in the sword. But your burden is older than steel." Elira rose slowly, her voice hoarse. “Then tell me what I carry.” Avenar circled her, eyes flaming suns. "You carry every soul that cried for justice. Every whisper ignored. Every nightmare you never faced. You are not here to defeat me, Elira. You are here to become me." The realization struck like lightning. This was not a trial to conquer the guardian wolf. It was a rite to inherit his legacy. Elira’s breath caught. Her blade shattered—voluntarily—splintering into motes of light that embedded themselves into her skin. Her bones felt heavier, older, made of the forest and fire and sorrow. She collapsed to her knees as the last echoes of her former self fell away. When she rose, her eyes mirrored his. And the spiral shifted. Now she stood at the mouth of the forgotten temple, half-consumed by ivy and moonlight. A young man approached, weapon at his back, his soul cracked by grief. He did not see a woman. He saw a beast of myth, fur laced with glowing fractals, eyes that glimmered with every dream he’d buried. He dropped to one knee. “I seek not glory, only peace.” Elira—the new Avenar—breathed deep and spoke her first words as the Dream Guardian: "Then walk the path of those who never sleep." The howl rose again, ancient and fierce, carrying across dimensions like a beacon. A new guardian stood watch. A new spiral had begun. And somewhere, far away, a child dreamed of a silver wolf, and smiled in her sleep.     Bring the Mystic Guardian into Your World If the legend of Avenar stirred your soul, now you can carry his story into your space. The Wolf of Thousand Dreams by Bill and Linda Tiepelman is available in beautifully crafted formats for your home, heart, and hands. 🔥 Wood Print – Bold, natural, and timeless 🌌 Wall Tapestry – Let dreams flow across your walls 👜 Tote Bag – Carry a guardian wherever you go ☕ Coffee Mug – Start your mornings with myth 🧵 Cross-Stitch Pattern – Craft the dream with your own hands Let the Guardian live on—not just in tales, but in the texture of your life.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Travesuras florales y sonrisas barbudas

Thistlewhump el Gnomo no era un gnomo de jardín cualquiera. Mientras otros se pasaban el día puliendo setas o echando una siesta tras tallos de tulipanes, Thistlewhump era un conocido desviado de las flores: coleccionista de pétalos raros, acaparador de brillos de polen y autoproclamado Ministro de la Travesura en Bloomborough Hollow. La primavera acababa de abrir su cascarón dorado, y Thistlewhump ya estaba inmerso en sus rituales estacionales: reorganizar el círculo de las hadas alfabéticamente, llenar los nidos de los pájaros con purpurina y, lo más polémico, "tomar prestadas" flores del jardín de la Sra. Mumbletoes. No era robo si dejabas un botón a cambio, ¿verdad? Aquella mañana, la luz del sol se filtraba por el bosque como mantequilla derretida sobre una tostada, y Thistlewhump, de pie en su taburete de patas temblorosas, observaba un macizo de campanillas moradas con la intensidad de un pastelero inspeccionando un éclair. Con una cesta en una mano y la barba ondeando como una nube, arrancaba las flores con un aire teatral. «Esta se llamará Petunia von Sassypants», declaró, haciendo girar un pétalo de violeta entre los dedos, «y este... Sir Bloomalot». Tras él, una explosión de flores silvestres en macetas brillaba como si rieran de alegría, mientras los susurros de las hadas se arremolinaban en el aire cálido. Thistlewhump se inclinó para oler una flor e inmediatamente estornudó purpurina. «Eso me pasa por engatusar a una hierba estornuda», murmuró, limpiándose el polvo de hadas de la nariz con el sombrero de un hongo. Pero había algo diferente en el aire ese día, no solo el habitual aroma a clorofila y travesuras. No, algo, o alguien, lo observaba. Tras el enorme ramo se escondía una sombra. Una risita. Posiblemente el aleteo de un ala o el hipo de un duendecillo con fiebre del heno. Thistlewhump entrecerró los ojos. «Si eres tú otra vez, Spriggle, te lo juro por mi recortadora de barba...» Se detuvo. Las flores tras él temblaron. Su taburete crujió. Cayó un pétalo. Y de algún lugar entre las flores llegó un susurro: "No Spriggle. Peor." Thistlewhump se quedó paralizado en plena pose, con un pie sobre su taburete y el otro colgando dramáticamente en el aire, como si estuviera audicionando para un ballet del bosque que nunca ensayó. Su nariz se crispó. Su barba se erizó en formación defensiva. Giró lenta y teatralmente, como suelen hacer los gnomos cuando el drama llama. "¿Peor?" repitió, con la mirada fija en la explosión de rosas y morados que tenía detrás. "No me digas que el Consejo de Hortensias por fin ha descubierto el incidente del corte de raíces..." Pero no eran las hortensias. De entre los pétalos surgió una pequeña figura de cinco centímetros de alto, armada con un tallo de narciso como florete de esgrima y brillantina deslizándose por sus orejas. "¡Daisy Flitterbottom!", gimió Thistlewhump. "¡Eres una auténtica amenaza!" —Me robaste mis esquejes de arbusto brillante —acusó Daisy en el aire, con las alas vibrando como un colibrí empapado de cafeína—. Y los trasplantaste. En una taza de barro. Sin drenaje . Thistlewhump levantó su cesta como ofrenda de paz, aunque solo contenía tres flores ligeramente machacadas y una gomita cubierta de pelusa. «Estaba... experimentando», comentó. «Era para la ciencia. Para el arte. Para la horticultura interpretativa». Daisy no estaba convencida. Se lanzó en picado contra su sombrero, desprendiendo un montón de lentejuelas. "¿A eso le llamaste arte? ¡Parecía un calcetín musgoso con problemas de compromiso!" Lo que siguió solo puede describirse como una pelea de jardín agresiva y educada. Cardo se agitaba con una paleta a la que llamó "Negociadora de Margaritas", mientras Margarita zigzagueaba como una luciérnaga furiosa, derribando su maceta en pleno vuelo. Volaron pétalos. Explotó purpurina. Una abeja que pasaba dio media vuelta, confundida existencialmente. Finalmente, ambos se desplomaron: Thistlewhump sobre un montón de violetas volcadas, y Daisy sobre un macarrón a medio comer que alguien había dejado en la barandilla. Jadeaban, sudorosos y cubiertos de polen, mirando al cielo como si les debiera una disculpa. “¿Tregua?” murmuró Daisy entre migajas. —Solo si prometes no volver a usar las peonías como armas —dijo Thistlewhump con voz entrecortada—. Sigo encontrando pétalos en mis calzoncillos de la última vez. Ella rió. Él sonrió. Las flores dejaron de temblar lentamente, y una sola flor azul se extendió perezosamente hacia el sol, como si aplaudiera con un pétalo. Y mientras el sol se ponía y la neblina primaveral, con su efecto bokeh, brillaba dorada a su alrededor, Thistlewhump se recostó en su taburete (ahora un poco roto), bebió un sorbo de manzanilla tibia de una taza de bellota y declaró con una sonrisa: «Ah, sí. Otro día tranquilo en Bloomborough». En algún lugar cercano, una peonía se estremeció. Rima de risas en el jardín En un jardín donde los ramilletes se enfurruñan, Y las abejas usan botas para zumbar, Vive un gnomo con una barba tan ancha, Barre los tulipanes cuando se desliza. Él roba tus flores, intercambia tus calcetines, Habla con los caracoles y hace bromas a las rocas. Él prepara su té con pétalos atrevidos, Y huele el sol como si fuera oro puro. Así que si ves a tus margaritas sonriendo, O atrapa tu rosal girando suavemente. No te asustes, querida, es solo el viejo Thump. El gnomo que hace jardinería con un chichón. Te dejará risas, algo de brillo, alegría, Y posiblemente...un trasero floreado. 🌷 Llévate la travesura a casa 🌷 Si Thistlewhump y su caos floral te robaron el corazón (y quizás los calcetines), ¡dale un toque de esa floreciente fantasía a tu mundo! Ya sea que estés decorando tu espacio, descansando cómodamente o cargando tus delicias de jardín, Floral Mischief and Bearded Smiles está disponible en una variedad de productos encantadores: Tapiz de pared caprichoso : cuelga la magia del gnomo en tu pared y deja que la risa floral florezca. 🛋️ Almohada decorativa : perfecta para siestas en el jardín y siestas accidentales con brillantina. 🛏️ Funda nórdica : duerme como un gnomo, sueña como un pétalo. 👜 Bolsa de mano : lleva flores, travesuras y bocadillos dondequiera que vayas. Toalla de playa redonda : porque no hay nada más representativo de la primavera que relajarse en forma circular. Cada artículo presenta las ilustraciones ricamente detalladas de Bill y Linda Tiepelman, aportando alegría, encanto y solo una pizca de locura impulsada por gnomos a su vida cotidiana.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

El contenedor de huevos acolchado

De huevos, ego y exilio En lo profundo de los prados perfumados con crema de mantequilla de Spring Hollow, mucho más allá del alcance de los tintes para huevos del supermercado y los conejitos de chocolate de producción masiva, vivía un gnomo llamado Gnorbert. No era un gnomo cualquiera: *el* Gnorbert. El Guardián de los Huevos Acolchados. La leyenda, el mito, el icono estacional ligeramente ebrio cuyo trabajo era proteger el artefacto más sagrado de la Pascua: el Primer Huevo. Con F mayúscula. Sin presión. Su huevo —más Fabergé que fresco de granja— estaba cosido con retazos encantados de festivales de primavera olvidados. Paneles de terciopelo floral, seda tejida con rayos de sol, e incluso un cuadrado sospechoso que pudo haber sido reutilizado del viejo juego de cortinas de la Sra. Springlebottom. Brillaba a la luz del sol como un sueño febril de Lisa Frank, y era el orgullo y la alegría de Gnorbert. Eso, y su sombrero. ¡Dios mío, el sombrero! Enroscado como el cuerno de un unicornio y teñido de tonos que ni siquiera Crayola se atrevía a nombrar, se cernía sobre él como un tornado arcoíris. Gnorbert insistía en que era necesario "para mantener el equilibrio místico de la alegría estacional", pero todos en el Hollow sabían que era solo para ocultar que no se había lavado el pelo desde la Gran Debacle de los Tulipanes de 2017. Cada año, justo cuando el último carámbano invernal guardaba sus bolsas de nieve y se escabullía entre las sombras, Gnorbert emergía de su morada acolchada como un muñeco de sorpresa desquiciado, listo para coordinar el Gran Lanzamiento del Huevo. Era en parte ceremonia, en parte desfile de moda, y completamente innecesario, pero Spring Hollow no lo quería de otra manera. Este año, sin embargo, hubo… tensión. El tipo de tensión que huele a malvaviscos quemados y a agresión pasiva. —Olvidaste pintar las runas anti-putrefacción otra vez, Gnorbert —siseó Petalwick, el clérigo conejo, moviendo las orejas con desaprobación. —No hice tal cosa —respondió Gnorbert, hundido hasta los codos en una jarra de sidra de zanahoria con hidromiel—. Son invisibles. Por eso son efectivos. No son invisibles. Usaste tinta invisible. Así no funciona la magia, gnomo de jardín lleno de purpurina. Gnorbert parpadeó. "Lo dices como si fuera un insulto". Petalwick suspiró como quien vio a una ardilla burlar un círculo de hechizos y aún no se ha recuperado. «Si este huevo se rompe antes de la tirada ceremonial del amanecer, tendremos siete años de horribles flores de azafrán y patos emocionalmente inaccesibles». —Mejor que la pandemia de polillas pastel y huevos rellenos sin condimentar del año pasado —murmuró Gnorbert—. Ese fue tu hechizo, ¿verdad? “Ese era tu libro de recetas”. Los dos se miraron fijamente mientras un trío de hadas de las flores hacía apuestas tras un narciso. Gnorbert, todavía presumido, palmeó su preciado huevo acolchado, que hizo un ruido sospechoso. Su confianza flaqueó. Solo un poco. “...Probablemente sea sólo la humedad”, dijo. El huevo volvió a chapotear. Esto, pensó Gnorbert, podría ser un problema. Hazme reír y llámalo primavera El huevo estaba sudando. No metafóricamente, no, Gnorbert hacía tiempo que había superado los delirios poéticos y se había adentrado en la fría y húmeda realidad del sudor del huevo. Brillaba sobre los pétalos aterciopelados como el rocío nervioso en la noche del baile de graduación. Gnorbert intentó girar el huevo con indiferencia, esperando que la mancha húmeda fuera solo... ¿qué? ¿Condensación? ¿Condena? —Petalwick —siseó con una sonrisa forzada—, ¿por casualidad... lanzaste un hechizo de amplificación de fertilidad cerca del huevo este año? —Solo en tu dirección, como una maldición —respondió Petalwick sin dudarlo—. ¿Por qué? Gnorbert tragó saliva. "Porque creo que... está eclosionando". Pasó un momento. El aire se espesó como pelusa de malvavisco caducada. "No es ese tipo de huevo", susurró Petalwick, retrocediendo lentamente como un conejito que acaba de darse cuenta de que la hierba que estaba mordisqueando podría ser en realidad el centro de mesa de crochet vintage de alguien. Pero, oh, era exactamente ese tipo de huevo ahora. Un leve chirrido resonó desde dentro, el tipo de chirrido que decía: «Hola, soy consciente, estoy confundido y probablemente esté a punto de improntarme en el primer gnomo inestable que vea». —¡Le diste una chispa de fénix a la colcha! —chilló Petalwick. —¡CREÍ QUE ERA UN BOTÓN BRILLANTE! —gritó Gnorbert, agitando los brazos con brillo y negación. El huevo empezó a brillar. A vibrar. A zumbar como un mirlitón. Y entonces, con el dramatismo que solo un pollito de fénix de Pascua podría lograr, estalló de la envoltura de retazos en una explosión a cámara lenta de encaje, pétalos de flores y horror existencial. La chica era... fabulosa. Como si Elton John se hubiera reencarnado en un malvavisco consciente. Plumas doradas, ojos como bolas de discoteca y un aura que gritaba: «He llegado y exijo un brunch». —Eres un desastre magnífico —murmuró Petalwick, protegiéndose los ojos de la fabulosidad agresiva de la chica. "No quise incubar a Dios", susurró Gnorbert, lo cual, honestamente, no fue lo más extraño que alguien había dicho esa semana. El polluelo fijó su mirada en la de Gnorbert. Se formó un vínculo. Un vínculo terrible y brillante de destino y arrepentimiento. “Ahora eres mi mamá”, cantó el polluelo, con su voz llena de travesuras y energía de diva. "Claro que sí", dijo Gnorbert, serio, ya arrepintiéndose de todo lo que lo había llevado a ese momento. "Porque el universo tiene sentido del humor, y al parecer, yo soy el chiste". Y así, Spring Hollow tuvo una nueva tradición: la Gran Eclosión. Cada año, gnomos de todo el país acudían a presenciar el renacimiento del brillante polluelo de fénix, quien, de alguna manera, había sindicalizado a los conejos, se había apoderado del comité de programación de flores y exigía que todas las búsquedas de huevos incluyeran al menos una actuación de drag y una tabla de quesos. ¿Gnorbert? Se quedaba cerca del huevo. Principalmente porque tenía que hacerlo. El pollito, ahora conocido como Llama Brillante el Rejuvenecedor, sufría ansiedad por separación y un picoteo izquierdo terrible. Pero también, en el fondo, a Gnorbert le gustaba ser el padrino accidental de la mascota más rara de Pascua. Incluso se lavó el pelo. Una vez. Y en las noches tranquilas, cuando el pollito dormía y el aire olía ligeramente a gominolas y a dignidad ligeramente quemada, Gnorbert bebía su sidra de zanahoria a sorbos y murmuraba a nadie en particular: «Era un buen huevo. Hasta que dejó de serlo». Y las flores asintieron, y el sombrero se movió, y el mosaico brilló a la luz de la luna, esperando —siempre— que el caos de la próxima primavera comenzara de nuevo. Aleta. Trae a Gnorbert a casa Si ahora te sientes atrapado emocionalmente con un fabuloso pollito de Pascua y un gnomo un poco desquiciado, no estás solo. Por suerte, no tienes que esperar a la próxima primavera para revivir el caos. El contenedor acolchado para huevos está disponible en todo su esplendor patchwork en una mágica colección de productos que incluso Glitterflame aprueba (después de mucho aleteo dramático). ✨ Transforma tus paredes con el Tapiz 🖼️ Dale a tu pared de galería un brillo del tamaño de un gnomo con la impresión enmarcada 🛋️ Abrazo el caos con una almohada decorativa que es 100% a prueba de explosiones de huevos 💌 Envía alegría (y quizás una advertencia) con una tarjeta de felicitación 🥚 Añade un poco de descaro de temporada en cualquier lugar con la pegatina oficial Compra ahora y celebra la temporada con un toque extra de brillo, descaro y bordados. Gnorbert querría que lo hicieras. Glitterflame lo exige.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Velvet Torque: El Hada Rebelde

El arranque a medianoche Eran las doce y cuarto cuando el suelo tembló bajo las nubes de neón de Feyridge. En algún lugar entre el aroma a aceite de lavanda y la grasa de motor, un estruendo resonó por los sinuosos callejones del Barrio Mecánico. Y en el centro, acelerando el motor de una motocicleta con calaveras que brillaba como si guardara secretos, estaba ella. Torque de Terciopelo. Ya nadie la llamaba por su nombre de nacimiento, sobre todo porque nadie lo recordaba. Hacía tiempo que había cambiado el polvo de hadas y las nanas por caballos de fuerza y ​​puños americanos envueltos en satén. ¿Sus alas? Hojas de casi dos metros de arte iridiscente, más afiladas que la mitad de las espadas del arsenal de la Guardia Real. ¿Sus orejas de conejo? Absolutamente reales. Un remanente de un romance desafortunado con un príncipe conejo que cambia de forma. No preguntes. En serio, no lo hagas. Esta noche no se trató de exparejas ni de arrepentimientos. Esta noche se trató de venganza . Se subió la cremallera del corsé, metió una daga diminuta en la liga y dio una última calada a un cigarrillo con purpurina que olía a algodón de azúcar y venganza. "Vamos a dar una vuelta, zorras", le susurró a su moto, que tarareó en respuesta como debe hacerlo una buena amiga. Su moto, SugarSkull , no solo era sensible, sino chismosa. Y mezquina. Pero era leal, y eso le bastaba. ¿La misión de Velvet? Irrumpir en la Gala anual de Engranajes del Gran Mecanista y revelar su secreto: había estado extrayendo magia del Bosque de las Hadas para alimentar a su preciado ejército de autómatas. Malo. ¿Y además? Había prohibido los pastelitos en la ciudad bajo una oscura ordenanza sobre glaseado combustible. Esa fue la gota que colmó el vaso. Con una bota de cuero con cordones brillantes, puso en marcha a SugarSkull. El fuego brotaba de los dos tubos de escape con forma de querubines con colmillos. La moto rugía como un dios del trueno con resaca mientras Velvet se lanzaba por los caminos empedrados, con las alas ondeando tras ella como estandartes de guerra de vitrales. Mientras pasaba a toda velocidad por las panaderías y burdeles de Gear Alley, los clientes alzaron sus copas. "¡Ve por él, Velvet!", gritó alguien. Otro gritó: "¡Todavía me debes diez de oro por esa apuesta de llama con tequila!". Ella le guiñó un ojo. "Pónlo en mi cuenta, cariño." A mitad de camino por la ciudad, una paloma mecánica se abalanzó sobre ella con una invocación real. La aplastó en el aire. "Buen intento, Rey Manitas", gruñó. "Pero respondí con una motosierra". Para cuando llegó al puente levadizo de cobre que conducía a las puertas del palacio, los guardias ya se habían meado encima. Uno de ellos soltó su alabarda y huyó. El otro empezó a recitar su carta de renuncia en haiku. Velvet aceleró su moto, lamió una piruleta de calavera y sacó un espejo compacto que también servía de lanzagranadas. "Chicos, quizá quieran agacharse". La gala estaba a punto de ponerse interesante… La Gala queda destrozada El patio del palacio resplandecía con pavos reales mecánicos y flamencos de cuerda, todos acicalándose bajo el resplandor dorado de las linternas de éter suspendidas. Los invitados, con vestidos adornados con engranajes y chalecos de terciopelo, disfrutaban de cócteles resplandecientes e intercambiaban bromas como si fuera un martes cualquiera en el reino de los excesivamente ricos. Eso fue hasta que SugarSkull se lanzó por la claraboya de cristal del salón de baile como un cometa furioso, impulsado por el descaro y el rencor. Velvet aterrizó en medio de una fuente de fondue de chocolate e inmediatamente encendió un puro de fuegos artificiales, lanzando chispas de arcoíris a una lámpara de araña hecha completamente de colibríes encantados. «Damas, señores y quienquiera que sea ese tenedor», anunció, señalando a un invitado con tres monóculos y un piercing en la nariz del tamaño de una rueda de carreta, «su gala ha sido oficialmente cancelada ». La multitud se quedó boquiabierta. Una duquesa se desmayó. Un duende le lanzó su cóctel de camarones. Velvet lo atrapó en el aire, lo lamió y lo arrojó por encima del hombro. «Sabe a colonialismo», murmuró. El Gran Mecanista, una torre de petulancia a vapor con un sombrero de copa equipado con su propio sistema meteorológico, dio un paso al frente con una mueca de desprecio. «Ah, el infame Torque de Terciopelo», dijo arrastrando las palabras. «¿A qué debemos este honor deliciosamente disruptivo? ¿Otra pequeña venganza, quizás?» —¿Maldito? —se burló—. Prohibiste los pastelitos, Barnaby. —Ese es Lord Barnaby... —No —espetó Velvet, sacando un pergamino de su escote y desplegándolo con aire teatral—. Por decreto real de la Reina Shyla la Ligeramente Trastornada, y por orden de la Orden Subterránea de la Justicia Azucarada, estoy autorizada a realizar una auditoría mágica, un golpe de azúcar y una prueba de vibraciones. Jadeos de nuevo. En algún lugar, un monóculo sobresalió dramáticamente. Velvet sonrió con suficiencia. Los guardias autómatas de Lord Barnaby avanzaron a toda velocidad: imponentes monstruos de bronce con taladros en lugar de manos y sin sentido del humor. Velvet hizo crujir los nudillos. «Cariño», ronroneó a su reflejo en una bandeja untada de mantequilla, «trata de no demoler por completo la arquitectura». Lo que siguió fue un caos combinado con coreografía. Velvet giró por el salón como una banshee disco. Sus alas cortaron engranajes y mecánicos por igual, derramando brillo como confeti armado. Montó a SugarSkull directamente sobre una viga de soporte, se lanzó al aire y lanzó una molotov directamente al pequeño y presumido gorro de Barnaby, desatando una pequeña tormenta eléctrica sobre su peluca empolvada. —Eso es por el bosque —siseó—. Y eso es por prohibir las chispas, duende grasiento. En cuestión de minutos, la gala se había convertido en una zona de guerra de ruedas de queso derretidas, candelabros derrumbados y nobles confundidos intentando salir de sus propios miriñaques. Velvet aterrizó junto a una mesa de aperitivos destrozada, agarró un champiñón relleno y se lo metió en la boca mientras lanzaba una bomba de humo con forma de ramillete. Paseaba tranquilamente por la bruma, recogiendo objetos encantados y susurrando dulces amenazas a los temblorosos invitados. «Díselo a tus amigos. Los Fey no olvidan. Y nosotras no perdonamos los bollos sin sal». Para cuando Velvet llegó a la sala del trono, Lord Barnaby se escondía tras una estatua de su madre. "¡Jamás saldrás!", ladró. "¡Activaré el mecanismo de seguridad! Yo..." Levantó un cupcake de cristal. "¿Esto? Este es el seguro". Con un mordisco, el encantamiento explotó, inutilizando toda la maquinaria del palacio y convirtiendo el ejército del Mecanista en un montón de chatarra. Velvet se acercó a él, con sus tacones repiqueteando como una cuenta regresiva. "Ahora, dilo", exigió. Tragó saliva. "...Los cupcakes son... mágicos". —Claro que sí —dijo con una sonrisa—. Ahora, sal de mi reino, Barnaby. Y llévate tus galletas de col rizada. Con el palacio convertido en un glorioso desastre de glaseado y revolución, Velvet volvió a subirse a SugarSkull. El patio se había llenado de rebeldes, panaderos y alados inadaptados, listos para recuperar su ciudad azucarada. Alguien le ofreció un martini. Alguien más le ofreció un cachorro. Ella aceptó ambos. "¿Adónde vamos ahora, jefe?" preguntó SugarSkull, mientras su tablero se iluminaba como una fiesta. "Donde sea que el patriarcado aún crea que el rosa no pega", ronroneó Velvet, acelerando el motor. "Pintemos el mundo de purpurina y gasolina". Con una estela de fuego mágico y el aroma de pastelitos especiados tras ella, Velvet Torque se convirtió en leyenda, con risas que resonaban entre las nubes. Era salvaje. Era caprichosa. Era el momento . Y maldita sea, se veía muy bien haciéndolo. 💫 Lleva Velvet Torque a casa Si este viaje salvaje a través de travesuras steampunk, rebelión mágica y glamour sin complejos logró llegar a tu alborotador interior, tenemos justo lo que necesitas. “Velvet Torque: El Hada Rebelde” ya está disponible como una selección de impresionantes productos artísticos de alta calidad que le dan su descaro y brillo a tu espacio. Impresión en madera : la pieza perfecta para la guarida de cualquier rebelde. 🧵 Tapiz : aporta energía atrevida y caprichosa a tus paredes. 🛋️ Cojín decorativo : añade un toque de poder (y rosa) a tu espacio. 🧩 Rompecabezas : junta cada pedacito de magia y travesuras. Tarjeta de felicitación : envía vibraciones de hadas rebeldes con estilo. Poder. Brillo. Alas. Ya disponible en tu sala.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Cantante de guerra de las llanuras olvidadas

La maldición del cantor Las Llanuras Olvidadas no siempre se llamaron así. Antaño, hace mucho tiempo, eran las Tierras Centrales: territorios de caza sagrados donde el cielo se tiñe de naranja sobre ríos repletos de peces, y las historias se paseaban como bestias por la hierba. ¿Y ahora? Solo viento y polvo. Incluso los fantasmas tenían mejores lugares donde estar. Y, sin embargo, algo seguía allí. Algo profano e inacabado. Un esqueleto de hueso verde jade, envuelto en la carne de león de un dios antiguo. Su cráneo sonreía de oreja a oreja, eternamente a medio grito, con los ojos hundidos e iluminados por las brasas moribundas de mil hogueras malditas. Lo llamaban el Cantante de Guerra, aunque nadie vivo recordaba su verdadero nombre. Los únicos que lo recordaban estaban muertos —o peor— y no pronunciaban su nombre. Se atragantaban con él. Una vez, había sido Heka'tul, el Cantor del Noveno Fuego. Nacido de mujeres que masticaban obsidiana para fortalecerse y hombres que tallaban nanas en flautas de hueso. Un prodigio, criado en sangre y ritmo, cantaba no solo canciones, sino tormentas. Hacía temblar de vergüenza los tambores de guerra. Podía invocar lobos, ordenar a los hombres que murieran sonriendo y doblegar el cielo contra su garganta. Su voz no era un don. Era un arma. Y como toda arma que permanece demasiado tiempo en manos hambrientas, se usaba mal. Todo empezó con la Prueba del León, un antiguo rito reservado para la carne divina elegida por la tribu. Heka'tul no fue elegido. Lo aceptó de todos modos. Se untó con hongos machacados y miedo animal, marchó desnudo bajo el eclipse y entonó una canción tan cruda que despellejaba los árboles cercanos. Y cuando llegó el león —enorme, dorado, divino—, no lo adoró. Le arrancó la garganta con los dientes, aulló entre la sangre salpicada y se coronó rey con su cráneo. Los ancianos imploraron venganza a los espíritus. Los espíritus rieron. "¿Quiere poder?", dijeron. "Entonces lo tendrá. Para siempre". Así que lo maldijeron, no con la muerte, sino con un propósito eterno. El Cantor de Guerra no se pudriría. No dormiría. No olvidaría. Caminaría, cada noche, por el páramo que creó, cargando con el peso de cada alma que silenciaba con su canción. Le robaron la voz, sustituida por el zumbido de un viento maldito. Su garganta brilla con fuego esmeralda, una herida abierta en la trama del tiempo. Sus costillas laten como tambores tocados por manos invisibles. ¿Y esa cabeza de león? No es un casco. Está viva, se retuerce, gruñe, rechina, es una presa invisible. A veces llora. A veces ríe. Lleva un tocado de plumas bañadas en sangre de guerrero, cada una arrancada de un alma que él mismo deshizo. No ondean con la brisa. Se estremecen con una agonía sin aliento, atrapadas entre el silencio y el grito. El aire a su alrededor apesta a ceniza vieja, polvo de sangre y el tipo de miedo que hace que los animales aborten. Las leyendas dicen que se aparece a quienes rompen pactos: perjuros, cobardes, falsos profetas. Un minuto eres un tonto, mintiendo a tu amante o escupiendo sobre la tradición. ¿Al siguiente? Oyes el sonido. No es un cántico. No es un gruñido. Algo intermedio. Un ritmo desgarrador. Un canto fúnebre tarareado por la tierra. Empieza en tu columna vertebral y termina en tu alma, y ​​entonces... él está ahí. De pie. Observando. Cantando sin sonido. No habla. No le hace falta. Tus huesos lo oyen perfectamente. Y luego, oh sí, entonces... canta. Y tu cuerpo desaprende cómo mantenerse completo. No deja nada más que tambores rotos, dientes destrozados y huellas con forma de interrogantes. Los afortunados aparecen ahuecados, con venas verdes y los ojos abiertos. ¿Los desafortunados? Se unen a él. Otro hueso. Otro ritmo en la maldita canción interminable. Aquí afuera, en las llanuras que se olvidaron de sí mismas, el tiempo y la memoria no se sostienen. ¿Pero el Cantante de Guerra? Él se sostiene perfectamente. Él lo sostiene todo. El canto de los huesos nunca termina Para cuando oigas el redoble del tambor ya será demasiado tarde. No viene de atrás ni de alguna cima lejana. Viene de dentro, de tu médula. No sabes si es pánico o profecía, pero te tiemblan las rodillas, te retuercen las entrañas y te cagas sin vergüenza. Las Llanuras Olvidadas hacen eso. El Cantor de Guerra hace eso. Tres partidas de guerra habían pasado por este tramo en la última década: mercenarios, carroñeros y fanáticos de la fe. Ninguno logró pasar del río muerto. Se encontraron huesos roídos hasta convertirse en polvo. Sus armas se fundieron con la tierra como azúcar. No oxidadas. Derretidas. Como si la tierra misma no quisiera recordar su arrogancia. Pero el verdadero horror no fue lo que quedó. Fue lo que no quedó. Mira, cuando el Cantor de Guerra te captura, no solo mueres. Te reciclan . Te arranca la voz del alma como chicle desprendido de la suela de un zapato: lenta, pegajosa y humillante. Gritas, pero sale como canto de pájaros, o notas de flauta, o peor aún: un tipo graznó una nana hasta que sus pulmones se convirtieron en humo. ¿Y entonces? Entonces el Cantante de Guerra abre su cavidad torácica como un maldito armario y almacena ese sonido dentro de sí. Tu miedo se convierte en verso. Tu dolor en percusión. Ahora eres el canto. Hay un lugar, a medio camino del centro de las Llanuras, donde la tierra es roja y blanda. Los lugareños lo llaman La Boca . Sería una tontería ir allí. Pero si lo haces, y si excavas, encontrarás los instrumentos. Cientos de ellos. Flautas talladas en huesos de espinilla, tambores hechos de caras tensas y estiradas, sonajeros rellenos de dientes. ¿Y en cada uno de ellos? Un nombre. Grabado a fuego. Personal. Íntimo. El Cantante de Guerra no te mata. Te recuerda . Y cuando canta con uno de esos instrumentos, no es música. Es confesión. Es cada pecado que enterraste, cada momento en que deseaste haber mantenido la boca cerrada. Él te interpreta. Delante de los dioses. Delante de los muertos. Y peor aún, delante de quien más amabas. No viene todas las noches. Eso sería clemencia. No, espera hasta que lo olvides . Cuando la fogata está caliente, la comida es buena y por fin has dejado de mirar por encima del hombro. Entonces el viento se calma. El aire se vuelve cálido y húmedo . Y comienza el cántico. Nadie ha escapado jamás de él. Nadie ha hablado con él y ha sobrevivido. ¿Y los que dicen haberlo hecho? Son solo huesos en espera. Personas vacías. Ecos con piel. El Cantante de Guerra no negocia. Colecciona. Canta. Repite ... Algunos lunáticos lo adoran ahora. Recorren las llanuras desnudos, descuartizados, pintando su sigilo con sangre y mierda. Dicen que es el verdadero dios, el único que escucha. Pero no escucha. No le importa. Él es el castigo. Él es el ruido tras el silencio. Él es el sonido que te destroza. Y cuando el mundo termine —no con fuego ni con hielo, sino con un ritmo palpitante e infinito—, él estará en el centro. Cantando. Riendo. Derramando música a través del cráneo de un león bajo un cielo muerto. El Warchanter no se detiene. La canción continúa. Y así sucesivamente. Y así sucesivamente. "Guerrero de las Llanuras Olvidadas" está disponible para impresiones, descargas y licencias a través de nuestro Archivo de Imágenes de Arte Oscuro . Lleva la leyenda a tu pared, si te atreves.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Despertar pastel

Yolanda nace con actitud Todo comenzó en una mañana inusualmente soleada en la pradera encantada de Wickerwhim, donde las flores florecían con una alegría sospechosa y las mariposas reían con una sonoridad inconsolable. En el centro de esta alegría desmedida se encontraba un huevo enorme. No un huevo cualquiera: este fue pintado a mano por hadas que volvieron a la purpurina. Remolinos de vides doradas, lunares pastel y flores de azúcar florecientes envolvían la cáscara como una fantasía de Fabergé digna de Instagram. ¿Y dentro de este huevo? Problemas. Con alas. El caparazón se quebró. Una pequeña garra lo atravesó, luego otra. Una voz débil resonó desde dentro: “Si no consigo una mimosa en los próximos cinco minutos, me quedaré aquí hasta la próxima primavera”. El último crujido partió el huevo por la mitad, revelando una cría de dragón bastante indiferente. Sus escamas eran del color del champán y los macarrones de fresa, brillando a la luz del sol como si la hubieran incubado en un spa. Parpadeó una vez. Luego dos veces. Luego, miró de reojo, con total escepticismo, a un narciso. —No me mires así, flor. Intenta despertarte en un huevo decorativo sin calefacción. Esta era Yolanda. No era precisamente la Elegida, a menos que la profecía se refiriera a problemas de actitud. Estiró un ala, olió un tulipán y murmuró: «Uf, alergias. Claro que nací en un campo de polen en el aire». Cerca de allí, los conejos del lugar —con chalecos y monóculos, porque claro que sí— se congregaron presas del pánico. "¡El huevo ha eclosionado! ¡La profecía ha comenzado!", chilló uno de ellos. "¡El Dragón Flor despierta!" Yolanda los miró de arriba abajo. «Más me vale no estar en una especie de profecía estacional. Acabo de llegar, ni siquiera me he exfoliado». Desde el otro lado del campo, se acercó el consejo pastel de los Espíritus de la Primavera. Brillaban como pompas de jabón y olían ligeramente a malvavisco y a juicio. «Bienvenido, Oh, Nacido del Huevo. Eres el Heraldo de la Floración, el Portador de la Renovación, el...» ——La chica que aún no ha desayunado —interrumpió Yolanda—. A menos que hayan tenido un pequeño vistazo con caramelo o algo así, no voy a guardar nada. Los espíritus se detuvieron. Uno de ellos, posiblemente el líder, se acercó flotando. «Eres más descarado de lo que esperaba». Yolanda bostezó. «Yo también tengo frío. Exijo una manta, un bufé de brunch y un nombre que no suene a vela de temporada». Y así, el dragón profetizado de la primavera surgió de su huevo brillante, parpadeando bajo la luz del sol y listo para abrirse camino a través del destino, o echar una siesta, dependiendo de la situación del refrigerio. Ella era Yolanda. Estaba despierta. Y que Dios ayude a quien se interpusiera entre ella y el chocolate de Pascua. Tronos de chocolate y rebeliones de malvaviscos Por la tarde, Yolanda ya se había apropiado de un sombrero hecho con pétalos de narciso tejidos, dos collares de gominolas y un trono hecho enteramente con conejitos de chocolate medio derretidos. Era pegajoso. Era inestable. Era fabuloso. —¡Tráeme las trufas de centro blando! —ordenó, recostada en el trono improvisado como una cantante de salón decadente que se perdió su vocación profesional—. Y te juro que si consigo un conejo hueco más, alguien acabará en la pila de compost. El consejo de conejos intentó cumplir con sus exigencias. Harold, un conejo nervioso pero bienintencionado, con gafas de quevedo y problemas de ansiedad, se acercó corriendo con una cesta de golosinas envueltas en papel de aluminio. "Oh, Eggborn, ¿quizás te gustaría reseñar el Festival de la Floración esta noche? Habrá fuegos artificiales y... ¿galletas de semillas orgánicas?" Yolanda lo miró con una expresión tan inexpresiva que parecía una crepa. "¿Fuegos artificiales? ¿En un campo de flores? ¿Intentas provocar un infierno? ¿Y dijiste galletas de semillas ? Harold. Cariño. Soy un dragón. No me gusta la chía". —¡Pero… las profecías! —gimió Harold. “Las profecías son solo historias antiguas escritas por gente que buscaba una excusa para prender fuego a las cosas”, respondió. “Leí la mitad de una esta mañana. Me quedé dormida durante la 'Canción de la Restauración Estacional'; sonaba como un elfo deshidratado intentando rimar 'fotosíntesis'”. Mientras tanto, se oían susurros por los prados. La Gente Malvavisco se despertaba. Ahora bien, dejemos algo claro: la Gente Malvavisco no era dulce. Ya no. Los Espíritus de la Temporada los habían empalagoso y olvidado siglos atrás, condenados a oscilar eternamente entre la dulzura excesiva y la infravaloración. Vestían túnicas de celofán y cabalgaban en PEEPS™ hacia la batalla. ¿Y Yolanda? Estaba a punto de convertirse en su reina. O en su almuerzo. Posiblemente en ambos. La primera señal llegó como una onda en la hierba: unas patitas esponjosas que golpeaban con fuerza como agresivas bolas de pelusa. Yolanda se incorporó en su trono, con una garra hundida perezosamente en un tarro de crema de avellanas. "¿Oyes eso?" —¡La profecía dice que ésta es la Hora del Sacarino Ajuste de Cuentas! —gritó Harold, sosteniendo un pergamino tan viejo que se desmoronó en sus patas. "Parece que la marca cambia de humor", murmuró Yolanda. Se puso de pie, agitando las alas dramáticamente para darle un toque especial. "Adivina: malvaviscos enfadados y sensibles, ¿verdad? ¿Con sombreros bonitos?" La horda coronó la colina como una amenazante nube de venganza con temática de postres. Al frente había un malvavisco particularmente grande con botas de regaliz y una mandíbula capaz de cortar fondant. Apuntó a Yolanda con un bastón de caramelo y gritó: "¡TIEMBLA, AYUDA DE LA PRIMAVERA! ¡EL AZÚCAR SUBIRÁ!" Yolanda parpadeó. «¡Ay, no! ¡Están haciendo un monólogo!» Continuó, imperturbable. "¡Exigimos tributo! ¡Un dragón de temporada, ligeramente tostado y bañado en ganache!" —Si intentas asarme, te juro que convertiré este campo en crème brûlée —gruñó Yolanda—. Acabo de descubrir cómo respirar vapor caliente, ¿y quieres empezar una barbacoa? La batalla casi estalló allí mismo, entre los tulipanes, hasta que Yolanda, con una garra levantada, detuvo el momento como un director en un ensayo técnico. Bien. ¡Todos paren! Tiempo fuera. ¿Qué tal si, y solo estoy pensando ideas, hacemos un tratado de paz? Con bocadillos. Y vino. El general Malvavisco ladeó la cabeza. "¿Vino?" "¿Alguna vez has probado el rosado y el pastel de zanahoria? ¡Qué pasada!", sonrió con suficiencia. "En vez de barbacoa, mejor que mejor". Funcionó. Porque claro que funcionó. Yolanda era una dragona de encanto desmesurado y exigencias desmesuradas. Esa noche, bajo la luz de la luna y las luciérnagas colgadas como luces de hadas, se celebró el primer Festival de Dulces Burbujeantes. Malvaviscos y conejitos bailaron. Los espíritus se emborracharon con hidromiel de madreselva. Yolanda hizo de DJ usando sus alas como platillos y se autoproclamó «Maestra Suprema del Descaro de la Temporada». Al amanecer, una nueva profecía había cobrado vida, principalmente gracias a un fauno borracho que usó jarabe y esperanza. Decía: “Ella vino del huevo de la flor pastel, Trajo consigo descaro y amenazas de una fatalidad ardiente. Ella calmó la pelusa, lo dulce, lo pegajoso. Con brunch y chistes que rayaban en lo asqueroso. Salve Yolanda, Reina de la Primavera. ¿Quién prefiere dormir la siesta antes que hacer algo? Yolanda lo aprobó. Se acurrucó junto a una cesta de trufas de espresso, meneando la cola perezosamente, y murmuró: «Ese sí que es un legado con el que puedo dormir la siesta». Y con esto, el primer dragón de Pascua se durmió en la leyenda: con la barriga llena, la corona torcida y su prado a salvo (aunque ligeramente caramelizado). ¿No te cansas del descaro pastel y la elegancia innata de Yolanda? ¡Trae su magia a tu propio mundo con la ayuda de nuestro archivo encantado! Los lienzos le dan su toque de fuego a tus paredes, mientras que las bolsas tote te permiten llevar actitud y arte a donde vayas. ¿Te sientes a gusto? Acurrúcate de la manera más original posible con una manta de felpa polar . ¿Quieres un poco de descaro en tu espacio? Prueba con un tapiz de pared digno de la guarida de cualquier reina dragón. Y para quienes necesitan su dosis diaria de poder pastel para llevar, tenemos fundas para iPhone que llenan de actitud con cada toque. Consigue tu pieza de leyenda dragona ahora: Yolanda no se conformaría con menos, y tú tampoco deberías.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

La lengua que saborea mundos

La primera vez que Vark probó el aire de este mundo, sintió náuseas. No porque fuera tóxico —aunque bien podría haberlo sido—, sino porque era abrumador. Las esporas, la humedad, el cosquilleo eléctrico en la lengua. Era como lamer una batería sumergida en miel fermentada. —Ay, odio eso —gruñó Vark, retrayendo la lengua con un escalofrío. Sus enormes y brillantes ojos negros reflejaban el ondulante follaje fúngico que lo cubría. Podía oír susurrar: suaves vibraciones, imperceptibles para el oído inexperto. Pero él no era inexperto. Era un profesional. Un gourmet cósmico. Un conocedor de sabores planetarios. Su lengua no era solo una lengua. Era un instrumento, una maravilla biológica finamente afinada que podía saborear la historia, la energía, incluso el tiempo mismo. Un solo movimiento podía desentrañar los secretos de un planeta. ¿Un largo sorbo? Eso era para los verdaderamente aventureros. Y ahora mismo, este planeta le estaba gritando por cada poro. —Tranquilos, tranquilos —murmuró, acariciando un musgo particularmente nervioso. Era como estar entre un grupo de abuelas chismosas, todas agarrando sus perlas y susurrando frenéticamente en su dialecto fúngico. Algo los tenía asustados. Vark extendió de nuevo su larga lengua afilada, dejándola deslizarse por el aire como una antena viviente. Mil microrreceptores saborearon la brisa, la tierra, los vibrantes hongos neón. Cada uno contaba una historia diferente. Algunos hablaban de la tierra, rica y antigua. Otros susurraban sobre criaturas que se escabullían en la oscuridad, invisibles. Y uno... Uno de ellos le provocó una sacudida que le recorrió todo el sistema nervioso. —¡Uy! —Vark retrajo la lengua tan rápido que casi se la mordió—. Eso no es normal. Había surgido de un hongo gigantesco, con su sombrero tan ancho como el casco de un barco, y sus branquias revestidas de un brillo bioluminiscente que latía como un latido. Pero no solo estaba vivo. Era consciente. Y trataba de decirle algo. Vark colocó una mano sobre la superficie esponjosa de los hongos gigantes y volvió a extender la lengua, esta vez con cautela. En cuanto tocó la superficie, una oleada de información explotó en su mente. Imágenes. Sonidos. Una descarga rápida de algo que le provocó un estremecimiento en todo el cuerpo. Una voz. No, no una voz. Un pensamiento. Proyectado directamente en su cerebro. DEJAR. La piel de Vark crepitaba con patrones luminiscentes, que oscilaban entre azules profundos y púrpuras angustiosos. Los de su especie no oían las cosas como la mayoría de los seres. Saboreaban la información, la absorbían a través de sus lenguas, sus células. ¿Y esto? Era el sabor de una advertencia. —De acuerdo, Gran Hongo —murmuró Vark, sacudiéndose la estática que le recorría las extremidades—. ¿De qué se supone que debo huir, exactamente? Entonces el suelo se estremeció bajo él. El musgo se abrió con un movimiento lento y pausado, revelando algo justo debajo de la superficie: algo metálico. Algo zumbando. Vark dio un paso atrás. "Oh, ni hablar." Los hongos se balancearon violentamente, sus sombreros brillantes parpadeando en ondas sincronizadas, como si intentaran decir «Te lo advertimos». El suelo se agrietó aún más, y por primera vez en su larguísima y cuestionable carrera de lamer planetas, Vark sintió una auténtica inquietud. Un leve zumbido mecánico llenó el aire, elevándose desde las profundidades del planeta como una bestia despertando. Los instintos de Vark le gritaban que saliera disparado, que subiera a su nave y volara lo más lejos posible de lo que se agitara bajo tierra. Pero un profesional nunca deja un misterio sin descubrir. —Muy bien —dijo, flexionando las extremidades—. Es hora de ponerse raro. Extendió la lengua una vez más y la envió profundamente hacia la grieta de la tierra. Hubo un momento de silencio. Entonces se escuchó un estruendo tan fuerte que el aire mismo pareció desgarrarse. Lo último que vio Vark antes de ser arrojado hacia atrás fue una luz verde cegadora que brotaba del abismo como fuego líquido. Algo había allí abajo. ¿Y ahora? Sabía que estaba aquí. Vark estaba en el aire. No era el tipo de vuelo genial en el que planeas con gracia, con las extremidades extendidas, disfrutando de la gloria a cámara lenta de un momento épico. No. Este era el tipo malo . El tipo agitado, con las extremidades por todas partes, gritando por dentro. La explosión lo había lanzado como una espora en un huracán. Giró en el aire denso y empapado de esporas; su cuerpo era un caleidoscopio de patrones parpadeantes mientras su cerebro se esforzaba por procesar lo que acababa de ocurrir. Entonces chocó con algo blando. Musgo. Bendito y elástico musgo. Aterrizó con un golpe sordo , hundiéndose al menos treinta centímetros en el terreno blando. Por un instante, se quedó allí tendido, con las extremidades extendidas, contemplando el cielo palpitante y fúngico. —Vale —jadeó—. No ha sido mi peor aterrizaje. Su lengua, que se había curvado protectoramente en pleno vuelo, se desplegó ligeramente, tanteando el aire. El planeta entero estaba en estado de pánico . Las esporas vibraban a un ritmo alarmante, enviando señales de socorro. Los hongos, normalmente lentos y contemplativos, ahora se retorcían, sus colores cambiaban erráticamente. Todo el ecosistema estaba en vilo. Y luego… La voz regresó. LO HAS DESPERTADO. Vark se incorporó tan rápido que casi inhaló una espora flotante. "¿Despertar qué? ", ​​preguntó tosiendo. "¡Oye, solo estaba probando el sabor local! No quería..." LO HAS DESPERTADO. ¡Vale, vale! ¡Entendido! Superdespierto, 10/10, no lo recomiendo. ¿Qué es ? Silencio. Los hongos no respondían. Pero el suelo sí. Un nuevo sonido llenó el aire: un profundo retumbar mecánico que envió vibraciones por la columna vertebral de Vark. No era solo ruido. Era lenguaje. Una frecuencia que ignoraba el pensamiento y penetraba directamente en el sistema nervioso. A Vark no le gustó. Se incorporó a gatas, con sus alargadas extremidades moviéndose más rápido que su dignidad, y se giró hacia la grieta en la tierra. La luz verde ya no era solo luz. Era una presencia. Y iba subiendo. —No —declaró Vark—. No, no, no. —Se dio la vuelta para correr. Demasiado tarde. El suelo estalló, y de sus profundidades surgió algo que hizo que incluso Vark, que una vez había lamido un agujero negro solo para ver qué pasaba, reconsiderara sus decisiones de vida. Una vasta y cambiante masa de zarcillos biometálicos, reluciente con un brillo de tecnología antigua y fluido orgánico, surgió de las profundidades. Era enorme, fácilmente del tamaño de un buque de guerra; su forma era una fusión imposible de materia viva y máquina. Algunas partes brillaban con la misma luz de neón que los hongos, como si hubiera estado durmiendo bajo ellos durante siglos, alimentándose de su energía. Entonces habló. “¿QUIÉN SE ATREVE A PROBAR LA CERRADURA?” Vark se congeló. “Yo… lo siento, ¿la cerradura? ” La entidad se movió, sus zarcillos serpenteando por el aire como cables sensibles. La frecuencia de su voz no era solo sonido; era un ataque a la realidad misma. “El candado estaba sellado. Hasta ahora.” El cerebro de Vark zumbaba, intentando reconstruir las cosas y al mismo tiempo resistiendo el impulso de gritar. "Mira, amigo", dijo, levantando las cuatro manos en lo que esperaba que fuera un gesto de desarme general. "Esto es claramente un malentendido. Solo estaba, eh, haciendo una pequeña investigación culinaria. Ya sabes, una pequeña cata de lenguas planetaria. No tenía ni idea de que estaba lamiendo algo importante. O sea, suelo hacerlo, pero no a propósito". Los zarcillos se crisparon. “HAS ROTO EL SELLO.” —Uf. Eso suena mal. “HAS INVOCADO EL FIN.” Vark retrocedió lentamente. "Vale. Eso suena peor". El cielo sobre ellos se oscureció. Los hongos, antes brillantes y vibrantes, ahora se atenuaban, sus colores se desvanecían como si algo los estuviera drenando . Vark extendió su lengua nuevamente, desesperado por probar cualquier resto de información que pudiera ayudarlo a no morir. Y fue entonces cuando se dio cuenta de la verdad. Esto no era solo una criatura. Era una prisión . No. Un guardián . ¿Y lo que contenía? Estaba despertando. Vark giró lentamente la cabeza y abrió mucho los ojos al ver que la segunda fisura en el suelo comenzaba a abrirse. Algo estaba saliendo arrastrándose. Algo grande . La voz del Guardián tronó una última vez. “PREPÁRATE, LENGUADOR.” Vark tragó saliva con fuerza. “A veces realmente odio mi trabajo”. El suelo bajo sus pies volvió a temblar. Y entonces, con un rugido que destrozó el aire mismo, se desató el verdadero horror de este planeta. Sea dueño de un pedazo del misterio Puede que Vark se haya metido en problemas intergalácticos, pero tú puedes llevar la aventura a casa sin el riesgo de despertar horrores ancestrales. Sumérgete en la belleza surrealista de La Lengua que Saborea Mundos con estos coleccionables exclusivos: Tapiz: Transforme su espacio con una exhibición sorprendente y de otro mundo. Impresión en lienzo: una pieza con calidad de museo para quienes aprecian lo inquietante y extraordinario. Rompecabezas: junta las piezas del misterio, un fragmento alucinante a la vez. Tarjeta de felicitación: Comparte una sorpresa interdimensional con alguien especial. ¡Haz clic en tu producto favorito para explorar la colección y traer el extraño viaje de Vark a tu mundo!

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Florecer en vuelo

La peregrinación accidental de Marvin Snork Marvin Snork no era lo que se llamaría un hombre con propósito. Era un repartidor de pasteles semi-jubilado de cuarenta y dos años que vivía con una tortuga llamada Gerald y coleccionaba paquetes de condimentos caducados "por si acaso". La mayor ambición de Marvin hasta la fecha había sido meter tres perritos calientes calentados en el microondas en una sola tortilla. Lo llamó "El Tubo de Carne del Triunfo" y había conseguido apenas cuatro "me gusta" en un hilo desconocido de Reddit. Entonces, un martes por la mañana, mientras rebuscaba en su cajón abarrotado de equipo de camping sin usar (léase: dos brújulas rotas y un poncho de emergencia de 1998), Marvin encontró algo inesperado: una riñonera cubierta de purpurina que, sin duda, no era suya. Brillaba como vómito de unicornio y olía vagamente a tequila y arrepentimiento. Dentro de la riñonera había una nota escrita a mano en papel rosa que decía: Si encontraste esto, ¡felicidades! Eres el nuevo Guardián de la Misión. No lo arruines. Camina hacia el este hasta que ocurra algo raro. — Amor, Destino (probablemente) Marvin parpadeó. Lo releyó. Volvió a oler la riñonera. No. Todavía tequila. Todavía arrepentimiento. Todavía fatalidad brillante. No estaba seguro de si era una broma de su prima Rhonda (una amenaza conocida con una rotuladora) o algún elaborado proyecto de arte callejero. Pero algo que Marvin sí sabía, en lo más profundo de su alma, era que no había tenido una aventura en años. O nunca. Así que, como era de esperar, Marvin se puso la riñonera, la llenó con un paquete de seis palitos de queso y salió de casa con calcetines y chanclas desparejados. Gerald, la tortuga, lo vio marcharse con lo que podría haber sido una silenciosa desaprobación, o tal vez solo gases. Era difícil saberlo con las tortugas. Caminó hacia el este, porque eso decía la nota. Después de unas cuatro cuadras y un incidente inconveniente con una paloma (QEPD la camisa limpia), Marvin se topó con la primera señal de "algo raro". Un hombre con gabardina estaba parado en la esquina, tocando la armónica agresivamente mientras sostenía un cartel que decía: "PREGÚNTAME SOBRE LAS ABEJAS". “¿Abejas?”, preguntó Marvin, genuinamente curioso y ya sudando. "¡TODAVÍA NO!", gritó el hombre, y luego arrojó una cáscara de plátano a los pies de Marvin y corrió hacia el tráfico. Marvin lo siguió con la mirada durante un minuto entero, luego bajó la mirada. La cáscara de plátano estaba pintada de dorado y olía a canela. Fue entonces cuando Marvin lo supo: este no era un martes cualquiera. Era una Aventura con A mayúscula. Una Búsqueda. Quizás una conmoción cerebral leve, pero se inclinaba por la Búsqueda. Con un nuevo propósito y una riñonera que brillaba como una bomba de purpurina en una fiesta rave, Marvin se lanzó a la locura que el mundo tenía preparada. Y ahí, querido lector, es donde las cosas empezaron a descontrolarse de forma espectacular... La Ilustración de Marvin y el Culto del Malvavisco Llameante Marvin vagó durante tres días sin nada más que la riñonera, su menguante provisión de palitos de queso y un sarpullido creciente por lo que luego descubrió que era "purpurina artesanal" hecha con bolas de discoteca molidas y mentiras. Atravesó dos pueblos pequeños, una feria renacentista que confundió con un portal del tiempo y una gasolinera abandonada que resultó ser un bar de kombucha en funcionamiento, regentado por una mujer llamada Starfruit que no paraba de llamarlo "Hermano Vibrador de Bocadillos". Pero nada comparado con el momento en que, sudado, ligeramente achispada y alucinando con ardillas parlantes, se topó con las faldas de lo que parecía ser una reunión sagrada. El cartel de la entrada decía: «BIENVENIDOS BUSCADORES A LA LLAMA SAGRADA DE LA SABIDURÍA CARAMELIZADA». Un hombre con una túnica rosa neón lo saludó. "¿Nombre y propósito?", preguntó. Marvin Snork. Eh. Un entusiasta de los palitos de queso. ¿Quizás el Guardián de la Misión? El hombre jadeó y se arrodilló. "¡El Snork ha vuelto!", bramó. Detrás de él, un grupo de veinticinco individuos con túnicas empezó a corear y a lanzar malvaviscos veganos a una hoguera con un toque dramático. Uno gritó: "¡SUELTEN LA PEGAJOSA VERDAD!" y se dio una bofetada con una espátula. Era muchísimo. Resulta que Marvin se había adentrado sin querer en una sociedad secreta conocida como la Orden del Malvavisco Llameante : una secta, pero de las divertidas. Nada de refrescos. Solo fuego, golosinas, teología cuestionable y una desconfianza generalizada hacia los pantalones. Durante la semana siguiente, Marvin fue mimado como un dios de los malvaviscos. Le dieron chanclas ceremoniales. Le masajearon las pantorrillas con aceite de coco y murmuraron «benditas sean tus pantorrillas» con una sinceridad desconcertante. Le pidieron sabiduría, y él les ofreció joyas como: “Nunca confíes en un hombre que acumula paquetes de condimentos... a menos que seas ese hombre”. Si el palito de queso se rompe, come las dos mitades. Eso es equilibrio. “La felicidad es una tortilla que no se rompe.” Estos dichos se añadieron de inmediato a los pergaminos sagrados del culto (impresos en papel de cáñamo ecológico, por supuesto), y Marvin fue declarado «El Profeta de la Merienda». Incluso se habló de construir una estatua a su imagen usando barras de granola caducadas y pegamento caliente. Pero una noche de luna, Marvin se sentó solo junto al fuego ceremonial, contemplando su riñonera manchada de purpurina, que ahora zumbaba suavemente con energía cósmica o abejas atrapadas (el jurado aún no había decidido). Un iniciado vestido con una túnica se acercó sigilosamente y se sentó a su lado. —Nos has traído una gran sabiduría —dijo—. Pero… ¿qué buscas ? Marvin, pegajoso, quemado por el sol, con un poco de gases y espiritualmente abrumado, finalmente admitió: «La verdad es que no lo sé. Encontré una nota rara y seguí caminando porque... bueno... mi vida no servía para mucho más. Y ahora la gente hace reverencias y canta mientras intento defecar detrás de un arbusto sin que nadie me juzgue. Es increíble. Pero también... no sé. Extraño a mi tortuga». La mujer asintió solemnemente. "Es cierto. Además, tenemos agua corriente. ¿Por qué estás cagando en el bosque?" Y fue entonces cuando Marvin se dio cuenta de algo profundo: No buscaba un sentido. Era solo un hombre de mediana edad que necesitaba sentir algo diferente . Quizás la Búsqueda no se trataba de adónde ibas, sino de darte permiso para no ir a ninguna parte, solo… con más entusiasmo. Así que se levantó, se dio un último trago de malvavisco (sí, eso existe), se despidió de todos los miembros de la secta con un abrazo (incómodamente largo) y se dirigió al oeste esta vez. De vuelta con Gerald. De vuelta a la vida tranquila. Con una riñonera un poco usada, una historia que nadie creería y una extraña necesidad de empezar su propia línea de filosofías basadas en tortillas llamada "Wraps of Wisdom". Y mientras Marvin desaparecía en el horizonte dorado, alguien susurró: “El Profeta de la Merienda ha ascendido”. Alguien más respondió: “Dejó sus chanclas”. Llévate la magia a casa Si la peregrinación accidental de Marvin te inspiró a abrazar lo extraño, lo colorido y lo ocasionalmente cafeinado, trae un poco de esa misma belleza caótica a tu mundo con Flourish in Flight de Bill y Linda Tiepelman, una vívida celebración de color, movimiento y estilo sin complejos. Transforma tu espacio con un tapiz brillante que irradia pura energía de colibrí. Cuelga la magia en tu pared con una impresión en lienzo con calidad de galería. Ponte cómodo en medio del caos usando un cojín que sea a la vez cómodo y tema de conversación. Lleva tu rareza dondequiera que vayas con un elegante bolso de mano que dice "Puede que esté perdido, pero soy fabuloso". Comienza tu día como un profeta del refrigerio con una taza de café que contiene más que solo cafeína: contiene posibilidades (y tal vez brillo). Marvin encontró su camino por casualidad. Tú puedes encontrar el tuyo a propósito: un objeto hermoso a la vez.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Reina de la colmena Gossamer

El zumbido Empezó un martes, lo cual ya resultaba sospechoso. Los martes suelen sentirse como lunes con ropa más barata, y este tenía una vibra particularmente extraña, como si la realidad se estuviera poniendo al revés. Desmond Flarrow, apicultor de modales apacibles y barítono semi-retirado, estaba hundido hasta los tobillos en trébol, admirando su colmena y bebiendo un termo tibio de ginebra de manzanilla. Era su ritual diario: observar a las abejas, murmurar algo poético, luego entrar y fingir que escribía una novela. Pero hoy, algo... zumbaba. No solo el zumbido habitual de las abejas, sino una vibración rica y armónica que relucía en el aire como un coro de diapasones cantando en latín. El trébol se mecía como si manos invisibles le hicieran cosquillas, y el cielo... ¿era eso brillo? Del corazón de la Colmena 7, aquella que Desmond siempre sospechó que era un pequeño "extra", surgió un destello de luz dorada y cobalto. La parte superior de la colmena se desprendió como un corcho de champán, liberando un aroma entre trueno de caramelo y antiguo libro de hechizos. Entonces, del interior brumoso, emergió ella ... No era una abeja reina. Era la Reina. La madre del zumbido. La emperatriz emplumada del néctar. Flotaba a metro y medio de altura, con las alas vibrando con precisión de encaje, su pelaje era un tapiz de terciopelo de naranja quemado, turquesa y secretos. Ojos como gemas de medianoche. Era mitad insecto, mitad divina declaración de moda, y se suponía que no era real. "Hola, Desmond", dijo, con una voz que sonaba como campanas de viento en un espectáculo burlesco. "Soy la Reina Aurelia. Tenemos trabajo que hacer". Desmond, para su crédito, solo derramó la mitad de su ginebra. Antes de que pudiera preguntar cómo o por qué una abeja le hablaba —y lo hacía con más carisma que la mayoría de los alcaldes— la Reina Aurelia extendió un ala, trazó un círculo en el aire y abrió un portal brillante hecho enteramente de patrones de panal y luz eléctrica mandarina. "Has sido elegido", dijo. "No eres solo un apicultor, Desmond. Eres el Guardián del Néctar Antiguo". "¿Y ahora qué?", ​​balbuceó, sintiendo ya la atracción del portal. Sus pies se despegaron del suelo como si la hierba hubiera cedido a la gravedad. Flotó hacia la abertura, con el termo de ginebra aún aferrado en una mano temblorosa. "Pronto lo entenderás", ronroneó. "Pero por ahora, agárrate fuerte. Vamos a traspasar el velo. Y hay un ciempiés burocrático que me debe un favor". Y con eso, desaparecieron en el vórtice brillante, dejando solo un parche de trébol quemado y una ardilla muy confundida atrás. La burocracia del Nectarverso y la danza de los siete aguijones Desmond aterrizó no con un golpe sordo, sino con el desconcertante chapoteo de un sofá de hongos. El reino a su alrededor latía con una luz tenue y susurraba en seis dialectos de la abeja. Estaba dentro del Nectarverso , una dimensión oculta a medio camino entre la lógica onírica, la improvisación de jazz y el interior de un huevo de Fabergé. Todo brillaba, pero también olía ligeramente a pimentón ahumado y arrepentimiento. La reina Aurelia revoloteaba a su lado, irradiando confianza y majestuosidad feromonal. «Bienvenido a Apis Central», declaró. «La capital del multirreino polinizador». "Hace... una humedad extraña", murmuró Desmond, quitándose del hombro una pequeña constelación de escarabajos brillantes. Uno de ellos le hizo un pequeño gesto de aprobación con el pulgar. Más tarde descubriría que se trataba de un gesto político, y que sin querer se había comprometido a patrocinar una campaña electoral de escarabajos peloteros. Los recibió un lacayo: un ciempiés con chaleco y un monóculo en cada uno de sus primeros ocho ojos. «Su Majestad la Reina Aurelia, Soberana de la Luz del Polen, Duquesa del Polvo de Diente de León y Guardiana del Zumbido Prohibido», entonó. «Y... invitado». Desmond saludó tímidamente. «Hola. Solo estoy aquí para el viaje, de verdad». La reina Aurelia ignoró las formalidades. «Necesitamos un pase a las Cortes Florecientes. La Reina de las Avispas está despertando de nuevo». El ciempiés olfateó y desplegó un pergamino más largo que una fiesta previa al partido. «Deberás presentar el Formulario Bee-17B, solicitar una audiencia con el Cónclave Floral y programar una auditoría de polen. Ah, y tu compañero humano debe someterse a la Prueba de los Siete Aguijones». La voz de Desmond se quebró. "Disculpe, ¿el qué?" Un enjambre de polillas muy educadas con esmoquin se lo llevó de inmediato, dejando a Aurelia atrás con el ciempiés y unas miradas diplomáticas impresionantemente tensas. Fue lanzado a un anfiteatro resplandeciente hecho de vidrio de cardo, que resonaba con murmullos de la antigua ley del polen. En el centro: un círculo de tronos con forma de pistilos de flores gigantes. En cada uno se sentaba un miembro del **Consejo de los Siete Aguijones**, envuelto en túnicas de polen, juzgando a todos con la intensidad que suele reservarse para drag queens e higienistas dentales. “¡Declara tu linaje de néctar!” ladró uno. —Eh... ¿Me gusta la miel en el té? —¡Inaceptable! —gritó otro—. ¡Realiza la Danza de los Siete Aguijones o te reclasificarán eternamente como Desechos Florales ! Desmond, que no era hombre de movimiento, se quedó mirando la brillante pista de baile. Comenzó la música: mitad tecno, mitad gospel. Un dron le pasó un leotardo brillante con lentejuelas que deletreaba "BUZZWORTHY" en seis idiomas. La elección era clara: bailar o morir. Lo que siguió fueron treinta y siete minutos de agitación cada vez más errática, giros interpretativos y una invocación accidental de un espíritu de tormenta de polen llamado Todd. La multitud rugió. El Consejo lloró. Un viejo caballero avispa susurró: «Tiene el néctar dentro». De vuelta en el vestíbulo de la locura fragante, la reina Aurelia estaba bebiendo néctar de un cáliz con forma de copa de martini con forma de tulipán cuando Desmond regresó, jadeante y ligeramente radiactivo. "¿Pasé?" graznó. —Ah, sí —dijo radiante—. No solo aprobaste, sino que ahora eres legalmente una entidad de media fama. Incluye seguro dental. Tras aclarar las tonterías burocráticas, Aurelia desplegó sus alas, proyectando deslumbrantes patrones de geometría sagrada por todo el reino. El aire vibraba de anticipación. «Ahora», dijo, «a las Cortes Florecientes. La Reina de las Avispas está planeando reescribir la Constitución Floral. Y necesito a alguien que pueda bailar hasta expulsarle el polen profano». Desmond parpadeó. "¿Quieres que baile otra vez ?" "Oh, cariño", sonrió, "recién estamos empezando". Y con eso, desaparecieron una vez más en un remolino de luz cromática, listos para enfrentar la conspiración, el caos y al menos un enfrentamiento de salón de baile que sería recordado en el folclore de las abejas durante los siglos venideros. 🛍️ Llévate un trocito de la colmena a casa Si aún te emociona la danza del destino de Desmond y la gloria dorada de la Reina Aurelia, ¿por qué no traer un poco de ese encanto a tu propio reino? Los lienzos de la Reina de la Colmena Gossamer capturan cada detalle luminoso, mientras que el tapiz convierte tu pared en un portal al mismísimo Nectarverso. Disfruta de tu propia bebida como una deidad semi-eufórica con una taza , acurrúcate con un cojín o presume de tu lealtad a la colmena con una bolsa de tela . Y sí, incluso hay una pegatina para quienes quieran darle a su portátil o diario un 86% más de realeza. ¡Que viva la emoción!

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

El Dragoncito Cromático: Una Historia de Travesuras y Caos

El huevo más irracional Roderic era muchas cosas: un aventurero, un erudito, un hombre capaz de beber su propio peso en hidromiel sin pasar vergüenza (demasiado). Pero no era, bajo ninguna circunstancia, un niñero. Sin embargo, allí estaba, contemplando a la criatura recién nacida, despatarrada sobre su escritorio: un pequeño dragón con escamas de un brillo escandaloso y enormes ojos dorados que gritaban " ¡Ay! ". Había nacido de lo que él creía que era una gema invaluable que había "tomado prestada" del tesoro de un dragón anciano llamado Morgath. Resultó que Morgath no había estado acumulando tesoros. Había estado acumulando descendencia . —Bueno, escucha —dijo Roderic, frotándose las sienes mientras el dragoncito estiraba las alas y bostezaba, completamente despreocupado—. No sé cómo criar a un bebé dragón. Tengo muy poca paciencia. Además, estoy bastante seguro de que a tu padre le gustaría asesinarme. El dragoncito dejó escapar un suspiro exagerado, como si fuera él quien sufría, y luego se dejó caer de espaldas, pateando con sus patitas rechonchas. Roderic entrecerró los ojos. —¡Oh, fantástico! Eres dramático. En respuesta, el dragoncito lanzó una bocanada de humo a su cara. Roderic tosió, quitándole importancia con un gesto. «¡Grosero!» El dragoncito sonrió. El problema con los dragones diminutos Durante los siguientes días, Roderic descubrió algo importante: los dragones bebés eran insoportables. Primero, el dragoncito se negó a comer nada normal . ¿Carne fresca? No. ¿Pollo asado? Una burla. ¿Salmón ahumado caro? Escupido sobre la alfombra. Lo único que quería comer era un trozo de obsidiana encantada del alijo de alquimia de Roderic. —Eres una pequeña bestia mimada, ¿lo sabes? —murmuró, mientras observaba cómo el dragoncito masticaba alegremente la roca mágica como si fuera un bocadillo. En segundo lugar, era dramático . Todo era una actuación. El dragoncito se desplomaba boca arriba si lo ignoraban demasiado tiempo. Emitía gemidos trágicos cuando no era el centro de atención. ¿Cuándo Roderic se atrevió a salir de la habitación sin él? Ay, la traición. Los gritos eran suficientes para poner celosa a una banshee. En tercer lugar, y quizá lo peor de todo, era un artista del escapismo . Roderic despertó a la tercera mañana y descubrió que el dragoncito había desaparecido. Se le encogió el estómago. Inmediatamente, su mente lo imaginó incendiando accidentalmente su cabaña, o peor aún, topándose con una multitud enfurecida que no soportaba los peligros del fuego volador. Se puso la capa y atravesó la puerta principal... solo para encontrar al dragoncito encaramado con aire de suficiencia en lo alto del tejado de su vecino, mordisqueando lo que parecía ser un collar de plata robado. Lady Haversham estaba abajo, con las manos en las caderas. No parecía contenta. —Roderic —llamó dulcemente—. ¿ Por qué hay un dragoncito en mi casa? Roderic suspiró. «Es una amenaza». El dragoncito mordió el collar por la mitad y eructó. Lady Haversham se quedó mirando. "Ya veo." Roderic se pellizcó el puente de la nariz. "Yo lo bajaré". Lo cual era más fácil decirlo que hacerlo. El dragoncito estaba encantado con su nueva ventaja de altura y no tenía intención de bajar sin jugar a perseguirlo. Roderic tuvo que subir al tejado, donde la pequeña bestia hizo un espectáculo de esquivarlo: saltando, revoloteando fuera de su alcance y piando alegremente como si fuera el mayor entretenimiento de su vida. Roderic, jadeante, finalmente se abalanzó y atrapó al dragoncito en el aire. "Te atrapé, pequeño gremlin", gruñó. El dragoncito le dedicó una sonrisa impenitente y le lamió la nariz. Y fue entonces cuando Roderic se dio cuenta de tres cosas: Este dragoncito no tenía absolutamente ningún respeto por él. Estaba total y absolutamente superado. Iba a tener que plantearlo, le gustara o no. Él gimió. Esta iba a ser una larga aventura. Un dragón muy ilegal Tres semanas después, Roderic había aprendido dos cosas valiosas sobre la crianza de un dragoncito: Nada en su casa estaba a salvo. Ni sus libros, ni sus muebles, y mucho menos su dignidad. Los dragones bebés crecieron rápido . La amenaza, antes diminuta, ahora era el doble de grande que antes; aún lo suficientemente pequeña como para posarse en su hombro, pero lo suficientemente grande como para derribar estantes cuando se excitaba (lo cual ocurría a menudo ). El dramatismo no había cesado. De hecho, había empeorado . Si Roderic no reconocía de inmediato la existencia del dragoncito al despertar, se encontraba con una serie de gemidos agudos que podrían despertar a los muertos. ¿Y el apetito? Imposible . Roderic ahora sobornaba regularmente al herrero para obtener trozos de metal encantado, todo mientras esquivaba preguntas del magistrado local sobre por qué había destellos ocasionales de fuego de dragón provenientes de su cabaña. Lo cual, técnicamente hablando, era un delito . Los dragones bebés no eran precisamente legales en la ciudad. Entonces, cuando un fuerte BOOM resonó en las calles una noche, Roderic supo —al instante— que era su problema. El incidente de la fuga de la cárcel Salió corriendo y descubrió que el granero de su vecino había sido destruido. De pie entre los restos humeantes estaba su dragoncito, agitando la cola y con los ojos abiertos, presa de lo que solo podría describirse como un caos aturdido . Junto a él, un guardia de la ciudad, muy indiferente, se encontraba de pie. —Roderic —dijo el guardia cruzándose de brazos. Roderic se dobló, jadeando. «Hola, capitán. ¡Qué gusto encontrarte aquí!» "¿Quieres explicar por qué tu dragón acaba de hacer explotar un granero?" El dragoncito se hinchó indignado. Pió . Roderic se enderezó, apartándose el pelo empapado de sudor de la cara. "Creo que 'explotó' es una palabra fuerte". El capitán señaló los escombros en llamas. " ¿Lo es? " Roderic suspiró. «De acuerdo. Yo pago». —Lo harás —asintió el capitán, y luego bajó la voz—. Tienes que sacar esa cosa del pueblo. Si el magistrado se entera... —Sí, sí, lo sé. —Roderic se volvió hacia el dragoncito—. Bueno, felicidades, pequeño desastre. Ahora somos fugitivos. En fuga Huir de la ciudad en plena noche con un presumido bebé dragón no era como Roderic había planeado su vida, y sin embargo allí estaba, guiando a su caballo por el bosque, maldiciendo en voz baja mientras el dragón se posaba en la silla como un príncipe real. -Estás disfrutando esto, ¿no? -murmuró. El dragoncito bostezó, totalmente impenitente. —Oh, no te hagas la inocente. Volaste un granero. Movió la cola. Pío. Roderic gimió. «Debería haberte dejado en ese tejado». Pero ambos sabían que era mentira. Estaba atrapado con este dragoncito. Y, peor aún, a una parte de él no le importaba. El viento susurraba entre los árboles. A lo lejos, oyó el débil sonido de jinetes, probablemente guardias que los buscaban. Exhaló. "Bueno, pequeño terror, parece que nos vamos de aventura". El dragoncito parpadeó y luego se acurrucó contra su mejilla. Roderic refunfuñó. «Uf. No puedes sobornarme con ternura». Le lamió la oreja. Suspiró. «Bien. Quizás un poco». Y así, sin ningún destino en mente y con un dragoncito muy ilegal a cuestas, Roderic dio su primer paso hacia lo desconocido. Continuará…? ¡Trae al Dragoncito Cromático a casa! ¿Te enamoraste de este travieso dragoncito? ¡Ahora puedes llevar contigo un trocito de su magia juguetona! Ya sea que quieras añadir un toque de fantasía a tus paredes, disfrutar de su encanto ardiente o llevar su espíritu aventurero a todas partes, tenemos justo lo que necesitas: ✨ Tapices – Transforma cualquier espacio con un toque de magia de dragón. Impresiones en lienzo : una impresionante pieza central para cualquier amante de la fantasía. 🛋️ Cojines : porque cada sofá merece un poco de travesuras de dragón. 👜 Bolsos Tote – Lleva la aventura contigo dondequiera que vayas. 🔥 Stickers – Añade un poco de actitud de dragón a tu mundo. No te limites a leer sobre El Dragoncito Cromático : ¡tráelo a tu reino!

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

La cría de grifo gruñón

Una cara que sólo una madre podría abofetear Barnaby supo que se había equivocado en cuanto el huevo se abrió. Esperaba algo majestuoso, quizá una bestia majestuosa que surcara los cielos y custodiara su tesoro. Lo que recibió fue un puñado de pelusas enfadadas con la actitud de un portero de bar al que le acaban de estafar la propina. El pequeño grifo lo miró con una expresión que decía: «Ya te odio, y solo llevo doce segundos vivo». Sus plumas doradas se erizaron, su cola enroscada se movió como la de un gato irritado, y sus ojitos brillantes ardían con la furia ardiente de una tortilla demasiado cocida. —Bueno, ¿no eres la encarnación del sol y el arcoíris? —murmuró Barnaby, frotándose las sienes. El grifo emitió un sonido: mitad graznido, mitad gruñido, mitad aviso de auditoría fiscal. Inmediatamente después, se giró, levantó su diminuto trasero leonino y se cagó en las botas. "Oh, por jod—" Barnaby agarró una toalla vieja, maldiciendo a los dioses que le habían permitido incubar esta abominación gruñona. Le había pagado una fortuna a un mago siniestro por un «Guardián Místico Raro y Exótico». En cambio, recibió un dedo medio consciente envuelto en piel y plumas. Una pesadilla hambrienta y chillona El segundo día fue de alguna manera peor. En cuanto salió el sol, también lo hizo el engendro del infierno, chillando con el hambre desesperada de un noble borracho que acaba de darse cuenta de que sus sirvientes olvidaron reabastecer la bodega. Barnaby probó carne cruda. El grifo la olió y la apartó de una patada como un crítico gastronómico presumido. —Está bien, imbécil. ¿Qué quieres ? —gruñó. El grifo lo miró con la calidez de un recaudador de impuestos. Entonces, en un movimiento impensable para algo tan diminuto, se abalanzó, hundiendo sus garras en su brazo. ¡¿Qué demonios?! ¡Pequeño...! La criatura no mordió. En cambio, lo fulminó con la mirada. Y entonces, con un esfuerzo lentísimo, se acercó, agarró el trozo de carne que acababa de rechazar y le dio un mordisco delicado y presumido. —Ah, así que primero querías establecer tu dominio , ¿eh? Genial. Estoy criando a un pequeño señor de la guerra. El grifo emitió un sonido chirriante que casi parecía una risa. Destructor del sueño, devorador de la cordura Al final de la primera semana, Barnaby había alcanzado un nuevo nivel de agotamiento. El grifo, al que a regañadientes había empezado a llamar "Bastardo" porque era lo que más gritaba, tenía dos aficiones: A juzgar por lo alto de los muebles, no tenía por qué subirse. Despertándolo cada dos horas con un grito que podía cuajar la leche. Era como criar a un niño demoníaco con alas. Cada vez que Barnaby creía tener un momento de paz, Bastardo tiraba algo al suelo, chillaba sin motivo alguno o, en días especialmente molestos , se quedaba mirando la pared durante horas , lo que hacía que Barnaby sintiera cada vez más la paranoia de que estaba a punto de ser asesinado por una entidad invisible. Y aun así... el pequeño bastardo era adorable. En un tono de "te odio, pero también mataría a cualquiera que te hiciera daño". Pero no había manera de que Barnaby estuviera preparado para lo que venía después. El pequeño terror asciende Barnaby había sobrevivido a bandidos, cazarrecompensas y un caso particularmente grave de intoxicación alimentaria inducida por un dragón, pero nada lo había preparado para la absoluta pesadilla que era un grifo experimentando su primer crecimiento repentino de alas. —Juro por los dioses, bastardo, que si derribas a uno más ... CHOCAR. "- cosa. " Bastardo se sentó en el suelo, mirando fijamente los restos destrozados de un jarrón invaluable. Sus alas doradas, aún torpes y demasiado grandes para su diminuta figura, se crisparon en lo que solo podría describirse como una absoluta falta de remordimiento . Barnaby se pellizcó el puente de la nariz. «Eso era una antigüedad». El grifo parpadeó. Luego, en un gesto deliberado, claramente diseñado para arruinarle la semana, se levantó, se pavoneó hacia otro jarrón y lo arrebató de la mesa, mirándolo fijamente a los ojos . Barnaby dejó escapar un largo suspiro de derrota. Nunca iba a recuperarse financieramente de esto. Intento de fuga, intento de asesinato Era inevitable que Bastardo intentara volar. Y, como en cada momento de su corta existencia, lo abordó con una mezcla de arrogancia e intenciones homicidas. El primer intento fue bastante inofensivo: principalmente aleteo, muchos chillidos y una dramática caída de cara sobre la pila de ropa sucia de Barnaby. El segundo intento, sin embargo, implicó saltar de la estantería mientras Barnaby estaba desayunando. No hubo ninguna advertencia. Ni un gorjeo, ni un graznido, ni un brillo malicioso en sus ojos. Solo *¡BUM!*: un impacto repentino cuando una cría de grifo cayó sobre la cara de Barnaby. Su silla se volcó. Su desayuno voló por la habitación. Su vida pasó ante sus ojos. —¡DEMONIO EMPLUMADO! —bramó, agitándose salvajemente mientras Bastardo se agitaba como un murciélago en pánico y rápidamente se enredó en su cabello. Pasaron varios minutos, muchos gritos y una mesa volcada antes de que ambos salieran del desastre, jadeando y cubiertos de comida. El bastardo, como siempre, parecía completamente despreocupado. —Espero que te ahogues en tu propia presunción —se quejó Barnaby. El grifo pió, picoteó un trozo de huevo en la barba de Barnaby y luego se alejó pavoneándose como si no hubiera intentado cometer un homicidio mediante una bomba en picado. Desprecio mutuo, lealtad mutua Pasaron las semanas. El bastardo se hizo más grande. Más elegante. Un poco menos propenso a despertar a Barnaby a horas intempestivas. Todavía lo juzgaba constantemente, todavía se comportaba como un principito arrogante, pero en algún punto entre la destrucción, los gritos y las heridas leves, se había formado un respeto a regañadientes. Barnaby una vez había pensado en venderlo de nuevo a ese mago sospechoso, pero en el momento en que un idiota intentó asaltarlo en el callejón, Bastardo le arrancó la oreja a un hombre en menos de cuatro segundos. Después de eso, Barnaby pensó... tal vez el pequeño engendro del infierno no era tan malo. Tal vez. Una noche, mientras Barnaby estaba sentado junto al fuego saboreando una cerveza bien merecida, Bastardo se le subió al hombro. Pesaba mucho más ahora, y sus garras se le clavaban en la piel, pero Barnaby estaba demasiado cansado para que le importara. El grifo emitió un chirrido bajo y satisfecho y, quizás por primera vez, le acarició la mejilla. Barnaby entrecerró los ojos. —Si me vomitas encima, te juro... Pero Bastardo simplemente enroscó su cola alrededor del cuello de Barnaby y se quedó dormido, sus alas doradas se movieron mientras caía en sueño. Barnaby exhaló, tomó otro sorbo de cerveza y refunfuñó: «Vale. Pero sigues siendo un imbécil». En algún lugar del reino del sueño, Bastardo pió en señal de acuerdo. Llévate a casa a tu propio pequeño bastardo ¿Te encanta Bastard, pero aún no estás listo para la experiencia de criar un grifo caótico? ¡Buenas noticias! ¡Aún puedes disfrutar de su carita gruñona sin tener que lidiar con la destrucción! Descubre estas maravillosas maneras de traer a la cría de grifo gruñón a tu hogar: ¿Necesitas una pieza que refleje tus decisiones de vida? Consigue una impresión en lienzo . ¿Quieres que tu espacio rebose la energía de un pequeño y furioso guardián? Consigue un tapiz . ¿Sientes que tu sofá es demasiado tranquilo? Dale un toque de personalidad con un cojín decorativo . ¿Quieres llevar contigo un poco del caos alimentado por grifos? Consigue una bolsa de tela , perfecta para guardar bocadillos, libros de hechizos o decisiones vitales cuestionables. A diferencia del verdadero Bastardo, estas versiones no destrozarán tus muebles, ni gritarán a horas intempestivas, ni intentarán asesinatos aéreos. Probablemente.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

La pelusa de la ira

Nace una amenaza emplumada Los habitantes de Ember Hollow tenían muchas cosas que temer (hechizos rebeldes, duendes traviesos, alguna que otra cabra que escupía fuego [es una larga historia]), pero nada los preparó para la ira de una bola de pelusa particularmente pequeña y excepcionalmente furiosa. Comenzó, como la mayoría de las catástrofes, con un inocente error. La vieja Maeryn, la excéntrica herbolaria del pueblo, descubrió un peculiar huevo entre las raíces de un roble carbonizado. Creyéndolo abandonado, se lo llevó a casa, lo puso junto al fuego y enseguida se olvidó de él. Es decir, hasta que eclosionó. ¡Y vaya eclosión! Con un crujido, un chasquido y una explosión de brasas, emergió una criatura tan ridículamente adorable que debería haber sido ilegal. Pero en lugar de suaves píos y pasos tambaleantes, este fogoso polluelo fijó la mirada en Maeryn, erizó sus humeantes plumas y dejó escapar un grito de rabia pura y sin filtro. —¿Qué … demonios… eres TÚ? —murmuró Maeryn, sacándose el hollín del delantal. Los ojos del polluelo ardían, literalmente, como soles fundidos, con la expresión de un pequeño señor feudal que acababa de descubrir que su imperio estaba formado por campesinos. Con un gorjeo indignado, avanzó pisando fuerte, irradiando un calor que quemó el dobladillo de Maeryn. Ella agarró una cuchara de madera y la apuntó al polluelo como si fuera una espada. —Escúchame, pequeño peligro de incendio —lo regañó—. Te salvé, así que mejor deja esa actitud. El polluelo no perdió la actitud. Al contrario, se abalanzó. Desplegó las alas (adorablemente inútiles), hinchó el pecho (de alguna manera, aún más esponjoso) y entrecerró sus ojos ardientes con la amenaza de un pequeño señor de la guerra. Entonces estornudó. Y prendió fuego a las cortinas. —Oh, fantástico. —Maeryn gimió mientras agarraba un cubo. El fuego se extinguió rápidamente, pero el polluelo permaneció impasible, mirándola con la furia silenciosa de un emperador insultado por un súbdito indigno. Con un suspiro, Maeryn se cruzó de brazos y le devolvió la mirada. —Supongo que necesitas un nombre, ¿no? —reflexionó—. ¿Qué tal Ember? Las plumas del polluelo brillaron con más intensidad. No parecía impresionado. “¿Ignis?” El polluelo emitió un chirrido de disgusto. —¡Oh, por el amor de Dios! ¡BIEN! Entonces dímelo. El polluelo parpadeó. Su pico se curvó en una leve y traviesa sonrisa. Luego, con una amenaza lenta y deliberada, saltó sobre una cuchara de madera, se balanceó como un rey emplumado en su trono y miró fijamente el alma de Maeryn. " Resplandor. " Maeryn se quedó boquiabierta. "¿Acabas de... de verdad te pusiste un nombre ? ¡Por Dios! ¿Qué eres ?" Blaze no dijo nada. Simplemente se infló, volvió a sonreír con suficiencia y saltó de la cuchara como diciendo: «Ya lo sabrás». Y ese fue el momento en que Maeryn se dio cuenta de que había cometido un terrible error. El reinado del fuego Los aldeanos no tardaron en darse cuenta de que algo… era diferente en la nueva mascota de Maeryn. Para empezar, Blaze tenía opiniones firmes. Y las expresaba con vehemencia. El panadero aprendió esto a las malas cuando se negó a darle a Blaze un pastel extra. Un croissant perfectamente dorado fue cambiado por un montón de cenizas. El herrero del pueblo, un hombre corpulento con la paciencia de un santo, intentó "enseñar" a Blaze a comportarse. Blaze respondió encaramándose en su yunque y haciendo que cada herradura que forjaba se derritiera misteriosamente en charcos. Y el pobre Thom, que se atrevió a llamar a Blaze "lindo", se encontró inexplicablemente encerrado en su letrina durante tres días enteros. “Esa chica es un caos total”, declaró Thom una vez liberado. Maeryn, con las cejas quemadas y un aire de agotamiento constante, solo pudo asentir. «Lo entregaría, pero creo que prendería fuego a mi casa para vengarse». Mientras tanto, Blaze se afanaba en imponer su dominio. Había reclamado un lugar en la fuente del pueblo, donde se sentaba, ahuecando la cabeza y lanzando miradas furiosas, como si se hubiera autoproclamado rey de Ember Hollow. Los transeúntes asentían con cautela a modo de saludo, para no provocar su ira. El alcalde, en un último intento por recuperar el control, incluso intentó ofrecerle a Blaze el título de "Mascota Oficial del Pueblo". Blaze escuchó. Consideró. Luego le prendió fuego al sombrero del alcalde. A partir de ahí, la situación solo empeoró. Empezó con algo pequeño: orinales que se calentaban misteriosamente, tazones de avena que se desbordaban sin que nadie los tocara. Entonces, Blaze buscó venganza. Una mujer que lo echó de su huerto se despertó y encontró todas las verduras asadas. Un hombre que se rió del tamaño de Blaze encontró sus botas derretidas contra el adoquín. Para cuando los aldeanos se dieron cuenta de que vivían bajo el yugo de un pequeño tirano con plumas de fuego, ya era demasiado tarde. Blaze había tomado el control total. “¡Tenemos que hacer algo!” susurró uno de los miembros del consejo en una reunión secreta. "¿Cómo qué?", ​​siseó otro. "¡Es imparable! ¡Estornuda, y medio pueblo necesita reparaciones!" "Entonces lo superaremos en inteligencia", declaró Maeryn. "Tiene poder, pero también un ego más grande que su cuerpo. Solo tenemos que hacerle creer que fue idea suya irse". Y así, a la mañana siguiente, el pueblo se reunió en la plaza, donde Blaze estaba sentado en su percha habitual, mirándolos como una deidad indiferente. Maeryn dio un paso al frente, carraspeando. «Oh, gran y poderoso Blaze», comenzó, apenas conteniendo el sarcasmo, «tenemos un honor que concederte». Blaze parpadeó, intrigado. “Tú, nuestro glorioso señor, claramente has superado a esta humilde aldea”, continuó. “Tu poder es demasiado grande, tu presencia demasiado imponente. Es hora de que ocupes el lugar que te corresponde en el Palacio Real”. Blaze inclinó la cabeza. ¿Palacio? —¡Sí, sí! —intervino uno de los miembros del consejo—. Un lugar legendario donde se venera a grandes seres como tú y se les da alimento sin límites. Blaze se erizó, pensando en esto. ¿Adoración? ¿Comida sin fin? ¿Un palacio? Soltó un pequeño y petulante gorjeo. —Los escoltaremos allí en gloriosa procesión —dijo Maeryn con dramatismo—. Inmediatamente. Dicho esto, colocaron a Blaze sobre una almohada de terciopelo, lo llevaron al carruaje más grandioso de la ciudad y, con un coro final de elogios exagerados, lo enviaron a un castillo a muchas millas de distancia, donde definitivamente sería el problema de alguien más. Los aldeanos vieron cómo el carruaje desaparecía entre las colinas. Entonces, al unísono, exhalaron. "¿Crees que realmente llegará al palacio?" preguntó Thom. Maeryn negó con la cabeza. «Oh, para nada. Pero ese es un problema futuro». Y con eso, Ember Hollow quedó libre. Por ahora. ¡Trae la ira a casa! 🔥 Puede que Blaze haya dejado Ember Hollow, ¡pero su espíritu ardiente sigue vivo! ¿Quieres darle un toque de carácter ardiente a tu espacio? Descubre la colección Fluff of Wrath y llévate a casa a este pequeño y travieso tirano con estilo. 🔥 Tapiz : deja que Blaze se cerniera sobre tu reino (o sala de estar) como el pequeño señor supremo que es. Impresión en lienzo : perfecta para cualquier persona que aprecie un toque de actitud en su decoración. 🔥 Bolso Tote : Lleva un poco de caos contigo a donde quiera que vayas. Advertencia: Los bolsos de menor tamaño pueden resultar intimidantes. 🔥 Toalla de Playa Redonda – Porque nada dice “no te metas conmigo” como tomar el sol con una bola de fuego furiosa. 🔥 Cojín decorativo : Suave, atrevido y ligeramente amenazante. Igualito a Blaze. ¡Consigue el tuyo ahora y canaliza tu pájaro de fuego interior! 🔥🐤

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Grumpy Rain Sprite

La miseria empapada de un Sprite Había sido una mañana perfectamente agradable en el bosque encantado, hasta que, claro, el cielo decidió colapsar. En un instante, los pájaros cantaban, los hongos murmuraban y el sol hacía su habitual canto de "Mírame, estoy glorioso". ¿Al siguiente? Un aguacero torrencial convirtió el mundo en una pesadilla húmeda y chapoteante. Y nadie estaba más molesta que Cardo, la duende de la lluvia residente, con un temperamento tan tempestuoso como el clima. Estaba sentada en un charco creciente, con las alas colgando bajo el peso de mil gotas de lluvia, y su vestido de musgo favorito se le pegaba como una bolsita de té empapada. Su cabello plateado, normalmente un halo salvaje de rizos indomables, ahora era un desastre lacio y empapado por la lluvia. —Increíble —murmuró, apretándose los brazos contra el pecho—. Absolutamente ridículo. Tiró de su enorme paraguas de hojas para bajarlo por encima de la cabeza, frunciendo el ceño al ver que otro riachuelo goteaba del borde y le salpicaba la nariz. Era evidente que el universo tenía una venganza contra ella hoy. Probablemente por todo el incidente de "convencer a las luciérnagas de sindicalizarse" la semana pasada. Los ancianos le habían advertido sobre las consecuencias de las travesuras, pero en serio, ¿quién impone el karma hoy en día? Un crujido la hizo levantar la vista, moviendo sus orejas puntiagudas. De detrás de un grupo de setas emergía una figura familiar: Twig, el travieso del lugar y la molestia general en su trasero frondoso. Claro, aparecería ahora, probablemente solo para burlarse de ella. —Vaya, vaya, vaya —dijo arrastrando las palabras, moviendo las alas con diversión—. Pero si es la reina Soggy de Puddleland. ¿Te pido un trono de barro, o sigues celebrando tu corte en tu pantano personal? Thistle lo fulminó con la mirada. «Si valoras tus alas, Twig, te irás de mi miserable presencia antes de que te maldiga y te convierta en una babosa». Twig jadeó dramáticamente, llevándose una mano al corazón. "¡Una babosa! ¡Ay, no! ¿Qué hago? No es que ya esté tan mojado que probablemente me iría bien como una criatura viscosa y retorcida". Sonrió con suficiencia y arrancó un hongo que goteaba del suelo. "Pero, sinceramente, Cardo, ¿por qué el acto trágico? Eres un espíritu de la lluvia. Este es literalmente tu elemento". "Yo controlo la lluvia, no me gusta que me ahoguen", espetó. "Hay una diferencia". —Ah, así que es el enfoque de «haz lo que digo, no lo que hago». Una estrategia de liderazgo muy poderosa. —Twig se apoyó en su paraguas de hojas, haciéndolo caer peligrosamente cerca de derrumbarse por completo—. Pero oye, si tanto lo odias, ¿por qué no paras la lluvia? Thistle dejó escapar un suspiro largo y lento, resistiendo el impulso de estrangularlo. "Porque", dijo entre dientes, "eso requeriría esfuerzo. Y ahora mismo, elijo ahogarme en mi sufrimiento como una figura digna y trágica". —Ajá. Súper digna —dijo Twig, ladeando la cabeza al ver cómo el vestido húmedo se le pegaba a las piernas—. Pareces una rata de pantano muy alterada. Cardo extendió la mano y lo empujó hacia el charco más cercano. “¡Eso estuvo fuera de lugar!” balbuceó, incorporándose, ahora tan empapado como ella. ¿Sabes qué más es innecesario? ¡Este aguacero! —ladró, levantando las manos y enviando una ráfaga de viento entre los árboles—. Tenía planes hoy, Twig. Planes. Iba a echarme una siesta bajo un rayo de sol, a molestar a unas mariposas, quizá incluso a robar una gota de miel de la colmena de duendes. ¿Y en cambio? En cambio, estoy aquí. En este charco. Empapada. Sufriendo. "Es realmente trágico", dijo Twig, dejándose caer dramáticamente hacia atrás en el charco. "Alguien debería escribir una canción sobre tu lucha". Cardo gruñó. Iba a matarlo. O, al menos, a causarle graves molestias. La venganza de un Sprite se sirve mejor empapada Thistle respiró hondo, inhalando el aroma húmedo y terroso del bosque empapado por la lluvia. Necesitaba calmarse. Cometer violencia entre sprites solo la metería en problemas con los ancianos otra vez, y, sinceramente, sus sermones eran peores que la cara de Twig. Twig, todavía despatarrado en el charco como una ninfa tranquila, le sonrió con suficiencia. "¿Sabes? Si dejaras de enfurruñarte un tiempo, quizá te des cuenta de algo". Cardo entrecerró los ojos. «Oh, esto debería ser bueno. Ilumíname, oh, tú, sabio e irritante». —Te encanta el caos, ¿verdad? —Le lanzó un poco de agua, y ella apenas resistió el impulso de freírlo con un rayo certero—. ¿Por qué no abrazar la tormenta? ¿Hacer que todos los demás sean tan miserables como tú? Su ceño fruncido se crispó. "Continúa..." Se incorporó, sonriendo, sintiendo su atención. "Piénsalo. Las dríades acaban de colocar sus nuevos tapices de musgo; imagina el dolor cuando los encuentren empapados y arruinados". Hizo un gesto salvaje. "¿La gente de los hongos? He oído que acaban de terminar de cosechar sus preciadas esporas secadas al sol. ¿Y los duendes? ¡Ja! Llevan toda la semana acicalándose las alas para el Baile del Solsticio. Una ráfaga más de viento y..." La cara de Thistle se iluminó con una sonrisa maliciosa. "—Ciudad Frizz". —Exactamente. —Twig se inclinó con aire de conspiración—. Tienes el poder de convertir un pequeño inconveniente en un desastre total. Podrías convertir esta en la tormenta más memorable de la década. Thistle se tamborileaba el brazo con los dedos, pensativa. Los ancianos lo verían con malos ojos. Claro que, los ancianos desaprobaban casi todo lo que hacía, y, sinceramente, a estas alturas, solo estaba acumulando su desaprobación como si fueran objetos raros. Poco a poco, un plan comenzó a tomar forma. Se puso de pie, sacudiéndose la lluvia de las alas con aire decidido. «De acuerdo, Twig. Me has convencido. Pero si vamos a hacer esto, vamos a por todas». Su sonrisa se ensanchó. "Oh, no esperaba menos". Cardo hizo crujir los nudillos. El cielo retumbó en respuesta. Lo primero que hizo fue levantar el viento; no lo suficiente como para ser peligroso, pero sí lo suficiente como para que todos los duendes bien cuidados se arrepintieran de sus decisiones. Los delicados rizos se encresparon al instante. Los vestidos se agitaron en el viento, las alas batieron inútilmente, y el aire se llenó de agudos gritos de horror. Luego, centró su atención en las dríades. Oh, sus tapices de musgo habían sido hermosos. Palabra clave: habían ... ¿Y ahora? Ahora no eran más que montones húmedos y flácidos de arrepentimiento. "Qué delicia", suspiró Twig con alegría, viendo a un grupo de hongos afanarse por cubrir sus preciadas esporas. "No me había divertido tanto desde que convencí a las luciérnagas de que parpadear en código Morse era un acto revolucionario". Cardo dejó que la lluvia se precipitara con un último toque dramático, enviando una última ráfaga de viento que dispersó a los duendes como confeti furioso. Luego, tan repentinamente como había empezado, la detuvo. La lluvia cesó. El viento amainó. El bosque quedó sumido en un estado de desesperación, empapado y caótico. Y en medio de todo, Thistle permanecía de pie, luciendo muy satisfecha de sí misma. —Bueno —dijo, estirándose perezosamente—. Eso fue satisfactorio. Twig le dio una palmadita en la espalda. «Eres una amenaza, querida. Y lo respeto». Ella sonrió con suficiencia. "Lo intento." Desde lo profundo del bosque, se escuchó la voz furiosa de un anciano: " ¡CARDO! " Twig hizo una mueca. "¡Uf! ¡Qué energía de padre decepcionado!". Thistle suspiró dramáticamente. "¡Uf! Consecuencias. Qué tedioso." “¿Correr?” sugirió Twig. "Corre", asintió ella. Y con eso, los dos duendes desaparecieron en el bosque empapado y caótico, riendo como las amenazas absolutas que eran. ¡Trae las travesuras de Thistle a casa! ¿Te encanta el descaro, la tormenta y la energía caótica de nuestro espíritu de la lluvia favorito? ¡Ahora puedes capturar su brillantez melancólica en una variedad de formatos impresionantes! Ya sea que quieras añadir un toque de rebeldía caprichosa a tus paredes, resolver un rompecabezas tan complicado como la mismísima Thistle o escribir tus propios planes traviesos, lo tenemos cubierto. ✨ Tapiz : deja que Thistle reine en tu espacio con una tela tan dramática como su actitud. Impresión en lienzo : un toque de calidad de museo para tus paredes. 🧩 Rompecabezas : Porque reconstruir el caos es sorprendentemente terapéutico. Tarjeta de felicitación : comparte la magia del mal humor con tus compañeros traviesos. 📓 Cuaderno en espiral : perfecto para planificar bromas, poesía o tu próximo plan de escape. No te limites a admirar a Thistle; invítala a tu mundo. Promete traer encanto, actitud y, quizás, un poco de lluvia.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Altos y hongos

La gorra más fresca del bosque El bosque bullía con el susurro de las hojas, el canto de los grillos y la risita ocasional de algún hada traviesa. En lo profundo de la maleza musgosa, anidado entre las raíces de un roble antiguo, se encontraba un hongo único en su especie. Su sombrero estaba ladeado, sus manchas rojas ligeramente descoloridas y su piel con textura de madera conservaba la sabiduría de incontables estaciones. ¿Su nombre? Shlomo el Hongo . Y si algo sabía Shlomo mejor que cualquier otro hongo del bosque, era relajarse. —Hermano —exhaló, aunque técnicamente los hongos no respiran—. El aire está... tan cargado de vibraciones hoy, tío. Una pequeña hada brillante, llamada Zibbit, revoloteó hasta su gorra, reclinándose tranquilamente como si fuera el puf más cómodo del mundo. "Shlomo, llevas sentado en el mismo sitio como cien años". Shlomo entrecerró sus enormes ojos entrecerrados. " Exactamente. ¿Crees que la iluminación solo crece en los árboles?" Se rió entre dientes. "Bueno, en realidad sí, pero ya sabes a qué me refiero". Zibbit se giró boca arriba, estirando sus bracitos. "¿Alguna vez te cansas de simplemente... no hacer nada?" Shlomo se tambaleó un poco. "Ay, mi dulce, dulce e ingenuo colega alado. Nada lo es todo. Tienes que ser , hombre. Deja que el viento se lleve tus preocupaciones, que la tierra guarde tu pasado y que el rocío de la mañana... no sé, te humedezca o lo que sea". Zibbit se quedó mirando. «Puede que sea la cosa más tonta, pero también la más profunda, que he oído en mi vida». En ese momento, un crujido entre los arbustos los hizo detenerse. De entre las sombras emergió una ardilla con aspecto frenético, con los ojos abiertos y la cola moviéndose como si le hubiera caído un rayo. —¡CHICOS! —chilló la ardilla—. ¡LOS BÚHOS! ¡LO SABEN! Shlomo parpadeó lentamente. "¿Sabes qué, mi hiperactivo amigo come bellotas?" La ardilla corría de un lado a otro como si hubiera tomado una sobredosis de espresso. "¡No... no lo sé! ¡Pero ellos sí lo saben!" Zibbit se incorporó. "Espera... ¿de qué estamos hablando?" La ardilla se agarró la cara, hiperventilando. "¡LOS BÚHOS SABEN, TÍO! ¡SOBRE... SOBRE LA COSA! ¡EL SECRETO! ¡EL GRANDE, ENORME...!" Shlomo dejó escapar un largo y lento suspiro. "Tío. Relájate. Respira. Deja que las corrientes cósmicas, como... te desaten la colita, hermano". La ardilla se detuvo. Miró a Shlomo. Luego a Zibbit. Luego volvió a mirar a Shlomo. "Ah, sí. Bien dicho". Respiró hondo. Luego otra vez. Entonces, con repentina claridad, susurró: "Espera... ¿de qué estábamos hablando?". Shlomo sonrió. "Mi amigo. Exactamente. " La Revelación Cósmica La ardilla, sumida en una profunda confusión existencial, se dejó caer al suelo del bosque, mirando al cielo. «¡Uf!... Me siento... un poco mejor. Quizás solo necesitaba bajar el ritmo». Shlomo asintió con sabiduría, con la gorra ligeramente bamboleándose. "Esa es la cuestión, amiguito. Corres de aquí para allá, persigues bellotas, te preocupas por los búhos, y de repente, te olvidas de existir , ¿sabes?" Zibbit, todavía recostado en la gorra de Shlomo, lanzó una pequeña chispa de polvo de hadas al aire. "De verdad que te lo estás inventando todo sobre la marcha, ¿verdad?" Shlomo sonrió. « Por supuesto. Y aun así... ¿no tiene todo el sentido?» La ardilla, ahora recostada en el musgo, dejó escapar un suspiro relajado. "Maldición. Quizás le he estado dando demasiadas vueltas. Como... ¿y si los búhos no saben nada?" Los ojos de Shlomo se abrieron un poco. "¡Guau! ¿Y si... nadie sabe nada?" Un silencio cayó sobre el bosque. Zibbit se incorporó. "Espera. Un momento. Eso sí que es bastante profundo". La voz de Shlomo se convirtió en un susurro. "¿Y si... la realidad es solo... un gran sueño, tío? ¿Como si un ser enorme estuviera en plena crisis ahora mismo, y todos fuéramos parte de su alucinación?" La ardilla jadeó. «Y cuando despierte...» —¡PUM! —dijo Shlomo, moviendo sus deditos de madera para darle un toque dramático—. Se fue. Solo… esporas en el viento. Zibbit se estremeció. "Amigo, solo estaba aquí por las buenas vibras. Ahora me haces cuestionar la naturaleza de mi existencia". Shlomo exhaló de nuevo, a pesar de no tener pulmones. "Oye, no te preocupes, pequeña maravilla alada. Aunque solo seamos parte de un sueño cósmico febril, es un sueño muy bonito , ¿verdad?" La ardilla asintió lentamente. "Sí... sí, tienes razón. O sea, consigo bellotas gratis. Tengo árboles. Tengo mi colita nerviosa. La vida es buena." Zibbit se dejó caer sobre la gorra de Shlomo, agitando las alas. "¿Sabes qué? ¡Al diablo! Si la realidad es solo una alucinación, al menos la disfrutaré". Shlomo sonrió. " Ahora lo entiendes". El trío permaneció sentado en un cómodo silencio, observando el suave balanceo del bosque bajo la luz dorada. Los pájaros cantaban. Las hojas crujían. A lo lejos, un búho ululó. La ardilla se irguió de golpe. "¡Espera! ¡LOS BÚHOS LO SABEN! ¡LO OLVIDAMOS!" Shlomo rió entre dientes, con los ojos entrecerrados de nuevo. "¿De verdad?" La ardilla parpadeó. Pensó un momento. Luego exhaló lentamente. "Rayos. Buen punto." Y así, la gran conspiración del búho quedó olvidada para siempre. Probablemente. Llévate las vibraciones relajantes a casa ¿Te encanta la sabiduría relajada de Shlomo? ¡Ahora puedes llevar su energía apacible a tu espacio con la exclusiva mercancía de "High & Fungi" ! Ya sea que estés decorando tu casa, resolviendo un rompecabezas o llevando tus cosas esenciales con estilo, tenemos algo para todos los amantes de los hongos. 🌿 Tapiz : perfecto para transformar tu espacio en una zona de relax. Impresión en lienzo : deja que la sabiduría de Shlomo cuelgue en tus paredes. 🧩 Rompecabezas : una forma alucinante de relajarse, una pieza a la vez. 👜 Tote Bag : lleva tus objetos esenciales con una frescura inigualable. Consigue el tuyo hoy y adopta la máxima filosofía de los hongos : siéntate, vibra y deja que el mundo fluya. 🍄✨

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

El jardín del Gruñón

La maldición del estado de ánimo eterno En el corazón del Bosque Encantado, enclavado entre el río Gigglebrook y la pradera Whimsydale, se encontraba el lugar más peculiar: el Jardín del Gruñón . Una tierra de pétalos brillantes, gotas de rocío centelleantes y nubes esponjosas de color pastel que flotaban perezosamente en el cielo. Era, sin duda, un paraíso. Y, sin embargo, su autoproclamado gobernante era la criatura más gruñona que jamás haya existido. ¿Su nombre? Lady Fluffington Von Sassypaws III. ¿Su título? La Emperatriz Suprema del Perpetuo Descontento. ¿Su estado de ánimo? Permanentemente indiferente. Cuenta la leyenda que Lady Fluffington fue una felina común y corriente, aunque increíblemente dramática. Pero un fatídico día, una traviesa hada llamada Glimmerdew tropezó con su cola. En un ataque de furia melodramática, Fluffington desató una rabieta tan magnífica que la envió en espiral hacia un arbusto de tulipanes sensibles. Enfurecida (y cubierta de polen), el hada maldijo a Fluffington. ¡ Que tu pelaje sea siempre fabuloso! ¡Que tu cuerno brille más que las estrellas! ¡Y que, sobre todo, estés condenado a una vida de… insoportable descaro! Se oyó un trueno dramático (a pesar de ser un día perfectamente despejado), y Fluffington se transformó en lo que siempre estuvo destinada a ser: una Gruñona . Una felina diminuta y esponjosa, de crin rosa y cuernos de unicornio, con una mirada permanente de puro juicio. Un ser de belleza, pero también de un temperamento implacable . Un reinado de mal humor Ahora, en lugar de pasar sus días haciendo las cosas típicas de los gatos, como tirar tazas de las mesas o planear la dominación mundial, Fluffington gobernaba su jardín con garra de hierro. Tenía un estricto conjunto de reglas, todas escritas con tinta brillante en un pergamino encantado: Regla n.° 1: Nada de alegría excesiva. Sonreír es aceptable con moderación, pero ¿reírse tontamente? Castigado con una mirada penetrante e inmediata. Regla n.° 2: Bajo ninguna circunstancia la llames "adorable". ¿El castigo? Un simple y dramático movimiento de cabello seguido de un suspiro exasperado. Regla #3: Al ingresar al jardín se requiere ofrecer atún fino y crema importada. Regla n.° 4: Si hay que felicitarla, se prefieren las palabras “majestuosa”, “gloriosa” o “regia”. A pesar de estas reglas, las criaturas del bosque no podían evitar adorar a Lady Fluffington. Los conejos encantados ahuecaban la cola con admiración. Los búhos susurraban sobre su legendario descaro. Incluso las hadas, a pesar de su rencor, se asomaban con frecuencia al jardín solo para disfrutar de su innegable estética . La llegada de los problemas Una tarde tranquila, mientras Fluffington descansaba sobre un lujoso cojín de terciopelo (porque el césped era demasiado común para sus delicadas patas), una sombra se cernió sobre su reino. —¡ESCUCHA, BESTIA MORTAL! —bramó una voz—. ¡YO, EL PRÍNCIPE GOMINOLA DE LAS HADAS DE LA RISA, EXIJO PÚBLICO! Fluffington, sin siquiera abrir los ojos, exhaló el suspiro más exasperado de la historia. Hadas. Otra vez. El príncipe, ataviado con relucientes medias doradas y una capa hecha de polvo de estrellas, descendió revoloteando en un torbellino de dramatismo innecesario. "¡Llevas mucho tiempo desafiando el Código Sagrado de la Caprichosa! ¡Tu reino de perpetua insolencia amenaza el equilibrio del Bosque Encantado! ¡Por decreto del Gran Consejo de la Alegría Incesante, exijo que te relajes!" Fluffington finalmente abrió un ojo, su mirada destilaba desdén. "Me alegraré cuando el sol deje de ser un triunfador, Greg ". "Es el PRÍNCIPE GUMDROPLEON." —Mmm. Claro, Greg. El príncipe resopló, haciendo girar su varita con impaciencia. «No me dejas otra opción, Lady Fluffington. Si no renuncias a tu mal humor voluntariamente, ¡te obligaremos a experimentar la alegría!» Ante esto, la cola de Fluffington se movió ligeramente. "¿Disculpe?" “Por el poder que me ha sido conferido, te desafío al más sagrado de los duelos de hadas : ¡La Prueba del Deleite Máximo! ” El bosque encantado quedó en silencio. Un solo pétalo se elevó dramáticamente por el aire. En algún lugar, una mariposa jadeó. Lady Fluffington entrecerró los ojos. "¿Te atreves a desafiarme?" El príncipe Gumdropleon asintió. «Si pierdes, debes abrazar la fantasía, la risa y todo lo alegre . Si ganas, bueno... no ganarás». Fluffington se puso de pie, su cuerno brillando con un resplandor desafiante. "Oh, dulce niña de verano", ronroneó, "prepárate para que te den una paliza". La prueba del deleite supremo El aire crepitaba de anticipación mientras las criaturas del bosque, las hadas y una ardilla particularmente curiosa se reunían para presenciar el enfrentamiento más absurdo de la historia encantada. Lady Fluffington Von Sassypaws III estaba de pie a un lado, agitando la cola con extrema irritación. Al otro lado, el Príncipe Gumdropleon, con sus alas brillando con una confianza inmerecida. Un pergamino flotante y sensible flotaba entre ellos, desenrollándose con un floreo. ¡ MIRAD! —tronó—. Las reglas sagradas de la Prueba del Deleite Supremo son las siguientes: El retador, el Príncipe Gumdropleon, presentará una serie de desafíos extravagantes diseñados para romper el mal humor del acusado. La acusada, Lady Fluffington, deberá soportar cada prueba sin sucumbir a la alegría. Fluffington bostezó. «Fabuloso. Acabemos con esta tontería de una vez». Primera prueba: La danza de la alegría ineludible Con un chasquido de dedos, Gumdropleon convocó a un batallón de hongos encantados que bailaban claqué. Se movían, giraban y chasqueaban sus patitas en una actuación sincronizada tan agresivamente encantadora que los pájaros empezaron a cantar en armonía en los árboles. Las hadas se mecían. Las criaturas del bosque aplaudían. Incluso los árboles parecían balancearse. ¿Lady Fluffington? Parpadeó una vez. Lentamente. “¿Ni siquiera un golpecito con el pie ?” jadeó Gumdropleon. Los ojos de Fluffington permanecieron vacíos de diversión. "Tus hongos son básicos, Greg". Los hongos, insultados, se alejaron haciendo piruetas derrotadas. Segunda prueba: El desafío de la risa Sin inmutarse, el príncipe convocó a un equipo de risueños expertos: conejitos peludos, cabritos en pijama y un erizo particularmente regordete con un sombrerito de copa diminuto. Resoplaban, jadeaban y se revolcaban unos sobre otros en una exhibición de ternura armada. Las hadas se desplomaron de puro deleite. Fluffington observó, su expresión más fría que una escultura de hielo de decepción. —Preciosa —murmuró finalmente—. Pero he presenciado un caos aún mayor en un bufé de brunch. El erizo se desmayó dramáticamente. Tercera prueba: Las chispas sagradas de la perdición El príncipe Gominola sudaba. "Bien", dijo. "No me dejas otra opción. Debo usar el arma definitiva". Levantó su varita y del cielo llovieron… chispitas. Rosa. Azul. Brillante. Girando en el aire como una ventisca caprichosa de fatalidad empalagosa. Fluffington jadeó. No de alegría, sino de furia pura y absoluta . "¿CÓMO TE ATREVES?", gritó, sacudiéndose el confeti maldito. "¿SABES LO DIFÍCIL QUE ES SACAR CHISPAS DE LA PIEL? ¡ESTO ES UN CRIMEN DE GUERRA!" Gumdropleon sonrió con suficiencia. "¡Ajá! ¡Reaccionaste! Eso cuenta como un..." Antes de que pudiera terminar, el cuerno de Fluffington pulsó con una luz cegadora. El suelo tembló. Las flores se encogieron de miedo. El príncipe apenas tuvo tiempo de gritar cuando una poderosa OLA DE GRUÑÓN explotó del pequeño gato unicornio. Las chispas se desintegraron en el aire. Los conejitos risueños se pusieron solemnes. En algún lugar, a lo lejos, un arcoíris se enroscó sobre sí mismo y lloró. Victoria y consecuencias Cuando el polvo se asentó, el Príncipe Gumdropleon yacía boca abajo en una pila de pavor existencial. —Entonces —dijo Fluffington, lamiéndose delicadamente la pata—, ¿quién, exactamente, se suponía que ganaría de nuevo? El pergamino sensible se estremeció. «La acusada ha resistido con éxito todas las formas de deleite. Es, sin duda, la Emperatriz Suprema del Perpetuo Descontento». El bosque estalló en vítores, no de alegría, sino de profundo e inquebrantable respeto . Incluso las hadas rencorosas tuvieron que admitirlo. Lady Fluffington Von Sassypaws III era simplemente demasiado poderosa. Las secuelas El Príncipe Gominola, ahora emocionalmente herido sin remedio, se levantó con un suspiro dramático. "Bien", murmuró. "Tú ganas. Quédate con tu mal humor. Pero recuerda esto..." Señaló a Fluffington con un dedo brillante. «REGRESARÉ». —Mmm —dijo ella, alejándose—. Avísame qué tal te va, Greg. Y con eso, Grumpicorn se estiró lujosamente, se subió a su cojín de terciopelo y volvió a lo que mejor hacía: sentirse gloriosamente y sin complejos indiferente . Su jardín permaneció como siempre: encantado, hermoso y gobernado por la criatura más magnífica, temperamental e invicta del mundo. Trae al Gruñón a casa ¿Sientes una profunda conexión espiritual con el descaro inigualable de Lady Fluffington? ¿Tú también deseas disfrutar de su majestuosidad impasible? ¡Buenas noticias! ¡Ya puedes dar la bienvenida al Grumpicornio a tu reino! Desde majestuosos lienzos hasta cojines decorativos que te levantan el ánimo (o que combinan con él), puedes llevar su icónica presencia a tu hogar. Ya sea que necesites un tapiz para transformar tu espacio, una lámina de madera para añadir elegancia atemporal o incluso un rompecabezas para reflexionar sobre su grandeza pieza por pieza, hay un Grumpicornio para cada ocasión. Recuerda: Un hogar sin Grumpicornio es solo una casa. Haz que el tuyo sea verdaderamente encantador.

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Un trío de travesuras primaverales

El gran robo de Bloom La primavera había llegado al Bosque Encantado, y con ella el Festival anual de los Cerezos en Flor, una época en la que el aire olía a pétalos de miel, e incluso los troles más gruñones sonreían (aunque a regañadientes). El festival era un evento sagrado, marcado por una gran ceremonia en la que se arrancaba la primera flor de la temporada y se convertía en el legendario Néctar del Deleite Eterno , una poción tan potente que un solo sorbo podía hacer reír a una banshee. En el corazón de este festival se encontraban tres gnomos muy particulares: Pip, Poppy y Gus . Eran conocidos en todo el Bosque no por su sabiduría ni su generosidad, sino por su talento inigualable para sembrar el caos. Donde había problemas, había una huella con forma de gnomo que conducía a ellos. "Este año seremos legendarios ", declaró Pip, ajustándose su enorme sombrero rosa adornado con margaritas bordadas. "¡Vamos a robar la Primera Flor!" Poppy, la mente maestra del grupo, se retorció la barba blanca pensativa. «Los Guardianes de las Flores vigilarán el árbol toda la noche. Necesitaremos un plan perfecto». Gus, que se estaba atiborrando de pasteles de bellota con miel, levantó un dedo pegajoso. "¿Y si... los sobornamos?" Pip suspiró. «Gus, no tenemos suficientes pasteles para sobornar a todo un gremio de Guardianes». Poppy sonrió. "¿Pero qué tal si les hacemos creer que los necesitan en otro lugar?" Eso fue todo lo que hizo falta. Con un brillo en los ojos, los gnomos pusieron en marcha su plan. El plan (que definitivamente no era infalible) A medianoche, el cerezo se erguía alto y resplandeciente, con sus pétalos brillando tenuemente bajo la luz de la luna. Los Guardianes de las Flores, ataviados con sus túnicas ceremoniales (que, sinceramente, parecían sospechosamente pijamas demasiado grandes), permanecían firmes. Ninguna ardilla, hada o gnomo los atravesaría. O eso creían. Fase uno: Distracción. Gus, con una capa absurdamente grande que lo hacía parecer un montón de tela con vida, se acercó contoneándose a los Guardianes. "¡Tengo noticias urgentes!", exclamó con tono dramático. El Guardián mayor miró hacia abajo. "¿Qué noticias hay, pequeño?" ¡Las Polillas Lunares se están rebelando! Exigen mejores condiciones laborales y han amenazado con... ¡ boicotear el cielo nocturno ! Los Guardianes parpadearon. "Eso... no suena real". —Oh, es MUY real —continuó Gus, con toda la falsa sinceridad que pudo reunir—. Imagínatelo: sin alas brillantes, sin elegantes danzas a la luz de la luna. Solo un cielo vacío , como un triste y olvidado plato de sopa. Los Guardianes intercambiaron miradas nerviosas. No podían arriesgarse a una huelga de trabajadores celestiales. Con un rápido asentimiento, se apresuraron a investigar, dejando la sagrada Primera Flor desprotegida. Fase dos: El atraco Con los Guardianes fuera, Pip y Poppy entraron en acción. Pip se subió a los hombros de Poppy, tambaleándose peligrosamente mientras alcanzaba la flor. "Casi... la consigo..." Justo cuando sus dedos rozaron los delicados pétalos, una ráfaga de viento lo hizo caer de los hombros de Poppy y directo al árbol, donde se aferró como una ardilla enorme y en pánico. Poppy, intentando ayudar, agarró un palo y lo empujó. "Suéltalo, Pip. Te atraparé". —Esa es una mentira increíble , Poppy. —Me parece bien. Solo... Antes de que pudiera terminar, Pip se soltó. Con un grito dramático, se desplomó, rebotó en una rama más baja y aterrizó con un suave puf en el gorro esponjoso de Gus. Se quedaron sentados en un silencio atónito por un momento. Entonces Poppy sonrió y levantó la Primera Flor, que había caído limpiamente en sus manos. "¿Podrías mirarla?" ¡Victoria! Pero justo cuando estaban a punto de celebrar, una sombra apareció sobre ellos. Era el jefe de guardias. Y no parecía contento. —Vaya, vaya, vaya —dijo el Guardián con los brazos cruzados—. Pero si son los Bandidos de la Flor. Pip tragó saliva con dificultad. "Preferimos 'Entusiastas Florales Traviesos'". El Guardián entrecerró los ojos. "¿Tienes idea del castigo que les espera a ladrones como tú?" Silencio. Entonces Gus, siempre oportunista, se aclaró la garganta. "¿Aceptarías un soborno?" El Guardián levantó una ceja. "Continúa." Gus sacó un pastel de bellota ligeramente aplastado de su bolsillo y lo extendió con una sonrisa esperanzada. Y ahí fue cuando empezaron los verdaderos problemas. El problema con los sobornos El Guardián Mayor observó el pastel de bellota aplastado en la mano extendida de Gus. El trío de gnomos contuvo la respiración. Por un instante, pareció que el Guardián aceptaría el soborno. Sus dedos se crisparon. Sus fosas nasales se dilataron ligeramente, percibiendo el aroma de nueces con miel. Pero entonces, con un suspiro, se cruzó de brazos. “Soy alérgico a las bellotas”, dijo rotundamente. Gus jadeó horrorizado. "¡Pero son un superalimento!" —Para ti, quizás —dijo el Guardián—. Para mí, son una sentencia de muerte. Ahora... —Le arrebató la Primera Flor de las manos a Poppy—. Ustedes tres están en serios problemas. El juicio de los gnomos Al amanecer, Pip, Poppy y Gus se encontraron ante el Gran Consejo de la Arboleda Encantada: un grupo de ancianos con aspecto de sabios, pero también, convenientemente, bastante soñolientos. Al parecer, celebrar un juicio al amanecer no era una idea muy popular. —Gnomos Pip, Poppy y Gus —dijo con voz monótona el miembro más anciano del Consejo, un elfo arrugado llamado el Anciano Thimblewick—. Se les acusa de hurto floral a gran escala, engaño al Guardián y... —miró de reojo el pergamino que tenía en las manos—, «trepar árboles sin permiso». ¿Cómo se declaran? Pip miró a sus amigos y luego hinchó el pecho. "Inocente, por un tecnicismo ". Thimblewick frunció el ceño. "¿Qué tecnicismo?" La Primera Flor cayó en manos de Poppy. La gravedad fue la que realmente la robó. El Consejo murmuró entre sí. Era, sin duda, un punto sólido. El Guardián Principal, aún furioso, dio un paso al frente. "¡Exijo justicia! ¡Planearon este crimen! ¡Engañaron a los Guardianes y pusieron en peligro la flor sagrada!" Gus se aclaró la garganta. "Para ser justos, abandonaste tu puesto por una huelga de polillas inventada. Es tu culpa". “ ¡Silencio! ” espetó el guardián. El Consejo intercambió miradas. Finalmente, el élder Thimblewick suspiró. «Esto es un desastre. Pero se cometió un delito. Se requiere un castigo». El castigo inusual Los gnomos se prepararon. ¿Destierro? ¿Trabajos forzados? ¿Estaban a punto de ser condenados a una vida de pastoreo de ardillas sin paga? Thimblewick se aclaró la garganta. «Por tus crímenes contra el Bosque Encantado, tu castigo es este: debes asistir personalmente a los preparativos del Festival de los Cerezos en Flor». Los gnomos se quedaron mirando. "¿Eso es todo?", preguntó Pip. "¿Quieres que... qué...? ¿Colguemos pancartas y esparzamos pétalos de flores?" "Entre otras cosas", dijo Thimblewick, "también supervisarán el proceso de elaboración del néctar y serán los recepcionistas oficiales de cada invitado". Poppy gimió. "Uf. Eso significa sonreír, ¿no?" Thimblewick asintió. «Ah, sí. Y con túnicas de gnomo festivas a juego». Ante esto, Gus dejó escapar un grito ahogado de horror. "¿Te refieres a ... uniformes? " —Exacto —dijo el anciano con una sonrisa burlona—. Rosadas. Con volantes. Los gnomos se estremecieron. El peor día de sus vidas Así comenzó el peor —y más humillante— día en las traviesas vidas de Pip, Poppy y Gus. Primero, los obligaron a ponerse las túnicas rosa pastel más adornadas y cubiertas de encaje que se puedan imaginar. Gus casi se desmaya. Poppy maldijo en voz baja. Pip, siempre optimista, intentó convencerse de que llevaban "prendas intimidatorias". No era así. Luego vinieron los interminables preparativos del festival. Pasaron la mañana llenando jarras de néctar, lo cual fue bastante aburrido, hasta que Gus cayó accidentalmente en una tinaja del líquido sagrado y tuvieron que sacarlo con una escoba. Al mediodía, les encargaron repartir guirnaldas de flores a los visitantes. Esta parte debería haber sido fácil, pero Pip se dejó llevar y lo convirtió en una competencia, lanzando guirnaldas agresivamente a los desprevenidos visitantes. —¡Te regalamos una corona! ¡Te regalamos una corona! —gritó Pip, lanzándole un anillo de margaritas en la cara a un centauro confundido. Al anochecer, estaban completamente exhaustos. Se desplomaron contra un cerezo; sus túnicas, antes vibrantes, ahora estaban cubiertas de pétalos de flores, néctar derramado y la dignidad de Gus. —No puedo creer que nos atraparan —gimió Poppy—. Teníamos un plan tan sólido. Pip suspiró. «Quizás deberíamos retirarnos del crimen». Se sentaron en silencio durante un largo momento. Entonces Gus resopló. "No." Se echaron a reír. Después de todo, llevaban la travesura en la sangre. Mientras el festival continuaba a su alrededor, los tres gnomos hicieron un pacto silencioso: el año que viene, no solo robarían la Primera Flor. Robarían el árbol entero . Pero, ¿por ahora? Sufrirían con las túnicas con volantes, repartirían guirnaldas y esperarían el momento oportuno. El camino del gnomo. Lleva la magia a casa ¿Te encanta el encanto travieso de Pip, Poppy y Gus? ¡Ahora puedes traer su mundo mágico a tu hogar! Ya sea que quieras relajarte con un tapiz impresionante, añadir un toque de encanto con un lienzo o desafiarte con un rompecabezas divertido, hay una manera perfecta de mantener vivas las travesuras de los gnomos. ¿Buscas un regalo encantador? ¡Envía un mensaje mágico con una hermosa tarjeta de felicitación con este trío juguetón! ¡Déjate llevar por la fantasía y compra la colección hoy mismo!

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

El gatito unicornio más gruñón

La misión más desafortunada del gatito unicornio más gruñón Érase una vez, en una época muy irritable , en un reino donde las flores eran demasiado vivaces, las hadas demasiado parlanchinas y el aire olía agresivamente a violetas azucaradas, vivía la gatita unicornio más gruñona que jamás haya pisado la tierra. ¿Su nombre? Lilith von Fluffenstein. Pero ella prefería "Lilith la Condenada" porque, en sus palabras, "la vida es sufrimiento, y también lo es mi paciencia". Su pelaje blanco estaba impecable, su cola rosada se balanceaba con una autoridad impasible, y sus ojos violetas podían desgarrar el alma de cualquiera que se atreviera a preguntar: "¿Quién es este pequeño y lindo peluche?" (¿La última criatura que lo intentó? Un duende llamado Jingles. Ahora se comunica exclusivamente con chillidos de terror). Y, sin embargo, a pesar de su magnífico desprecio por casi todo, Lilith tenía un destino . Una misión profetizada. Un llamado divino que no pidió en absoluto. La peor mañana de la historia Todo comenzó una mañana particularmente exasperante , cuando Lilith se despertó y encontró un pergamino encajado entre sus diminutas y majestuosas patas. Un pergamino envuelto en una cinta dorada y salpicado de —dioses míos— purpurina. —No. —Lo arrojó de la almohada. Por desgracia, el pergamino tenía otros planes. Se quedó flotando en el aire y *bupeó* con su naricita gruñona antes de desenrollarse: "Querida Lilith von Fluffenstein, ¡El reino de WhimsyWaddle ha caído en el caos! ¡Las Chispas Sagradas han sido robadas de las Cavernas de los Cupcakes! Sin ellas, el Gran Mago de los Muffins no puede realizar el Ritual Anual de Endulzamiento, ¡y pronto todos los pasteles quedarán insípidos! Insípidos, Lilith. Eres nuestra última esperanza. Recupera las Chispas. Salva el reino. Bla, bla, bla. Ya te haces una idea. PD: Este mensaje se autodestruirá en tres… dos… "Oh, por—" ¡PUM! El pergamino estalló en una nube de humo con aroma a vainilla, dejando a Lilith cubierta de destellos. Sólo había una cosa que hacer. "Voy a prender fuego a algo", murmuró mientras se quitaba el brillo ofensivo. Entra: Una polilla con demasiado entusiasmo Mientras Lilith planeaba su ruta más eficiente hacia la venganza (o al menos una forma de culpar a alguien más por esta tontería), su ser menos favorito en toda la tierra revoloteó hacia su habitación. "¡LILITH! ¡GUAU, MÍRATE! ¡ESTÁS TAN BRILLANTE AHORA MISMO!" Era Mothsworth, una polilla sensible y demasiado entusiasta, con la capacidad de atención de una ardilla particularmente cafeinada. —No. —Lilith se dio la vuelta. —No, ¿qué? —Mothsworth sonrió radiante, agitando sus diminutas alas de emoción. "No a todo lo que vas a decir." —¡PERO LILITH! —La rodeó rápidamente, dejando rastros de oro en el aire con sus alas polvorientas—. ¡HAS SIDO ELEGIDA PARA UNA MISIÓN! ¡UNA AVENTURA! ¡UNA HEROICA...! "¿Sabes para qué me eligieron, Mothsworth?" Lilith entrecerró sus brillantes ojos violetas. "Una siesta. Una siesta tranquila y sin interrupciones. Pero ahora, gracias a una tontería celestial, estoy cubierta de purpurina y me veo obligada a entrar en una absurda crisis de pastelería." ¡OH, OH, OH! —Mothsworth dio una voltereta en el aire—. ¡ESTO ES PERFECTO PORQUE JUSTO ESTABA PENSANDO QUE ESTE REINO NECESITABA MÁS BRILLO...! —Te voy a comer —dijo Lilith rotundamente. Mothsworth rió entre dientes. "¡Eres tan gracioso!" Lilith suspiró y empezó a caminar hacia la salida del castillo. "De acuerdo. Si tengo que hacer esto, lo haré a mi manera. Eso significa nada de cantar , ni aplaudir, y absolutamente nada de desarrollo de personajes conmovedores." "¡OOOH, ERES TAN VANGUARDISTA!" Ella movió la cola. "Edgy hace las cosas bien, Mothsworth. Ahora, vamos a robar algunas chispas antes de que mi paciencia se desmorone como una galleta vieja." Y con eso, el gatito unicornio más gruñón se alejó pisando fuerte hacia lo desconocido, un héroe reacio en un viaje muy desafortunado . Un desvío totalmente evitable Lilith caminaba con dificultad por el Matorral Centelleante con todo el entusiasmo de un gato al que obligan a ponerse un suéter navideño. Mothsworth, como era de esperar, estaba siendo absolutamente el peor . ¡LILITH, ESTO ES INCREÍBLE! ¡LAS ESTRELLAS SON TAN BRILLANTES! ¡EL AIRE ES TAN FRESCO! ​​¡LA MAGIA ES TAN...! "¿ Alguna vez te callas?", se quejó Lilith, apartando una flor brillante de su camino. ¡No! ¡Ni una sola vez! ¿Crees que eso es un problema? Me dijeron que era un problema, pero creo que... —Mothsworth. —Lilith se detuvo y se volvió hacia él, con sus ojos violetas oscureciéndose—. Estás a una sola sentencia de ser personalmente responsable del primer caso registrado de homicidio por polilla. Parpadeó. "¿ACABAS DE AMENAZAR CON MATARME?" —¿Qué? No. Solo reaparecerías en algún lugar molesto. —Suspiró—. Ahora, ¿podemos concentrarnos, por favor? Tenemos que llegar a las Cavernas de las Magdalenas, recuperar las Chispas Sagradas y salir antes de que pierda la poca fe que me queda en el universo. ¡LO ENTIENDO! ¡NO MÁS DISTRACCIONES! Treinta y siete segundos después, estaban completamente distraídos. —Mothsworth —gruñó Lilith mientras colgaba boca abajo de una enredadera sospechosamente sensible— , ¿quieres explicarme por qué, en lugar de seguir el Camino Muy Claramente Etiquetado, ahora mismo estamos siendo estrangulados por una planta? "¡PORQUE MIRA ESTE ADORABLE LETRERO!" Mothsworth agitó sus alitas, señalando un poste de madera. El letrero, escrito en letras doradas y curvas, decía: ¡NO ES UNA TRAMPA! ¡PASTELITOS GRATIS POR AQUÍ! “ Literalmente dice 'no es una trampa en absoluto'”, dijo Lilith con seriedad. "LO QUE SIGNIFICA QUE PROBABLEMENTE NO ERA UNA TRAMPA HASTA QUE LLEGAMOS AQUÍ, ¿VERDAD?" "Te odio ." El argumento que les salvó la vida —Disculpen —una voz grave interrumpió su discusión—. ¿Les importaría gritar un poco menos? Estoy intentando disfrutar de mi té de la tarde. Lilith se retorció en el agarre de la enredadera para poder ver mejor a su captor. Era una planta carnívora gigante. Con monóculo. La planta suspiró y bebió un sorbo delicado de una diminuta taza de porcelana. «Sabes, antes, los viajeros tenían la decencia de temblar ante mí. Pero no. Ahora todo es sarcasmo y actitud». —Mira, amigo —dijo Lilith, meneando la cola—, eres una planta parlante con presupuesto para accesorios. Lo respeto. ¿Pero de verdad quieres comernos ? La planta dudó. "Bueno... me gustan las dramáticas ". Seamos sinceros. Me sabría a miedo existencial y a agresión injustificada. Mothsworth intervino: "¡Y tendría sabor a azúcar y purpurina!" La planta lo pensó. «Mmm... La brillantina es terrible para la digestión». —Exactamente —dijo Lilith—. Vámonos, y te prometo que les diremos a todos que sigues siendo muy aterrador. La planta resopló. «De acuerdo. Pero la próxima vez, al menos finge tener miedo». Con un movimiento de su frondoso apéndice, la enredadera los liberó. Lilith aterrizó a cuatro patas con un elegante *plop*. Mothsworth se cayó de cara. "Eres el peor héroe", murmuró la planta mientras se deslizaba de nuevo hacia el suelo. Las Cavernas de las Magdalenas Cuando llegaron a las Cavernas de los Cupcakes, Lilith estaba sin paciencia, sin energía y peligrosamente cerca de cometer su primer (y probablemente no último) acto de incendio relacionado con los pasteles. La caverna en sí era magnífica. Paredes de caramelo dorado, candelabros de azúcar hilado y un suelo que olía sospechosamente a crema de mantequilla. Pero en el centro de todo, sobre un pedestal de cono de waffle, se encontraba un pequeño frasco brillante. Las Sagradas Aspersiones. ¿Y protegerlos? Una criatura tan ridícula que incluso Lilith tuvo que tomarse un momento para procesarlo. Un dragón. Un dragón hecho completamente de… pelusa de malvavisco. —¡Ay, por el amor de...! —Lilith se pellizcó el puente de su naricita rosada—. Estoy tan cansada. El dragón bostezó, estirando sus alas viscosas. "¿QUIÉN SE ATREVE A MOLESTAR? Oh, es solo un gato". —Disculpe —la cola de Lilith se erizó—. Soy una gatita unicornio . Hay una diferencia. —Claro. —El dragón se encogió de hombros, enviando una onda a través de su cuerpo de malvavisco—. Y yo soy el Gran Protector de Todo lo Dulce. —¿Y tú? —Lilith entrecerró los ojos—. Porque pareces algo que podría untar en una tostada. El dragón resopló. "GROSERO". —Sí, sí. Escucha, esto va a ser así. —Lilith estiró las patas—. Déjame llevar las chispas, y no te asaré en una hoguera. El dragón resopló. «Soy inmune al fuego». Lilith sonrió con suficiencia. "No es fuego mágico ". Movió la cola y una chispa de magia de unicornio, muy pequeña pero muy decidida, se encendió en la punta de su cuerno. El dragón tragó saliva. —Bien —gruñó, haciéndose a un lado—. Pero espero que tu reino disfrute de su diabetes. Lilith agarró las chispas, las metió en su bolso y giró sobre sus talones. "Vamos, Mothsworth. Salgamos de aquí antes de que me dé un verdadero trastorno de personalidad". Y con eso, el gatito unicornio más gruñón del mundo salvó el reino. Por accidente. Y bajo protesta. EL FIN. Trae el descaro de Lilith a tu mundo ¿Necesitas más magia gruñona en tu vida? ¡Ahora puedes tener un pedacito de la gloria despreocupada de Lilith von Fluffenstein! Ya sea que quieras decorar tu espacio, llevar su estilo contigo o enviarle un toque sarcástico a un amigo, lo tenemos cubierto. ✨ Tapices – Cubre tus paredes con furia esponjosa. Impresiones en lienzo : enmarca su desaprobación para que todos la vean. 👜 Tote Bags – Lleva tus cosas con máxima actitud. Tarjetas de felicitación : envía un poco de mal humor con amor. Porque, seamos sinceros, la vida es mejor con un poco de descaro y mucha dulzura. ¡Consigue el tuyo hoy y deja que Lilith juzgue tus decisiones desde la comodidad de tu casa! 😾✨

Cuentos capturados – por Bill Tiepelman

Magia antigua y cerveza rancia

La pinta sin retorno Gorbwick, el Hada Gruñona, estaba teniendo un día ... Un día largo, doloroso y desolado. De esos que le hacían preguntarse por qué se molestaba en levantarse de su cama cubierta de musgo. Sus alas, antes doradas y translúcidas como el rocío de la mañana, ahora parecían haber sido usadas para limpiar una pelea de bar particularmente desagradable. Su túnica, que probablemente había sido verde en algún pasado lejano, era ahora un mosaico de manchas de cerveza, barro y alguna que otra sustancia misteriosa que no le importaba investigar. ¿Y lo peor de todo? Su cerveza estaba demasiado espumosa . —¡Joder! —gruñó, viendo cómo otra gota de espuma se desbordaba por el borde de su taza de madera y le caía sobre el pie descalzo—. ¿Es mucho pedir que me la sirvan bien? Por eso bebo en casa. La camarera, una dríade esbelta con una actitud tan espinosa como sus brazos envueltos en hiedra, puso los ojos en blanco. «No tienes casa, Gorbwick. Tienes un tocón que huele a arrepentimiento». Un tocón de árbol es un hogar si crees con suficiente fuerza. Dio un largo y lento sorbo de cerveza, mirando al mundo como si le hubiera hecho daño personalmente. Lo cual, para ser justos, era cierto. Érase una vez un embaucador, una leyenda, un pequeño travieso cuyo nombre se susurraba en las tabernas con una mezcla de asombro e irritación. ¿Y ahora? Ahora solo era el cabrón cascarrabias que nunca daba propina. Y eso, queridos dioses, era inaceptable. —¿Sabes qué? —dijo de repente, dejando la taza de golpe sobre la encimera—. Ya me harté de esto. Me harté de la autocompasión, de estar sentado, de beber sin parar... “Literalmente comenzaste el día con una cerveza de desayuno”, señaló la dríada. —¡Ya está! —continuó Gorbwick, ignorándola—. Es hora de volver. "Oh, no." —Oh, sí. —Se levantó dramáticamente. Al menos lo intentó. Se le había dormido la pierna izquierda, y en lugar de levantarse como un guerrero victorioso, se tambaleaba como una cabra borracha. La dríade suspiró. «Vas a hacer el ridículo». “Así comienzan todas las mejores historias”. Y con eso, Gorbwick el Hada Gruñona, leyenda acabada, se embarcó en una gran nueva aventura, cuyo primer paso fue, por supuesto, tropezar con una raíz y aterrizar de cara en la tierra. El regreso comenzó de forma fantástica. Un hada, un tonto y un puñado de malas decisiones Gorbwick se despegó la cara del suelo con la gracia de un caracol al ser desalojado de su caparazón. Escupió un bocado de musgo, masculló una maldición que hizo que una ardilla cercana se tapara los oídos y se puso de pie tambaleándose. La remontada seguía en pie. "¿Adónde carajo vas?" le gritó el camarero dríade. —¡Aventura , mi querido Twigs, aventura! —gritó por encima del hombro. Su verdadero nombre era Lissandra, pero Gorbwick la había estado llamando Twigs durante años, principalmente porque le molestaba muchísimo. “¡Bueno, al menos déjame comprarte unos pantalones primero!”, gritó. Gorbwick bajó la mirada. Ah. Eso explicaba la corriente de aire. "¡No hay tiempo! ¡El viento me acunará las entrañas como un dulce amante!" "Te van a arrestar." “¡Solo si me atrapan!” Dicho esto, se adentró a trompicones en el bosque, descalzo, sin pantalones, impulsado a partes iguales por la determinación y el licor cuestionable que aún le revolvía las entrañas. ¿Su objetivo? No tenía ni idea. ¿Su estrategia? Ninguna. ¿Su plan? Un completo disparate. Y ahí fue cuando entró directamente en la Mafia Goblin. Una introducción inoportuna Ahora bien, los duendes son muchas cosas: astutos, feos, un poco demasiado entusiastas para apuñalar, pero también eran hombres de negocios . Y los negocios, esa noche en particular, se estaban desarrollando en un claro justo después del orinal favorito de Gorbwick. Desafortunadamente, Gorbwick no lo sabía. Porque, a pesar de su herencia mágica, no era lo que se llamaría "observador". —Vaya, vaya, vaya —dijo una voz ronca desde las sombras—. ¡Miren lo que tenemos! Gorbwick parpadeó. Cinco goblins estaban ante él, vestidos con chalecos harapientos, guantes sin dedos y esos pantalones que gritaban: «Vivo en un agujero, pero quiero parecer profesional». A sus pies había cajas de madera con una etiqueta que decía «NO TOCAR O SERÁS APUÑALADO» , una advertencia muy específica. El duende líder dio un paso al frente. Tenía cara de carlino que había perdido una pelea a puñetazos y una mueca de desprecio constante que sugería que no le gustaba especialmente su propia existencia. "¿Perdiste, hada?" Gorbwick se sacudió el polvo, intentando mantenerse erguido a pesar de que era evidente que estaba medio vestido y cubierto de tierra. «¡Señores, no estoy perdido! Solo estoy... eh... evaluando el perímetro». Los duendes se miraron entre sí. "¿Qué?" Ya sabes. Escultismo. “¿Para quién?” “…Yo del futuro.” El duende de cara chata, a quien Gorbwick ahora llamaba mentalmente Estrabismo, entrecerró sus ojitos pequeños y brillantes. "¿Eres policía?" Gorbwick resopló. "¿Tengo cara de policía?" Otro duende, este con un diente tan largo que se curvaba sobre su labio inferior, se inclinó. "Más o menos, sí". —Váyanse a la mierda. —Gorbwick suspiró y se cruzó de brazos—. Miren, no sé qué están contrabandeando, pequeños cabrones, pero no estoy aquí para meterme en sus asuntos. Estoy en una aventura . —Una aventura —dijo Squintsy con expresión seria. "Sí." "¿Y por casualidad entraste en nuestro acuerdo altamente ilegal y muy secreto?" "Sí." “¿Sin pantalones?” "…Sí." Los goblins reflexionaron sobre esto. Finalmente, Squintsy suspiró y se frotó la cara. "De acuerdo. Tendremos que matarte". Gorbwick alzó las manos. «¡Anda ya ! ¡Es excesivo!». “Las reglas son reglas.” "¿No puedes simplemente, no sé, darme una patada en la espinilla y dar por terminado el día?" “No, mira, tenemos una reputación que mantener”. —Oh, por el amor de Dios… Antes de que Gorbwick pudiera terminar, se oyó un fuerte estruendo. Una caja de madera se abrió de golpe, derramando su contenido por todas partes. Un contenido brillante, reluciente y rebotando . Polvo de hadas. Montones de él. Una idea terriblemente brillante Todos los duendes se quedaron congelados. El polvo de hadas era un producto engañoso. En pequeñas dosis, podía hacerte andar ligero. En dosis moderadas, podía hacerte flotar. ¿Pero en dosis altas ? Podía convertir una pelea en un bar en un desastre flotante y gritono. Gorbwick sonrió. —No —dijo Squintsy de inmediato—. No. Ni lo pienses. Demasiado tarde. Gorbwick se abalanzó, agarró dos puñados de polvo de hadas robado y se lanzó hacia atrás, arrojando el polvo brillante al aire como un artista de carnaval trastornado. Caos. Un duende se lanzó directo a la copa de los árboles, gritando a todo pulmón. Otro giró en el aire, agitándose como si intentara nadar en miel. Squintsy, que claramente ya había pasado por esto antes, simplemente suspiró y se dejó flotar a medio metro del suelo. ¿Gorbwick? ¡Gorbwick se disparó como un fuego artificial! “¡¡ ¡WOOHOOOOO!!! ” El mundo se convirtió en una mancha borrosa de copas de árboles y luz de luna mientras él volaba en espiral sin control por el cielo. Sus alas, por patéticas que fueran, revoloteaban inútilmente ante la fuerza de la propulsión de los duendes. En algún lugar abajo, la voz de Squintsy resonó en el bosque: " Odio a las hadas". A Gorbwick no le importó. ¡Volaba! ¡Era libre! Era... Oh. Oh, no. Estaba perdiendo altitud. “Oh, mier—” La gravedad se apoderó de él como un casero enfadado, y Gorbwick se desplomó contra el suelo. Se estrelló contra un árbol, se estrelló contra una rama, rodó por un arbusto y finalmente aterrizó... —justo de nuevo en la puerta de la taberna. Lissandra la Dríade lo miró. "Bueno, ¿cómo estuvo la 'aventura'?" Gorbwick gimió. «Necesito otra cerveza». "Te lo dije." Y con eso, el gran regreso de Gorbwick el Hada Gruñona terminó exactamente donde comenzó: en su trasero, en la tierra, con una desesperada necesidad de alcohol. Llévate a casa un trocito de la gruñona gloria de Gorbwick ¿Te encanta la energía gruñona y caótica de Gorbwick? Dale un toque de sus aventuras a tu espacio con "Magia Vieja y Cerveza Rancia" , disponibles en tapices de alta calidad, impresiones en lienzo , bolsas de tela e incluso cojines decorativos para un descanso mágico. Perfectas para los amantes de la fantasía, el humor y un toque de magia de duendes gruñones, estas piezas únicas son imprescindibles para cualquier aventurero, ya sea que estés tropezando en un bosque o simplemente tratando de sobrevivir a otro lunes. ¡Compre ahora y deje que la actitud legendaria de Gorbwick se instale en su hogar!